funguy2371

I recently thought about an experience I had almost a decade ago that was really the beginning of discovering my D side.  I was arriving at an appartment building to drop something off at my friend's house.  As I pulled up, I saw a woman hurridly putting posessions into her car by the armload.  She looked desparate even from far away.  I parked and entered the building and by the time I entered, she was exiting her unit with another garbage bag of clothing and other household stuff.  She was obviously moving out in a hurry. 

As I passed her in the hall, we locked eyes.  She looked at me as if she wanted to say something, maybe ask for help.   I remember very clearly how she was dressed and how she looked.  Slightly above average height, long brunette hair, brown eyes, fair skin.  She was dressed in a baggy tee shirt and cheap looking running shorts.  She was athletic and had kind of a busty, curvy but firm figure.  And the look on her face was unmistakable...desperate, scared and uncertain.

I dropped off the thing at my buddy's house (That detail-what it was-I don't even remember.) and again saw her in the hallway and again we locked eyes.  I wanted to ask her if she needed a place to stay since she was leaving her home in a hurry, but I did not live alone.  We passed in the hall again without a word and I left never to see her again.

Quickly a fantasy formed in my mind.  I wanted to take her home and have her.  I wanted to get very close to that body and use it.  I wanted her to obey me and learn to service and please me.  I wanted to absolutely have her drain me of all tension and anxiety by releasing me over and over again.  I wanted to dress her exactly as I like to see a woman dressed.  I wanted to do some other things as well.

After this fantasy formed in my mind, I felt guilty.  What kind of man sees a woman in need and immediately thinks about turning her into a personal sex toy?  I felt bad about that initial reaction for several years.  Believe it or not, this seemingly mundane experience (seeing someone more out of an apartment) made a powerful impression on me and I thought about it often for years to come.

But after a few years passed, with me still thinking of that moment regularly, I realized that there was more to it than I initially realized. Sure, I wanted to take her home and teach her to please me....but it was so much more than that. 

I wanted to make her safe from what ever she was moving away from.  I wanted to be responsible for her, for making sure she never had that look of quiet desperation again. I wanted to take care of her and be responsible for her.   I wanted her to learn to trust me, believe in me an desire me.  I didn't have just a sexual reaction to that situation, but a more complete reaction of wanting, even needing, to make her safe.

I look back at that powerful mental and emotional experience, as strange as it was, as the first real step toward understanding my D side. 

I often wonder where this woman is and how she is doing.  I wonder what she was fleeing that day.  I've kind of narrowed it down to two things.  She was either leaving in a hurry to avoid a physically abusive boyfriend or she was having some kind of breakdown.  If I had to bet I would think if was the former not the latter.  Those are really the only two things I can think of that would cause someone to look unmistakeably like they were feeling actual physical danger.  Even if she were being evicted or having a break up, she would not have appeared to be in such a hurry and as if she felt in such danger. 

Curiously, I do not wonder what would have happened if I had spoken to her.  The idea of just bumping into someone on the street and taking them home to live with you is pretty preposterous.