hopefullsu		hopefuliam		hopefloats

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wide eyed and hopeful. wide eyed and hopefully wild. i am 25 years old and i'm 5 feet, no inches tall. i'm fairly intelligent, surprisingly witty and actually quite shy, but you probably wouldn't know that unless i told you. i get distracted pretty easily but i can usually hold up my end of a conversation, and keep up with yours (assuming it's interesting). i've been out of work for a while and recently moved back in with my parents, so i spend the majority of my time looking for a job or trolling the internet. it can often take a lot to spark my interest in something, so try not to take it too personally if i seem completely uninterested in you (even though that's probably true). i sometimes get annoyed and can be kind of rude when i feel choked by retardation. it happens, and for that i am sorry (only really i'm not). i'm otherwise fairly easy going and comfortably laid back. PLEASE DO NOT ask me what things i've tried or haven't tried or what things i'm into, because the way i see it, it's not really what i'm into, it's more who i'm into. and also on that note, don't ask who i'm into or 'what are you looking for?' because i'm not really looking for anything, i'm just looking. a bunch of people have asked if i'm wearing a NIN tshirt in my third picture and i might told them it was a MUSE tshirt.... but to be honest i have both shirts and i can't tell which one it is

5/28/2009 12:16:35 PM little girl lost the others point and laugh "toughen up", you tell her "it's really not that bad" little black dress all she'll have to keep she's as fragile as she looks the glass of shattered dreams she cannot find her footing and she does not yet know it's cost she's five again and crying little girl lost

4/18/2009 7:13:53 PM black then white are all i see in my infancy red and yellow then came to be reaching out to me lets me see there is so much more and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities as below so above and beyond i imagine drawn outside the lines of reason push the envelope watch it bend over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind and i must feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line reaching out to embrace the random reaching out to embrace whatever may come i embrace my desire  to feel the rhythm   to feel connected    enough to step aside and   weep like a widow  to feel inspired to fathom the power  to witness the beauty   to bathe in the fountain    to swing on the spiral of   our divinity and  still be a human with my feet upon the ground i lose myself between the sounds and open wide to suck it in i feel it move across my skin i'm reaching up and reaching out i'm reaching for the random or whatever will bewilder me whatever will bewilder me and following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been we'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been spiral out keep going -Lateralus, Tool

2/2/2009 4:53:01 AM i want it to be quiet i want my mind to quit answering me back i want the ghost in the machine to stop dictating my inevitable failure at everything i want to eat sushi at least three times a week i want to travel the world i want to be really good at my job i want to feel proud in my own skin, not just comfortable i want to get a new tattoo i want to be wanted i want to get a masters degree i want to reconnect with my little sister i want to visit outer space before i die i want relief from the incessant need to second guess myself i want to do volunteer work in a country that requires vaccinations and immunizations before visiting i want to actually feel sexy when others tell me that i am i want to go on a ski trip before the season ends i want to be taken seriously i want a bra that fits i want my grandmother to stick around another 80 years i want people to see me for me, not for what they want me to be i want to find a place where i really feel like i belong i want to live in a world where the idea of god was never conceived i want to be more unique, and less abnormal i want wings to be able to fly oh, and i wish i was a little bit taller   :) cheers!

12/29/2008 3:38:26 PM there are these moments, these moments in time in the stillness somewhere between night and dawn, before the sun has begun to kiss the horizon when my thoughts will start to wander back to the locked closets and throw-away suitcases of my memories and it is in these moments, these moments in time that time just stops and i can see that every overwhelming eternity is merely a constant stream of frantic moments on a timescale without beginning or end and i begin to understand, and i think and i fight and i scream and i surrender and it is in these moments, these moments in time that i am angry, because i know that the chaos which pollutes the sky like diseased things is from the belly of the people, for it is we who breathe the fire the manipulates the dance of the universe and it's in these moments, these moments in time that i start to see the shadows behind the sun and through the moon and i remember the tender moments of my own emotions, hidden behind the cloak of my own hypocrisies and it is in these moments, these moments in time that i hold onto hope after all of my dreams have been manipulated to lie like a storm my dreams of what could have been or what would have been or what should have been and it is in these moments, these moments in time that i think of all the quiet promises we whispered my wish to go back and save them from the sounds of never and it is then that i dwell solemnly on the haunting thought of how utterly fragile yet tremendously fascinating is the power of the silence left hanging between heaven and morning suspended as though caught in the very sunbeam that shown on the first day of life and it's in these moments, these moments of time when no one else is yet awake, i find peace in the stillness

12/29/2008 1:52:30 PM what does it mean to be a human? what importance is there in being blobs of insignificant combinations of carbon, oxygen and hydrogen? the truth is, it doesn't mean an damn thing. our lives consist of an endless cycle, beginning with the agonizing experience of entering this world of inevitable suffering. and then to continue on to endure the monotony of existence, to be an infinitesimal speck in something so unfathomable that we might as well not exist at all. it is only those that we deem insane outcasts who recognize that in death, non of it made any damn difference at all. but we, the clever ones, find ways to deceive ourselves into thinking that we're something of importance, something noteworthy and distinctive. we keep ourselves in the dark with such tricks as the mind game we play called happiness. we lie to ourselves about our own undeniable mortality. we spin our pirouettes of delusion in believing that we are part of something bigger. we think ourselves to be special, when in reality we are no different from the elements that make up the stars in the sky. we live in a world of constant destruction, destruction that is caused by our own existence, while we try to fool ourselves using the guise of being good natured, morally driven protectors of our own livelihood. while we've managed to con ourselves into thinking that humanity will save us all, it is painfully obvious that it is humanity itself that will be our downfall. but to refuse to surrender to the drug of our own lies that keeps thinking minds permanently comatose... to find solace in the truth that there is no meaning to our pathetic existence... to embrace your first cigarette of the morning as a long lost friend... to no longer be controlled by our assumptions that we are more than physical beings in a physical world... to be unafraid of death and destruction... to have the desire and the willpower to permit ourselves to let go and experience the mind fuck that challenges everything that it means to be alive...  to realize that true beauty and peace will only be achievable with the extinction of our own race... and to embrace the truth that the only purpose of life is to eventually die.... ...that is what freedom is.