HisBrokenOne

This journal entry was not appropriate, therefore it has been removed.

What an amazing journey this has been. I did not know it was possible to love so much, or to laugh and cry and shake and stretch and be so full and so empty. The world is a different place since I met Master and His Lady.

The move was difficult. Not because I had little faith in them but because I had so little faith in me. We postponed it twice. The third time when I asked for more time, we talked for a long time, the three of us, and then He told me I needed rest. At seven in the morning, they were there with three others to move me. I was overjoyed, because I knew instantly that once again He knew me better than I did, and that it was the right thing to do. My little apartment was empty by four that afternoon.

I wish I could say it has been all roses, but it hasn't. I cry a lot, and any more I can't even tell which are the happy tears and which are frustration, anger, pain, whatever. He says they are all the same; a release of suffering. Sometimes I am held and petted while I cry, other times it's just a pat and they move past me. I've learned not to think of tears as bad, and to tell the truth I cry much less now.

I don't always sleep with them. I present myself on "my" side of the bed every night, and I am often permitted in, but I am sometimes chained to my bed and sometimes sleep on a mat next to His bed. There have been times when the lady slept on the mat and I in His bed, but she is always in His room at night. I love that. It is so symbolic of our respective roles in this life we have built.

Much of our communication is still online. I journal, it seems, pages a day. At meals, He often chooses something from one of our journals to talk about. One of those conversations was about the things that the lady has difficulty with in the new life. I was astounded to find out that having Him be in charge of which of my wants are met is very difficult for her because she wants to see me happy alllll of the time, and thinks she knows JUST how to make it so. But we defer to Him in all things.

He made a mistake when I first moved in with them. He saw it and changed course right away, and that made me so much more confident in His leadership, and I tease Him about doing it on purpose as a demonstration. What He did was require that whenever I was distressed I tell Him immediately. But I do better with time to process for a little while before I speak! What was happening was that He was getting the emotional tidal wave and no content. Within an hour I can still hold the emotions but also be able to make articulate sounds which is MUCH better for communication. So now I am required to bring stuff to Him as soon as I can but with a telling of how it all felt when I first registered it as well. That works MUCH better.

I am awake often at night. We start a new rule tonight that if I leave the bed to deal with my thoughts, I return to my own bed, unchained. He wants me to do more of my processing next to them, but is not requiring it of me. So for incentive, I sleep alone for the rest of the night if I leave the bed to process. I think I will be online less now.

Sorry. I posted a photo, but I was told to take it down because I need to use more discretion. Apparently, just because I think this is wonderful, I could suffer professionally for it because not everyone understands. We will take another of me that does not reveal my identity. Of course he is right. Sometimes I just don't think.

Surprise! We are going Christmas shopping this afternoon after work! And I am to have a "voice restriction", I am to say nothing that a well behaved six year old wouldn't. How fun is that?

Well, I woke up this morning and have felt like crying ever since. Hard to imagine this is the sub drop that everyone talks about, since we didn't really play. He has said he will call me this evening. He liked my journal entry, found it "sincere, positive and heart warming". Good Lord what does THAT mean? So I wrote her, and she says, "Yesterday was wonderful. Now try to be patient and trust him to do his magic." And then she said, "Really, you have no choice. This is the only way he will do this."
That reminds me of a horse I once rode, a beautiful gray named Einstein that at 15.2 hands was very small for a jumper. He would jump over any fence that you pointed him at, just don't mess with him. Try to steer him or rate his speed he'd lose it and plow through the fence. I think if I had showed him the moon and left him alone that he would have jumped that. But it took me a long time to trust him, to learn that he really did know better than me how to get around the course. And he was all business, he never messed with my heart as the man is threatening to do.
< sigh >
I need to get back to work. Oh, hurry sundown!