as i sit here in the dark, lonely and confused. wondering if i can find someone who is not completely used. i ask my self " how do i cope?".  "am i at the end of my rope?". the light is getting brighter, fellings getting stronger. my patience growing thin, not sure if i can hang on much longer.  yet silence is the key to calm the impatience, if only i knew it made sense. i stare into the darkness waiting for the answer that i want to hear. not knowing the answer ,it just hightens all my fear. suddenly my mind is flushed, and all i can see is light. are all the things i've done in life wrong or where they right? i've treated people bad and made many sad. now i come to terms within this very lonely heart, wishing that i could take it back from the very start. forgive me for the wrong i've done. can i fix the things that i did back then? if not here or now then when? your forgiveness soothes me. thank you for understanding even though i am demanding. even though you submit, you have a strong wit.  smart and true that is why i chose you. i will never beat you down lying on the ground, to suffer mental stress that i cannot undo. this is why i wrote this for you. i will love you and guide you, lead you and correct you. even if it means i admit when i am wrong, because if i don't then this won't last too long. now the light is here and nothing left to fear. forgiveness and remorse has truthfully taken it's course.

today i will start looking for some land. i am gonna look down south because that is where it does NOT snow. hopefully i can get some decent money back on taxes this year to help buy some. maybe not because they are doing lots of drilling there. i may have to choose a different area. if any have ideas or pictures or have a small acreage for sell then please let me know.

i have to say, this site is a little discouraging. most slaves and subs are already collared or owned. i think the only thing to do on here is get info on the lifestyle. i think i have better chances on craigslist of finding someone. i am just ranting because i am bored and being selfish right now. my dog is asleep and nothing to do. i do wanna say that sometimes i wished i still lived in the country. it was so peaceful and just all around different than the city. i miss being able to sit on the porch nude. i miss walking barefoot up the street. i miss leaving my house unlocked and my truck windows open not having to worry if they would get broken into. people are so much more relaxed. not here in the city! one day i will own my little spot in the country. five acres or so would be just fine :)