OK so good news.... no cancer!  YAY me!!!  I'd almost say let the games begin BUT.... my heart just isn't into the "search" like it once was.  I am going to remain here on CM for a few more weeks.  If i don't have a mind boggling Domly One engage me in at least an intelligent conversation, i'm gonna skip out of this popsicle stand.  ** CHAT ON CM IS A JOKE so i decline every request.  If Y/you wish to chat with me, please drop me a line here and i will share my YM name **Enough is as good as a feast.

It's official.  Getting old sucks.  I'm currently doing the "I think you have cervical cancer" tour... with biopsy after biopsy after biopsy.  To be honest, that shit HURTS... and not in a good way.  I'm sick and tired of hurry up and wait.... i'm sick and tired of waiting for biopsy results only for them to be inconclusive and then we do another round.  I'm tired.  And before any of Y/you email me to tell me i'm whining... i KNOW.  The beauty of this journal is that it is mine... and i can write whatever i damn well please here.  The joy for the reader is that Y/you don't have to read it!  BooYah!!!  (thus endeth the rant)

So.... today is not my day.  Not even close.  I'm having what i call a Reverse Midas Touch day.  Everything i touch turns to SHIT.  So far, i have all but turned my new laptop into a frisbee... and then... the things that i have done to the printer are not even... well... printable.  I'm seriously thinking about taking a long hot bath, drinking a glass of wine and just going to bed.  I'm smart enough to recognize defeat... or i'm just saying in my own way.... "fuck it". 

...... ugh......

I noticed just today.. that a lot of people here on CM don't age.  Seriously.  There is a Dom whose profile i peek at on occasion.... He has been 49 for the last 3 years!!  Of course, i'm being a smart ass (GASP).  I'm honestly proud of my age.  I've learned a LOT in these 49 years...and realize that i'm not too old to learn more.  As for me... i'm keeping it real.

Sometimes i just don't understand.....

    why i don't have a turn at being happy...

      why things always look one way but really are another....

   how do i get there from here?  Or do i just stop the insanity?

i know the answers lie within me.... i'm just not sure how to find them anymore. 

Yet again...  i'm caught with my heart of my sleeve... all of this is making me so jaded..........

Well, the big day has finally arrived.  Today, i will assist my baby brother into moving our Dad into an assisted living facility.  I never in my lifetime thought that we would be doing this..... but for his safety, we are.  If that isn't enough... i'm going to have more surgery this afternoon.... much to my DISMAY.  When it rains, it pours.  I need to break away.

It is so hard to watch your elderly parent slowly but surely slip away.  I never knew alot about dementia or Alzheimer's.... but now i know more than i ever dreamt possible.  It started out slowly enough.. and now it seems to be snowballing... gaining momentum each and every day.  We have gone from i cannot find my car keys to looking for our little children ( who are actually 42 and 48).  Oh... and i forgot to mention the times we wake up and drive around looking for the spouse... who actually passed away 5 years ago from a horrible cancer.  And of course there are the many hiding places around the house for many objects, but with no rhyme or reason.  I mean, seriously... do other people keep their cordless phone in the dishwasher???  YES...I AM BITTER... I AM PISSED... I AM SO FCKN ANGRY!!!  Why my Daddy???  We have had so much on us in the last 5 years... isn't it someone else's turn???  S~N~D it to HELL!!!

If what does not kill us truly makes us stronger, i should be Hercules by now.  Stressful week ended with some surgery... recuperation over the long weekend... issues with my elderly father on Memorial Day.... back to work in the morning.  I'm truly not complaining... i'm quite fortunate.  I have a Sir who is interested in my thoughts and feelings.. and who gives me support and listens when i need to talk.  Though my stress level is high, i'm strong and hitting things head on.  Many thanks, You.

I'm weary.  IF this week of being on call for work does not soon end, i do not know what i am going to do.  Between the not sleeping, the abd pain, the heavy work load, and being on call, dealing with idiots.... i'ma bout ready for some R&R!!!  W  H  E  W   !!!!! 

"Smile"

i had honestly forgotten what it felt like to be appreciated... until now.  Looking back, i don't know that i ever truly knew what it felt like to be the priority and not the option.  With that said... i must share one additional thought.... DAMN this feels GOOD!!!!!

"Love Is Looking For You"

When one door closes... (ok.. slams shut at my insistence...) another one opens.  Finally... the doors are open.. the windows are open.. and i am enjoying the refreshing breath of air that has happened upon me.  Keywords:  Genuine, Real, Caring, Strong, Tender, AWESOME. 

Go slow, be calm, obey. Slow down... take time to smell the roses... To thine own self be true... Live so that when You are gone, it will have mattered... Never a borrower or a lender be... Always wear clean underwear (smirk:  panties are so over rated)... Respect your elders... Be careful what you wish for... Your eyes are gonna get stuck like that....Just who do you think you are talking to???...I don't care if everyone else is doing it - you're not everyone else... Dare to be different... Embrace what makes you, you... Go slow, be calm, obey.

Once again... i must learn to love the fool in me... the one who laughs too much, likes too much, wants too much.  i have to learn how to love those special things that make me... me.  i have to learn how to be secure in who i am, to embrace my good qualities... and not focus on the bad.  i have to learn that not every Dom makes empty promises, breaks his word, or doesn't give a damn.  I have to learn how to love me, each and every flaw.... so that i will be ready when One wishes to love me for those very same things. 

Guess what???  I have had a revelation.  I'm no longer willing to be made to feel like a nuisance.   I'm tired of being an afterthought... and of having to be a brat/bitch to get ANY attention.  So... with that said... i'm simply done.  No more allowing people to walk all over me.  No more letting people make me feel like i'm not worth their time.  If i'm not worth Your time...then You damn sure aren't worth mine.  Feel free to move along.....  I'm honestly good with that.   Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

"Somebody That I Used To Know"

You cannot set something free... if You never owned it.  You cannot own something... if You don't wish to take care of it.  You cannot take care of something/someone.... if You don't WANT to.  Nothing will grow or prosper without attention.  Enough is as good as a feast.

Just like that.... things fell directly into perspective for me.  I'm not a priority OR an option... i'm a PRN kinda thing... "as needed"..... so... armed with that knowledge... i can see clearly now.  And honestly, it's back to the old goose/gander mentality.  Works for me.

Now THAT'S what i'm talking about!!!!!! 

Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.......

Back to life, back to reality....  once again, i'm on ignore, which means it all comes down to priorities and options.  Priority.... or ... Option?? Twenty guesses as to which one i am... and the first 19 guesses don't count.  HOWEVER... things are going to be okay because i am strong.. and i can continue to look for WHAT/WHO i truly need . 

Sometimes i feel like a moth drawn to a flame.  No matter what.. my ass is gonna burn.  Unasked questions will be the absolute death of me.  I just want to know where i stand... and what the deal is.  I honestly don't think that is asking too much.  If i'm not the one.. set me free.... be my friend.  I just want to be happy. 

Ahhhhhhhhh........ 

Indifference.... very unsettling normally... but now entirely too familiar. 

Adele.... 21... her music speaks to me... and speaks for me....

Today was an awesome first day on my new job.  It felt so strange to actually be working with people who were GLAD to see me at work!  The atmosphere is so good... positive, upbeat, professional.... which is a very welcome change!  I will soon be out, making rounds and doing what i love most... hands on patient care.  It feels good to be back on the right end of the stethoscope!!

Having this past week off was probably one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.  I actually did whatever i wanted to do!  I napped, i cleaned, i created, i read a good book.... the list could just go on and on!  Since quitting the "job from hell", i am starting to unwind... and get back to my old self.  I don't feel as on edge, as bitchy, as stressed.  I'm thankful for a new opportunity... the new job that i start on Monday.  Hopefully getting back to doing the job that i actually love to do will get me back to where i need to be.  Hope springs eternal!

" i quit this bitch" is starting to sound better and better.   Spring cleaning in the dead of winter.... never know what/who might go.  Yay me!!

30 days... another 30 days... and no change.  I'm soooo tired of bullshit/broken promises.  I'm tired of doing everything to communicate, but hitting every roadblock possible.  I'm tired of following the directions when my adhering to them does not make a damn either way.  I'm tired of being taken for granted/ ignored. I'm sick of multiple versions of the truth.  I think the time has come to just stop.  I mean... will that make any difference?  i think not.  If i stop doing all the work... the end result is going to be the same.  All righty then.

30 days... of waiting and watching.  30 days... yet nothing has changed... not even the names were changed to protect the innocent.  Sad thing is... it really doesn't really make a damn either way.  Enuff said. 

Uncle.  I give.  You win.  Consider me defeated, whipped, pussed.  Just tell me what it is that i need to do.  I cannot stand the uncertainty, the weirdness, the awkwardness.  We can benefit One from the other.... so i am stopping the stubbornness... and i am yielding.  Please, just show me.... and then let me show You.  You won't be disappointed.

Although i realize that it's NOT all about me... i still have needs.  Very basic needs, such as the need to talk and interact with One.  I need some time to discuss the day...  discuss current events,talk about my feelings/work/family etc.  I need to feel that i am important to One and worthy of His attention.  I need to feel validated, and not neglected.  Hope springs eternal, thus endeth the rant.

Rumor has it that my biggest flaws are that i am not good to myself... i do not give myself enough credit for things that i do... and that i am my own worst enemy.    I can see a lot of truth in those words.  However... i realized today that i ENABLE some People to use me for their gain... with no regard to what i want or need.  This is something that i ALLOW... and i honestly don't know why i do that!  Do i want to belong so badly that negative attention is okay with me, just because it is attention?   I think there is definitely change in the air... i'm realizing that i have worth as me... not necessarily as part of a bad equation.  Whodathunkit?

I have come to the realization that it truly is not easy being me.   Enuff said.

There are many times that my feelings are truly hurt... but i keep my smile on... and i keep on doing what i am supposed to do.  I'm just not sure what to say or do anymore.... so maybe i shall try not saying anything....

Live and learn.  I'm done with bothering to be nice and polite to people who obviously could care less.  I'm back to live and let live.  Yay me.

OK, so the self evaluation is completed and i have reached a decision about myself.  I am an absolute idiot... because i just take shit, and take shit, and TAKE SHIT.  And i do not say that lightly... because i realize as a submissive... i'm not #1.... and i'm great with that.  I do not want to be #1.  However... i would like to once in a while.. at least make the list... somewhere... if even at the bottom of the list.  FML.

There comes a time in life.. when one has to take a couple of steps back... and just re-evaluate everything around them.  This is never easy.. but it is oh soooo necessary.  I'm in the process of rethinking everything... and hopefully after the smoke clears.... i will have a better understanding of myself.  I truly don't think that what i seek is unabtainable... but perhaps i need to modify my method to the madness.  Time will tell. 

Finally..... things are settling down.  Rather than give up on a situation, i'm glad that long ago i paid attention.. and learned some important things.  Now,communication is open... and progress is definitely being made.   i'm thankful for second chances... for learning to have some patience... for being allowed to speak and discuss situations.  I'm thankful for all the time that i get to spend with my One... no matter what W/we are doing.  Thanks, You....

Whew... what a helluva time it has been here in NC!  Saturday brought some horrible tornados... and lots of devastation, loss, even death.  As i got out to look around.. some of the things that i saw brought me to tears.  A dear friend of mine lost his entire house... except for the front brick steps.  That's right folks... nice house.. on an acre lot... one tornado later... brick steps.  He cannot find a single thing that belonged to him, anywhere in the neighborhood.  Just seeing him standing there.. in his front yard... with nothing... got me to thinking.  I have never been a very monetary person... i don't give a rats ass about keeping up with the Jones'.  I like what i like... and i am not an envious or covetous person.  The AHA moment came to me... it does not matter what kind of house you live in.   You may live in a fine mansion up on a hill with all the world's finest things... OR... perhaps you live down a dirt path, in a small little shack.  Maybe you have everything money can buy... or maybe you have to scrape and save to have anything.  My point is this:  it doesnt matter what you HAVE.   The things that you have... can be gone in the blink of an eye.  THEY ARE JUST THINGS.  What matters MOST is what kind of person you are... and how you treat others around you... in good times OR in bad times.  *stepping off lil subbie soapbox*

I have decided that there are really a lot of idiotic people here on CM.  For some reason.. each and every one of these lil freaks finds my profile.. and sends me the STUPIDEST messages.  So.... sweet lil subbie from Ohio.. i'm not a man.. nor am i a Master... i'm female.. submissive... not interested in those who need to be babysat or idiots.  Be Gone.  Film at 11.

Surgery went well... i'm recovering... hope to soon be back full steam ahead.  I have been frustrated with a lot of things.. but have done my best to maintain my composure.  All i have to say is this.... IT'S ALL ABOUT PRIORITIES AND OPTIONS.... and it will work itself out.... no matter what. 

Surgery scheduled for Monday... gonna get these kidney stones out one way or another!!  I hope to be out of commission for Monday... and then back to work, and on with living life!  Wish me luck!!!

I'm very happy that i have been able to enjoy a few pain free days.   I am NOT excited that the kidney stones have reared their ugly heads and started moving again.  I just have to hang on til Friday.. so we can get some surgery scheduled or something.  Enough is as good as a feast.

How do Y/you spell HELL???  What constitutes hell?  Hell for me is quite simply spelled like this:  KIDNEY STONES.  I'm not a pain slut... but my freaking kidneys think otherwise.  I am almost to my breaking point... and Lord knows what will happen then.  UGH.... please... stop this ride.... i wanna get off here... and just do something else... anything else!!!

OK.. so i cannot sleep.  I have a lot on my mind... poor lil feeble thing that it is sometimes.  Hopefully soon... sleep will come to me...if not.. i will be one more crabby bitch in the morning!  Off to bed i go again... to sleep, perchance to dream....

NEW MANTRA:  * Go slow... be calm.. obey the teachings of your Master*  * Walk tall, and carry a big stick* * If you don't start nothin, there wont be nothin*  * Listen more, talk less *Go slow, be calm, obey the teachings of your Master... repeat, repeat, repeat!!! 

~~ Never make S/someone a priority, when they make Y/you an option...~~

Just when i think i cannot possibly take any more... something comes around the corner and jerks the rug right out from under my feet.  My heart is heavy from the unexpected death of a friend... the expected death of a family member... and from not feeling all that well myself.  I know that this will pass... but dammit.. when??  I just need my safe haven... somewhere to escape and recharge.  I try not to ask for much... not to expect much... and when things don't work out.. i'm not usually disappointed.  But... damn.. i'd just like to have some good times in between the bullshit and heartache.  Is that too much to ask???

What a wild time i have had here lately!  I spent some time in the hospital, undergoing massive tests and so forth.  Very pleased with the results of those tests... happy to know that my heart is perfectly healthy (although still thorny).  Then... with the next breath... a death in the family... that has been tough... but we are finally all getting that behind us.. and getting ready to move forward.  Things have been insanely busy.. and i just have not had the time i want with my Special Sir.  Hopefully soon... things will settle down, and He and i will be able to spend a little time catching up and just relaxing.  It is true... what does not kill us... makes us stronger.

The Three G's:  Granola, Grilled(chicken OR cheese), Gout...

My, my, my... we have issues.  I'm sorry about the tires for the Granola... i cannot believe that i did all that work.. and then delivered them to the wrong house.  Neither of us slept a wink... and that is so not good.  I know how grumpy You are when You don't get Your sleep!!  I am sure there is harsh punishment headed my way... especially since the grilled chicken and grilled cheese sammiches were left in the same place.  I have been wondering... could all that grilled chicken be causing gout?  I mean.. with all due respect, Sir... You should be clucking and scratching around on the ground.  It's worth researching... and of course i did... and of course it doesn't... but.. it made You think... and then it made You laugh... and all is right in the world!  I so enjoy writing here... giggling.... soon... very soon...

Once again... it's time to dip into subbie g's mailbag, and just have a good laugh.  It's so funny..... how total strangers seem to think that because they can read my journal, that they know me.. and feel so inclined to tell me how to live my life.  It's like the freak magnet has been turned on.. and that mofo is stuck on high.  I am going to clearly answer the most annoying questions here, in my journal.  Here goes (nothing): 

 *  No, i am not owned nor am i collared.  I am seeing Someone, who is absolutely AWESOME.  The arrangement between U/us.. is just that.. between U/us. 

*  No, He will NOT give me permission to talk to you on the phone... to send naughty pics..... to meet... etc.  And... if He did... it still wouldn't happen.... i am currently happy with how things are and therefore NOT INTERESTED (so not my style).

*  No, I still do not have any interest in Medical Play.. as in my getting a Blood Pressure cuff and you telling me wicked things to do with it.  Not happening, Capn. 

*  No, i don't have permission to be a smart ass.  I do have permission to be myself.. to be who i am... so.. therefore.. by default... we have smart ass!!  I love it when the plan works!!

*  No, i'm not a brat.  Really... i'm not.  There is not a more loyal and diligent wench than me.  With that said.. i'm not just Anybody's wench.  I am headstrong, intelligent, blunt.  I get into trouble with that, all the time... because i tend to let my mouth write checks my ass cannot possibly cash.  HE knows this... and again... not an issue for a total stranger to be worried about. 

I think that pretty  much sums up the questions i have any intention of answering.  Please remember... don't hate.. appreciate...  g

Sometimes, i just don't know why i bother to chew through the leather straps to endure the day......

I have had the opportunity this week to learn many things.  Some things astounding, some not so astounding.  Allow me to elaborate...

I cannot drive worth a damn.  I don't listen.  I'm outspoken.  I need to do more for my One.  I need to realize that nothing is about me.  Women are hated, because they are f***ed up.  I need to pay attention better, and follow directions.  I need to focus better.  The only saving grace is that i have a LOT of potential.  The irony of this blog is that all of that is very true.  I have to find the fine line between being me.. and being a good lil pet.  Honestly, that is somewhat difficult... because after years of hating me... now i REALLY like me.... imperfections and all.  However.... i am going to do my very best... which is ALL that i can offer to Anyone. 

I am currently enjoying a self imposed TIME OUT. Enough is TRULY as good as a feast. 

In order to preserve my own sanity... what little there is... i will NO LONGER be blogging here on this profile.  If Anyone needs to know something about me.... they will just have to point blank ask me... or not know.  Enough is as good as a feast. 

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries." - Theodore Isaac Rubin 

***** And i must learn to love the fool in me.. the one who loves too much, cares too much, wants too much.  I must learn to love the little girl in me who seeks approval, desires to please and to nurture.  I must learn how to love the parts of me that are not quite so loveable.  I must learn to love the bad, along with the good... for all of those things are what make me.... me. 

Yet again... it seems that i have to post instructions here on my profile.  If i say to You that i am currently talking with a Dom... and that i am not seeking... THAT IS THE DEAL.  I don't need shitty, snide comments... i'm being just as open and as honest as i know how to be.  I think maybe i shall just go back to not answering ANY messages here, unless i KNOW the Sender.... yep.. works for me!!

It's been a HELLUVA day.   Work was wild... and then i let myself get coerced into being on call tonight.  This week is insane, as i am cramming 5 full days of work into 3 long days.  Toss in a little difficulty in communicating, and i'm a lil stressed.  And i HATE it  when i get stressed... i tend to start to doubt myself.  I hate the fact that i am so insecure... and that i need more reassurrance than most.  I've just got to stop overthinking everything... and just let good things happen as they will.  I guess there is hope for me yet... just sometimes i'm my own worst enemy. 

Thanksgiving.... i am so thankful for so many things.  I have a wonderful (but busy) career... many friends.... a warm home to sleep in at night.... the love of my children.... good sense occasionally.  I am most thankful for new beginnings... and for new opportunities.  I am even thankful for granola.... and Geritol.... and station wagons... I'm anxious to see what the future holds.... life is good.

Work is actually starting to cooperate... that is damn scary to me!  We have been swamped, but finally have some relief in sight.  I'm ready to slow down a bit... to explore... to strengthen some relationships... perhaps find MY place.  Nothing is guaranteed... but failure just isn't an option.  I'm honestly at a really good place.... and am thankful for new opportunities. 

Life has been so frantic for the past month!  I've had a lot going on... and have pretty much been in a full blown tizzy! (Southern thing, most will not understand)  I have finally gotten my health issues (48 embedded kidney stones, suspicion of kidney cancer *negative*) under control.  Now.. if i could just get WORK to cooperate.. i might feel like socializing!!  I had the privelege to go to lunch with a dear new friend on Friday... and we had a very enjoyable time.  And yes, there is a but there.... there is a possibility of more than friends... but i'm not in the right frame of mind yet to really make that decision.  So... we shall continue as friends.. and see what happens.  We won't know, until we find out.  Profound, eh???  LOL

It's strange.. how there is always one person in our lives who has "that" hold over us.  The very One person that you hate to disappoint.. to say no to... to not have in your life.  I'm unfortunate... because that person in my life.. loves me dearly... but  I am just a part of the past in that situation.  It's sad.. but it dawned on me today... that has to stop... i deserve more than that... i deserve as much as i am willing to give.  So... for the next little bit.. i will most likely be quiet... introspective... but rest assured...the time for CHANGE is now. 

Please... if You feel the need to "wow" me with Your unending glory... please... don't.  I'm on a mission... and being worried by someone who is obviously "too good" for me.... is no where in the plan.  I'm just a regular gal... nothing extra... and i'm not interested in being saved by one who should be working on saving himself.  Next!!

Let's see... very nice emails will get a similar response.. when time permits.  Emails that read "pics pig" will get a less than favorable response plus the sender will be blocked.  How do you like me now, bl*ckd*mx*x (writers embellishment)???  I just so happen to have a zero bullshyt tolerance.  Imagine that... a subbie with a brain.. and some grit in her ass... amazing!  Honestly.. i've had sooo much crap from posers on this site.. i don't have anything to lose here.  Maybe there is One who will scratch beneath the surface to see what treasures are hidden... or maybe not.  I won't know, til i find out. ~thornz~