doodle64


doodle Female Dominant, 30, New York	doodlebugjjgj Male Dominant, 55, West Haven, Connecticut	doodlebugbaby Female Submissive, 20

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	MistressCrystal



	About doodle64 "W/we are bound only by the limits of our imagination... September: Beginning to look around again... i am NOT looking for cyber play! i am very happy with where i live (Vancouver Island, BC) and it is pretty unlikely that i would relocate,though i'm not ruling it out completely... i previously had written here that any first meeting would have to be on my turf, and got some feed back saying i sounded high on myself. It is purely for safety reasons, not because i "expect" anything. If You mail me, please be so kind as to include a recent picture if Your profile does not have one. Mails without pictures are extremely unlikely to get any response! Life is very full, the journey continues w/ joy and good fortune. ...life is good! My interests are varied - art, music, travel, literature, outdoors... As far as what it is i seek...How will I know, until I find you? i am looking for a man who is: DOMINANT! Experienced in lifestyle BDSM. Is looking for a LTR Has an understanding or an interest in the philosophy and spiritual aspect of the lifestyle. Adept or willing to learn from someone with experience in wielding floggers, whips, paddles and other sensation play. Not only dominant in the bedroom, but also in everyday life. Exudes confidence and has a powerful personality, but is not a control freak. Adventurous, respectful, intelligent, physically attractive (PLEASE include a picture of Yourself if you mail me), healthy, imaginative, forthright, HONEST, compassionate, creative thinker. Musician? Artist? (Not a requirement...) Mature but playful. Firm in his/her convictions, yet open to opinions of others. i have few hard limits, but have yet to experience much of what the lifestyle has to offer, so that may change...(*Note, it has - in that i have experienced much over the last five years, including having had the honour, privilege and pleasure of serving both as collared submissive and collared slave in live in 24/7 situations for extended periods of time - as in years). Looking forward to making new friends, getting to know new people. NO drug addicts, NO alcoholics!!(Unless You are in recovery with substantial clean time.) NOT looking for casual sex!!! Thanks for taking the time to read my profile. Be well, be safe, doodle64 i also have a profile and a blog on alt .com and on 'moc.efil tef' (spelled backwards) with the same name.

journal

Jun 26, 2009 4:24 am
11 Views

These days have been so full of different emotions – observing my reactions, feeling my feelings and allowing them – making an effort to just observe and not act – this is the beginning of a long and learning journey. Now are the early days of watching myself and the thoughts and feelings that come up – and the gradual opening of my heart – recognizing the vulnerability and the fear that goes along with it – being vulnerable is being open – open to love and be loved, to hurt and be hurt. To learn and be learned, to teach and be taught...to become close and meld and evolve – or to dissolve
The excitement of newness, infatuation, feeling desirable. Trying to sort the needs from the wants and to balance the head and the heart – and one doesn’t always listen to the other – The heart wants and feels and has no limits. The head says wait, what if, make sure, go slow. The heart says go, what is there but risk, to stall is to founder, to wait is to miss, nothing is ever sure, and the heart beats faster.
The early days are always more difficult for me – more awkward and uncertain of myself... wanting so much to please– not sure of what the boundaries and parameters are...learning to allow the conversations in my head out of my mouth and into the ears of those they concern – – But sometimes i hesitate, i can’t or don’t or won’t tell you what i think- i need to think it, process it, allow it to settle, get some perspective after the emotion – my head can lead me wrong sometimes – sometimes what i think is so much imagining that if i told you it would sound all wrong – i would sound all wrong – it isn’t that it needs fixing - it isn’t that i need fixing- its just that sometimes the wheels start spinning and things get jumbled and confusing - and reality gets twisted in my mind. It’s the one where if i told you what i think...if i take off all the masks, stand naked and open and transparent – if i showed you who i really am – you might reject me – so i hesitate, try to sort the rational from the emotional, find the comfort of my skin, and then just a layer at a time i can share the words that will form the links of getting to know us.
This haphazard lackadaisical stream of consciousness writing - seeping the ideas up to the surface of awareness -sharing them not just for me but for you as well – and now as i write this i realize - am i directing this more at Sir than Miss? My gravitational pull is coming more from him – from her as well to be sure – but yes initially when i started writing it was with you in mind – i am not sure where the centrifuge is centered – where the tug is strongest, or even if it has a center – is it One and two? is it Two and one? Is it One and One and one? Does it need to be defined?
But do i serve You and thus Her? Am i slave to You? sister to her? Am i slave to You both?
i do feel cautious – i don’t want to tread on what the two of you have – it started before i came into the picture – and its strong and vibrant and yes, i have twinges of envy – the closeness and easiness i see between you is beautiful – so mixed with yearning of my own – maybe not really envy – yes yearning – i wonder at it all, and want to know more of you, and let you in to me – to know more of me –
To serve is such pleasure – and i do as much as i feel is appropriate without being given direction - there are times when i am not sure it is adequate – where i feel a bit adrift – your relationship is full of spontaneity...and i instinctively hold back sometimes – to avoid appearing needy, to avoid overstepping my place in the dynamic – the dynamic that i am still not sure of - and willing to watch and participate in while it develops and unfolds and evolves – but at the same time i miss being given direction – being told what to do – be it domestic service or sexual. i love the ritual of some protocol – the edginess of having to stay aware and not screw up – and the security of knowing that i will be corrected if i slip – whether it is a missed Sir, forgetting to ask permission for something or some form of not acting or speaking in a submissive way. This is this and that was that and so i try not to compare with what i experienced already –But it is only natural to compare – and i believe that if you understand where i have come from ,then you can better direct me in the direction you wish with my welfare at heart. With Mistress it was much more directed – whether it was to serve Her coffee on my knees, fetch an item, make the coffee in the evening ready for the morning, make dinner, brush her hair, put cream on Her, and massage Her – all these were part and parcel – and then there was the play – not frequent – but always intense. – there were tears and laughter, giggles, toys i had never felt, toys that i grew to love. toys that still make me curious and want to alter my limits and the most amazing orgasms – they were forced in a way – She has always said that it is as if i fight them – even though i want it – my head and heart and body do this crazy battle and it takes someone to push me – overwhelm me- overload all my senses – and then i can let go – release all that holds me - and at that moment i am truly open and exposed and taken by the one who brought me there.
this seems like something that if i reread, i will start to alter and second guess, so i am going to leave it as it is, and send it. and sleep. i already nodded off a couple of times, and ended up with ten or fifteen lines of whatever letter my finger happened to be resting on at the time - so on that note XOXOX
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z

Spriing - continued...

Reading the last post now it sounds so written for the public – there are glimpses of easy flowing thought but the flow is impeded by my intent of blogging it. i don’t like it when that happens – but sometimes it does. Writing a good journal sometimes takes hours and hours – capturing the feelings and translating them onto the page using vocabulary that truly gives those feelings life is not always an easy thing to do. The first part of this was more of a lead up to trying to express how i am feeling in general about The_Demon_Prince and Lalanielectrica and my entering into a relationship with the two of them. Maybe i need to be writing this as a letter to Him – but not necessarily one that i will send to Him – more of a way of collecting my thoughts and clarifying how i am feeling. there are questions i need to ask – or at least to put my finger on. On second thought – there is no need for a letter – i am doing just fine letting my brain ramble on like this...
The dynamic of how this relationship will be is not clear to me. Perhaps it is not meant to be clear. – perhaps it will evolve naturally into what it is meant to be. When i came to Mistress things were very, very clear and delineated. My role and my position as a submissive in collar to Her was absolute and the rules were set before me and consistent at all times - it became second nature to me.
With Sir and Miss i am still not sure what exactly it is that is wanted of me. i am willing to explore and learn as i go – play it by ear and figure it out as i go along – which actually gives me a chance to express myself and my character perhaps a little more than if i am learning by rote. Like music – i can read music and practise and play a piece note for note, and eventually i can put more and more feeling and finesse into the piece, until i know it by heart and it just flows through me – and i add my own nuances to it.
Or i can jam – play by ear – listen to the song, let it take me on a ride, walk all over it and stomp around a bit, trip and jump and leap - catching some parts, missing others, playing a sweet note here and a sour one there – and after awhile i find my part – the part that fits with all the rest – without walking all over it - the part that is never the same twice but always takes me on a journey of joy or sorrow or laughter or tells a story or gives an emotion sound and rhythm and cadence – tone and timbre – the part that weaves in and out – layering sound on sound – building harmony and sometimes the rebellious dissonance of jazz or unruly funky back beats.
My instinct is telling me that this is how it will be – this second way of evolution. There have been no distinct or definite rules - it has been a matter of me practicing what i know, asking questions and maintaining a submissive role – although i can still be a brat sometimes.
He said the other evening that He didn’t think He could ever break my spirit – and unless i read it completely wrong – i don’t think He wants to. If He did want to, i would probably not want to be there. i agreed with Him - tempering it by saying that if He really wanted to He probably could – but my spirit will always live inside me. i have been through so much in this life – so many incredible experiences – both ecstatically wondrous and terrifyingly horrific – that my spirit is strong. It is not meant to be broken – it is meant to be cherished – and that is what i crave – to be cherished – to be loved – to love and cherish and serve and yeah- i know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but to worship – as much as a human can be worshipped in return. Treat me as your most precious treasure and i will melt into liquid soma.
Now i see that i used the word “most” precious treasure. i don’t expect to be what i have found to be referred to as the “primary” in this trio – but i am not sure how i feel about being “secondary”. i have been reading a bit about poly families, and the various philosophies on dynamics. There is of course a myriad of variations – everyone is slightly different. There are those who say they love all equally – and those who have a defined hierarchal arrangement.
i think i have a tendency to want to know what is going to happen; knowing what to expect equals safe – and yet at the same time i am curious and creative and spirited and don’t want to be hampered by convention – i don’t want my vision to be tunneled thru someone else’s version of my possible future. Does that make any sense?
So it seems that i will keep going forward with an open heart.

Spring 2009

Change is in motion - my attitudes and feelings are shifting, morphing and evolving.
For so long i have been seeking One - and One alone. i thought i had found and been found by One last summer - but that relationship was not meant to be. When it ended after six months or so i was deeply hurt - i felt betrayed, tricked and used. Initially the emotions i felt at that break up mirrored the grief i felt when Randy died. Randy was the last relationship that i had been in and it ended with his death six years ago - and when my relationship with B ended my emotions went straight to a deep grief like the one i felt when Randy died. It took me some time to realize why i was feeling that way, and that it was a trigger that had sent me there, not the actual circumstances. After all, no-one had died, my life was still in front of me, and i could let go of the hurt in time.
Continuing on, letting go, licking my wounds and feeling pretty disillusioned i decided that perhaps this search for the ideal Dom was something that i needed to let go of too. Perhaps it was a matter of geographic location - a dearth of local Doms who held any appeal, perhaps i was not putting myself out there enough, perhaps i was too picky, maybe i just wasn't desirable, maybe i was flawed somehow or perhaps it was just not meant to be and i would end up being single for a very, very long time - perhaps forever - and then this fear and dissatisfaction turned to something approaching grudging acceptance. What would be would be...
But in the meantime i do have needs, wants,dreams and fantasies and i figured if i couldn't find my idealistic picture of a perfect fit - even while fully aware that perfection is generally reserved for the Gods and Goddesses -
then i would branch out and broaden the scope of my search. Maybe if i stopped looking so hard for what i thought it was that i wanted, if i looked in places and at people who were not necessarily involved in the lifestyle i could at least have some fun, maybe make some friends and perhaps find a vanilla guy who was corruptible. So i went to a couple of other sites - Pof and Adult FriendFinder and opened profiles there, went on a few dates, replied to a tonne of mails, deleted just as many without even bothering to reply, spent hours chatting with a variety of men, browsed innumerable profiles, and still came up with nothing that jumped out at me. My mouth didn't water, my knees never melted, my heart didn't skip any beats, and i didn't get butterflies in my stomach when i thought of any of them.
i did get a little bit of practise at dating though - which is something i've never really done before. In the old days before i got into recovery and was still drinking and drugging, the sequence of events in finding a partner never included getting to know anyone first to see if there was any compatibility. It was always get loaded, have sex, and if the sex was good then have some more! Pretty shallow existence - as well as lots of "fun". Back then it was all about self gratification and validating myself from the outside rather than from the inside. That said, i did have some very deep connections with a very few men - but they were all addicts like me, and i lost them all to the disease of addiction. It took a very long time before i was even close to ready to risk the vulnerability necessary to consider entering into a committed long term loving relationship with a man.
After the January play party which i did not attend Mistress Crystal told me that there had been a very handsome new Dom there - wearing a pinstripe suit, tall, and with a nice body who turned many a girls head. She made some inquiries, found out that He was seeking a girl and suggested that He may be interested in meeting me. W/we met at the next play party - Mistress introduced me to Him and i greeted Him properly on my knees as i have been trained to do and afterward She told me She had never seen me fall to my knees so fast...
Being a little shy, hesitant, unsure of myself and nervous about playing with someone i had never met nor seen play before i asked Mistress Crystal if She would play with me and then asked The_Demon_Prince if He would care to participate as well. They both agreed and i was secured to the whipping post. i had not eaten much, had worked that day, and was wearing a tight corset which came off just before the scene was to begin. Plus i had not been to a play party for some time, nor had i been played with for a few months since breaking up with B. Within a few minutes of some very gentle warm up i started to feel lightheaded and mentioned it – the next thing i knew i was being lowered from the post to the floor in the arms of the handsome Dom whom i had just met. Apparently i had fainted dead away and had dangled by the cuffs from the post until they got me unhooked! Talk about going weak at the knees right off the bat...
Mistress had just been observing and after She helped to get me down She left me to recover with The_Demon_Prince. The two of U/us sat there on the floor for a few minutes talking about what had happened - which by the way had never happened to me before. i was a bit embarrassed but soon felt better and when He asked if i felt up to continuing but perhaps on the spanking bench instead where i would be well supported and need not be standing - i was much relieved that the scene would continue and happily agreed. There ensued a very hot sensual erotic scene that left me wanting to know more, feel more, learn more about this Dom. i would have done pretty much anything He asked of me right then and there He had me so worked up and wanting Him - feeling so desirable and wanton...
Who was He? What were His wants and desires? Where would this lead? Before the scene ended He told me that if i wanted more there would be a test and asked me if i wanted to know what it was. Indeed i did and said as much. Teasingly, enticingly, He told me that i would just have to wait - that He would let me know - not that night, and not the next day, but maybe the day after that.
Ah...sweet anticipation and nerves...seductive curiosity, hesitant and hopeful and already sliding into a hypnotic mesmerization - His hands, His voice, His breath, the glint in His eyes...the taste of His mouth on mine - just barely - and my own mouth open and wanting, hungry, panting, grinding my bared ass into His body behind me when He came close - not caring who was watching - who saw me rendered to that state - actually proud that my body and spirit elicited the interest and enticed the attention of One such as He...

Sorry about the words running together in the post previous to this one - i cut and pasted and that is how it came out when it transferred.

i promised i would write tonight, so i must. Not that
i don't want to, just that by now it is after two, and
well..how much can i get done before my brain shuts
off? At any rate, i will give it a try, and see what
i can come up with.
    Having Sir's new girl, at the house has been an
interesting
process for me. i have found myself feeling a little
territorial once or twice - not intensely or anything
- just a bit. Like the other night when Mistress had
her put cream on her back, and then said something
about how good her hands were...my own insecurities
had me having a little dialogue in my head - as i so
often do Ma'am...lol
Like initially:
(Low internal growl)
ggrrrr...she's is putting cream on Mistress...that
is my job... Oh, right, but Mistress has asked her
to, and i am busy on task with something else...but
that is my job...grrr...let it go, it is as Mistress
desires, and if i am too attached to something, then
it is worth the lesson, that it is not about me or my
desires...
And then when i had finished in the kitchen and came
into the living room, Mistress suggested that Sir's
girl
put some cream on my back as well, saying that she has
good hands or something to the effect.
Well...does that mean she has better hands than i do?
Does Mistress like her style of massage better than
what i do?

    she has said that she is bi-curious...i wonder what was going through her head at that point?
Was she thinking: "Uh...what is this leading up to?First a
hot-tub, now a
naked girl, cream...on the sheepskin rug, in front of
the fireplace...??"

Lol

So yes, i must be careful not to let my mind run
away with me.
At one point i even thought "Oh my gosh...this
would be just an inkling of how i might feel if
Mistress found a girl to take ownership of - under a
permanent collar! Which of course is a possibility,
and ought not be any cause for jealousy or
possessiveness on my part, given the fact that i am
not collared for life to Mistress.

Being human sure is an interesting journey, and i am
learning to recognize my feelings as they come up, and
to see where the emotions come from, and decide
whether they are feelings that need acting on, or not,
feelings that i can just let pass, or that i want to
take a closer look at, feelings that are self centered
or feelings that are loving and kind.   When i find
myself getting self centered, i can usually bring
myself back to a place of loving kindness with much
less effort than it takes to remain in a negative
place, specially if i am gentle to myself as well as
those around me.

      i definitely noticed that Mistress had taken to
heart what i wrote in my last journal regarding
playing music and protocol stuff like holding the door
for Her - It was sweet - and i really appreciate it.
Thank You Mistress - hugs!

Last night in the hot tub Sir was playing with His
girl, and after Mistress asked me how i felt about it.
When i replied that it didn't make me feel
uncomfortable She clarified and asked whether it gave
me any sexual feeling to watch the play that was going
on. It didn't - if anything it just reminded me of
the time that Mistress had me in a very similar
situation, and the feelings i had at the time - when i
was so new to all of this. i wanted to ask Mistress
whether She felt any turn on watching, and in Her case
participating a little too. i didn't ask, but i was
curious.

i don't know whether it is just me, or whether it
is different, but it seems as if the training that i
went through with Mistress when i entered into the
initial six month contract with Her was far more
stringent than what Mistress is requiring of Sir's
girl. i
am trying to remember, did Mistress just gradually
introduce certain aspects of protocol, or was there a
long list right from the get go?

   i ought to have a look at the training contract
that i had, just to refresh my memory. i know that
Mistress wants me to help "l", and i want to as
well, but it is difficult if there are inconsistencies
about what is and isn't expected. i was really quite
surprised today when i had suggested to "l" that she
ought to find out if Mistress wanted her to ask
permission to eat the orange, and Mistress said it was
not necessary, and that i don't always ask permission
for a snack. It is true that i do not always ask. If
Mistress is not home, then of course i do not ask or
wait to eat, and if it is the evening and Mistress and
i are together and it is "snack time" i might not
actually ask permission in so many words, but i feel
like that situation is one where it is a "given".
Now, that bothers me! That is where the lines get
blurred, and so i guess i need to be more consistent,
but i really think that probably 95% or more of the
time, i ask permission before i eat or drink anything
other than water. i have to admit too, that my
feelings were a little hurt that Mistress said that i
don't always ask permission! Boo hoo! (lol)

   From my perspective though, it is confusing and
difficult to be of help in "l"'s training if i am not
sure of what
Mistress expects.
    Mistress has been going
very easy on me lately too, with the stress of
starting the Pegatron, and i am grateful for that. i
have been going very easy on myself too - perhaps too
easy. The sleeping in late every day off and the
playing hooky from work are old patterns of behaviour
that i associate with depression, lack of motivation,
laziness and isolation. It is not a pattern i want to
allow myself to re-establish. It is okay for a few
days, or once in a while if i am feeling like i just
need a break from the world, but if i am not careful,
being the addict that i am, i start trying to
duplicate the best sleep - the way i used to chase the
"best" high, and i start thinking that "more is
better"; sleeping til ten felt good, so why not sleep
til twelve? Why not til two? All day? Can't sleep
any more? Take a pill!    (No Ma'am, i have not done
that in recent history, it is just the way i know the
pattern can get played out in "active addiction"
mode.) Being in recovery is about being aware of the
patterns, and playing the tape through, in order to
see the outcome before taking that road and ending up
at the end of it.
        Hmmm...brain is fading - was trying to think
of a
positive note to end on, and all i can come up with is
that i am glad i finally got the scene music cd done,
and that i
would like to try to make some more, and ummm...
   ummm...oh, yes, thank You Ma'am for the butt plug
tonight...
and... ummmmmm
    Maybe W/we can test run the cd sometime soon?
   Oh, and i have been running the picture through my
mind of bringing a toy to You Ma'am, and i keep
getting bogged down by which toy would i choose, or
could i bring an armload? Or if i brought one, would
You send me to get others? Or?   Hmmm...guess there
is only one way to find out, huh?
     ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

i was hoping to sit at the table to write this, as my wrists don't do so well sitting in the bed, but couldn't find my little light to put on the computer, and i know that Sir doesn't like having the dining room light on while they are watching a movie or TV.

   So...today i started my treatment for Hep C. The cost of it is covered 50% by my work health insurance, and the other 50% will be covered by the drug company's compassion care program. Medical services plan of BC would not cover me because my alt levels are not elevated enough - i am too healthy! Lol. Which will hopefull make the treatment easier, as my body will be better equipped to handle the treatment and any side effects.
   Tonight will be the first shot of pegylated interferon - to be self-administered once a week for the next six months, along with ribivarin - two pills twice a day. Hopefully the side effects will be mild, and i will get through it without too much toruble. They are claiming a 92% success rate in curing the type of Hep C i have - type 2 b. So here's hoping.   The only effects i have noticed from the ribivarin today have been thirst - so i have been drinking lots and lots of water as recommended, and a bit of a funny taste in my mouth. Aside from that i had a bit of a headache this morning not long after taking it as well as some heartburn, but i can't attribute that directly to the medication. i am feeling positve, and hopeful, nervous, excited, and a little anxious about having to take shots - never been big on those, but it is just a little tiny needle in a redipen, so it shouldn't be too bad. Mistress came to the training and information session with the Hep C nurse, so if need be, she can give the shots to me.

    i am trying to consciously be very positive about the treatment, and i hope that i can maintain that thru-out, at least to the best of my ability, as i believe that attitude is half the battle. i was talking with my boss today at work about it, and we both have mothers and grandmothers who believed in the power of positive visualization. i remember my mom telling me when i was feeling bad that it was all in my head, and it used to make me so angry! But i understand better now what she meant.

There is much to write about, and some time has passed since the last entry...i was so stressed about everything then, and as it turned out, it was all needless. Everything worked out fine.

i still haven't finished the CD Mistress asked me to make, but have got the play list pretty much figured. i had delayed starting it for awhile, because the first day after my little melt down i was unsure of whether Mistress still wanted me to make it - and perhaps She was too. It will be interesting to see how it flies during play...

The situation with Sir (Mistress's husband, Lord Thomas) being home again is tolerable so far - i think that even thought there are aspects of His presence that really irk me, i will not let it be bothersome enough to make me want to leave. i love Mistress so much. Serving Her and being in this family is a very special gift in my life, and i feel honoured and privileged to be a part of this. If i find myself becoming intolerant, i need to learn how to take time and space for myself. Either physical space, as in retreating to my room, or going out for a walk, or even just outside for a bit, or spiritual space - learning how to program myself to relax and tune out the intrusions of His presence. The TV, the volume, the content of the programs He watches. Mostly, i think i miss the quiet, as well as the opportunity to play music on the stereo. Some of the days and nights that Mistress and i were here on O/our own W/we had times where there was just silence - No TV on, and i find that i miss that.
    i was thinking the other day that once trained and accustomed to the assigned chores and protocol, it becomes so ingrained that it doesn't feel like it is anything but normal. In the beginning things like asking permission to use the bathroom, to eat, to drink, etc, kneeling to serve, addressing Mistress as Mistress or Ma'am...all those things were so alien that it took quite a bit of mental and physical effort to stay on my toes and not mess up. That added to to the level of excitement and tension. Now that things are well established, as well as somewhat lax at times, the sense of being hyper aware and vigilant about my behaviour at all times is not as necessary.
    There have been times when Mistress and i are out and about in the car, and She will tell me to go ahead and get in, without holding the door for Her first - perhaps it is cold out, or perhaps raining, or i have an armload of stuff to carry and it makes it awkward, or W/we are in a hurry. That is fine. Of course it is fine - it is as Mistress wishes it to be.
    Then there are some times when She will wait for me to get the door to go in the store, or getting in the car, or some other thing that i would normally do as a matter of course in protocol, and i sense that She waits and allows me to serve Her in those instances as a gift to me. It may be more practical and faster for Her to open the door, but by allowing me the privilege of serving Her She is giving me the gift of my submission to Her.
If those rituals/protocol were allowed to slip too long and too far, i would feel as if i were set adrift with no line anchoring me to the mother-ship. It would render things far too normal. Having protocol is a comfort to me - it reminds me of the parameters of the relationship i have with Mistress, and the pride i feel when i serve Her as i have been trained to.

i was reading an article today, written by a slave as a heads up to people who are new and thinking that they want to be owned as a slave in a 24/7 M/s relationship. One of the points she made was that the slave must be prepared to make sacrifices - Was there a certain type of music they liked? Maybe their Master would not like that music, and they may not be permitted to listen to it. Was there a certain way they liked to walk, certain foods they like to eat? Are they prepared to give them up to please their Master?
     i am not sure about that. i mean, i just don't like some kinds of music, and others i really do - and yes, i have sacrificed listening to my music for the most part. Too often the TV is on, or there are kids here, or whatever - the circumstances don't allow me to play as much music as i would if i were on my own. It is rare that i play anything heavy if Mistress and Sir are home, and sometimes (which is very rare!) when they are out, i will play hard stuff and crank it. i miss that part of my old life, for sure, but it is not something that i have had to give up completely. If i were told i would have to, i would not be happy about it.
So, here is my question - if a Master tells His slave to give up something She loves, just because He doesn't like it (not because it is bad for her health or some such thing) then is He willing to risk her unhappiness as a result?
   i am not talking about a kind of "surface level" unhappiness, but a deeper more subtle sense of unease, a feeling of having one's sense of self undermined by circumstances that, although chosen -in the giving of oneself to another- are contrary to the slave's own make-up. If she loves classical music and is denied that, does it not sow a seed of distress?
   If she is "truly" slave, then should the pleasure she feels at pleasing her Master by giving up the thing she loves suffice?

   Are there really those who have been able to let go of their ego to the point of complete surrender to anther's will?
i am not sure that i could do that. In some instances, i wish, and have wished that i could, but in others, i do not want to be molded into someone that i am not - i do not want to lose my individuality in order to please another.
   It seems to me that even though i am willing to serve another, there ought to be some innate qualities of myself that make me who i am, and that the person who wants to own me will find me appealing for who i am, not who they want me to be.
    It is an interesting thing though, because when i look back on the ways that i have changed since coming to Mistress there are things that i have been asked to do, that initially were not part of my life, which i now enjoy. The long nails, the clothes, the shoes, even some of my taste in music has evolved and changed as a result of Mistress's wishes, and i am still happy.

    Sir has found a girl to serve Him - or probabaly more acurately she found Him - or they found each other. i am happy for Him and hope that it works out. she seems nice enough - she is a little starry eyed at this point...lol
    Mistress has agreed to take Her into training and she will be coming to the House on her days off. It will be interesting to see how things progress.

i have decided to put my search on hold for a while. Feel free to message me, but i cannot promise i will reply unless something really piques my interest. Regards, doodle

If my reply to Your mail is brief...please realize that i have received over 45 mails in just under a week!

Hoping A/all have a safe and happy holiday season.

i will not be replying to any mails until the New Year...busy, busy, busy!

another entry from my journal - also posted as a blog at alt....

journal entry

Nov 15, 2007 1:03 am
25 Views

come to me muse and help me to write
show me dark, and show me light
what needs to come out, what's running to hide
let it all out

Let me be honest
banish all fear
Let me see clearly
below the surface
dive deep to the depths
of my subconscious self
sweep out the cobwebs
at the back of the shelf
illuminate the shadows
to see what casts them
converse with the spectres
pull back their capes
expose their faces
look into their eyes
reflecting flickering images
of who i am
when nobody's looking
not even me

Hmmmphh...more mediocre attempts at poetry- best to just write instead of trying to be artistic about it...

It is Wednesday today, and on Monday night Mistress played with me. It had been quite awhile, and i was very grateful that She did. Since that night i keep almost asking her "Mistress, am i fun to play with? Do i react nicely? Do You ever get bored when You are playing with me?" But i hesitate to ask such things, because i think it is just a sign of insecurity, and maybe because i am afraid She might say yes. It wouldn't be that unusual though - i mean, even life partners occasionally get bored with each other, don't they? i know i did when i was in a relationship. That was when it got to be time to get creative and create few interesting and fun scenes to enliven things with me and my partner...lol

Mistress told me that She almost used the paddle with the spikes on it on me the other night during play, but didn't.
i am not sure what stopped Her - the furthest i got was asking if She would have given me any warning, and She said no - that i would not have even known it - that it would have felt like any other paddle - but would have drawn blood.
When She told me that, i kind of wished that she had used it..lol Even though blood play is still officially on my hard limit list, i think it is gradually softening to the point where i would be okay with it. Maybe part of that is that i know that Mistress would like it, and i am curious too. Plus, i wonder, would it leave marks? mmm...
i hardly mark at all anymore - even after the other night with the single tail, the viper and paddles as well as the cat o nine tails, after the first hour most of the marks were gone and by the next day there were only the very faintest remnants left. i used to mark up beautifully - huge bruises on my butt, lovely welts etc. but it seems the body adapts and now it would take a lot to leave anything that lasts for any length of time. There is a certain pride in seeing the marks. Even before i ever got into the lifestyle, i remember being proud of bruises i'd gotten skiing (downhill/cross-country without a clue how to stop other than throwing myself down...lol) falling, bouncing down the stairs on my bum, stuff like that - and even back then i would show them off - mostly for the shock value.

Mistress has brought up the possibility of needle play a couple of times and i think i am softening on that one too - but it still really makes me queasy to even imagine being stuck with needles. She said She would not push it for fear that it would be a trigger for me - but i assured her that although i had tried needles when i was still in active addiction, they were never my thing, and i have always had a phobia of them. Even now when i go and get blood drawn, i can't watch, and sometimes have to lie down.

What a wuss, huh? Here i am getting my ass whupped and paddled and most recently (tonight)having hot coloured wax dripped all over my body, but the thought of a needle gives me the queasies.
i would like to try it i think - mostly for Mistress - because i know that it is something that She likes but also for the simple fact that i am curious, although i really cannot fathom the attraction to sticking needles in someone and as She calls it - "painting" with their blood.
Blood just kinda freaks me out -always has - i am much better with it now than i used to be - i have been known to faint at the sight of my own blood - even the littlest cut. Okay, i was very young at the time - but it left a lasting impression and i have never forgotten it. In a mild emergency if someone has cut themselves and needs some help or something i am fine - and actually have no problem - i think i work well in situation of high stress...(at least other people's)
When Mistress brought up the needle play tonight, i wondered whether She was thinking about it for the play party, or whether She would want to try it on me in private first. Part of me really likes the aspect of showing off at the play parties, and i have never seen needle play done at the one we go to. But i suspect that She would probably want to do test run at home first if She was entertaining the idea incorporating it into play at the party.

Apparently d. told Mistress he thinks i really don't like playing with him. Surprised me, because if i didn't like it, i would not have done a lot of what i did. Not everything i did was directly specified by Mistress. Even though She was there and in charge, She pretty much let me do whatever i wanted last time, so he needn't think that i have issues with it. There is an intriguing sense of power when topping that i am not averse to, and i have to admit that it is fun to torment him.

The last little while i have noticed that i have been having quite a few fuzzy moments - brain gaps - where i will be going to do something and then forget what it is - it reminds me of what it was like during the first few months after i quit using dope - post acute withdrawal symptoms - though not nearly as bad. i wondered today if it is because i have more time on my hands, and so am less focused. It happens more at home than at work where i am always busy. Probably nothing to worry about, but it is annoying!
i know that it can be one of the many symptoms of Hep C too.

i am anxious to hear back from the specialist about what the tests they did last week showed. Hopefully it wont take as long as it did to see him the first time - about four months for the initial appointment. i almost called to ask them today when he wanted to see me again, but figured i would give it a day since we just had a long weekend. my own doctor's office called this morning to book a follow up - the receptionist said it was nothing urgent - which i am grateful for, since i have to wait a week to see him.
i finally received the brochure i had been waiting for about the supposed herbal cure and it was rather disappointing. i had spoken with the Dr,. who formulated it and he assured me that there was a list of the ingredients used, but there isn't. The whole thing reminded me of a modern day snake oil. The main target group was people who are suffering from cancer, and it showed pictures before and after treatment of horrible gaping tumours on peoples bodies, but with no head shots to even show it was the same person. i realize it could be faked even then, but my impression was not favourable, and i have decided that i will only consider using that as a last resort if conventional treatment fails.

i don't feel like i have rally written anything here that Mistress and i have not talked about - but i can't think of anything more to write at the moment.

W/we are starting to think that maybe we'll have to find me a vanilla guy and corrupt him, since the whole on line search thingy doesn't seem to be panning out so far. There are still a couple of possible prospectives, but so far have yet to meet. Living on the island does have it's drawbacks. People are less likely to catch a ferry (let alone catch a plane!lol)than they are to just jump in their car and drive a few hours give or take.
Oh well.
Went swimming the other night and really liked it - it has been ages, and i had forgotten how much i love being in the water. Mistress and i are going to try to go a couple of times a week, and the sauna is good too.

i have been so flooded with responses to my profile that i have not been able to keep up with replies. If You have written and have not received a negative response, then do not take that as a rejection. Please try again and i will continue to reply as best i can!

Last night before i went to bed i made a list of
things in point form to refer to for my journaling
today. Mistress went out this morning, shopping with
a friend, and i had the opportunity to have a coffee
and smoke,shower, and get myself into the frame of
mind for journaling. i had just picked out some
music,first " " then Bela fleck and the flecktones
instrumental is always better for writing as i don't
get as distracted. i'd just finished a smoke and the
rest of my coffee was sitting by the computer along
with a glass of water when Mistress came home with
groceries to put away.
   Then we were invited to lunch. When asked i said i
didn't really want to go, but Mistress told me to
throw on some clothes, and off we went. So now it is
after two and i am finally sitting down to write and
adjusting to having my nice little arrangement thrown
off kilter. It's not all about what works how and
when for me, darn it...
Not really complaining - just working myself into
the mood again. Writing is such a particular process
- for me it isn't something that i can just sit down
and do well - the best writing can come from so many
different places though - sometimes thought out and
sometimes not thought out at all. There doesn't seem
to be any trued and true formula for getting the flow
and the feel of it to a place that pleases me.

Anyway here goes my attempt at covering the play last
night:

------**conversation before play (agreeing on Randy
topic not the greatest then realizing that maybe the
topic of John Sir taking us out to dinner was maybe
not the greatest topic either - didn't want Mistress
to think my focus was elsewhere**:----

After dinner was over Mistress let it be known that
She might beat on me for the first time in quite
awhile. At first i didn't actually feel very
enthusiastic; i had been fighting some kind of subtle
flu or cold bug for a couple of days and my energy
levels were low. But i had been missing play, and was
certainly not going to do anything to jeopardize it
happening. Asked ti have a shower, and by the time i
was done Mistress had set up the play area. W/we went
out for a pre-play smoke. sometimes that time is sort
of awkward feeling; kind of like knowing that yo are
going to have sex with someone, and not knowing what
to talk about.
   i mentioned that my ex R's daughter had contacted
me to ask me to send her some stories about her dad.
She wants to put together a book, a memorial of her
father who passed away nearly five years ago -
something to ensure that he wont be forgotten and a as
keepsake for her and her sister as well as his family
and Friends. after chatting a few minutes about him,
we both realized that perhaps that wasn't the greatest
topic to bring up right before play. It is only
recently that i have gotten past the deep deep hurt of
grieving for him, to a place of sadness without the
horrible grief.   There is still grief, but it doesn't
hurt quite as bad now. It is something that has come
up during play scenes with Mistress in the past - that
release of tears that happens sometimes has ended in
full blown crying of grief and pain for his loss.
Which is fine - and i think has been very therapeutic,
but not necessarily something that i would purposely
go toward, and having a conversation about him just
before play could definitely trigger those emotions
again. we agreed that it was not a good topic of
discussion, and so i changed the subject to talking
about J and the upcoming dinner date with Him - and
within about three minutes i realized that was not a
good topic either - because i know that Mistress
(admittedly) has gotten Her nose a little out of joint
when it comes to me being more focused on prospective
Doms than matters at hand, and to be talking about
another Dom just before play is just kind of rude, i
think.
   So my apologies for that Ma'am!
    i never really know what to talk about just before
play - sometimes i feel it is best to just meditate on
my submissiveness in order to slip into that state of
mind on a deeper level than what i am during my normal
day to day activities.

--------**warm up**:----

Kneel in present...wrist restraints, ankle
restraints, blind-fold, standing hooked up to the
rings in the beam on the ceiling,
spread-eagled...waiting.
Softness...Her hands running over my body; gently,
lovingly, goosebumps... Music playing...rabbit fur
flogger draped softly on my shoulder, against my face,
falling on my back, my thighs, hips,
breasts...relaxing, anticipating, feeling Her
presence...

---**Mistress' mouth on me - made it more intimate**:-

Her lips on my nipple, sucking and tugging gently -
took me a moment to identify the sensation, been so
long since that has been done to me. Then Her lips and
mouth on my pussy - ohhh! Even longer since that!
Not sure if She has ever done that before to me...so
nice! And so very fleetingly brief - just a tease and
a statement of sorts it felt like. Like "I am here
and I will do this..." To claim Her territory?
Validate Her ownership of that territory? Just
because She felt like it? Don't know, don't need to
know - all i know is that is was a special moment; a
pleasant surprise. And it emphasized my aniticipation
and sexual timbre of the scene.


---**wanting to kiss Her when She was close to me -
pulling me to Her, but hesitant, why?**:----

   i cannot remember the exact sequence, i.e. what toy
was used when, but remember thinking, "geez, it's been
so long i can't identify them the way i've been able
to in the past...is that a strap or a crop? The cat?
The viper or the whip?" She pulled me close to Her at
one point - or two (?) squeezing my breasts - gently,
and HARD as well...pulling one of the leather floggers
over my shoulder before She used it on me - letting me
smell the leather, touch it with my face, nuzzle it
like an animal friend. She grabbed my hair, pulling
it, held my neck...brought Her head close to
mine...and i wanted to turn my head and kiss Her - but
i didn't - i was waiting to see if that was where She
was going. In those few moments it felt like She was
waiting too. Was She? Ought i have asked her
permission? Just kissed?
i don't know - and that is part of the deliciousness
of it all - not really being sure if certain things
are permitted or expected or wanted or whether i
should ask or just do - the servility mixed with and
fuelled by desire and passion...when does desire
become demanding, when does servility become docility,
and where do the two meet, mix and combine to a
perfectly mutually satisfying dynamic?



-----***pain tolerance lower?***:-----

After the initial warm up, the first intense
sensation was a bit of a shock - i thought to myself -
"whoa! Been awhile girl, when it hurts like this!" i
think my tolerance has dropped a little over the last
couple of months, and perhaps the change from one
sensation to the other was more sudden - at least in
my mind. The floggers are now (for the most part at
leaast) more of a massage than anything that ever
really hurts. i mean i am sure that Mistress can make
them hurt if She chooses, but there are more effective
toys for that. The floggers are the flux between the
layers of play - the transition from "gentle" to
"intense" to "really intense" and back to "gentle" is
filled with their comforting rhythms. They give me a
chance to catch my breath - or rather, when She uses
them, i feel as if it is sometimes specifically to
give me a chance to catch my breath - to level out
when it is all becoming a bit much.
    It reminds me of the technique of efflorage in
massage - where between working deeply on specific
areas, one runs their hands in long soothing strokes
up and down a larger area of the body to calm and
distract. The floggers can be very hypnotic too -
when they are used on me for a longer period of time i
tend to get very physically rhythmic too - swaying and
moving to the beat of the floggers and the music...but
i digress...

----***the effects of the music, the rise and fall of
it all, liking some, not others - having an open
mind***:----

   At one point the music stopped and something new
came on - i forget who, but it was a song that i
associate with heart-ache and with Randy and the time
that i was with Him just before he died. Mistress was
hitting fairly hard - i think it was the viper at that
point - and the tears flooded in - i pushed the grief
away though - let it go - acknowledged it and moved
thru it, and didn't let it take me with it. i am
loved in this moment i thought, and i am here now with
Mistress and She is beating the hell out of me and i
am loving it. And then, of course, after a few yelps
and ouches i got the giggles - the strange hilarity of
it hit me - and again i quickly moved thru that too -
not letting the giggles overtake the matter at hand -
not wanting to offend Mistress, though i didn't really
think She would be offended, but the pain was pretty
intense at that point, and i didn't want her to hit me
harder for laughing cheekiness.
Some of the music that played at the beginning was
stuff that i am not so fond of - but i tried to not
allow it to affect how i felt about the scene. So
what if i didn't particularly like it? It was
Mistress' and so am i. i don't need to like it, and i
knew that it would change soon. Besides, there has
been music of Ma'am's that i initially thought i
didn't like which has grown on me. So it is about
keeping an open mind and not letting my personal
preconceptions get in the way of enjoyment.

----***emotions running the gamut***:----
(Pretty much covered that already, i think.)

---**being read - the changing of the rhythm of play -
when i was starting to get all crying, and then the
tempo changed and a new sensation was introduced -
brought me out of that dark sad place and back to the
present.***----
Kind of covered this too - but wanted to reiterate
that i felt like Mistress was really reading me
extremely well - keeping me moving through each of the
emotions that came up, keeping me guessing, and
"playing me".   It's a cliche, i know, but She plays
me like an instrument. Does She anticipate how i will
react? Does She know? Or does She react to how i
react? i imagine there is no formula, but sometimes
it feels like She knows exactly what i am going to
feel - physically, emotionally - all of it. What ever
it is, it's magic, and She is the magician.

----***fear - reactions - genuine yelps and yelps of
fear***---
There were some genuine yelps of pain last night,
and there were some yelps on impact that were
anticipating the pain that had come with the previous
impact. Times like that - where some of them really
DO hurt, and then others don't as much, but i still
react with pretty loud cries and am dancing around -
("you're dancing so nice and pretty..." She said)
-trying to avoid the next whack, but knowing if i try
too hard to get away from it She might make it worse-
better/worse...they tend to blend - the better and
worse - maybe more intense is a better word to use in
referrence to the pain. Anyhow, what i am trying to
get at is that when my yelps are yelps of fear and not
pain, i wonder if She can tell the difference? When i
am yelping out of fear, and the intensity isn't really
so bad after all, i worry that she will think that i
am really hurting, when i am not. Does this make
sense?   i know that She is pretty darn good at
knowing what the effect of each swing will be.

---***clamps - nipples - clit -after- sensation
limits being pushed? use of safe word?***---

When Mistress put the clamps on my nipples, i was
definitely nervous about how it would feel. i am
every time, but when it has been a while, more so. She
had been using the viper or the crop or something on
my breasts, and i had been dancing and yelping, and
getting as close to using orange as i ever do - with
"Ouch ouch ouch!!" and then she brought out the
clamps. As she put the first one on i breathed out a
long breath. Someone told me a very long time ago that
it is almost impossible to not relax if you are
breathing out, and although they were referring to
during a massage, it helps during sensation play as
well. As it went on, She said "hurts, doesn't it?"
More of a statement than a question, and one i didnt
want to answer, because if i said it wasn't so bad,
who knows what She would have done. And it wasn't as
bad as i had anticipated. The other was a bit more
intense. The intensity zoomed straight up when she
started using the crop on them - both the fear level
and the sensation level - to the point where i
couldn;t really tell which was which and just had to
take myself to the zone where it is nothing but
sensation - that place beyond pain. She tormented me
like that for a bit, moving around my body and varying
where and how She hit, and then She took them off
after not very long - the relief was preceded by the
needle-ish pain of the blood returning - though it has
never been as painful as it was before i had the
piercings - it doesn't seem to cut off the blood flow
quite as much as before with the rings in my nipples.
Maybe the clamps have to go a bit further back on the
aureole or something - not sure. Relief was short
lived - She hung one of the clamps from the ring in my
clit, but in the process caught a small bit of my
vulva in there too...i whimpered..."Skin, Ma'am..."
She just looked at me, and said, "So?"
Not long after that She moved the clamp so that
instead of hanging from a little bit of skin and the
ring, it was right on my clit, just behind the
piercing.   Now whatcha goin to say? She didnt say
it, but i coud hear Her think it! Suddenly i wasn't
dancing around nearly as much, and the yelps were now
moans.

****CONTINUATION****

   The play this night sometimes felt particularly
painful which i attribute to my lowered pain tolerance
since it has been quite some time since the last play
session. It occurred to me though that Mistress might
want to push me to where i would be forced to use my
safe word as part of my training. There has only been
one time that i can remember since being with Her that
i have used my safe word, and it was during a scene
where Sir was involved. even that time, She had to
practically prompt me to use it, and i only said
orange, not red - But She stopped the scene anyway.
She reads me and my limits better than i read myself;
i m stubborn, and tend to push myself. So maybe as
part of my training She might be thinking that if i am
to eventually be played with by others, i need to
learn how and when and to be comfortable using a safe
word.
    One of my hard limits is blood play, but after a
session where welts are raised, i can see myself being
willing to take more - and skin might be broken. When
i first thought about hard limits and made blood play
one of them, i was thinking more specifically of the
type of blood play like needle play or cutting -
where it is very deliberate. i also said that i
wanted no permanent body modification, and would still
prefer not to have scars from beatings, but if i had a
couple it wouldn't be as big a deal now as i thought
it might be when i first filled out my checklist.
That doesn't mean that i would want one of those butts
that i have seen that have been hamburgered an have
the scars to show for it.

---***welts and bruises***:---
As the scene continued i relished the thought of the
marks it might leave, an sure enough, this time i have
some lovely welts and some bruising too. i don't know
why exactly, but whenever i am played with and there
are no marks left, i feel a little dissapointed. When
i do have marks from a scene, they give me a reminder,
i am proud of them! Like a badge of honour or
something...

---***ability to tune out Sir's presence***:---
happy to say that despite a couple of moments where
my mind strayed to the fact that Sir was there (He
generally is every time - usually working at the
computer which is in the same room) i didn't let it
distract me for any length of time.

---***all floaty, a little numbness***:---
When Mistress had the clamp on my clit and then
continued to beat on me, i didn't dance round near as
much - The clamp was hurting, but i got past that -
and by then i was getting decidedly floaty, and
light-headed. My knees were wobbly and my hands
started to go numb too with the near hyperventilating
i was doing to keep myself moving thru the pain.
   i have no idea how long W/we had been at it, but
the whole scene felt rather fast paced to me - lots of
variety, lots of emotions, lots of sensations. No
sooner had i gotten used to one thing, suddenly it
would change.
   The clamp on my clit is a case in point - i started
to actually enjoy the sensation - once i got past the
initial intense pain, and i wondered if it stayed on
long enough whether it would stop hurting altogether
to the point where i could focus more on the
stimulation it was giving. When She took it off, i
was kind of sad to see it go. The new feeling there
was one of fullness - the circulation coming back into
the clit felt wonderful - hot and pulsing, and i
wished it would have lasted longer. Would that
feeling have lasted longer if the clamp had stayed on
longer? Or would it have been more intense?

    With me wobbly kneed and floaty, breathing hard,
sweating, moaning and edgy, Mistress released me from
the rings in the beam and told me to go to the floor
on my hands and knees. Grateful for the new position,
i obeyed. She gave me a few strokes with the paddle -
the one with faux fur on one side and flat wood on the
other, and then telling me to spread wide, wider, She
hooked my ankles to the spreader bar. i could hear
her putting on a glove - the snap of it... and then
Her finger...fingers...in me, on me, around
me...something inside me - dildo? Which one? Cool at
first, moving slowly inside me. And me helpless
really to move at all, knowing that that She had me on
the spreader bar so that when i started to cum i
wouldn't be able to curl up, squeeze my legs together
and try/not try/instinctively/compulsively to escape
like i tend to do. The vibe...on my clit...the
rabbit, inside...More lube...dripping down my ass,
would there be anal? No...dissapointed but not brave
enough to ask for it...
(Is that considered topping form the bottom? To ask
for something - so i suppose not, if i think of my
thoughts belonging to Mistress, then the onus is on me
to share them - but i am still shy to ask for things.)
Mistress' hand, inside me...was it Her whole hand? i
couldn't tell..didn't matter...felt so good...back and
forth - this, that, the other, the vibe on my clit,
spanks on my ass, rising waves of sensation, knowing i
was going to cum soon. i asked for permission "Please
Mistress, may i cum Ma'am?" She grants it, but i
don't hear at first, have to ask again...trying not to
think about it - what if i dont cum after having
asked? What if now tht i have asked i can't? (As has
sometimes been the case in the past) i cum...but not
the gut wrenching uncontrolled, moaning, crying,
yelling, laughing, crying, body spasming almost
siezure like orgasm that came a few minutes
later...THAT was when i really came. There was no
escape - my legs were held apart by the bar, and
Mistress didn't just let up right away, She kept doing
whatever it was She was doing, and it kept going -
rolling waves of mind boggling gloriousness; the
release of weeks of pent up sexual energy.


---***sudden realization about the difference between
wanting the person present and fantasizing about it
being someone else... feeling closer to desire and
further from fantasy***---

This realization came during and after this scene -
This time didn't ever think of whatever toy was being
used on me as a substitute for the real thing - a
man's cock. This time it was all about Mistress'
presence and interaction with me - there was no
fantasy in my mind when She used the dildo in me that
it was a man's cock. Being in this frame of mind;
really present in the moment an not fantasizing about
something that was not going on for real made it more
intimate, more real, more fueled my desire for
whatever Mistress wanted to do to me. i don't mean to
imply that i have always gone to a place of fantasy
whenever things get sexual in play with Her - it is
not something that is black and white like that. i
feel like i have gotten to a place of acceptance,
reality, and intimacy with Mistress where although i
might still fantasize about sex with a man, when i am
with Her i can really be there - not off in fantasy
land. After all, why fantasize about something i
don't have when reality is at hand and so much more
satisfying?

What to write about tonight? On the walk home from the bus-stop i was thinking about it, and remembered that i hadn't continued with the biographical series, so there's that. Or i could write about stuff that is going on now - but i am really not sure what i have to say.
    It seems the best way is to just start writing and see what comes out.
     When i was about fifteen someone gave me an old typewriter, and i used to just sit at it and type aimlessly - i just liked the sound of the keys, and the magic of seeing my words "in print". Back then that was kind of like modern technology to me. i remember dreaming that someday i would be a writer - that people would read what i wrote.
    Mostly i wrote angst ridden teenager poetry. Some of it wasn't too bad though. i still have a lot of it, as well as my old diaries. The diaries date right back to when we first started travelling in the east and Europe - written in big letters, spelling mistakes and all, and postcards and pictures and a few photo's, as well an elephant's tail hair that i was given after Mom and my stepfather paid for me to get an elephant ride. The ride kind of sucked - it was only about three or four steps - but i still have the tail hair. It is very thick and wiry, and still taped in my old travel diary, though i think i have had to replace the tape a couple of times.
    The few times i have read back thru my diaries of when i was about twelve and up, i am amazed by the shit i was doing for a kid that age. Stuff that i would totally frown on a child of that age doing now. But at the time i had no real sense of being too young for things like sex and drugs and hitchhiking, hanging out with adults, smoking cigarettes, hating my mom, travelling, dealing dope, quitting school, moving to Vancouver to live with a girlfriend. i thought i was old enough, and in a way i guess i was, but sometimes i wonder how my life would have been different if i had not been given so much freedom. Plus it took aweay from the time i had availaible to be a child in a child's body. i am not saying that i hold resentments or wish that it had been different, because i am happy with the person i have become. It is a result of everything i have been thru that makes me who i am today, but sometimes i do wonder.

     Over the last little while i've been back in a bit of a search mode - there have been a lot of mails from suitors... 16 mails on collarme alone in three days, as well as a few on alt too. Some of them i pass over almost immediately, i try to respond to others who may or may not be worth pursuing, and am in communcation with a couple of Doms who i am interested in, but it's really hard to know if anything will come of any of it. My time is limited, as is the energy i am willing to put into answering all mails, so i have to keep myself sane by not answering them all and focusing on one or two at a time.
i tend to feel bad if i don't answer at all, but even a polite response can sometimes elicit a reaction like the person on the other end thinks that suddenly i am going to tell them my life story and answer their questions, etc etc, and i wonder sometimes if they think that they are the only person i correspond with. In referring to these i am not talking about the ones with whom i have been communicating in depth, but the ones to whom i might politely answer a question or two.
     i guess i am fretting about things needlessly, and i just have to trust that all will be well, and that i won't miss out on the One who is right for me because i didn't have time to get to know them after they mailed me.
Sometimes it feels like searching for the proverbial needle in the haystack, and there's a whole field of haystacks, and i dont know if it is a stick pin i am looking for or a kilt pin, a darning needle, an upholhstery needle, a knitting needle, or just a plain old sewing needle.   Ack!

    Whenever i start putting more time into chat with Dom's on-line i get all worried that Mistress will be annoyed that it is taking time away from my journaling, or from my service to Her.
   There are times when i get to feeling like i can take a break - but when i follow thru on that, i inevitably feel shitty and feel the need to make up for it. Like tonight when Mistress came home - i was on-line and i didn't get up to ask if i could be of service - She ran Her own bath, made Her own tea and toast, and i sat at the computer chatting with a "suitor", who, if nothing else, i think will be a good friend. Then i felt bad, so i made sure i was there in time to turn down the sheets before She got into bed.
    She and i had a talk the other night about settling and not settling, and how once i have found someOne She will no longer be in the picture.
That is something that kind of scares me. Not like frightened scared, but more of an anticipation of missing Her.
     The importance of finding the One who is truly right for me and the decision process being not entirely my own is something that some may have difficulty understanding or accepting. i get a sense of that from one of the Doms that i have chatted with for quite sometime now - but have yet to meet. It almost sounds as if He is critical of me letting myself be guided by Mistress in this process - Critical of the protocol that She insists on. i get the sense that He almost wonders if i am a bit of a wimp - to let someone tell me who i can see - and how and where and when - and that irks me.
Perhaps it is just in my head, and that is not the case at all. Maybe i am being paranoid, and
He doesn't think that at all. Or maybe that is just His way of avoiding having to come here to meet Mistress and me.
He has said that He doesn't like the idea of having to pass some kind of "test".   i can see that it could be interpreted as an affront to His Dom-liness and a blow to the male ego.   Can one have humility and pride at the same time? i believe so - there can not be one without the other.   There really is no actual "test". If i was my impetuous old self, sure - i might go off on my own to meet a stranger who i have only met on-line. But as my present day self, i hope that i would be smart enough, even without Mistress here, to realize that i am worth pursuing, and that it is perfectly reasonable to expect that the first meeting should be on my home turf with another person present. The real test is whether or not the guy is someone i am really interested in; whether there is a chemistry, whether He is in person someOne i want to get to know better; who wants to get to know me better - not just tie me up and beat me and fuck me. i know that sounds crude, and there is certainly nothing wrong with any of that, but i want more than that, and then the test is whether they are willing to make the time and effort to go about making that happen in a safe and mutually acceptable way. Ultimately, it boils down to my choice - but Mistress is here to help me and guide me in making that choice and i value Her ability in judgement of character, skill, and compatibility.
This feels like a bit of a rant, and i hope that if i do post this in my blog, whoever reads it won't be offended.
      Tired, sore and stiff, and getting cold, so it must be tume to curl up in my bed with my huggy bear and get some rest.

i feel bad that i haven't been journaling very much

lately, and it is something that i do want to do. It

just seems like there isn't enough time in the day, or

the night for that matter!

The trip has become reality, and now the fear

factor has kicked in - as it always does with any new

venture with me it seems...i always find something to

worry and project about.

The most obvious and the one that is bugging me

most - probably because it is the one thing that i

cannot know for sure ‘til it actually takes place is

the dance part of my presentation...

It scares the hell out of me - because....why?

Because i will be putting myself in a position of

extreme vulnerability; in a situation which in more

normal circumstances the dancing girl might be judged

-given a score- if you will...So is that my

imaginings?? Is it me thinking that people are going

to be looking at me dancing naked thinking that i am

either a "good" dancer, or a "bad" dancer??

As i write this i am thinking back to the night

that “r.” danced here at Mistress'. It was very early on in my entry into this lifestyle.

Did i judge

her then? To a very small degree perhaps - but it was not

that i thought anything like "oh she doesn't have the

moves.." - It was more a grudging admiration for her

having the guts to dance at all - despite the fact

that her rhythm was not very good and she is not

height weight proportionate.

What i didn't understand at all then is the head

space that allowed her to do that - the surrender -

the submissive wanting to please. i think she was

also enjoying it - and it showed - and that gave

Mistress enjoyment too i think - seeing a happy sub -

her smile.

The way the music and the scenario triggered her

into subspace later on was something i had never seen

before and at first i wondered if it was "fair" to ”r.”.

It seemed to me at the time that anything that was done

to her - specially since she was so malleable to the

process of suggestion in her trance like state could

hardly be consensual. But at that point i didn't

really know any of the history between Mistress and

her and i knew nothing really of the lifestyle or

subspace. i didn’t know that there was a bond of trust that had been established.

It is interesting to look back on that now for

perspective.

i know that i am rambling, and i don't know how

much sense this will make, or even where i am going

with it - i am just letting it flow along and hoping

that inspiration will carry me through.

i kind of wish i could get into that deep trance

like state for the dancing and then i could just float

thru the whole thing blissfully unaware of anything

around me. But that kind of mental conditioning can

take years -the ability to fall into a trance...

The “curly thing”, as i have come to affectionately

refer to it lately is something that Mistress has

gradually been exploring a bit more - VERY gradually!

It surprises me how fast my fingers and hands will go

numb and tingly the last few times there has been

play. Even the other night when Mistress put the

clamps on my nipples

(and goddamn!! that hurt at first!!! It had been so long

i think my body had lost its tolerance in that

department!)

Anyway the other night it took some time of deep

breathing and focusing on relaxing to let the pain

subside. A relatively new aspect of it now too is fear because of

the piercings and possibly damaging them...i don't

know if it actually really hurts more than before the

piercing or if it is all in my head!

i sat there next to Mistress with the clover

clamps biting at my nipples after having seen them all

day - as Mistress had me bring them to Her in the

morning - so there was the whole mind fuck

anticipation thing going on - and then kind of out of

the blue She put them on me. After i had adjusted

to the pain of them i felt unsure of what it was

about. Ought i wait just wait passively to see what

She was going to do next if anything??

Then as the pain subsided and my breathing

returned to normal i was able to relax. i moved

from my spot in front of the fireplace to the foot of

her armchair, and nestled up leaning my back against

the edge of the chair. Soon She started playing with

my hair - just gently running Her fingers thru it -

then grabbing a handful She just held it - not pulling

- just holding - So i pulled! And so it began - the

awakening of ... what to call it that doesn't sound

cliché?? i don't even know. It is like a dance or

an exchange that requires two different and separate

types of input - the give and the accept rather than

the take?? Ack! The language sometimes trips me up, You

know? Because i was going to say the “give and take” -

which is a common enough expression - but then i

thought that “take” was not a good word for a sub to use

so i substituted accept - which really isn't any

better...silly....and in the process of all that i

totally lost the thread of what i set out to say in

the first place!

Maybe that is because i didn't really set out to

say anything - i just started writing and let it take

me where it wanted to go.

So back to what i was saying: the moment that

Mistress pulled on my hair, i wanted - - -

***see! Here i am doing it again - in my head; Is it

alright to say that i ‘wanted’??? Ought i say ‘desire’

instead?? Or: “the desire grew stronger in me” - ....Blech!!! It

all sounds like so many clichés!!! i hate that!***

So what happened really??

Mistress' touch got me feeling very warm, dreamy,

and very horny all of a sudden. That deep down ache, that

wet "...take me, but do it ohhhhh soooo sloooow..."

feeling...

My breathing changed again, my eyes closed - and

all i was completely aware of was Mistress. There was

the sound of the television and the sound of the gas

fireplace blower, but i was focused on Mistress' touch

and my body’s responses.

As She saw me responding the hair play became

more forceful - i love that; it is as if when my head

is held in place by the hair, the rest of my body just

wants to writhe - subtly at first - just gentle

undulations of the hips, and deeper rising and falling

of the chest...hands splayed wider, slowly as if

gripping the carpet - toes curl, thighs parting, and

then - She told me to touch myself - just as i was

about to ask Her permission!
As the sensation of my

fingers on my clit and Mistress pulling on my hair and

playing with my nipples, then taking off the clamps -

i don't remember the order of events now

i just remember it hurt!! and then it felt ever so

sensitive when Mistress touched & rubbed & pinched &

massaged them, and i was glad that it had hurt -

because it had led to the beautiful heightened

sensitivity after, mixed with the more and more

intense pleasure.

i have a tendency to keep my eyes closed a lot

during play, (and during sex) i am imagining things...

i find that the less visual the stimulus the easier

it is to focus on the feelings and sensations.

Perhaps that is why i love being blindfolded; deaden one sense and the others are heightened...

Although i have masturbated to pictures, i find

them secondary to Reading a good erotic passage in

their effectiveness.

So my eyes were closed when Mistress told me to

stay right where i was. She had taken the clamps off

while i was using my fingers on my puss, i think, and

then had asked if i had cum, and i hadn't. She asked

me why not - and i answered that i had been enjoying

the sensations so much where i was that i had wanted

to stay there with those sensations....but that wasn't

the whole of it.

i was telling the truth there -

something that i will often do when i am masturbating on my

own is to get right to the edge and then hold back and

see how long i can stay teetering there before it

either subsides or i go crashing into a climax...-

There were a few fleeting moments while i was

rubbing my pussy and clit that i knew i could send

myself over, but i was not sure whether i should/would

ask for permission - as there has been a kind of a

"standing order" that i should cum when i can during

play but that i must let Mistress know that i am.

Orgasm control is something that fascinates me -

specially cum on command. i know that that takes

a lot of conditioning, but that it is possible.

Anyway, when i said i hadn't cum Mistress told me

to stay put. To not move from where i was.

My hand had slowed its movements between my legs,

as the heat had abated somewhat - and She reminded me

to keep rubbing myself - that no-one had told me to

stop. The gratitude i had at that moment that She had

given me the order to touch myself was doubled from

the amount i felt initially - It was a reminder that

it was SHE who had told me, She who owned my pussy,

and She who has the say over when and how much i can

use it...Thinking about that now i am getting hot and

wet, and i want to touch ‘Her’ pussy (the one between ‘my’

legs...)

i kept my eyes closed and continued to run my

fingers around and around my clit, and up and down the

length of my c u n t, dipping in to gather slipperiness

and going back to the clit...

Mistress came back and started using a vibe on my

hood-ring - and soon i was panting, bucking, and

eventually yelling, crying, laughing and pleading for

permission to cum. For the first time that i can

remember since i have bee with Her, She did not

immediately let me cum. She made me wait.

By this time my hands were curling i think...or was

it earlier - it is all a bit blurry now - but at some

point in time, my hands curled in on themselves, my

nose and mouth and parts of my cheeks got tingly and

numb, and my knees started to go too...i am not

afraid of it now -because i know that it will pass,

and that my breathing has something to do with it as

well as that trance like state.

i was so edgy - whimpering and whining, crying,

moaning, (did i growl too?)and yelling unintelligibly -

then she told me to cum, and it was amazing -it went on

and on like riding the top of a wave long after the

swell of the water has gone - and there is all that

foam and spindrift and frothiness - all light and

bubbly, and you can sink right into it ‘cos its so airy

that it doesn't buoy you up, but underneath there’s

still water, so you can kick up to the top again and

feel that weightless flight from the planet for a few

more instants...

fixed it now...

Just a quick note here to say that despite my best efforts i have yet to figure out how to change the background colour for the previous post...Sorry!

This is a repost of a question i put on the advice lines.
Thoughts and comments are most welcome.

The first time Mistress flogged me i stood stock still and
barely let out a moan. i had never been flogged before and i was focused on feeling the sensations.
i also had the misconception that if i cried out or showed
too much reaction that it would be misinterpreted as meaning
that i couldn't "handle" it, and that play
would stop as a result.

Afer a couple of times of that, Mistress told me that She
wanted to see and hear my reactions to what i was feeling
- that i was to let it out - whether it was tears, yelps, moans
or body language - i was to allow it to flow freely and release
whatever was going on inside me.

The first time i cried during a scene i was baffled and embarrassed.
It didn't hurt that much, and i wasn't sad or upset...so
i couldn't understand why i was crying. Mistress reassured
me and told me it was normal - that it was a release and not
to worry about it.

Now my reactions during a scene vary wildly - from dancing,
hopping and giggling to writhing and moaning. i may cry,
i may even scream. i pant, i laugh, i hold my breath, i rise
up on my toes, rock back and forth, shake uncontrollably...all
sorts of physical reactions, but not many words.

Only recently i have started to become a little
more comfortable using actual words to express how i am
feeling. This is still evolving very slowly.

Partly, i find that it takes away from the flow of things.
i wonder too if it is not really submissive if i speak; to
say -
"oh...that feels good..." or "please,
Mistress, may i have some more?"
or something along
the lines of
"Oh i wish You would just get out Your strap
on and fuck me with it!"
In fact i have thought all of
these things, but never said the last...sigh! Talking "dirty" was never really my forte,
and i have always taken direction much better than given
it.

So! Y/you are probably wondering by now what my question
is!

My questions are as follows:

subs: Do you speak during a scene? If so, what kinds of things do you say?

Doms: How do You feel about Your sub/slave speaking during a scene?
Do You permit/want them to? Encourage them to?

Mar 26, 2007

i am still thinking about the whole thing with having suitors approach me, and my ingrained behaviour patterns around that.
It struck me today, and even yesterday that when i think about turning someone down, i feel a bit guilty. i feel like i am teasing them or something, and worry that they will be angry or hurt...
Is that because i am, or at least have been in the past, afraid of rejection, and so when i think of rejecting someone else, i feel bad about it?
i also feel kind of like it is cruel to be beautiful sometimes...
It is strange, because i had always had a low self image, and never thought i was anything particularly nice to look at. i could always find some fault with myself, and always compared myself to others, which inevitably leads to disappointment. Now that i am feeling more comfortable with my body, and getting lots of compliments on it too (!) i feel a bit bad! Kind of like when i was at one of my first play parties, and i felt like i was showing off or upstaging some of the other subs - not on purpose of course, but it felt strange.
Speaking of showing off, it seems i have a bit more of the exhibitionist in me than i thought! At the fetish event, there was an interesting sense of pride which bordered on a feeling of power, being as exposed as i was. It was weird, because one would think that being half naked in a club full of men and women who were not as naked as i would lead to a feeling of vulnerability and shyness...perhaps nervousness, even fear...But on the contrary, i felt empowered by it. If i had been on my own, i think i would have felt very differently about it, but being there as Mistress' girl...Well...i kind of wished that someone would have hit on me, just so i could get my ego stroked a bit. i liked the look of the friendly black guy who was their all night..wonder if he was gay?
i found myself wondering that about just about everyone there too - "..is she gay? ...is he gay? Are they gay? Lol"
As i wrote that i thought to myself, okay, so you knew that You are Mistress' girl at that party, but how many others even had a clue? Some perhaps, but definitely not all. Strange too in retrospect and even at the time - i thought it rather odd that nne came onto me! Was it because i stuck so close to Mistress and even if it was not obvious to all that She is my Mistress, perhaps it was interpreted as U/us being together. Looking from my side, with the knowledge i have is so different from trying to imagine what others perceive.

When Mistress first had me on the table, i kept thinking,"Hmmmff...! Nne is even watching - and of course that kept me from getting into the sensations of it. A lot of the noises i did make that night were not genuine...because i wasn't finding the groove i was kind of making it up...Sorry Mistress - i know that is not the right thing to do -kind of like faking an orgasm - but i really wanted to put on a good show for the people who were actually watching. Later when i saw the girl with the nice young body and dark hair writhing around on the table, i wondered how much of her movements were genuine...Was she really getting off on it? The kissing was something i had never even thought of - wonder what that feels like? specially for the one doing the kissing! When i was watching her - i thought to myself that i probably looked pretty silly when Mistress was wanding me...i bet i looked awkward and very unsexy - not erotic at all...
i know that probably isn't true, and it is mostly in my head - but that is what i thought.
On the other hand, when Mistress had me on the edge of the dance floor and was binding me in the rope i felt incredibly sexy and proud. There was an almost instant crowd which gathered around to watch, and it was a shame that there was not much length to the rope that Mistress brought. i wonder what they thought of me up there with my breasts bared in public, getting tied up...and what they thought would happen next?
While Mistress was doing the rope-work, i was trying to imagine what it might feel like to be (in Denver?) on display for people who live and understand the lifestyle. Maybe though, in that s scenario, nne would gather round to watch, because they would be so used to seeing that kind of stuff that it would not be as exciting or interesting to them as it would to a bunch of mostly vanilla people!
Being in the bar wasn't too bad - i didn't like the smell of the booze, and at the very first par to of the night, i did have that one little moment, of "wouldn't it be nice...?" But it passed quickly. There is a little bit of jealousy towards people who can just have one or two drinks...but by the end of the night it was obvious that there are many who set out to only have a couple and end up having way many more than they ought to - and it made me wonder how absolutely foolish i must have looked all those years that i drank like a fish and babbled what i thought was brilliant and entertaining conversation at people. Now when i see and hear people getting drunk, it just makes me feel sad and a little embarrassed for them.

i think i will have to go shopping for a nice couple of fifty foot lengths for Her - maybe one black and one white? What do You think Mistress?

gosh, it is only one and my eyes are already fading. Today was hard - i hate headaches, and it still hirts a bit. i almost went back to bed, but there was too much to do, and i still didnt get all i wanted to done. going to take a little break here, nad get a snack - maybe a little bit of sugar will help me continue for a bit, and i can also think up what i want to do to make myself cum.
this evening in the hot-tub, i was fantasizing about cumming while the clamps were being taken off my nipples and the blood was boing forced back into them so tht the pain would be intense and the orgasm would combine the two. Of coure Mistress in case You are thinking now, "She better not have gone into the toys - ..." No Ma'am, i know better than to touch the toys without permission, and besides, that little fantasy is not one that i am alone in. i was also fantasising again about what it would be like to 69 with Mistress, and wonder if that kind of sexual contact will ever be part of Mistress' play with me, and wondering if it is something that She ever fantasizes about...
okay, break time now

This is an entry from my journal - i pasted it here from my blog on alt...
i just wanted to share a little epiphany that i had
this evening when i was thinking about the other night
when Mistress and Sir and Sir were all topping
me, and it had become pretty much purely sexual.
Mistress had told me to cum, and i was very, very, very
close, but just not quite there, and then both Mistress
and Sir asked me what it was that i needed. My
response, the nervous not sure what to say and not
used to asking response was that i needed "more"...

Lame, i know!
My focus was on achieving an orgasm, and so,
because that is what has been the fastest and most
efficient route there in the past, i asked for more
vibe on my clit. i remember being frustrated that i
could feel the dildo or vibe in my pussy, but couldn't
feel any rabbit ears going, and i was pretty sure it was
the rabbit, just no “bunnies climbing the tree” vibes.

So when i was asked what i wanted more of i asked for
more intense clit stimulation.
Throughout the last
few days, i have put some thought into the scene, my
reactions and so on, and it occurred to me tonight that
if the fact that pain is becoming more and more of a
turn on, like the real pain, not what i thought was
pain eight months ago (!) then perhaps what would have
been just as effective or at least an alternate avenue
of stimulus, would have been to ask for some form of
pain - Hard spanks maybe, or the crop hitting me
between the legs...
Pain has been something that has sent me over the
edge before coming into the lifestyle - specially in
situations where i was so focused on trying to cum
that i couldn’t. Sometimes the during sensation of
having a dildo or fingers inside, vibes, even being
fisted...well it becomes too set in one particular
pattern, so it loses its effectiveness.

******** i think what happens when i am given the pain during the sex, is that it distracts me from focusing on trying to cum – it takes me out of my head, and into my body more...that way i am not “trying” to do anything, which usually results on me not being able to cum because i am trying so hard i cant relax and let it happen.
When i am distracted from the thought process by pain or from sensory overload i am just feeling.
Just realized as i was reading this, that perhaps it is somewhat ego based to say that anything would lose it’s effectiveness – after all, it is the Dominant’s place to decide what is or isn’t effective, and unless such as in this circumstance where i was asked for my need in order to cum for Mistress, then it would not be my place to say that anything is ineffective! If it is working for the Dom that is all that really matters. *************

*****
the short version of all this is that i think that
adding pain to the mix of intense pleasure at the point
of orgasm could be very effective at chucking me over
that edge.
i remember when Mistress was playing with me
some time ago in the living room and out of the blue,
She rolled me over and spanked me. Later on i wished
that She had been spanking me when i was having an
orgasm. And today, i am thinking that i would like to
experience that.

**********Mistress...is it wrong for me as a sub/slave to say that i would like to experience something? i have read some things that speak of a slave being so ego-less that they desire nothing more than to please their owner. Do i need to be so selfless that i lose my own desires and wants? Or is it about expressing them appropriately? Does a slave ask? i mean, suppose Master BlackWulf’s girl had a desire to experience something, would she be expected/permitted to express that desire as long as she had no expectations of it being fulfilled?
Sometimes i worry about that. i think that it comes from reading some of the more hard-core (mostly gorean it seems) rules for slaves. i am imagining Your answer to these questions Mistress and think that You might say something along the lines of it is up to the individual – and that each Dom is different, as is each submissive. There are probably slaves who do not have the right to express their own wants, and Masters to fit that...
i hope that whomever it is that becomes my Dom will be the right fit too...
Sometimes i worry too that i have it too easy with You Mistress, because i know that You are kind and sometimes less than stringent with rules; that Your preferences are what You have taught me. Do You think that to some i will appear quite rough around the edges?

Tonight You told me that Master BlackWulf is planning to hold a high protocol dinner when W/we go to Denver. Yikes!
What if i do not know what to do?
How to serve properly?
How can i be presented as a trained “kajira”?!
Ought i start to practice the speech restrictions that the Goreans use, such as no use of pronouns for slaves when referring to themselves?
What about the formal way of asking to perform any action without using the words “may i...” or “permission to...”?
This afternoon while You were out, i was fantasizing again about getting tickets to Denver, but one of the things that has stopped me from acting on this, is the fact that i would not be able to go ahead and book a flight because i need to be sure that we would both have the time off. Then i realized that maybe i could just buy a nice chunky gift certificate. That way Sir couldn’t complain of the expense, as it wouldn’t be Him paying for Your ticket.
i have to admit that because W/we have been talking about going to Denver for a while, and have yet to book the time off or make definite travel plans, there are times when doubt creeps in, and i wonder if it will ever really happen.
As far as traveling overland with Sir goes, i think it would probably be a very intense lesson in surrender, tolerance and acceptance for me. *lol*
i also think that it would take too long, and cost much more than flying. But i have said these things before...so i must just be patient for now.

Back to the other night:
The orgasm i had the night that Mistress and Sir and Sir all topped me was incredibly intense, and i wonder what it would have felt like to have that combined with intense pain. i suppose the trick would be for all those involved to be able to recognize when i was there, and administer some form of pain at the precise moment i began to cum – not too soon, or it might stop me achieving the ‘gasm.

Hmmm...i wonder if the word orgasm is directly derived from spasm...grins! Organ spasm?? lol

i wondered at one point whether i was going to squirt – it kind of felt like i did – perhaps only a little bit. In the pas,t with S, he insisted that i had squirted. i don’t understand why it is such a turn on for men. For me it is more embarrassing, but i suppose that is linked to the notion that sex is a dirty sordid sinful activity, not a natural bodily function. It amazes me how much that can affect me on a subconscious level, given that i was not raised religious. It seems to permeate people’s psyches no matter their upbringing or religion or lack thereof. Maybe it has been ingrained for so many centuries that it becomes an almost cellular belief system. Another Sir had mentioned at one point that the girl he has under a collar of consideration is a squirter and He seemed rather happy about it. Is it because the girl is truly beyond any notion of self control when she is squirting?
At the beginning when i was cuffed and strung up, and i first realized i was wet, my initial reaction was embarrassment – kind of like a child who has wet themselves, but much milder, and i instinctively brought my legs closer together to hide it, and thought about trying to squirm my thighs together in such a way as to stop the wetness from forming a strand that would hang down and be in full view.
Years ago, when i first met S and we were in treatment together in Victoria, i used to get so wet that i had to wipe myself, or it would have soaked right thru my jeans. i remember walking around the inner harbour, and we had been talking and kissing a bit, and i had to duck out of sight of the other people in the area to use a tissue to wipe, because i was to ridiculously wet!!
**********

***********
When Sir was in my mouth and Mistress was fisting me...that feeling of fullness, and of being used, but also of having some form of ...is it Domination? There is a kind of power in giving a blowjob. Maybe it’s because sucking a guy’s cock one is not something that is entirely taken from me – except in the case of rape – it is something that i am doing to the guy, as well as something He is doing to me. There is also an element of danger and trust for both involved with it – i could use my teeth...damage could be done...He could go so deep that i would not be able to breath...and that is something that i like too – when it is so deep in my throat that i know that it is up to Him to let up and allow me to catch my breath.
Years ago, when i was still up at the “lake”, back from thailand, but not yet with R, i had a crush on this bad ass guy.... Mike “the knife” they called him. He was an ex-con failed bank robber. There were a few of them who had all either done time together or done crimes together, and they drank and did dope and i ended up partying with them a fair bit. It was what i affectionately refer to as “my year in the ditches” when things were really pretty crazy and i was sleeping in the rough sometimes, and couch surfing all over the place, crashing parties, closing the bar every night and going home with whoever would have me. It was the year i turned thirty one and did not want to grow up. i think it was a form of denial, as well as maybe kind of having the teenage-hood that i had never had as a kid.
“The Knife” had a girlfriend, and so when he and i did have sex it was always on the sly. It didn’t happen too often, and when it did it was never really any good for me – he was too fast, and didn’t really give a shit what i felt – He used me for his pleasure and treated me like dirt, but i kept going back for more. i still don’t really understand why, except that i was a horny girl, and was so desperate for attention that i was willing to degrade myself to get it. i remember him making me give him a blowjob in the dark on my knees in a vacant lot near the lake – it was summer, and warm out, and i was staying a couple of doors down from where he was living with his pregnant girlfriend. We had all been drinking and once the party died down, i snuck out with him. Another time in a very similar scenario, he made me get naked in the same place, which was just a few yards from the main road, so close that if someone had driven by and really looked even at night the lights would have lit us up. He got me naked and then fucked me quickly from behind while i stood bent over holding my ankles trying to keep my balance hoping i wouldn’t fall face first into the gravel. He came fast, and then just left me there, all hot and bothered and naked in the dark on my own...
Another time there was a group of us swimming in the lake and i was swimming underwater and went to try to swim between his legs, and he grabbed me under the water and forced his cock into my mouth and would not let me come up for air. One of the other guys actually had to stop him that time, because they saw that i was in distress and thrashing around under the water. i came up crying and coughing and he just laughed it off. That scared me...i really thought that time that maybe he was more dangerous than i could handle and that he might hurt or even kill me, but it wasn’t the last time i saw him. Years later i heard that he head been killed or died of an o.d... i forget which. i think it was killed – i could see that happening – he was so ignorant and violent and completely lacking integrity, that he probably really pissed off the wrong person.

it is late and time for sleep...these words are just a free flow of thoughts and memories...

Suffice it to sat that i am soooooo grateful to be alive and safe. Under collar in thecare and protection of Mistress i have been given the opportunity to fulfill deep and dark fantasies in a safe sane and consensual setting....i love it!

This is copied from Mistress Crystal profile/ journal written shortly after the collaring ceremony:

3/7/2007 9:26:34 PM: I am pleased to announce that doodle has now completed her six months of training and is now in a service and protection collar to Me and House BlackWulf. We hope to, in the next couple of months, take a trip to Denver where she will be presented by Master Blackwulf to the bdsm community as a trained submissive/slave.

Life is very full, the journey continues w/ joy and good fortune. Still patiently seeking, still serving..life is good!

doormat Male Submissive, 30, Maribor	dooshboy Male Submissive, 54, toronto ont	Dooda Male Submissive, 53, NW Florida, Florida	DoolbSnogard Male Dominant, 26, Ticonderoga, New York
DoomedtoDom Male Dominant, 56, Ontario	Doolin Male Dominant, 51, Tahlequah, Oklahoma	doors Male Dominant, 56, Central Jersey, New Jersey	doodoodunker Male Submissive, 53, dc, Washington D.C.
doofla Male Submissive, 55, Liverpool	doormat4Goddes Male Submissive, 49, Boston, North Carolina	doormat1 Male Submissive, 25, West Midlands	DoormatRequire Male Dominant, 39, Australia

doodle64

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