Gaea

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	About Gaea THE Goddess here, (the largest planet in the community) so drop to your knees in awe and wonder. Or just drop your mouth open and look a right idiot. Just thought I'd pop in to correct a few misconceptions you humans seem to have about me. For instance, there seems to be a growing impression that you need to start saving the environment. Ha! I am 4.3bn years old - I'm not the one that needs saving! I've spent billions of years with no company at all, another billion or so with a few single cells and a terribly entertaining couple of hundred million with some lovely and/or blood thirsty dinosaurs. So a few centuries with a bunch of "homo consumerae" who try to do in a couple of hundred years what a decent meteor can do so much quicker is neither here nor there to me. And while I'm at it, frankly I don't give a flying fornication for the tiger or the whale or the honey bee: Species, here a second gone a second! You're the ones that need them - not me. So stop with all this "Save the Planet" rubbish and think it through. "Save ourselves" more like. Well, I'll say goodbye now just in case, it was fun knowing you all. I expect you'll be around for a few more blinks of my eye but if I doze off I'll probably miss you. You can try keeping me awake with some eco-confessions or questions - I'll happily give you the benefit of my immense wisdom. Just don't blame me if you don't like the answers . **Note that I will not respond to any other mails. magnificent roll of thunder and a bit of flashy lightening for effect** Q: 'I worry that leather whips mean more cows which means more methane. What should I do?' A: Ah yes, that old greenhouse gas methane - I spent ages trying to work out where the smell was coming from. I suggest whips handcrafted from your/your slave's/mistress' hair - still from a methane producer but keeps your hands busy and you out of the shops. Pubic hair would also do the trick but I appreciate the time scales may not work for you on that. So failing that, go for something secondhand, vintage, antique.

What better to listen to on BBC iplayer today than Pratchett's "Small Gods"?

?Oh where oh where have all the interesting minds gone?

Good evening inhabitants.

Just popped off for a while to talk to the turtles. Honestly, 100m years of evolution and what have they got to show for it?

Surprising but it was worth popping in again. Sweet dreams and visions all.

Ah, coming up to "Christmas", I see.

A moment under the tree, half a millenia in my guts.

* languid stretch* Have I missed anything?

*buuuuuuuuuuurp*

Oh, excuse me...that landfill, bit gassy sometimes. Anyone got a match for the other end?

Mail in:

A sage Universa can always advise me on the true important things in life :
1. why is there only one monopolies commission?

2. why is abbreviation such a long word?
3. can one be assured, confident, at ease, comfortable, motivational and yet deeply submissive to sensual power at the same time?

Wise response:

1. Because capitalism has a single track mind
2. Because onomatopoeia doesn't sound like it should
and
3. I think it should be obligatory: where is the pleasure for a dominant in subduing a wimp?

*giggles at the nuclear tickles from Korea and laughs - again - at silly humans*

Thank you for your concern but your puny little nuclear devices don't hurt me. They hurt you and your environment.

I do seem to be repeating myself a lot on this point about who's suffering here.

Your continual inability to grasp the depth of respect in which you should hold me is astonishing but then, that's not my problem.

Of course, I keep forgetting how young you are and what you didn't see. I have been beautifully behaved recently. Sure, the odd earthquake or volcano but those are nothing more than the odd burp or fart really.
And yes, I'm still counting burping and farting as beautiful behaviour: it's all relative.

By the way, keep meaning to thank you all for the Brazilian! All that bush, sooo last millenium.

*contemplates spinning the other way for a change*

*laughs aloud at how very entertaining she finds herself*

My favourite irregular verb: I analyse You judge He/she/it doesn't understand

Yes, yes, yes, it's true - fabric conditioners and those fragrant washing powders do confuse butterflies and other pollinators but hey - what's evolution for? Besides, if an insect can't find its way to the flowers for all the aromatic shorts and Hawaian shirts around, what's the worst that can happen? No pollination but - trumpet sound - you've got Monsanto instead haven't you? And once the pollinators die off you might even get GM lepidoptera as well as GM crops. Jeez, you guys really have to look on the bright side more often.

Today's advice: Have a great day and keep yourself entertained by counting your eco-"crimes" as you go: don't worry about feeling guilty - think of them as stepping stones to encouraging humans into space.

Most amused that the living willow cage thing seems to be catching on: I only suggested it in jest but apparently the whole freezing your subbie's butt off in winter has some real appeal to those with some outside space.

Thanks for being so funny again, humans!

Credit crunch = herd failure to understand implications of or to question accepted practice

UK MP expenses scandal = herd failure to understand implication of or to question accepted practice

Your environmental degradation = herd failure to ...need I go on?

etc etc

I can't tell you what a joy it is that you're so damn clever and so damn stupid simultaneously - just so sweet! If you grow up, you won't be nearly as much fun!

Aah, there's nothing like a bit of exercise: been practicing my long range shots with a few meteorites - lovely stroke work, even if I say so myself. By the way, can anyone explain air freshener to me? Do you really make your own houses stink?

All those who have sent amusing mails please note that as I am currently admiring myself on the loveliest beach in the UK, I will only be reading and not responding for the next 7 earth spins.

Mail in: I am sorry to say that both Socrates and Descartes have ended (I'd even say, have turned to dust some time ago, but for you, of course, my human sense of time is woefully limited), although their legacy is a part of our education and in that regard, they never ceased to be. Well, not quite as you, obviously. They are not a force of nature as you might be, but rather the past guardians of the noble ideas which we honour and respect. Must all sound very silly to you, but keep in mind we are just struggling to get along, and we need such intellectual idols as buoys to prevent us from drowning in an otherwise overwhelming universe. Who was it who said: "The fundamental realisation, which must come before any wisdom, is: I do not know"? Often followed by: "But, I do have a hunch. Let's go see if it holds out." The act of surrendering to complexity is easy, yes. But there is always this drive to learn more, however incapable we are of grasping the full truth. Even us subbies can't escape from that instinct. To peek and poke, to meddle and play with stuff we don't understand. Needless to say, we get burned in the process. Being a sub probably means we actually enjoy that.

Reply: I know, insatiable human curiosity - I rather like it. Makes things a lot more interesting and more complicated, which is a genuine joy.

I've noted a tendency to confuse it with general "striving" in some cultures - success at any cost; change for the illusion of progress; "I do" sneering upon "I am"... which is counter-productive on all sorts of levels but very entertaining to watch.

I confess to misreading you at first - thought you said "I do have lunch" - which has piqued my appetite. So I'm off for a bite of pickled dodo I spotted at the back of the cupboard yesterday. Lovely to condescend to you, do have a nice day.

Q: Hey Goddess, got a view on plastic?

A: Yes, neat invention - outlasts you guys by centuries. What do you get, 80 years? That plastic stuff is way better - 400 - 1,000 years and all of it that you've ever made is still here! Very clever. Don't worry about the dead animals obviously: albatrosses are a shit design anyway - ever seen one try to take off even without a belly full of golf balls and toothbrushes? I can deal with the soil and water pollution over the next 10 centuries but you might want to start testing what you're drinking pretty soon. Oh laugh, though! - that whole putting free healthy water in an unhealthy plastic bottle and selling it thing - that's a cracker!!! Is there some sort of decade long April Fool going on?

Mail in: Ah, yes, how foolish it was to ask for forgiveness. Translated to my perspective, it must have come across as a grain of sand asking me for forgiveness. I couldn't care less either way. The more impressive it is that you've taken the effort to correct some misconceptions. I am tempted to say I am very grateful for that, but my gratefullness would mean nothing to you, so there is no point doing that (well, other than it would be off my chest, but just saying thanks, because it would make _me_ feel better, would be a rather egocentric action). I have to be honest, it takes incredible effort for me to try to understand your perspective. Probably, it is entirely impossible to even get close to it, but I can't help myself from trying.

I know, lowly being, it is so very hard for the human brain to comprehend the complexity and size of the universe - you show a lot of promise but generally you've still not even got your heads round the fact that there are implications to your actions which you can't see: you're still at that baby developmental stage where you think if a toy has been covered over with a cloth, it has ceased to exist. It's so cute!

The only thing you need to understand is that you do not truly understand anything. The world is far more, infinitely more, complex than you are capable of understanding, let alone the universe. For every answer you find, you uncover more questions. But complexity is a very beautiful thing - surrender to it (subbies should be good at that) - revel in it!

We Gods, we see, we know and we need not judge - what is, is and what shall be, shall be and through it all, we will be.

That Socrates and that Descartes chappy - they were getting along the right lines. Are they still around?

Mail in: I _knew_ the all-knowing deity preferred to be addressed in a female form. It seems so much more appropriate. And oh, I'm perfectly aware that the actions of a newly arrived species mean squat on a cosmic scale, but we like to inflate our own importance and the consequence of our actions to such heights as if to directly compete with you. Folly, of course. But, let me pardon for forgiveness, as we learn and try to better ourselves.

I'm not here to forgive, darling - as I said, doesn't matter to me what you do, I will survive. ~beatific smile~

Q: "I worry that leather whips mean more cows which means more methane. What should I do?"

A: Ah yes, that old greenhouse gas methane - I spent ages trying to work out where the smell was coming from. I suggest whips handcrafted from your/your slave's/mistress' hair - still from a methane producer but keeps your hands busy and you out of the shops. Pubic hair would also do the trick but I appreciate the time scales may not work for you on that.

So failing that, go for something secondhand, vintage, antique.

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Gaea

About Gaea