goodpuddles

Male Dominant, 29, detroit, Michigan

Female Submissive, 49

Male Submissive, 25, Lafayette, Louisiana

What makes something real?? The colors, the vibrance of life?? In February, there was something so different.. and this isn't at all what I imagined, or what I was looking for.? Yet, he's the first thing on my mind when I wake.? He's the last thing on my mind when I sleep.? My brain at some level is constantly thinking about him and an awareness of his state at all times.? Regardless of whether he knows/wants it, he has this "mastery" over my state of being.? Over the years.. books I've read, movies I've watched, it seems like the _standard_.? It doesn't seem like something special to my circumstance.? Women are innately set to look to another's needs.? (I have to speak in absolutes here to describe what I mean, but that in no way means that I subscribe to some notion that there is only a black/white, or more specifically male/female binary.? Many women have a more typical masculine tendency and as gender roles shift in society this is getting mutated, not to mention just standard biological mutations that dictate our standards of behaviors.)? When he's not around life loses some essence of color.? There are standard frustrations that one deals with in the every day in a real relationship.. it's not happily ever after and there was never another concern in my pretty little head.. but ... I like the world in which he is.? The brightness.? Pleasure takes on a different meaning.? Sometimes I forget about sex entirely in the feel of his touch on my skin.? Those featherly light sensations and I'm drunk on the sensation.?

Good evening with friends in SF.? SF is beautiful at night.? I wish in some ways I had been stronger back in March and moved to SF instead of here in Sunnyvale.? Longer commute, but closer to people I enjoy spending time with.? It gets so lonely here.? Anxiety and stress set in again and have to will it all away.? As I get older, realize that the only doing that gets done is those that are active and do.? So many people get into the drudgery and commonplace of the everyday.? They fall into the same rhythms and they just don't see the ties that bind. So much energy required to do Great. Be Great.

Says what you want to hear. Says what will make you happy.

being female, puddles thinks that there is some innate need to talk. especially when in pain.? being puddles, puddles thinks that there is an innate need to hide.? these feelings conflict with each other. puddles finds herself writing here as there is just no where else.? she could write but when she writes there is less thought involved, more just sheer emotion.? the emotion overwhelms her and she stops writing. it feels like wallowing rather than expression. .. and discovering that even in this, the need to dig a hole and hide is the winning drive.

puddles is going through a strange period right now. she is and has been alone for a few weeks (months?) while MsterB has been dealing with some family issues.? After some text messaging, MsterB decided that they needed space. puddles is very confused.? There is supposed to be some clarity.? Yet puddles hasn't _really_ had MsterB in some time so it doesn't seem like something new other than _no_ contact at all.? puddles doesn't know how to deal with this kind of pain other than try to cut it out (symbolically not actual cutting).? Why painful?? puddles believes that this is a prelude to splitting. puddles feels a great sadness.? it's not huge disasters that kill relationships.? she's been in enough to know.? it's lack of honest open communication.? puddles spent some time in the bookstore yesterday crouched in the relationship aisle trying to figure out meaning.? a framework to work from.? there aren't great books out there. one can't expect to find the answer in gold leaf and leather bound. BDSM isn't everything, and it hasn't been a great deal of the relationship with MsterB.?? puddles wonders whether this is a part of the problem.? what does puddles want? is that the point of space?

puddles loves when Mister B touches the puppy!

This weekend puddles made cocoa for MsterB.? of all the things puddles has done, this seems to be a high achievement to puddles, as puddles has never accomplished this before.? It usually turns out clumpy. When making for Mister B, puddles was VERY patient.? Wanting/desiring to make the perfect cup.? Slowly slowly stir in the hot water into the unsweetened cocoa powder, splenda mix.? Surprisingly enough, it was not clumpy, and LOOKED right.? mister B said it was tasty as well.? That felt amazing. One thing that Mister B has been working with puddles to experience, is good anal sex.? There is some huge hangups, and actual mental/physical pain that puddles had/has to get over.? Today for the first time, puddles was really able to give over into the experience, and it was incredibly intense.? so often fear translates into physical pain and mental blocks.? puddles sees this correlation in real life.? today was the first day Mister B was really able to use puddles' ass as it should be used for his pleasure.? The overwhelming flood of emotions and pleasure for puddles was intense and has really helped to center puddles all day today.?

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