Desirestokneel

Dominant Couple, 47, Cherry Hill, New Jersey

Female Submissive, 20

Male Submissive, 34, Seattle, Washington

I am going to take a break from the site for a while. I will still check my messages from time to time, though. I'm not sure where my future is going in regards to this lifestyle, but right now, I think it is best if I step away.

Please note, the previous journal was not meant to make my Master look bad. It was posted to work through my own feelings about my path as His slave. I do not question Him, merely my feelings.

It's been a few days since my last session, but I must say it still weighs heavily on my mind. This was another discipline session, as I had once again failed to live up to my Master's demands and expectations. You must realize that as a perfectionist my failures hit me very hard. The fact of the matter is, I asked my Mastet to discipline me for my behavior even after He had given me a pass. I suppose, some of you might think me a gluten for punishment (and after all, isn't what part of being a submissive consists of), but this is not the case. I merely wanted Him to know I recognized my follies and was willing to atone for them. However, this session was not what I had envisioned in the days leading up. In fact, I was very surprised at how I felt following out encounter. One feeling or word does not suffice in description. The first indicator of how different te session was to be should have been my Master's lack of attention toward me in the days just prior to our meeting. I gave this up to His hectic schedule; however. The next omen was probably the fact that work called me right as He walked into the room. In this instance, I was too excited about His presence to realize how this might affect things. I was waiting in my living room in a pair of black thigh highs, the ones with a seam in back, and bright res heels. Barr of everything else, to include makeup and jewelry. He started by spanking me, with His hand (which; although it stings, also leaves me quite titillated) while stretching me across His lap. I could feel His other arm pinning me close to His torso. Something about the way He holds me like that feels so right. But, as hard as I tried to not cry out, fight, or squirm, instinct took over. My Master used duct tape to bind my hands and my mouth (this is a fantasy of mine that we have previously explored). At which point the discipline seemed to evolve in aggressiveness. This time there were hardly any kind words or gentlemess to help ease my physical or emotional discomfort. To pace the pain. Nothing to help me endure. My Master moved me to my kitchen table, still bound in tape, and tied my wrists to the leg. He then proceeded to whip and paddle me. Again, He gave nothing but correction. I think this is when I started to realize how different the session was, even from the other times of discipline. This made it harder to submit, but I instinctively wanted to run and protect myself. Eventually, as I was straddling Him, both of us naked, His skin warm against mine (as if He had just come from outside) I just wanted to feel His lips against mine. The way He kisses me turns me into jello. I let myself slide onto Him and wanted to cum right there. But, Even when He fucked me, it felt different. Almost uncaring and distant. He has shown even less attention than before the discipline. I don't know, maybe He has tired of me. Perhaps I have become to difficult to Him to be worth the effort. I try to convince myself that it is just that He is busy, but deep down I think I am kidding myself. I feel myself growing angry and doubtful. Not at Him. At myself. I feel, not worthless, but worth very little to Him. This is not a feeling I am accustom to, nor is it one that I relish.

I am an owned slave. I am the property of my Master. I do as he wishes. Whatever he wishes, whenever he wishes. I am very up front about this. Nothing I do, say, or write is hidden from my Master. If you are not comfortable with this there is no need to contact me.

Perhaps it is a deep seeded need for punishment that truly drives me to act so petulantly. If I have to be perfectly honest, I relish my Master's punishments. I fear them, yes. But, it always turns me on to see how much I can handle before I break. I need him to punish me, or I would be lost in this lifestyle.

Apparently, my self doubt and inability to accept "as is" makes me question my Master's commands. I thought I was simply concerned about my well being, but I did not realize I was actually questioning and second guessing my Master. For that I am whole hearted sorry to Him. I should trust that my Master has my best intentions in mind at all times, that as His property He would never hurt me. I have failed I'm my place as His slave. I can only beg for His forgiveness, as I have no right to ask for it. My only hope is that He will not chose to forsake me, that He will continue to teach me in my role, that He will continue to guide me as His slave. Master, I will do better. I beg that you forgive me my laps.

Limits... When I first began this journey I had no idea what my limits would be. I only had an very small idea of what I DID NOT want to try. Most of those "limits" are simply things that I have already fantasizes about but re wives no gratification from doing so. One of the acts that I did not want to try, but relented to was anal sex. This was only b/c I have tried to perform it before with out success. However, my Master LOVES anal sex. This posses a problem for me...please me Master by completely turning myself over to him, or hold back little piece of me. I had not yet decided my answer. Today, was what might be called a day of reconning. I had previously shared my desire to be restrained spread eagle, have my mouth duct taped, and be "force" fucked. I just never realized that when I handed that kind of control over what could actually happen. The feel of him forcing himself into my ass that has never actually been penetrated made me scream out. I was terrified he would split me in half. Yet, the feel of his body holding me down turned me on. His hands pulling my hair and wrapping around my throat made me want to give in, but the pain made the tears come. The way he hit me, whip, paddle, crop, hand. It hurt every time he hit me, but I eventually stopped fitting it, I stopped squirming...there was no use. There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. I never thought I could be "broken" in, but if I had to put a term on what happened, that is what I would call it. He took my ass with out asking, but I would not have it any other way. I still have not found "limits" to this life, but I have found that I want more...much, much more of this

Do not misunderstand, I LOVE being a slave. It is such a thrill to know I do not have to think or decide. That my every move is controlled by another person, inside and outside of the bedroom. However, I LOVE being the boss at work. It is such a turn on to tell the group of guys working for me how to do the job. There is something intense about a woman who can hold her own in a male's world.

I DO NOT RUN!!! However, time constraints have not permitted a recent play session with my Master, I had to do something to get the frustration out! Yet, I STILL FRUSTRATED!!!

Had friends set me up on a blind date last night. I went with my Master's permission, though I wish I had stayed home with a glass of cheap wine and a Red Box DVD. The guy was fairly attractive, mid forties, good job, but about as exciting as reading the dictionary. I suppose the upside is, I am definitely ready for another session with my Master.

You have to know when enough is enough, when you are too hard, when I am breaking. Dispite what you see, I fragile, I do break, I am human, it does hurt.

As most of you who have read my profile know, I am quite new to the BDSM lifestyle. Although I have known that I was very different from a very young age, I was introduced to it much by accident. In fact, my Master know what I was far sooner than I did. I suppose this has to do with the fact I tries to conform to societal views instead of accepting my uniqness, and in fact, embracing it. It has only been within the last six months that I have actually begun to feel comfortable in my womanhood, let alone embrace my inner most desires. I have also only been open to BDSM for about two months. Before then, I had only had hidden desires, and I never thought I would be able to experience them. In fact, I still have trouble admitting what they are, even to my Master, b/c I have suppressed them so long. One thing I can admit, I feel different. I feel frees, like I belong, like I no longer have to hide. And...I like it!!! I don't think I'll ever regret my life after this!!!

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