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Hello and thank you for glancing at my profile, however, i will be up front and honest: i am not looking for anyone. i am simply here to post a diary for One with whom i love very much and have recently lost. i lost Her because of something i did, and i am hoping She will see this journal once again and at least say hi. If not see how much i love Her, miss Her, and need Her. If you read this MistressCo, please no i am sorry for ever hurting You or letting You down in any way, shape, or form. i love You with all of my being.
i am more than willing to converse with like minded people, but i shall also state visiting here is not a priority and most likely will not occur more than once a week. It will be more if i have something i really want to share.
Have you ever wondered why you keep dating different faces but the same person continually shows up? If so, you are not alone. When this phenomenon occurs it can mean only one thing: its you. This has been occuring over and over and it finally really hit me, sh*t its me! Now, if i really want a loving, nurturing, growing, mutually supportive relationship i have to change my ways, face my issues. Otherwise i will be in the same situation a month from now, a year.... You get the point.
The One i am keeping the diary for is the One who i love with no end. She is the most amazing Person i have ever loved. i miss Her dearly and love Her with all my heart. Is She perfect? Yes. To me She is perfection personified.
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It is amazing what we learn about ourselves if we listen. Even as we grow older we can learn things about ourselves, or experience things we never have before, if we are open to learning them or experiencing them.
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i have long known how lucky i am to have You, to be able to say You are my Mistress, my Love. After seeing a few profiles on here it has only reinforced how lucky i am. Some people on here seem very nice and to them i say best of luck. CM may seem to be a magnet for fakes and posers, but it can work. Two real people can connect. i know because this is the site my Mistress and i connected from. Others on this site frighten me lol and well there is an old adage 'we reap what we sow'. Perhaps that is why i am so miserable now, because i have sown misery before.
you know what they say about Karma...
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oh what i would give just to hear Her say 'hello, pet' one more time. i miss You Mistress!
i hope the emails and messages have been coming through to You. i have no idea what to do other than to continue to keep trying and hoping You will change Your mind.
i miss You!
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Where oh where are You tonight?
How could You leave me here all alone?
Ok i am not going to finish the rest of the stupid song i saw on Hee-Haw years ago LOL. Because i know the ending to the song is not what transpired between us. i just wonder how You are doing and am missing You.
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How can i convince my Mistress She does in fact deserve me and in fact i am the one who does not deserve Her? Please?!? All i want is my Mistress back and for Her to know i believe She deserves me and i am a fortunate sub for having Her as my Mistress.
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Well, i just want to say hi once again. Hi!
Hopefully You are reading this and remember someone loves You for who You are!
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just wanted to say hi! Hi! i am thinking of You and hoping all is well with You!!
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Merry belated Christmas to all! i just want to say thank You Mistress!
For some people in the world, my self included, it can be hard to accept or believe that something simple actually works and is enough. Well, time has taught me this lesson. Simplicity can in fact be the essence of what makes a Lady happy!!! Thank You for helping me finally realize this precious nugget!
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Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night!
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please dont do that! Please????
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Hi,
i just wanted to leave a brief message, probably briefer than the one i left on Your voicemail. i thought maybe You may be interested in how my sauce came out. It came out pretty good, i am happy with it and when i brought some over to dad's him and A raved about how good it smelled. i will find out next week how they thought it tasted...if they live. To me the sauce was good, but i do not believe for one minute it would warrant Your seal of approval. But at least i tried, right? Do i get credit for trying? LOL and no i didnt burn anything...too badly.
i miss You, cooking made me miss You even more. Maybe because its something i am not suppose to do? Whatever the reason it matters not. What matters is that i miss You and i love You. i have not given up!
Yours
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Well, here it is Saturday morning. A humid morning with light rain falling and heavier stuff coming later. Then it is suppose to clear up and get pretty cold. Yes, it is that time of the year! my season starts on Wednesday. S got me private land permission and him and M (mainly M) built me a stand in an area S scouted last year and believes to look very promising. i saw a buck yesterday at work, the first one i have seen there, and he was chasing after a doe. So it seems the rut has started.
Ok, now on to more important things. The other day i stated in an entry that i had hoped to hear from You. Well, yes indeed i had hoped i would hear from You. Crap thunderstorm started so i will have to continue this later.
Ok, i am back and today seems to be a good day (excepting the rain and thunderstorms lol) because my computer is not running r e a l l y slow. It seems to be at a normal speed. Turns out it does updates and scans on Friday nights which is what slowed it down last night.
So where was i? i was sayin i had hoped to hear from You. i know it was silly of me to think You would come back after a brief message. You may be doubting my sincerity or thinking i am ready to move on.
Let me address the first. If i were not sincere i would not keep trying to keep in touch. i would not be trying to find someone, anyone, who may know You or know of You and who may be able to help us reunite. Which is what happened this time (lightning striking twice?). Which is one thing i have had reinforced is how well known and respected You are within Your community. i am most certainly a fortunate sub indeed! i really am proud to know how my Mistress is respected by those with whom She interacts!
Now. as for me being ready to move on. In the past when we have been apart i have contemplated moving on and taken steps to do so. Each time i tried i would try and could not bring myself to do anything because there was only one Mistress i wanted, one Woman. She is You. This time i havent tried to search, but have finally realized everything You tried so hard for so long to encourage me to believe. Thus, i am not ready to move on. Nor will i be able to be.
If i were ready to move on would i try to find someway to get a message to You which You may read? or would i call or try to text?
Ok, i know Your argument at this moment is: if you are trying to contact Me why havent You called since the package was delivered? Simply put, i am scared of what i may hear! Sound familiar? i am certain it sounds somewhat familiar to You. Do i grow weary of always trying to prove how much i miss You and how much i WANT and NEED You in my life? Being the one who has to always prove his love is tiring and it does suck at times because i never even know if You are hearing/reading what i say. So yes it does frustrate me at times.
BUT, i know the responsibility lies with me. i am the source of the issue and thus it is upon me, and only me, to keep trying to show You how much i love You, need You, and want You in my life.
Your friend S once told me 'why dont you act submissive once in a while if you call yourself submissive'. Well, i dont think by calling, emailing, or texting to converse with You is being "submissive". i see it as reaching out to the woman i love and trying to convince Her that what She believes to be true, e.g. me moving on, or me not wanting to work things out, is in fact false. It is not submissive of me in my mind because that what ANY man in love with a woman would do. Or at least should.
However, even with saying that it is not easy for me to screw up the courage to make the call. i am afraid You will tell me to bugger off (to put it politely).
i miss You. i cant put it any plainer or mor eloquently than that. i miss You, need You, and love You.
At times our relationship has seemed difficult (times like this for instance) and where we both see the sides of each other which neither of us are proud of. Yet we still love each other and accept each other for what some may perceive as awful faults. To me they are my faults and i do keep trying to improve on them. Slowly i have overcome a few. Sometimes it seems i rectify one only to have a new one arise to fill its place. Is that normal? i dont know.
Perhaps You are thinking i am ready to move on because i am not overly explicit about some things in this journal. Well, i have my reason for that and i do believe some things are meant to be private. Some things i really feel are best not unsaid, but unsaid in a forum as public as this. Is that bad? i guess it is if it makes You think i am uninterested, or ready to walk away.
So should i just go balls to the walls and say to hell with it and pour out everything regardless of the cost to myself? Again, i dont know.
As i stated in my entry last night i am making spaghetti sauce today. Are Your cursing in Italian and sputtering about my cooking? The thought of it brings a smile to my face LOL. Yes, i know the limits of my culinary skills but i am so-so with sauce. i hope it is one You would be pleased with. Note, i did not say proud of lol. It isnt great sauce but it is good. The sauce is now simmering on low heat. When i cook i think of You,.
When i go to sleep i think of You, when i awake i think of You, when i am driving i think of You. Damn i miss You!
i love You with all of my heart!!
Please Mistress, come back.
love always,
Yours
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Hello there Mistress,
Well, i was planning on writing a journal entry tonight but am going to do it tomorrow. Ever since i installed some new virus protection software my pc can be moody. Some nights it is slow and makes for an extreme pain to type a message of any length. Tonight seems to be one of those nights!
i miss You, i miss You so much!!
Oh i am also going to be making spaghetti sacue tomorrow! Wish me luck! LOL
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Hello there Mistress C,
i am writing in the hopes You will read this. At this time i am going to keep it brief because my emotions are so up and down at this time. After the package was delivered to You by our mutual friend i was hoping i would hear from You. my hopes were really high and i thought You would see how much i love You, miss You and need You. Alas, my hopes were too high. Yes it has only been a few days so i am not giving up hope, just beginning to bring them back to reality. There is much more i will write, most likely on Friday, but for now this is all i can write because i need to somehow organize my thoughts.
i hope You are doing well. i miss You and love You!
Yours
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I have not posted in a couple weeks because i have been thinking a lot lately about my past behavior, actions taken and not taken, and the WHY. The WHY really can lead to some sad realizations about ourselves that can be helpful if we want it to. i do hope my Mistress reads this and know that She may question if i still love Her and want to be with Her or not. Which She may believe the answer to be negative because i have not written in some time. Please rest easy my Love, i still do. Very, very much so. i will write more shortly, once i can organize my thoughts so they dont ramble so much that they make zero sense even to You and i.
i would like to take a moment to thank one kind Domme from CM for going out of her way to assist and renew my hope. Thank you to Givemeyourorgasm for her help and support!
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Hello Mistress,
Well i do not know how to start this other than to state the obvious. i miss You. i miss all of You, every little aspect of You which makes You You.
Why then has it taken me so long to write again? Yes, it has been almost 3 weeks since i last wrote. Last week i was sick all week and had very little, if any energy when i got home from work. Such is life i guess.
Part of the reason is after my last post, and attempted phone call, i thought it would be best to not write and just try to forget You. Let me simply say it would be easier to stop a charging elephant matron protecting her charges than for me to forget You.
Last week when i would be leaving for work i would see the full moon and think of You even more (yeah, i am still getting up for work at an unGodly hour). Damn i miss You. i sent You a text message the Saturday before last saying i miss You.
You see, i was over at S and K's and we were suppose to be watching a football game. Everyone was in the cellar watching the game and i just could not be in there with them. So i went into the garage and put something else on the TV. It did not matter what i put on because i just kept thinking about You and a) how i fucked up, and b) how much i miss You and being Yours.
The lousy part? You dont even read this journal anymore. Which really tells me how badly i have messed up and how GONE You are, how DONE You are with me and us. It sucks.
Why did i behave the way i did? It is a question i often ponder and keep thinking of many reasons. i think i just was not ready to believe someone as wonderful and intriguing would really be interested in me. Let alone love me for who i am.
i also have noticed i have lost my ability to find the humor in little things, or really appreciate the little things. Things happen and i just keep on trudging along in my misery. Without You i am without joy, love, happiness, and meaning. Without You i am completely empty.
i am just a soul plodding through life. Being with You, being Yours gave my life meaning and joy.
So then why, if being Yours gave me joy, did i keep You a secret from my family and friends? Fear. Fear that once i told them about You that You would disappear into the mist.
What kind of fool am i? The largest sort and You still loved me for who i am. i count myself fortunate that You did love me.
How much i have learned from You and this experience can never be measured. i just wish we could sit together at home and discuss all the goings on and i could tell You how much You mean to me.
i really have never enjoyed when we have been apart in the past. This time? It is the absolute worst. Why? Previously i always had some hope You would return. This time i know You are gone.
Another thing i can think of as to why You are fully gone this time is something i said in my last email which You did receive. It was after You had gone to camp for the family weekend and had left a message for me to call. i called and never got a call in return.
Prior to Your going to camp Si had told me what Sa had told You and asked if i had heard from You. i told her i had not and she said to give You a while and then if i did not hear from You to actually lay into You. Believing i finally understood You and that i could actually tell You 'Mistress, i know why You are hiding from me. It is ok, i know why and i know You may not talk to me for some time. It is ok. i know when You work things out in Your head You will come back to me and say You are sorry'.
Well, i was completely wrong for believing that and even more wrong for even saying what i said to You. Yes, i do belive You love me and that if You did take some time to straighten out things in Your head that You would still be loving me, not that You had abandoned me like i had thought before.
What changed my way of thinking so that i really, fully believed that if You were quiet for a time that You would come back? Because You had always said when You came back before that i should have known better. That is one reason.
The other reason is because of the Fourth of July. When You got up at an unGodly hour on Your day off so that we could spend some quality time together, that day really drove things home to me. It told me how much You really loved me and that this time around things really were going to be different and better than they had been.
The fourth was the icing on the cake. There had been other actions by You which had told me things i had never been able to grasp before. What were they? How You opened up to me and the emails You had sent me. Damn they really told me how special i was to You!!!!
Which yes did make me feel confident that i could say what i said. i guess i was better off in some ways when i wasnt so confident about where i stood. At least then i would never have dared to write what i had written for fear of chasing You away. Look what happened?
i pushed You away.
For that i will be eternally devastated. i should have known better.
i am sorry. i am so, so sorry Mistress C, Honey, Gorgeous, my Love. You are my everything and i screwed up in the worst possible way.
i am sorry.
Loving You has been like a dream come true. You ARE a dream come true. NO, You are better than any dream woman i had ever envisioned.
And i failed You.
i have always failed You.
i love You with all of my heart and miss You more with each passing day.
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Hello and good afternoon Mistress,
i know You are probably tired of hearing this from me, but i miss You. i called this week hoping to have my birthday wish come true. What was it? i had hoped we would be able to talk. Since You did not answer or return the call i know i wont be getting my birthday wish and it makes me sad. Actually, the entire separation from You makes me very sad, depressed, and feeling alone.
All that has transpired over the last two months since i got Your last text message "please call Me as soon as you get this" only for me to never receive a return call has made me think the last week or so about irony. So yes i did look up the word to make sure i had the right term lol. Webster's defines irony as "inconguity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the expected result."
So what does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Good question. The first two times You dropped out of contact with me i figured You had left me and after a while i began searching for a new Mistress. Yes, even after Your assurances that even though when You left You would leave dispassionately but would at least tell me You were leaving me. Since i had not heard from You either way i would start looking.
Whenever You returned i would honestly tell You i had tried but also could not replace You. You are irreplaceable to me, You are everything i have ever sought in my Mistress, Lover, and best Friend.
This time around, even after 2 months of not hearing a word and Your email address being deleted? i can not bring myself to do it.
It always hurt You when i would say i had tried to replace You. That i should have known better and had faith in You. This time around i have finally learned the lessons You have tried so desperately to teach me about YOU as a person. Not just the perfect vision of You i carry, but YOU as a person. Not the Mistress, not the Lover, not the Friend. But YOU.
i sit at home at night thinking of You, missing You, and thinking maybe this will be the time You call me. Whereas before i would simply wonder how You are and hope You are happy without me and wondering was everything She told me simply BS?. Now i sit here thinking only all the positive things You for so long have hoped i would think about You.
Do i think our relationship was all just a game to You? Not in the least. i would be lying, and You know it, if i said that early on i had questioned it. From the times we have been together and the times we have been apart i have learned more and more about You as a person. The more i learn about You the more i love YOU. You the person, the entirety of Your being. Not just one facet, but all facets which comprise You.
Sadly, i know the same can not be said in kind about me. i believe the more i am thought about by You and those around You the less of a good person i become in their eyes and Yours. Do i have a leg to stand on to say otherwise? Not at all. i agree with You and them wholeheartedly.
You have always deserved so much more than what i have given You at times. So it is ironic that now that You have chosen to end our relationship that i finally learn the lessons You have tried so hard to teach.
i always pick up easy things quickly, such as how to build a house or ride a bike, or how to satisfy You sexually. The difficult things such as how to interact as a fully present, loving adult in a relationship i learn the hard way. Through experience, loss, and inflicting pain on the one i love. A pretty shitty way to learn a lesson.
No wonder You and Your friends may think poorly of me. i deserve it.
The last few days a song has been filling my mind. The song is "Hole Hearted" by Extreme, the lyrics:
Life's ambition occupies my time
Priorities confuse the mind
Happiness one step behind
This inner peace I've yet to find
Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I'm not blind why can't I see
That a circle can't fit
Where a square should be
There's a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can't be filled with the things I do
Hole hearted
Hole hearted
This heart of stone is where I hide
These feet of clay kept warm inside
Day by day less satisfied
Not fade away before I die
Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I'm not blind why can't I see
That a circle can't fit
Where a square should be
There's a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can't be filled with the things I do
There's a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
Should have known from the start
I'd fall short with the things I do
Hole hearted
Hole hearted
Hole hearted
Hole hearted
The last stanza (that is what it is called right?) i believe sums up my feelings. There is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by You and yet i really should have known i would fall short with what i do.
To be honest i dont know if i ever fully believed in myself enough when it came to You. That i was good enough as a man, a good enough submissive, a good enough lover, a good enough all around person to even be with You. You are perfection and i have always been in awe of You and hoped i was the man You needed and wanted in Your life. i turned out to be lacking in many ways. i am sorry for failing You. Can i be the man You need and want? Yes.
Sadly the lessons have been learned to late.
i miss You and love You with all of my heart.
love always,
Yours
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Good evening Mistress,
Well, it is Wednesday night and i said i would write. So i am going to write right now. i miss You. Ok, so that may not be a news flash but i do in fact miss You. i miss You dearly.
So a couple entries ago i posted that B had joined scouts. He is soooo excited about it because as he said 'i finally get to do something Uncle did when he was a kid!'. So now i get to spend extra time with him every week at his meetings. He really does enjoy it and i enjoy seeing how he interacts with other kids. Once we get there he is not clingy to me, he goes and plays with his friends and almost forgets all about me until the meeting is over. He also likes it because we get to spend time together before the meeting.
He is really enjoying school. His biggest thrill on the first day was being able to eat in the cafeteria lol.
So Saturday night i spent at J and T's house. We watched the baseball game and discussed politics and relationships. When we were discussing relationships we were talking about our friend who got married after 6 weeks. How can someone know the other person in that amount of time, etc was discussed. It takes time and in our minds some hardships experienced. For example they had dated for a couple years and then broke up. She wasnt ready to live in the country yet and so moved to Miami. Ok, so it wasnt just about moving to the country neither were sure if they were ready for the level of commitment of living together, or if they wanted to. Needless to say they remained in contact and visited on occasion. About a year and a half later she moved back up and shortly thereafter they were engaged.
The point is they took time to know each other and encountered challenges. The challenges made them stronger and their relationship is excellent, in my opinion.
After the game was over and we were done talking i laid down on the floor to go to sleep (i had one of their sleeping bags and i prefer the floor to the couch. i am weird i know). All i kept thinking about was You.
You know how You say when i drink i become more amorous? Well, You are right and always were. i do become more amorous. On Saturday night i cried myself to sleep over how much i miss You, love You, and need You in my life and how You will not talk to me anymore. i wish You would talk to me.
i miss You and love You. Sadly, i do not know the words to express how much i miss You and how much You mean to me.
i hope You are doing well and i hope You may find it in Your heart to talk to me.
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Hello Mistress,
i am pressed for time tonight and tomorrow night. But, i wanted to leave a message so You did not get the impression that i have given up. Guess what? i have something to fill some of my time! Yes!!! Now i finally have something to fill some of my spare time. Part of me is happy and part of me is sad. i am sad because i so want to share these experiences with You!! i will write more on Wednesday night when i have more time. Until then i hope You are doing well, i miss You, and love You very much!!
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Hello Mistress,
i was thinking of You last night even more than i usually do. You can probably guess the reason. Your Bears were playing the Colts. In my fantasy team i ended up with the Colts D, which i thought was going to be a good thing. i never thought the Bears D would be this good this year after how last year went for them. So i was slightly torn for a few minutes. Do i root for Your Bears or the Colts? That thought lasted only a few short minutes. You won out. i was hoping the Bears would beat the Colts and it was worth losing my game. After all it is just a silly game.
When i went to bed it was about halftime and Your boys were leading and i was pretty happy. However, i did realize it was the Colts they were playing so i was anxious to find out this morning how they fared. WOW. They not only beat them, they really pulled the upset of the week in my mind. Who would have expected Da Bears to beat the Colts? Not me. Ok, You probably did. i must say Your QB looks much improved over previous years. i had recently read how he had really applied himself this past offseason and was maturing. Based on last nights performance, what i saw, it has paid off. i was going to pick him up for my team today but someone beat me to it. i guess this is what i get for being an idiot.
Another thought i was thinking today was i owe You another apology. i apologize for not being ready for the type of love You offered me. i never in my wildest dreams ever expected to meet someone like You. When You found me i was lost, alone, and had given up faith, hope, and belief in my ability to love and be loved. Slowly, too slowly, i regained what was lost. i miss You so much and love You more than You will ever know. Please come back. PLEASE Mistress???
You know how You said You had always hoped for a boy who would cry for You? Are You ready, really ready for that because i will cry a river for You if You take me back. Please take me back. Please???
i love You and always will,
Yours
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Hello Mistress C,
How are You doing? i hope You are doing well and are happy. Throughout everything i have only wanted You to be happy. i hope You received my message about me posting again on this site for You. i really hope You heard the message and stop by on occasion.
When i write these messages it is bittersweet. It it not an easy task because i would rather be doing them for You in a more intimate fashion. However, having to write messages here is my own doing and of my own free will.
So what am i going to write about this week? God above only knows! This entry will probably take a few edits and maybe a day to type out because my eyes are burning from scope work. But at least this is the last time i have to do it every day for another month! YAY!
What i have been thinking about this week (other than missing You like mad) is us. i was thinking how far we have come over the last couple of years.
Remember when we first met how insecure i was and found it so hard to trust others? Over time You showed me that i can in fact trust someone, You. i use to think the world (which to me was our relationship) was coming to an end over any thing which i perceived as a negative. Whether it be a word or phrase meant in jest, a message which did not get returned (come to find out Yahoo does not deliver all emails), or i did not seem 'important' to You. Over time we both have grown in how we relate to each other. How we open up and slowly learned we can open up to another on an emotional level. Well, that is only partially true.
Partially true because we both pull back a little when things dont seem just 'right'. Instead of asking and clearing the air we always assume we are not what the other wants/needs, or something is up. To our credit we have gotten better. In Your case You have gotten a lot better from where we started.
This leads me to on of my points. The one aspect of our relationship we never had any issue with was the Mistress/sub relationship. It was always so easy for me to submit to You and You to control me. i found such pleasure in submitting to You. Why? Because i KNEW without a doubt that i was safe and we were connected. When we were Mistress and sub it was the one thing where we both knew we were filling each others needs and everything else was irrelevant. Nothing mattered but You to me and i always knew i made You happy when i submitted to You.
It felt natural, right, and safe. i trusted You and so desired, nay, craved to satisfy You. And You always were pleased with me. i knew when You gave me a task exactly what You wanted and MORE. i always met Your expectations and usually even exceeded them and that made You thrilled with me. Which in turn made me feel thrilled, satisfied, and know that i had finally found the Mistress who appreciates me and what i offer.
It is too bad the other aspects of our relationship did not come so easily to either of us. i blame myself and only myself. If i found it so easy to meet Your needs as Your sub, why wasnt i able to meet Your needs as Your lover?
i really hate myself for not meeting ALL of Your needs and hurting You.
As i told You in the VM i left You i told my friend K about You last weekend. You know i had kept it secret for reasons at the time which made sense to me. What were they? i was afraid if i told them i had fallen in love with someone from IL and i had not met Her they would be ok with it. However, they would think i am nuts for loving You when You always seem to suddenly 'disappear' and then 'reappear' and that You must be playing some game with me. They would be in their right minds to think that except for one thing. They do not know You the way i do. i know You are not, and have never, played any game with me. i know You better than that.
It has taken me what, almost two years to be able to say that with conviction. If there is one plus to everything we have endured together it is that i can say with full conviction that You have never been using me, playing some game with me but that You in fact love me for the person i am. Just as i love You for all the facets that make You who You are, You love me for all of which i am composed of.
Back to my conversation with K. i told him about everything we have been through and how You have pulled back at times and how i have as well. He analyzed my problem very easily. He told me part of my problem is that for so long i have been telling my friends i do not want to be married or tied down. However, they all see through it and know that i do in fact want to be married and i am the only one living in denial of such. Denial and fear of being hurt. So what happened? i hurt myself and what is much worse is i hurt You.
K told me that if i care about You as much as i say i do then i have to do something about it. Call You, talk to You and get over my fears. He said if i do care i will try and tell You everything and that if i dont care then i will not even bother.
Mistress Co, this has been one strange journey at times. For me i have learned a lot about myself, things which i did not know about myself and yet my friends did. i guess that is one of the reasons we have friends, for guidance and to help us see things we are blind to or do not want to ackowledge.
i know i can be a very quick adept learner in many things and very slow to learn other lessons. But i am learning more and more about myself weekly.
i really miss sharing my life with You and You sharing Your life with me. When we are together i feel ALIVE and part of something beyond compare, something WONDERFUL and AMAZING.
It is wonderful and amazing because of You Honey. You, Mistress Co, have always made my life better simply by being who You ARE.
Who You are is an amazing, loving, caring, wonderful woman who loves completely. i have failed You. All You ask for is the same in return. Instead i gave You someone flawed and scared of being completely himself, even to You.
i miss You and i love You with all of my heart.
So what is new? B joined the Cub Scouts! he is so excited because he is finally able to do something his uncle did. He is growing so fast now and learning a lot. Remember one time You said he is developing into a good person because of things he learns from me? That is true and probably more than i realized then. But can You guess what his new saying is? "you do not know until you try". It is something i have told him over and over again when he would say he cant do something, or does not like something he has never tried or eaten before. Now, he tries and when he succeeds, or does not like the food, he says 'you dont know if you dont try!" It makes me very happy when he says that instead of how he use to say he couldnt. Which was something i knew he picked up from his mother, who never tries.
So his saying that got me to thinking. He is right and i can learn a lesson from him! The lesson being i cant say i am no good at a relationship until i try. Well, we do keep trying and i will never give up on trying to make our relationship work and trying to be a better man for You.
From the very start You have been the woman i want to share my life with. You are EVERYTHING i have wanted in my Lover, Mistress, and best Friend. There is not much i would not change to be a better man for You, but anything about me which makes me a better person and the man You deserve i am more than willing to change. Because You deserve it and i know it will make me a better man all around.
Thank You for the lessons You have taught me either directly or indirectly. It never ceases to amaze me how i find more and more reasons to love You!
i love You and i miss You. i also hope You and Your family are doing well.
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Hello Mistress C,
How have You been? Well considering what has
happened between us over the span of time, most especially the last
year and the last few months in particular i would wager You are not
doing so hot. If You are feeling anything like me You are feeling
downright awful. Perhaps for different reasons though. You may be
wondering what you were doing ever giving me chance after chance only
to have me screw up again and again. You know what? i do not blame You
in the least for questioning why.
i
have been thinking over
the last few days of what
i have done. What i
have done to You, to
myself, my family, and my
friends. i have also
thought of how to write this
letter. Let me start by
saying that writing
this letter is not easy in
the least. i will be
telling You things i have
either never told You,
or things which are
difficult for me to admit even to myself.
In
this letter i plan on doing something which is a very long time in
coming. Opening up to You as i once did. i don't know if You know how
much i always enjoyed opening up my heart and mind to You. Each time
You took me back i thought i was opening up to You again like i once
did. But You know what? i wasn't. Plain and simple, i was holding
things back.
i have a feeling this letter is going to ramble,
even though i do not really want to. i want to try and lay things out
in an orderly fashion so they make sense. We both know my track record
of making sense and not rambling. It never happens. Yes, i could type
it out and then edit it, etc, but to me that would defeat the purpose.
i have never edited any letters i have sent You and will not start now.
To me it is just more natural and perhaps more heartfelt when i write
to You the way i once did. How did i once write to You? Like a lover.
Like one who was completely enamored of You. Someone who cared deeply
about You above all others. It breaks my heart to even write this
letter and have to acknowledge my failings. It hurts because if i
failed on my own and affected no one else that would be fine, which is
how most of my failures are experienced. No, this is much worse. It
breaks my heart to acknowledge my failings because i hurt You. You. You
THE most loving, caring, compassionate woman and Mistress i have ever
had the honor and privilege of loving.
To
know how badly i have hurt You pains me because i know how deeply You
love me. Over about the last year i have not shown You how much i love
You. Yes, i have told You i love You and that was the truth. i love You
Co. i do now and i always will.
So what went wrong? Why now am
i realizing this? Good questions. i have been thinking about this for a
while, but very intensely since my email was returned as undeliverable.
Receiving the email back was a giant slap in the face to me. Not in a
bad way either. Oh it hurt, it hurts a lot but it did the one thing
everything else You have done failed to do. It really made me think
deep. i must admit that part of the thinking had started some time ago,
exactly when i can not figure out but i would guess at least early this
spring if not sooner.
For
some time i have been feeling out of sorts, not myself. Let me clarify
this a little if i can. i have not been feeling myself as in someone
who is happy, compassionate, outgoing, driven, loving, caring,
understanding, patient, and intelligent. At some point i started
noticing things in my life and behavior which were not ME. Do You know
what i mean? Anyway, i started looking at my behavior and wondering
what the hell is going on, why am i doing these things, why am i being
an ass, why am i shutting myself off from my friends, family, and my
Mistress/Girlfriend/Love? Why? Why am i having really screwed up dreams
and not sleeping very well. Why am i being so negative about everything
and looking for the bad or expecting things to go to Hell?
You
may, or may not, remember (that is if Yahoo! even delivered them) some
of the emails i sent after Your released me at the start of the summer.
In them i wrote telling You of how lately i had been questioning a lot
of things about myself. i was questioning things such as my patience,
my intelligence, if i am a good person. Also, i said i did not believe
any of it any more. i did not believe i was a good person, intelligent,
or loving. Do You remember this?
Well i do. Why do i remember this? Because this week it all came back to me in one bitch slap from a returned email.
Ok,
so there were some other factors as well which made me remember those
thoughts. You see, just before we went to Stinkyville we were at J's
house making our plans for the trip. After we made our plans we started
shooting the shit about things. One of the things we got to discussing
was keeping in touch. K told me that i have gotten downright awful
about keeping in touch. Whether returning calls, answering the phone,
or doing things i use to do. i told him i had noticed that and was
going to address that aspect of my life.
What
i had not told him was that in truth it was something i had noticed and
was wondering, why? Why am i not calling my friends, not returning
calls, being bad about keeping in touch?
Then about the same
time S and i were talking. i had found something that bugged him, which
is unusual because nothing usually does, which is calling him by his
full name. His sister does it and it annoys him. So i was calling him
by his name (it is something he would do to me as well, all in good
fun) and said 'i finally have something which bugs you. it has never
happened in the years we have known each other.' His response was ' i
did not know our friendship was that way of keeping score.' To which i
was actually quite and moved on to the next topic.
What
i did not say is that it got me thinking. When did this start
happening? Why was i suddenly acting like it was important and keeping
score? What is going on with me? Why am i behaving so much like people
i don't like?
i had also been noticing i was not the same with
the kids. Which as i started to realize the fact really scared me. i
was noticing i was being a little less patient, less willing to play,
less fun and more like all the other grown ups. Luckily for me the kids
still thought i was fun to be with. But it bothered me why was i acting
like that around them. You know how i think about the kids and how much
i love them. So You also know why i was bothering me so much.
Why
did i not say anything to You sooner? If You asked me last week i would
probably have listed a litany of excuses. Which is exactly what they
would have been: lame ass excuses. Which is like anything else i have
fed You over the last year or so. Excuses for why i shut down. Sadly
the excuse was usually because i felt You were pulling away, or had not
answered my emails. They were simply excuses for my behavior.
Instead
of doing the grown up thing and facing my problems, my fears, and
admitting i was the root cause of all of my problems. Hell not just my
problems. But all of OUR problems. You never shut down on me, though i
thought You had. You have told me numerous times You could tell i was
shutting down on You, pulling away. i would counter with excuse after
excuse. You know what? You were right and i was completely and wildly
wrong. Not that it matters to You how often You are right or i am
right. And at one time it did not matter to me. i lost that part of me
and it suddenly became all fire important to be right. Why? i guess i
would say immaturity, childishness would be a good start.
The conclusion i have come to this
week is along those lines. Somewhat at least. It has not been an easy
journey for me to make this week. i have had to admit a lot to myself
and look at myself for what i am, what i have done and what i have not
done.
So what is this conclusion i have come to? It is a
combination of our conversations very early on (back when i was a great
guy and someone i liked and who You loved) about my family and my going
to the therapist. Remember those conversations? You helped me see my
family for what they are and so did therapy. When i started therapy You
told me it would possibly take a long time to deal with all the issues
i had to deal with and be able to handle certain situations and how to
cope with life with the knowledge i had. i had been going to therapy a
while and really thought i was all set and so stopped going. Then You
told me You missed me and we would work through it. At the time i
really thought i was all set.
What a fool i was. i
really should have kept going to the therapist for longer than i did
because then i would have been prepared to deal with how much the
knowledge shattered my world. Instead of going a year and a half
thinking i was fine and everyone else was fucked up. Thinking i was not
the one with a problem everyone else was and they were the cause of my
misery.
This is part of what i realized this past week when all
the pieces started to come together. So this has not been an overnight
occurrence, but something which has been ongoing for some time. Instead
of including You into what was going on i hid. Short and sweet, i hid
from the one person who truly loves me for me and would do anything to
help and protect me. i hid and blamed YOU for being distant. That takes
a lot of balls, doesn't it? To me that would be worth one of Your
beatings for when i messed up. You know the type i mean. The type where
Your are totally locked in and concentrating on what You are doing and
do not allow emotion in. Those that are reserved for really teaching a
lesson. i say right now that i have more than earned it (and we both
know how much i feared You ever having to do that to me)
At
this point You are probably trying to figure out what i am trying to
say. i have been thinking a few days on how to say it and really am not
sure how to say it. But i am going to try. When i found out how rotten
my family is and how much they, and others, have taken advantage of me
i began to shut down. i shut down from being the nice guy. When i found
out about my family, i thought i would be able to interact with them
and still be myself with everyone else. i obviously wasnt able to. It
is evident to me that my way of dealing with it was to slowly shut down
all my admirable attributes because they had done nothing but get me
taken advantage of by others mainly by those who purported to love me.
Please trust me that if i
had known this sooner i would have said something to You. Something i
realized this week was that You had noticed this and had tried on
several occasions to reach out to me, to tell me what i was doing. But,
i was not receptive to the message because i was either not ready to
hear it or did not want to hear it. my world, or perception of the
world, had been shattered in a matter of months. You did try to show me
what i was doing. Lord above knows You did try, i know this now. i
apologize for not listening, or hearing You.
God Mistress Co,
i really fucking miss who i was and how we were back then.i wish i had
my naivete back. At least then i was able to be open with You!
So
what else have i learned? I learned that part of my problem was all a
matter of perception. Some time ago i had noticed i was developing a
tendency of being negative, to see only bad and no good, expecting the
worst, always expecting the 'other shoe to drop'. Life was so unfair to
me. Where did this come from? Well, i think i know and it comes from
the day the world as i had known it ended. When i found out how naive i
had been. From that time on i slowly began to see the world and
everything that happened to me and others as bad.
You
know how i use to be, or do You remember how i use to be the man who
was happy and laughed a lot, the man You fell in love with? i use to be
the one who looked for the good in ANY situation. No matter how rotten
a situation seemed i would always find the positive because in any
situation there is something good. Looking for the good always made a
bad situation better. No matter what i thought life was good, it could
be hard and we are tested hard and often, but life was good. Which is
why i say it is a matter of perception. If someone thinks life sucks,
no matter what good comes there way they will see life as it sucks and
wonder 'ok that was good but there is always bad, so it will be coming
for me soon and i wont have X for long before something takes it from
me'. Sound familiar to You, like someone we know? It sounds like
someone i know. Someone i was sleeping with for a long time and did not
notice i was sharing a bed with him. Yes, it sounds like me, or more
correctly who i was becoming. i use to see the world as an optimist and
was becoming a pessimist (i really should have realized this when S
called me ' Milt Jr').
So
following my hypothesis that it is a matter of perception, or world
view if You may, i begin to see more clearly how i have become what i
have become and detest. It explains a lot to me such as my behavior
towards You, my family, friends, hell even how i was driving! i don't
think it would be a stretch to say i was developing a sense of *gasp*
entitlement! Co, Honey, i was becoming JUST like my family! i was
becoming my mother and sisters. i am sorry. i am so sorry for having
subjugated You to this behavior. i went from someone who was
optimistic, funny, loving, caring, and generous and was becoming that
which i disliked. To You most of all.
You
who least of all deserves to be treated in this manner. Hell, i was
really not that much different from Your ex, and i loathe that man i
really do. But, it seems he and i have something in common. We both
treated You badly. However, at least i can say i know what i have lost.
i have lost THE most exquisite, fine, loving, gorgeous, gracious,
understanding, amazing Woman God has ever placed on Earth. i know what
i have lost and i also know the hurt i have caused You and Your
friends. For all the wrong i have done i humbly apologize to You.
Well
the title of this email is confessions. Yes, there is more to come.
Perhaps more ugly and perhaps not, depending how You view it i guess.
To me this is just as bad. There is something about me which i have
never told You. Something about me which i am ashamed of and never said
it because i am ashamed of myself for it. i have an addiction. Let's be
honest i have two addictions. One is a good one and that is You. i have
been addicted to You from day one. You have always been the One woman i
have wanted to be with, the One i want to call my Mistress and my Wife.
What
is the other addiction? Nicotine. There i finally said it! Now was that
so hard? Yes it was. i never said it because i did not want You to
think i was not in control of my behavior. But truth be told i never
wanted to admit i am addicted. What form? Chewing tobacco. i quit, or
try to and out of force of habit i wind up buying a can. It bothers me
that i have this urge. It was never as bad as it had become. But it was
getting to a point where i would wonder how a certain activity would
affect my ability to get my fix. This is a very hard thing to admit to
You because i always wanted You to think i was perfect. i am not
perfect. i know this and You know i am not perfect. But i always wanted
You to think of me as someone who had his act together. Well, we both
know that i do not.
Luckily
for me though there is something i can do about it and i am going to. i
am quitting. For good. Nicotine may not be the same type of drug as
heroine, but i can see the effect it has had on my relationships. Not
only is it a nasty disgusting habit, not to mention the potential
health consequences, but i see the effect it has on my personal life
and i do not like it. So i have made a choice to give it up.
Much
like all my other actions it is about me making a choice and
acknowledging i made a choice and not that someone has it out for me.
It is about being an adult and accepting responsibility. i know and
accept my responsibility for the havoc i have wreaked upon us and You.
For far too long i blamed others because i was too afraid to admit i
was not perfect and the one to blame.
Screw that, it gets me no where. All it has done is
ruin the GREATEST relationship i have ever had and hurt the most
wonderful woman on earth. When i was mature, responsible, and present i
was proud of myself and happy with myself. It was when i stopped being
who i really am, my true nature, that i became a miserable ass who felt
entitled. There is no entitlement. We make our own fortunes and reap
what we sow.
You do not and never have owed me a damn thing, It
is me who owes You. i owe You a few assignments which i did but not to
my full abilities, i owe You undying, unrestrained love. You have shown
me what true love is and that is what i owe You. When we began our
relationship as Mistress/sub, Girlfriend/boyfriend, i began showing You
the best i have to offer. i know i have it in me and i am POSITIVE i
can give You what You deserve.
i have always wanted You to be
happy and You have always wanted me to be happy. Remember when You
released me You said it was so i could find someone who could give me
what i need and make me happier than You can? That was an
impossibility. Why? No one could have made me happier than You and no
one could give me what i need more than You. That is when i was happy
with myself. Since i was not happy with myself there was no one who
could truly make me happy in all ways because i was so unhappy with
myself. i took it out on You that i was unhappy and thusly made You
unhappy. Which is one thing i have never, ever wanted to do is make You
unhappy or make You feel let down or worthless. You deserve the best,
all the best in life and the best from Your lover.
Another
confession is now in order. You know how i would beg not to cum? You
use to say that i was the one person who could be punished by making me
cum. It is true it had become close to punishment to cum for me. Why? i
do not believe i ever told You why. One reason is i do love edging for
You there is no denying that. We both know that it is true i love
edging for You. It makes me very aroused and i love how sensitive it
makes me and more in-tune i am. But at one time i was able to edge for
weeks on end and no fear of when You would allow me to cum. During that
time cumming was as pleasurable as edging was.
So
what happened? Well, i began to fear cumming because at some point i
began to fear that if i came i would lose my focus or You would lose
Your interest in me. So i really developed an aversion to my own
orgasm. i always told You when i would cum accidentally when You had
given me an assignment and You would say it was ok and You were glad i
told You. Me? i was chagrined. i had let You down and myself. i once
had a lot of pride in that i was able to edge so well for You without
cumming. Somewhere along the line i developed a Pavlovian response
where if i came i would lose my focus on You, i would fail You and lose
You, or You would leave me because i came.
i know that is
foolish and complete rubbish. You would never, and never did, leave me
because i came. But i did. What i feared would happen i made into a
reality. i would withdraw. It was almost as if cumming had become
something shameful instead of something wonderful and pleasing.
Wonderful and pleasing because it was something You had created and
commanded and i have always been a failure at describing how awesome it
made me feel when You were in control. i apologize to You for never
stating more clearly my fear, almost abject horror, about cumming. Once
again though it was i who made reality out of my fantasy and withdrew
from You instead of stating my fear. Instead of saying 'Mistress Co i
fear cumming because i fear i will lose my focus on You or lose You
altogether' i simply figured You would know. But even when You said i
am the only person who could be punished by cumming i loved hearing
that from You. Because it was something which made me special and
unique. Something only we could share in and You did find pleasure in.
A
while back You told me i was a creature of habit and that was why i
could not let go of You. i denied it then but You are right. i am a
creature of habit. This is something i had realized and meant to tell
You when we had gotten back together, but is one of the things which
slipped my mind when i did write or when we spoke. It would slip my
mind because it did not seem that important to discuss with You and
because when we would talk at night everything else i was thinking
about became unimportant but You and i and whatever we discussed at the
time.
You told me i was a creature of habit because You
thought You were a burden to me. i know why You thought this, well i
know now. It was because i had told You i come home every night and sit
and wait and did not always hear from You and how some nights i would
blow off my friends to spend time with You. So You felt that You were a
burden and the only reason i would show up to talk, or answer was
because of habit.
Honestly
Co it was not because i am a creature of habit or i felt i 'had' to be
there for You. It was because i WANTED to talk with You, spend time
with You, hear about Your day, make You laugh. Our time together made
me happy, it was something i looked forward to. Even when i thought the
world sucked, i knew that if we got to talk my day would be better. Not
even if we got to talk, but just knowing we may be able to talk because
You were in my life my day was better. That part of me which was still
ME and i was hiding from always knew my life was better because You
were in it.
It may sound funny me saying that You make my life
better after saying life is what we make of it. To me if life is good
it can be even better. You always make my life better because of Your
love and the wonderful person You are. Even a good life can be made
better and You make good FANTASTIC!
Yes,
i am a creature of habit and i did not want to admit it. But once i
started thinking about it i saw how Your observation was accurate. From
my routine and my chewing tobacco and at times i hate to have my
'routing' messed up. To me being called a creature of habit seemed
negative, which considering how i was viewing everything would make
sense. However, the inverse holds true. Being a creature of habit can
be a positive if the habits are a good thing and managed properly and
the creature allows for flexibility.
What do i mean how can it
be a good thing? Well if i set up my habits as good things which make
me happy and do not make me upset and discouraged with myself. An
example is exercising.
i am going to digress once again if i
may because i just remembered another point. What i remembered is
something which has bothered me and i did nothing about it. That is my
weight gain. Yes, You have no problem with it and people i have
mentioned my weight to say i actually look a lot better this way. They
say i do not look like i am sick or that a strong wind will blow me
away. That is all fine and good but i do not like my body the way it
is. It would be fine if it was more defined like it once was. Remember
how i would say i was going to start exercising and bitch about my
body? Then i would come up with some excuse or other to NOT exercise.
It kept bothering me that i was getting a little fatter and not
answering. So naturally instead of doing something about it i would get
pissy and lash out at You.
You
have a FABULOUS body and one i am in awe of because of how wonderful
Your body looks. i know You go to the gym and work out to keep the
shape You have. You do it for many reasons and one of them is Your
health. However, Your body did not come about because You bitched to me
about Your physique and how badly You wanted to have a nice body. You
have the body You have because You eat right and exercise to make it
happen. i use to not have to work out and eat whatever i wanted and
burn it off working construction. At the time i had a decent body, one
i was happy with. i have never liked working out so working
construction was perfect for me in many ways. It was perfect because i
was working outside, physical labor, i was able to use my mind, and all
the workout that was free. Hell it was not free, i was paid for it!
Fast forward a few years and i am a few years older and we both know i
do not have to work like i once did. Did i compensate and change my
diet and start exercising? For a while and then i stopped. i could name
off numerous excuses for why i stopped such as laundry, phone, i hurt,
wah wah. Excuses is all they were.
Which
brings me back to my point about creature of habit can be a positive. i
am going to make it a habit to eat healthy and exercise regularly. Why?
For ME. Because i am happy when i look decent with no small gut AND
because it is good for me. my life may not be all roses right now
without You, but i do want to live longer. Who knows You may even one
day take me back again and i really want to be alive if that happens!!
Another positive aspect of being a creature is learning to eat healthy
and make it a point to cook HEALTHY meals. Not hot dogs or Ramen
noodles. But real food. Now, pull Yourself up off the floor and please
stop the Italian muttering lol.
Yes,
there will probably be many burnt meals but i will eat them and learn.
Because i want to and because it is in my own best interest to be able
to cook a good meal. Yes, i can make a decent spaghetti sauce but i
want to make a great one. i also want to be able to set foot in Your
kitchen and make You a meal that will make You proud. i know on that
measure i have my work cut out for me. But do You know what? i KNOW i
can do it.
That is something i lost
and which has carried me to the position i am in life. my belief in
myself. i have always believed i could do anything i wanted to if i
applied myself. The only person who could stop me was me. i am not
saying i can do brain surgery because i know my limits. But i am
talking realistic goals. Like going to college, learning to build a
house, running a department of people older than me. i always believed
i could do anything i set my mind to and i lost that belief.
i
am not sure how, when or why. i just know i lost it. What is important
is that i have realized this and have regained my belief in myself. i
can quit chewing because i know i can do it and do not need it to
survive, i know i can learn to cook a good meal, i know i can be the
good man i once was. i know it because i am. i am a good man. i lost
that belief but i know i am a good man who has made some costly errors.
i was talking to my friend R tonight and apologized to him for being a
poor friend the past year and he said i was fine. Which i would expect
from him because he is a great friend and is so forgiving. In the eyes
of most society i have not done any grievous wrongs. In my eyes i have.
i have failed not only myself, but You. It bothers me that i have hurt
You and let You down because i am a better man than that. i am a man
who does not let down the Woman who loves him without demand. I AM the
MAN You need, want, and love. Sadly, it took this for me to realize how
my life was heading.
Another
point i want to tell You about. For a while i began thinking i may have
something of a dominant in me. Why would a man who knows he is
submissive think this? i know You may be scratching Your head because
You know how submissive i am to You. To be honest it was because i
wanted to be in control of something. i obviously was not in control of
my life and that was me screaming to myself that i was out of control.
A true dominant does not control, they do not control to make up for
lack of self-control. Those are marks of a pseudo-dominant. Sure there
are times when i really have wanted to tell You 'Mistress, i want to
fuck You' because You arouse me so much i really do have that urge. No,
it is not because You have a wonderful body. It is EVERY little thing
about You. Your mind, Your heart, Your love. Everything about You makes
me want to be inside You, close to You, as close to You as a i possibly
can be. To make love with You while we both whisper endearments and
assurances of love, wrapped in each others arms and knowing we are safe
and loved. Loved for the person we are, not what we do for someone
else. But loved for the special wonderful people we are who care for
each other so much we can not bear being apart.
No
one has ever aroused such intense feelings within me as You have. No
one has ever challenged me, made me evaluate myself like You do, and
loved me so deeply and intensely as You do. And i love You for all of
it.
There
is so much i need to tell You and want to tell You. As i write i think
of even more to say, things which i have long not said anything about
or want to shed some light on. Have i ever told You how much i truly
enjoy opening myself to You? i know i have, but damn Honey it just
feels so right to do it. i always feel i am in more than a
relationship, i am part of something special.
i have failed to
do it in the past but that is what we are suppose to do is open up to
each other. Not just us but people in any good, solid, loving, mutually
supportive relationship. Perhaps that is one of the first things i
realized about You was that You got what i was talking about, even if i
did not understand completely myself. For a while i have lost sight of
mutually supportive and what it means. It means so much more than 'i
love You' and 'how was Your day, sorry to hear it sucked'. Mutually
supportive means opening up to the other and telling them whatever is
on our minds whether it be good or bad, hopes, dreams, or fears. Not
just talking to the other but LISTENING to them as well. You made a
comment about not wanting to be that old couple which pass each other
in the hall and say 'i love you' out of habit and with no depth to
saying it. At the time i thought i knew what You meant. Now i know what
You mean without a doubt. Is it any wonder that even when my heart is
broken my love for You still grows?
Now
on to another topic. A few weeks ago Sa told You something which was
shocking and bothered You deeply. i heard from Si that You sent me an
email and were upset because i never replied to Your email. Si told me
the gist of what happened and what Sa told You. i am guessing Your
email was along the lines of what Sa said to You and the implications
it would have on us. Co, Honey, i would never want to take You away
from Sa or make Sa think she is losing what is left of her family. You
would never force me to leave my kids and i would never drag You away
from Yours. Your kids are my kids and my kids are Yours and we both
love kids. i know how important family and Sa are to You and You know
how important B, E, and M are to me. i have always figured that at some
point either Yours or mine would worry about losing their aunt or uncle
to someone and it is something neither of us are willing to do until
they are old enough to understand. Yes, M is old enough and would
understand completely. Heck, if it was just M here on my end she would
be asking why am i being so stupid and not out there with You now. But
since the other three are still too young to understand then it is up
to us to adjust and wait until they are old enough. i have no issue at
all with waiting until then for us to be together all the time. Not at
all. It is up to us to be creative and come up with a situation that
works for us and fits our lives. If it takes another 10 years we both
may not like being apart, but we can do it. We can do anything we want
to because the only people who make us fail are me and You.
i
also realized this week my situation at work is of my own creation.
Yes, Su can be bad at times but You know what? so can i. i am as much
responsible for the situation as she is. She has actually been working
to help me and i have just been so stuck on being the victim to either
not see it or recognize it. A few weeks ago we sat down and had a
little tete-at-tete where she told me she was talking to our manager to
get the company to pay for my Master's and that she was also trying to
get me promoted. She also said that K my former boss was trying to get
A promoted as well and Su was not sure if the company would promote two
people from the same department in the same year For some background A
has been there 15 years and only been promoted once, she started at my
level as well. Can You guess what i told Su? You will never be able to
guess what i told her.
i
told Su "well if it came to a choice between A and i, i would not be
upset if A got the promotion and i had to wait". What the Hades did i
say? Yes, i said what i said and meant it. Su got me a new computer
this year and the computer A has is like 6 years old and K told A it is
not in the budget so A can not get a new computer. A really knows her
stuff and in my mind should be higher up than she is. She works hard
and K will not fight to get A a new computer? Su and i have butted
heads in the past and yet she got me a new computer. In fact it was
easy. She told our manager i needed a new one and all i had to do was
write up a few lines why i needed a new computer and Presto! i had a
new computer a week later. Anyway, when i told Su that if it were
between A and i to get a promotion and i believed A did deserve it Su
said 'no, she really doesn't. you deserve to be higher than you are
because you have grown a lot in the job and i have seen how much you
have progressed. so do not say A deserves it more than you.'
i
walked away thinking Su was an itch for saying something like she did
about A (remember my mindset and how Su was an itch) and that i thought
A really did deserve a promotion. But after i thought about what Su
said and after a few weeks had passed thinking about what i have been
thinking about i realized it all adds up. This is all the same as me
becoming what i do not like and i realized i have become something else
i do not like. A doormat. You have never looked at me as a doormat and
i do not like doormats. Yet at work i had become a doormat.
Su
has been offering me support and respect and i have been expecting
something else to follow. You know, the worst 'the other shoe to drop'.
i am as much, if not more, the cause of the problem between us. The
past few days viewing her in a different light i have noticed things in
a different light. She is actually trying to be a better person and
better leader. She is trying to support me and offer respect (sound
familiar?) and i have been rejecting it because of what? For stupidity
and foolishness.
Today
AM was in my lab doing some work and i was taking some photos. AM and i
were talking about politics and Su came in and we began talking about
education in Korea. Su actually sat down and talked about how things
were in SK when she was growing up and how lucky we are to have been
born in America. It was very insightful to learn about a different
culture (something i have always loved) and it gave some insight to her
as a person. Her experiences in school and her views on what is wrong
with the SK educational system said a lot to me. When Su left my lab i
told AM that it helps explain some things about Su and i meant it in a
kind way and AM realized what i was talking about. Now with some more
thought about what she has experienced i feel some pity and
understanding. Now i see she is really trying hard to change things
which even she sees has inadequacies. Here is my chance to shine, i can
help her become a better manager. She really is trying and she has her
deficiencies. She knows she has them and has opened up a little about
them to me. i know i am a good leader (when my head wasnt up my ass i
couldnt lead an eskimo to a glacier) and this is a way i can help her.
On
Tuesday i am going to email her and set up a meeting for us for the
following week. i would have the meeting next week but she will be on
vacation. In the meeting i am going to offer an olive branch and
swallow a lot of crow. i think i need to talk things out with her. She
is trying and working hard and i owe it to myself and her to clear the
air and make the best of this situation. Respect is not given it is
earned. Slowly i am earning her respect and she mine. Perhaps if i do
this it will go a long way to smoothing what has been at times a
tumultuous road. If it doesnt? Nothing ventured nothing gained, right?
When
we were up in Stinkyville this year on the first night we were there K,
J and i were talking and K told me 'I always thought you would be more
successful than you have been''. At the moment i thought it was odd and
wondered what he meant. i still have not been able to talk to him about
it because we will need to be alone or with J to discuss it. K is that
way, he will say things to his friends and comfortable with but will
feign ignorance if i were to ask him around other people. But i have an
idea what he means and he is right. i too have thought i would be
further along than i am. Why havent i? Well, i think we both know after
the last year and a half the answer to that. i keep screwing myself.
It is almost as if i
am afraid of complete success. You have offered me security and success
and i get scared. i consider a wonderful, loving relationship a
complete success and i would rather be judged by my Maker on that than
financial success or how i did in a business. It shows in my financial
situation. At times it seems i just throw money away because i think i
do not deserve it or am afraid of being successful. Why would i fear
success monetarily? my experience with my family i think explains that.
The moment i have any type of money they had always been there for some
handout and i chose to give it to them. i may have had good intentions
but they did not and it has made me wary of showing any sign of
success. If i have success they are jealous and expect me to give them
any so it is better to be broke and not have to listen to them. Foolish
if you ask me. i am going to change that. If they want success they can
work like i have, struggle like i have, and work for it like i have.
They have the same opportunities as i have had. i am not the one who
made the choices they have made. Does that make me callous and mean? At
this point i do not think so.
i
have lived in fear of my potential and my success long enough. It is
about time i liberate myself from these shackles. You have long told me
this and its about time i listened to You. Actually it is long past due.
Now
another point which i know has hurt You gravely and i need to address.
You told Your friends about me and were proud of me. Me? i never said a
word. For that i am ashamed and sorry. Why did i not say a word? i was
scared and afraid. Afraid if i said something to them they would think
i was crazy, or if i said something to them You would suddenly
disappear. i may have some grounds for the former but when i think
about the times You have disappeared it has been because i pushed You
to do so. Maybe not push You to do so but i did not make You feel safe
enough to open up to me about what was bothering You. In essence i
earned each one of Your ''disappearances''. i brought them about all on
my own and i accept full responsibility for You leaving. If i had been
the man You fell in love with You would have felt safe telling me about
what Sa said, or when You got sick.
i
was afraid to tell my friends because they would might think me nuts
for loving someone the way i do whom i have never met. They would also
think i am nuts for loving someone the way i do who leaves when things
are rough. i have been the fool for thinking this way. They do not know
You the way i do. To be honest it has been a long road to get to the
point where i trust You so much and know You so well that i know i
alone pushed You to disappear or release me. Now that i know this and
would defend You to my last breath it is too late.
What really showed me the depth of Your feelings? This past
Fourth of July. You got up at and ungodly hour so we could spend some
time together. To most people that would be passe or completely
meaningless. To me? i know how valuable Your free time is. To be more
precise i know how little true free time You have. And to get up early
on one of Your few days when You could sleep in so we could spend some
time together really impressed upon me how much US and i meant to You.
Is it any wonder why i love You? What is a wonder is why You stuck with me through all of the BS i have put You through.
This
is a hard part for me to say. Most of tonight has been hard for me to
write so what is another hard part. i know why You stuck with me until
now. You believed in love and You believed in me. You believed in me
even when i did not believe in me anymore. To me that is what true love
is. Sticking with someone when times are tough and they are down.
Love may not be enough 'tis true. It takes
understanding, compassion, time, and patience. But true love can and
does conquer all. Why? Because nothing can beat true love. Love IS the
most powerful tool we humans possess. And You know more about how to
love than i anyone i have ever known, met, or heard of.
It
never ceases to amaze me all the reasons why i love You. You have
always been there for me. i love You more today than i did the day
before. The saying may sound cliche, but each time You challenge me and
i lose You i love You all the more. i am becoming a better person
because of the loving lessons You bestow upon me. Albeit my learning
curve is a lot steeper than others, but i am learning my lessons.
How
can i ever repay You? By loving You wholeheartedly and being the man
You deserve. i write this knowing full well You may never even read it.
It may never be seen by Your beautiful eyes, but i write it in the hope
that You will. It may well be a fools hope, but a fool i am. A fool so
completely and devotedly enamored with You.
i love You with all of my heart and each fiber of my being. No matter what happens i will always be Yours.
i love You forever and for always,
Yours.
P.S.
A radio station here is playing the 80's from A-Z this weekend. They
started on Wednesday and will finish sometime on Monday. Anyway, on
Wednesday they started off with the A's (logical place to start when
going A-Z) and i heard a song and i loved it. So i stopped what i was
doing and listened to it because it sounded familiar. I listened and
knew why. It is a song which i know is one You like and to me it struck
a chord because it is how i feel in regards to You. The song title i
believe is 'And So It Goes' by Billy Joel.
Mistress my heart is in Your hands as Yours has always been
in mine. i may not always have treated Yours the way it should be
treated but please forgive me. i have hidden in my room for far too
long and want to give myself completely to You.
If i have ever
heard a song that was 'us' this really is the song. This in my mind is
our song even more than the Doughtery song is. i have never had a
choice in the matter because my heart has always been Yours. i may have
hidden from the fact, cowered in fright of what could happen, but my
heart has always been Yours from the very start.
i vow with my
grandmother as my witness to take excellent care of Your heart if You
ever dare to come forth from Your room and share it once again with me.
P.P.S. It is such a wonderful, haunting, sad, and very real
song i just listened to it on Youtube. Honey, i love You more than
words will ever be able to express.
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Hello,
i just wanted to stop in and say i miss You and deeply regret ever hurting You or letting You down in any way. i will have more shortly. i so wish i could still email You because it will be another of my rambling masterpieces. i miss writing them for You, hell, i miss everything about You. The tone of Your voice, the sweet way You write, the sense of love and pride You always have. Damn i miss You and know i f'ed up bad this time. i am sorry Mistress Co.
i love You and always will.
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It has been some time since i posted on this forum. In fact i just reactivated my account today. Why did i return after so long an absence? Because i tried to email the One i love yesterday only to have the email returned undeliverable. So, after thinking about it i thought maybe i would try to at least post to Her here in the hopes She will see it.
Why was Her email returned? i don't know. What i do know is i had not emailed in about 2 weeks because of various reasons. One of which has been work. i am looking through a scope all day, every day, for the last three weeks and for one more week. What does that have to do with anything? At the end of the day my eyes are burning and i cant stare at a computer for very long. Oh, i sent IM's, did You get them? i figured i could at least try to let You know what was going on via IM and i would come on at night at our usual time to meet. When You did not show after an hour or so, i figured we would not be speaking that night and i would shut down the pc.
Why didnt i call? Well, because i am a stubborn foolish as*. i thought because You had not returned my last calls that You did not want to talk to me on the phone.
Which leads to why am i typing all this now? Yes, my eyes hurt but damn when i got the message last night that the email was undeliverable my heart was ripped out from my chest. You have threatened leaving in the past, and even released me once. But none of that ever ripped my heart out like the returned email. That killed me.
i have been thinking and crying all day (have you ever tried looking through a tear smeared scope, not easy to do) and have thought constantly about You. Yes, i did think of You while i was at work prior to this, but i was thinking today of how i screwed up.
i never realized how much i need You in my life. Also, how much i never told You about me. True, You know me better than even my friends who have none me 30x longer than we have known each other, but there are some things You did not know. Why didnt You know? Because i did not know them about myself.
Now i know. Remember, how You once told me You always knew if You commanded me to do something it would be done with no doubt in Your mind? At times it was hard for me to do those things and i said i did not like it. But You know what? i NEED You to make me do activities like that.
Why would i say i NEED You to make me do activities like that, when i said i wasnt a huge fan of them in the past? Because it really makes me open up to You and keeps me focused on You. See, if i think things are going well between us i will slip and not say all the things i want to say. Why? Well, when we would start talking at night all the things i thought were important, or wanted to tell You, would slip my mind. They weren't nearly as important as simply talking with You.
Talking with You about Your day, or my day, or what was going on, making plans, etc was the highlight of my day. Now? i have no highlights only a lonely, empty apartment to come home to.
Hearing from You always made me happy and brightened my days. Getting a task from You was heaven. Sex, do i need to discuss that? We both know how that went!
i NEED You. All facets of You, Mistress Co. i miss You and i believe You miss me as well. i have never allowed anyone in as much as i have You and i know the same holds true for You.
So why do i keep screwing up? i think it comes down to simple fear. Fear of what? Not of You, never You. i have learned to believe in You and trust You implicitly. What do i fear then? Success.
i am awful at relationships and we both know it. But why would i fear having a successful one? Because i am afraid of being hurt. Of being hurt this badly. So guess what i did? i made myself hurt and even worse thant that? i hurt the One i love above all others.
Is it too late to repair the damage and move forward? i am afraid Your answer is yes. That scares me more than anything is knowing that it is too late, i have gone too far.
Mistress Co, i am so sorry for hurting You or letting You down. Please forgive me.
love always,
Yours.
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Just to correct the record. She may not be perfect to others, but to me? She is perfection personified. She is all i have ever searched for in a partner, lover, friend, and Mistress. Which would equate to perfection in my book.
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Well, there has been quite a turn of events since my last entry. She is back!! Oh i do not think i have been any happier in my life. i knew i had missed Her and all She is, but my life feels as it should be now with Her at my lead (or leading me from behind lol). God how i have missed You and love You Mistress!!!!!!!!
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After a long absence i felt the need to post on here once again. i had found the One i had always longed for and cherished all She gave me. For some reason (knowing her as i do i am certain there was a valid reason) unknown to me She is gone. i have not heard from her in nearly 3 months no returned phone calls, texts, or even emails. At this point in time i am at a loss of what to do. i guess a smart man would simply give up but can i do that? To Her?
To me it would be akin to giving up hope which is something i do not do easily. Perhaps she will read this and send a note at least wishing me well in my future endeavors...at least something which would be better than nothing.
i do not like the situation i am in and wish it were different. i miss You Mistress.
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Happy Valentines Day!!! xoxox ---(--(@
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So here we are once again, another week has passed. How is the weather out there, last i heard y'all were getting snow and cold. We have been lucky here, no snow. But damn cold! Today is in the mid 20's so its not too bad. Last week when we went ice fishing there was 10 inches of ice, i can only imagine how thick it is now! We will find out next week when we go again. Last weeks catch was so-so, we caught about 30 pickerel (damn worthless things, keep the bass away!) and 8 yellow perch. i landed a 1 pounder and could not believe how big it is. The state record is 2 pounds and i would love to see how big a 2 pound yellow perch is! We were hoping for some bass and trying a new spot the pond, we thought the chances of a big bass were better in that area. In the summer S catches a lot of bass in that area and hooked into a big one last summer there. But no luck on the bass, next time we fish the pond we will go back to where we normally fish. We always catch bass there, well almost always unless the damn stickerels dont start biting lol. A few years ago we pulled in a 5 pound large mouth through the ice in that area.....
So what is new with me from the week? Hmmm still in disbelief the Colts won the SB and Manning is the MVP. How the Hades did he get the MVP, with the numbers he had he was pedestrian. The running backs for Indy should have been co-MVP's, if it wasnt for them Indy would never have won. Well, better luck to Your boys for next year. Do You think they will keep Grossman or draft a new QB this year? Going to be a few good ones in the draft this year.
i went to visit B on Thursday at moms, but mom and him were on their way out so i went to visit grampy. He seems well...very agitated with everything going on and i think he really just wants to die to be honest. Just before i left, C, came home and we talked a little. Funny, ever since i spoke with mom and A, i get the cold shoulder from C. She still talks to me, but she seems indifferent because i did not take the side she wanted.
Which leads me to therapy yesterday. i was telling my therapist about my family and all and i think he was scratching his head at them lol. However, talking to him about the conversation i had with A and mom, and how the other two are reacting, and how they all have acted in the past made me relize my new stance. i dont want to be put in the middle of their BS when they are attacking each other, i am not taking sides. i can be a brother equally to them and not take sides and if they cant handle me being that way...too f'ing bad! i think You were right in summing up my family, what they offer is a bastardization of love and what family is. my choice is to love them, but with boundaries and be aware of them and forgive them for what they have done and move on. Know them and dont let it affect my life. i should have learned that a long time ago, but better to learn it late than never!
i was talking to a friend (C's old friend who got tired of the BS) and we were talking about family and how they can affect a relationship. Anyway, she made a statement that makes a lot of sense to me and i had never thought of it in the past. She said: when you are involved with someone, they become your immediate family and that is all that matters. i believe she is right and from now on that is my mindset, because it makes sense!
What else is new? Well, i have made some friends on here. i am expanding my horizons, learning about other people, cultures etc. i find it nice to converse with people and believe it or not offer some advice and suport to them. It is amazing how many people are just like me or You. We all have our issues and it is how we handle them or if we let them handle us that is the difference. But sometimes we arent aware of them handling us until someone mentions it and then it is up to us to address them or not. i have met some pretty nice people and find it interesting to hear about them. It is something i have always enjoyed is learning about other people, there stories and trying to help if i can. Sometimes all it takes is a nice word to help someone. i can do this!
So i find myself thinking more and more often, how are You doing, i wonder where She is now work, shooting, traveling, with the family, at camp etc. i find myself wondering hmmm i wonder what we would be doing right now if we were together. God i miss You! i sent a text yesterday just because i miss You and think of You. You mean the world to me still, if it were not for You where would i be? Thank You so much for being You!!! i sometimes look at Your profile and it is bittersweet but it calms me and makes me think of such sweet memories with You and of things to come! i also think of how amazing, wonderful, and caring You are. Truly special!
my goal this week is to develop a budget. Since i am making some progress on my emotional issues and i am very happy with how my life is changing in that aspect it is time to get the financial end straightened out! i have never done a budget before and well look where i am. i was once great with money and somewhere developed some bad habit or another and am unsure what i am doing wrong. i think if i track what i am spending and where and set up a record of what needs to be paid when, etc i can see what i am doing wrong and truly correct it. Enough is enough.
How are You? What is new with You? How are the kids and family? How are Your friends doing? How is shooting going, still kicking ass and taking names i am sure!!! Every Thursday i think of You shooting and kicking the boys asses and smile!! Oh i do love that!!!
i hope You are doing well and i cant wait to hear from You again! It seems the time will never pass, it seems to go fast in some aspects and drag along at others. Kind of like being a kid in school at the start of the school year, you think Summer break will never get here!! Yes, that is how it feels at times!
i miss You and love You! i hope You are doing well and have a great week!!!!!
xoxoxo
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Sorry about Your boys, i was rooting for them perhaps that was the problem! *^*^* COLTS! Now we have to endure more Manning?!?!? Oh god i am going to need therapy! Oh, wait i am going to therapy already lol. Well, i was hoping Your boys would win, sorry they didnt. i miss You
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Hey there, hi there, hoe there! We're as happy as can beeeeee..... Umm Ok lol how the Hades are You? It was great to hear from You the other day, even a simple brief message was so touching and meant a lot to me! Thank You!
So what a week huh? Ohhhh You dont know what happened this week lol, not yet anyway. Well how is this for good news, Led Zeppelin MAY be getting back together and touring !! Yeah, ok so that isnt all this weeks news lol, I am just shocked that they may do it!
Grampy was released from the hospital on Monday night. He opted out of having surgery, he wants to leave it in Gods hands. Good for him! i am happy he did what he wanted to do! The one drawback was B was diagnosed with pneumonia in his right lung on Monday afternoon and was still contagious when they brought grampy home. Grampy was looking forward to seeing B but they had to keep the two of them apart for a couple days as a precaution.
Ohhhh the best news of the week? My sister, A, got a job! It is at a convenience store, she has worked at them before and she likes the work. She is happy and i am very happy for her. i think having a job will help her a lot! She is actually excited to be working again and it has already started making her feel better about herself.
The other night, i left a message saying to appreciate Your family. Oh, what a week it was for me. i finally fully realized how twisted they are, especially C, L and mom. Yes, they are my family and i will always love them but with boundaries. my therapist does not seem to think that is ok, to have boundaries with your family. Well, he is the pro but unless they change things in their lives i cant have that type of relationship without boundaries. It is destructive behavior, i have to live my own life and be my own priority.
Last night i was talking with my friend S on the phone and telling him all i have realized about my sisters and how they manipulate and use not just me but each other. He told me he was happy for me that i finally realized it. He had dropped hints before and wanted to tell me but did not want to hurt our friendship (he knows i have always defended them over anyone). i agree with him, i would rather have our friendship and plus if he had told me, it would have fallen on deaf ears because i did not want to acknowledge the truth. Perhaps i am simply making excuses for my behavior in the past, or maybe not. i dont think i am making excuses i think i needed to realize these things in order to move forward. Now i can have an adult relationship with them, forgive them for their past and move forward as adults.
Ohhhh why am i doing the journal tonight instead of Saturday morning? We are going ice-fishing tomorrow wooo hooo!!!!!! Hope we catch some big ice! lol. Me, S, his dad and uncle at least are going and it will be a blast. Being with them is always a great time. i cant wait! And its suppose to be in the 30's so a good day to be out there! +
Ohhhh things at work are better too! Oh S is still a biotch, but i handle it much better now. Ahhh it is actually much better to go to work now. i am glad i did not just up and leave but think about it and make sure i was not the problem. In fact i was part of the problem there! Now i can move forward there and in all my life. God it is so wonderful to know that the problems all along were me and i can change and improve!!
Thank You so much for all You have done and for Your love! You are amazing!! i love You!!!!!!!!!
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Well, Grampy is still in the hospital. They have him in ICU still at least for the weekend because his doctors are out of town so no one can authorize his release. He is anxious to get home and listen to the hubbub at the house, including the little man. They are trying to talk him into surgery to put in a shunt (the doctors and my mom and uncle that is) but he does not want to do it. They cant gaurantee he will make it thru the surgery which is one reason he does not want to do it, the other is he is simply ready to move on and wants to enjoy what time he has left. They give him about 3 months to live without the surgery and not much more even if he does have it. i told him to do what he wants to do, dont do the surgery if he does not want or do it if he wants to. But, dont do it simply because his kids are pushing him to do it. It is his decision to make and they should respect his choice. we all want our family members to live forever, but that can not happen. i just want him to be happy however long he still has with us. Just wanted to let You know what is going on here. i miss You.
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Good morning! Or is it good afternoon! Well, hell just good to see You! So what is new with You? How is life going? Ever go get Your sausage, etc yet? How are the kids, family, work, friends? Did P make a speedy recovery from surgery? Is mom still driving You nuts, ok so i dont need to ask that one lol. i MISS You!!!! :)
So what is new with me this week? Ahhhh lets see. Well, for starters i did not burn any food while cooking it! That is a good thing, right? Nothing worse than eating burned carrots or broccoli, but cant just waste them. Oh wait, i did burn some mixed vegetables and they included broccoli, hmmm sensing a pattern here? lol
i only got to work out a couple days this week, which bugs me a little but there is a good reason why. On Wednesday morning my grandfather was rushed to the hospital with chest pains. They admitted him and ended up putting him in ICU with a nitro drip. They thought he was on the verge of a major heart attack. i think part of it was stress because Thursday was the first anniversary of grams death. So Wednesday night i went to visit him a while, then on Thursday i went and visited for a few hours again. Some of the things he told me on Thursday were pretty upsetting. He feels like a failure as a father i think because of some of the BS his daughter (my mom) is doing to him and some of the stuff his son and my sister are doing. It is pretty disgusting what they have done and what they have him thinking. Last night i had therapy and did not get home till 8, which is past Gramps's bed time.
i am going to go visit him for a while today. They were going to take him out of ICU yesterday if he did not need the nitro drip anymore. However, no one had told me anything so he may not even be in the hospital. The last time he was in the hospital i went up to visit him, went to his room and no one was in it lol so i asked the information desk and they were like ohhh no he was released this morning lol. Oops, yeah great to hear that from my family.
i have been thinking a lot about what You had said when i first told You about how my family is. You are right, i need to address these things in order to have an adult relationship with them. And once i do this i can love them as they are, love with some boundaries for my own good.
Talking with my therapist yesterday i got the feeling i seem to really have a problem with relationships with females so next week we are going to start digging into things. i so can not wait to start! i really feel things are improving already. Things have started to change and improve since i met You and they have been getting better before therapy and omg it is just so wonderful to know that i can do this and i have been the sole one holding myself from having the type of relationship i have always wanted.
What else is going on? Not much i think that pretty much sums up my week. Not much going on really other than the thinking and working.
i miss You a lot, a lot, a lot.
You truly are an amazing and wonderful Woman. i love You for all of You, all of who You are and know that You are the most wonderful person i have ever been involved with. i love You.
After i visit grampy i may go ice-fishing, if it is not too late. We finally have ice and last Sunday S and C went out for a few hours and caught some nice bass. i hope i get to go but if not, there will be ice next weekend!
Ohhhh next weekend is the SB, hmmm still dont know who i will root for. Bears i think, well You know why!!!!
i hope You are doing well and i hope You have a great week. i miss You and love You.
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Happy Birthday to You!!!!! Happy Birthday to You! Here are my birthday wishes to You for all the best and joy on this wonderful day!
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Congrats to Your boys! The defense definately won the game and they looked like the defense from earlier in the season. Whoever faces them in the SB is going to have their hands full, should be a good SB. However, the QB still looked very shady from the half i saw...but with a defense playing like that?!!!?!!!! Damn!
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Good luck to Your boys today! i hope they win, no one seems to think they have a chance, but i will be rooting for them!
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Hello and good day to You!!!! How have You been???????????? i wish, oh how i wish You happiness and joy and hope all is going terrific for You! It is a little hard to type right now because my #%$#% arms are sore LOL that is what i get for getting out of shape! Too many pushups, or not enough of them yet hmmmm dont know. i wish my abs would be as sore as my arms but oh noooooooooo they are only sore while i do my situps/crunches and other ab excercises. Damn it i want to feel the burn in my abs too!! How is everyone and eveything in Your life, my love? i miss You, i miss how You always 'got' me, part of my life feels empty without You. Last night i had to use my olive oil for cooking...mmmmm yes You know what i was thinking of and i smiled and was sad at the same time...ahhhhh memories....
So last Sunday, i had a talk with my mother and A. i am glad i waited and thought about what/how i was going to address the issue and had heard from C's friend before i acted. You know when something just does not 'feel' right? Well, that was the feeling i had before i heard from the friend, once i heard from her i knew why. It still did not make it easier for me to address the issue, and i also wanted to approach the issue so as to not come off as if i am attacking. One thing i learned from my first therapy session is sometimes when i am asking a simple question, or discussing something, though i may not mean to be i come off as attacking and so i must change that. One can not have a productive conversation if either party feels as if they are being interrogated, right? So if that is how people feel, and it has not been just one person as You know, then it must be me and something i can change. Anyway, when i spoke with Mom and A, it turned out to be a very productive and wonderful experience. i had been dreading the conversation for no reason!! Part of what i realized is that what i am being told by the other two sisters are to try and make themselves look or feel better at A's detriment, when in fact they have issues to. i have in the past added to the issues by not saying anything or even partaking of the non-support. That is not going to happen again. i did tell A that if she did not change things i would go for custody of B and she said that she believed it would be the right thing if i did it if she did not correct things in her life. To make the long story short she is and has been working on straightening out things in her life, she wants more in her life, she is trying and i support her. i know she can do it and has to believe in herself. i cant wait to see how she flies!! Now i think i need to sit down with the other two and speak with them, address that set of issues and let them know that i am tired of the antics and if need be i am willing to walk away from them. i know these two will take offense at everything pretty much no matter what, they think they are not the problem even in their own lives. i will have my hands full with them, but hey if i want to have an adult relationship with my family i have to be 'present' in the relationship and let people know how i feel and accept them as they are. i feel like a buffoon trying to write out these things, much easier to just say them...but oh well, this is the lot i cast for myself. I miss You! So therapy this week was good, i like my therapist he explains things, asks good questions and pushes me to acknowledge my actions in my past and take responsibility for actions and he makes me see things in a different light. Some of the things i have said in our sessions are not things i wanted to say or admit about myself, but damn it is so helpful! Thank You!! So Thursday night i did my excercises and started making dinner. i was reheating chicken i had made on Monday and boiling some carrots. While the food was cooking i sat down to read, checking the oven a few times. One time i went to see if the carrots were done yet and they needed a while still so i went back to reading. It seemed like only a few more minutes when i smelled something.....yep, You guessed it! i boiled all the water out of the pan and burned the carrots!!! LMAO! i thought You may find the humor in it, not only can i burn broccoli but carrots too!!! It looks like Your boys have a tough game tomorrow, i think they will win. They have a serious advantage: weather lol. The major problem is which QB will show up for the game? i have been thinking how fun it would be to watch a game with You and mmmmm how it would be with Your boys in the SB. i dont think my boys have a snowballs chance in hell for tomorrow, but i hope they win just so we dont have to endure 2 weeks of hype about peyton manning, if so just shoot me, please. i hope You are doing well, i miss You deeply and love You with all my heart!!!
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Congrats to Your boys!! i cant wait to see them play NO next week, should be a good game. my boys played awful and did not deserve to win but they won somehow. Going to be 2 good games next weekend i think!
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Good morning! How have You been? i wonder daily how You are doing, what is going on with Your life. God i miss You! i looked at the moon the other day and was chuckling thinking of what happens on a full moon lol. C, Honey, Mistress C, god in heaven i miss You! i knew we would have good times and bad times in our lives, but as long as we had each other nothing could stop us. Only we could stop us, or as what happened....i stopped Us. How is Your family, friends, work, school?
As i posted earlier i met with my shrink this week. i was thinking of calling him Monday night when he called me and we set up the appt for Tuesday night. It went ok i guess, pretty much telling him about my family and the why i am there and what do i hope to get out of therapy. i cant wait for this weeks meeting! True not much happened and i felt a little absurd a few times for being there, but it did feel good to start the therapy. Dont know how to explain it but it felt good to simply start. He seems like an alright guy, at least he thinks he can help which is a good sign!
So what is new in Your world? i think of You often and have been tempted to contact You directly but i dont act on it. God to hear Your voice again and to feel the Love..... i miss You lots and lots and lots!!!!
What is new with me? Other than the shrink not much, excercising and did 30 minutes on my bike last night which felt great but only 20 minutes today, too sore lol. i think i have lost a few pounds aleady by changing my eating habits and the excercise so i am happy.
my family is totall mucked up. i have been talking with C's friend (yeah she has only one real friend) and learning things that are going on that no one tells me about. Also, C has been telling me of some goings on with their mother, sister, and grandfather. Its not good. Once when i told You a little about my family You stated they would not like You. If You only knew all that i know, You would like them less than You do. In fact, i dont even like them very much right now. i didnt have the talk last weekend with mom and A, but am doing it tomorrow. The BS has to end and if it does not end i am finished with them. You once said people think family can survive anything but that is not true. You are so right. i can not take this BS anymore and think the safest thing may be to simply walk away. Their actions are not healthy for them or myself. It is not easy for me to admit this because i dont give up easily but it could be for the best. i just dont know.
Oh, i plan on telling them soon too that i am going to move by the end of the year. Just at this time i do not know to where i will be moving. Part of me holding myself back has been staying here because of my 'family' and they may need me. So i have put aside what i want for them (though they dont know this). Remember i once told You my goal growing up was to get away from where i grew up? Well, i did get out of that town, but i want more.
Ok, i am senselessly rambling now and guess i will stop for now. i may write again later, i am just confused and missing You. i hope You are doing wonderfully!!
i miss You and love You
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Not part of the weekly diary, but.... i had my first therapy session tonight!! It was weird, nothing like i expected and can not wait to go again next week! The first three sessions are weekly, after that it is bi-weekly. He seems to be pretty cool and asks good questions. Oh it has finally begun!!
i love You !!!!!!!
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Ahhhhhh time for a weekly update!! What news doth we have this week? First, i miss You like no one has been missed before! i check my mail in hopes to hear a word fom You, though i know i wont hear a word from You for a while. Just my hope to hear from You, how You are doing how are the kids, Your family and friends. i miss our conversations and i miss You dearly. One thing i thought about this week was what if something happened to You, how will i ever know, i guess i will know somehow, right?
What else has happened? The service found a therapist for me, in my area and who accepted my insurance carrier on Wednesday. He had an appt open on Wedneday night but by the time they called me to let me know it was too late (his offices are in 2 towns i am completely unfamiliar with and would never have made it in time), but he had an opening for next Wednesday so they gave me his info to set up the appt. i called him on Thursday to set up the appt and have not heard back from him. i am going to call again on Monday, i didn't call on Friday because i did not want to appear pushy, plus perhaps he was away for the weekend.
i am thinking of something You told me in one of Your last emails: that it is time i put myself first. It is funny You said that because when i got this job i have and i was telling my dad about it he said the same thing then but i had no idea what he meant. After You told me that i really started thinking about it and started seeing i rarely put myself first. i always put other people before myself and my needs or wants.
So last Sunday i was suppose to help C take down the Christmas tree but was also suppose to go hiking with some friends, which i really wanted to do. So i called C and told her i would come over Monday and help her, i thought she would be mad. Surprisingly, she said it was ok and to enjoy the hike! So i went hiking and had a good time, though it ended up being painful the rest of the week lol. See i had started excercising again last Friday, part of which was riding my stationary mtn bike. Friday i rode for 10 min, Sat for 15 and Sunday i pushed for 25 then went hiking for about 7 miles. Know what that kind of leg work does to someone out of shape? OUCH! Yeah i was in pain walking until Thursday lol. i must be a masochist lol.
i have been thinking i am going to sit down with my mom and A tomorrow and have a long talk with them. Things they are doing in their lives that the family thinks they need to change. It is putting a lot of stress on us all what they are doing, one is an enabler and the other is well You know what i think of her. i believe it is time i sit down and do what i rarely do, give my opinion on how they are living their lives and how destructive it is not only to them but to those around them. Perhaps i am wrong, i was hoping to discuss this with my therapist but since i dont have one per se yet i am just going to go with it. i believe it is something i need to do. i am also going to give A the year to change her life around, get her GED get a real job, start being a real mother instead of viewing B as a source of income. If she does not change around in a year, then i will get a lawyer. B deserves much better than what he has been getting from her.
Hmmm what else.... Another thing i have been thinking of which i want to discuss with the therapist is perhaps why i distrust people and try to sabotage a great thing. i am thinking perhaps because of my parents divorce and my being desire to marry only once and for the right reason, and ever since A broke up with me i sabotage because i do not want to be in what i think is a great relationship to come home one day to be told " I am done, I do not love you anymore, your things are packed and ready for You and I have hired an attorney". Well, that is what i am thinking and i cant wait to start talking to a damn therapist! i really never thought i would look forward so much to therapy, so odd....
Work has been ok, things with S have been pretty quiet. i am also trying to make sure i am not the cause of the problems between her and i. i was thinking just before Christmas of getting a new job. i was indecisive because i figured why start a new job if i am only going to be leaving it to move to You then i sabotaged us. So i started thinking about a new job and came to the revelation that i am the cause of much of my anguish and need help. Then it dawned on me perhaps i am the cause of my issues at work as well so i should not leave until i have worked on myself. Otherwise i could start a new job and the same thing would happen, right? Even though i have never had this kind of issue with a co-worker before, it could be me so i need to do my best and apply myself as best i can. Something tells me it has been me. What do i know.....
One night this week i had a dream, a very nice dream.... we were at a party with some vanilla friends and i was sitting on a couch talking to someone. You leaned over and whispered in my ear "mmmm hi pet, how is that snake feeling, is it making You distracted and wishing we were alone?" and i nodded to let You know that was exactly how i felt. Then You whispered "well that is wonderful pet, I knew it would do that and so enjoy knowing how You are squirming for Me and thinking of Me...... we will leave in a few more hours....Enjoy, My pet" and You walked off. As You walked away i only yearned more and more for You and though i wanted the release i found great pleasure in our little 'secret'.
Oh i have had other dreams as well this week and they were all delicious. i have thought of that special plug You have and ohhhh yum yum!!!!
i miss You dearly, C, my Love, my Mistress. This was a tough thing to do, to wait a week to not post anything to You or mail You or message or call. But i have been doing a good bit of inflection so it has been good in that sense.
Oh, another thing before i forget. i have been thinking of my finances and how to straighten them out. i normally pay my auto insurance monthly and it was up for renewal. i looked at the amount extra i pay for payments versus lump sum and its a 95 dollar difference so i bit the bullet and paid it lump sum. This will free up more money i can save or apply to other bills. i am thinking i will use it to pay off my truck first (its less than a grand i owe and i may just bite the bullet again next month and try to pay it off) which will free up even more money i can save or apply to paying of my cc. The balance on the cc is not that high but i want to get it paid off asap but will tackle the smaller bills first. But i am not sure, perhaps make double payments for a few months and pay off the truck by April and put more money each month to the cc so i pay them less interest and pay it off sooner. i know how You feel about credit and i feel the same way. Well, i will have a better idea at the end of this month what i will do.
God i cant believe how much i miss You! i love You very deeply and want to be with You so much, every day of our lives i want to be with You. Well, almost halfway through the first month, only 5 to go!
i love You C!!
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i knew starting this off it was going to be hard, no not the diary lol. i had honestly at one time hoped for a task similar to this but under far different circumstances lol. i thought the therapy was going to be trying at times and best for me to undertake alone at this time (thank You for Your insight and understanding!). What i do find difficult is the not communicating, the seperation. i miss You so much and am constantly wondering how You are doing, how is work, how is the family etc. Funny how one can miss someone so much and still know they are loved and missed as well. It may be hard to keep this to a weekly diary, i may want to post more often and i think that is a choice i shall make as the 'need' arises. i miss You and love You.
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| Age: 45 |
| GTA, Ontario,
Canada |
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