eclipsedrs

Ok... this will be a short and sweet entry because it's more question than commentary.... 

What in my profile gives the impression that i might be into bestiality???  Or, is it there's a small pool of people into it and they just hit every profile they can without triggering the bulk mail alarms and hope the law of averages works in their favor?  

Seriously though... please, PLEASE, if there's somewhere in my profile where i've accidentally made the first let of every word spell out "bestiality" or word jumble within my paragraphs that spells "fucks dogs", will someone please let me know!!  I get at least a few a year but they always seem to be different people.  And it creeps me out!!   I know i know... my kink is not your kink, your kink is not my kink, why can't we all just get along.  But i feel that if you're going to proposition someone or engage them in conversation over a topic that is THAT taboo, i hope you have something more to go on than the person likes to wear a leash, happens to mention they love their dogs, or has a pretty smile.  

That is all.

*steps off of soapbox*

Ugh!!  I refuse to let me last journal entry be the first thing people see when they read through my journal.  It was a low point and i needed a therapeutic outlet that was safely anonymous.  So, now, i feel better and have much better things to do than dwell on low days.  The whole purpose of life is to learn from you past mistakes so your future gets brighter and lighter day by day, no??  So, here's to brighter and lighter days!!!

So, how about some positive updates....  

About a month ago, i agreed to be my friend's husband's (and no, this isn't going to seque into something kinky, mores the pity lol!) case study for his holistic nutritional degree that he's slowly working toward.  My friend warned me that he's blunt, straightforward, and can be an asshole if i don't do what i'm supposed to and don't EVEN think about lying because he'll know!  He'll give me orders and check up on me and be overbearing and set punishments if i don't adhere to the program he's created.  And she asks me, am i prepared for that?  LOL... if only she knew!!!  And, no, she won't ever know... one of my coworkers convinced me to read "50 Shades of Grey" and i got about a 1/4 of the way through the book before i had to give it back.  Talk about poorly written tripe.  It makes me sad that people think THAT is what the BDSM lifestyle is about.  Broken people beating on other broken people trying to make everyone feel better about it and just becoming more broken or looking for the "cure."  Anyway, my coworker and my friend were talking about it and it was all "i thought it was pretty good for fantasy... i mean, who the hell would want someone to treat them like THAT!" and "yeah, i'd never let any one beat me.  What kind of sick person needs THAT to make their lives better..."  So yes, she'll never know.

I've been on a pretty strict modified paleo diet and done pretty well sticking to it.  I get one cheat day a week where i can eat whatever the hell i want as long as i'm good the rest of the days.  And it's been working.  Without a whole lot of additional exercise (which is entirely my fault since i haven't been putting in the extra effort), i've lost almost 2 pant sizes and fit into a dress that i accidentally bought too small!  WOOHOO!!  With additional exercise (i'm working on that, i just don't do "exercise" well on my own because i get bored), the weight should drop more quickly and the muscles and everything will tighten up!

And yes, yes... i'm sure some of you are thinking, well, a diet is all well and good, but the minute you stop dieting, it's all coming back with a vengeance.  And, while yes that is true of most diets (especially the extreme ones), what i'm working on is less a diet and more a detoxification of all the crap i'd given in to adding to my regular diet due to stress, convenience and cost, and learning about proper nutrition.  I feel better... and if only i can figure out how to add more fun exercise to my daily routine, things could only go up from there.  Lifestyle changes help with mental and emotional changes and, eventually, i will have all the weapons in my arsenal to fix what i feel is broken within me.  Brighter and lighter days!  I'm painting that on my wall.

Oh and, of course, the immediate physical goal... i can finally fit into thigh high boots!  Omg, the minute that happens, i'm blowing the next pay check on a sa-weet! pair of thigh high boots.

**Please note!  This journal entry is a sad introspective of who i feel i am or how i feel i am... deep deep down inside, in those dark corners that never see light, even when you try to direct some helpful illumination that way.  If you like the spunky, witty, cheerful, smart assed chick in the previous journal posts, or in my profile, and don't want that person changed in any way, please don't read this entry.  It may change your perceptions, perhaps for the better or more likely for the worst.  This is therapy for me.  It may not be pretty.  You do not have to read it.  You have been warned.**

I am... lost.  I may have, maybe, fibbed a bit when i claimed not to be broken.  I think, perhaps, that i am... but on a good day, i can pretend that the word "broken" isn't even in my vocabulary.  What impels me to bring this forward, you ask?  Well, let me tell you...

About a month ago, i met a boy.  I met him initially online, and at first, i wasn't interested.  He was younger than me, not by much, but enough to mess with my head a bit.  Physically, he wasn't really my type... and he was a switch.  But, if i have the energy and the attention span, i try to reply to every one who contacts me (unless the message is unbelievably rude and overbearing) and so, we started a conversation.  And i found we had an incredible amount in common.  Where we came from, how we discovered this delightfully dark and naughty world, our interests, our sense of humor, and he even likes cats!  (yes, i have two.  Go ahead and run for the hills.  Nevermind the fact that i've never lived in a building that allows dogs, or worked a job that allowed me enough time to properly care for an animal that requires that much attention and care.  Bitter?  Me?  Noooo.)  But i digress... we decided to meet in person.  And not just coffee or a quick drink, but he made dinner plans... dinner reservations at a nice restaurant.  Sight unseen.  i remember trying not to get too excited about the date.  I'd been disappointed a lot and, while i claim the opposite, i'm really not a good liar.

It was raining... and it was late.  I was wearing what i'd worn to work that day, but i'd taken the time to straighten my hair and do my make up carefully.  I got there before he did, and i waited outside the entrance for him (not for very long, but unusual for me as i'm always the one who's late).  I watched him walk up the sidewalk toward me and i remember feeling almost this click in my head.  I don't believe in love at first sight.  I think it's trite, cliche and over romanticized.  It's ruined dating for many women (and men at this point i would think) and is too easily confused with lust at first sight.  But at that moment, i could believe in it.

Anyway, the date went amazingly well and we progressed to seeing each other at least 3 or 4 times a week.  I've never been so comfortable with someone so quickly before.  We could (and did) talk & laugh for hours and hours.  There were dates that lasted well into the wee hours of the morning and work was soooo rough the next day.  We spent a whole day cuddling & napping on the couch.  But it took a while for him to kiss me, to the point where i told him if he was waiting for me to make the first move, we'd both be dead before it happened.  But then he does and it was wonderful and he seems to have really enjoyed the experience as well!  And well, nothing progressed further.  We still continued to see each other quite a bit, made out on occasion, had fun... be he started feeling distant.  He said it was work and i believed him, but he still made the effort to see me, being the one to suggest dates, ask to see me.  So, there i was... confused.  On one hand, i was getting the "come here" signal and, but then there was this distance.  And, well, i'm not used to a guy not trying to get my knickers off 15 mins after we decide there's an initial attraction.

So last night, after him asking if he could come over 3 nights straight, dinner, and netflix, he turns to me and, with very serious eyes, says "Hey, we've gotta talk..." and proceeds to tell me that while i've been wonderful and amazing and "sexy as hell," he just doesn't feel the chemistry for a serious, long term relationship and proceeds with the break.  He was very gracious about it... fidgeted, said he cared about me deeply and didn't want to hurt me, took the blame entirely on his shoulders, and, of course, would still like to be friends.  While on one hand, i applaud that he at least took the time to end it in person and not via phone call, text, or email or simply disappear, i'm still incredibly confused.  But not just that, and thus the reason for this journal entry, but i can't help but feel it's still my fault somehow... that there's something i did or i'm lacking.  And while, i kept up the brave face and said it was fine, i'm not surprised, it's been a freaking month, he can't hurt me after only a month with limited physical contact and of course i still want to be friends, i lie (apparently, i'm a better lie than i thought since he bought it all)... i'm still soul hurt.  He's rocked my self confidence, my self-esteem, and it's dredged up all those dark dark shadows that i pretend don't still exist.

And so... i have to admit, that i'm broken.  Perhaps not to the same extent or ways that other unhealthy subbies and Doms in the lifestyle are, but broken nonetheless.  Something as small as this shouldn't have the power to shake my new found confidence, shouldn't make me feel this dark a despair or deep sadness.  Remember that part where i said i wasn't surprised?  Well, it's true, i wasn't surprised... not completely, any way.  I wish i could count the number of times i've been told something along those lines... not enough/right chemistry, don't see a long term relationship working out, you're a sweet girl, but... I think, all along, from the beginning, i was expecting the other shoe to drop, to be rejected.  In fact, i expect that from everyone i meet, friends, playmates, love interests.  And no, this wasn't THE incident that made me realize it, just the one that made need to write about it.  Over the holidays, i spent a considerable amount of time back home with my family, seeing friends... and the whole time, i felt that deep dark hole waiting to swallow me whole.  I was surrounded by people who love me and i felt like there was a wall of high density ballistic glass between me and the rest of the world.  It's a terrible feeling... feeling like these people only love you because you're family, they have to, there's no choice in the matter.  I KNOW it's not true, and yet... the feeling persists.  Then there are my friends... i don't really have close friends.  I have this unfortunate tendency to push them away, or i choose the wrong ones and they do hurt me.  

I feel like most of my life has been filled with pain and hurt, whether real or imagined.  It's kinda funny... my parents tell me, as a little little girl, i was an outgoing, irrepressible ballbuster.  I didn't take crap from anyone and, in fact, could be quite the bully.  I made friends as easily as breathing and could wrap people around my little fingers. But, from one year to the next, i became this shy, terrified child.  What happened?  I have no idea... i have no memory of it.  But i remember being in 2nd grade feeling like i needed to eat my lunch in the corner, or wondering why i wasn't like the popular girls.  I grew up terrified of being rejected, pushed away, failing... hurt.  It became a self fulfilling prophecy... i became codependent on those around me, basing my daily joy on how happy i could make Them.  I lived to please my teachers and my parents... i would walk across fire for my friends, and remember being devastated when they wouldn't do the same for me.  Eventually, i developed this outward persona of independence, confidence, authority, and exuberance.  One that is so believable, my friends (the ones who know i'm a subbie atleast) are shocked to find that i'm not a Dom myself.  It's a shield, one that's being constantly tweaked and strengthened... layer upon layer of defense.  It's pushed people away.  It's pushed opportunities away.  It's pushed relationships away.  And it's kept me in this little box of self isolation where i'm safe because i can only trust myself not to hurt me.  But it's lonely, oh so lonely... and still, every day is a struggle.

On good days, i can pretend that i'm a semi-normal, well adjusted, functioning, independent adult.  I will take the world head on.  There's an amazing future waiting for me, all i have to do is take that first step and open my arms.  I can do anything, be anything.  But those days are few and far between... the balance ranges from so-so days to bad days.  On bad days, i have to remind myself to care about myself, that i'm independent and don't need to be taken care of.  I have to push myself out of bed and know that tomorrow is a new day with new possibilities, that this dragging shadow won't always be there.  But it's hard... because i know that's all lie.  I care about myself because someone else i care about cares for me.  I conquer challenges because they'll be proud of me, and i want them to be proud.  They want me, so i want me.  They give me worth, and thus, i find myself worthy.  Because They exist, i have purpose and as long as They're happy, i'm happy.  And, i know, KNOW, that those are not healthy thoughts and that's not who i want to be.  But, i can't seem to destroy them.  Bury them, sure... but, inevitably, an earthquake of rejection, pain, and self doubt unearth's them.

And on really bad days... days that are as dark as a full solar eclipse, when nothing exists but the pain and tears are so close to the surface... those days, the temptation to lay down and just let it all go is unbearable.  It calls like a siren, singing of peace, freedom, nothingness.  That step that should have been a door to new and exciting things, instead is a step to the edge of oblivion where the dark isn't something to fear but to be embraced, that will cushion and cradle, and in that sweet nothing, all of it will disappear.  

So, why does all that convince me that i'm broken?  Those are relatively normal feelings to have... it's called depression and thousands of people suffer from varying degrees of it.  There are therapies that deal with all that, ranging from a good friend with a good ear all the way to pharmaceutical cocktails and $500 an hour therapists.  That's not why i think i'm broken, at least not the main reason.  No, the reason i feel i'm broken... other than the utter ease to which you can break me down (hell, i can break me down) to that level... to compensate, i've taught myself to fear happiness.  I won't let myself become too happy, to experience joy.  To avoid rejection, i've closed myself off.  I will not make the first move, in almost anything.  I'm afraid to touch, to reach out, to open up and make myself vulnerable.  I don't cry, ever, unless i really truly can't stop it... and because i've given in to something so weak, i hate myself more.  I've become jaded and cynical (remember that whole thing about not believing in love at first sight?  Yeah, that wasn't always the case, sappy romantic at heart that i am.)  In new situations, i wait to see how the other person acts so i can tailor my shield to be the most acceptable.  I don't know how to live in the moment.  And the closest thing i've found to peace, is going on a long hike on my own, where there is no one around for miles... or in the middle of a long dance, where i can shut out everyone else around me and just feel the pulse of the music resonate through my soul. 

And, the worst part, as if all the above ugliness isn't bad enough... i don't know how to fix it.  Sometimes, i feel like if i could find that one person i could belong to, everything will be all right.  But, 1) that's only going to make things worse because i'm idealizing and will be devastated the moment something goes wrong, and 2) that's a horrible pressure to put on someone, even if they don't know it, especially if they don't know it.  I tried therapy once in college.  My friend made me... she said i could either take myself or she'd call 911 and have me admitted as a danger to myself and those around me.  It worked for a little while until it became a crutch.  And yet, i find i feel a little better.  It's not the end of the world, there's nothing wrong with me that can't be fixed with a little bit of hard work, and tomorrow morning, i'm going to get my ass up early and take my bike out for a good long ride.  And realize, that no one has ever fixed all their problems all at once, at the same time.  One day, it will all be right.  I just have to keep faith that it will happen and take each day as it comes, one step at a time.   

Thank you for listening.

Venting!!  I am venting!!!  So please don't take this as my general view of people in general... or maybe do, because really, what is venting than railing against one's general view of people...

I am a failure for the entire female gender.  Or well, maybe not the ENTIRE female gender, just females who consider themselves girls and embody all things that most girls seem to come by naturally and who think other girls have that inborn well of knowledge but just refuse to understand how to use it.  I've said more than once that i'm not much of a girl... i preface most conversations with new people with that... like a public service announcement.  I'm much more direct, i don't understand or take hints well, and i don't know how to flirt!!!!  Yes, it's true.  I really don't.  It won't occur to me to peer at you from the corner of my eye or angle my body toward you or casually touch you in some way or any of the HUNDREDS of little moves most girls do to let that someone know they're... willing to be caught.  I've never been the, "Hey there, buy me a drink, won'tcha" kind of girl.  I don't understand how to make that work without sounding completely retarded.  What is flirting anyway?  In my mind, flirting is a subtle and indirect way of letting someone your interested in know that you could maybe be possibly interested... a way of creating mystery that invariably causes the other person have to get to know you and flirt back.  Isn't that what it is???  It's an invisible flag people wave to indicate they're receptive and then it becomes a subtle weapon in the warfare of love, hormones, and life.  But apparently, i was born disarmed!  I feel like SUCH a failure...  In a way, it's a good thing.  I'm not into the games most girls play.  But on the other hand, i'm too much of a chicken shit to be completely direct.  And well, as much as i fight against my uber conservative upbringing, i'm girl enough to not be able to make the first move, or ask someone out.  And, well if i'm being honest with myself, i've been rejected and hurt enough in the past, that i'm not willing (able?) to put myself out there first.  I wait and reciprocate rather than jump first.  I wonder if part of that is what fuels the submissive in me.  Maybe it's all about confidence?  One of my very good friends tells me time and again, that i would be, could be an amazing Domme if only i had more confidence in myself.  I'm so afraid of making a mistake or being wrong that i'm not willing to try and see if i could be right.  Jeebus, it all makes me want to run away into the desert and be a hermit.  Just me, the squirrels, the wide open spaces, the lack of people, and the internet.  Oh ho, what was that?  There's no internet in the desert?  Crap.

So what do i do?  How do i get over this?  How do i get rid of the crippling shyness?  The terrifying uncertainty?  What's the best way of saying yes, i like you, do you like me WITHOUT actually saying it?  Or, how can you tell if the OTHER person isn't interested without completely embarrassing yourself????  I talk to my girl friends and they all look at me like i'm an idiot and they say, "omg, it's so easy.  Like breathing.  How is it possible you can't do this???"  When asked, which is more terrifying, a first date or a first interview... hands down, the date always wins.  With an interview, i know what i have to offer and i know i'm good at what i do and i'm either a good fit for the company or not and if not then, well it's your loss.  I understand dating is the same basic idea but...  I... i hate dating.  I hate the uncertainty, the indecision... and sometimes, the superficiality of it all.  Am i perfect?  No.  Are there things about me that i would change and improve?  Sure.  But overall, I'm okay with me.  It took me a while to get here and i'm proud of the strides i'd made.  But that inability to understand and participate in a part of humanity that has been around since dawn of man (in one form or another) makes me feel like a failure... and while that's normally unacceptable, in this case i really don't know what to do (other than become a hermit, which i really don't think would solve anything) to fix it.

*sigh* And so... i feel better.  That needed to come out and i'll be able to sleep.  Ha, now i feel kind of stupid for putting it all on here... for a bunch of strangers to read for their own personal enjoyment.  Oh well, never say i didn't do anything for mankind... well, the kinky net based ones anyway.  Good night.

I've recently fallen on hard times... the economy has kicked my ass, almost literally.  I've been laid off from 2 jobs, both in my field, and i find i don't want to go back.  Not go back to work... without some purpose in my life, i suppose i would go crazy... but go back to what i used to do.  There's no challenge, no diversity, and the people ARE crazy.  I find that there are more important things to life than constantly stressing about work when you're not at work just to make a few more bucks than at another job.  But, well, one of the challenges of being an artist are there are not a lot in the way of other professions open to you.  Nothing against waiting tables and other service type jobs, but i'm too old to live from paycheck to paycheck.  And before anyone freaks about my asking for a handout or to be taken care of... i pay my own way and i take care of myself.  The journals, for me, are mostly vent and way of talking to universe in general.

So... i've had to give up living by myself in my wonderful, amazing, huge 2 bedroom apartment to move into a smaller, less amazing 2 bedroom with a roommate.  My roomate's pretty cool most of the time, occasionally acts like a 16 year old, but overall, pretty cool... but, i'd lived by myself for almost 2 years and it's tough getting back into the roommate mindset.  Now, the reason for this journal entry... my roomie is currently working as a submissive at the Dominion in Culver City.  When she gets work, she makes pretty decent money and, well, the work's not hard.  She's been, not pressuring me but... strongly urging me to come in and interview to work.  Now, the idea is kind of appealing.  Get paid to get beaten.  And, with being in the lifestyle, i was thinking, well, why not?  At least i am a submissive and while it is commercial, i'm not pretending to be something that i'm not, at least i'd enjoy it.  But, in a way, the thought also makes me feel cheap and dirty... and not in a good way.  I guess it could just be my conservative upbringing hang ups.  But, i still WANT a real D/s relationship.  I want a Master and, eventually, i would want to live in a TPE.  How would you feel about your submissive working as a submissive in a professional dungeon?  How do you feel about professional dungeons that offer a staff for use?  I don't know.  I'm on the fence.  On one hand, it's vastly appealing... it could, theoretically, fulfill a need and i get paid for it.  On the other hand, i've had very little respect for "pros" and i don't know if my self-confidence could stand up to the "competition" of the other girls.  Plus, not everyone is Dominant or has the capability to be dominant.  Some people are just mean-spirited, self-centered bullies.  I just don't know.

Ok... so i've got to ask.  Every time i scroll through this site (usually because i'm bored and it's fun to see who's around even if i'm not going to partake) i'll get to a profile that looks so promising.  Your words read like there might be meaning behind it.  I like what you're interested in, or your journal entries are really entertaining.  And then I scroll through your pictures and what it's nice shot, great photo, love the smile... AGHHHH! the DICK photo!  What IS it with the penis pictures??  Is it supposed to be a turn on?  Am i supposed to see your unflagging tower of manhood and swoon at your feet?  Your profile says you're looking for the one or you send me a messages that reads "Hi.  I'm not looking to hook up.  I'd love to get to meet the real you and, yes while booty on the first date would be awesome, i'm actually ok with getting to know you first" and then when i ask for a photo, you send me a dick picture.  Why????  If i wanted to see photos of dicks, i'd check out a free gay site or i'd ask for it.  The specimens there are amazing and there are so many to choose from.  Did no one teach you the general accepted psychology of women?  Men are genetically predisposed to procreate with anything on two legs that moves for the good of the species.  Women, because we end up having to raise said progeny, tend to take more time choosing their partners on more than physical appearance... and really, who wants to raise the child of a pretty, but very dumb penis?  Then you're progeny is 40 and still living at home.  Not to mention the fact, i don't care how pretty it is, if you don't know how to use it, then i'm not going to want to keep playing with it.  Maybe i'm on the wrong end of the spectrum, and in reality, the ladies love it.

But well, this is me.  If i say "yes, i'd love to get to know you, please send me a photo," don't send me a dick photo.  I've already mentioned, more than once, i'm not looking to hook up.  As far as i'm concerned, sending me an unsolicited dick photo is essentially confirming, in my eyes, you're a prick, care nothing for me, and just want to get laid as quickly and as often as possible, with anyone you can find to say yes.  If the photo is part of your profile (or all of your profile), don't message me at all.  I don't want to get to know someone who's bits have been checked out by any who cares to flip through your photos.  What's mine is mine.  I don't share.  And yes, that includes likenesses of your private bits.

It's been a helluva start to the month.  Lake Havasu was AMAZING!!!  I forget how much i love the water until i'm back on it and then i fall back in love all over again.  Add boat (both lake & ocean appropriate) to my list of things to get before i'm dead.  I think i might be going back with the boss for July 4th weekend.  And this time without my trusty sidekick (ok, well i'm more like HER sidekick, but let me have my daydream, ok?).  It's kind of funny... she's a wild and crazy party girl.  Hit after hit after hit on the dong bong (don't know it?  Google.com), constantly asking boys to spray her "titties" (her words, not mine) with water guns, serious dirty dancing with guys, flirting and almost going home with a "professional" basketball player, and all the while when back at our hotel room it's... "I miss my boyfriend, my phone doesn't have service, can i use yours to call him... text him..." pout pout pout.  I don't get it... she HAS a boyfriend whom she pretty much told point blank that he couldn't come along and pines about missing him, then tries to get as much attention for herself in the most whorish ways.  If you're single and that's your thing, sure, go for it.  If you're taken and your partner is all... "oh yeah, go get em' baby", then have at.  But if you're not single and your partner obviously frowns on that kind of behavior (and him being a good conservative Christian boy, he does), then why indulge?  Out of respect for him, wouldn't you go, have a great time, soak up as much unsolicited attention you want, but not be rubbing your boobs in other guys faces or generally making an idiot of yourself just so that people (especially boys) would pay attention to you?  I don't know... maybe it's because i was raised in a conservative family or my parents instilled really good values in me, i just don't get that behavior.  Or maybe i have too much self respect for myself to be advertising what i know i'm not going to give.  But, one thing is for sure clear... i need to go dancing more often.

WOOHOO!!!!  Happy Memorial Day Weekend, everyone!  It'll be a lovely HOT 3 day weekend for myself.  I'm heading off to Lake Havasu with my hot boss lady and some of the hottest women this side of the country.  And yes, i do actually mean my boss, and while i might be partying it up with some seriously amazing chicas, that doesn't mean i've switched sides (mores the pity).  I'm looking forward to letting loose all the inhibitions and getting crazy with little to no repercussions!  Here's to having a low alcohol tolerance, gorgeous boys and stunning girls in itsy bitsy bits of nothing, cruising all day and partying all night with people i love and trust!  I hope you all have as wonderful a weekend as i will.  :-D

On a more serious note... my deepest and most heartful thanks to all the veterans, both surving and especially those past.  Without your sacrifice and courage, my parents might not have been able to become citizens of this wonderful country.  I might have been born into a world where submission isn't a choice and where a bit of spirit could die at the end of rod.  The beauty of this lifestyle (yes, i said lifestyle for those of you cringing at the word) is we're given the choice to be subservient to another human being... and with that choice brings an immeasurable freedom.  So... here's to freedom and all the liberties, choices, and beauty that come with it.  And here's to those who continue to fight so that we can enjoy that freedom, please know you will always have my gratitude and support.  And for those who are gone, know you will never be forgotten.

I received a message today from a very angry "dominant" scolding me for being a fraud and telling me that i'm a waste of space and i give other "real" Cali users a bad rep.  All with colorful language and a sincere wish that mental health helps me before i off myself.  And, now i'm a little confused.  I don't see myself as a fraud... i don't ask for money, i'm not a man pretending to be a girl, and as far as i know everything in my profile is true, and i don't present myself as something i'm not.  So... what in my profile (because i'd never spoken to this person before) would give someone the idea that i'm a fraud?  People send me messages, usually it's a lot of "I'm a very experienced dominant and i've trained lots of girls to be good subbies and i think you would benefit from my training program" or "Hey little girl, are you looking for a daddy (insert mental leer here)", of which i'm sure there are lots of subbie girls here looking for just that thing.  Unfortunately, i'm not one of them.  Does it make me a fraud that i know what i want and have a mind of my own?  Am i a fake because i don't jump at the first offer of "dominance" i get or that i don't play with everyone who asks me?  Or is it because i have standards and rules for myself that i'm a little too good at following?  Yes, sometimes i even Dom myself, which if i think about too hard gives me a headache.

I give myself rules because if i don't, i find myself in situations i heartily regret later and life is too short to be regretting things that could have been avoided.  I don't play with everyone because it's a betrayal to my nature to submit simply for the sake of submitting.  I don't want to be one in a long enrollment list of trainees and alumni and i've grown up, i don't need a daddy.  I've spent my entire life trying to achieve the person that is me and by settling so i'm not lonely or pretending to be less than i am so i can fit someone's idea of submission is an insult to my parents for trying to raise me well, my teachers for giving me the best chances at figuring things out, and all those lessons i had to learn the hard way.  Damnit, i am equal to you!  I give you the power you hold over me.  I know you get tired of hearing "my submission is a gift", well, i hate to disappoint you but it is.  And... well, i've just realized that i'm whining and ranting.  Apparently it's been one of those weeks... and the week's not over yet!  But, despite the tone, everything i've said is true.  I am who i am.  I'm not perfect, i don't have everything figured out (although i'll vehemently deny it if it comes up again!)  Is it so wrong to want your other to be your friend, partner, accomplice, lover, and master?

I am not much of a girl... pink is not my favorite color, i hated The Notebook and i don't watch movies i know will make me cry.  I don't sit around all day plotting ways to make myself the center of all male attention, i don't play girl games (at least, not on purpose), and i can change my own tire.  I even know how to put the lugnuts back on correctly.  But that being said, i am girl enough to know i can't engage in casual sex and not have my heart broken.  And that is JUST sex.  A lot of people can, but i can't separate sex and BDSM or BDSM and my heart.  I'm an all or nothing kinda girl.  So please, don't message me if you're looking for a casual play partner or think because i've never had a LTR R/L dominant, i will trip over myself to fall blindly submissively at your feet.  On our first meeting, don't expect me to blithly say "sure, let's go back to your place so you can tie me up and do as you please."  Oh, and PLEASE, don't smack my ass until i've at least gotten a chance to really know you.  I know i know, it's round bubbly and begging for a spanking, temptation in jeans.  Please resist.  Yes, it's a lot of "please don'ts" and rules coming from someone a lot of people see a less than.  I'm a person first, a submissive second, and always an equal.  Do take the time to read through my profile and seriously consider whether or not i fit into you're requirements or if you fit into mine.  We'll both save each other a lot of time and frustration.

xoxo, eclipsed