Cravings...

I miss so many things.

• The sharp feeling of pain inflicted by someone I trust and respect.
• The moment when I feel a cuff or rope tighten around my wrist.
• The feel of a strong man close to me as he decides how to use me for his pleasure.
• The swish of a flogger through the air.
• The crack of a firm hand against my ass.
• The serenity I feel when I sit quietly at someone’s feet.
• The desire to please someone however he wants.
• The feeling of being pushed and succeeding at pleasing him with my efforts.
• The quick intense pain of a clamp being applied to a delicate part of my body.
• The peace and clarity that comes with belonging to another.

Part of one of my most favourite songs ever... always makes me feel confident to be who I am and not who someone wants me to be.

Be exactly who you want to be, do what you want to do.

I am he and she is she, but you're the only you.

No one else has got your eyes, can see the things you see.

It's up to you to change your life and my life's up to me.

The problems that you suffer from are problems that you make.

The shit we have to climb through is the shit we choose to take.

If you don't like the life you lead, change it now it's yours.

Nothing has effect if you don't recognise the cause.

If the program's not the one you want, get up, turn off the set.

It's only you that can decide what life you're going to get.

If you don't like religion you can be the antichrist.

If you’re tired of politics you can be an anarchist.

But no one ever changed the church by pulling down the steeple.

And you'll never change the system by bombing number ten

Systems just aren't made of bricks they're mostly made of people

You may send then into hiding, but they'll be back again

If you don't like the rules they make, refuse to play their game.

If you don't want to be a number, don't give in your name

If you don't want to be caught out, refuse to hear their question.

Silence is a virtue; use it for your own protection.

They'll try to make you play their game, refuse to show your face.

If you don’t want to be beaten down, refuse to join their race.

Be exactly who you want to be, do what you want to do

I am he and she is she but you're the only you.

Feeling hurt and tempted to just go back into my shell. Why does it need to be so complicated for some?

Well... I am at least capable of making one decision and sticking to it. I finally ordered a new laptop - looking forward to getting it in a few weeks.

I'm not going to let myself back away yet again. I'm not ignoring my needs any longer.

The desire to find someone suitable has been re-awakened, and I want to be sure it's the right fit. This week was hard to want something and yet know it was beyond my capabilities. Having to make the decision not to go forward was incredibly difficult, but I am not one to play games, so I took things seriously and could not offer what would have been demanded of me.

Yet the desire is still there - in the past I would have gone back into hiding and tried to ignore this, but I don't want to let that happen now. Not seeking perfection, but I do want to find someone who offers what I truly need on a D/s level. I don't want a play partner, but I'm also not able to commit to some intense time-consuming dynamic due to the realities of my life and the other demands on my time. It's hard to find someone who you click with - who I can respond to on a D/s level without letting that take me over.

But hopefully I will find that... find someone to serve, to please, who will guide me and use me and teach me and help me learn so much about myself and submission.

Backing away again... I know I will regret it (I already do), but I just don't have the inner strength. Harder to handle that disappointment than I ever thought it would be.

One step closer... will I go through with it or run away with my tail between my legs. Only time will tell, I guess.

I'm still on the precipice of something wonderful, scary, amazing and overwhelming. There are NO DOUBTS in my mind about what direction I want to go in, but having doubts now about myself. I worry that I won't be good enough, I won't have enough to offer, I won't be able to please or serve as desired.

I also find myself asking the question... why me? When someone has a richness of choice at his or her disposal, I cannot fathom what I would have to offer compared to that... not saying I have nothing of value. While my self-confidence is shaky, I do know that I do have value and worth, but it still surprises me that I might appeal to someone as something more than a passing curiousity.

Taking one tentative step over the edge - but in a holding pattern for now. Good things come to those who wait, I'm sure.

Still at the edge... wanting it so bad, but scared. I truly want to take the leap but just making sure.

I'm on the edge of new things... do I take the leap? Or do I step back from the edge yet again?

Wow - years since my last entry. Hard to believe when I'm so verbose in most messages on this site.

I'm in a bit of a holding pattern right now - I've put things on the back burner for the past two years for various reasons and I'm now starting to really want to get back to things. Unfortunately, it's like starting over from the beginning, and it's hard to find the courage to seek out partners that are well suited to me (as I am to them).

Hopefully I can make some new friends, and perhaps even meet up with someone compatible. My biggest downfall has always been my self-confidence and feeling self-conscious about things, so that's a huge struggle for me as it's hard to put myself out there and expose myself in so many ways to another person.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this type of struggle, but I know it's something I need to fix for myself - I can't look to others to give me confidence or reassurance. It has to come from within me.

I'm trying to make changes so that's easier to do... hopefully it won't take too long as the hormones are REALLY starting to make themselves known. lol

It’s been a while (yet again) since I last wrote a BLOG entry, but hopefully I’ll be able to keep things up on a more regular posting schedule.

The past month or so has been a wee bit overwhelming to me at times. I’m trying very hard to move forward with my explorations in bdsm, but I do know that means I’m moving at a snail’s pace - but at least I am moving forward for the first time in a couple of years.

After four years of chatting incredibly frequently with a Dominant I consider both a friend and a mentor, we finally got our act together and spent an afternoon/evening with one another. It wasn’t for play, it wasn’t for anything intimate - it was just an effort to do what we’d been trying to do for so many years, but always let slide away from us because of conflicting schedules, other issues that needed our attention or misunderstandings. The day was wonderful, and a lot of fun and it was great to be with someone who can make me feel both incredibly welcome and comfortable on one level, and yet keep me completely off kilter on other levels.

In addition to that fun day, I’ve also been blessed with the opportunity to play with someone I trust and care for deeply. The two experiences we’ve shared over the past month have been incredible, and our focus is so specific and so positive that I think we both got a great deal out of it. For perhaps the first time ever, I’m trying to be much better at voicing my needs and desires, but also trying to do so in appropriate ways and at appropriate times. It’s wonderful to have someone not just listen to my thoughts and desires, but actually seek out my opinion and integrate it into his plans for our time together. The result has been spectacular. While the play has been intense and overwhelming at times, and has pushed me in new and unexpected ways, it’s been a real growing experience for me because my faith in him has not been tested in any way. My faith in myself is still a bit shaky, but hopefully that too will strengthen over time.

I’m still unsure if I should go to any events again. The few munches I went to were uncomfortable and made me feel very much like an outsider. It wasn’t that anyone was rude or dismissive - the people I spoke to were all friendly and welcoming. It just still felt weird because so many new people were there that I did not know at all, and I didn’t have the courage to really say hello to or chat with the few people that I did recognize.

Oh well… even at a snail’s pace, I am seeing that I am moving forward and that is definitely a good thing.

Yet lately I'm feeling that my hormones seem to be dictating some of my decisions, and it's new territory for me. So far, I've been able to keep them somewhat under control... but I still feel the pull of just indulging in my desires without thought of anything beyond that.

This isn't like me at all *grins*

I don't mind giving into my hormones once I've got all my ducks in a row (so to speak) on every other aspect of any potential play session... and as it seems to take a lot for me to get my ducks in a row (hence my having really only ever had two bdsm play partners), my hormones take a back seat very often.

Is that why they're kicking up such a ruckus lately? Will indulging them a bit make them shut up, or will it just open the floodgates, so to speak?

I guess only time will tell... which will win? Brain cells or hormones? Any bets?

I don't think I've ever used the 'journal' feature before, but I figured I'd see if I could add a few things over time.

I've now been on this site for a little while, and I've had a chance to chat with some very interesting people but nothing has really developed. For the most part, I think I'm waiting for someone to really spark my interest - and that seems to be hard to find at times.

What I don't entirely understand are the people who message you with one-line messages that don't really say much at all, and when you read their profiles, there's almost no information there either. I try not to blow people off... not everyone feels comfortable expressing themselves in writing, but when I ask them a few times for a bit more info about themselves and also what it is they want/need/are looking for, and get back one-line responses that are vague and generic (e.g., "I'm looking for a submissive to play with on a regular basis").

But for now, I've been enjoying this site and most of the people I've had a chance to chat with.