hellsbells1980

is wondering if this person is just what the doctor ordered.

just happy being me :)

I spent a fantastic week up in Aberdeenshire learning western horse riding. The whole experience was incredibly moving. Learning to trust again, building a bond through touch, smell, grooming, such basic things yet so empowering and rewarding. I can't wait to go again.

And in my nonilla life, well, still waiting for the 'one' to claim me. Fed up with pretenders who just want me to jump through infinite hoops they truly deserve knobrot and a life of enforced celibacy!

disappointed, tired of being asked to demonstrate my willingness to serve on cam. if you mean what you say come and get me.

dont offer me the world if you can't come up with the goods. I want so hard to believe, to love and be loved. so dont lead me up the garden path unless you want to carry me over the threshold. I can't take it false promises anymore.

will it ever happen?

If you were an Ipad, what apps would you have? I have just had a wee think and I would have:

naughty app, sulky app, silly idea app, mischevious app, creative app, spring clean app, cheesey dancing app, worship app.

Why why why do men think I would like to see a random picture of their boy bits? Really it doesn't give an indication of how great they are at using their bits or how well they can control me. Don't get me wrong I love a nice throbbing willy but do I want to be put off my cup of tea when I open up a message NO!!

On the bright side though, seen some lovely dresses in town, all very housewifey vintage style, totally yummy scrumptious that would make house cleaning extra special espescially if there were matching shoes, stockings etc. *sigh*...

Today I am obsessed with having my mouth full of cock. I woke up from a lovely dream where I was sucking away on a juicy cock and now its all I can think about.

That is all for now.

Life is full of bullshitters, if only there was such a thing as a bullshit detector.

Since joining here I have had the honour of making some good online friends who I am enjoying to and the unfortunate luck of making online acquaintance with people who are all mouth and no action.

The internet gives people the opportunity to be whoever they want to be and I wonder if people who then exagerate who they are then have to run away from meeting someone who could potentially make them very happy. Its very sad that people are unable to accept themselves for who they are and have to pretend to be something they are not and thus lead people up a garden path before dropping them like hot coals or risk being exposed for something they are not.

There is a small part in all of us which wants to be soemthing we are not, me I long to have slim long legs instead of the short tree stumps I inherited but would I lie about the tree stumps? No, they make me who I am and one day someone will perhaps like me for my treestumps.

Pretending to be something you are not only hurts one person in the long run. Surely that is what brings us here...

Well things are slowly but surely getting better for me. I have been trying to learn about the BDSM lifestyle as a conversation with a potential eyecandy/Master had highlighted that I am almost a complete innocent!!! Being an ex-squaddie I was almost mortified as I thought there was nothing that could shock me and I had just about seen most things. I WAS WRONG...don't worry I shall punish myself later.

So today I was watching this online film of a group BDSM session (I apologise if I get any terminology wrong I am a mere learner and a sub of very little common sense) and there was this girl tied up suspended by her arms and one legs so she was stood on one leg, how she did not fall over is beyond me. As much as the scene looked lovely and the ropes around her tightly attractive I imagine that if that was me I would somehow fall over arse over tit and break soemthing I am that clumsy. Is there room or any sway for clumsiness in this lifestyle? The other thing that I wondered whilst I was watching this film was whether any health and safety checks had ben carried out prior to filming ( yes a very strange thought to go through ones mind at such an arousing time but once there it would not budge) knowing my luck a bolt would come loose and everything would come falling down around me. Perhaps there is a possible new film venture....Comedy BDSM? What did I like most about this film, sounds strange but the gross swallowing gagging sucking noises made by the sub when her face was being fucked! In the past when I have been providing such a service I have always found the noises to be most unladylike and unfeminine and quite ashamed that I have made such a noise (bit like when you emit a fanny fart) but hearing it in the film really turned me on. Perhaps I am just downright weird.

Day 6

Well I have had a few texts from him and a couple of messages on MSN and yes I am ignoring him. I am not a toy that can be picked up and dropped as the whim takes.

I have had such a lovely response from other members on here. Its been fantastic. Thank you for all your kind messages and I am sorry if I have not replied but I hope you understand that my inbox has been overflowing.

So I have been browsing looking at eye candy afterall a Master has to be easy on the eye . I had a MSN chat with one Master last night and enjoyed it I think he did too. I learnt a few things from him, some of which were a real eyeopener and made feel like an innocent!! Hopefully we might chat again.

What I wonder is should you play with a Master on MSN if you havent met? Is this a good thing? Afterall you may meet each other and not get on, its very easy to get along online. What do you readers advise? Should you have a couple of vanilla dates and see how you get on before you play?

Anyway, I think the main thing is as my Granny said (and she was very vanilla, I think) is keep my options open. Chat is easy.

But a good Master will move heaven and earth if he really wants me.And you know it feels nice to be wanted. Sometimes a girl needs to be woo'ed.

Day 4 part 2.

A text to say he is enjoying my journal really isnt cutting it and as a new friend on here has said if he were really that into you he would move heaven and earth.

I logged on to see he had replied to a couple of my emails on my behalf, telling one person that yes i was a doormat. Well I'm not and I resent it. I have been treated like aa doormat and made to feel worthless in vanilla relationships in the past and i am not going to let anyone do that again to willy nilly.

So I am going to keep my options open. Life is long you have to kiss alot of frogs before you find your prince but most importantly I deserve to be treated with respect and like the fucking cock sucking princess that i am because like it says in the adverts....

 "because I'm worth it"

Day 4

I find that now i just cannot be bothered. Master finally texted me late yesterday afternoon all innocent and very bemused at my obvious displeasure. He had been extrememly busy..flat out blah blah bloody blah.  All good and well but as I explained all it takes is a minute to text someone to say you are busy or sorry i didnt answer your phone call, its just good manners and consideration. No excuses. I dont appreciate being made to feel needy and ignored.

I felt so bratty that I told him I had broken some rules and refused to tell him which ones just saying that he would find out. Well he said it seemed that he would need to think of some punishments for me to which I replied, I dont think you are capable of punishing me enough.

I havent heard from him since.

Day 3

I am fuming. I could quite literally throw myself on the floor and have a tantrum but I'm not going to afterall its not playtime and I am an adult (supposedly). Yup my Master has not been in touch and I am unsure whether he is just very busy with his vanilla responsibilities or if he is ignoring me. The rebellious side of me wants to go and break the few rules he has set such as replying to messages on here and I am so tempted to send him a strongly worded text telling him where he can stick his whatever.

Oh well, this anger is making my cunt drip like the niagra falls, I have neglected toys in my bedside drawer and I am off to go sate myself and yes I bloody well will let myself cum Master!!!!!! SO THERE!!

Day 2

Master and I are at a stalemate. Perhaps it is a good thing I live so far from him because I am being quite belligerernt and I am sure that when he gets his hands on me I will be very sorry for my small act of rebellion. But, and I know you should never start a sentence with but, I really feel I must stand my ground. You see Master and I were supposed to meet for the first time yesterday somewhere neutral just for a chat but his vanilla commitments prevented this happening. I was deeply dejected at this as I had been looking forward to this all week. Masters vanilla life also prevents us meeting properly this weekend and that is ok as I understand that he has his responsibilities. However he asked me to go to him later tonight at his house and I have said no. Not that I dont want to but I feel that our first meeting needs to be somewhere neutral afterall despite his assurances he still could turn out to be a wrinkly old tramp YUK!!! Plus we must not forget...safety first. So yes I have deeply disappointed my Master already and said NO.

I know this is hard for him, he is extremely keen to examine me and me...well I'm a cock hungry slut and my cunt juices have been flowing all week in anticpation of being filled with his cock so it is hard for me too.

I hope he phones me soon.........

Day 1 part 2.

So I have taken the photos without injury, although left the immac on my lady bits a little too long - ouch! Master wanted a picture of something up my ass. I have never had anything up my ass, I have tried a finger in the past but to no avail. BUT I have persevered. My sense of humour saw me through, yes no way i was I going to go putting a toy straight in there so I had to think of something small and smooth. The other day Master and I had discussed me dressing up and cleaning his house for him, being ex military we had used toothbrushes at basic training to clean sinks and floors with so a toothbrush with lots of that greasy stuff it was and it just slipped in WOWZERS!! Just like magic. Although I am a little proud of myself for managing it I do wish it had been my Masters finger to break down that hatch :( Now my ass hole feels a little funny but its not sore :)

Now I have to try and upload these dam pictures. Does Master not realise I am a mere girly girl female and such technical things may be quite beyond my ability, I can't even put air in my car tires without deflating them first. Already I am getting the error message and going into fight or flight mode. Eek I am going to have to ask for his help....afterall he is a man of the world and surely knows how to stop the error message.

I wonder if Master realises what he has got himself in for?

DAY 1

So, I have created my profile just as my Master has commanded. When he first told me to create this profile I thought thats a piece of piss but then he said, and say on it that I may allow other people to use you and they are to ask me directly. Christ, I thought, what have I let myself in for?

I have yet to meet my Master although we are in regular contact. I am looking forward to it although I am nervous, what if we dont get on, what if i am not good enough, what if I do something embarassing (and yes I realise that I will do things for my Master that would make make many a person role over in their grave). All those thoughts going through my head. And I wonder what his thoughts are, I think he is looking forward to getting his hands on me, not in a dirty old man sort of way, but to see I guess what level I am at and start training me to his satisfaction.

I have this romantic notion, probably from too many chick flicks and Mills and Boon novels as a teenager that when we first 'go to bed' together he will undress me and as he does that I say "Master....make me yours" as i look up into his eyes and bite my lip gently shivering with nerves...

So now I have to take three pictures to put on here. My Master has detailed exactly what they have to contain. If anyone has ever tried taking pictures of themselves they will know how frustrating it can be. Only the other day I was trying to take one using my big toe to press the shutter button as i lay back trying to give a full frontal looking glamourous sexy and remembering to hold my stomach in when i fell off the bed. Great start!!!