ELECTRIC FENCE AND A LAWNMOWER
Try not to laugh out
loud as you read this story.... . For those of us who do work in the
yard occasionally. . Remember the checklist!
We have the standard 6
ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about
burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure
this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the
biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for?26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it?7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart
6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the
mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of
the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing
there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7
giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the
fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who
would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you
cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only
did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM
you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in
between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm
about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My
hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up
on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had
those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not
let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me
through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm
thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if
it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee,
and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze
die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
remains there, like a big bore roller cam?EFI?motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the
middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard,
begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me
there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created..
I honestly don't know
how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours
later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the
day and I was sunburned.
There were two large
dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground
still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek?
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close...
6- The lawnmower runs
like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out
some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after
that.
7- My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are now almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my
life. I now have a new found respect for things.. I appreciate the
little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the
fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that
if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize
what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and
fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.
