Descara

A few weeks ago me and my sub-in-training discussed anticipation. I tried explaining to her the difference between anticipating my needs in order to make her feel like she?s being a good submissive versus anticipating my needs because it pleases me and it makes my life easier, richer. For some it might be difficult to discern the different between the two. Simply put, in the first instance the action of anticipating is to serve the submissive?s needs. The latter serves the Mistress?s.

When it comes to D/s being a good submissive is hardly the goal. First of all it?s entirely too subjective. We throw around the word ?good? like there?s some universally agreed-upon definition, when a quick glance-over of any given religious doctrine (not to mention other biased works) would quickly prove otherwise. (I count Oxford dictionary among the biased works, by the way.) Secondly, ?good? submission is simply a byproduct of the D/s exchange. That both individuals find the exchange fulfilling and rewarding, that the Dominant?s needs are put first are the goals. Whether or not the submissive is good at it is a whole other story. When a submissive focuses her efforts on being a good submissive, versus pleasing her Mistress, her actions become skewed. They become about looking good and about her feeling good about herself. The exchange can sometimes become about constantly reinforcing to the submissive that ?all is well? or feeding the submissive?s exhibitionism, or her perfectionist tendencies. In short, the exchange becomes about the submissives needs.

This skewing plays out when the submissive does something that pleases the Mistress, but the submissive walks away without the sense of feeling like a good submissive. Oh the mindfuck that ensues! And the acting out (especially for those submissives of the bratty persuasion). There?s this quote I?ve seen on several ceramic tchotchkes that says, ?If Mama ain?t happy then nobody?s happy.? I?d like to offer up the inverse: ?If Mistress is happy, be happy.?

When the focus is on pleasing the Mistress, the Mistresses needs are solidly put first. If the submissive successfully meets the Mistresses needs, pleases the Mistress, make the Mistress?s life easier, richer, and the submissive is gratified by acting in such accordance, the need to qualify the submissive as ?good? is of little importance.

This all falls under the topic of anticipating the Mistress?s needs, because too many times I have found myself interrupting my sub-in-training?s effort to anticipate my needs when she?s done so in a way that was more obtrusive than helpful. And when we?ve discussed the motivation behind this skewed version of anticipating my needs it, it?s always made evident that her actions were based upon her trying to be a ?good submissive.?

EXAMPLE: One day I tell my submissive to get undressed and to present herself to me in front of the couch. Because my submissive knows that I have a thing about clothes being folded neatly, and because she struggles with this task, she takes endless moments folding and refolding her clothes in an attempt to make them into perfect, pile-able squares. Meanwhile, I?m sitting on the couch, her training collar in hand, bored out of my mind, and ready to get on with it.

Don?t get me wrong, her being able to fold her clothes neatly would please me greatly. But in that moment what I needed her to do was to present herself to me so that we could being training. Instead, she decided that the priority was working on her folding skills. When I asked her why she made that decision, she gave me a quizzical look ? like she didn?t quite understand what she had done wrong, because she was, after all, doing something that she knew I wanted her to do ? and she said she was trying to please me. I asked her if she thought it would please me more to eat away at our time doing what she wanted to do or to do the thing I asked her to do. Obviously she chose the latter. She was definitely confused, and it?s understandable why. Her focus was on doing the right thing and being a good submissive. Her focus should have been on following my present-moment order, which would have pleased me most. What can I say? I enjoy giving orders. I enjoy having my orders followed. It?s that little thing inside of me called ?Dominant.?

Besides, very rarely do I have ?ALL DAMN DAY.?

Quite the quandary for a sub-in-training, right? Of course. But if the submissive is focused on anticipating the Mistress?s needs in order to please the Mistress versus anticipating in order to meet her own needs, the correct action should be a little clearer. Take your clothes off, fold them as best you can, then get your naked, unworthy ass in front of me, on your knees, hands at the small of your back, eyes lowered?PRONTO!

Right?

Right.

This is not to say that positive reinforcement is unimportant in submissive training. It is indeed a critical aspect. But it is not the point of the D/s exchange. I have learned from this particular dynamic the importance of asking future submissives the extent to which positive reinforcement motivates their need for submission and service. That?s not to say that it would be a deal breaker, but it?s definitely good to know. Serving me should be the source of a submissive?s gratification, not feeling like one is a good submissive. Anticipating my needs should be motivated accordingly.

Yesterday's rope group meeting was great. The extremely experienced, fun-loving Dov from New York led the group on a wonderful jaunt called "assymetric bondage." Several things I loved about his teaching style: he used nothing but hemp...his batch including natural and dyed red; he demonstrated several different styles of assymetry -- one bottom partially suspended, one lying full-bodied on the floor, and one seated on the floor -- and he used vibrators on all of them:); finally (and this was the best part), he let me join in!

During the play that followed the presentation I got to use my nose hook on the fabulous femcar. The nose hook is a powerful, tiny, little toy, fyi, for those of you who are into sadistic bondage. The hook was lodged into her nose and was attached to a thin piece of hemp rope, which I pulled up and over the center of her head to the crown. I used the remaining length to create really tight hair bondage and then secured the end of that to the back of her chest harness. You should have seen her!  her head was completely pulled back and any attempt to pull it forward only caused the prongs on the nose hook to dig in further. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Tears just poured from her eyes as she endured the dual stinging sensation of the hook and her hair being pulled from the scalp by the hemp tie.

The rest of the evening was filled with clamps and latex, and silicon - Oh My! Let's just say the voyeurs in the room went home very satisfied:)

I often say that bondage can be the appetizer or it can be the main entree (rope marks are always the dessert). Yesterday it was pretty difficult to tell which was the case. Either way, it was quite the feast.

So a question to the wise, the kinky, and curious: if you live in the Chicago area and you haven't come to a Nawa Shibari Chicago group meeting, Whachu doin??

I am in a state of shock and outrage over a situation where the submissive of a dear friend of mine renounced service and abruptly moved out of my friend?s home. Rest assured, my friend is an amazing, fair and ethical Domme. I do not believe that the circumstances that led to the submissive?s action were caused by the Domme?s treatment or ill-treatment. I spent the better part of this year observing my friend?s  command and care of her submissive as well as the overall nature of their relationship and I was continually inspired (if not a bit envious). I believed them both to be very lucky to have found one another. And then this happened... All I can say is I am stunned. I can only imagine the level of betrayal my friend feels, but on some level I feel it too. I believed my friend to be in very good hands, her submissive to be lucky as hell, and I found renewed faith in the success and viability of 24/7 D/s. I feel that this submissive?s actions have betrayed that trust, in small part to me and in an unfathomable amount to my friend.  It is a testament to the fact that D/s relationships are a huge risk to everyone involved, not just to the submissive.

All I can say to anyone is know thyself. Know what you want and why you want it. Learn to communicate what you want clearly and honesty. Really, it?s the only way to ensure that you get exactly what you want. Know what you can give, why you choose to give it and under what circumstances giving it might prove difficult. Know when your feelings have changed and learn to communicate those changing feelings. Keep your commitments to the very end, no matter how bitter that end might become. Most importantly, recognize that you are just as much responsible for your D/s relationship as the other person. It is, after all, a relationship. If one person in that relationship forfeits responsibility for that relationship it will indeed fail.

D/s is not the dynamic that affords anyone the opportunity to endlessly get their needs met without having to take any responsibility for themselves, their D/s partner, or for their own actions. That was a luxury afforded to many of us during childhood. No matter how grand the D/s dynamic is, or how grand we imagine it to be, we can never truly capture or recapture the whimsical ideal state of childhood.

With these terms and these definitions, which best describes where you want to go with your submission?

Bottom into play without offering submission/service

Submissive "chooses constantly to submit once" she serves for single actions only, without giving the expectation of lasting submission. Most often submits in play/scenes.

Slave "chooses once to submit constantly" she has opened up more of her life to another's control as well as setting the expectation that she submits from one time to another.

True Slave she has offered herself completely with no limits, no expectations to serve another. May or may not have a time limit upon her service

Pet much like "True Slave" but in a much less human role... she is not treated as though capable of independent action or higher thought.

Servant she serves willingly to her abilities and talents. The focus is not sexual, but in being able to better someone else's life

I don't think I've made myself very clear here, so I will attempt to do so now. I am NOT looking for a male personal slave. If you are male and have longed to be owned by, played with, teased by, toyed with, or humiliated by a dominant female, I applaude your choice and wish you luck in your search. But I am NOT the one.

I do play with men. I'm just not in search of men to play with. If you capture my eye I will contact you. Please stop messaging me with your lists of interests and promises.

I KNOW the woman of your dreams is out there. She's just not in HERE.

Good luck to you.

~~Descara