Humbledproperty

Some of you may have noticed my profile has either been hidden or unavailable, which I will do my best to further explain my absence which I hope that writing out these thoughts will somehow reveal myself from getting into this type of pattern in the future.   Now I make myself hidden when I feel quite overwhelmed, if I do not see things going forward, I try to let those I am speaking to know that, often it is more about the fact that I am willing to get to know them, but it’s often hard to tell if there is a match and that you are the person I am talking to within my profile.  Now I do realize that the hidden thing may annoy some people however as it is real time I am seeking, once I consider the person worth what I have to offer, I shall give them more, that is through mental, emotional, and physical chemistry, and the only way to find out if that exists is meeting face to face. Personally I do wish I could meet most of you contacting me, as the majority of you are awesome and people who if I do not connect with emotionally would make good friendships with.

I’ve been accused by some as not being real which I believe to be some nonsense as I do my best to reply to messages even if it may not be on their given schedule, for example say someone writes to me today, and I do not reply until a week from now it may not be as quickly as you would prefer.  Prior to taking my breaking, I had received sixty messages within three days, therefore if you write to me, keep in mind if I do not reply that it’s not disinterest that is keeping me from replying but the large amount of messages. I’ve been recommend to focus on just messaging one person at a time, and not reply to anyone else until I either find myself going to meet him or choosing not to, and going to the next message. My concern with going this route is missing out on a good opportunity; however I am open for suggestions in going through the weeding in an approach that gets me more actual meetings.

The thing is lately I’ve been recognizing I need to do better with prioritizing my time with all the aspects I am which include my obligations that remain a part of my life that include my job, my writing, my  friends and family (as they are a supportive bunch of people), the time I have to go on these types of  sites happen to follow afterwards. It would be different if I was in a committed dynamic as I may rearrange my obligations if possible for example I realize that while my writing is important and so are my friends I can make time for them otherwise. As I’ve been single and without a partner for years, I am used to having the freedom and independence to roam, however having shared in  this dynamic before, I am willing to give up that freedom for the right person within a healthy dynamic.

With my meeting Process, I am considering move quicker than I have to meeting on the phone rather than waiting to see if other elements fall in place, although I know if those elements do not meet there is no way we’d work out within a relationship. It is a reason that I have been slow with the moving forward, for example if I do not see you as the qualities I mentioned in my profile, or if we are seeking different elements within a dynamic there is little chance this type of dynamic would end up working. However I am not desiring to spend all my time online, due to if I do, it would not only be a waste of time, it will also keep me from putting time into someone who I may be more compatible with.  I will not be going to the phone without knowing the basics about the person, as I notice so many take advantage and I do not wish to regret the choices which I happen to make.

Looking at these thoughts from another view is the point that I am not choosing to rush into this type of relationship although I may loosen my intentions about speaking on the phone sooner than I generally do.  At my age of 31, I’ve had some experiences therefore I know well enough to not rush these dynamics, been there, done that and recognized they often do not last, besides when I feel comfortably after getting to know the person I do not have to think too much as I can trust myself with him and completely let go, trusting him to make the choices for myself.

• Verification.  Quite a few messages have asked me to prove I am my female, I do not judge you for wanting to know I am me, I recently ordered a new webcam, primarily for audio reasons.  Therefore expect to hear a greeting and possibly audio journals soon.
• Messages. I shall be replying to them as I can, right now I am weeding through those I am choosing to meet, to see those who may be closer to the idea of the dominant I mention on my profile.
• Erotica. Many of my messages regard in asking me about my fantasies, I've been seriously considering in writing some erotic stories, as I already write other pieces. I will keep you updated with my choices.

I figured I would give a bit of the insight from within that wacky brain of mine. Like most on this site who have not found their significant other, I am looking for the end of the path where I hope to find him, having been single for some years. Some of you have bought up some familiarity with knowing me in the past, either by another name, or by corresponding with me, forgive me but I am terrible at remembering names unless I have placed a face and emotional meaning behind the name. If I do not happen to mention remembering you, I obviously do not, and it’s nothing personal, as it would remain quite different if I had met you in real time. While I may have enlightening discussions on here, they do not affect me the same way, therefore in return, it’s really a new start for me as every piece for me has lately come together, and I have grown as a person, through my previous experiences. In the last few years, I have grown emotionally and physically which surpass where I was the last time I was active on the site.

From my previous experiences when I would go upon meetings, I disliked those who would make assumptions based on me due to  the interests, therefore I chose to leave  many free, as the messages I am trying to get across is shown within my own words and photos. As the profile indicates, there shall be no playing on the first date, as I would prefer to get to know you over a cup of coffee, if I feel that I like your company, we can have a second date or happen to increase the time we are spending together. If we happen to enjoy one another’s company, I would suggest on the next few dates as they progress naturally, we should interview one another to ensure we are compatible. I use the words interview, not to be demanding however before I consider making a choice to give myself to you, I need to know if your worthy in my eyes. In the past, I’ve had men who were very demanding too quickly, whom I would end up walking away from as I’d feel disrespected by their move to show me how little they care for me as a person. You want to show you are interested in what I have to offer? Simply get to know me, I may have a giving heart, but I am not going to hand myself over to the first Larry, Joe, and Moe that evidently shows interest in me. I’ve been comfortable being single, without someone for 7+ years; I can wait to find the right person for myself, as I have enough confidence in my abilities to give that much of myself to someone.

How can we reach the point of meeting? Some may be complaining that I take a long time in moving forward, honestly I do not think that is quite true, if I notice that we get along and are looking for the same dynamics in a relationship, I am willing to move to the messenger of choice, and if we get along there, we may speak on the phone pretty soon. I do allow my instincts to direct me, from there we can choose when to meet, I believe in using safety procedures such as a safe call upon meeting, anyone who disagrees with that I would question meeting, as it’s a sense of protection for me with the predators that may exist out there in the daily world. With that said, I am generally easygoing and kind natured, I generally am not the type to make these demands but I believe negotiations are important for my safety, as I will not allow myself to be placed within a dangerous circumstance.

Just some of my personal thoughts

My profile happens to mention that I am an avid reader, in this journal entry I am going to be discussing a book that I recently been reading as I’ve been reviewing through the chapters, in hopes that it will assist me in early negotiations. The  title of the book is ‘How to be a healthy and happy submissive’,by ‘Kate Kinsey’, I appreciate that the author took the time to write the book, as it felt more personal as quite through of the men write the books for females like myself, that have been published recently. A chapter that caught my eyes was called, ‘Protect your heart’, it describes how in the early stages of a relationship, most female ‘’ could relate if your anything like myself who tends to love so fiercely, wanting to experience all that the man could give in this dynamic such as his ability to lead, harness the surrender given to him, and become the lover to lean upon. I’ve learned from my previous relationships, to hold back my heart and the amount of emotions that are within myself to give, as I tend to be fiercely loyal to my friends and family, with partners it goes beyond that. Therefore when the trust I’ve placed in someone is damaged, I feel as if the partner I am with is sending me a message, saying ‘I do not care for what you have to give, no do I treasure it’, my trust can’t be rebuild, while I may easily  forgive as I have a compassionate heart, I do not forgive. I am not the type to hold grudges, but looking at those circumstances, I try to remain smart, ‘if this person has these types of morals, is this someone I really want within my life?’.  Often no, unless their actions prove their words, I learned from too many words, I need a man whom can stay away behind their words, rather than using them to manipulate my emotions, I do not deserve that type of emotional suffering, as I am a good woman, with lots of love, devotion, passion, and courage to give.

If I am a little slow with my messages and contacts, at this point, I am slightly down emotionally, which I am trying to look at life through a full glass. In my vanilla life, I have two close friends who for the last few years have given me joy, stability, while I have been single therefore I could enjoy the time with my friends, I do my best to be a good friend and support them. The second friend is far more down to earth, she is marrying this summer, which she told me that her fiancé and her may move wherever he was placed through his job, while I was slightly sad by this news, I realized it may be normal for them as they want to start a new life together. My flighty best friend, called me last night telling me her addict boyfriend told her he is staying where he is located where he is,  basically giving her a choice, she basically told me the location, I took her words more to heart as I recognize that she goes by emotion more so myself. Therefore I asked her for the logical answers, such as ‘ what happens if you and him do not work out, will you be stuck without family and friends,’, she kept giving me answers which do not sound that well thought out. While I would consider relocating, I could not based on a whim, impulsively when I do not know for a fact the finances would be taken care of, the circumstances if we did not work out. I told her my concerns, I believe I took her more personally due to my connection. I do not think she sees the full picture, she will not for a long time, until she gets another idea or experiences this. Maybe the guy will get better, but without the relationship being good, I would not be able to trust myself with this man, and I feel for her. I also came to the conclusion, that I will not be speaking to her for a few weeks, possibly months until the circumstances are over as I do not want  to drag myself down with her.

In recognizing that two of my closest friends are moving, I had realized it’s a perfect time to make other friendships, starting attending some events, and it’s easier to apply myself to, as I presently have a new job within Center City, Philadelphia and should focus on gathering a life outside of those two as happy as I am for them that they have people to be with. I do live close to my family, through the Jewish Community affiliations, I do have other friendships who are closer to affiliations therefore I happen to keep busy but I recognize outside of those connections, I need to focus on this side of myself which has been ignored for far too long as I possibly may have not thought about myself enough and how to best put myself to use. Its funny, now reading back to what I have written about myself, I have realized to a point I am cautious as I want to make sure to find the best circumstances for myself, once I realize I am safe, my spirited and passionate side may be released more as during the early process it’s my shy side which remains. I also realize being that careful, I’ve also haven’t been paying as much attention to myself outside of family obligations, and the loyalty I happen to put into my loved ones, it took hearing from those friends which have changed my perspective. Like my profile mentions, I am a contradiction a paradox, I may be strong-minded in my vanilla life, confident enough to make choices, but I am also quite self-effacing and altruistic.