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I do not really feel like me. I am not sure what me feels like right now. I do not feel completely in control of my surroundings. I can see the foolishness of my dreams and aspirations. Therefore those are nonexistent. I seem to work all of the time. I am completely bored with life and am in a complete funk. Argh!!! Life has to be more meaningful and exciting than this!!! |
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The negativity is like a pace machine. You can use it to slow things down and stop progress. You can proceed onward or come to a complete stop. It is difficult, because around you things are moving. But, there are ways of slowing down your senses as well as your spiritual development. You can always press play by allowing yourself the needed changes. Sometimes butterflies, and in my case moths, come out of the linen cabinet to present themselves to you to remind you that the universe would rather move forward. It is ok to allow part of you to change. It is ok to destroy the ego and see the real you. Don't hold on to the pain and be afraid of fear. It is the inevitable fate that things will be in motion. No matter how much pain one can withould in order to stop progress, you will be moving again. Yourself will emerge and you will demand of yourself vision of yourself. Just let yourself be. Let go of the brakes. |
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So much has happened in a few months. It seems like years. I do not know how to begin. So, I won't. I feel like I am in direct contact with my soulmate. I have thoughts that feel as though it is her.
And, I can experience her. I can experience her having sex with another man. I want her to be happy. I do not want to control her life. My head is fighting with my spirit. I no longer know how to think; how I should feel; how I should react; what I should do.
In part, a piece of me is having sex with someone else. Should I feel sorry for this self that is sitting home alone. Should I feel happy for that other self that is having fun. Should I feel unballanced because this self, which I can hardly feel any more is alone while the other half has had a lot of fun? Should I be mad at myself for being shy and unworthy of love? Should I try to fix all of my many insecurities I have? Am I worth all of this trouble? I don't know any more. I kind of feel numb. I don't even know how it really feels to be me any more. I can enjoy a warm shower. Eating somthing sweet. I can focus on that and be happy for the short term.
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Lately, I almost feel as though we do not have as much control as we would like. There is almost a combination of free will and a directed path. Veer off of the path and it can get rocky. Painful. I don't like the idea of a path in front of me, Guides, Soulmates, and the like. And yet, when things really get bad, you wonder why there isn't a limit. Interesting how intervention works. And through it all, it may have been you who has chosen the path in the first place. And, the problem comes in when you realize that you chose this life and you are suppose to be enjoying it. Something is really messed up with all of that. Maybe all of it is complete bull. Shrugs. |
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Syncronicities are my key towards making the next step. They seem to happen all the time now. They happen sometimes to let me know and be aware that they are happening and that I would be aware that they are happening. The message may have multiple purposes. You have to feel what the purpose of the message is at that particular point in time. For example, yest. I was learning about cooking. I was trying to make miso soup in Japan. However, I forgot all of the ingredients. Then, first thing in the morning, my friend makes this comment about this guy whose absence for a few days were as a result of him learning how to cook, which for him is a ridiculous but funny suggestion. Then a millisecond later I had this urge to look over to see this picture of miso soup on the top of my English flash cards. Do I feel that it was divine intervention that wanted me to learn how to make miso soup? No, I did not feel that way. However, I felt that something was saying to me that I need to be patient; I am being guided though a series of progressive steps getting me ready for the next series of events. That feeling led me to an understanding of the discussion of my talk with Stacy last night. How even though you can not fully understand the puzzle on your first glance how tiny events early on prepares you for some of the challanges and opportunities in your future now.
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This last week, I have developed in the sense that money should not be the driving point of a persons decisions. Money is something that just flows easily when it is not desired. The term: easy come easy go, applies in this case. However, it flows more like this: easy go, easy come, easy go, easy come. The cycle repeats. The truth of the matter is that Money is a ficticious concept and energy should not be spent in concentration of it.
A friend of mine reinforced this concept even though it is applied to all concepts not just money: it's a matter of trusting that it will happen just like it needs to and trusting yourself to know what you need to do to get there. |
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When observing myself, I almost feel as though I knew what my day consisted of and in order to change it, it would take a considerable amount of engergy. Today, I felt a little low in energy. Even though my brain had it's agenda my body was in revolt. I feel as though I have little control of myself. Almost as though things were predetermined from the start of the morning. It takes an extra amount of energy to go against a predetermined routine.
"Life is choices."
Sometimes, I feel as though I do not want to play. |
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I learned a new lesson this week. In order for the Universe to arrange itself and give you what you desire, you have to first undo the blocks that prevent the possibilities from emerging. The easiest way to do this is to destroy your routine. Do different things that will get your spirit ready to receive something new. Refreshing your spirit for something new will put you on a higher frequency to receive. You have to prove to yourself that you are ready for it; and when you do, it will emerge. Be grateful for having it in advance and do not second guess your wish. Just be grateful for having the experience of having what you had wished for. Do not judge in advance what you will receive. All of this will put block in your place and prevent what you wanted and wished for from happening. Do not second guess that you will receive it. Do not judge in advance if it is good for you. Do not judge in advance if a better choice will come to you. Do not question if it will happen. Do not tell the universe how it will come about. Know it has already happened and know that in any moment it will manifest in physical form. Be grateful that it has happened. Be joyful of the experiences it will bring. In order for all of this to come to you in speed and haste, you have to feel good about your decision to make it happen. Do not be stuck on consequences. When making wishes, we make mistakes but we are able to grow from it. Do not prejudge your wishes; instead, feel good about it!!! Feel how it feels like to receive it. Feel it into existence.
I am not sure I completely agree with what I wrote in the past. I am not sure one can wish things into existence. As though one spirit can manifest something against other's desires, against something the spirit wishes but the mind disagrees with, against your guides, against your agreed upon plan. I almost feel that we are given power to make it happen but it can manifest itself faster if we work in the area that our spirit guides us to. To work in an area that feels light and right. Then, things seems to work in alignment will all of the above and things have a tendency to happen. I am fighting with myself. I hope I win.
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In December, I decided to move to Japan. I received a letter of acceptance on Dec. 25th. I will be working in my new job as an English instructor and will be working as late as March 27th. I will probably be in Japan on March 11th. Unfortunately I will not know which city it will be in until late Feb.
I believe that Korea was an acceptable experience. I was in the right place at the right time. I learned what I needed to learn and made the right contacts. I spread information that was necessary for a few spirits personal development as giving myself the chance to develop my own.
I look forward to the new adventures ahead. I have good vibes about Japan. However, I am not sure if it will be the last place I will end up. It feels good for the present time. However, I do not feel it with complete certainty.
I feel as though things are temporairily on hold. I am not sure if the Universe had planned on me being at this present moment at this present time. The Universe is looking back at me with a bewildered look, asking what should I do with him next? Or, maybe I was in control of my own destiny the whole time. Maybe, I have been giving too much control to nothingness. |
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"Like attracts like."
I have noticed lately that the things we do not like in others, we frequently do not like in ourselves.
If we are engergetic, eager, positive, kind, loving, ect..., we will be attracting the same to us.
This week, I have noticed that fear is a temporary blockage from attracting the "like". When I was fearful, the syncronicities had slowed down and I was not receiving messages or intuitive thoughts.
Great teachers have stressed the importance of FAITH. Faith that everything is fine and will work out in the end allows energy to work through you.
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I would like to write a message I would be pleased to hear a reply from the D/s community. These thoughts came to me as I was reading a submissives profile and did notice some strong similarities.
It is just my opinion, but I think most submissives do have a strong personality. So strong and Dominant that the submissive desires and needs submissiveness for ballance. The Dominant goes over the edge and rotates into a submissive. And sometimes the role between submissive and Dominant can be so interwoven that it is sometimes difficult to know the true Dom. I am not speaking from experience, just ideas that come into my head. As the submissive tries to please the Dom and the Dom tries to please the submissive, the twist of the outcome is a yin/yang being spun out of control. Not knowing who is serving who in a complex dynamic relationship. |
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This is a poem that I had read. It is a little crazy but is a D/s poem that I liked: "Sometimes one is tempted to walk with the fog. A mix of soft energy merges with parts of the O/one, and yet it is a distraction from the One. When one becomes split from the O/one, flightiness, and longing results from what once had become... A rememberance and attachment so strong, memories of a moment shared, cut through the neck and never reunited; remaining unattached, body, soul, memories of being O/one. Souls departed, One separated and merged, one spinning out of control... Spinning into the fog and feeling pieces of the sun, the warmth of the parts of the Separate and never to be fully reunited One." |
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I came to this last week with the idea that I should have gentleness in my heart. I wanted to show it in everything that I did. Fortunately, I had shown it with my actions, but I can not honestly say that I continuously felt it in my heart. When I was sleep deprived and low in energy, I became incredibly selfish and flighty. Even though I did not show it in my actions, I felt it as well as though those thoughts. Taking care of Oneself should be the first step in Serving the W/whole. |
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The synchronicities of this week have led me toward forgiving myself and others of past mistakes. Hate is blockage and it takes up a lot of energy. Life is too short to be pissed off all of the time. These ideas has reinforced my earlier thoughts of me not being attached to preexisting thoughts about myself as well as material possessions.
*Get rid of old things that represent you.
*Clean out the closit.
*Look for new experiences.
*Forgive the debts of others.
*Acknowledge the life purpose of the ones you may still be angry with.
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"I see sensuality as fluid, people as multiplicitous. If that love is in the act of D/s it is celestial."
What a great quote from a wise submissive.
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I can not stop thinking about D/s. It is starting to take over my daily life. When I talk to clients, I think to myself, I bet she is a Domme. She is very dominant.
Most of the time I am able to ignore D/s and push it aside. Lately, I have been thinking about it more often and can not separate it from my daily life. Argh... |
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Argh, I am not sure if I want to relocate to Nevada. I am finishing up my masters degree and am considering either moving or receiving another degree. Texas is looking kind of nice. I am sooooo confused. If I was to move, I am considering moving to Southern Texas. Has anyone live/d in Southern Texas? Please let me know about this region of the state. |
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Today i changed my profile to show that my current location is living in Vegas. i am finishing my Masters in New Mexico and will be moving to Vegas after i have completed the program. i am excited about the new move and transition. In New Mexico, i found it difficult to find people who are my own age that are in this lifestyle. Hopefully Vegas is the answer. |
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I have noticed that I have really been interested in Dommes that are very spiritual in nature. I do not mean religious as in a follower but deeply connected. Intelligence and wisdom is also a major turn on. Something that I feel I always need is new insights and growth. It is so energizing to learn something new and to grow personally.
As far as being a good sub this week, I feel that my horns have protruded a little too much. I have discovered that I am very playful in nature and sometimes I can tease a little bit too much. I come from a large family and realize that our teasing is a show of love and affection and not disrespect. Every family has its own culture and I come from a playful background. If I tease a little too much, please remind me to behave. J So please give me a reminder if I get carried away.
I also seem to be thinking about this lifestyle more and more. I go from being very submissive to being vanilla. I am not 24/7 sub yet. I guess it is hard to be a sub because I have to make many transitions during the day. I have to be a Dom at work and the transition to being a sub at home takes a little adjustment. However, it does feel good to be a sub. However, having to switch back and forth sometimes does not feel very good. So as a result, I seem to go vanilla from time to time to maintain my balance. However, if I had a strong Mistress I am sure I would make the transition easier. |
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| Age: 24 |
| Chicago,
Illinois |
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