Funny how everyone wants a Queen until she expects to be treated like one...

My perspective on relationships:

Maybe its just the fact that I happen to be both a Domme and a foodie but I believe that relationships are a lot like food particularly when it comes to a D/s based relationship.

Some relationships are like opening a can of Spaghetti O's when you crave Italian. It might marginally fill the void in the moment but both parties enter having some predetermined expectation of what they want to experience with their partner and don't put much emphasis on the relationship or even find one necessary to get their fix. This for me, is what a "play partner" type of relationship is like....it might hit the spot momentarily but in my case, it just tends to make the cravings for something deeper rage inside of me leaving me feeling ambivalent, unfulfilled and dissatisfied.

If you've ever had home cooked Italian food however, you cringe at the thought of opening a can of anything to fill that void because for you, what you crave has to be a thoughtfully crafted recipe from fresh ingredients simmered all day letting the flavors meld as the aroma lofts through the house, teasing and tantalizing your taste buds until you sit down for a proper meal savoring every bite. This to me is a more serious relationship where both partners come to know one another and learn to play on each other's mind, body and fantasies as well. They have exchanged experiences, shared some history and some common ground, they know each other's secrets and desires and have developed an intuition about how to push those buttons and are familiar with each other's body and sexuality. Just as there are no short cuts to truly good Italian food, this type of deeper exchange comes only with intimacy over time and can not be achieved without an emotional connection that develops on some level outside of the bedroom as well. This can be a great relationship and it is where most of my relationships have existed for most of my adult life but there's a deeper level which I still long to experience...

The pezzo forte (piece de resistance) in Italian cooking would be to tour Italy sampling the cuisine of different villages. Experiencing the people, the culture and dining on cherished recipes passed down for generations that start with fresh herbs and spices, juicy, vine-ripened tomatoes picked from the garden and steeped in their own juices all day poured delicately over hand-made tender pasta, sprinkled in fresh cheeses grated by hand accompanied by crisply coated pillows of bread kneaded by hand and baked to perfection. The ingredients actually seem to marry together to develop their own distinct flavor depicting a specific region. This is like an ever deepening relationship of love intimacy and passion between partners where they grow together over time making a conscious effort to craft their own special recipe for happiness and fulfillment. They open themselves to one another. They don't just get into one another's mind, they learn their partner well enough to get inside the other's psyche (the conscious AND the unconscious mind as well as their emotions, sense of judgment and thought patterns). They have surpassed the fulfillment of mere fantasies and now create them and become the fulfillment of them for one another. They cede and wield power with synchronicity like a dance of flavors as a way of life and are bound in love together.

Maybe I'm a romantic...ok, I am a romantic...but my point is that you'll never know the depths of me by being my play partner. I want to know you, to open you up and expose who you really are to me, to explore you, to experience you in the same way that I want you to experience who I am. I want to build a history, develop trust, get inside of one another, play with you, use you, want you, need you, feel you, savor you, devour you. What I want can not be manufactured or mass produced like a can of Spaghetti O's, it has to be organically developed with whole, fresh ingredients, steeped and simmered and melded together over time and poured over all of the delicate, vulnerable parts of you. I want to know your secrets and to feed on your reaction to me. To be the firm hand governing you and the soft place of solace and comfort for you all in one. I want you to need me like you need food to survive and I want you also to fill my hunger.

So for those of you who don't put much effort into understanding relationships, maybe you understand food and can relate this whole analogy to realize that you cant have the extraordinary relationship with a Domme that you desire if you are only willing to offer the status quo in your efforts to seek and build that relationship.

Remember that much is expected of whom much is given....some guys will always be Spaghetti O's guys and that's fine for them but I won't waste my time, talents and energy on you if you aren't looking for anything more seriously appetizing that I can savor. I crave both the physical AND the psychological aspects of the D/s dynamic and I want something meaningful that deepens as it develops over time. I look forward to finding a partner who feels the same way...Until then, I wish you all the best of luck in your search.

If you use your entire profile to vent your bitter frustrations about this website and it's disingenuous participants, congratulations on missing the point of a profile entirely, not to mention voiding any opportunity to ever be known, desired or to capture the interest of anyone genuine.

If you won't fight for what you want, don't cry over what you lost.

INSIDER ADVICE FOR SUBMISSIVES

At the risk of being judged as jaded (which I'm NOT), I'm going to post some random thoughts and guidelines to address some of the frustrations that I have experienced while communicating with submissive men in my journey. Let's hope I don't have to continue adding to this in the future lol.

As a sub, you can choose to accept this information as ranting or even criticism (if the shoe fits), or you can accept this as an insightful tool to learn what NOT to do when contacting/being considered by a Domme....the choice is yours. My purpose here is to equip you to succeed which sometimes requires exposing the problem.

Unless otherwise noted, these are my original thoughts (though I'm sure I'm not the first to experience them), and you should know that all Dommes may not necessarily share my views.

1. If you don't enjoy being put in your place, don't step out of it.

2. If you can't handle being corrected gracefully, don't make any mistakes.

3. Do not mistake my desire for a loving, meaningful and mutually fulfilling  relationship for weakness....being an asshole is not a necessary component of my dominance and I am complex enough that I can be a quite capable Domme, a loving, intimate partner and a reasonable human being ALL AT ONCE.

4.  I am looking for a power exchange, not a power struggle. I will not tolerate

disrespectful, rude, ego-fueled argumentativeness from submissive candidates.

5.  If you get off on drama, pettiness, picking fights, jumping to conclusions, name-calling, saying things you don't mean when you are angry or feeling defensive and blaming anyone but yourself when you are wrong.....DO NOT contact me until you grow up. I am not your enemy....consequently, I am also not your psychotherapist.

6.  If you can not follow written instructions given to you in an email or chat conversation (especially when you claim to be an obedient sub), do not expect me to believe that you will magically be any better at following instructions in person when you don't have an entire day to read those instructions over and over and check for accuracy to get it right.

7.  If I send you 4 questions in an email and you only answer 1 (especially when you claim to be an attentive sub who only needs to please his Domme to be happy), do not wonder why I do not take you seriously. I'm pretty sure the Holy Ghost of attentiveness isn't going to roll over you suddenly once we are in a relationship together.

8.  Say who and what you are and be who you claim to be. If you have to pretend to be something you're not to seem interesting to someone, you really need to re-evaluate your life and no amount of being dominated is going to fix that.

9.  You should know that I say a little prayer each night whereby any individual contacting me for the sole purpose of getting his rocks off be cursed with impotence. I should also mention I've seen a lot of my prayers answered in the past.

10.  Don't claim to want a woman who has high standards and knows what she wants then when you screw up, expect me to lower my standards and to forget I asked.

11.  I am a Domme. If I seem direct, straightforward, expectant, self-assured, determined, relentless, impatient, indulgent and sometimes intolerant....let me remind you, I am a Domme. I didn't get here by way of rainbows and unicorns.

12.  Nobody's perfect....I'm certainly not and I don't expect you to be, but if you're not willing to do your best, you don't deserve my best in return.

13.  Keep in mind what it means to be under consideration. Your behavior, your ability to follow through on your promises, your consistency in showing-up, your attentiveness, your enthusiasm, your overall ability to communicate, your motivations, your openness, your obedience, etc. are ALL being observed and even scrutinized in this phase.

Make sure that you are conducting yourself in a way that truly conveys who you are and how motivated you are to have that particular Domme in your life. Pass or fail, at least you'll know it wasn't because you were misunderstood, insincere or underestimated in your conduct. A Domme will never make you a priority if you treat her like an option.

14.  There is nothing wrong with having your own needs and desires in any relationship. Having said that, your initial focus should be on what is expected of you and my needs and desires as the Dominant. Once I have communicated those to you, if you are no longer interested, your needs don't matter and if you are still "all in" trust and know that I am a competent Dominant and fully aware of my responsibility and the advantage it gives me, to find out what makes you tick. Do not approach me with lists or scenarios or suggestions of how I can dominate you until your needs have become important enough to me to ask you about them.

15.  I am a relationship oriented Domme. Do not assume that because I don't attempt to step in and take over your life, your orgasms, your schedule or your mind in the first few days of knowing you that I am any less Dominant. I simply don't care to be responsible for managing you or to waste my talents on anyone until I'm interested in moving ahead with them. I assure you, the more interested in you I become, the more controlling, possessive and Dominating I become. It is a process you will not be able to manipulate disingenuously and you will likely end up being dismissed long before we get there if you try.

16.  Be realistic in your expectations. I am often approached by submissives who want to be dominated in ways that are simply impractical to me and I'm sure it happens to other Dommes as well. Read the profile of the person you are approaching and save us both some wasted time.

17. Because my desire to know you in real life is genuine, this means I am going to direct the conversation to include much more than just your kinks and sexual needs/desires and preferences. If you can't give me as much enthusiasm in talking to me about vanilla topics and finding common ground in normal everyday life, it isn't likely I'm going to connect with you enough to ever see your kinky desires come to fruition. I AM NOT HERE FOR YOUR PERSONAL MASTURBATORY ENTERTAINMENT. The moment I think that is your primary focus, you will be dismissed.

18.  I love when I have a conversation with a sub candidate and we seem to click on so many levels. There's nothing better than that first exchange that imparts hope and sparks an interest in someone, but if you disappear for a week following that initial contact, do not be remotely surprised if I don't take you seriously and write you off as a one-trick-pony. Anyone can put up a good front for a few hours....but its consistency in your follow-through and your unwavering commitment to making me a reality in your life that will set you apart from the rest.

Here's how I "measure up" if you put any stock into "quizical analysis" I do feel that it's fairly accurate with the exception being that I have yet to explore my sadistic side to its fullest potential (I'm more into sensual, less extreme sadism at this point...which may or may not change depending on relationship dynamics/sub limits): 

http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Sex/poeticthinker/do-you-have-an-inclination-for-bdsm/

#

Dominant 93%
Switch 82%
Sadist 79%
Experimental 75%
Bondage 36%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur 32%
Vanilla 32%
Degradation 14%
Masochist 7%
Submissive 4%

This was formerly part of my profile but in an attempt to de-clutter, I moved it to my journal.....

Wanting a Domme is like loving pizza...while many people the world love pizza, everyone has a different style of crust, sauce and toppings that become their favorite...the combinations are endless!

Being a Domme is much the same and it takes time to find a Domme that suits your needs/desires/tastes because in the real world, you will be in a relationship with this person on some level and a large percentage of it lived outside of the bedroom doing vanilla things.

I always find it perplexing when a sub complains about a Domme wanting to know what the sub is "into" as if his desires have absolutely no bearing on the relationship. I don't care who you are, when your innermost desires go unfulfilled over time it will take its toll on the overall relationship. If this weren't true, most of you could just find a vanilla partner and resign yourself to the fact that she doesn't enjoy any of your kinks and consider that your most ultimate form of submission (good luck with that)! I think you're here because you already know that doesn't work and I'd rather not set myself up for relationship failure...I want to know what you're into. I will push your boundaries and corrupt you either way, but if you have strong fetishes for things Ive already decided I'm not into (and vice versa), it will never succeed.

Finding out what the partner you intend to spend a large portion of your life with is "into" isn't contradictory of my "Domme-ness"...it just means I'm smart enough to find out what's on my pizza before I take a bite. For example, if you have a burning desire to crossdress and be feminized as a woman, this part of you will NEVER be fulfilled in our relationship and sooner or later, it will end...most likely leave you feeling unhappy, insufficiently fulfilled/pushed/exploited and we all know how you love having your fetishes fulfilled, pushed and exploited.

The bottom line here is that I'm looking for a connection in and out of the bedroom, not for something I have to "settle" for in the meantime and I have no desire to have a relationship where both parties aren't fulfilled. This is after all, the key to relationship success! Don't get so hung up on being asked what you're into...even Dommes want happy, thriving relationships that both parties love being a part of!