http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-me1HNi2fqw&list=FLXNq0xm2AdhgtBFIuN95ahQ&index=128&feature=plpp_video

 Master and slave, a Conversation
(anonymous)
  
Slave:
:::kneeling::: Oh Master!!!! You are the whole of my universe, the certainty of my existence. You are why my heart beats, my lungs fill, my toes curl. You shelter me like an offshore bank in the Reagan years. i grovel before you in awe of Your power, willing to satisfy You in every way...

Master:
:::peering over the paper::: Every way?

Slave:
:::pressing forehead to the floor and wiggling seductively::: Anything and everything is open to You oh Magnificent Maven of Mastery!! i beg, nay, beseech, nayer still, humbly crawl to kiss Your toes in the hopes You will use me...

Master:
The bank account?

Slave:
:::looking up from underneath her hair::: what?

Master:
Your bank account. You said everything was open to me, so I was thinking of that big account you have...

Slave:
:::coming up on all fours to stare::: Oh most wonderfulest of all Masters, surely you know that your ultimate control of me is so extensive that all I have is yours, but... BUT... You are so secure in the knowledge of my perfect and total enslavement that You would have no need to actually *have* an account number for this, Your most humble of servants.

Master:
No cash?

Slave:
:::dropping head back down to the floor::: As always, Master, Your understanding of my heart is perfection in and of itself. It is why i give You every atom of my being, even unto the subatomic level...

Master:
:::folding away the paper::: Then it's sex.

Slave:
:::raising and throwing her arms up in touchdown form::: YESYESYES.. Oh, Master of mine, You are truly the ultimate owner of my being!!!

Master:
oral sex.

Slave:
YESYESYESYES

Master:
You would like to give me oral sex.

Slave:
:::dropping arms to her sides to stare::: what?

Master:
Well, I thought that this time instead of me... you know... I might command you...

Slave:
:::gritting teeth::: MASTER.... errr Master, Your memory being so much better and stronger than that of Your lowly slave, i *know* You recall how You show Your ultimate Mastery by satis... er... torturing Your property for hours on end. You recall how i shriek at Your touch? How i squirm in agony trying to escape?

Master:
Well, yes... there is a lot of squirming...

Slave:
:::leaping to her feet and jumping up and down::: Oh Master!! You punish Your slave to help her better serve You in the perfection of Your regard!! :::running into the bedroom, voice fading into the distance::: Let Your lowly slave suffer soon, Master!!

Master:
:::sighing deeply, turning off the TV and following his slave into the bedroom:::

HOW A CHRISTMAS TRADITION BEGAN:

Long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual
trip...but this year there were tons of problems everywhere. Fourteen of his elves were sick with the flu, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he
found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped
the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he
began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag
fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went
to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was
nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it
broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

                               

Real Life Cybersex

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a
miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are
36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and
perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear
glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just
bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner - it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music
playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and
night table. I'm looking up into your
eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch
and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your
chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands
are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding
it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The
cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your
bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I
accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy
black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling,
rising and falling, as I breathe harder and
harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I
think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm
reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides
off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra
and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh, baby. I just want
to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your,
you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair.
Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered
with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with
the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.
I drop it with a .

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and
rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are
cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my
panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is
going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm
... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat.
I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all
red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.
I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup.
Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's
better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back
in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the
bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the
hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I
want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me, too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you
passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each
other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my
face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them.
I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me,
baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly
across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling
around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the
flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your
laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the
bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ...
thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so
nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little
trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning.
I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me
now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an
incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my
weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see
what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm
putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet,
nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No, wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find
the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser,
knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting
on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on.
My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The
curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Dom & sub  Golf Lessons

A Dom and His sub love to golf together, but neither of them is
playing as well as they want to, so they decide to take private
lessons.  The Dom has his lesson first. After the pro sees
his swing, he says, "No, no, no, You are gripping the club way
too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?"  Asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replies, "just like you'd hold
your girl's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the
ball 250 yards straight down the fairway.  The next day the sub
goes for her lesson.  After the pro watches her swing, he says,
"No, no, no, You're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the sub.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your Master's
penis."

The girl listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing,
and THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway, about 35
feet.

"That was great," the pro says, "Nice and gentle.  Now take the
club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to."

BDSM Warning! Please Read

John Doe strode into the bedroom, wearing His leather Postal Worker's uniform.  He sneered at the bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached into His latex mail bag.  Jane Doe, a 29 year old schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a mixture of fear and desire.

She gasped as He brought a knife with a 9  inch blade out of the bag.  "I saw something on the Internet which I want us to try," He said sternly, "Are you willing?"

Jane nodded eagerly and mumbled, "yeff Mather".

John smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her bonds.  "Strip", He ordered as He began to remove His own clothes.  Jane quickly complied, wondering what new delights her beloved Master had in store for her.

"Lay back on the bed", He commanded.  Jane did so.

John then laid on top of her.  "Tonight my dear", He whispered while reaching for the light switch, "We are going  ........... VANILLA!"

"NOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!", cried Jane as the room plunged into darkness.

The above tale is true.  John eventually left Jane to move in with a vanilla woman.  They now have a 24/7 vanilla lifestyle, regularly enjoying home improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex 3 times a year.

Jane was more fortunate and now attends Vanillas Anonymous.  With help and guidance she is slowly recovering.  Only last week she was able to stand up and say, "I have the right to more than one sexual position!"

Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at home.  If anyone offers you vanilla sex, JUST SAY NO!

This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement