Idunnowhatever

I tried to delete this profile. I was able to log back in with it. Kind of weird. I guess they just don't care. Anyway I guess I'm back for a bit.

This is sort of what it's like to hypnotize yourself.

http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Lore:Breathing_Water

Hypnosis is going interestingly. I'm just doing it to myself. Self-hypnosis seems like a weird contradiction, but it isn't. In a way, all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. You can break out of it any time you really need to. At least, that's been the case so far.

Some results: I had a really bitching headache and the hypnosis session removed the headache entirely while I was under. Not some gradual thing that slowly eased up, oh no, just boom, headache gone. The headache came back when I was awake, slowly, over the course of the day, but it was gone while I was out. That was pretty interesting to note. There are things I used to convince myself I'm under but I was aware that those things could possibly be self-delusion, but the headache disappearing completely meant that what I was doing was, in fact, the real deal. I was in the realm of sleep, but not asleep.

I have something to note, for the time being. Maybe it's just me, but I suspect my finding is somewhat universal. The deepness of the state you are in is a kind of currency you use to buy your suggestions/commands. If a command is too great for the state you're in, you will kind of float up and into wakingness. For every suggestion, you have to reinforce your deepness, reinforce the hypnotic hold a little more. You also have to make the suggestion believable. If it's something too big to swallow, you can snap right out of hypnosis. With time and practice it might be possible to push things further, but like in "The Matrix", nobody makes the jump on their first try.

In the future, I want to associate words with various effects. One effect I want is to go right into sleep, or right into dreams. I'm going to meditate more with some lucid dreaming techniques, and in time I'll try to use hypnosis to help those things along until I can get to a point where I can think strongly about some inner power word and boom, I'm in a dream.

I don't know if I'll ever practice my hypnosis on other people. I don't think there are a lot of people really into that. Even so, I wouldn't want to test things out that I haven't tested on myself, first. I might be able to push myself to do incredible things. This should be an interesting year.

This is probably the third time I've seen one of these "come and take me by force" types of profiles. Oh yeah, sure, I'll just load up the old rape van and drop on by. Right. That's it.

First of all, how is anybody supposed to take that seriously?

Secondly, how do we know it's the real person, and not a vengeful ex-lover? "I'll fucking show that bitch, man." How do we know? I mean casually picking up a stranger who's into it is one thing, outright kidnap and fucking someone's life all up is another.

Third, and this is a bit dark side even compared to the rest of this entry, but it's worth pointing out; if I was one of those people who could just snatch people up by force, then what makes you so special? Why should I pick you when the whole world is up for grabs?

It's a good thing I'm never running for President. I'm sure this entry would bite me in the ass.

It's worth noting that I'm not an actual creeper and I don't possess a rape van. I just think dark thoughts, I'm sure most of the other people here do, as well. I just... man, there's just some things I'll never understand about people.

There are times I have to remind myself that I want to believe, and that's the problem.

I'm at a weird point in my life. A lot of people probably say something like that, but I really am. I was sick a while back, and I didn't know much about it and wasn't sure I was going to make it. Maybe I was being a big baby, but not knowing what's going on has a way of freaking you out. I had a lot of crazy, desperate plans in this time, mostly because I was thinking in "fuck it" mode. I wondered on some level what I would do if I could do it over again, but also I wondered what I would do RIGHT NOW since I wasn't sure how much time I would have left.

Now that I'm better, and I'm seeing that it wasn't such a big deal, I'm wondering what to do with myself. Some of my crazy plans even seem doable, and even worthwhile. I'm still plotting, planning, trying to come up with some way to make things better, or at least different. Closer to living the life I really want to live.

So I'd say that, given all this stuff, I haven't taken the "search" all that seriously. I wouldn't even consider myself in the game right now, so to speak. I've bitched a bit about the fakes on here but there are good people, too. Some wished me well when I was going through my troubles, and the thought that people cared made me happy. They didn't know me but they wished me well, anyway. That was truly awesome.

There have also been a few funny and cool people on here. So, it's not all bad. This site might be worth it for me, eventually. That is, if I ever figure out what it is I want to do.

I feel like I'm really losing my mind. Earlier I was angry just for hours, just angry, stressing out over old shit that's already resolved and other stuff that isn't, that I can't do anything about.

This isn't me, man. This isn't how I want to be.

Playing the Brain Age games helped, strangely enough. Haven't played in a few weeks. Taking the time to just do that turned my whole day around.

Christ. I'm going to do something really stupid and irrational one day unless I constantly stay on a brain improvement trip. I'm going to be stuck like Sisyphus trying to carry my sad boulder up the hill, except if I fail, a lot of people are going to get hurt.

Are there any nuthouses open nearby or did our government shut them all down?

Alright. A lot has happened in the last week. I can't stop and unwind it all right now, but later.

I'll probably have a lot of messed up dreams as my brain tries to sort out all this informational overload.

I think I'm just going to kid around on this site for a while. I don't expect anything to happen for some time to come.

I had a very stressful day.

Very stressful. Family issues.

We had an unusual storm for this time of year. Thunder, lightning, even wind in the early morning darkness. It felt like the storm matched how I was feeling. It even cleared up when I made the decision to not surrender my sanity. Odd when it works out like that, eh?

Later on I found out the hard way that my anger is making me sick again. Or sicker, I guess.

I need to find some way to be calm. Be me, stick up for myself when I need to, and live my life, but be calm, if only for the sake of being well.

That's going to be simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing to do.

Deliberate action. Willful surrender.

Time to take a deep breath.

I think I'd like to find a way to breathe water and form a kingdom of my own under the sea. Even if it was a kingdom of one, it would beat most of what the surface world has to offer.

   This has nothing to do with anything related to what I'm looking for. I think this is going to end up being a journal of my descent, as it were, into insanity.

So anyway I played the mess out of Skyrim last year, even read the in-game short stories that you find in the books in the game, and I started trying to get into the role-playing aspect of RPGs, and thought "what would I be like, in such a universe?" The Elder Scrolls universe is basically a nightmarish place. There are evil gods that constantly interfere with mortals and war with each other across many dimensions, and they outnumber the few good gods, who barely intervene at all and won't save anyone except in the most extreme, apocalyptic cases, and then only if conditions are just right. There are many afterlifes, but there's no guarantee you'll get there because someone could trap your soul in a gem and go on to use that gem as a kind of magic battery, which I imagine would drain your soul bit by bit until there was absolutely nothing of you left. Bummer. Even worse, they can use that soul to enchant an item so your soul gets stuck in someone's sweaty, horrible body odor-laden armor, or some wizard's dirty, probably urine-stained robes, for eternity. Think about that for a second. Some dude kills you, traps your soul, and then you're forced to power some spell that helps the person that killed you out, while you're stuck with them until they die, and then who knows what happens to you. There's no justice in that. Or worse, you can be summoned back as a ghost and made to submit to some wizard's will, when all you want to do is rest in peace or being with your loved ones on the other side. Your corpse can be turned very painfully into a zombie, which... I'm not sure how that works if your soul got trapped... because these aren't regular zombies, they can still think and say things that they would say when they were otherwise alive. I'm probably over-thinking things. Anyway, at least all the zombies seem to be in pain. They moan in agony and when I kill them they sometimes thank me for it.

I started to really wonder what I would do if I were plunked into such a place, a place where Trolls sometimes kidnap and rape people if not just outright eating them and scattering their bones about a cave, or where there seems to be 100 angry bears and 1000 bandits for every regular citizen. A place of werewolves and vampires and magic, where people still farm crops and try to lead regular lives even when part of the hazards of doing that involve potentially winding up as a pile of dragon shit*.

The answer to the question of what I would do, I guess, took a lot of strange twists and turns to get to, and starting over new characters just to see what different things were like. My current iteration has me using a spell to make just about everything that I can come across run away from me in horror, and while they're doing that, I summon a couple demonic peeps to hunt them down like dogs. They even say things like "Running away won't save you!" or "I smell weakness..." The sad thing is that I don't have to do any of that. My character is powerful enough to just whack at them with a sword until they die, and that would actually be faster and work better than what I'm doing now. It takes a while for my summoned guys to catch up to the (now) completely terrified enemies. They're not the most efficient killers.

I just do it because it's how I make the game fun to play.

*Dragon shit is, strangely, absent from the game.

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