FunGypsy

Why do we keep striving for that which can cause such pain?

 Is the fleeting time of intense passion and beautiful words really worth the end that seems to be inevitable and causes so much pain?

Why do we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and plaster a smile on our faces and put one foot in front of the other and keep walking towards a promised dream of love everlasting and happiness?

I am 51yrs old and looking forward to grandchildren so why the driving need for a significant other? I provide well enough for myself and my present turmoil has shown me in no uncertain way that I am loved by so many good friends, I never lack for a hug or a shoulder when I need one. I do not lack for company or someone to laugh with. I am only a phone call away from a sounding board for my thoughts or someone to help sort out the road ahead. I have level heads all around me with sound advice when I need it and willing hands should I need help. What is so wrong with my life that I need a significant other? I am so well loved, looked after and my life is full of choices when it comes to places to go and things to do that I think of myself as one of the lucky people, one of the fortunate ones that should never feel lonely … yet still I do. I am past the thoughts of white picket fences and little ones running round my feet, god no … I have been there and done that and enjoyed it when it was that time of my life. I have so many memories and so many stories and my life was anything but dull. 

So given how fortunate I am and how full my life is … why am I so sad, so lonely and feel like so much is missing from my life? Why do I have such a desperate need to find someone to love? Is it greedy to want more when I have so much more than so many others? Am I selfish and ungrateful that I want more? Is it just some biological instinct that refuses to let go that demands that I find someone to lie next to, someone who wants to hold me and share my life? Sex is easy to find, I am not that old yet lol … but it is not satisfying the way it once was, sex without intimacy and connection is not enough … trust me I have tried as I said I am not that old yet!

I thought I may have found that person, devouring kisses and strong arms that made me feel safe and protected. A connection from the moment our eyes met, that moment from some sort of romance novel should have had warning bells screaming but like a lamb to the slaughter I kept right on going straight into the arms of heart ache and pain. Like a lamb to the slaughter I ignored all the signs that something was not right and happily danced along in my rose colored glasses, yes much to my injured dignity I am still not too old to wear them … sigh. When he made excuses that in hind sight did not hold water, I believed him.  When his life turned to shit and tragedy visited I tried to stand by him. When all he could offer were phone calls and less than dignified meetings I accepted it … and when he tried to throw himself on a sword and end it … I fought to hold on to what little I had. 

Why do I do this, why am I not ever the important one? Why do I insist on putting my own needs second to his? Why have I not learned that this road leads to nothing but pain and regret … because it is who I am? I do not know how to value myself above another? Because deep down I am still the child that no one cared for? Please God let that not be true, please let me have come further down the road than that but here I sit questioning my inner being, dissecting all that I am and feeling dispirited at what I find.  I want to say next time I will not do this. I want to scream from the roof tops that I am important… but I cannot deny that deep down I do not believe this. That in the deep recess of my soul where I do not care to look … there sits a small girl crying that was always left to fend for herself, unloved and unwanted and she still exists in the woman today and to deny this is to lie to myself.  I did the therapy, the courses and have the walked the self help road. I accepted that part of myself long ago but perhaps not guarded that part of myself well enough? Perhaps I give too much too soon? Perhaps like friends have said … I do not have a working arsehole monitor lol.

 However and whatever the reason, I have come to the conclusion that I will probably never change … I am who I am from the life I have led and I am by nature a nurturer and a giver and I will probably never be able to put my own needs above those of the people I love and the man I choose to be with … and perhaps this is not a bad thing. I have been told that I am a treasure yet I still find it hard to believe, I am told I have a beautiful soul and again I still find it hard to believe but if I stop giving, stop caring and stop wanting to place his needs above mine, stop placing more importance on the needs of those I love … I will no longer be me … and as much as I cry, as much as the pain feels like my soul is being shredded … I like who I am.

 I think through all the tears, the loss and the pain … like when the rain stops the rainbow comes out, I just need to wait a little longer to see my rainbow, and then I will smile and dance and flit around with my gypsy wings fluttering behind me. I will eventually find someone new and the game will start all over again but perhaps this time I will find that significant other who will love me back with all the intensity that I love with … we have to have hope or we lose the color of life and when all is said and done this world can be so beautiful if we just open our eyes and look … even if they are still a bit puffy from self indulgent crying lol.

May we all never give up, never lose sight of the beauty of life and the joy of finding that special someone that fits just right when spooning in bed … the search continues and really searching can be fun if we do not take ourselves too seriously …

ok for those who I have not answered or that I have stopped chatting to please do not take it personally but my life is too messy to be actively seeking ... I saw the surgeon today and I get the right shoulder operation on the 5/2/14 .. it is a lot more than expected and I will be in a sling for 3 weeks and am looking at 3months before it will be useful again .... at least ... so the road to recover is longer than expected ... I am a little upset but will get over it ... what has to be has to be ... just would like life to back off for a little while and let me breathe sigh. So I imagine typing will be challenging for a little while so cut me some slack if I am not answering quickly or in depth ...

ok so MRI on both shoulders ... apparently the left one which I refer to as the good shoulder is in the surgeons opinion not much better than the right and he wants to investigate both injuries ... I am trying not to think about it atm ... why borrow trouble before it gets here but the universe really needs to start thinking about cutting me some slack ... not sure how I will cope with ops on both shoulders ... just wait and see not much choice really sigh

update ... quiet Christmas mainly spent with good friends and lots of love. See a surgeon on Tuesday as the shoulder is not healing and will need surgery ... 50% hight tear is just too much ...

So everything is on hold, my whole life is a roller coaster and I can not wait for it to stop ... I detest having my life dependent on the decisions of unknown faces behind desks in the mists of the bureaucratic abyss ... I will make some phone calls on Monday and God help them if they do not have the promised answers .... I am out of patience.

I am over being in pain and so over the effort to get better ... stretching 3-4 times a day followed by exercises of death, heat and ice treatments 2-3 times a day and 30 mins in the pool pushing my body. For all my bitching there is marked improvement and the knee is doing really well ... just need to sort out the shoulders lol. I will be a new improved model by the end of all this lol.

Pink champagne and puppett ... what more do I need for the perfect night ... god I have missed her ... there are some moments in life that just need that friend to make everything right in your life 

Merry Christmas to me puppett has flown over from Melbourne to suprise me ... best Christmas present ever

   lmfao Cortisone=steroid? Cause I am not plagued by roaming itchiness from pain killers and I am frigging starving. But the reason people should be afraid is I am a little hyper,  apparently talking at a 100 miles an hr non stop lol. Should make life interesting ...

So spent some time amusing my friends absolutely delightful 5yr old grand daughter tonight ... I opened a site with 6 pages of ball gowns and spent time picking out what sort of princesses would own them ... after putting her to bed I looked through some of the evening gowns and have come to the decision that a woman is never too old toDom that wants to take me places where I can wear these beautiful elegant dresses lol 

Done and dusted ... stung and a bit of burning sensation now but all good and nothing to worry about ... so will get my left shoulder done on Monday without fuss or worry :)

I told a friend a secret and then decided it should not be a secret and that there is no shame in feeling a little afraid only shame in giving in to fear which I will not do. I have avoided cortizone injections for years and find that now I am only an hour away from having one in my right shoulder ... I am not feeling very brave .. silly really ..

To all those who think to impress by sending pics of there hard cocks ... as much as I enjoy the sight of a nicely shaped hard dick ... it represents a little fun for a night and not what I am looking for (though it is nice and a one night stand does have it's place in life)

As extremely disappointing and old fashioned as this may seem ...I am much more interested in your mind, your smile and your eyes ... If you have read my profile then you would know that I am not looking for a good sexual encounter, a casual fling, play partner or friend with benifits ... I am looking for LTR on a D/s foundation.

So as nice as a good sized hard cock looks and it is a wonderful thing to have... it is fairly useless with out an evil mind running it and quite boring after a while if it is all that is offered. Where as a man with an evil glint in his eyes that hints at deep thoughts and an active mind, combined with a good sense of humour and an easy smile can quite often find ways to make life really interesting and enjoyable regardless of the size of his dick ... I want a partner than can still make me scream and beg in 10 yrs time not just tonight... so if you want to send me something that will get my attention ... a pic of your eyes, of your favourite camping spot secluded and inviting, your play space featuring some of your favourite toys, or a pic of your smile will impress me far more than a pic of your dick ... just a thought :)

thank the powers that be there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel ... walking without crutches is so nice and hopefully will help my shoulders heal quicker ... I am still walking slowly and a little bit of a limp but hell it just feels so damn good lol

Romanticised love, falling in love, love at first sight, it is all very nice and I am glad to hear of people experiencing these wonders ... but it is not for me.

I do not do this and never will ... there are those who think that this is a bad thing but for me it is not, I do not experience this because I am not capable of it ... my emotions are slightly different to others but they are mine and they are just as valid to me as yours are to you. I am not that much different from those women of years gone by who chose their husbands with diligence and a firm view to what they needed to sustain a life long commitment. I am just choosing a Dom rather than a husband.

We all have our check lists that are consciously or unconsciously checked off when we meet a potential partner ... I am just a little more upfront and honest about mine lol. I look for a Dom that shares my views on what the dynamic of a D/s relationship should be, who is happy to live reasonably openly in this life, someone who values and participates in the local community, who has a good sense of humour and a good attitude to life who has strength of character. I look for a man who is happy with who he is and his life and wants someone to compliment it.

He wants a girl to enhance his life not complete it. A girl who will be his partner, his lover, his baby girl, his sub, who will make him the centre of her life. A man in control of himself and his life who offers a girl the security of his strength, his love, his guidance and his control. One who does not need to micro manage as he prefers to know that she is intelligent enough to know what he would want and will make decisions based on his preferences. He will allow her to feel joy at his trust in her, to be happy in her ability to please him in this way. A man who enjoys delegating to a girl and letting her glow in the knowledge that she is making his life easier. A man who will want her opinions, value her thoughts and enjoy her laugh but will also make the final decisions, the hard decisions and expect her to abide by them ... for me there can only be one head of the relationship, one leader and I prefer it to be him. If he can not lead than I will not follow, so I look for the leadership and decision making abilities of the Dom ... an indecisive Dom leads to an insecure girl but a bully or domineering man will only destroy the strength in this girl .. it is a fine line that must never be crossed.

I do not care what he looks like, only that he is strong, healthy and reasonably fit ... that he can take me to sub space and joy in my care, that he loves to see me at his feet and joys in the feel of my body, that he is active and can sate every need of my body while sating his own, and enjoys pushing my body just for the hell of it every now and then. Yet a man who respects my limits, would never deliberately hurt me and is willing to learn all there is to know of my body, my mind and my soul. I want a man who wants my all, who will settle for nothing less than every thing I am and can be. Some one who I can give that too, safe within the respect and trust that I have in him..

So I look for a lot ... my check list is deep and long, but it needs to be. I will not fall in love with him, I will not sigh as he walks through the door and do the love at first sight .... I will assess him, the way he walks, the way he speaks, the interest he shows, I will wonder about how he smells, feels, tastes, how his arms will feel around me ... whether he knows how to hold me when I need him, how to make me feel safe, loved and treasured. I will be insecure about whether I will please him, will I learn what he wants fast enough, will he be pleased with the way I look, smell, feel, will I be enough for him ... all these fears will war within while I decide if he has what I need to make a life long commitment work ... and that is what it is all about for me ... not the play, not the sex, not the ups and downs but the commitment though the rest is important do not get me wrong (esp the sex and play lol) ... to find someone I can see myself growing old with ... perhaps disgracefully if we are lucky ... but the commitment to the long haul, to a relationship that will last. Because like those women of years ago if he meets the requirements of what I think is needed to make a long term relationship work I will accept him, when that happens I will bond and start to love him .... for me love is not something you fall into but something that grows, something that gets stronger and deeper with time ... a bond that lasts a life time if nurtured and maintained, and it is this I seek.

I do not want to be owned for a week, a year, a decade ... I want to be owned for a life time ... I want to still be wearing my collar when I take my last breath and I hope he will still be there proud of his girl and holding my hand. Yes I want a lot but I offer all that I am in return, and I will wait till I find him ... and I will find him ...

lmao today is the best my shoulders have felt in over a month so today I find out I have 3 tears in the right shoulder and lots of inflammation ... expecting similar results from the ultra sound on the left one on Friday ... but hey they feel better and I am just going to roll with the flow and hope it is a sign that they are on the mend xxx

Ok knee is good today not even needed any pain killers lol ... but miracle of miracles I do not have T-Rex arms, not sure why and really don't care all I know is I have almost full movement in my shoulders and upper arms, there is still some discomfort but no real pain certainly nothing close to what it was even yesterday .. still having ultra sounds done today and not planning on joining the Olympic Discus throwing team but hell it feels good lol.

So to all those well wishing/candle lighting and praying friends and loved ones .. hell yeah and thankyou for my first pain free (close enough) day in 2 months xxxEven if it does not last it has done wonders just to know it is possible ... buying lotto ticket lol xxxxxxx

The knee op went well ... Sliver lining is that there is so much pain in the knee and ankles that my shoulders are no longer bothering me lol ... was all good till I went to sit on my bed lost balance and bent the knee  however 2 panadineforte and 2 temaz and I was unconscious in the sweet embrace of oblivion ... about to repeat the process ... later peeps xxx

Surgery on knee on Tuesday so will not be on much so please excuse any lack of response

Warm smiles

   gypsy

The forest smelled wrong today ... not sure what it is but it is out of place. I have hunted round this area since I was a child. My mother and grandmother before me ... I knew these trails, these trees, the scent and sound like I knew my own face ... what was wrong? I shook my head and pushed the wrongness to the back of my mind, many a hunter had ended by being distracted on the hunt. I needed to focus, the meat was not far ahead and many depended on me bringing it home. Focus, breathe ... there ... it's scent it was close now, I notched the arrow, and slowly, silently crept forward ... there it was ... by the mother it was a big one, by far the biggest I had ever seen ... if I did not need the meat so badly I would back away ... foolishness to take on this one on my own. It's ears twitched, it turns it's head towards me, and the decision was no longer mine ... it knows I am here and it thinks I am meat. One arrow, two arrows, it is not even slowing ... the third arrow goes straight through it's eye and it is dead but it's momentum is carrying it onward, there was no where for me to go ... "dam .. dam"

He sat high in the tree trying to get his bearings, he was far from the land he knew. Nothing was familiar, even the trees had a difference ... they were greener, they smelled stronger, they were even taller than what he was use too. He chewed on a fruit and wondered if he had come far enough, perhaps it was time to return to his own lands. He thought again on what had made him come this far, why the driving need to see what was here ... it made no sense to be this far from his people and alone in this strange land.

He heard the sound of a bow string, the sound of something large crashing through the trees, he was already moving in the direction of the sounds. Three arrows in all, and a terrible scream of something dying. He could not make it out but there was a human sound, words? It was a huge beast that lay dead before him, meat enough to feed a village. He could see the bow and a hand, so small ... surely no child would hunt something this big. He found a branch and levered the beast aside to see if the child lived. It was not a child ... he was shocked ... it was a woman? She was breathing and seemed unharmed. A tall well made woman, with flowing red hair. She had the look of a hunter, but who would let their women hunt? Who would let the mothers of their children face danger like this? But one look at her clothing and she was no novice to the hunt, she had bought this beast down on her own. He begrudgingly admired her strength, her ability and if he was any judge, those well muscled legs would probably run for days. She looked like she had always been well fed but as he traced a finger down her ribs he thought she was a little gaunt at the moment, perhaps game had been scarce, or she had been ill? Enough of this he thought to himself and he reached for his water skin and with his fingers moistened her lips, he used his fingers to stroke wetness across her forehead, and was rewarded with a stir. He sat back and waited and gradually she started to come back to herself. He smiled, she really was a remarkable looking woman... He watched her start to wake and backed up to the edge of the clearing ... He did not want to frighten her.

Pain ... my ribs ... a small growl passed my lips, I should have got out of the way faster, foolishness to try to take something that big on my own. I can not just lie here ... carefully I opened my eyes, the bright sunlight almost blinded me, how long had I lain here, it was only early morning when I first scented the beast ... how long did I follow it ... my mind was fuzzy from the impact. I needed to sit up ... pain ... what had I done to my ribs. I quickly put a hand to my left side feeling for what was wrong, just bruised maybe. Then I heard a voice, a male voice, an unknown voice ... a very strange sounding voice ... I moved quickly to my feet, crouched, my knife no longer in my leg bands but in my hand where it belonged. I saw him ... by the mother he was massive, did everything today have to be over sized? I watched him, he sat on the edge of the clearing, relaxed, chewing on some sort of fruit? He watched me and I watched him ... neither of us moving. He put down the fruit and offered the water skin to me. I shook my head, now that was a mistake as the edges of my world went dark and my balance started to leave me ... I had never seen anyone move that quick! One second he was the other side of the clearing the next his arm was keeping me from falling. I heard words but I was already drifting back to the darkness. Mother protect me, this is not a good time to pass out.

She growled when she started to stir. He smiled and thought what kind of woman growls when she wakes, he chuckled to himself but silently. She started to sit up and clutched at her ribs ... he lent forward and asked if she was alright. He was shocked by her reaction and her speed, one minute she was clutching her ribs and she looked like any other woman in need of help, though large for a woman, still he saw the fragile grace of her kind and part of him screamed to protect her. He felt his duty to look after her as the men of his tribe had done for their women since the beginning of time. Again he wondered where her men were? But there she was, with the speed and agility that defied his thoughts of a woman of his tribe and looking at her there, crouched, blade in hand, clear focused eyes watching his every move ... this was no woman like any he had ever heard of ... a hunter, obviously a fighter, proud, tall, beautiful ... she fascinated him. He tried with all his might to put her at ease. He sat on the other side of the clearing and finished his fruit, he wanted to gain her trust, to know her.

He reached down and picked up the water skin and offered it to her? She shook her head and then started to sway, dam dam he thought ... she is going to fall. As quick as he could he jumped to grab her and managed to get an arm around her before she hit the ground. He could see the blood on the back of her head, how had he missed that, dam if it had been a fellow hunter he would not have missed it. Fool, he thought to himself, you look at the woman and forget all, did not even see the blood on the rock she was laying on and yet there it sits laughing at you and your foolishness.

He picked her up and carried her over to the soft grass in the shade of a tree. He left her for a few moments to retrieve his back sack and return. He pulled out the bag that contained his supply of medicines and found the leaves he needed to make a poultice for her head. So glad his mother had forced him to learn these things he thought so useless back then ... he must remember to thank her when he gets home. He made a small fire and heated water, and added the leaves. Not to hot, just warm enough to knead the leaves into a soft poultice ... perd her head gently and places the poultice over the bump, pleased to see it had stopped bleeding since he had cleaned it. With a scrap of cloth to hold it in place, he returned to the fire to cook some meat and brew a hot drink. He sat sipping his drink and waiting for her to wake.

He dragged the beast she had killed over and skinned it. He parceled the meat and wrapped it in the preserving leaves, all the time with one eye on the woman. She had done well to bring down this beast, to let the meat go bad was to spit on her ability, female or not, a hunter will not let the his brother's kill ... he glances at her and chuckles ... another hunter's kill go to waste. He was worried, she should not be out this long, she should have woken by now.

He made another hot drink and he sat and watched her. The waves of her long red hair suited her, the soft pale freckles on her face begged to be kissed. He followed the curve of her long neck, to the muscles of her shoulders. As his eyes moved down he felt his breath quicken she was truly a well made woman, he wondered exactly where the rest of her freckles were and if they speckled her body beneath her furs. He smiled at the thought of finding out, and find out he would. Her stomach was flat and the curve of her hips full, and those legs, slim, muscular, long never ending legs. What would it feel like to have them wrapped round you, would they pull your body hard against hers? He shook his head and laughed, he had been alone way to long. That she wolf would probably try to kill him before she tried to kiss him ... but still as he looked at her lying there, no pain no gain they say ... and she would be a challenge to tame. He sipped his drink and thought but not to tame, she is wild and needs to keep some of that or she will loose her spark, and that would be a shame.

Night was settling around them and still she did not wake ... he could feel the chill in the air and new it would not be good for her. He needed rest but what if the foolish woman tried to leave while he was asleep? Any other woman he knew would wake him with her stirrings, but how quiet could this hunter be if she wanted to to leave while he slept? He knew she would not be happy if she woke before him in the morning but there was nothing for it ... he only had one blanket and he needed her to be safe. He lifted her and moved her closer to the fire, he took the rope from his bag and tied her ankles together and her wrists and ran enough rope between them that she would be unable to undo her wrists without waking him. Satisfied that she would be going nowhere without him knowing, he stood there looking down at her. She looked marvelous restrained in the ropes of capture. He leaned down and ran a finger along the curve of her breast, she would buck like a wild thing he thought to himself and than laughed at how quickly she would sink her teeth into him if she woke now.

It was time to settle for the night but as he stood there looking down on her he had a thought; she had a knife in her leg bands, did she have another? He smiled at the thought of checking ... but it had to be done he told himself. He ran his hands over her clothing, enjoying the feel of her body, the curves, the scent of her hair. He thought a thorough check was necessary and chuckled to himself as he slid his hand around the curve of her breast, letting his fingers brush over her nipple. Dam finely made woman he thought again to himself for the hundredth time. He let his hand slide over that firm belly and along the edge of her ... skirt, well more than a loin cloth, but not breeches, skirt he thought ... and went back to his search. As his hand slipped beneath the waist line and and along the curve of her hip ... He stopped and felt and damn it ... she did have another knife, no two more. All other thoughts dissipated as he sat there looking down at the beauty before him and wondering yet again what kind of woman was she? Really even he did not carry 3 knives as well as a bow? He examined the knives and realized one was a really well weighted throwing knife, he looked down at where she lay and shook his head. He placed the knives in his sack and laid down beside her and pulled her into his arms and tried not to think of where that knife might be in the morning if he had not found it ... yes definitely a challenge.. He tucked the blanket around them and joyed in the smell of her hair, the feel of in laying acros his chest, he could loose himself in the waterfall of fire, yes so very, very easily. He settled her body against his and drifted off into a light sleep. He would not sleep deeply in this strange place with no one to guard his back... just a light sleep to protect them both.

I awoke in the dawn light, my head hurt, my ribs hurt but that was not my biggest worry. My hands and ankles were tied, and there was something around my head but that was still not my biggest worry. My biggest worry was the giant that had his body wrapped round mine and his hands ... well his hands were not where they belonged at all. I looked up into his sleeping face and realized for the first time how different he was. A man so large and well made, a mane of rich dark hair and as I followed the thick muscles of his neck I could see the dark hair on his massive chest. His arms were like steel bonds around me and I could feel that he was definitely a man, very very definitely a man, I laughed to myself, but silently as the last thing I wanted was to wake him while I was still helpless and bound in his arms ... mother protect me please do not let him wake. I tested the ropes and they were very secure, I could not reach my wrists with my teeth without bringing my legs up and that would probably wake him. I reached inside my furs to retrieve my knife and it was gone, I checked my throwing knife and it to was gone. I looked up at his face with grudging respect and a little smile wondering just how much he enjoyed finding them.

I had seen how fast he could move so I needed to be well away before he woke. With no knives, and no way to free my hands and ankles, I had one slim hope. I wiggled my hands to see if they would slip through the bond but it was no use. I lay there listening to him breathe, the smell of his body think in the air, the feel of his chest under my cheek, I felt my body stir, the nearness of him warming my blood ... I had been alone too long on this hunt. I let myself enjoy the feel of him, the smell, the strength of his arms and sighed quietly, it was time to leave. I carefully and ever so slowly started to wind myself out from his arms, inch by inch working my way up and out, when I felt his arms tighten.

I did not understand his muffled words but I did not have too ... the pig must have been awake for a while and stopped me when his face was in my cleavage. He rubbed his beard against my breasts and kissed his way across my chest and the more I fought the more he chuckled, his hands roaming over my back, and taking a firm grip on my arse. No I did not need to understand his words .... his intentions were clear. As I struggled to get out of his grip I realized he had my top in his teeth but to late, my own struggles had torn it off my body and I now lay underneath the giant. I was half naked and the look in his eyes said he was not opposed to the idea at all. I felt strange, bound hand and foot and trapped underneath this giant of a man. He gripped my hair and tipped my head back and started kissing my neck, I felt his tongue trace the curve of my chin and then he nipped at my lips, what the hell was wrong with me. This brute was forcing himself on me, I was bound hand and foot, why was my body screaming for him, my heart pounding, I felt small and so badly in need.

When did I start kissing him.. I was trying to take from him all I wanted but no ... that was not allowed. The beast held my head back by the hair and smiled down at me and started lightly kissing my face, letting his lips brush over mine but not stopping, no kiss that would heat, just teasing. His hands did to my body what his lips did to my face, I am not sure when the rest of my clothing disappeared but I was naked and he was exploring his ill gotten gains with the slow dedication of a man in no hurry ... one that had all the time in the world ... if I had a knife I would kill him and may do later anyway. The beast looked deep into my eyes threw his head back and roared laughter, I had no problem understanding his next words ... "keep looking at me like that girl and I will have to keep you tied so forever ... to guard my safety of course, not because you look so well in capture ropes"

I was furious, I fought, tossed, screamed and tried to bite him and then realized he was letting me ... for as soon as he had had enough he pinned me like a child and started to kiss me again ... but this time he moved much further down than my face, much further down and still ever so slowly. He traced the roundness of my breast with his tongue, and circled inwards till his his mouth closed around my nipple he teased it, sucked it, and bit it and the whole time his hand and fingers were doing the same to the other nipple. He changed to the other breast and let his hand slide down my body. I felt him cup my cunt and and grip it in a firm possessive way and then his eyes were looking into mine... he needed no words his eyes told me that this was his, that I was his and I felt myself shiver. His lips came to mine with heat, and his fingers delved into me and even my gasp was consumed by his kiss. I felt the rope between my wrists and ankles slacken but if I thought I was to be freed I was mistaken .. my arms were pulled above my head and attached to something behind me, I lay stretched out before him and he lent back on one elbow and let his eyes and hand explore me ... never had a man looked at me like that before, I felt myself blush and heard his chuckle. I was unsure what to feel, what to do ... I turned and searched his eyes for some sign but all I saw was possession, he wanted me and he would have me and it frightened me. He must have seen the fear for he lent in and gently kissed me, but his words were strange: "do not fret little one, I will not cage you, for you will build the cage yourself and live in it happily, there is no need for me to force from you what you willingly give".

I was so confused, what was he talking about? .I had no time to think, no time to breathe ... as his lips moved over my body my blood turned to lava, my skin was on fire, I had never felt like this before and then he pushed my ankles up and pulled my knees apart. I had never been done so before, I started to shiver, and then to scream... as he worked with his tongue and his fingers making my body shudder, and buck with pleasure. I screamed till I had no throat, till my voice was as exhausted as my mind, but just as I thought I had nothing left, he moved up and kissed my lips and entered me.

Oh mother help me he was huge, I started to fight, he was going to split me in two, I had to stop him. His hands were a steel grip on my hips, his body pinning me to the ground and slowly he worked his way in, slowly my body accepted him, and slowly my world turned to fire again, he did not just pound away, he shifted, he delved deep and slow and then would build till I thought I would explode and then he would just tease , pulling almost out and just dipping the very entrance, he chuckled as my hips tried to reach his, as I tried to impale myself on his body. Everything was controlled by him, every rhythm, every tease, every movement of my body and his, nothing was left of me when he finally could wait no longer and let us both burn in the pleasure of that final release.

I must have fallen asleep in his arms, for when I awoke I was covered in dry sweat, my hair was a tangle form hell and the ropes were gone. I looked up and he was looking down at me smiling ... he moved the hair from my face and let a finger trail down my nose. I smiled up at him and new I would never leave this man, he smiled back and kissed me ... I knew that moment that my place was by his side. As I searched those eyes I knew it would never be a boring road but it was one we would always travel together. He was right, I would build my own cage, I would do anything for him, he had no need to force what I would willing give, and I knew I would.

Being spoiled ... got taken out for lunch with the girls ... so nice to have good freinds ... good to laugh aand smile and nice to get out of the house lol

I went to the subbie munch ... god I had fun, laughed and chatted. So glad I went.

I went to the subbie munch ... god I had fun, laughed and chatted. So glad I went.

I went to the subbie munch ... god I had fun, laughed and chatted. So glad I went.

Ok not enough hot days to take the chill off the pool ... my god that was cold ... nipples are frozen and not sure about the polar bear on the ice berg that floated past lol ... Dam that was cold

OMFG I just saw the most politically incorrect advert ever .. it was brilliant absolutely brilliant ... more power to them .. it was for a site to help Cougars to find younger men 

hmmm really must remember that boredom is not an excuse to chat with wannabes, morons or bullies ... use delete and spam button ... none of those types have the intelligence to even be amusing ... sigh

another 5 weeks to go ... I am never going to survive this enforced R&R ... please let this knee heal quickly before I loose my sanity lol

ok update from Dr... multiple fissures not fractures in the cartilage and the Tibia as well as massive arthritis so need surgery, also some ligament damage from the fall at work 2 weeks ago. The fissures are like lots and lots of cracks as opposed to fractures and should heal in 5-6 weeks. I just need to stay off it lol. I will see the specialist, arrange the surgery and get this over with and healed as soon as possible.

I may have already found a new career path, I am considering the offer but I think it might work for me and has the bonus of putting me in Melb early next year so  a lot of my plans are back on track. Still a few t's to cross and i's to dot but life is progressing better than expected. I like to think a positive attitude is working for me lol.

Ok what happened to my hot weather ... 21 degrees where is my jumper grrr

I have had some beautiful messages from friends and well wishes from new ones ... here is some of what I have written back ... I thought I would share it ...

but for me the thing I miss most atm is two strong arms to reassure me ... I do not need it as I am capable of all that needs to be done ... but crave it yes ... I crave to have that strength behind me, that quiet reassurance beside me and that wall of protective Dominance in front of me ... however all will be done with out it ... it is why for me submission is not so much a need as a choice, the TPE is so important for it takes such strength for me to hand over what I have ... but alas here I am on my own again and it will be fine. I will look at the cross roads ahead carefully and decide which way my journey will continue ... change is not a bad thing but can reinvigorate your life if you choose to accept it that way ... I so choose and find even in pain I am still smiling and looking forward to what the future holds ... how does it go .... when one door closes look carefully for the door that is now free to open lol

So feeling very philosophical today lol ... I over think things at times but prefer the chance of over thinking to the alternative of not thinking things through and jumping in without knowledge of what lies beneath the water.. so my mind is running through all that has happened, all that could be and all that needs to be done and feeling reasonable peaceful as it seems right to shift my journey to a new path ... time for change :)

A friend mentioned "Boethius's wheel" on my journal elsewhere and I had not heard of it before so I googled it ... I will be researching this further as it appears rather beautiful and relates closely to my own beliefs ... particularly this ...

She contends that happiness comes from within, and that one's virtue is all that one truly has, because it is not imperilled by the vicissitudes of fortune.

I have believed for some time that I am responsible for my own happiness and that it begins with my decision to be happy, smile and the world smiles with you is the outlook I strive for ... my interpretation of virtue is honesty, loyalty, compassion, empathy and a good understanding of right and wrong ... so for me this is so true ... no matter what happens, what I sell or loose, what retraining I may or may not have to do, what job I go back too, what surgery I have or what pain I endure and survive ... in the end all that matters is that I am happy with who I am and everything else will fall into place ... to thine own self be true ... reading about this Boethius's wheel has made me feel better ... I have thanked the friend for sharing it with me

So no cortisone shot because the fluid he drained off the knee is full of blood, the knee has multiple stress fractures and I am on crutches and off work indefinitely. I go back Tuesday to get the results on the fluid and if there is no sign of infection I can have the cortisone shot and I will be seeing a specialist to get the surgery to clean up the joint but may have to think about retraining as I may not be able to drive a truck again ... or I can go back to long days and hard work in one of the big companies that have automatic trucks ...

So where from here ... when I eventually stop crying I will ring the union on Monday as I think I took out income insurance and pray that I did or it is off to centerlink and sickness benefits that will not even cover my loans let alone survive. Will ring loan people on Monday and see what can be done and stop paying anyone that I can ... Sell everything I can and get rid of the storage unit ... and do all this on crutches ... yeah me ... better dust off my tights and cape as I will need them.

On the bright side I have stopped thinking I am a wimp as apparently I have been working for weeks when I should have been on crutches lol ... Down sizing will make any move I do in the future easier lol and at the end of the day I will be ok because I have spent my whole life surviving and have had enough practice that surviving this should not be to hard in the greater scheme of things ... I will also finally give up smoking as I will not be able to afford to buy them so that is a good thing and can not cave in as I can not drive to get them ... should be the easiest stop smoking I have done lol.

So atm I am feeling a little sorry for myself but I will get it together like I always do and move forward because I do not know any other way to do it ... it will all be good

oh some big tough truck driving redhead I am ... scared to death of having this cortisone shot in my knee ... why is it I can have my lips sutured together, 300+ needles put through my skin, hooks put through my back and branded and yet the idea of this cortisone shot has reduced me to a teary, scared little girl ... I am sure there is something terribly wrong with the way I think lol.

well off work today as my knee is all kinds of f##ked up ... going in for a cortisone shot this afternoon and start organizing the surgery ... life needs to give me a break soon ... so hard to keep my sunshine and flowers look up atm lol. So another quiet weekend of resting the dam knee ... but life without heels and kneeling is a life not worth living ... so get it fixed and move forward ... and it is a beautiful day, the sunshine is there and the pool is ready so life is not that bad :)

Did not end up at the munch but followed some friends home to their place, they were leaving as I arrived. I had a wonderful day of lying around the pool, swimming and more lying around. I laughed till my ribs hurt and then spent an hour in the spa ... such a lovely relaxing day and I am pain free for the first time in weeks ... perhaps I just need more laughter in my life ...

ok I do not do boredom ... had enough of resting and being good ... going to the munch ... see if I can find some bears to poke lol. ... bored gypsy is trouble walking lol

I do not normally have more than 3 drinks .... my rules and they are good ones ... they keep me out of trouble (well at least most of it lol) .... I drank a bottle of wine and finished off the CS Cowboy bottle .... a little bit delicate this morning but very relaxed. Will spend the day quietly and ice pack and stretch but a lot less pain today and moving much more freely so perhaps when I go back to work tomorrow I will be ok. Feel a little sorry for the poor people I was talking to on yahoo last night lol

wine makes a good pain killer ... at least till I wake up tomorrow lol

Thank god it's Friday .... is it time to go home yet? 

Late yesterday afternoon I tripped over a pack of gutters while carrying a pack of down pipes ... I landed on the other packs and strangely steel does not make a good cushion ... woke up this morning in so much pain ... my left side from ankle to shoulder is screwed and the right shoulder that had the pack on it is not real flash ... it took 20 mins of stretching to get my body to move this morning and it is going to be a long day ... told the boss that I will do no hand unloads today ... not a frigging one ... kingdom for a long soak in a hot bath sigh

I DID IT ... it was awesome ... empowering .. it was everthing I expected and more .. I had my lips sewn shut ... besides the smart arses running a sweep on how long it would take me yo find a way to speak  :p ... it was frigging wonderful and a huge boundary push for me .. so proud of myself.  Do not know if I would do it again but hell it was frigging awesome lol ... ca not wait to get the pics xxx

OMG it is a beautiful day ... blue skys, sunshine and deliveries cm perfect and going like clockwork lol.  Now I remember why I love my job :)

I am tired and ready to go home and it is only lunchtime .. sigh

Am feeling a little out of sorts today, not focussed at all. Went to a large delivery and there was clutter all over the site and round the gate ... we are talking a 19 point turn and hand moving pallets to get in only to find it was the wrong dam site ... at least I realized before I took it off the truck ... I hate feeling like a fool ... sigh.   Need to get my brain working lol .. or it will be a very long day. ...

I have a very well developed sense of humor that I exercise regularly ... it is a sign of intelligence ... but often misunderstood as cheekiness lol. For some reason I make Doms very fond of bars of soap ... I personally have never developed a taste for soap :(

I had a Dom once say that if he kept a book to write down all my less than bright ideas he would have to call it Ben Hurr ... when I asked why he folded his arms and said it would be of biblical proportions ... no need to go into what happened after that but he was one who was fond of soap  .. sigh.

So I am putting it here that I am a sweet natured adorable girl and not really cheeky ... just a very well developed sense of humor :)

Oh FFS   not a good day ... I knocked over an old woman's mail box ... I have not hit anything with the truck in years .. mind I was more upset than she was and she ended up giving me a hug lol.   Back to work and please let this day improve ... and this knee support is annoying the hell out of me ... need to just tougb it out and get use to it sigh  ... please let this day end lol

My first lingerie party was a hoot and a total success ... except for my budget lol ... that took a hammering. But I love my new outfit and the stockings lol ... strange I can load, restrain, and drive a truck to wook wook, and not bat an eye lid over the paperwork or the delivery ... yet hosting a lingerie party turns me into a nervous wreck ... sometimes I am a worry ...

Ok I am living with friends in a large home used as a regular party/event venue ... You can not really understand the shear size of the place till you mop the frigging floors ... that and I leave really tiny foot prints lol. I am hosting my first lingerie party today and I am a little excited ... so looking forward to it. Should be a really nice girly afternoon ... though I think there are a lot of partners out there with fears for their wallets lol. Please let me have remembered everything ... I miss having someone to discuss it with ... it will all be good ... I have faith.  Taking a little time out to ice the knee ... it is not sore as such but that was a lot of mopping ... better safe than sorry ... sigh.

So my post dinner thought:

Someone put up 3 songs on another site for listening ... so I did ... the first "Sum 41- In too deep"  made me feel old lol ...

the second "The fray - how to save a life"  was beautiful

but the third "Snow patrol - chasing cars" ... omg tears and goose bumps ... hell yes ... would crawl through the desert, cross the oceans, and climb a mountain to have some one say that to me ...

"If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?"

"Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life"

this song calls to a part of me that starves ... adding to my play list now.

So the Dr. rang and there is significant arthritis in the knee (early damage makes the knee older than it is) ... he still wants the other scan but not until the swelling has receded so wrapped in ice again ... he thinks there is enough arthritis in the knee that a surgeon would go in and clean it up but I am not keen on that idea and think ... unless the scan shows more damage ... that I will opt for wearing a brace at gym and also at work when it is a problem and see how it goes. I do not want surgery unless it is really really necessary.

He is still talking about a cortisone shot but again I think I will try toughing it out and taking better care of the knee ... I am not keen on doing this unless it is really really necessary.

So I have a day of rest, it has been a while since I was home alone and nothing to do ... I am looking forward to it ... actually it has been a dam long time since I had a do nothing day lol.

hmmmm ok who thought giving the drug messed up girl nachos was a good idea, I even have it in my hair lol

So when I was 19yrs old I thought it was a good idea to yank on the huge wooden garage door when it got stuck ... it did not stay stuck or on its hinges for that matter and I did not move fast enough and ended up with both legs trapped under it. The right one survived with some bruising however the left knee was badly damaged. 30 yrs ago knee surgery was not as good as it is now and every couple of yrs it swells and gives me grief and I ice pack it and rest it and it comes good. So for the last 2 weeks it has been giving me hell, it comes good for a couple of days and boom up she goes again. The final straw was waking at 3am in agony ... iced it and went back to sleep. I got to work and it was not so bad until I tripped on the tray and twisted it ... very unlady like language inserted here. By 10am I was having trouble driving the truck, it has a heavy clutch ... so off to the Dr and then to the X_ray and now home packed in ice again ... mind those 2 pain killers he gave me are kicking in nicely lol (mind does not bode well for my posts lol) ... Tomorrow off to have some scan done and then will find out if a cortisone shot will work or if I need something more decisive .... so everyone cross your fingers for the shot please ... and that I can go back to work on Monday or my boss is going to have a melt down ... we are short drivers atm.

So I was talking to a guy at work today who rides a bike and he asked why I have not got my bike license yet and I was not sure what to say ... I have had my learners quite a few times and really there have been several times when this could have been done yet here I am yrs later and still no bike license. ... I think I figured it out.

I enjoy being a pillion so much that I am afraid that if I had my own bike and license I would never again sit behind someone. From this point I moved on and thought it is a bit like our journey through life, we all seek someone to share it with but in different ways. For me I want more than to share the journey, I do not want to ride beside him, where I control the speed and direction I travel, where I can slow down or speed up at will and then he has to choose whether to drop back with me or keep up with me ... this is not how I want my journey.
To me it is more than we reach the destination together, more than just touching when we pause or stop along the way. I want to sit behind him, put my trust in his ability to get us to the destination safely. If something goes wrong then I also want to share that, not be a spectator watching safely from my own bike as he finds his way through. I want to hold on to him and feel his body against mine for the whole journey, and I want to know that I will arrive at the same time as him. I like the idea that he controls the speed, the direction, and the destination of our journey ... I want to be his pillion not just his riding buddy? So like my choices in life my lack of a bike license may just be a reflection of my other life choices ... my little philosophical thought of the day lol.

I am having a really bad day :

Ok have cut my sugar down dramatically and very pleased. Weight loss good and steady now, eating properly (mostly lol).  Working out at the gym and at home regularly,  would like to more often but life is what it is ... so on to the big one.  So annoyed that I started smoking again earlier this year and time to stop again ... hopefully permanently this time. .. so set date for mid November and start cutting down today ... this time I will plan it and succeed ... non smoking is a good new goal :) 

Hmm got an hours drive to the depot and feeling pretty tired ... feeling good now but wondering if 2 caffine tablets washed down with a can of coke and a Mars bar may have been overkill lol.

I have been getting some rather nasty messages on another site from what I think is the same person on 2 separate sock puppet accounts ... troll ... I must remember not to play their game and let them upset me ... block button to be used quicker.

I know I am running a little wild atm but hey it is better than curling up in a ball and crying till I can not breath ... we each have our own ways of distancing our selves from pain and mine is to pick myself up (when I can  ... there is a time for tears that must be served if healing is to start) .. and throw myself back into life. It is complicated by the fact that in the last almost 9 yrs I have only been single for 6mths (and was seeing a Dom for 3 of those) and that was 6 yrs ago  ... I am a little rusty and quite frankly overwhelmed by the whole single thing ... so yes I may be running just a little wild but it is what it is and those that care about me are glad to see me smiling again and do not miss the way I was ...

People do not seem to understand the trauma of handing back a collar after 5yrs, it is not just the end of a relationship, the destruction of dreams and hopes but the loss of of your world,  everything you trusted in, believed in, loved is gone, it is not just heartbreak  ... it shatters part of your soul ... I could not sleep, I could not eat, I could not stop crying ... I lost 11kgs in 2 weeks, and could barely manage to get to work and there were a few days when I did not, one where the boss sent me home ... It has been over 2 months and yet there is still so much pain ... I choose not to go back to curled up and unable to breath, I choose not to let the darkness swallow me whole ... I choose to embrace life and distance myself from the pain ... running wild for a while does not seem like such a bad thing or such a terrible price to pay to retain my sanity .... I will not allow a troll to upset me again ...

Ok why do Doms expect subs to do tasks when not even met face to face ... let alone got to a point of any consideration?  And while I am having a little rant the next well meaning friend who feels it necessary to say I need a Dom with a strong hand is in sooooo much trouble! 

So has been a hard week at work and even though I was tired I went to the Spank event last night. I finally got up the guts to wear the purple tutu and it worked out really well and every one loved it so was feeling pretty chuffed with myself :)

The event was ok, nothing special but lots of good friends and I had a great night... except for the end of the night when we discovered some low life had taken my friends bag ... sigh ...

It was after 3:30 am when I got back to my car and I was too tired to drive home and probably over the limit anyway, only had 4 and half drinks but still ... so I moved the car into a cul-de-sac and got my blankets out of the back (yes girl scout), and got into the back seat. Well getting out of a corset and tutu in the back seat of the car was ... difficult lol. Could not be bothered with the fishnets and left them on. I put on my long singlet/short dress/nightie type thing I keep in the car for emergencies and a soft off the shoulder jumper that I had put in the car for the drive home and crawled under the blankets, curled up on the back seat and went to sleep.

I woke at 7:30am and had kicked off the blankets at some stage so stretched, opened the back door and got out. I am 5'9" tall and spent hours curled up on a back seat so half asleep I stretched again ... then I heard the laughing ... ok I am awake now ... look up and there is 6'+ in high vis chuckling at the sight of me stretching. Ok quick assessment of where I am and what I am wearing ... fishnets, bare feet, really short dress, off the shoulder jumper, last nights makeup and sleep hair ... oh shit. First thing reach for the hem and tug ... he laughs louder. Look around and there is like a couple of dozen guys and not one of them working ... omg it was not a cul-de-sac .. it was a frigging construction site ... oh god ... next choice is do I go back in the door and try to crawl over the console to the front seat or mince walk over the sharp stones on the ground round the car to the driver's door ... yeah I was on the passengers side of the car ...no dignity in either option but chose walking gingerly around car ... yes the bastard was roaring laughing by this stage and so were half the others .... mortified I am thinking I kicked the blankets off, nothing but a little g-string under this dress, oh god there men they all had a good look through the window ... so mortified. I finally get into the drivers seat and start searching for the keys ... he is still standing with his arms crossed watching and chuckling again. I find the keys and notice the interior light is on and reach up and switch it off and the bastard nods at me ... I am praying, promising my car I will clean it, wash it and book it in for that service if only it will bloody start. There is no way he is coming over to the car the bastard would have made me walk over to him and ask nicely for a jump start ... please god do not make me do this ... I promise to book a hotel room for the next event please let the car start.

Ok I am washing and cleaning my car in the morning, booking a hotel for the Fetball and a service for the car ... the blessed thing started and he waved to me as I left ... sometimes life is just so unfair ... bet he was a Dom ... he was enjoying the whole situation way to much to be vanilla ... at the very least he was alpha ... perhaps I should have given him my phone number lol ... could only happen to me ... sigh

Ok they have rent-a-hubby ... so why not rent-a-Dom ... it is near impossible to get into a corset on your own!

I was talking to a friend and suddenly relized that I am seeking ... I have come far enough down the road to start to crave what I no longer have. I miss serving his cofee and the peace of sitting at his feet sipping my tea ... it had been a long time gone from my previous relationship and now my soul wants that peace back ... I can no longer be content with the vanilla friend with benifits .. I want more... I want to be owned again ...I want the security of a collar again, the strength in my life that only a Domiant man can provide. I want to hear the words that let my spirit take flight "good girl" ... but most of all I want to feel the call of strength that melts me and demands to be answered ... it will happen and I will answer and a new chapter of my life will begin... I look forward to it ... For the first  time since I handed back my collar I feel whole ... time to start dancing in the rain lol

Huh the boss must be feeling guilty this is the earlist knock I have had in a year ...or longer lol. Running for car before he changes his mind lol 

So I have a sneaky feeling that my boss seems to be under the impression that aggro customers will not yell at a woman ... because I seem to get more than my share of them ... not only was today a 12hr one full of hand unloads but I went to a delivery to find a man so angry over his delivery being 3 days late that the veins on his neck were standing out. Unfortunately I had already got out of the truck when he stormed over hurling abuse and actually yelling, I told him he needed to back up and calm down (he was frightening me) ... I think that was the moment he realized he had backed a woman up against her truck and was roaring at her ... he backed up, pulled himself together and apologized ... I did the delivery and drove off, pulled over and cried. Now he may not have been thst bad but I have a problem with angry men ... to me they look probably 3 times worse because they scare me. He was genuinely sorry that he raised his voice.   I had 2 more customers after that, not as bad as that one but really pissed off at freight that was expected yesterday or Friday and I handled it, got the job done but I seemed to spend most of the day defending myself ... so I had dinner plans with a friend tonight ... I did not realize how much I was looking forward to his company until he cancelled ... stuck with brake problems on a trailer in the middle of the never never ... he is vanilla and we are friends ... with benefits so to speak ... but it was the last straw and I cried most of the drive home ... a sad excuse for a big tough truck driver ... really need to harden up ... that and educate my boss in the error of his ways tomorrow!

some days being single sucks ... would sell my soul to be wrapped in a strong pair of arms right now ... sigh.

 When I first rejoined this site I felt some of the profiles of Doms were a little harsh, even brutally blunt ... I owe them an apology, I am beginning to see why.  There are so many people on this site that after talking for a while end up being not quite what they first appeared to be ... no wonder so many profiles have become brutally upfront about what they do not want .... a little disillusioning that my own profile is also becoming more about what I do not want rather than the joyful search for that which I seek... sigh.  Perhaps in the next few days I will write a new profile that is closer to the joyfyul search yet still acts as a filter for that which I do not want ... again ... sigh                                                                  

Just a quick fantasy from my thoughts

I was enjoying a bush walk recommended by a friend for the wonderful rock formations and some unusual caves. He said to join him for a treat at the cave near a particular rock formation that he described in great detail ... it sounded spectacular and he said it use to be used as a place of worship of sorts. He was a Dom I had played with from time to time and I had always enjoyed his form of "special" treats.

I found the formation and could see the cave entrance a little way up the face, it was not difficult to reach. When I got to the entrance it was enchanting, on the left side was a small opening with water trickling out of it down the wall into a small pool. A note was on a rock near it. I went over and read the note .."It has been a long walk girl and I think you should take advantage of this pool and refresh your self. When you feel clean and cool and fresh leave your clothes with the note and walk carefully to the back of the cave. You will see another opening with torch light inside ... it is there you will find me and your treat." So I stripped off my hiking gear and stepped into the pool, it was cold but not as cold as I expected and there was a wash cloth and a small towel beside the note. I washed as if I was being watched as I was pretty sure he would be. I knew how much he loved my long legs and took great care to present them enticingly, letting the water run over my skin and taking my time.

After I dried myself I followed the rest of the directions and everything was as he had said it would be. I stepped through the opening and was grabbed from behind, I felt a fist in my hair and heard a whisper in my ear, "you took your sweet time girl, not trying to tease were you?". Suddenly I regretted my previous thoughts and actions and wished I had been a little less leisurely with my wash. I was turned towards him and that was when I saw the collar in his hands ... he instructed me to raise my hair and close my eyes, I did and then I felt the collar being fastened around my neck, it was soft leather but thick and felt strong as he buckled it up. He held my arms facing him and proceeded to move forward, forcing me to walk backwards. He was smiling, enjoying my discomfort at not being able to see where I was going, dependent on him for my safety. I thought to myself, I took way too long washing ... paybacks are a bitch especially when dealing with a Dom and even more so with one with as evil a mind as this one ... perhaps this was not such a good idea after all.

I felt myself pressed into something smooth and cold, stone? He lifted me off the ground and laid me on ...a cold stone alter ... my ankles and wrists were slowly bound in rope to cold steel rings, I could feel them pressing into the skin next to the rope. My neck was held close by that leather collar and clipped on both sides to more rings, I had not noticed the D rings on the side of the collar, and it was now just tight enough to feel constricted but not enough for breathe play until he slipped a finger between my throat and the collar to check how tight it was. He walked away just out of sight and then returned with heavy cold chains, he laid them across my body over my shoulders going diagonally between my breasts and then clipped them to rings near my hips. I started to get concerned when he took a piece of rope and looped it above and below my knee then attached some where out of site and used it to pull my knee off to the side, he then did the other one, forcing my legs wide, a very vulnerable position to be in. He looked into my eyes, leaned down and kissed me gently, letting his hands explore me. Then he stepped out of sight again.

I could hear something rolling? Then he came into view wheeling a rack up beside the alter, I could only just see it out of the corner of my eye. It was loaded with his toys, paddles, crops, floggers of varying sizes, clamps and a few things I could not quite make out. He leaned in again and kissed me but no where near as gently as before, his hands were more intent this time and his mouth left mine and started to enjoy working it way down my body. I felt his fingers work there way inside me and heard him chuckle at the wetness they found. He moved back up my body biting my nipples along the way. I could feel his breath on the side of my neck... and he whispered into my ear ... " Have I ever told you that I worship women, the delights of their bodies, the sounds of their moans, the pleasure of their screams, the sight of their juices flowing down their thighs?" .. he stood up and looked down on me. He could see the slight fear in my eyes, but also the heat and the hunger he had placed there. He seemed very pleased as he walked towards the rack of toys, his body blocking my view so I had no idea what he would turn round with in his hand. ... now I was only just beginning to understand his version of worship .... It was many hours before it would become known to me intimately how much he worshiped women ... and not something I would forget in a hurry ... nor would I ever want too.

3 new pics ... am enjoying having new pics lol

up go the first three pics from my photo shoot ... sooo happy

I had the most awesome time ... friend of mine is an amateur photographer and offered to do a shoot. I have seen some of her work and it rocks so hell yeah.

She got me to do all the nude poses she has been wanting to work on and some interesting stuff with different props (real props not sex toys lol) and some of them look like they are going to be really nice. I picked 3 that she said she would get ready first so I can post something and not burst lol ... but the rest will take a week or two to sort out. Her husband did a little bit of rope for one of the shots ... and omg I had forgotten how much I enjoy rope , I had also forgotten how much I enjoy being posed ... obviously this was different from posing for a Dom but still it made me remember what it was like and how much I enjoyed it ... was a long time ago but suddenly all those memories are there and fresh again ... it was fun.

Can not wait to get my pics ... hmmm patience is a virtue lol

hmmm either married (which is too complicated for me), live too far away, unwilling to meet in a public place (red flag) or they are not interested  ... sigh ... still in no hurry but would be nice to meet someone in real life ...

I had such a wonderful week end which ended with a pic called " it's an offer".  

Thought I would share it. Pic  no. 6 now uploaded lol.

ok took these half as a joke tonight, not really engaged in much pony play and not for a long time but they turned out well so thought I would post them .... what the hell lol

ok recovered from my maudlin mood last night (still thinking about deleting that post).

Going to the munch was a good step for me and it was nice to catch up with friends, but I think the welcome back, hugs and enthusiasm were a little overwhelming ... should be better next time. I was both pleased and a little taken aback by how many people were worried about me ... understandable but not really expected so perhaps I need to work a bit harder on my esteem and believe not just know that there are people who honestly care about my well being.

I am feeling much better about going to the event on Friday night now that I have broken the ice so to speak and now just have to decide what to wear ... I have lost 12kg and some of my gear is just not going to fit ... please god let my corsets still fit. Mind it is a good excuse to buy more lol. Now there is some positive thinking to move forward with!!!

So home in triumph after my first successful outing as a single sub ... I should be looking forward to a bright future and yet here I sit reminiscing ... held in the thrall of the past ... 

6 yrs ago I was here, in the formal area behind where I sit. There were tables and torches set up on the lawn in front of where I am now, already for the feast to celebrate my collaring. I wore a full length black velvet dress with a simple band of lace round my waist and a black velvet cloak with the hood shadowing my face.

I walked bare foot slowly through the gathering of friends and family, smiling at my daughter as I walked past her towards my Dom standing on the raised step. I carried my unsheathed Viking sword across both my hands. When I reached him I knelt at his feet and raised the sword towards him. He spoke of the warrior within the woman who knelt at his feet. He spoke of how I had raged against the world and fought for my right to survive, he spoke of the bond between us and that never again would I be alone in my battles, never again would I need to raise a sword ... from this moment on I would stand beneath his protection, safe behind the shield of his love. With that I offered him my sword and he took it from me and placed it aside.

He leaned down and pushed the hood from my head and raised my face to his and stated how my life would change. No longer did I need the harsh leather of braces to strengthen my wrists and protect them from harm. He took a knife and cut the lacing of both wrist bracers and I watched as they fell to the floor. He then replaced them with beautiful silver woven bracelets... the tiny bells tinkled as they moved, he placed them on my wrists and spoke of the beauty they represented .... the beauty of my new life. Finally he spoke the words from the scroll and then handed it to me ... I spoke the words and handed it back. He took a simple cord of woven silver strands and placed it round my neck ... He asked if any challenged his right to own this woman... after the silence he took a simple Celtic locket and joined the two ends of the cord together and locked it in place. He raised to my feet and kissed me, then presented me to everyone as his.

6yrs later ... I took the silver cord from around my neck and handed it back, I kept the locket as a remembrance because I could not bare to part with it all. I opened the ceremonial box and reclaimed the leather bracers leaving nothing but the severed cords behind. I took down the sword from where it had sat for so long beside it's sheath and re sheathed it and reclaimed it. I held the silver bracelets for so long a time but in the end I could not leave them behind and so I still have them. But where the sound of those bells once bought such joy, I can no longer bare to move them as their sound breaks my heart.

I wonder what happened to the woman with the warrior within ... the one that now sees triumph in simply being able to attend a munch. What happened to the woman who saw life as a never ending smorgous board with an ever changing menu just waiting  to be enjoyed.

There are so many things missing from my life yet the thing I miss most is making his morning coffee lol. I am allergic to coffee and the smell almost makes me gag ... yet it is the thing I miss the most ... sometimes I wonder about my sanity... we use to always joke that the proof of my love was that I served his coffee in the morning ... the small things hurt the most. I still find myself stroking my neck ... looking for my collar ... I feel naked and wrong to be out amongst my community with out it ... I wonder how long it will take to stop feeling like that.

I see the broken promises and the dreams that have turned to dust and feel so empty, so desolate and yet I still keep breathing and life still keeps moving and I still keep putting one foot in front of the other and pushing forward. I know it will get better and I know that I will be happy and there are times now when I am but still it seems like this will be me forever ... lost and not really knowing who I am anymore.

I want to stand on the roof and scream to the world "look I am here" ... but that would serve no purpose but I need to vent so here is my journal ... one more lost soul screaming in the darkness of the internet. Tomorrow will be a better day and with each day it will get easier and then one day I will be me again .... and then life will start again.

Right now I just need to cry and be kind to myself ... grief is good ... one must morn what is lost before they can move on ... or so they tell me.

ok my first munch as a single sub ... off I go ... wish I was not so nervous sigh