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i have been without guidance or control for almost two months now and i am beginning to lose focus. my purpose in life, my secure place is quickly disappearing. I am not seeking to make tributes or be a 24/7 house boy, it takes a while to build trust and i prefer to take it slowly. It is difficult for a sub to lose his Mistress, it's frustrating, confusing and completely throws one's life into turmoil.
I am in the Fort Worth area of texas and would prefer to start out with some online/phone/web cam domination to see if we are a fit. I have been trained in orgasm denial, whippings in many shapes and forms, strap ons, dildos, corner time etc.
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i am in much better spirits today. after much begging and whining and texts and emails, my Mistress has begrudgingly agree to look over me until i find another. i am being considered by Someone and will learn in a week or two if She will take me on. i just couldn't fathom being on my own for two weeks and freaked out yesterday. it's like, i finally discover my place, my comfort zone and then it was all being ripped out from under me. i will be fine.
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Again i failed my Mistress. i did not do it purposely, i just have been overwhelmed seeking out a new Mistress and trying to accomplish my tasks that it slipped my mind yesterday. i have disappointed and angered Her and now......She has cut off all ties with me. i begged in emails and text messages and She doesn't respond. i have spent most the night sitting in my dark house, confused, lost and upset. i am pathetic, needy and probably not worth of service. This may be the last time i write here. i'm just..........weak and alone now.
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Once again i disspointed Her because i can not follow instructions! i feel so stupid when i can't succeed at the simplest of tasks. i was to journal here every day and yesterday..i did not do so. i spent the first ten minutes of my day naked and in the corner thinking about how immature i had been. Did i act out for attention? i say no, that it was just a slip of the mind but now that i think about it, maybe that's not true.
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i feel badly because tonight was the night i was to receive my discipline and something personal came up and i had to cancel. i realize these things happen but why do i feel so terrible when it does ? W/we don't have many times to get together and the last two times i have been unable to do so for one reason or another. Feeling bad.
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Last night i disobeyed and although i confessed to doing so i still feel guilty and know that soon i will pay the consequences. It was just a brief moment of weakness. i have many of those moments. i am weak. i am sorry.
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i am nervous about seeking out a new Mistress. i realize it is for the best but it is difficult nonetheless. i sometimes feel lost and confused not consitently having the attention and discipline i need. i am like an out of control teenager without guidelines.
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i sit here tonight missing my discipline sessions. It seems lately that every time one is scheduled something happens and it has to be put off. its's frustrating but these things happen. i am not allowed to release right now and i am having a very difficult time keeping my hands away. The more i'm told not to do so, the more my mind what's to do just that. i'm a child mentally, that's why this is the life i have chosen. one of submission.
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| Age: 30 |
| London, UK,
United Kingdom |
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