dreamingdamsel

It has been  along while since I have written in this Journal. I am still with Mr. S. but things do not seem to be what is right. He is away now and feel that he has no intentions of coming back anytime soon. I miss him, but really feel like if he no longer wants me he should let me go...what to do???

First off I would like to thank those of you who have e-mailed your concerns and the new admirers that I have. Thank you for adding me to your world. The long weekend is over and it was for the most part pretty good. Mr. S is still home and things have improved. Since he has been home I have got to suck his cock daily :).  I enjoy that ALOT! Mr. S has become much more controlling and has recently picked up the habit of grabbing me by my hair. Mr. S is due to leave again soon...some concerns about this. I do not do well alone with my own thoughts and Mr. S is not good about long distance communications....

Mr. S finally came home on friday.  I am having serious doubts about my relationship with Mr. S. I have caught him and he has come clean about some things that have occurred while he was gone. Trust is a huge issue for me now. Mr. S still refuses to let me go and needed reassurance that I had not been touched by anyone since he has been gone. I feel very scared and nervous about the state of our relationship and whether I should be working so hard on someone that I am not sure really wants me. 

Mr. S. still has not come home and is now saying Friday.  I miss him badly and need to cum even worse. I have thought about masturbating but haven't. I am home sick today so will most likely sleep. I have found myself crying in the night while I sleep since Mr. S. has been gone. I have not told him abouIt this...not sure I will as it bothers me allot. I shouldn't be such a mess he is gone...I used to be such a different person but since the PTSD diagnosis I just can't seem to hold it together as well and so much more needy...I HATE IT!

extremely  bored and waiting for Mr. S. to call...I have completed some homework and prepared for the next class I have at school. I cannot stop thinking about sucking Mr. S's cock when he comes home which is supposed to be tomorrow. I want to masturbate. Anyway, I find myself moving quickly through the chores I need to do and having lots of time on my hands. Cannot stand to be apart from him...this sucks :(

Mr. S.  has been away for a few days now and I am very depressed...I miss my owner badly..I am experiencing severe episodes of doudt and wish he would come home soon. I have not had the pleasure of my owners coc k in my mouth for what seems an eternity.  Phone calls do not seem to help with the overwhelming desire to just have him in my mouth. I have completed many chores around the house since he has left. I found mycself very upset with him friday night and am not sure that our relationship can withstand what he did friday evening...time will tell. Since he has become sober he verbally commits himself to me but i find myself doubtful as i feel he is hiding things from me.

It has been a long while since I have posted here...very busy. My owner has been living with me for about 3 months now and things for the most part have been well. It will be nice when financial things improve and there is less stress in our lives. We talk often about a girl and I truely hope to be able to provide my owner with this treat one day.  It seems so long since I began this journal that I almost forget why...to document my journal with my owner. He is still a vanilla guy and does not fully understand just how much of a dominant man he is and how he lives each day as so. While my owner does not demand from me ...just a look lets me know what he wishes.

I saw Mr.S. last night....I miss him already. I am glad to know that he understands that he is my home and that  I away I feel like I am being punished for some unseen trespass. I long to take care of him in my free time. I know that he is a busy man but I have a hard time not sleeping with him when I know that I could be. The longing to smell him and to touch is skin...to give him his bj's in the middle of the night. I feel like I am not serving him well when I cannot do these things. I have never been a patient girl and I want what I want now. Mr. S has begun to make major changes in his life and I can only hope that they will truely lead to our life together permanently in the future....

woke up...still tired but unable to sleep. No word from Mr. S. last night and I don't expect to hear from him again anytime soon. My fears are large today and perhaps given the anniversary today marks it might be for the best. I am just tired...

my how time flies. I have not logged in here in almost 2 weeks. Most of my time has been spent in service to Mr. S. Today is the first day that I have been apart for an evening since my last journal entry. My time with Mr. S has left me in an extremely submissive mode. I find that my need to serve him grows strong, and my pleasure comes for my services to him. He still has not left for his trip and I have stong fears that if he does I will not see him again for a long time if ever. Mr. S reassurmes that never will not occur but I do not believe him sometimes.. I have issues with trust and I feel at times that Mr. S is not totally honest with me at times...well honest isn't exactly the word. There are just  parts of his life that I am not allowed access too. This bothers me...I try to trust him but at best I am scared. I still look for a girl for Mr. S...he has become very specific about the requirements of this girl. He prefer she be between 18 and 30, blue eyes and either long brown or blonde hair. I laugh briefly as it is his fantasy...

ok ...forgot when my last journal entry was done. I have not seen Mr. S in two days now and he has not texted since yesterday. I was to go see him last night but he was out of town. I do have to wonder if he actually left for his trip now. I hate the silence and wish he would contact me soon. My week at work has not been a good one and I could us his touch right now. I miss him allot. My nipples are still sore from where he decided he liked the reaction he has gotten from pinching them. It is funny that his enjoys the pain aspect .....hehe...Mr. S. texts while I do my journal entry ....write more later :)

hehe...back to no contact from Mr. S again...makes me worry about him. I have been pondering the idea of another woman with Mr. S for the last few days. While the idea is very alluring to me, I have some reservations as there is always the dynamics.  More than just our relationship when someone else is introduced. Being a Domme is hard at best and I wonder how can I be both when in this situation, only because Mr. S keeps me in such a submissive space. I do however really like the idea of licking pussy with him, as well as my face buried in that pussy while he is inside of me .....mmmmmm just the though of it makes me smile and feel ever so warm.

As always I cannot deny that I belong to Mr. S and always have. Discussion with him this weekend about what defies a soulmate...that feeling that you have known that soul and the bond surpasses time and space. It it hard for me to admit at times that I would wait for Mr. S...forever if needed...I feel like I have already to a certain extent. I cannot help but think about how we would be now if I had gone with him all those years ago. Keep reminding myself...looking back only gets you a concrete wall in the face.

I am home again...I have been with Mr. S since friday at about 1 am when he called for me. We spent a very nice weekend in a very nice hotel room. Most of the time I spent nude and in service to him. We discussed a bit more the lifestyle but not much. One of the main things that we did discuss was the use of a girl. I am bi and very selective about the women that I would use. I consider the us of a girl to be for me a very Domme role for me and am actually looking forward to it if I can pull it off before Mr. S leaves...yeah still hasn't left for his trip.

So I would like to take this point to say that I am in search of a girl for us to use. For those of you who might be interested may email submissions for us by Mr. S and myself. I do not want Domme women and only full  submissive women may applyl for use by us.

I forgot to take my computer with me on friday as Mr. S texted very late. I have found to an extent this is beginning to bother me...I dislike that he will not consider at times his requests...but then again I suppose that why Mr. S owns me. We discussed at length the thoughts of ownership and how he has felt for years that I was his...and that I am his now.

I did have some issues last night with fears of being deserted by Mr. S....His failure to answer calls and text disturbs me at best sometimes. He will tell me to come to him when I leave him but then find some reason why I cannot go to hiim...this includes ignoring text messages and phone calls. Only to have him text hours later wanting my presence. I cannot deny what I am and I always go...I cannot imagine fully ignoring his as I wish to do at times...I do not think he realizes just how he does this and that I believe it just feeds his ego of his control over me.

Last night was the first night I have had nightmares when with Mr. S....

very tired again tonight...back to the waiting game with Mr. S. I have not receive a single word from him since monday.  I feel bad today...like I have done something wrong and am being punished again. Wish I knew just what I did. silence is killing at times...seems like the times I need him the most are the times when he just isn't there.

i just hate the silence and complete lack of response...

I have been away from my journal for awhile. I have spent most of these days with Mr. S. Out of the days that I have missed writing I have only been away from him for 4 I believe. My relationship with Mr. S have deeped almost instantly. While I still feel like I stand on the outside and am only let in when I am allowed I know my place in his life and will have to settle with that for now.

My time spent with Mr.S has been intense. I find myself in subspace at most times and as long as a text or message is received in between visits I pretty much stay so. I find I am very happy this way for the most part. It is just the uncertainty of the future that scares me. While there is discussion and he does drop ideas about what he thinks. There has been no talk about what there is in the future for us on how it is to be spent. I detest not being in his bed every night.

Mr. S. still has not left for his trip...I am not sure when he will leave. I have the uneasy feeling that he will just leave and I why will not see him again for a long while. Either that or he will show up at my house and demand I leave with him then. I am unsure about this and I know what the answer will be regardless of the damage it has to my career.

As always my most pleasurable times are Mr. S's morning bj's. I find that nothing makes me happier and more his than to do this service for him. I find that the touch of his hands make me feel hazy and safe,. The words to describe the feeling do not exist but safe and a quiet head is the best way to describe the feeling.

I did present the lifestyle to Mr. S. on Sunday. He was as expected a bit relucant until we began discussion reason why I find the things I do enjoyable. Mr. S always teases me about giving me a spanking. We discussed the nature of the spanking and why I find it pleasurable. I did tell him I had information I would like to give him regarding TPE and what it means. He said he was not adverse to reading it and would at another time. It is on my computer and he is reluctant to use it. I will be printing off copies of this information on hard copy for our next visit...when it occurs.

Mr. S has stated that i am to be part of the rest of his life...I just wish that our time was always together under one roof as my home is where Mr. S is...as it should be.

Still awake shouldn't have taken that nap today. Didn't have to wait long to get some communication from Mr. S. He texted tonight saying he had returned home from work at 1030, was tired and was going to bed. I was told to get some sleep. As we can see I am not doing that. Well here in a moment I suppose. I just had to share this last bit of news which I found such joy. Just received text from Mr. S...that he made mistake for sending me away today..misses me.  He does not a summon me. going to bed now as I can't standing thinking about him any longer and may well find myself making the drive right now, getting into trouble for going to Mr. S without permission, and then have to deal with being sent home with Mr. S. upset with me.

Perhaps tomorrow I will see him again...ohh the torture to have to wait to sit in his presence again.

Was summonded again yesterday afternoon by Mr. S. Spent last night with him, and was sent away again this morning. I do not know but leaving Mr. S. was very hard this morning. He still has not left for his trip. I was pretty much point blank this morning with Mr. S about being his sole property and the need to be in service to him as much as possible. When away from him I find it very irritating to do things for others that might have once brought me pleasure because I am not doing these things for him. We did talk last night a bit about being collared and chained to his bed so that he would always know where I was each night. Last night was one of the deepest sub-space experiences I have ever had in my life. Waking this morning and being able to service my owners cock at the beginning of the day was one of the most peaceful and fulfilling experiences I have ever known. I know that is why it was so very hard to leave this morning. I am away from him and having to deal with the feelings of coming up alone and this is tough but nothing new. What I wouldn't give for those arms to be around me now, claiming me as his. The sound of his voice next to my ear when he expresses his liking being called Daddy.

One this note. I had not really considered this before and was of interest to me to share.  I am a multiple personality and have never in my life been with any man that all of us would submit to and liked. There were always arguements in ones head about giving into or expressing disgust with some of the behaviors of the men I have been with. This make up of different personalities always made relationships difficult at best. With Mr. S. we have found that we are all in love with Mr. S., the realization of this last evening when being with him all was quiet in one's head. The sound of his voice in my ear stating his ownership over me, the feeling of his hands surrounding my body in a gripping hold,  and our discussions about his "odd" needs to control the one he is with. Anyway, veering off of my point. I have never been one to call anyone Daddy. I tend to prefer some other title of respect, such as Master or Sir. With Mr. S. calling him Daddy has just surfaced during down time. I believe that this desire and occurance happened due to the fact all of us love Mr. S. We all trust him and hence has earned the title no other man has. His love of hearing me call him Daddy is incredible and I cannot help but shudder a bit when I recall his voice demanding to be called Daddy again as I begged him to cum inside his body.

Mr. S. did state that he would spend a few days with me prior to leaving for his trip has made me happy. I am just impatient and wish to have him in my life everyday. My  slightly dominant nature has made me push my boundries this weekend and we will see how Mr. S responds to those. He's initial responses has been to be gratful for the interception of issues within his life, but we shall see.

Ending this entry as always, waiting to be summoned again by Mr. S...a girl does hope the wait is a short one...

yeah tomorrow is friday!!!! today was good however. Mr. S. made a very interesting move today. I do not really care about my personal cell phone and use a pay as you go format. Besides the fact that my credit sucks, I like it better. I do not get paid until next week and I have run out of minutes on this phone. I texted Mr. S today from my son's phone telling him if he needed to get in touch with me that he could call my work cell phone, the office, or text my son when he needed me. I got several text attempts from him during the morning, and finally at lunch was able to call and talk to him briefly :) (that voice sends me down every time). He had purchased minutes for my phone and told me he would call later. I had hoped that perhaps I might get to see him tonight but with the nice weather and a pending trip I doubt that I will. I was extremely shocked by this move, especially since we all know how I wait for calls *laughs softly*. As we can tell I am to be available by phone at anytime I guess *biggest hugest smile I can have*.

On another note...my lips have been very chapped due to repeated bj's to Mr. S..mm I love the taste of His cum...my lips are feeling much better today. Since this improvement I have found that my mind is continually wondering to thoughts of sucking Mr. S's cock.  :(. The drag of living an hour away from Mr. S. is that well...his cock is that far away to!

To those of you that have been following this journal I thank you for the kind words and I hope you enjoy the development of this relationship as much as I have been.

I am finally spending a night at home. I have spent every night since friday with Mr. S. I have been very content as his likes and dislikes grow more controlling with each visit. His demands of behaviors when out in public, and the need for others to know I am "his girl" is very prominent. He has learned to find pleasure in my service to him, and I believe fully enjoys the reaction when he receives when he calls me "woman" or "baby girl". I feel full and safe when I am with him and his ownership over me has grown so strong that I could not imagine being owned by another. We did talk some in general about ownership as most of the time we spend together I am contently in sub-space and openly tell him about his ownership over me, and comments regarding being his property and submission are answer with comments like "it's an honor to have that". I have found that he enjoy's light bondage, and light pain. Nipples are so tender that It find I am remaining wet most of the time :). it's difficult when working as it is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. Also, enjoyed being fucked while he restrainted my hands and legs with his body. I am so small and he is so large that it is easy to manipulate and move he as he wishes..and he does take advantage of that power....which is one of the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Anyway,  I have decided to mail Mr. S information on TPE and what it means to be a submissive and such other related information. I find that each time I wish to bring it up I become scared again due to the first reaction from him, even thought all the behaviors and charactertics are there of a true Dominant.

Mr. S. has returned to work and so again the waiting begins. He is due to leave town for an extended amount of time (90 days at least) and it has put our relationship in somewhat of a hold status I guess. I hope to see him once more before he leaves for this trip. i would quit my job, leave all of my belongings just to be with him and serve and care for this man. These feelings become so overwhelming that it hurts when I am not around him...i wish to cry when i even try to imagine 3 months without the touch of my owner. i have told him that i think it's best he goes as i believe it is, one of the hardest things for me to do but i live to serve him and it is about what is best for my owner.  i believe that this trip is what he needs, even if it means that i cannot be part of his life...i just wish he would allow me to fully become part of his life so that i can serve him as he truely deserves to be as my owner. perhaps one day my role will be complete in his life as his submissive and totally in his services as i crave it daily.

I must say that this has been one of the best weekends that I have had in a very long time. I spent the entire weekend and am just now getting ready to leave with Mr. S. While I am still to chicken to come right out and talk to him about this I think each time he see's me he realizes just what he has. This trip was interesting as for the first time he demanded I do things for him like pay the bill at the restaurant, get his beer...such things...it was ever so nice to take care of him. More so to hear him admit that he needs me....and he needs me to take care of him.

More than anything I enjoy the way he uses his body. This trip was much more intense with his acknowledgement of his need for me...that I am his and all that goes with my body is his.

I am scared however...he is leaving to go back home for who know's how long and I am not so sure that this will not be the last time that I will see Mr. S...at least for a very long time. I am not sure where that leaves us, and neither is he I suppose. That is a bit hard to swallow..unknown for me is a very difficult thing. I suppose that is why I stuggle with things now as they are...just to much out of control and I typically do not like being so out of control. I suppose that is why I have almost always ended up on the top side in my relationships as I was not willing to give up the control...I am not sure what about Mr S that makes things so ...other than his complete Ownership of me...body, mind, and soul. Each visit it just becomes more and more in trenched and it makes it harder to walk away...I think I am so far gone now that I couldn't even if I wanted to...which as any of you who read this knows...isn't going to happen!

Still very tired and sad today..not really sure why. Nothing is different, no word from Mr S....however I did neglect to mention that I talked to him  on tuesday for a few minutes when I was in his town. He was supposed to call that night, texted and said he was barely leaving work and would call the next night which was last night...of course no call. I don't know why I get sad when he says he will call and doesn't. He says he wants to but just never does. Some days it's hard for me to believe I suppose...perhaps today is just one of those days. My doubts get to me, my thoughts make me very sad. I miss him, and my insides hurt from just need to touch him so badly. Yeah...and I wonder why I am sad *laughs*

I am still very tired tonight. I miss Mr. S allot today. I find that the hardest time during the day and when I miss him the most is when I cook dinner. I wonder if he is eating alright..which I know he is not. I know he is not taking care of himself, overworking and of course under sleeping. My need to take care of him becomes so overwhelming it makes me cry...I spend my entire day taking care of individuals and the one person I long to take care of I can't. I hate this situation and wish it would change soon....

I am very tired today. I had allot of dreams last night and most were about Mr. S...I am finding I need to hear the sound of his voice badly  tioday, I suppose I could call and listen to his voicemail to hear it but that is just a bit to weird even for me *laughs*. I am very glad this monday is almost over and am tryng to stay awake as long as I can.

*ponders if I should call Mr. S*

oh my gosh what a weekend this has been. Friday my car burned to the ground, almost lost one of my dogs yesterday, and of course no word from Mr. S. I do not expect to hear from him for at least a week as he is in the Southern part of our lovely country for at least the next week...one can only pray for a phone call as I do worry about him due to the nature of the trip.

I find myself becoming much easier to live with the lack of calls between times, how ever it does not mean that I particularily like it. I however, wish to make no changes to Mr. S or demand them as well I find I don't want to. odd one for me. I think Mr. S was surprised when I told him the same thing. I am not sure why women wish to change the "perfect" mate they have found into a non-perfect mate. It is funny that I have known Mr. S for so many years that I would never dream of trying to change him, yet I think he thinks that what I will do as that is what most women do. I like Mr. S just the way he is....

I have not cum since my visit to Mr. S last week. So far it sucks. He has not said that I couldn't but have not really broached the subject yet...still I feel wrong doing so without permission so we will see how long I can take this. I have begun to compile some information regarding my lifestyle choices and information for Mr. S. to read, am very nervous about this. His views on "abuse" of women are very strong and he is a true southern gentleman. I hope to show him that I prefer TPE rather than abuse or severe pain as most do...I mean not that I don't like a good spanking or a nice nipple clamp now and again. I much prefer the service and control than some of the other aspects of the lifestyle. Well at least while I am on the down side of the duo.

I have also begun to notice that my thoughts drift off allot being in service to Mr. S...to cook, clean, pleasure...all the things that give pleasure when servicing one's Owner. I have found myself texting to Mr. S. about these thoughts...especially while naked...we will see what he says the next time I see him...oh yeah was told to not wear panties when with him...interesting the things he asks for.

ahhh day over...tired..cold..and hoping pipes don't freeze again.  lets see what did today bring...well first off no call for Mr. S....

i guess i should let you know that Mr. S. is not a lifestyle participant. His one and only experience was not a good one. Mr. S refers to himself as a neanderthal *grins* his attitudes are very Dominant in nature. i have known Mr. S for almost 25 years and have just recently become his property...not that he understands what that totally means. i became Mr. S's property in one night. i had not seen him in months. about 20 years ago he asked me to leave my then husband and run away with him...being the numbnuts i was at the time i walked away. fast forward 20 years. Mr S. show's up at my ex-husbands house...tells my children, my ex husband and anyone else that will listen at my exhusbands house that he has come for me and he is making me his. He comes home with my children later that evening and grabs me by the head and announces to the whole group that I am his....or more so just says "MINE". my dreams and desires have been wrapped up in this man for 25 years...the things he does screams Dominant....and he is mine.  i have found myself doing things that i would never do for a man..*laughs* my desire to service this man in any fashion is almost over powering most days...Mr. S. is a workaholic and is gone for days at a time with no contact. so hence the journal...someplace to place the thoughts while Mr. S is away...to keep track of his movement into His place as my owner...and his understanding of what a submissive is and what it means to Own one.

so anyway...no call from Mr. S...freezing temperatures mean he is a busy man right now. waiting this time between his calls for me is much easier. His admitting that he missed me and even though he didn't call didn't mean he didn't think about me, or care. His concerns of the damage my insecurity would cause us was noted with his repeated insistance and comments about his uncaring for the cell phone. Attempts on his part have been much better and so my concern has voided to an extent.

As always just waiting for him is hard...my need to service and care for him is to intense to supress and my patience has not always been my best virtue..guess now i will be taught *laughs softly*

oh what a wonderful day woke to frozen pipes.... no water, no shower, no coffee...blah...oh no work ...guess that is not so bad except i have already been home for the last 2 days sick...i am so behind in my work it is gonna suck to go back..*sighs*. still no word from Mr. S...i know if my pipes froze so did his...perhaps i am glad i haven't heard from him. my nature cannot help but worry about him and if he is taken care of. i know he is freezing...amongst other things. it is hard to serve him when i am not all in allowed in his presence. it is a frustrating thing for me....makes waiting on him so much more frustrating *growls looks at the phone again and sighs* patience is a virtue, especially in a submissive....right? is it a failure to serve your one if he does not allow you too? *ponders that one*

woke up extrtemely tired this morning...lots of dreams about J.K. (1st boyfriend, serious Dominant). haven't seen him in over 25 years almost ..weird. no word from Mr. S. no big surprise...they say patience is a virtue. Having been mostly on the Top side of relationships, finding it frustrating but refreshing to be made to wait on Him...the last visit very much cleared things up a bit emotionally and how He feels. i know i can wait for him...damn it i don't want too...*pouts*

It's interesting to me that I have almost always preferred Dominant men but submissive men seem to be attracted to me. I enjoy both spectrums of the world but however have not been on the submissive side for many, many years now.....mmm wonder what the future does bring???

ok...back to the journal...have been sick this weekend but did get the see Mr. S this weekend. *groans* hate when i am sent away. *pouts* better this time at least communication is open more than it was...at least for the moment...Dominant men..so selfish but such a turn on...now the waiting game begins again....waiting for Mr. S to call for me to come to him is the pits *pouts again* but one reassuring thing...he won't let me go *laughs softly* refuses to say the words...*ponders* wonder what that really does mean???

ok...here we go a journal. I gotta start keep this crap somewhere besides my head. today were just random thougths of being tried up...thoughts of a certain man and the control his voice has over me...rats. life stucks.

Today was an interesting day.  I found myself thinking allot about BDSM at work.  It is funny the things I opt to think about.  I don't think about playing with my boy too much as I do serving more often.  I do have to say I enjoy the boy in the matter that I deny him....mmm chastity is such a lovely tool *smiles*