Why do I journal?
I journal for a lot reasons...
It is a good way to conquer my emotions and a way to be honest to my Master.  It allows myself some freedoms I don't usually have and it is therapeutic. It's a place were I can find clarity and rehearse good behavior. I love Master having a constant link to my mind, he knows exactly what is going on with me at any given time, at any given moment. He knows when my submissive head space is strong or fading and he is always a moment away to help if I need him, as he already knows where I'm at.

The D/s journal is a pathway to creating a phenomenal relationship. If I did not have my journal I don't think I would be able to be as open and honest with my Master as I need to be. It's a hard process to allow a human into your mind and to know everything about yourself. But honestly it's the most amazing feeling when your relationship progresses to the point of being able to be completely open with no fear of disappointing. My experience is about growing and this I believe is one of the most important ways of growth.

pm shift...has my   schedule all messed up.

Wondering why he has  checked out...

I know it is something that  I've  done.  Or  something I have not done.   Will I ever  get it right?

ps  my phone   stopped  working last night.  I'll have to take it to the  sprint  store when i get off work   tomorrow evening.

My hearts desire cannot be explained by scientific method it is a desert in which this man has journeyed / He perceived yonder a utopia  within me as he dug deep into my well of lust displaying a geyser's gush of passion seething by reaction my core goes nuclear and radiates the heavens/ This climax clashes us together as derailed trains who's transport is two souls/ You and I explore each other daily ...Read all about us openly as a tribunal matters not for we are  in our corner of paradise liken to reincarnated phoenixes in flight with wings which drip napalm upon the battlefield of love/ I feel his Dim mak pressure all my points causing a electric relaxation of my heart mind and joints/ I soar into his open arms with open legs he rises to occasion as the sun on dew covered mornings / I awake upon his light not yawning but moaning death upon myself for i die anew to live for him..my hearts desire/

A dandelion knows it's place

to sit upon fertile earth

under the winds mercy

and the sun's grace

thus i'm here

and now I submit

full hearted

unto this...

this unification of mind and body...

that mix 

as  impossibly as war and peace

Yet sign myself into a treaty of ambitious submission with...a .... kiss

In other words....it was nothing personal.

A hit dog will holler....

The  old  saying suggests that when a person finds themselves faced with a reality where fault is  questionable, the person who is  quilty will likely speak up first.  Having said that, I'm sure that  there will be  many folks who will   to this  reality:

How in the hell do so many dysfunctional people think they can offer others guidance in their lives when their own personal lives are fucked up and they can't even maintain a relationship themselves?

These lifestyles are about realizing and  respecting that we all have issues and instincts that need some form of stable structure to do something better than what the vanilla world has to offer in forming more productive civil relationships.  

No person who is not  in a healthy and fruitful relationship is at liberty tell anyone how to run their own lives particularly  when their own advice has obviously not worked for them.

Too many people think they need to be too involved in other peoples' relationships when most of them don't even have a relationship worth bragging about themselves.

It is not safe for anyone to think that they can handle anyone that is not honest about their own dysfunctions enough to assist anyone else in building a sane safe and consensual relationship built on honesty and truth.

I Love You

Clarissa Pinkola-Estes wrote a wonderful  book called, "Women Who Run With The Wolves". The book provides great insight  about  the psychology of women.  In it she writes...

We are all filled with a longing for the wild. There are few culturally sanctioned antidotes for this yearning. We were taught to feel shame for such a desire. We grew our hair long and used it so hide our feelings. But the shadow of Wild Woman still lurks behind us during the day and in our nights. No matter where we are, the shadow that trots behind us is definitely four-footed.
These  words  resonated  with me even before I became active in this lifestyle.  Interesting  huh?

I thought of this  after typing in my last  journal entry and decided to share.

sexual?

It has to be more than sexual.  The curiosity into BDSm is what sparked all the intrigue and sudden sense of yearning.  Sex is a part of it though because I've learned that pleasure, pain, control, and submission are all elements of a larger process.  I am thankful for David for a couple of reasons...

1.  He exceeds my expectations and is committed to the process

2.  He wants this as much if not more than I do

3.  He is teaching me great lessons on control and how to take myself more seriously  (i particularly find this valuable because it appears that this is something that I should bring under control.  I think ultimately fine tuning this characteristic about myself will enhance me as a person.   It is good to know that  my Dom. understands and appreciates my light and bubbly personality, but it is even better to know that he wants me at my best.

It so sensensual having this warm flushed feeling all the time.  I wonder if this is OK?  I don't want it to ever wear off.

I've talked about my ideas on projection, identity, respect, admiration, (and yes...even love). Let them not marginalize my steadfast desire to serve and be dominated.  My need for submission is strong and desires to be nurtured.  My position is that feelings aside, I  continue to seek the growth that is attainable through a Domination/submissive dynamic.

By the way, have I ever elaborated on my masochistic inclination and corresponding overwhelming, longing for the experience  of the pain/pleasure didactic?

I am scintillating and sultry

subtle, smart, and seductive...

sensuous, serious, and succulent 

submissively saying I love this...

To the  pleaasure and the pain, your joy or disdain...

I'll  Submit

Whips, chains, ice cream..torture and  pain 

My screams

Frequent freaking...formatted by the desieres of your pleasure...

seeking, not speaking

closed doors or wherever...

I'll Submit

i only want to serve you.

Sunday December 8, 2013

I  am re-reading the  book,  The Curious Human Phenominon (by E. L. Masters)

In the book,  the author is elaborating on the socialization aspect of BDSM.  Specifically he has covered information on identity, roles, ranks,  and both structured and informal groups.  It has become clear that this "subculture" really isn't any different than any other social group in terms conformity and rules related to maintaining a group structure.  I think the main idea for this particular subculture is   non-disclosure, privacy, and confidentiality...for obvious reasons.  It was particularly interesting reading about the difference between roles and ranks.  The former being a position with duties and responsibilities that are transferable and the latter having duties and responsibilities that are not.

Just prior to reading about socialization, the author got into some really heavy concepts related to the psychology of the culture and answered questions about  motivations and why people chose the lifestyle.  The author clarifies the concept of identity in this section and stressed the importance of individual participants understanding self identity as well as the identity of their partners.  It is suggested that practicing BDSM actually offers an opportunity to tap into a person's "true identity". What is explained is that on a conscious level, we mostly operate under a false identity...one that is a projected identity of self (an identity necessary to function in society and under the expectations of society).  The "true identity" is very often suppressed within the subconscious.  

The way that involvement in BDSM activities enables one to get in touch with the true self is through catharsis, detachment, and escape.  For a submissive, it is quite necessary to be able to completely surrender to the whole process in order to reap any of the rewards.  It is possible to be submissive (have ideas, desires, and go through the motions) without surrender.  Without surrender, however, the experience is incomplete. Evidently surrender is not synonymous with submission, but is a very important part of submission that allows for clarity, relief, or even ecstasy.  Furthermore, as it turns out, masochism (despite its literal interpretation) shouldn't be about enduring pain but more about surrendering to it so that it allows one to open up to the benefits of escape, subspace, and catharsis, which ultimately involves a process of embracing the experience and transforming self (identity) through it.  An important idea is that in masochism, there is a misconception that pain is the end to a means, however in actuality, it is much deeper and involves a "a doorway" to something much more grand (e.g. self transforming, quieting the conscious mind and the false self,  and tapping into the true self).

Ultimately a typical and complete experience between Dom and sub involves a process of preparation, descent, resolution, and recovery.  Both individuals in the relationship experience the process, however in different ways.  I am actively surrendering to the learning aspect.  I do believe that my Dom is doing the same.

I was negligent in writing last night.   I hope that  by sharing this dream, I can make up for that.   I tend to dream about things that I desire greatly.   Last night  I dreamed that I was having a telephone converation with my Dom.  The conversation took place a short time after my Dom and I had engaged in some rather vigorous play.  In my dream, the conversation went like this...

Dom: I can't think straight when I'm this horny. I make bad decisions.

Me: BAD DECISIONS ARE GOOD ...Well they feel good.
Dom: Like what?
Me: Like the decision you made to let me sit on your cock and take it  deep. That one felt really good.
Dom: I love it when you do that.
Me: I love it when you fuck me like that too.
Dom: Your face has absolutely no expression on it. Then, your pupils dilate and you just start clamping down and yelling.
Me: I know you had to tell me to let go.
Dom: I'd have to tell you today, too. I'm Swollen...
Me: I hurt for days after.
Dom: You felt it every time you sat down?
Me: Yes I did. My pussy and asshole hurt.
Dom: But, you want more?
Me: I sure do.

All day today I was fixated on the fantasy  of being leaned over some furniture by my Dom and reluctantly taking him deep like I was his chattel....I actually couldn't get that thought out of my head.  I wonder if thoughts like this occur to him as well.   I also wonder if  the idea of me having these kinds of thoughts pleases him...

Not a good  day today at all.  I'm having one of those days where I am not feeling connected.

I feel like  I am in  this  world all alone.

I don't like  this feeling.

 I know  tomorrow may  be different.

I'll keep it short tonight.....

I thought this interesting. 

Paraphrasing....Impact play (to the extent to which it is understood as a type of discipline) actually transcends discipline in the sense that it taps into more profound elements like trust, boundaries authority, and control.

Yes, I do touch myself...

In describing my physiological experience as it relates to achieving pleasure through the act of imparting it upon my Dom.  It is important to understand the transfer of emotion during intimate moments. My body responds to the pleasure that my Dom achieves during our exchanges.  Although I always find it amazing that I can please Him the same way every time and he never gets bored with it;  I do understand he is a  "creature of habit" and that it just works  for Him.

If I may  elaborate;  hearing the vocal confirmation that is indicative of the gradual

building up of sexual tension leading up to the climax and then ultimately the release and descent causes a titillating reaction in my body that is quite undeniable.  Just as He never gets bored with the same method  of receiving pleasure, I am likewise never bored with hearing Him build up and release.  It should be said that watching him cum live and up close will be the ultimate treat.  As awkward as I am sometimes in getting started, I am still excited to be experiencing this intimate exchange with my Dom.

Specifically, the whole experience stimulates and arouses me completely from  start to end... 

I can feel the lascivious building up of  arousal somewhere deep down in my stomach and it wakes my entire body up causing this concupiscent desire to please, if for no other reason than to ignite that recprical effect that pleasing my Dom activates.  Most times listening to David cum over the phone makes me orgasm without even touching myself.  Even now as I am writing about the experience I am experiencing that carnal desire deep down which is causing uncontrollable spasmodic waves and surges down there where it counts.  There is this autonomic clenching that is occurring down there.  I hope this all makes sense to him.  I am not sure if I am effectively articulating what my body is going through.  Hopefully in his feedback he will let me know if this is clear. 

After each encounter with David I touch myself.  I listen to Him release and I imagine myself being with Him and pleasing Him.  I imagine Him grabbing, groping, and touching me.  I imagine him looking into my eyes with intensity.  I imagine His hands in my hair.  I imagine Him ravishing me, taking me dominating me....   CONQUERING me.  I imagine Him allowing me to put my mouth on Him and give Him oral pleasure until He is drained.  I listen to Him immediately fall asleep after He is satisfied.  As He sleeps and I listen to his breathing I touch myself and move my hips back and forth, around and around, feeling the wetness in my hand imagining myself lying next to Him, and I bring myself to a blissful orgasm.  This happens every single time.

Juxtaposed Thoughts...

It is probably wise to preface this entry with the earnest disclaimer that the element of sexual satisfaction for me is more of a means to an end.  My goal in my journey into submission is larger than the  temporary pleasure achieved through coital involvement.  That said, the body often demands more attention than cognitive processes allow.  Furthermore, these bodily demands have a way of taking over rational and intellectual thought and even manifest parallel to completely unrelated contexts.  It seems that as the relationship between my Dom and I progresses, and the more we discover about each other through our interactions,  the more frequently these juxtaposed thoughts occur.

 Considering my Dom's activities of daily living often evokes fantasies of the "what if" variety.  I once asked him what he thought it might be like if we lived together just to see what his response would be.  I personally fantasize about a 24/7 relationship.  In such a relationship, I imagine serving Dom on an ongoing basis.  I  think of greeting him when he arrives home from work.  I am topless and  dressed in a garter and fish net stocking with a pair of my sexiest stilettos on.  I imagine kneeling for him and waiting for him to tell me how pleased he is and then serving him his favorite beverage and us sipping our drinks and talking together about his day.  As the effects of the alcohol start to work, I imagine responding to a look in Dom's eyes that says he wants me to pleasure him and me immediately responding by helping him to undress and get more comfortable.  Knowing how he responds to my hands and mouth all over his erection moves me to release him and induldge in the most spirited fellatio that I can muster.  A quick glance up at Dom to see his face full of lust and pleasure as I use my tongue to flicker sensuously up and down the area where the head meets the dick shaft is enough to make me convulse with orgasm.  I then start to move my mouth up and down on Doms rock hard dick in a steady rhythm deeper and deeper until he cums in my mouth and all over my lips.  Making him cum this way, I can feel how wet I am between my legs.   I understand how pleased he is through the sounds he makes as he cums and the reassuring massage of his hand in my hair.  I make us another drink as he showers.  When he's done he joins me on the couch and we continue to sip and talk about his day at work and about the economic climate of our society.  I love listening to the tone and cadence of my Dom's voice.  The way he articulates his thoughts moves me like nothing else does.  His knowledge of economics and his perspective on social and political matters are intriguing.   As I listen to his voice as he speaks I am captivated...in my head, I'm thinking how badly I want him grab me forcibly and shove me face first into the couch and fuck me relentlessly  from the back while slapping me on my ass every other stroke.

 Formal dinners with Dom represent another fantasy involving  apposing contexts.

 As does a night of dancing. 

And a late Sunday afternoon car ride through the countryside  in the fall.

Perhaps it is appropriate to share those in another journal entry.

What I Hear David Telling me:  Wishes by the Bushel

I hear you loud and clear Sir.   In my own words this is what I hear you saying...

I wish she understood me. Really, and truly understood me.

I wish she saw herself as I see her.

I wish She grasped how important the smallest gestures can be.

I wish she saw the possibilities.

I wish I could help her see them as clearly as I see them.

I wish I knew for sure she wanted it as she claims.


Wishes are so...Ethereal. Reality is so rigid. My patience is so...Flighty.


When she is absent, I am outdone by her wanton indifference to our connection; choosing to
Chase...something rather than devote the minimal effort necessary to steel our connection.

Then she is present. and I am forgiving, understanding and patient once again.
And just like that...she goes again...leaving behind reasonable excuses...but still..excuses.

And Here I am. back at the drawing board. But to what end?

Guilty Pleasure and the Pain of Yearning

Lately I have  been having lots of feelings of guilt.  I feel as if I've been particularly lazy in demonstrating optimal submission to Him.  The most effective submission occurs when a sub surrenders to the process.  When you surrender to it all of the behaviors necessary to demonstrate proper submission shall follow.  These things I realize as a result of research and personal experience.

With respect to enlightenment through personal experience it has become evident that I will only get out of this experience what I put into it.  If my efforts are lackluster and inconsistent, then my fullfillment will lack vitality accordingly.  Of course this very basic notion has been reinforced by my Dom many times over.  I guess, for me, to truly process a particular concept I need to feel and experience it...this way i can fully understand its significance. 

It would be very easy for me to rationalize my lack of committment and blame it on outside influence, however I like to believe that I have some control over my own destiny, an so, elucidating and trying to apply excuses for my behavior would be more of a cop out and less an exercise in accountability.  My process toward becoming a good submissive is all about growth, and stretching boundaries so that I can develop and build character.  Being accountable and taking responsibility for my behavior is vital to my process, and I fully intend to deligently work toward developing these qualities.

This thing about guilt....well there are many philosophies.   A wise woman once said, "Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway."  Other philosophies  on guilt suggest that guilt is anger directed at ourselves or regret for what we've done.  Some even believe that guilt is synonynous with regret in terms of what we did not do.  Still others believe that guilt is actually the very nerve of sorrow (how melancholy is that?).   There are two philosophies that particularly interest me.  One says,  "guilt is absent when the act is justified."  The other is lavishly expressed like this:  "Guilt is the source of sorrow, 'tis the fiend, The avenging fiend, that follows behind us with whips and stings"  (Bless your heart for that one Nicholas Rowe!).  The interesting thing about the two is that  they are polar opposite in terms the way that I feel about guilt.  The former describes a manipulative stance absent of accountability (a notion that I have alluded to earlier in this entry), the latter is much more responsible implicating guilt as a natural response to impending punishment.  Of course I do embrace the latter stance on guilt as it represents the basic premise of this journal entry.

One of the most provacotive things that I can never hear my Dom say to me enough is "YOU BELONG TO ME, ELLEN!"  It is the verbal equivalent to having my hair pulled back tight and being forced down to the floor and forced into submission to serve whatever needs my Dom might require servicing.    Everytime I hear those words, or any variation of them, it just does something to my insides and wells up inside me causing shivers down my spine and a delicious fluttering in my belly.  It feels almost like being hungry, thirsty, and extremely horny all at the same time.  It's a yearning.  I think that this is ultimately the submissive's  internal need  for a show of strength and conquering....to be dominated.   My hope is that the articulation of this primal need  communicates to my Dom a simple message:  "Help me to do what I deeply desire to do..help me to submit to you, to surrender to you."

In case this yearning causes any doubt, allow me to make myself clear.  This need to be dominated is not merely a "want"        or a bratty attempt for attention.  Nor is it an attempt to manipulate or "top from the bottom".   What this yearning is is a primal need to be dominated. Submission is as fiercely strong as it is delicately fragile.  In my submission to my Dom I make myself vulnerable.   In order to release my submission into the hands of my Dom, I trust that he is strong enough to hold it, to keep it safe, to lift it up, and not to falter under the enormous weight and magnitude of it.    I also keep in mind that my process is one of growth and self-development within the relationship and that knowledge must be proven, not just once, but  consistently.  Finally,  it is necessary to communicate and share my development so that my Dom is always aware of my growth.  This  will assure that the hands which hold my submission still manage it easily  and that we still "fit."

9/20/13

Thoughts on Abandonment

 Why does this constant sense of abandonment make me  feel  so guilty?  Why does it render me bitter, useless, defeated, and damned?  What horrible act have  I committed to deserve this doom?  When I look back on the totality of my actions, all that I can recall are abundant acts of kindness (maybe mixed with a few acts of  self-indulgence).  Are these few and fleeting dissipated exploits the reason for my pain?  Could this guilt be punishment for selfishness that hasn't been realized? Perhaps this wanton, merciless guilt that I feel  (seemingly as a result of being rejected and forsaken) is, in fact, due penance for my narcissism.  Maybe I can stop the pain by losing myself...forgetting myself.  A very intelligent man recently told me, " Fantasies can either be a temporary escape, or become a trap; a swirling vortex that is hard to escape." This indeed resonated with me but in the spirit of intervention; wouldn't it be easier to forget yourself than to continue to endure the pain?  Surely there is no room for egoism in the virtues of a slave...

D/s is a game that's not a game. It is possessing the courage to listen to the spirit beyond what you are. As someone I dearly love said: Some people need not take life too seriously, you won't get out if it alive anyway. People say I suffer from insanity, but I enjoy insanity just fine. In a sane world, it is the insane person who rules. Love is a multi-faceted emotion that can transcend all other emotions, which is why when the most three famous words are uttered, one needs to be serious about the true, powerful impact they evoke.

So You think You'd like to take on a really smart submissive? Are You up for it? Are You sure? Are You the Man for the job? Let's look at this.

A really smart woman who also happens to crave submitting to her Dom (or being a slave to her Master) can be a bit of a challenge to handle. She certainly doesn't mean to be, it's just how she's wired. She is probably in a position of power in her career where she's used to taking charge, giving orders, making sure things are done just so. She's used to assessing a situation, analyzing the problems presented and coming up with a satisfactory solution to getting the job done. She has a talent for seeing through the bullshit and getting to the heart of the matter.

Carry this over into her D/s relationship This smart woman will see right through the wannabe Dom. She has no patience for posers and impostors, she wants the real thing. She doesn't suffer fools gladly, she likes smart, educated Men. She needs them. A wannabe dom will never get a handle on her, will never be able to control her, she will never respect him as she is able to see through his bluster and posturing. She recognizes someone who has learned to say all the right words and go through all the right motions but it's all an act. She knows it. She won't waste her time on these men. They will fall by the wayside.

So this narrows her options considerably. Only a really smart, naturally wired Dominant will do.
Oh, did You think the Dom made all the choices here? Oh hell no! Here's the thing, she's not the only one under consideration here. The Dom is too. She has expectations, needs and desires as does He. She has a set of requirements, as yet unspoken, that she will judge Him by. He will either measure up or He won't and she'll deal with that reality as it comes. But she will not settle.

So let's say that she meets this Dom who fits all her requirements... He is smart, educated, witty, charming and most importantly a natural Alpha male. Is He up to the challenge of her? If He is used to more passive women He will certainly have his job cut out for Him and He may just want to move it along. However, if this is a scary smart (dare i say "geeky smart") Dominant who thrives on a challenge then this thing just might work.

Be warned, she will not submit easily even though this is what she most desires. This Dom will have to be able to see inside her mind, slowly and carefully reaching in there and grasping control without her realizing it. Most do not realize the importance of mental domination and most are not capable of achieving it with the smart sub. It is a subtle and difficult thing to accomplish for the best of Doms. They have to be laser sharp, extremely observant, patient and masters of the mind fuck. This girl can see a mind fuck coming a mile away so for Him to achieve it with her is an amazing thing. If You want a smart subbie to respect You, get a good mind fuck in. Don't let her see it coming, just go for it, spin her brain into chaos and bring her to her knees before she realizes what has happened. She will be stunned and speechless in the aftermath of it but she will also respect and admire any Man that can pull that over on her. This is a Man up to the challenge.

He must be patient and methodical in his approach to her. He must appreciate and value her intelligence and not be intimidated by it. He must continually try to improve Himself as her Master to be able to stay on top of her (pun not intended but hey, i'll take it). He must be consistent with his discipline and punishment, unflappable under the most trying of circumstances (and believe me, she'll "try" You without meaning to, it's her nature). He must clearly state His intentions and needs, His "rules" if i may, and He'd better remember what He told this smart sub because she will remember everything He has said.

If this describes You dear Sirs, then perhaps You are up to the challenge. I guarantee You that if this sub is Yours, You will achieve a happiness and contentment that You did not realize possible. When this girl finds You worthy and submits to You and You alone, You will indeed be in possession of the rarest of treasures. She won't be easily won but she will be worth the effort should You succeed. She will give You her all, heart, soul and body, completely. You will never want for more.

NOTE: this is written from my perspective as a heterosexual sub/slave. i am speaking from my perspective as a self proclaimed geeky smart woman who has found it difficult in the past to find a Master able to subdue and control me. i apologize to any Dommes & Mistresses out there who i may have offended. Again, this is my opinion, my experience. If it offends you then move it along, i can't please everyone nor should i have to...

Sunday August 25, 2013

Full Disclosure:  Today, I do not feel worthy.  I   do not feel desired.  I do not feel wanted.  I feel guilty for feeling this way (for obvious reasons i refuse to elaborate on),  but I have to be honest with myself.  I feel rejected...like that toy that the kid suddenly got tired of playing with.  This feeling might change in an hour or a day or two days....WHO KNOWS?   WHO CARES?  MY THOUGHT IS:  REALLY NO ONE CARES.  Frankly, the way I am feeling right now, I don't even care if it changes.  I'd rather be alone than lonely. Although I am a submissive heart and willing slave,  I'm a strong woman. I am never a victim.  Being a subissive is not synonymous with being foolish and void of feelings or though processes.   I have the capacity to control my feelings.  However I am also an honest woman, and I acknowledge and communicate my feelings openly and honestly.  WE all have  insecurities. And because I am so self-actualized,  I may have more insecurities than the average person.    All I know is that at this exact moment, i FEEL LIKE I HAVE nothing.  Do i blame Master:  No.  Do I blame muself: No.  Feelings  are  just that; feelings, and this is just the way that i'm feeling right now.  THAT IS ALL FOR NOW.

6/12/13. I just posted 2 new pics.  Can you tell which two they are?

5/23/13. It was so good to see Master yesterday.  I wrote all about it in my journal (just like he ordered). Please scroll down to see the new journal entry.   PS, I might need help with the new pics that you wanted... *wink*

2/26/13.  Master gives me the best facials.  He loves to see it dripping off my mouth and face almost as much as I do.  LOL

2/22/13.  I'm always adding new photos just to keep it fresh you guys.  Master loves that I am an exhibitionist!

1/27/13. A submissive is something that you already are.  A slave is something that you are made to become.  Thank you Dre for helping me understand this distinction.

Update, 1/26/12...Rejection is permanently damaging to the ego and it hinders motivation and halts existential dreams and processes.  How does one recover from such devastation?  Is it even worth it to carry on?  I used to feel  like a beautiful woman both inside and out.  I always endeavor to be virtuous, caring, supportive, and even comprimising.  I work hard to make myself pleasing for men in terms of physical appearance as well as personal attributes.  I always  try to be kind-hearted, considerate, and respectful. 

Today, I do not feel beautiful. Today, I do not feel like I'll ever be good enough for a black man. Today I do not feel worthy of being loved nor cared for in the way that a true Dominant man is supposed to care for a sub. Today, I do not know how to feel. No pity party necessary. This is how I feel today and rejection is the blame.  Thank you Sir.

Update, 1/18/13...

 Wish me luck everybody!  I think I've found a prospective Dom!!!

Update, 1/2/2013...

Welcome to 2013 Everybody!   I'm  still feeling my way around this whole world of BDSm and trying to stay positive about it.  I've met some great guys along the way and I've met so rather disturbing individuals as well.  It's so interesting how when you change your perspective, you change your entire outlook.  For example, abandonment (and trust me I have been abandoned),  doesn't feel so bad when you decide to not take the action personally and rather allow people to be themselves without becoming emotionally attached to the action.  I do hope that makes sense.  Despite my experiences, I am still intrigued with the lifestyle and I am hopeful that I'll make the connection that I need.

My New Year's Resolution: I'm opening myself up for positive expereinces that penetrate all aspects of my life. Yep, toning up my mind, body, and soul!

I like the responses that use "it's like a dance" to describe what it is that the sadist (or the masochist) experiences, because even in my limited experience I have come to appreciate the energy that is derived from the whole dynamic. You feed off of each others' energy. Both the sadist and the masochist are giving and receiving something special all at the same time. It is as overwhelming to experience as it is to articulate.

Just a tiny example: I love the spankings. In fact I get off on all of the events leading up to the spankings and everything that happens afterward. When Master comes over I always greet him on my knees wearing something skimpy with some stilettos (and chain and collar, of course). We talk about everything and nothing. I ask about his day and he asks about mine. This  lasts anywhere from several minutes to what seems like hours. 

Then it happens: He starts to undo his tie and roll up his sleeves. This is when I know it's about to go down. I always notice something in his eyes and demeanor changes. It always gets me hot. Then he'll grab the collar and start to grill me. Soon after the spanking ensues.

Just hearing his breathing (the grunts, moans, and groans) and the way he responds to my cries... it is so intoxicating. Every now and then with a crisp blow to my bottom I cry out and he'll go "ummmm, stings doesn't it" ( or some variation of this). It is like we are completely in tuned with each other.  I always lose all sense of time and space.  The way he handles me is like poetry.  Every grope, every grab, or pinch, every  touch, blow or caress is perfect.  It is this whole feeding off of each other I am referring to...THE DANCE.  After the spanking I always enjoy the way he "floats" me. He always brings me back from subspace by re-living the whole experience....almost blow by blow, actually telling me what I was feeling and how it made him feel. I can always expect a whole new set of orders to follow, and this fills me until the next time we see each other.  It is also nice to feel him stroke my sore ass tenderly in all the spots that he so brutally punished just moments before. Sometimes, if I am being a good girl, i get treated with an aggressive round of coitus in the orifice of his choice. Each moment we spend together makes me want to surrender to and serve him that much more. Every encounter makes me love him and crave him even more...

Ok I need to stop, I am totally  missing Master right now. I do hope this all made sense....

Disclaimer:  Still waiting to see how he will use my new vibrator on me.  I refuse to play with it until he breaks it in on me first....ummmmmm

My Inner Slut

Consistent with my New Year's resolution, I have got to be more diligent about my work out regime. In case you missed it, my New Year's resolution is in my profile and it specifically says: I'm opening myself up for positive expereinces that penetrate all aspects of my life. Yep, toning up my mind, body, and soul!

I've been trying to work out everyday doing Pilates and yoga to keep me flexible for my Master, and doing Taebo for weight loss and strengthining. Life is so demanding however, and I have been slacking off a bit. Of course staying committed to pleasing my Master and obeying Him is definitely keeping my mind and soul toned. The experiences shared with my Master is so enriching in so many ways. It is often difficult not to pout and be a brat during times when we are unable to get together. It is so AMAZING to my how incredibly patient he is with me, and I'm often left feeling guilty about pouting and being a brat when I can't be with him. Thankfully he's always 2 steps ahead of me and is able to put things back into perspective for me (not to mention disciplinging me when I'm being a brat to remind me of my proper place).

Just wanted to put together a few words about my committment to my journey as well as to my resolution. Today I am making a concerted effort to make sure that I incorporate exercise into my daily routine, no matter what else is going on around me. I have joined a fitness class that meets for an hour every Monday and Wednesday. On the other days of the week, I will continue to alternate between Taebo, Pilates, and Yoga. That in combination with carefully watching my diet is going to pay off big time. I am already seeing great results.

I do humbly realize that I am far from perfect. In fact, to some degree, we are all fallible. No one is perfect. The virtue is in straving to be your own personal best.

Thanks to all of my BDSm friends for reading, for all of your kind words in the messages, and for your continued support. Please know that all of this is very much appreciated.

*Smooches*

So my Master might be  a lttle upset.  One thing after another has caused some distance between us.  I know he understands, but at the same time I feel that I owe him so much.  While it is awesome for me that I have ways that I can feel him even when he isn't around, he probably needs my presence more consistently.  Not sure how I'm going to do it, but I have to make it up to him.

In case anyone  is wondering I am collared.  My Master is the perfect fit for me.   We are both mutually comitted to this process. I know in my heart that we are a good fit because of His diligence and patience with me.  I crave Him constantly and I am fullfilled through obedience even when I am not in my Master's presence.  For example I was ordered to drive to work the other night with no panties on (completely naked from the waist down) with my pussy stuffed with beads.  As I drove to work I masturbated with thoughts of being obedient to Him and I experienced multiple orgasms on the 1.5hour commute to work.  Walking around at work all night with those beads there inside me were a constant reminder of His complete penetration of me.  My thoughts are consumed with pleasing and  obeying my Master and i realize that this is EXACTLY the way it should be according to my Master.  When I got home the nexxt day  from work i took off all my clothes and got into a steamy hot shower.  As the  water poured down on me I popped those beads out one by one and again experienced waves of orgasms as I fantasized about my Master watching me intently (as He always does).  The was the best shower I ever had.   I  know that my Master is a gift and I am so lucky to have been conquered by Him.  I look forward to a most delightful journey with my Master, because I know that things will gradually become more complex and intense with the TPE.

To all of my BDSm friends who have been so encouraging and supportive, please continue to KIT.  I love sharing my experiences through this journey.

Thanks  for reading.  *smooches*

My assignment for tonight was to pose for a variety of pictures in a variety of positions.  I was also challenged to speak openly about the experience of being dominated, forced and controlled here in my journal.

The first thing I'd like to express is how sexy and slutty I felt to be posing for the pictures.  I  also love the fact that  my physical appearance is so appreciated by Dre.  I could tell that he was excited to be taking the pics and giving me directions on how to pose. 

It is a special thing indeed to experience the mutuality that exists within a TPE relationship.  It might be difficult for some to even understand how mutuality can exist in a D/s relationship.  The best way that I can explain it is to say that there has to be a mutual  effort...both people have to experiece the appreciation of what each one is doing within their respective roles.  It is a dynamic involving energy and that energy has to be both exhibited and appreciated with equal energy and passion by both parties within the D/s relationship.

I posed for pictures while changing into different attire and while performing different acts.  I became the slut that Dre wanted me to be.  I was her and she was me and Dre loved me for it.  The main photo that I have inserted was mandated by Dre.  It kind of captures my mood and state of mind during this assignment.

Thanks BDSm friends for reading.

From my own humble perspective, I am an authentic myriad of virtuousness. I am the quintessential positivism of reality....reflexively empathetic and compassionate; almost to a fault. My sensitivity is raw, visceral...real!

I had the most amazing TPE video session with Dre today. I got to experience a bit of what it feels like to please and to be obediant. It was amazing to follow his every order without question. Some of the things I was made to do made me feel so sexy and so needed because I experienced what it is like to be owned and to be penetrated and controlled....to be CONQURED. Wearing the slutty attire for Dre and sitting in that chair in front of the camera and obeying his every command allowed me to transcend deep into my subconscious mind. I was free to let go of all my insecurities and expose myself COMPLETELY upon his command. It almost felt as if I were having an out of body experience. Slowly and teasingly peeling off my black lace thong in front of him with my ass to the camera and then grinding the chair was so extremely hot and erotic that it helped me maintain the necessary state of mind for this experience. As I masturbated for Dre as he had commanded and while he gently led me along with verbal commands it felt like I was drifting and drifting until I started having uncontrollable orgasms, again upon his command. Dre ordered me to stand up at attention with my ass to the camera in front of the chair (mid-orgasm, mind you), and bow down to him on my knees while reciting, "Discipline is what I need, obedience is what I crave". Interestingly, as I was bowing and reciting in front of Dre I began to internalize this passage and every fiber of my being began to believe this and I suddenly began to orgasm without even touching myself. The domination alone fed my desires and made my body convulse uncontrollably with pleasure. I could feel the passion and seriousness in his voice, and I knew that he was as turned on as I was. There was clearly an exchange and we were both experienced the pleasure simultanously: him being pleased by my obedience and me being pleased by obeying him. When Dre noticed this reaction (my orgasms), he immediately ordered me to stand up and sit in the chair facing him while fingering my pussy and imagining his cock going in and out in and out faster and faster. I was then ordered by Dre to turn around and ride that chair like i was riding his dick. And as I got into the rhythm of riding and my back started to arch and my clit was slamming against the seat of the chair I was once again swept into throes of orgasms, I was ordered to bow down to him once again. At this point the sequence of events began to become fuzzy for me, and I felt as if I was in a trance. I could still hear Dre's voice telling me what a good slut I was being, and I could hear him giving me various orders and directions, however I believe that I was so far into subspace that It became difficult for me to track the succession of things. Evidently there were a lot more acts that I performed on command that I am, unfortunately, unable to recall. Something like an hour and a half into all of this I suddenly found myself on the floor next to an overturned chair grinding and humping like crazy. I was spent and dizzy and completely naked except for my Yves Saint Laurent stilletos, however I don't actually recall removing all my clothes (not that I had much on to begin with...just a black lacey camisol top, leopard print bra, and black lace thong). Very patiently and with amazing grace and control Dre guided my back to consciousness by having me recite again saying "Discipline is what I need, obedience is what I crave" over and over again. My eyes started to focus and I gradually started becoming more oriented to my surroundings. I was ordered to gather up my things and go and put something more comfortable on...except for the heels, of course!

I know for some of you hard core BDSm'ers this might seem like a vanilla affair. For me, however, as someone who has not yet been in a TPE relationship and very new to this scene this was a very exciting experience. It felt like good training to me. I know that Dre has a lot more in store for me and that his method is to gradually get me used to obeying and appreciating being completely dominated and giving up my free will. There is this feeling of catharsis having experienced this with Dre tonight. I am still floating actually, and it is a very blissful feeling, if I may be quite honest with you all. I know that having my mind and my will controlled, penetrated, and manipulated in this way has certainly satiated my need to be dominated. I look forward to this gradual process and I am thankful for Dre's patience and time and energy in helping me to meet my needs through pleasing him.

Disclaimer: I realize I have been referring to Dre by his real name (or a shortened version of his real name), however it is worth noting that this is by design and quite necessary according to his instructions. His name is Dre, but he is my Master.

Thanks  to all of the senders of messages that I received showing support and understanding.  All of the feedback has been completely magnanimous and I am overwhelmed with happiness just knowing that there are  caring individuals out there that understand what I am going through.  I have been hurt by black men many many times in my vanilla life.  To know that i can feel this type of hurt in a lifestyle that I feel is so  ideal is a bit disconcerting.  One charming man even suggested that perhaps limiting myself to black men might be the root of my problems.  I have to admit that this notion has crossed my mind several times over.  Please note that  all of the support is so very much appreciated and it has helped me to continue to be hopeful.

Sincerest thanks to all of my BDSm friends.  *smooches* all around!!!

Projection....

 Carl Jung says, "The soul is it's own source of unfolding". I agree with this assertion wholeheartedly, however, one must realize that this very simple statement actually articulates a very complex understanding of the human psyche. What is implicit in this statement is that people are not blank slates at birth nor do we grow and develop according to a unidirectional path. The truth is that, not only do we grow and develop as a result of a combination of both nature and nurture (genetics and environment), but we are also born with our own unique personalities. As we grow older, this personality develops and our thoughts become more complex, and even more unique. Jung's philosophy further purports that the human psyche is self-regulatory (another assertion to which I agree). In other words, there is a purpose to the human psyche, which is largely a vehicle for maintaining balance (some might say, sanity). Over the course of a lifetime then, our personalities grow and develop according to its unique potential in a purposeful manner to maintain psychological health and wholeness.

 Naturally, as individual souls unfold we are further influenced by human interactions. In fact, the need for love and belonging is among the gradual goals toward self-actualization. This is to say that in order to reach a state of personal growth, one must first experience love and belonging in a manner which is healthy for that individual. In the absence of this goal attainment a person does not experience healthy development. Therefore, among more basic human needs such as food, water, and health; love and belonging become very important toward attaining higher needs such as self-esteem, respect from others, and ultimately, self-actualization.

 Initially in my process, I know that I was attracted to a projected ideal of what I thought a Dominant should be. In life (and love) we have a tendency to make relationship choices based on a projected view of what we think our ideal mate should be. Unfortunately, if we don't quickly learn to love the actual person void of this projection, we become dissatisfied and unfullfilled. I think that this is what happens in a lot of unsuccessful relationships

 My thought is, even in a Dominant/submissive relationships, feelings will develop inevitably. The cool part is that you begin to see the real person unobscured by the projected person....and that becomes the person that you love and admire. I believe this is the case with me. I wonder how this potential Dom feels about this...

Penetration

 What i'm learning about this lifestyle is that everything is so much more meaningful than what  it appears to be on the surface. The idea of penetration transcends the obvious and occurs on various levels. There is physcial penetration, penetration of intimate and physcial autonomy, penetration of personal space. Both fear and humiliation are forms of penetration. The idea is that the Dom is "entering into and stimulating the other, while at the same time experiencing the response of their partner". .....

More about penetration...

 The point I was trying to make about penetration is that it is more than just a physical act. It is actually a big part of the process that I am learning here. It is as much about mind, body, and soul penetration as it is about penetration of physical space, emotion, and conscious mind. The idea is that my Dom has the ability to know and access me deeply and trigger particular raw and visceral subconscious responses that are enjoyable and satisfying and then, further, guide me back from this sub-space to the more conscious, rational, and intellectual level of consciousness.

This notion helped me to better understand why communication is so important and why a Dom would make special provisions for me to communicate my thoughts and feelings to him at all times. Realizing that a good majority of communication is non-verbal is also very important for me to keep in mind because there are actions that I really need to be very mindful of, like tone of voice, interrupting, posture, attitude, etc. Furthermore, this understanding, as it relates to penetration and communication, is helping me realize many important things about relationships in general. Most notably - the whole thing about love in my opinion is that it is a lot of fluff. It is a highly romantacized, a bit too over-rated, extremely vague, and to a large extent, highly impractical. I think that this stands the reason why most people find it difficult to even articulate a logical definition and description of what love truly means, but I digress...

Maintaining an effective D/s relationship, to me, is far more alluring. Being open and honest with my Dom is liberating for me and it gives him information that he can use to make decisions for us. As a result, trust is further enhanced and a most fascinating and delisciously ideal relationship ensues. Despite certain barriers such as geographical distance, I continue to be hopeful about being conquered by the most fitting Dom and sharing a delectable  D/s relationship. I feel that a D/s relationship  would be so much more practical and satisfying than any "vanilla" relationship that i have ever been in. It just makes sense to me, particularly considering the whole process of communicating and being transparent. There are no role conflicts: I know my place, and I know when I have not behaved appropriately. I know that there are consequences. It's that simple. There is no guess work involved. It seems so logical and so simplistic that I find it hard to believe that I have not explored this sooner in my life.

I personally struggle with shyness and other insecurities and I always try to communicate these things up front. believe that I have communicated these things up front.  Verbal communication is a struggle for me for a couple of reasons. I have never cared for the sound of my voice for one, and for two, I just think faster than I speak, and often words just don't get articulated very well. I am flattered when someone tells me how impressed they are with the way that I write only because for me, it is one of my best forms of expression. I often wonder what people think   about the sound of my voice and the way I express myself verbally. I know I shouldn't hesitate to ask about this, but I feel silly (and a bit vain) asking.

I can't stress enough how appreciative I would be to be collared by the ideal Dom. I fantasize about growing to love the fact that He is so patient with me. I would have have the utmost respect for the fact that he is diligent first and foremost about communication and I feel that because of this, much of the rest of the process will fall into place accordingly.