delicateme

I am thinking about being a probation officer or paralegal. 

Thoughts are welcome

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not too difficult but.... To make a

woman happy, a man only needs

to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a plumber

10. a mechanic

11. a carpenter

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments

regularly

45. Go shopping with her

46. be honest

47. be financially stable

48. not stress her out

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU

MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention

51. give her lots of time,

especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space

Someone pointed out some other qualities I missed that he must have so here they are

53 Be telepathic, because you're male and couldn't pick up a hint with both hands.

54 Be prescient. because otherwise you're never going to see it coming.

55 Learn to suppress your own gag reflex, because of the number of times you'll have to just swallow your argument and nod Yes, Dear

This one is my favorite!

56 That telepathy thing? You'll really need it to be able to tell when she WANTS you to nod Yes, Dear and when she'd rather you put on your Dom Suit and be manly and assertive :o)

I have been in my own home for just over a month now.

 We have a tree up early and lots of snowmen all over my house (I love snowmen).

 We may not have a Thanksgiving dinner, or presents under the tree this year, but we did get the best Christmas present ever, early.  

 A place to call home, of our own.

 I feel very rich and very blessed.

 Now to pay the bills and keep it.  I look forward to painting this summer and planting a garden.

 I grew up with a garden and glad that I will be able to teach my daughter and granddaughter how to grow one too.

 Happy Winter Wonderland to all of you and yours.

Someone brought it to my attention that journal entry 12/5/2007 is deleted so I am re-posting it.

Here is my take on things.  Attorneys must take so many cases pro-bono (for free, no pay).  They, however get to choose the cases they want to do for free.   They choose the cases that they believe they can get criminals off for the offense they did because that allows them to charge more an hour for the cases they do get paid for. 

Taking child custody cases pro bono just says you have a heart, having a heart doesn’t allow you to show your abilities to get higher pay for future cases.

Parents on the other hand have children being put with the wrong parent a great deal of the time because the right parent is not the one who makes the most money.  So we then have a society of abused parents creating abusive adults and neglecting parents creating children who are not ready to create the next generation because they are creating that generation to make up for the lack of attention they are not getting from the neglectful parent.  This is creating a society of drug addicts and criminals because they can’t handle or prepared for the life they were put in by the attorneys and judges who made decisions based on who had money or half-truths and flat out lies.

Judges and attorneys don’t want to work unless they are getting paid and custody battles don’t pay unless they are rich and the only ones who come out ahead in those are the attorney’s. 

I had a judge say we have to cut this short because I need to go to mass.  Are you kidding me?  Tell me how well that remark would fly in a big corporation with a board meeting taking place?  Attorneys and judges don’t have to answer enough for their actions and then we wonder why crime is up. 

We elect these judges and attorneys without knowing their beliefs or ethics.  Those who elected the Judge who made that remark don’t know they are saying it and/or doing it because they know they will get special treatment for having elected them. 

Both parents need to see their children.  I don’t care if it is while one is behind bars or with a therapist present or with a mediator like a friend monitoring.  Attorney pages say this, and say the courts say this, but that is not what I see in the court room or hear from parents who have gone through divorce or dealing with custody battles.  What I see and hear most of the time is one parent gets full custody while the child is brainwashed to want nothing to do with the other.  Joint custody seems to be the exception not the norm.  It enrages me.  Done ranting, at least for the moment, thanks for listening.

Here is my take on things.  Attorneys must take so many cases pro-bono (for free, no pay).  They, however get to choose the cases they want to do for free.   They choose the cases that they believe they can get criminals off for the offense they did because that allows them to charge more an hour for the cases they do get paid for. 

Parents on the other hand have children being put with the wrong parent a great deal of the time because the right parent is not the one who makes the most money.  So we then have a society of abused parents creating abusive adults and neglecting parents creating children who are not ready to create the next generation because they are creating that generation to make up for the lack of attention they are getting from the neglectful parent.  This is creating a society of drug addicts and criminals because they can’t handle or prepared for the life they were put in by the attorneys and judges who made decisions based on who had money or half-truths and flat out lies.

Judges and attorneys don’t want to work unless they are getting paid and custody battles don’t pay unless they are rich and the only ones who come out ahead in those are the attorney’s. 

I had a judge say we have to cut this short because I need to go to mass.  Are you kidding me?  Tell me how well that remark would fly in a big corporation with a board meeting taking place?  Attorneys and judges don’t have to answer enough for their actions and then we wonder why crime is up. 

We elect these judges and attorneys without knowing their beliefs or ethics.  Those who elected the Judge who made that remark don’t know they are saying it and doing it or know they will get special treatment for having elected them. 

Both parents need to see their children.  I don’t care if it is while one is behind bars or with a therapist present or with a mediator like a friend monitoring.  Attorney pages say this, and say the courts say this, but that is not what I see in the court room or hear from parents who have gone through divorce or dealing with custody battles.  What I see and hear most of the time is one parent gets full custody while the child is brainwashed to want nothing to do with the other.  Joint custody seems to be the exception not the norm.  It enrages me.

One of the things in common with all the mass shooters was the confinement when they were infants.  A child going from the crib to a play-pen to the high chair to a bouncy seat stifles a child’s growth.  They lose out of some very important child development.  One being cause and effect and consequences for actions.  As the care giver it is our job to try not to always say no.  To some extent we can say here play with this and move them to another area of the room with an alternative object to play with.  They also need to be able to create toys for themselves. Like the well-known pots and pans and a wooden spoon.  Sometimes however they are going to get into things that we know they shouldn’t.  That is when we have to weigh the consequences of telling them no once again to letting them find out why we tell them no.  We can tell our child not to get into the dog’s water dish over and over again, but if they are not learning from us telling them that then we have to give them the opportunity to find out why we say no for them self.  Let them get wet and instead of changing their clothes right away let them stay in the wet clothes to figure out why they don’t want to be in the water bowl.  They may not associate being wet and cold to the water bowl the first time they do it.  They also may decide that the fun of the water bowl outweighs the consequences.  It is our job to know which is happening.  Doing this all day long can be mentally and physically draining. 

We can say we learn the most from our mistakes than from our achievements, but until you see it put into practice you may not really understand what that means.  For example we can tell a child not to play with an empty dish liquid container over and over again.  We can choose to put it out of reach, but are they learning what the word no means when we do that?  If they put it in their mouth they find out it tastes bad and thus not something they want to do.  Then when we say no to the light socket or to touching a hot stove they understand to respect the word no because it has consequences.   We don’t want our child to just be safe when they are in our home.  We want them to be safe when they go to someone else’s home that do not have children as well.  We also want them to be respectful and respond appropriately to our cues.  That doesn’t happen if we always protect them from making mistakes.

It would be like going to work and managing employees that you have to watch all day long to make sure they are doing their job and not something else.  It also means making sure that something else isn’t something that could get you sued because they got hurt on the job.  When you go to the bathroom you can’t have privacy or your constituent might get into trouble.  You have to take a shower when they are asleep or distracted by doing something safe like eating their lunch or in a mother’s case playing in a play pen in view of the bathroom.  In other words you can’t shut down mentally ever when taking care of a child like you can at work.  At work you can have time to think about your own thoughts and what is on your mind.  You always have to have a little of your brain on an infant at all times when you have a little one.  This can become mentally and physically draining doing this every day, day in and day out.

It is okay to want us to drain the tub so you can take a shower, but being mad because it is not drained says you don’t realize how physically and mentally draining a parent’s job is.   Getting mad because the living room is not vacuumed or it is taking longer than you would like for the dishes to get done says you don’t understand how demanding being a parent is. Be sensitive and thoughtful to one another’s demanding jobs is all I am saying.

Okay people my essay is not about the history of bdsm it is about why people are into bdsm and how it is therapeutic.

I know a little about Marquis de Sade and the general public knows even less.

My thoughts on Dracula is to give a back ground on how and why people are interested in BDSM not about Marquis de Sade.

The average person outside of BDSM can barely remember the letters after hearing them much less remember what the letters stand for.  Therefore they are certainly not going to know about Marquis de Sade.

There fore Marquis de Sade has little to do with why the average person is interested in BDSM.  Most of them hear about that after they are in BDSM for awhile not to get interested in BDSM.

Well it has been over two years since I have been on here.  Much has happened since then.  My oldest daughter lives with me now as well as my granddaughter that is 8 months old.  I enjoy them both very much and look forward to my youngest coming here hopefully in the future as well.

I am still in school and I thought of all of you when I wrote my most recent paper in my gender class.  I thought I would share and update you on my life.

Understanding the Lifestyle of BDSM

The book 50 shades of Grey made BDSM popular.  What is BDSM?  For some it is a lifestyle.  It stands for Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and Masochism.  It is an example of how people can let go of their inhibitions and ignore responsibility for one’s actions.  It really depends on who you ask and how deep they are into this lifestyle as to what it means to them.  Some believe BDSM gives men and women freedom to think about their sexuality.  This is the foundation and principle behind BDSM.  For some it is the thrill of not knowing what is going to happen next, to be tied up, blind folded and not knowing what someone will do.  Someone could lightly brush a feather against your body or pour honey on your stomach and lick it off.  It can be very erotic, seductive and exciting.  It can enhance anyone’s sex life and make it more interesting.  For a short time you can forget about your life and only concentrate on what is being done to your body.  Many people do this and never realize that it is a form of BDSM.  Many who are into BDSM view themselves as part of a community because so many in main stream society disapprove of BDSM:  It turns them off because they believe it is abuse.  The reasons and motives behind what drives people to pursue the BDSM lifestyle indicates BDSM serves a therapeutic purpose and thus people should be more open minded to it. 

This whole BDSM concept began back in the 40’s and 50’s with the idea of Dracula.    It was based on woman being entranced, giving up control, and being seduced.  Sexuality was very repressed in the United States back then.  These movies gave an outlet for women to fantasize about sex without reproach, blame, or guilt.  It allowed them to think about cheating on their spouse without actually cheating.  It allowed them to think about doing things sexually that they may not have otherwise thought about doing because they could say they were entranced and forced to do these sexual deviant acts.  BDSM has replaced these movies.  Now BDSM allows people to let go of their sexual inhibitions the same way Dracula movies did in the 50’s.

We have come a long way from Dracula and we are not as repressed as we use to be.  This lifestyle serves a purpose for people in the most unlikely of career fields.  Many do not realize that doctors, therapist, teachers, paramedics, police officers and pretty much any field of work you can think of have people in it who practice this lifestyle.  Most just do not make it known that they do BDSM.  People look up to them and answer to them.  For many, that is why they are submissive to take a break from their highly stressful demanding jobs.  Having to be in charge all day the last thing they want to do is be in control in the bedroom as well.  For many, it is very therapeutic to let someone else do the thinking for them for a while.

Many people did not have a childhood.  This is one reason why some people turn to BDSM.  They had to grow up far too fast to take care of other siblings or had to go to work as the primary bread winner in the house.  Others were potty trained too early making them want to regress back to a child.  Still others did not have a mother or father in their life growing up.  BDSM allows them to fulfill those childhood whims that they were not able to fulfill as children.  In this way it is very therapeutic.  In BDSM relationships “The parent figure assumes a mentoring role in the submissive’s daily life, the bond may assume central importance” (William 128).  For them acting out as a child in the relationship allows them to play in a way they did not get to when they were little.  Some will wear pig tails, put on a sundress and want to be taken to the ice cream shop or zoo.  Others are happy just to stay at home dressed up and color, anything that allows them to feel like a child.  Some even wish to be treated like a baby.  Everyone likes to be cuddled and held close.  Many people in or out of the lifestyle have maternal instinct like to be mothering to their significant other.  In the book Different Loving it is believed that men are not allowed to express their soft side and that is what makes men so attracted to age play.  A guy name Tommy in the book Different Loving says, “If you go into any woman’s department store you will find sleepers for women who have feet on them.  You will not find this in a man’s department store” (William 126).  It is frowned upon for men to be childlike, but that does not stop the desire.  Woman, however, like to be naughty and find reason to be so.  This is another attraction for them to enjoy age play.  Women are supposed to be the adult; age play allows them to be bad children as adults.  BDSM allows them to be what they couldn’t otherwise.

Mental abuse is another reason people gain an interest in BDSM.  In the movie The Secretary,   the parents are arguing and the daughter takes a hot kettle of water and lays it in between her legs.  Mental abuse is very different from physical abuse.  With physical abuse people have something they can physically see and feel it heal.  With mental abuse there is nothing tangible to see and watch heal.  Once BDSM is intertwined into the mix people have a safer way of attaching pain to the emotional pain they are feeling.  If someone were to continue to try and inflict this pain for them selves, they can go too far and not just end up in a mental institution, but the emergency room as well.  That is why it is good to have someone else to monitor what is being done.  It is even more important to know that person is qualified to know how to monitor the situation.  It is safer than what cutters do to accomplish the same thing.  Tara Deliberto is currently a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology and she states on her blog that, “Many people cut to feel something if they're feeling nothing or numb.”  This is usually due to mental abuse.   “When cutters cut their skin it releases endorphins, which dramatically lowers a person’s heart rate which allows them to feel” (Deliberto).  This can also be done by another person without the risk of going too far or leaving scars; this makes BDSM a safe way to deal with mental abuse.

Humiliation or depersonalization is another component of BDSM that makes BDSM so attractive to some people.   By many it is considered abuse, although the people who act this out see it as giving up control and being helpless.   Domination is the act of controlling another person.  For some this is strictly in the bedroom, and for others it is every aspect of their lives.  A submissive is the person who is being controlled.  Just like the old black and white films when the damsel in distress is tied to a railroad track and the hero comes just in time to save the day, this is the same feeling that a submissive feels when a dominant controls them by overpowering them.  Most of the time this is done verbally and by little physical action; although, they might use them as a footstool or tell them to sit in the corner.  They like knowing they are ignored or being used for their significant other’s comfort.  The submissive does not view it as bad nor does it make them feel bad.  It makes them feel good because they feel absolutely in someone else’s power that he can do anything to them that they want.  It is a safe way for those who have a strong need to please to do so in a controlled safe environment without being taken advantage of sexually or financially.

Pain is another important option of BDSM and why people not only turn to it, but become addicted to it.  A study was done by 25 healthy men and women at the University of Michigan Health System; it showed that dopamine was active in the basal ganglia region of the brain.  This is the same region where it has been observed to respond to positive stimuli, such as food or sex.  The more pain a person feels the more dopamine is released into the brain known as the nucleus accumbens—the same region implicated in drug addiction.  This shows us not only why pain is such an important element to many BDSM interests, but it also shows why it is so addicting to people.  At that time the body releases a ton of chemicals such as, serotonin, melatonin, adrenaline, and endorphins into the brain to endure the pain being administered.  When the pain is administered it is therapeutic because it creates a euphoric feeling by the chemicals that are released.  

Spanking is a way to create pain which is a big reason people like it in BDSM.  Many people involved like the authority figure to have total control.  Being genuine is very important during this time of play.  Dominants take a great deal of pride in knowing exactly how long and how hard to spank their significant other.  A submissive does not want to have to tell their dominant person what implement to use, how hard or for how long.  It takes away from that feeling of being powerless if they have to instruct their significant other on what to do.  It also means the one being spanked has to think and that is the last thing they want to do at that time.  Raj is a non-fiction writer who said “A good top builds sensation slowly, alternates pain with pleasure, rewards endurance with more pleasure, and teaches the bottom to transcend her own limits.”  That is another reason why they like being spanked; they feel challenged.  This also allows them to put all their concentration on enduring the pain from being spanked rather than their life and the problems they have in it.

Many of the people in the lifestyle are very over weight and feel they cannot get a sexual partner any other way, but through BDSM.  Because many of them have low self-esteem and do not feel they can find a partner any other way they turn to BDSM.  So they are willing to do whatever a dominant person wants to feel love.  Katie Roiphe believes people like the book 50 Shades of Grey to provide them with more ways to love, but it also explains why overweight people turn to this lifestyle:

(‘Deep down I would just like more: more affection, more playful Christian, more . . . love’), so she is willing to give beatings and leather crops the old college try. This is important for a mainstream heroine appealing to mainstream readers: she indulges in the slightly out-there fantasy of whipping and humiliation without actually taking responsibility for any off-kilter desires. She can enjoy his punishments and leather whips and mild humiliations without ever having to say that she sought them out or chose them. It's not that she wants to be whipped; it's that she willingly endures it out of love…

Overweight people are willing to try BDSM activities to feel accepted in a society where they might otherwise be unaccepted.  Many times they grow to enjoy it.  BDSM not only helps some people to find a partner, but they learn a new way to enjoy their partner as well. 

Another reason some get into BDSM is because they get bored with the way they have sex with their partner.  BDSM provides creativity.  A switch is someone who likes to dominate and be dominated. This is what many who are bored with sex are called.  Raj said, “The practice is about relaying pleasure across parts of the body that have often been ‘rejected’ or not conceived of in terms of sexual pleasure.”  Those who are respected in the BDSM community share their experiences and ideas with others creating a great deal of variety that doesn’t always have to do with just penetration.   

People are willing to inflict pain for many reasons.  They are called sadist, someone who likes to inflict pain on another.  Most would prefer you know their tender gentler side before you learn of their sadistic interest.  Many are willing to do this because it is what their significant other wants.  The significant other would be called a masochist, someone who likes to have pain inflicted on them.  Many of these people over time would allow someone to go too far and end up in the hospital if not for a responsible caring sadist.  Partners want this for many of the reasons stated above and their spouse is willing to provide them that.  For some sadist it is the only way they can get an erection.  Dr. Thomas Stuttaford who is the medical columnist for the New York Times states that in some instances, “… sexual sadists need to inflict pain in order to be aroused, so that in some cases they are unable to achieve an erection unless foreplay includes a sadistic element. Most people, whether male or female, want to recreate early memories of ‘physical touch, warmth and communion’ for which they yearn. Paradoxically, many people also want to ‘exact revenge for all the pains, frustrations, and sufferings during infancy’ and have darker fantasies.”  Some people who have been through a traumatic event will become a dominant person as a defense mechanism to attempt to restore balance and this to can be a reason for wanting to inflict pain on others.  Whether it is out of boredom to please another, or to compensate for a traumatic event, being able to inflict pain on another is desired as much as receiving pain is desired for others.

In opposition to BDSM people would say it is nothing but abuse and degrading especially to women.  Many men take advantage of women especially if they are overweight because they know they don’t feel they can do any better.   This is the heart of why people are so against BDSM and do not see it any other way but to be a bad thing.  Men who take advantage of women in this lifestyle are not respected by the rest of the BDSM community.  They are usually very isolated from everyone else, but it is these people who make the headlines.  As long as there are people with low self-esteem who accept abusive behavior there will be abusive people looking to take advantage of them.   That does not mean the entire aspect of BDSM is abusive because some people are.

As you can see there are many benefits of BDSM there are no gender rules.   Both male and female can be submissive and or dominant.  In fact, there is a shortage of dominant women in the lifestyle.  There are many men who wish they had a woman who was willing to dominate them.   It serves many purposes from boredom to psychological and physical issues from childhood.  One of the main reasons is to not be in control and to have someone else be responsible for the thoughts and desires they have, but can’t admit to.  Others like the idea of feeling like a victim who has the heroine come to rescue them and in this case the villain and heroine is one in the same.  Pain is another reason people like BDSM whether it be to release chemicals in the brain to get a natural high or to forget something in the past or in their present life for a time.  Some people like to feel challenged, being spanked and being able to endure it gives them that challenge.  Still others feel it is the only way they can feel loved is to be in the lifestyle of BDSM.  Boredom can be another reason why people turn to BDSM.  It allows for creativity.  The sky is the limit.  Regardless of the reason for someone’s interest in BDSM it should be understood that BDSM can be a healthy and therapeutic experience if done with respect and love for one another.

Work Cited

Deliberto, Tara. “Why Do People Cut Themselves?” The Psychology Easel One PH. D. Sketched Out Thoughts. 5 Feb. 2011. Web. 23 Nov. 2012.

                http://taradeliberto.blogspot.com/2011/02/why-do-people-cut-themselves.html

Hein, Steve. EQ for Everybody. (1996) Web. 27 Sept. 2012, from http://eqi.org

                /eqe96_1.htm

http://eqi.org/signs_of_emotionally_abused_people.htm

Horror of Dracula. Dir. Terence Fisher. Perf. Peter Cushing, Michael Gough. original title

                “Dracula” Warner Brothers 1958. Film.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001EC2IVW/ref=atv_feed_catalog?tag=imdb-amazonvideo-20

Raj, Senthorun. "Que(e)Rying Violence: Rethinking Pleasure, Harm and Intimacy in Lesbian         Sadomasochism." Gay and Lesbian Issues and Psychology Review 6.3 (2010): 122-31.

                GenderWatch. Web. 15 Nov. 2012

Roiphe, Katie. "The sexual fantasies of the working woman; Katie Roiphe: In Praise of Messy Lives." The Toronto Star. (September 16, 2012 Sunday ): 2230 words. LexisNexis Academic. Web. Date Accessed: 2012/11/23.

Stuttaford, Thomas. " Agony and Ecstasy." The Times (London). (November 15, 2003 , Saturday ): 1272 words. LexisNexis Academic. Web. Date Accessed: 2012/11/23.

The Secretary  Dir. Steven, Shainberg Perf. James Spader, Maggie Gyllenhaal. Lionsgate 2002. Film.

                http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/secretary/

University of Michigan Health System. 'Pleasure Chemical' Is Involved In Response To Pain Too."

                ScienceDaily, (2006). Web. 13 Nov. 2012.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/10/061019094148.htm

William Brame. “Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission”Villard; First Edition

                edition 1996. Print.

Course: HMS: 101 Theories and skills

Assignment: Value Assessment Paper

Due Date: 9/8/2010

            When I was nine I chose to become a Jehovah?s Witness.  I saw a Therapist when I was forty and he learned so much from me about people in that religion that he now takes patience that have left it.  Because of me he now understands the hold that religion has on people.  How much more so I will be able to help people who wish to stay in it as well as those who wish to leave it?  I left that organization when I turned thirty.  I still struggle with not being in it.  I liked the structure and the rules you live under when in it.  I liked that all I had to say is I am a Jehovah?s witness and everyone around me knew how I lived my life, from one day to the next, what I thought, what I wore, what I watched an didn?t watch, my entire identity was clarified by saying, ?I am a Jehovah?s Witness.? 

            Soon after I left the organization at thirty I learned about bdsm.  There is a great deal of misconception about that life style.  Many assume it is an abusive relationship.  That it is about beating someone up and humiliation.    I know that happens, but it is not always the case.  I know I will be able to help others to understand it that have family members who are interested in it as well as help those who are in it to understand the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.  I believe I will be less judgmental and more open minded having an interest in it my self. 

            I believe my client?s values are more important than my own when helping someone.  Helping one to accept who they are and helping them to accept how others perceive them is more important than what my values are.  Since I did not have a traditional marriage for 12 years out of the 20 years I was married, I also believe I can help people with their marital problems as well.  To understand the mind set of their significant other so they do not take what they do so personal or having done to be about them.  So that my client can either except and move on or except and work on saving their marriage.

            Since I was forced into a mental institute based on lies said about me, my own personal thoughts on such institutes is very biased.  I have seen the movie ?The Changeling? and no first hand how it still happens today.  For that reason I doubt the motives of such an institute and their ability to help any client I might have that is put in one.  I have been told that I was mentally abused by my mother and by my ex-husband.  I have a hard time excepting this and worry if I will be able to recognize it happening to someone I see.  On the other hand I hope with my future training I may see subtleties that other?s may miss.

            Because people were quick to judge me and misinterpret what I have said, I think I will be less incline to make the same mistake.  I hope to ask more questions than I answer to truly understand what my client is saying rather than conclude what I think I know.  I grew up in a very strict religious home and have found refuge in the most odd and controversial places.  I think this will allow me to have a more open mind than most, to be a better therapist.  Since I have had several mental break downs, been in and out of mental institutes, mentally abused in the most of subtle ways, had to start over with the loss of everyone I knew, after being sheltered most of my life, I think I will be able to relate to someone with the same fears and insecurities that I have had.  Instead of saying; ?If I can do it so can you,? I will say; ?Since I have done it I can help you too.?

I went and saw 38 special, Bret Michaels and Lynard Skynard in concert and I have decided that I like seeing the people, what they wear, how they have their hair and how they dance as much as hearing the music and how they look and act.  It was weird to see a guy that I have watched on vh1 for weeks at a time up on stage.

When you guys get to know me I am asked questions about my girls, why they are not with me, why did you and your ex split up, was he a dom and on and on.  It hurts to much to keep repeating it and retyping it. I say it once here and let it go. Then when I talk to who ever, it can be about getting to know him. Sometimes what I write is something that is hard for me to talk about or explain or not cut and dry to say. Like how long I have been in the life style. I explain it and then you decide if when and how I am in the lifestyle. It is complicated and not cut and dry information where I can give a date. Some of you would say I have never been in it and others would say from birth. You have to read the information and decide that for yourself. To explain it in a message would take far to much time and far to much retyping. Another option is I look through it for you and then come back with the journal entry or entries where I talk about that. I don't just talk about my ex I talk about everything. Then it is up to you how much you want to know about me. YOU then have the CONTROL.

Well I kind of got my brakes fixed. New brake pads and the thing the brake sits in has been replaced in the front. The back cylinder is sticking on the left side in the back and he said we might be able to fix that next weekend.

I also found out there is a kit I can by to change my freeon over to what they use now.? It still cools but not much.? Still have to find out how to get that done.? Fun fun

Okay I have talked about this all through my journal but it has been awhile and I know more about what my ex did to explain it here now. I am telling you this so I don?t have to repeat what has happened in my life over and over again to each of you. Most of this happen four years ago when the divorce started.? Been divorced for one year now.

My ex can not handle his money he spends it before he has it. He also had two woman cursing at him for not spending money on his girls. He told them he makes 80,000 a year but did not tell them that he just started making that much and didn?t happen to mention how much debt he had and to how many people. He had just gotten the job to divorce me. He told the girls and me that he could not make more working for someone than he was working for himself and that he would be miserable working for someone, we were married for over 20 years. Till he fell in love with a meth head and then suddenly working for someone else wasn?t so bad. Had he gotten the job before he would have been making decent money for us to have enjoyed life as a family. I at the time did not realize he was using his job to find someone else because he was bored. He was bored because he was not making any money for us to enjoy life because he was afraid I would leave him if he did. Not realizing I would have never left him because family was very important to me. More important than my own desires or needs. He felt there is something wrong with me for liking what I like. After he went into credit card debt to appease these two women he THEN told them his financial situation. Out of guilt the two women decided to help him take my girls from me in hopes that it would ease his financial situation. What none of them realizes is that it actually would have been cheaper to just pay the child support and alimony than hurt the girls and I by taking the girls. Both of these woman were obsessed with my girls since they were great girls and well mannered. My ex started dating a woman he knew as a teenager after the meth head said he didn?t want him.  He basically is having a mid life crises and some guys never recover from that.  This woman had a sister and she was obsessed with my oldest. My oldest at the time was dating her son. She wanted my daughter to spend all her time with her and since she was dating her son it wasn?t hard to make happen. My ex told my oldest she could quit school and stay at her boy friends house if she came to live with him. He then took her off birth control saying it will just make her feel it is okay to have sex. That meant she was sleeping at his house with no protection and yes of course they still had sex. She is no longer seeing anyone, got her ged and not pregnant. My youngest however is still endanger. Once he got the oldest I fell apart and that allowed him to take her. He told her I was suicidal to make her afraid to live with me and then bought her with clothes, jewelry and all three of them a guitar that they can?t afford lessons to learn. That was four years ago. Now she has learned that she doesn?t have to do her homework living with him, so she is failing classes in school and wants nothing to do with me. Children tend to forget what life was like when they get to do what they want instead of what is best for them.? My oldest talks to me from time to time, my youngest wants nothing to do with me.? He says she will when she is 18 imagine that.

New update:

I have moved again. This time to Fergus Falls I now have a garage and basement. I haven?t had a basement since I was a teenager and left Michigan. Oh how I have missed having that and love that I have one again. I also am glad to have a garage again that will come in handy this winter. It has been over three years since I have had one of those. I love my bay window and being close to stores. My stress level has lowered considerably since moving here.? Now all I am missing is my girls. 

You know ever since my future ex wanted this divorce a lot of things have been mirroring my life. To give you a few examples, there is Jen, Brad, and Angelo Jolie. When he took my girls there was Britney Spears trying to get her two boys back when I was trying to get my two girls back. That doesn?t count all the songs that seem to fit.

Then tonight I watched new in town. I have never seen a show or movie about Minnesota before. Yet, after I move here there is one made about it. You have no idea how that plays with your head if you are under extreme stress. Wondering where you are going to live or how you are going to eat or what will happen to your girls.

I think the movie is very accurate as well. Little towns where everyone knows everyone and rumors run rapid. Old houses that can with stand anything that nature has to throw at it. With cold wooden floors that creek and old fashion wallpaper or paneling that was probably around when your great grandparents were little. Little towns that almost started to grow, but became a ghost town before it really ever became a town at all. You can see fields for ever and a day with little patches of green where a house stands oddly alone. That you know at one time was once owned by the same person who crops the field; where now that person drives at least thirty minutes if not 45 into a bigger town to work for a corporation. And the person who crops that field has to drive about the same amount of time to work his field.

It is funny to here the owner of this house talk about this town that I live in. I really wish he could tell it. It is like the dukes of hazards without the car. He says one of the town sheriffs? is in jail and the other one can?t say much because he proved he is not intelligent enough to matter what he has to say. He went and took an IQ test to prove him wrong and couldn?t, too funny. Then you have the guy who owns the silos behind the property. You see he bought this land from his dad. And his son owns the silos and another guy owns the surrounding land that he crops. I may not be saying that right but I am sure you know what I mean. Anyways, this makes the guy land locked. He can?t use our drive way or it will break the well and he wouldn?t let him anyways because he kept vandalizing his house trying to force him to sell his house to him. That is why I have a cheap place to live, to keep his house from getting vandalized. He is a truck driver and thus on the road a lost even if he did live here.

So now you know a little bit more about me and a lot more about my perception of Minnesota so far. Oh and one more thing, rent new in town it is a very funny. And you get to learn more about where I live now and what I have gotten myself into. Fun fun

For the most of the drive up here the cats were awake and antsy.  I know they expected it to be a short drive.  They finally settled down around three,.  An hour before I found a hotel they started to meow.  The next day the cats took turns being out of the cage.  Leo was out the whole time both days.  He seemed to get sick less that way.  I think diamond felt safer in it away from Leo.  The next day however even she was ready to tolerate Leo to be out of the cage.  She slept off to the side by the gas peddle most of the time.  Till I let vydelia out and then the two of them had it out.  That is when I put diamond in the bigger cage that vydelia was in and vydelia was then on the floor.  Problem is vydelia didn?t seem to understand that my feet had to be able to use the peddles in order for us to get where we were going. So she could get out of the car all together.  She kept pushing my foot away every time I would push on the break.  When we were almost to the house is when she finally realized how it worked and started to fall asleep off to the side.  Only to be wakened to get out.

Vydelia was missing for three days as soon as we got there.  Diamond looked for new hiding spots and Leo followed me around like a puppy dog.  Half the basement is livable space and the other half is nothing but a crawl space.  Vydelia had been up under the house in the crawl space.  I had thought for sure she had gotten out up till then.  She came up the stairs wet and black.  I put her in the tub and cleaned her up and then took her upstairs where it was warm.  She has been up there ever since.  There is a room a cross from mine with a long closet in it.  She likes to hide out in there.  Diamond either sleeps in my closet or across from me on my clothes under the window where the sun can hit her.  Some times all three of them are in the bed with me come morning. 

I am going to spray the yard for ticks mosquitoes and fleas before I let the cats out.  I haven?t seen any yet but wish to not discover them on the cats either.

I will not miss the road kill left at my front door by the mama kitty who is weaning her kittens from nursing. She brought a dead bird up this time and watching her kittens play with it. That is not near as bad though as the other day when I came out to nothing but the back half of a squirrel. It was as if someone took a butcher knife and just chopped it from just before the back legs. It was so gross.  

Well it has been a very stressful day, glad it is over.  I just have a few odds and ends left in my apartment before heading to Minnesota.  It is a official guys I am moving.  They said scattered thunderstorms all week and it was sunny all week.  Of course the day I move it rains nonstop to make matters worse my ex never gave me my alimony money.  I had five great guys help me though what troopers.  I have one that is going to come back on Monday to help me move the last of it.  This poor guy he was up all night stocking at Kroger then turned around and helped me move.  I cried when they got here and I cried when it was done.  Both times because I was so happy to see them to get the help and then because the worst was over.  It is weird sitting in my apartment with it so empty and no tv.  The silence is deafening.  My rent will be much lower in Minnesota.  I will have my own apartment with people below me to help me.  My utilities, cable, and internet will be included in my rent.  You can?t beat that.  We will also share the food expense to buy in bulk.  25 percent of the people up there own their own home.  It is one of the few places left where the economy is doing okay.  I might have a job lined up working in a nursing home up there as well.  There is the mall of America four stories with every store you can think of.  Not that I am big on shopping it has always stressed me.  The one time I actually enjoyed shopping for clothes was when my girl friend took me and she showed me one or two items and asked me which one I liked out of the two rather than looking at the whole fricken store.  They have an aquarium in the mall as well with sting rays and sharks swimming over head.  I think that I am looking forward to seeing than anything.  You can also pan for gold in the rivers up there.  I look forward to enticing my girls with that.  I will have my first white Christmas in over 23 years.  I am very much looking forward to that.  As well as skiing and snowmobiling.  The last year I lived in Michigan I had bought a pair of skis but was never able to try them out because we moved.  I am looking forward to seeing the snow, but I know I will be ready for it to go long before it does.  So that is that.  I know many of you have been waiting to hear from me I just didn?t want to say anything until I knew for sure it was going to happen.  Worrying about getting the help to get my stuff out was the worst.  I am glad that is over.  Now I get to stress over the drive up there with three cats and hoping I don?t get lost.  Fun fun

I have a guy message me for the first time ever talking about how he wants to brand his woman. That to me screams insecurity. That to me is no different than saying I want to knock you up so you are less likely to leave me. If you want to brand a girl that is something you talk about after 10 or 20 years in a relationship not in the initial first time talking. If that is so important to you that you have to start a conversation with it, then you have bigger problems than finding a woman. Your mind should then be on words like understanding, compromise and flexibility. If you feel you have to brand her to raise the odds of her not leaving you than you have some serious issues. Yeah I am sure you can find a woman desperate enough to be with you in spite of your need to mark her, but is she a woman you would really want is a bigger question. With all of you talking about training and disciplining I wonder if you give any thought to how that sounds to a woman who is taking a peak at collar me for the first time and how that sounds to them. A girl who thinks: being tied up? Blind folded? Whipped with a flogger? Gee that sounds intriguing. Until they start reading about your over controlling high in mighty attitude of I am the boss and you worship me and do what ever I say with no thought to your feelings. Yeah that is really going to keep a woman?s interest in checking in to this further. NOT!   

Andrew: So, if you are not a "romantic", what would you say is your love language?

Delicate: you already know that

Delicate: bdsm

Andrew James: But, would you call that - the need for touch...just in a different way?

Delicate: yes

Andrew: I think you need to be affirmed some too, although I think all people need that.

Delicate: yes

Andrew: So ultimately, your "perfect" lover will treasure you, be your best friend and understand how to find you deepest "core" feelings through BDSM?

Delicate: absolutely

Andrew: I suppose the hardest thing about that, is like anything in life.  The "best" are already taken!  Hugs...

Delicate: yeah

Andrew: Do you find a lot of the bdsm masters are already married or attached?

Delicate: I find them to talk to damn much about disciplining

Delicate: how they want to fix a woman, their favorite word is train

Delicate: they are arrogant

Delicate: like they are perfect and we are children that need to be fixed

Delicate: that gets so old

Andrew: Yeah, I would think a guy in that position needs to really look at his partner as a treasure, someone to be admired and appreciated...not really "dominated"...but loved through BDSM to the place she wants to be...in that state of bliss, as you told me about.

Delicate: oh they all say they see her as a treasure and believe no other Dom does, while in the same breath saying how they are strict and firm and quick to discipline

Delicate: so contradictory

Delicate: and don't see how that is contradictory

Andrew: Yeah, I would think they need to see it as an act of love...not pride.

Delicate: oh they see it as both

Andrew: Well, I would think it would be hard to be full of pride and love at the same time...unless it was love of self.

Delicate: good point

Andrew: I would also think...for someone to be a "master" they would be better and better at the act of love by learning everything they could about their partner.  I would think the more they got to know their partner...the more and more intense, and real each act of love would be.

Delicate: they are all capable of that, and that is why they are arrogant

Delicate: bdsm gives them a huge ego

Andrew: Yeah, I would think a guy would have to really work hard at controlling his ego.

Delicate: that is the child side of them that comes out after having a bdsm relationship, it gives them a big head and makes them think they are god that can do no wrong

Andrew: Almost make the experience spiritual...not selfish.

Delicate: but they all think they are controlling their ego, but their profiles show other wise

Delicate: oh they all think they are spiritual that is part of having a good bdsm relationship making them feel like god

Andrew: You would think someone who could mix the aspects of tantra and BDSM would be an interesting person.

Delicate: yeah I talked to a guy who said he is into both, but he was either already in a relationship or for some unknown reason to me too intimidated to meet me

Andrew: Interesting

Delicate: could have been

Andrew: lol

Delicate: would have liked to have found out

Andrew: Tantra use to interest me a lot.  I thought it was fascinating to reach the point of "bliss"...but control that feeling...controlling orgasm to keep the euphoric feelings for hours...not seconds.

Delicate: yeah that guy?s only problem was he was obsessed with that

Delicate: he wants a woman who is willing to come nonstop all day

Delicate: and then say you can't do that or you will get dehydrated and have to go to the hospital

Delicate: but he is obsessed with finding a woman who wants that

Andrew: lol...

Delicate: not in touch with reality

Andrew: there is a time and place for everything!

Delicate: he was obsessed with a woman cumming

Andrew: Well, if he was truly into tantra...he would actually try to keep her from cumming.

Delicate: oh he was interested in that too

Andrew: ....get her to the edge...but not, if you know what I mean.

Andrew: I think you are right though.  There is a time and place for everything.  Sometimes making love can be fast and passionate, other times it should be dragged out, lasting for hours.  In your case, sometimes it should include BDSM...but I imagine...you don't want it to go there every time.  ....But I am assuming, I don't know.

Delicate: no, not all the time

Delicate: and that is the other problem

Delicate: some of the Dom?s can't stand the thought of a woman making love to him

Delicate: they think that means they are less of a Dom if they would like that

Andrew: That is sad.  So they would be offended if their partner came onto them sometimes...and just wanted them to, in a sense, receive?

Delicate: some a lot of them yes

Delicate: and I think it is sad too

Andrew: That is sad, I mean...if a man is asleep...and gets woken up in the middle of the night...because his partner is aching for that kind of touch.  And she turns him over and makes love to him...taking him, using him to satisfy her...that is extremely intimate and loving.

Delicate: yep

Give me more loving than I?ve ever had,
Make me feel better when I?m feeling sad,
Tell me I?m special even though I know I?m not,
Make me feel good when I hurt so bad,
Barely getting mad,
I will be so glad when I find you,
I will love being around you,
You will make it easy,
It will be as easy as 1-2-3,
There?s only one thing to Do,
Three words for you,
I love you,
There?s only one way to say,
Those three words,  
That?s what I?ll do,
I?ll love you,
Give me more loving from the very start,
Piece me back together when I fall apart,
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends,
Make me feel good when I hurt so bad,
You?re the best thing I?ll ever had,
And I?m so glad I will have found you,
I will love being around you,
You?ll make it as easy,
 as 1-2-3,
There?s only one thing to Do,
Three words for you,
I love you,
There?s only one way to say,
Those three words,  
That?s what I?ll do,
I?ll love you,



Plain white T's written my way

It is these things that irritate me to no end. Talking about grown woman as if they are children; I am not downing any one guy here many of you have this attitude just hear me out from my perspective. You could be right you may know a lot of grown woman who need this list. There must be to have so many of you guys feeling this way about submissive woman. Here is my break down on the problem I have with these rules.

Communications and Evaluation Criteria for My submissive/slave:

? Ability to perform tasks independent of supervision

This is something I would say for my kids when they were little. If she is not capable of performing tasks independently then how in the hell is she making it on her own to find you in the first place?

? Accepts guidance

We all need advice from time to time Dom or sub. If she couldn't accept guidance then she wouldn't be calling herself a sub. The bigger question is can you accept it or would it always be your way or the highway?

? Applies knowledge and skills

In other wards are you retarded or not?

? Assumes responsibility for actions

Submissive's are the most humble group of people you are going to meet if she is not then she isn't a sub. She is playing you.

? Communicates information to her Master

A submissive should understand this better than anyone and if she doesn't she will when he beats the shit out of her because she didn't communicate. Or when she is told to do something she is not mentally willing to do. Thus to state this is a mute point because she will learn it if she hasn't.

? Completes task on time

What if something comes up? What if she has other things that needed to be done that didn't allow her to do it? Are you going to be able to show flexibility because from the tone of this list it doesn't sound like it?

? Follows instructions

If you have to state this then why would you want her?

? Pays attention to accuracy and detail

I don't know any sub that is a true pleaser and needy and needs to please that is not analytical and pay attention to details. That is what makes us subs.  Most subs know what you need and want before you do. We think about your sore feet if you stand on your feet all day at work. We know if it has been awhile and that you might be thirsty or when you are use to eating a snack. I remember a time when my Master said he had a horrible headache it was on a Sunday and I asked him if he had any coffee or coke that day. He said no why.  I said that is why you have a headache is not a work day and you normally have that when you get to work. I know this because he would always start the day with be right back need my coffee. It actually annoyed the hell out of me because I wanted his attention I had gone the whole fricken night don?t you know without talking to him. He went and got a coke and in a short time his headache went away and he just had the aftermath soreness of the migraine left. That is how true submissive think my friend and that is paying attention to detail. Need I say more?

? Personal appearance

My question to you is what women are you around to feel you need this one in your list? They are people playing a game of sub not real subs. They are there to entertain you in order to be entertained themselves. They pretend to be a stupid brat so you humiliate them and inflict pain on them. All this list says is you indulge these people not just in the past, but also in the present. Stop indulging it and they will find a more productive way to get your attention. One that allows you to actually get to know each other and build a real relationship with and then in time go in the direction of doing the things you both in joy that brings you here for in the first place.

? Takes effective action without being told

Again how are they making it on their own without you to find you if they can?t already do this?

? Understands and adheres to Master's rules and protocols

Don?t even get me started on this one. This does not allow for any spontaneity. This is okay for weekends or for relationships where one is married to a vanilla spouse. I am fully aware that there are relationships that thrive on this, but why limit your self to only woman like that? Some of us would also like to use our own brains to find ways to please you. Like instead of coming home to us sitting in the protocol position to greet you. Instead you come home to a full belly dance costume and dance for you. With this mentality I can see the Dom saying well the belly dance was great, but you didn?t greet me in the position you knew you were suppose to so I will have to punish you for that. It totally takes away from the work it took to learn how to do it to surprise you with it. Why do you guys insist that there has to be some kind of offense to enjoy doing what we both like doing? Why can?t it be oh my gawd I am so turned on for you right now and we go into the bedroom and tied up like a harem girl and do nasty things to her? Why does it always have to have a negative undertone to it first? Most of us already have low self esteem why add to that?

? Understands and applies rules

I would like to know what all these so called rules are that all of you seem to like to talk about, but never state.

? Understands goals

This might be the only legit rule you guys give. Most subs hate goals because we are afraid of falling short and goals scream failure. Thus good to have in mind but not one I would recommend stating. Rather blend into it by saying things like lets go to the local college and check out their library. Wouldn?t it be cool to actually be able to go here? What do you think you would want to learn or classes you would want to take if you could go here? Or opening up a flyer or newspaper and suggest joining something. Or saying lets check out the local gym just for kicks. They might give us a free day or week or month and we could use the pool. Before you know it you join it and she is getting in shape. But stating it on the front end that it is a requirement you are just begging for failure.

? Willingness to learn new skills

Read above, still applies.

I wish people on here would approach someone for the first time like two adults, one human to another instead of as a Dominant talking to a submissive.  I think the conversations would be a lot more interesting and less generic.  There are just some things I don?t think should be said the first time you talk to someone. 

So many of you seem to want to believe you are talking to a little girl who has no control of her emotions let me assure you that I do.  It bugs me to think there is that many woman out there that can have a guy touch them and they loose all control of there senses.  Trust me guys you can touch my vagina all day and if I do not want to get off I am not going to.  I swear these women have to be playing you.  If you think you can sit in a movie theater and touch a girl?s vagina and she can?t help but squirm and breath heavy you are wrong.  She is choosing to do that to stroke your ego and get you hard.  It bothers you a hell of a lot more than it will ever bother her.  I also don?t pretend a spanking hurts when it doesn?t.  I think a lot of women are doing that too.  I also think it might be why I lost the one guy I have ever wanted on here.  He found out I was for real.

Being a slave trained and expected obedience is not what I am looking for. I have stated that in the past in my journal. I am an adult not a child and act like one. Too many guys on here assume they are going to deal with an immature brat and that is not what I am. I was the parent in my marriage. It seems stereotyping is not just done among the people who do not understand bdsm, but among those that are in it as well. I wish that would end more than anything else. Like I have stated in my journal I don't tell you my personality I show you in my writings. If you use common sense I don't think you need rules. I have two girls and I rarely stated anything about rules and they are great girls who know how to act and use their head. I set a good foundation in the beginning and have needed to say less and less as time goes on. I now hope to be more of an adviser than parent and then evolve into a friend as they venture out on their own. Once they are truly out on their own I hope to have a new relationship of them knowing me as a person and less as their mother. That is also what I am looking for in my life long partner, to share a life together as one not as an anarchy.   Just because I have a submissive personality who likes bdsm doesn?t mean I should have to act up to get it.  Why can?t it be done because one is stressed or because we both like it?  Why does it have to be called disciplining?  Why does it have to be given a name at all?

I am not a successful business woman. I work at Kroger part time and hope to go back to school in the fall. I was a stay at home mom and believe that is the only way to raise children. Mothers who work feel too guilty to discipline their children. I went to college when my husband wanted a divorce. I got a B in my elementary math and an A in my study skills class, elementary writing class, an intermediate math class and in my nutrition class. I grew up a Jehovah's witness and have no desire to be part of any religion now, but my therapist said I am a very spiritual person what ever that means. I like to be home and have the memories of traveling. I haven?t quite figured out how to accomplish that yet though. I prefer to be around my things. My girls come first, thus if they do not approve I doubt I would continue in a relationship. It will be like that until they grow up and get married them selves. Even then I would want them to at least get along with who I am interested in. My ex and I had an open marriage and I hated it. He had no interest in bdsm and told me to find someone else to do that with. He was seeing his secretary. I love cats and will probably always have at least one. I would love to see castles. I look forward to be a grandma. I grew up in Michigan where guys do not open doors for woman; thus, if I go back there and a guy were to do that I am sure I would be harassed to no end for it. "Oh, too good to open your own doors now huh?" Things like that would be said. I am not use to be pampered. I am use to being the responsible one. I did all the cooking and cleaning and yard work. All he had to do was make a living. That meant when he came home from work his day was done, since I was a stay at home mom. My job was 24/7. If the kids were sick in middle of the night it was I that got up with them. Being a wife and mom is the best job to have and the only job I thought I would ever have and the only job I really know. I do, however, look forward to going back to school. I loved learning. I find shopping to be a bit intimidating. That is probably why it never bothered me that we never had any money to do so. The grocery shopping is about all the shopping I have ever done. Most of my clothes came from friends that didn't want the clothes any more or came from my mom. I still have clothes I wore in school. Not many, but a few and still wear them. I also look forward to being married again. Well I think that about covers it for me for now.

I spend a lot of time on broad questions such as what I am looking for in a guy. I think about it for a long time before I write. I hate those questions because I am having to describe the personality of a person that I want and that is not easy to do.  After I spend weeks thinking about it then I spend days critiquing the answer. I have answered that question more than once through out my journal entries. When I write I am also showing my personality what kind of person you would have, so you are selling yourself short not reading it in my journal. There is more than one reason why I state read the journal.  There is also more than one way to let you know what I am looking for in a guy. You also miss out on a lot of funny stuff and personal experiences that I write about to not only show myself, but what I am and am not looking for in a guy. If something doesn't interest you than skip it and go on to another entry that does. That is the best way to get to know me and what I am looking for. It angers me when a guy says tell me what I am looking for in my own words. Who the hell do you think wrote these journal entries?? No I mean write it directly to me.? Well what reason do I have to feel you are so special from everyone else?? Because you feel I am more special than anyone else is not a reason for me to feel that way about you.? Read the damn journal to know me to know how to make yourself stand out above all others.? You know what impresses me?? When you read my journal and thus know what to say and not to say to me.? So you know what to ask and not to ask me.? Conversations always go smoother the more you read about me before contacting me.? Don't get off on a bad foot with me by asking a question that hurts me because you didn't want to take the time to get to know me.? READ THE JOURNAL.

I doubt very much I will be going to a house in Mississippi it needs far too much work and I would end up going into debt to fix it up and then not have money for my girls and what they need.  It would need a lot of plumbing work done, heating work, it has only one bedroom so it would need two more rooms added on and it has no shower.  When my husband and I first got married we had no shower and I use to wash my hair in the sink, but my girls would not live with me if they had to do that.  So I doubt very much I would move down there.  Minnesota is still most likely where I will be going after May.

Cat and bat stories.

I remember one time coming home from my grandma?s house it was dark outside.  My cat was making some really strange noises, so I picked her up to give her a hug.  When I put her down my hair felt heavier, so I parted my hair thinking maybe I had a knot in it.  I have always had long hair.  Anyways, I instead found a lump in it on the side walk from the shadow made by the street lamp and realized there was a mouse hanging in my hair.  I freaked and ran over to the car where my dad was tinkering with something.  I am screaming at the top of my lungs that there was a mouse in my hair! There is a mouse in my hair! Get it out! Get it out!  He just stands there and says, ?What??  I realized I was not going to get any where with him, so I run into the house and scream to my mom that there was a mouse in my hair.  She then says what.  I then part my hair and she screams and says there is a mouse in your hair and says to get outside.  I then run back to my dad screaming yet again that there is a mouse in my hair and to get it out.  He then quietly and calmly says I didn?t understand you the first time I don?t know why you think I will know what you are saying this time.  Then my mom comes to the door and says there is a mouse in my hair.  He then says where?  While this whole time the mouse is still in my hair.  I then turn parting my hair and he says, ?Oh why didn?t you say so?? and knocks the thing out.  Like a kid I was mad at my dad not my cat.  I was mad at him for being so dense not at my cat who was just bringing me food.  I guess she thought I would want to play with it for awhile too first or she thought it was already dead.

I remember another time a bat got in our house.  We had a chimney that was never used that a bat could come in, go down the wall and into the basement and then come up through there into the house.  Our house made a complete circle from the kitchen to the dinning room into the formal dining room then the living room and then into the bathroom.  The bat was in the formal dining room.  My mom calls the neighbor woman to come over to help her get this bat out of the house.  She comes over in this full body overall suit and a huge netting.  I mean this thing was as big as she was that they used to go smelt fishing.  She comes in a little crouched and says, ?Where is it??  My mom says I don?t know I think it is in the dinning room.  They go into the bathroom to form a plan.  The neighbor woman goes out first with the netting and my mom crouches behind her.  I hear the neighbor woman scream then I hear my mom scream and then I hear them come racing back to the bathroom.  They get in and shut the door and catch there breath.  My mom then says what did you scream for?!  And the other woman said because it winked at me.  There is silence for a second and a blank look on my mom?s face and then she says, ?What??  And the woman had the nerve to repeat it. LOL.  She says, ?It winked at me.?  I then started laughing and they both turned looked at me and said almost in unison, ?What are you laughing for?  This isn?t funny.?  I then said, ?You to are like bonnie and Clyde.?  They then tell me I should go out there and get it.  I said, ?No way I?m not stupid,? while still laughing.  They then decide to call in reinforcement, THE MEN.   Problem was neither of them was home.  When my dad finally gets home he asks why we were sitting in the bathroom.  They proceeded to tell him and he goes out with the net swoops up the bat and takes it outside.  Then there was an argument about what should be done next.  My dad wanted to let it go and my mom wanted it dead.  Her argument was it knew its way back in!  So my dad proceeded to kill it with a baseball bat.  It made the most horrible screeching noise.  My mom said good maybe that will make all the other bats think twice about coming to our house.

And those are my bat and cat stories.

I grew up in Michigan; I remember when my cousin and I use to go snowmobiling in the three fields behind my house. My dad made a trail one year and told my cousin and me that we could ride the snowmobiles by ourselves if we stayed on the track he made. Yeah right that lasted for about an hour and then we were making our own trails. We would play hide and seek and cops and robbers. We were turning off our snowmobiles to try and figure out where the other one was until at one point we both had are machines off at the same time and then accused the other of cheating. We had so much fun, we would come in just long enough to drink hot chocolate and then we would be right back out there. My girls have never seen enough snow to go snowmobiling. We always talked about going to his sister?s house for Christmas, but never had enough money to make the drive up there. It is kind of sad when you think about it. I also remember washing my hair and then heading out to go sleding and then coming home with ice formed in my hair.? My mom would be so mad at me.? I had to wash my hair because I hated how it felt greasy if I didn't.? My responce was always the same to my mom the "top was dry!"? I remember one time in middle of the night hearing my cat fighting with another cat.? I jumped out of bed and raced outside to see her in a tree with another cat trying to get to her.? She was fixed, but I am sure the other cat was not.? So there I was in nothing but a nightgown and bare feet standing in the snow crying trying to get my cat to come down out of that tree.? I yelled at the other cat until he ran off and then my cat finally came down. ? In a lot of ways I am looking forward to moving to Minnesota, but at the same time it is also very scary. Change is never easy especially for someone who has a submissive personality. 

I had a guy who was adamant to tell me he is not helping me for sex or to get sex. He tells me he can get anyone he wants for sex and does not have to prey on a damsel in distress. Now I am grateful that this guy helped me when I was in court just by being there, but he then tells me that I need to be pampered. He then tells me he wants to take me to the casino and get in a whirl pool and get a message and so on and so forth, so then next time he brought that up I said well that depends on what you mean by being pampered. There was silence on the other end of the phone and then he goes into his speech again about how he doesn?t have to take advantage of a woman. He never called me again.  He was very over weight and came to the court house with a huge stain on his shirt.

I have another guy who wants to fly in to meet me, but not unless it is a sure thing for sex. Do you have any idea how much pressure that puts on me?

Then when I finally do meet a good looking guy that I think I might be willing to get with.  He wanted to take me out for coffee until he found out I was getting a divorce. Then he wanted to go to my apartment and what makes it worse he shows me he has Levetra in his car door. That is the same thing as Viagra. I let this guy know that I am not interested in having sex with him because he expected to be able to after the first five minutes of meeting me and to make matters worse he keeps stuff in his car to be prepared. He then decides to come clean with me and say he is married, but she is never willing to have sex because she is dying of lupus; which is ironic because a woman came to Kroger where I work telling me she has lupus. He then calls me another day to say he is in the area and wondered if I would like company. I of course said no because to ask to come to my place means he is hoping for sex. 

Where are the good looking guys who do not meet me with a stained shirt and a gut so big I am not sure I could find his dick even if I was willing?  Where are the sensitive guys who are willing to take there time and get to know a girl before he expects sex?      HAPPY VALENTINES DAY GUYS!!

eloquently so I shall paste it here.  Simply because sometimes it is better coming from someone else than me.

They don't get the idea that you need to know someone to trust them. Then it takes time for that trust to become respect. Then if it's played right then that trust and respect mite turn into your need to give of yourself. It is one of the funny parts of this lifestyle most think it is the Dom taking but the truth is that it is the submissive giving herself. Once a submissive gives herself this way then he will own all of her and not just what is taken.

Okay let me tell you what it is like for me sifting through messages and how hard it is when there is no damn picture.  I have a guy who messages me here and then says he won?t send a picture here for his own personal reasons and to give him my yahoo id.  Now already I am thinking yeah okay I am not stupid this is to know when I am sitting at my computer to see when I am online.  Not that it will work because I rarely ever show online, but I give him the benefit of the doubt and send it to him.  He then messages me on yahoo and says he is sending me his picture in an email and he does this with yet another email address.  So I have three different nicks to keep track of for a guy I hardly know.  It should not be this damn cumbersome to see or know what a guy looks like.  Now to make matters worse the guy is either going bald, looks like he could be my dad or worse looks like he could be my grandpa or he weighs three hundred pounds plus.  Then a guy I would be interested is offended because I don?t remember him and thinks it is because I have all these other guys I am interested in.  Let me tell you guys I have no control over who messages me.  I can?t tell you how many times I wish I did, but to not want anything to do with me because of the amount of guys who messages me is not fair.  Now the first thing all of you are going to say is then delete all these other guys.  Well I say to that is, that is not fair to me or these other guys.  Because I will tell you it is these guys who can make the best friends.  Especially when they know and understand all we will ever be is friends.  Now those that think you can get more than that from me that I am not interested in.  I have plenty of guys who can vouch other wise and how sadly mistaken you will be.

?I want people to know my life is not all that as so many guys would like to think when they see my pictures. I want people to see a person behind my pictures not a sex toy for men to exploit.? I can't get over how lazy some of you guys are coming accross.? What do so many of you have against reading.? Did it ever occur to you that some of you might actually learn something about the mind of a submissive and how hard life actually is being one?? Did it ever occur to you that encouraging submissive behavior just makes it that much harder for us?? While you are busy wanting us to prove we are submissive or slave we are just trying to survive in a world that does not understand a submissive personality.

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:25:53 PM): are you oxforddoctor on the singles group?

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:26:04 PM): yes

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:26:12 PM): are you free tonight

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:26:17 PM): are you free tonight

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:26:23 PM): just read your last message on it

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:26:25 PM): sort of

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:26:26 PM): why?

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:26:28 PM): J

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:26:40 PM): are you a doctor?

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:27:56 PM): yes

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:27:59 PM): you?

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:28:09 PM): just a cashier at kroger

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:28:35 PM): nice

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:28:47 PM): i love Kroger's cashiers

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:28:51 PM): they are HOT

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:28:53 PM): lol

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:29:32 PM): they put wipped cream on their nipples

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:29:44 PM): I see

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:30:23 PM): do you like that

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:30:41 PM): maybe with a guy I know well and that knows me

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:30:49 PM): nice

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:32:53 PM): so what kind of doctor are you?

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:33:29 PM): I have a Doctorate degree in engineering and i work as a Researcher for the EPA

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:33:39 PM): what is epa

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:34:48 PM): Environmental Protection Agency

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:34:58 PM): so you have a doctorate not a doctor

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:35:21 PM): don't you think the way you answer that question is a little bit deceiving?

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:36:39 PM): what question?

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:36:55 PM): the way you answered my question if you are a doctor or not

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:37:24 PM): yes I am Doctor Simoneaux all my students call my Doctor Simoneaux

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:37:49 PM): but you are not a doctor by the definition that most people mean when they ask you that question

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:37:50 PM): I am not a Physician

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:37:53 PM): exactly

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:37:55 PM): I am a Doctor

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:37:58 PM): okay

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:38:11 PM): don't you think you should explain that when someone asks you?

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:38:17 PM): instead of just saying yes I am a doctor

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:38:47 PM): i did " I have a Doctorate degree in engineering and i work as a Researcher for the EPA"

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:38:57 PM): no you said that after I asked more questions

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:38:59 PM): not on your own

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:39:03 PM): only after being prompted

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:39:23 PM): I said when I said it

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:39:31 PM): yep

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:39:35 PM): and what kind of degree do you have

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:39:42 PM): I told you I don't

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:39:50 PM): high school?

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:39:53 PM): yes

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:39:55 PM): good

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:39:56 PM): and some college

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:39:59 PM): and plan to go back

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:40:02 PM): this fall

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:40:04 PM): great

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:40:35 PM): I would not have told you some college until you asked if I finished high school

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:40:55 PM): yeah i like that

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:41:07 PM): I wish you were more like that

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:41:28 PM): yeah I was like that when I was 18 years old

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:41:37 PM): like what?

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:41:40 PM): I had a high school degree

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:41:59 PM): not bragging or deceiving?

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:42:27 PM): i was uneducated

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:42:57 PM): i didn't know the difference of the doctor and the physician

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:43:16 PM): yes you do

Doctor (1/23/2009 8:43:52 PM): i didn't when i was 18 i was like you

Delicate (1/23/2009 8:44:34 PM): what humble and not deceiving?

Now guys granted this guy probably gets laid a lot with this tactic, but here is my question what happens if he meets a girl and figures out that he really likes her and wants her for more than just a quick lay?  He has deceived her to get in her pants and now he has to come clean and hope she doesn?t hate him for being less than honest.  Granted he can play riddle games like he was working to do with me.  I have a doctorate not a doctor you didn?t ask enough questions to know the difference.  He can try and play it off that she was stupid so now not only did he deceive her but insult her intelligence as well.  What happen to just being honest and falling in love the old fashion way?  Why do men and woman feel the need to be deceptive by not letting someone see our picture or honest about what you do.  It is bad enough we have arrogant guys here who think it is okay to say you are not submissive if you do not do everything a guy says when you haven?t even met each other yet.  Do not underestimate my intelligence, do not be deceptive, and don?t tell me you read my journal when you haven?t.  Is that really to much to ask?

I am so tired of people contacting me with no damn picture.  I hate how it makes me feel when I am not physically attracted to the person and then have to tell them we can be friends when they finally do show me a picture.  I feel like the idea is to let a person get to know them, so how they look doesn?t matter to who ever it is they want.  Let me tell you something if someone you know is at this sight.  Then they have to explain themselves as to why they were on the sight in the first place to have stumbled on your picture.  I am at a point now where I see why people say no picture no comment because sooner or later you want more than just friends.  I feel like eventually that is what you?re going to ask and it always boils down to how the hell would I know when you have no damn picture.  Then I feel like I am put on the spot.  I like guys with dark hair, I like mustaches, I like thin necks, round faces,  I don?t like a guy who I feel is thinner than me, so a little weight is good.  I don?t want to be with a guy who looks like he could be my dad.  Very few guys look good bald or balding.  Very few guys look good with grey hair.  My guess is my hair would be very grey if I did not maintain it.  Why is it society feels only woman should have to take care of their looks and men can let themselves go?  Because he has a lot of money, it is not your money I would be walking down the isle with.  It is not your money I would be waking up next to every day.  It is not your money I would be having sex with or have to be attracted to, to do that.  I wish I knew a better way to say it.  I wish I knew how to get my point across without being blunt.  When the internet first became open to the public few had a picture they could send.  Now there is no excuse, it is to easy to get one on the computer.  Walgreens will put any picture you have on diskette.   I find it rude to ask for one?s name and just as rude not to send a picture when contacting someone.  At least it is if you are hoping that person might one day want to be with you.

Okay update on my sex life

I met a guy Holloween night I know I have talked about him in the past.  He asked me to spend the night with him and I did.  It was awesome well sort of. I will say it could have been awesome.  I did not expect to have sex I didn?t even expect him to be able to get hard much less keep it up.  Well it started when we got to bed.  We kissed, okay I kissed him.  I kissed his chest, his neck, his cheek it was nice.  He then put my hand on his dick and I was surprised to find it hard.  He put his hand on my throat and applied just a little pressure.  Just enough to let me know his hand was there and what he could do.  It was perfect.  I then got on top of him and he whipped my butt with his hand.  Not to hard and just a few times, just enough to make me wish he did it more.  Then I became analytical and concerned about where this was going.  If we had talked about it or if he had done this before or at the very least was a dom it might have been okay, but we didn?t and he hadn?t and he wasn?t.  So it was just scary.  I was afraid, afraid that I might start crying or worse loose myself in what he was doing.  He wouldn?t know how to deal with that or even understand.  So I became very dry and the whole thing came to an end.  He said if I wished I could wake him up again in middle of the night, but I didn?t.

The next day we talked about it little and right before he left he asked me if I was still sexually frustrated.  I didn?t say much.  He then said I was and that he was there if I wanted to.  Then said I know you know how to arouse a guy.  I then said and I am sure you know how to arouse a woman.  What did he expect me to do?  I had already been kissing him his dick was hard because I had been caressing and touching it, but he had his pants on.  What did he expect me to do?  Rape him?  It is not like I could lift his body to get his pants off.  It just seemed ridiculous to me.  He is use to woman taking the lead and I am use to men taking the lead.  Since neither of us could do the opposite of what we are use to it didn?t happen.  I could never be a guy.  I find taking the lead so hard.  You guys do have the advantage in that you don?t have to worry if we are capable of performing.  You just have to worry about if we will want to or not and I would like to think that most woman are like me in letting you know if we are interested or not.  Since when did sex become so complicated?

It is kind of ironic that my sister-in-law would say she doesn?t want me to have my daughter because she doesn?t know who I would date.  This guy got his feelings hurt because I told him I would not date him.  Not just because of how badly things go sexually between us, but because he is addicted to prescription drugs and drinks to much.  I asked him, would you want your daughter to date you (someone like you)?  He thought about it for a minute and then said no.  I then said then why would you get your feelings hurt becaus I wouldn?t want to or want you to date my daughter?  We are still friends, but I will be glad when I have better options.

You said your self my husband is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.? His emails to me are certainly making that more and more apparent.? What happens if he finally looses it completely when our daughter is there? It is not like she has someone she can call to come get her when she is on the other side of the world.? It is not like she knows a number to call of someone there to help her. The first time he went to the Middle East to work for the guy he is working for now he offered him a prostitute.? We had not been there as a family yet and we were both still a witness.? Do you think he would turn one down now?? And what do you think the chances are of him being willing to have her there with our daughter there?? Why wouldn?t he?? He was living with two women while in the states.? The courts didn?t give a damn about that, so why would he feel they would care what he does over there?

I am really getting sick of everyone using the word discipline to describe what we all like doing.  It makes it sound like no woman is capable of being an adult and still like bdsm.  You know even in the vanilla world who know nothing about the titles like to whip their woman?s ass from time to time and they don?t know shit about the words.  That is what I guess you could say I am looking for.  A guy who just happens to like the same thing we do without all the bullshit.  A guy who treat a woman with respect can not be hateful, just knows how to enjoy sex with blind folds and floggers.  Not demand sex just because he is the one who happens to like doing the whipping.  Why does it have to be filled with so much hate?  Why does it have to always be about being demanding? 

Update:

The guy who angered me is in a bad marriage and can?t understand why I have not found someone in two years.  You have no idea how much I want to put his name on my profile so all of you who are not in a bad marriage can message him and tell him how hard it is to find the right person.  I am also tired of so many of you only reading the most recent three journal entries and then judge me from ONLY those three entries.  I want a guy with a back bone.  I want a man who can stand up to the plate and live up to the title they have given themselves.  It would not be fair to you for you to become emotionally attached to me and then find out that I am going through to much shit for you to want to be a part of my life.  It would also not be fair to me to get close to you and find out you don?t want to be a part of my life because of things going on in my life that I have no control over.  It is also ironic that the few guys who have been there for me are not Dom?s at all.  Thank you to the most of you who have had nothing but kind and encouraging words to give.  It means a lot to me especially when one out of the crowd is full of nothing but negativity to me.  Thank you for helping me get through those few bad messages. 

It is really funny how different people can see the same information and the same pictures and see it all and read it all so differently. I had a guy over today and he said he was surprised how calm I am and bubbly considering all I am going through and how I am being treated by so many people. Then I have a guy on here read my journal and say all I do is whine and push people away. That even my picture depicts one of turning people away. You know I have no control of how people treat me. All I can do is tell my life the way I see it. There is so much going on in my life that I have not put here. A great deal that is going on right now that few know about. The guy who was here tonight being one of them. Yet even though he knows he saw how well I am handling. I just hope I continue to handle it well in spite of the FEW negative messages I get. In spite of the problems I may face in the near future do to what is happening right now.

I had a guy message me saying that was the most he had ever read about periods.  Another guy said too much information.  I messaged him back and said then don?t read it.  Here is the reason why I wrote it and what you should have gotten out of it.  I could tell you that I am blunt, short tempered, and moody, but it is not the same as showing you my personality.  Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words.  Yeah you can tell me you are not a player, but I am showing you I am not a player.  You can tell me about your personality, but I am showing you my personality.  I am not looking for a guy to train me. I am looking for a guy who loves me for who I already am.

Guys? favorite subject and yes this is sarcasm,

Well it might be okay to go stay with this guy.  He is definitely detail oriented.  I have been really having a hard time today not being able to see my girls and he said well it was a full moon yesterday and it is suppose to rain tomorrow and you are probably about to start your period.  Gawd I hate that he is so detail oriented.  My future ex would say, ?Woman, don?t know what they want and get mad when they don?t get it.?  So technically I am just living up to the expectations of my being a female.

When I was a teenager my mom asked me if I started my period.  I said, ?What??  ?Why would you ask me that??  She says ?because your dad said you were.?  I then said, ?Oh really and how would he know!?  She said, ?Well he said two days before your period you are happy no matter how bad things are and the day before your period you are miserable no matter how good a day it is.?  I was soooo mad I went off sooo bad.  I said it wasn?t true and there is no way he could know that.  The next day I started my period.  I hate predictability and I hate that word even more. 

I guess I am starting my period tomorrow.

And since we are on the subject that I know you guys love.  Hey if I am miserable, so can you be.  You know the old saying misery loves company.  Before I got my period ever my mom explained it to me.  I was mad.  I said, ?Oh really and what happens to guys?? ?What do they get??  She laughed and said, ?Nothing.?  Then I was really mad.  I said, ?Oh really, that?s not fair, than I am not going to either.?  I didn?t start my period until I was 16.  My mom had threatened that she would be taking me to the doctor if I didn?t start by the time I was 17.  I was so happy that I called my girl friend up to tell her.  She was like ?What?! What?! What is it??  I said, ?I started my period!?  She said, ?Oh lord is that all??  I said, ?Yeah it is a big deal.?  She had been having her period for years by then.  Her periods were miserable though.  I think I have had cramps from them maybe once or twice in my life.

But it is okay you guys are the ones who have to put up with us while we are on our periods muahahahahha

I could never be a guy.  Then I would have to date someone like me; woman who are an emotional roller coaster, no thanks.  I guess that answer?s the question on if I am bi huh.  I don?t even want to live with me, why would I want another just like me?  That is why I like Dom?s they are usually very even keel and show little emotion.  I am jealous of that sometimes.  It just goes to show they need someone like me in there life to keep life interesting.  It is all in how you look at it and this thinking works for me.  Deal with it. 

Update

The guy I most recently wrote about isn?t seeing me any more. He said he couldn?t handle having someone around so much. And I can?t handle being there for him and him not willing to be there for me. So I am back at my apartment full time and the empty silent apartment is screaming at me, it sucks. I find the guys here to be either over weight, on drugs, on medication or just never get around to meeting me.? Then of course their the select few who are waiting around for me to need them and then say they will help me with what ever it is I need help with after I fuck them.? If my daughter doesn?t move back home the government will not pay for my schooling. Too much money with no dependents even though it is half what I was getting when I had my girls. So if my daughter comes back I hope it is before all the classes are full. If she doesn?t I doubt I will stay here. I have a guy I have known for a year who has offered to let me stay with him. Then I could use my money to pay for classes. Just not sure if I can do that, knowing someone and living with them is two different things and a week doesn?t count.

I was in school to become a nurse, but I am under too much stress to try that route again right now. So I hope to work towards being a therapist. What I have always wanted to be since I was five. And if you have read any of my past journal entries you will know why. If you want to know why then I suggest you click on the profile and then click next page and read.

People ask me if I cook. I had to cook when I was married or we didn?t eat. He didn?t make much money, so we couldn?t afford to eat out. So yes I cook and I cooked as cheap as possible. The things I made stretched. I made casseroles, chili, roasts, Hamburg?s, and a lot of pre-made foods that you heated up. I also cooked a lot with the crock pot those were the nights I felt like I was eating out; except I had to wash the pot the next day and those things are so heavy.

Please do not think that I will go running to live with you because you have the room for me. It doesn?t work like that and you should know that. You can?t take the time to get to know me and put in the time. Then you are not the one for me.

Okay let me clarify for all of you.? The guy I have talked about most recently I am FRIENDS with. ?
? ?
It will never be more than that for many reasons. ?
? ?
?
He is too young ?
He has far too many issues I do not want to be with someone who has more issues than I do thank you very much. ?
I do not want to be with someone who can?t get it up without medication.? Especially when he is as young as he is. ?
He is a smoker. ?
He needs far too many medications. ?
? ?
So please stop wishing me luck with a guy that is my friend.

I met him on Halloween night.?? he is very good looking.? I love to watch him move.? He has to take a lot of medication so he has a hard time getting an erection.? It is a really nice change.? I don?t feel all the pressure that I do with other guys to have to have sex.? Some sex would be nice but it seems life is all or nothing these days.? It is nice to have someone to sleep next to though.

I just love guys who say they are not a player.  Do you really think a player would announce that he is a player?  Don?t tell me your not a player prove it!  Let me give you an example of what I believe a player to be.  A player to me is someone who will talk about nothing but seducing me.  What he would do to me sexually.  He most likely would want to even tell me on the phone what all he would want to do to me so that I can hear his voice.  However, he will block his number so that I can not reach him as well by phone.  This way once he feels I am hooked on him he can then pull the plug and disappear for awhile.  That way when he comes back around with what ever excuse he thinks up for not having been around, the woman is anxious and desperate for it not to happen again and will do almost anything to ensure it doesn?t.  That to me is what a player is.  I can tell you right now guys I am not that flighty.  My girls come first as well as my education.  If I leave here it will be a calculated move with a job and a place to live.  I will not assume it is going to work out with you because you said all the right things that you want to do to me in the bedroom.  Sex is a very small part of a relationship.  You can?t spend the entire relationship in bed.  So if all you want to talk about is sex with me.  I am going to see you as a player regardless to what you say.  That doesn?t mean I won?t talk to you.  It just means I am going to take what you say with a grain of salt and I am going to assume over time you will disappear for awhile.  I will also not assume that is necessarily just me you are trying this tactic on when you do disappear.

What I wear,

A lot of you are asking about my clothes or how you would want me to dress.  I like to wear heels especially with jeans.  I like dresses over skirts.  I prefer short ones or for them to go to the floor.  I do not like below the knee because I think they make me look short and frumpy.  If I do where a skirt I prefer it tight to my stomach and flare out, again because they look frumpy if I don?t.  I prefer jeans most of the time because to me it lets me know if I am getting fat or not.  I prefer a dress over dress pants.  I like to wear boots in the winter; I find I like most all boots.  If I am not wearing boots I wear tennis shoes.  I like heels in the summer, but only have two pairs a red pair and a black pair.

 I sleep in a night gown or night shirt and nothing else. 

I believe that the root of all wars is religion.  In the name of religion we start wars.  We have a war because we believe God disapproves of their action; thus, it is our duty to correct that.  I think it is through communication that we should learn to understand and correct our thinking not through killing.  Two wrongs do not make a right. 

We take children away from mothers because we do not approve of the way they had the baby.  Who are we to be so self righteous to pass that kind of judgment on to others like that?  We do not know that persons life story.  Not having a mother to love them, wanting love, and needing to be loved finding that love with a man or thinking they did; finding them selves pregnant, so we then rip their child from them.  How dare we judge, does the bible not say do not judge less you be judged?  How quick the world was to judge me without knowing the whole story.  Now my girls will have all kinds of issues do to the damage done by taking them from me.  Everyone assumed my mother would be a bad mother because she had me out of wed lock.  I am living proof that the world was wrong about her to.  Her circumstances had a lot to do with why she did what she did.  Her wanting to be loved, needing to be loved, and finding unconditional love; giving her the incentive to live a different life than her mother.  Rising above her own mother?s life and creating a better one.  Her mother-in-law never for gave her for how she had me; even when she proved to be a good mother and wife.  She could not except that her son was happy and that my mother took good care of him.  If my dad was unhappy it was because of his mother judging not because of his wife.  How dare we judge, judging is also a sin.  Jesus stood around the crowd of people and said he who has never sinned cast the first stone.  No one could through the first stone because they had all sinned.

People rip families apart and then say it is the name of religion and God to feel good about it.

People who don't even know anything about bdsm say Sir.  I give people respect even when they don't deserve it, in hopes they learn how you should treat people.

I find people to be very insensitive at times.  Granted no one at work knows what I am going through, but all of you here do, if you have read my journal that is.  My girlfriend does not get to see her kids ever.  She talks to them on the phone but she can?t see them.  Now my daughter is home I would never rub that in to my girlfriend.  I say little to her about that because I think it would be insensitive and rude to talk to her about that.  If she were to ask me how it is going I would say okay or good.  I would not elaborate unless it was not going well or there were problems, unless she asked me to give details. Why would I tell her how great it is to have my daughter with me, when she doesn?t have hers?  That is just mean in my opinion.  I don?t get people who want to rub in how great their life is.  How great their kids are doing in school, when they know my oldest is not in a real school at all.  I am not going to tell my girlfriend how my oldest is passing all her little booklet tests with A?s when her son was expelled for three days.  I like to think I am sensitive to not only other people situations, but feelings.  I wish people were more sensitive.  I wish people would put themselves in other people?s shoes once in awhile.  I wish people would think before they speak. 

While I am at work this woman complains to the greeter that I didn?t talk to her enough or smile enough.  Now I don?t know about all of you, but when I go to the grocery store the last thing on my mind is if the cashier talked to me enough.  I think it very sad that people go to the grocery store for conversation.   That is just ridiculous.  Now if I was the greeter I would have said well we don?t know what kind of day she is having.  Maybe she just had a lot on her mind or tired from lifting all the heavy coke cans and water bottles.  Instead she comes in and says to me that I am not smiling or talking to people enough.  Oh Yes now that makes me want to smile and talk more.  I am the only one who doesn?t say the same thing to everyone.  There are people who come in my line just to see what I am going to say next.  Everyone else says, find everything okay?  Have any coupons?  Have a nice day and come back.  I refuse to ask any of those questions.  Instead if they come with one item I will say is this it?  Is this all you got?  You got nothing!  This is noffin!  Then to make sure they don?t think I am pressuring them to buy things I commend them on their will power not to be tempted by what is in the store.  If they have kids in the basket I will say shall we put you up here and see what you are worth?  I love hearing the parents comment with that one.  When the kids want to help empty the cart I tell them if they keep it up will have to put them on the pay roll and then mom will never see them and it just goes down hill from there and they laugh.  But I can?t be like that all the time there is going to be moments when I miss my daughter especially when a girl her age comes through my line.  This one woman she says is everything okay?  I said yes why?  She says well the way you are throwing those pop can boxes and case of water bottles into the cart I just wondered.  I wished I had said yes you are right I really need to start lifting weights so they are not so heavy for me so I can put them in slower.  Just more stupid comments with no thought to what I am doing all day, bending into carts lifting heavy items.  People are just very insensitive and very much about themselves.  It gets old.

another long and boring weekend starts tonight.  I hope I work Sunday.

I have a friend that worked at Mc Donalds.  One night she called it to let them know she was not going to make it to work the next day.  It seems the night manager did not let anyone know she said this.  So the next morning no one was there to get things ready for that day.  Someone higher up comes in and is enraged and says she is fired.  When she told him that she did call in.  It became her word against a manager's word.  Luckly the manager was honest and said she did call.  A few days later a guy did NOT call in when he was not going to show up for work.  It was for the same shift.  Nothing was said to him.  When my friend asked about it.  She was told you do not have a dick and that the guy has an issue with woman.  I am beginning to think that is typical of this city and possibly the South in general. 

My girls are being deprived of an education because this city can't believe that my husband is not the better person to have my girls.  This man and two woman are convincing my girls that little booklets can replace a school setting environment.  I can't help but think they don't care because they are female.  I was forced on drugs in a mental institute.  Then forced on more drugs.  I was told that if you should not be on those drugs it will cause the symptoms that you were put on them for.  This can cause people to end up in there for life.  It is a very scary thing to think that doctors hope you end up in a mental institute for life to make thier pay check. 

In the end my girls will find out what their dad did to them as well as me.  That they were deprived of a GOOD education because of him.  You know I am being told that they will have to take some responcibility for not getting a good education.  I say not when they are being brain washed to believe booklets can replace a good education, but my saying they should take responcibility for the lies they have said.  Well then it is said they are just children.  Why is it they are just children when they outright lie about me, but they are to take responsibility for not getting a good education.  To me this sounds very backwards.  Especially when they are being told by three adults that little booksletts are just as good as an education as a school setting.  how dare I be angry that they lied about me to the attorney, judge and therapist.

Update:

Well I am told by my therapist that the letter I sent to the judge says I am crazy.  If anyone can tell me how I would love to hear it.  Basically anything I say will say to all of them that I am crazy because that is what they want to believe and that is what they have in their heads.  Nothing I say is going to matter.  The bottom line is they do not want to listen to a mother.  They want to hear it from an attorney.  Since I cant? afford one.  I am not going to be treated fairly.  The letter I sent is in my journal entry on 3/4/2008.  My therapist is trying to set up an appointment with the girls attorney to talk to her about my seeing my girls.  I don?t expect anything to come of it though.  Even if I do get to see my daughter it will just be a few times before we go back to court on June 6.  If I say I miss them and love them I am giving them a guilt trip.  If I try to be a mother and help them to see the importance of school or the problem with going to the Middle East I am being manipulative.  They have no intentions of me having anything to do with my girls because there is no money in that.   

This year for Easter I will be doing the same thing I did for Christmas and Thanksgiving sitting at home eating a dollar TV dinner.  Last year at this time my husband was chasing the crystal meth girl.  He said she only spent two nights with him in that stupid warehouse with no ac or shower.  Every year he would hide the girls Easter basket and then put little notes around the house that would lead to the next note to finally lead to their basket.  Last year I did it so my daughter didn?t end up hating her dad.  I thought I did pretty good job too.  This year I don?t even know if she still wants to celebrate Easter any more.  I have not been allowed to talk to her.  And the girls therapist had the nerve to say he left just me not them.

My girls did not celebrate most of their birthdays growing up because we never had the money.  He always under bid his programming projects and took far to long to get them done that we spent most of our money on late fee?s.  We never had the money to visit my relatives but always went to his side of the family for family reunions every year.  My daughter had no desire to stay in school because she felt we wouldn?t have the money for her to go to her prom any ways.  If I am making it now can you imagine what I could afford if I had child support?  I have never talked about ALL of the woman he has been with to anyone.  Not even to my therapist much less to my girls. 

I have been told that I should get an attorney and let that person drag him through the mud.  The problem I have with that is after all the attorney?s and therapist are gone.  I still have graduations, weddings, baby?s being born, and other major events in my girls life that we have to get alone with each other through.  He may feel okay doing what he is doing to me, but I am not.  I want to be able to sleep at night knowing I told the truth not lies.  This is not just any guy, but the father my girls.  Why is this kind of behavior encouraged and okay?   Why are attorneys okay with this?  How do they sleep at night knowing how much they destroy lives, making a bad situation even worse?

The black and white picture is a few years older than the colored ones.

You know sometimes I think I should get me a vanilla guy and introduce him to bdsm.  Then I don?t have to put up with the stupid words like ownership and are you collared, oh yeah and my personal favorite disciplined.  The problem with that is he will be inexperienced and know nothing about how to swing a whip.  So I either have a choice among ass holes who think everything should be about him or find a vanilla guy who knows nothing about how to seduce a woman.  Why does life have to suck so bad?

I had a much younger guy message me questioning if I was a submissive or not.  Younger guys tend to wonder that more than older guys, has been my observation.  I told him that if he read my journal then he knows how I feel about younger guys.  I also told him not to confuse intelligence with Dominance.  He then message me back telling me that I verified what he felt about me as being hostile.  This is my response to all of you on that.

           I get messages all the time mostly from fat men hoping to get laid.  When I first learned about bdsm I was the stereotype person he speaks of.  Now I have been forced to be assertive and even more straight forward than I was before I learned about bdsm.  You are forced to assume everyone has an angle to try and get into your pants.  I have one guy on here pretending to be a female who has a guy friend looking for a submissive.  Why does a guy need a female to approach a submissive?  A guy who claims to be dominant no doubt.   Because he is hoping the woman will confide in her how she feels while he gets to know her.  While all along he is her.  These are the games I have tried played on me.  I get guys who meet me and hope to get laid, a blow job or at the very least a hand job.  This is on first date even.  I will tell all of you right now I am not looking to satisfy every guy?s sexual needs while looking for the man I wish to spend the rest of my life with.

              As a good Dominant you have to think about the sub not just her needs, but what her life is like in the past and present.  Then how she responds to you will make more sense.  If you put her first then as a natural sub she will put you first.  You won?t have to tell her what you are looking for in a submissive.  She will be what you are looking for.  If you are the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with.  Give her time to find that out.  Wait until she is ready to commit not demand it.  It is a very big deal to announce you found the one you wish to spend the rest of your life with.  I think many of you miss out on that because she didn?t say it soon enough in your eyes.  I also think far too many do not take that seriously enough.  That is both men and woman, thus I think many of you find yourself alone just as fast once again.

I think it is interesting how people read just a few journal entries and think they know me enough to lecture me on what I should be doing or not doing.  Like I sit around thinking about nothing except what I write about here.  I write what I write here for you to know me.  To know where I started to know where I am and going.  I like it when the few of you see how far I have come even though I don?t like it pointed out to me.  I will be glad when I have my independence and see that I can make it on my own financially.  Not needing to depend on a man who hopes I die or end up in a mental institute for the rest of my life. 

A problem I have is how people view you if you talk to everyone.  Most submissives are nice by nature.  That means we don?t like to hurt people?s feelings.  Dom?s on the other hand do not give a shit for the most part.  If they don?t like you they have no problem saying it and not giving it a second thought.  If a sub doesn?t remember you they see it oh she must be talking to a lot of guys.  When it might be that a lot of guys message us.  I am replying to a lot less of them than I use to.  I use to feel obligated to answer everyone.  Now that I have put in my journal that if you don?t have a picture you will be less likely to get a reply I feel a lot better about not replying. 

The definition of a slut is not someone who talks to a lot of people, but a person who has sex with a lot of people.  You don?t talk to me for weeks or months at a time and then expect me to remember you and get offended when I don?t.  That is unfair and ridiculous especially when you don?t have a picture for me to put a face to the nick.  All I can say to that is grow up and get over it.  Remind me of who you are and show me a picture of you.  My room mate reminded me of a guy she went out with by telling me his nick.  I for the life of me couldn?t remember him.  He was a guy that is married and almost moved in with when I needed to find a place to live fast.  My mind just wasn?t on it at the time.  It doesn?t mean I don?t remember him.  I don?t believe for one second that someone could tell you about a girl you once saw and for a short time you don?t remember her right away.  She could have been a girl from high school that you thought at one time you would marry even.  Does that make you are a slut or a horrible person for not remembering her?  No it makes you human. 

January 9 2003 it is not worth touching everyone?s heart and why

When I was a little girl I knew I wanted to do.  I wanted to get to know people like my father.  I wanted to get to know them get close to them and find out what makes them tick.  What made them become the person they are, selfish and uncaring totally thoughtless to other people?s feelings.  The ultimate would be to meet my father himself and hurt him the way he hurt me and make him regret not knowing me.  But when I met him it wasn?t like that.  I knew he came from a good home and was raised with morals, to be kind, to be a good person.  So I couldn?t understand how he could hurt someone like that.  Then tell her to destroy a life.  Even if he didn?t believe it was his, it was still a life.  He blamed it on being young and stupid.  It is a poor excuse for my death sentence, but what can I say to that?  Besides if I was bitter and turned my back I could not get to know the man that made me happen.  That is a big deal to me, to get to know the man who hurt me so.  Who hurt my mom and didn?t care, or even know how much he did.  He has a part in why I look the way I do and a big part of why I think the way I do.  Maybe if I had met him early on in my life.  He would not have had the impact he did on me.  But I didn?t meet him when I was young and as a young adult I still wanted to know him.  For him to know me, but once I got to know him I no longer wanted him to know me.  I know longer wanted him to know what he did to me.  How he affected my whole life and how I view men in general, because of him, as though they are my personal quest.  It is as though I am still looking for him.  We have never been close and never will be nor do I believe I want to be, which is why I don?t think I care to affect him.  I like that he does not know me or the whole picture.  Frankly I don?t think he is a deep enough person to even understand what he did to me.  Like he said; ?what difference does it make now??  He can?t go back and change it now and if he did I still wouldn?t be here.  All he could say is I am sorry, which is frankly very little consolation to me.  So he is just not worth my time.  I get very little gratification in touching his heart.  I would much rather affect people I don?t know.

November 14, 2002 my desire and needs, a secret and why

I remember when I first met my Master.  He asked me what you would do if I told you to jump off a bridge.  I didn?t know what to say.  I thought to myself I just met this guy and he already wants to know if I would die for him?  I might die for my mom, but I don?t know if I could die for someone I hardly know.  Not that I would jump off a building being the reason.  I wouldn?t want to loose him though either. Besides I had kids to think about and raise.  Then he let me off the hook and said; ?no you would say no.  He then said you are a gift and when someone gives you a gift you cherish it not throw it away.  I was beside myself on what to say.  I thought this was too good to be true.  There was something else I realized in all the things he was saying.  He was telling me all the rules of a Dom as well as the rules of a sub, which meant he did not want me.  I know it was because he was married and he had no desire to cheat on his wife.  But he was spending time with me now. So I would enjoy it while it lasted.

I remember telling him I feel like I am doing something wrong.  He asked me why I felt that way.  I didn?t know why.  He said; ?well there is a lot of people who do what we do, is it wrong for them too?  At the time I was surprised to hear there were people like me.  I asked him where they were and how to find them.  I just couldn?t believe there were others like me, who wished to please, who wanted to please.

When I was little and getting yelled at and in trouble for wanting to please, I didn?t think I was the only one who wanted to please.  But how do you find people like me?  He told me I could spend time in the submissive room.  I was so excited I just couldn?t believe that there was a room full of people like me.  But after spending a little time in the room, I realized they were not exactly like me.  Most of them are what you would call bratty subs.  They are like wild stallions that have to be tamed.  They want to be forced to please or they say they want to please.  But when push comes to shove they come up with a lot of reasons why they can?t or won?t.  I remember being in the room one time and a Dom?s sub did something wrong.  I don?t remember what now but I thought the discipline he chose was very cool and appropriate.  He decided to have her kiss who she considered to be her sister sub.  Now this was a chat room where everything has to be said and done in text.  She couldn?t really kiss her.  So she would have to describe kissing her.  I thought that was just to cool and I thought that is something my Master would have someone do.  But the whole room was in an up roar over it.  They just thought that was the most terrible thing he could ask them to do.  It?s not like she was actually kissing her and it is not like she was told to describe having sex with her.  It was just a kiss for heaven sake.  If it was me I would have just thought about what I would say if it was a guy or better yet my Master.  I felt bad for him even though he handled it well.  I wanted to stick up for him.  But then everyone in the room would have learned my desire and my personality.  Not to mention the guy might have thought I was trying to hit on him, and his sub might have thought the same.  Then she could have been mad at me.  Plus there is all the other Dom?s reading what I would be saying.  From what I could see none of them were like me, but all of the Dom?s in there I could tell could have wanted me.  So I didn?t dare say a word and give myself away.  I have spent my whole life believing there is something wrong with me to want to please.  Now I live in fear of someone or everyone finding out just how much I want to please.

My mom hated me wanting to please her, and I don?t even know if she ever knew just how much I wanted to.  So I have always had a fear that if my Master knew how much I wanted to please him.  He would not want me either.  I am afraid that if he knew and understood how much I needed to please.  He would say I shouldn?t do this and want nothing more to do with me.  I need him so much and I can?t begin to tell him why.

I feel like we connected right from the beginning.  He wasn?t out to tell me how special I was or how pretty I am.  It was all about the control and telling me what to do and seeing if I would do it.  Half the time I was just as curious myself.  That is if I would do what he would sometimes suggest. 

To Sir or not to Sir that is the question I ask of thee.  Some Doms think you should always say Sir after everything you say out of respect.  My feeling on that is, if you always say Sir.  Then there is no need to give any thought to what you are saying.  It is like repeating the Lords prayer.  You say it so much you loose the meaning.  It just becomes repetitious.  BUT if you don't always say it, then you have to give thought to say it.  I say it when I think it is appropriate.  To many times you will hear where a sub said; "yes Sir" and they are talking to a female Dominant or someone says they do not wish to be called by the title Sir.  Then you hear the sub say it by accident and they say; "oh sorry it is just out of habit."  Even I have been guilty of that.  I personally think it is better when it flows.  Not after every word said, but when it?s important to show, that you know to give respect.  Then when you do say it, it stands out more. It shows you give thought to the word.   Then if you were constantly repeating the word Sir, with no thought.  So I ask you; to Sir or not to Sir?  With every word you utter.

Last weekend it was warm at the zoo and people were in sun dresses and shorts.  This weekend there is 4 inches of snow on the ground and everything is white.  If you don?t like the weather in Memphis just wait a few hours.

My oldest child called me to tell me she is now in 12th grade.  I am supposed to be impressed.  I can remember when she was upset about leaving the expensive area we lived in, in the good school district.  Growing up she said it was too hard and wanted to go to an easier school.  Then when we moved to a cheaper area because he wanted a divorce she was mad that the school was too easy and worried she wouldn?t get a good education to go to college.  Now she is content with booklets.  I remember when she use to check her grades on line every day after school.  She was upset with me because I didn?t do the same.  I told her that it should concern her more than me because it is her future not mine.  I told her that if she stopped taking an interest in her grades I would most certainly start.  As a matter of fact I did exactly that when her math grade started to go down.  I told her she had to get her grade up before she went back to her boy friends house.  Her boy friends mother says to me when she is blocking me in my own home while my ex is taking all of my daughters things out of my apartment, ?And you wouldn?t let her come to my house to see her boy friend until her grade was up.?  I said in reply, ?uh yeah!?  Like what is your point lady?  She got up early that very next day to get help with math.  Her grade was back up.  Then she moves in with her dad and fails everything. 

My youngest emailed me to say she would be getting her boxes of stuffed animals and toys and that she loves me.  I guess I am suppose to be impressed with this also.  I don?t know in my opinion you don?t avoid someone you say you love.  I am finding out how stupid my kids are and what a prick my ex is.  Nothing makes sense and they wonder why I lost it.

Another journal entry from my private journal,

November 3 why pleasing other?s is pleasing me

Growing up I much preferred to be in my room than any where else.  In my room I can feel any way I want.  Look any way I want and no one is going to say anything about it or ask questions.  I don?t have to look any certain way to please anyone.  If I sit downstairs my mom is going to ask all kinds of questions.  Why do you look so sad?  What are you mad about?  What are you laughing about?  What are you thinking about?  In my room none of these questions are going to be asked.  I can think what I want, say what I want, do what I want, and wear what I want.  I can make a mess in my room just so I can clean it, and no one is going to ask me why.

When I am at school I have to watch everyone, and where they are.  It is so loud and so many people.  At home it was so quiet that I use to sit and listen to the clock tick.  It is hard and almost impossible to keep track of everyone and what they are doing.  Even if you walk close to the wall there are still people behind you.  You can?t always walk close to the wall or they will see you as a target vulnerable conspicuous.  TV was my best friend; I think it still is for my mom.  My mom likes to be on the couch.  It is where you can always find her if she isn?t shopping in the stores.  With me it is in my bedroom.  I always thought that once I grew up and had my own place, that I would then be in my living room too.  But that is not the case, I always liked being in the house when no one was there and when my mom took long trips.  I would be glad when I got to stay home.  I loved to go all over the house and clean pretending it was mine.  Most kids if they had a place to themselves they would have friends over and eat everything.  Trash the house and then hurry up and clean it as fast as they could before their parents got home.  Not me I saw it as an opportunity to show my mom how responsible and reliable I was.  I spent the time cleaning things that didn?t normally get done.  Dusting books, the baseboard along the wall.  One summer I spent it cleaning the basement.  It was an awesome opportunity to go out of my way to please my mom.  To make my mom happy and even if she never noticed it was my little secret.  That was good enough for me.  But there was someone else I was pleasing.  Someone who I had never met, someone I never knew growing up.  I wanted to be the best daughter I could be so he would regret not having known me.  To prove to everyone I did deserve to be here, including myself.  So I avoided any chance of doing something going wrong, of something going wrong.  I avoided most people.  I never smoked never took drugs and I avoided guys all together.  Everyone knew I never said a bad word.  I never changed schools so that made it easier.  When I walked into a room and if they were saying a dirty joke, the kids would stop.  They respected me and they looked up to me.  It was almost as thought I were a saint to them.  That said, anything is possible and that there are such things as good girls.

My mom always said; don?t ever tell anyone what you are thinking.  Once you tell people about yourself then they will know how to hurt you.  They will never be able to hurt you if you keep it all in your head.  Once you tell people about yourself.  Then they will know how to use it against you and hurt you.  It was almost as though she was convincing herself of this as much as me.  She was talking from experience and I could hear and feel her pain.  I wished I could take all that pain away and tell her everything would be okay.  So the least I could do was show her that I believed in her and do just what she said.  Another time another day she told me everyone will hurt you!  Everyone that you care about eventually hurts you!  Why is that?  I believe it is because they don?t know any better.  They don?t realize they are doing it.  I believe that everyone wants the same thing, but are too afraid to get it.  It is the very thing that can hurt them the most.  So they end up hurting others, which hurts them selves because they do the very thing that they don?t want to do, or have happen to them.  So they end up being afraid of themselves as much as everyone else around them.  Caring and loving other people can be very scary.  It makes you vulnerable to them.  I am no different then anyone else.  I just realize the potential before it happens instead of after.  That makes everyone afraid of me for different reasons.  Their afraid I am not real or that I will ruin what they learn about me.  That I can?t be that good, they can?t believe that I would avoid doing something that I want to do.  If it means hurting someone, it is hard to believe I wouldn?t date someone or be with someone that I would like to be with.  They couldn?t believe that I wouldn?t be with someone solely because someone else wouldn?t like it or couldn?t handle it. My mom being at the top of the list, I know the power of sex and what it has over people.  I learned it at a very early age.  It is how I was brought into this world, but unlike everyone else it was ugly.  I was told so long before I should have, before I could understand it.  Before I really understood what it meant.  I could never hurt someone like that, because I know how much long term damage it can do.  I didn?t experience first hand but I am the re-precaution of it.  I am loved by my mother she loves me very much, but I am also a constant reminder of the pain he caused her.  The total rejection and callous way people can be.  To totally not care of another human beings feelings, to totally think of only yourself, what you want without any thought to someone else?s feelings or needs.  I know how powerful words are and how much words can hurt.  So I avoid guys, that way they couldn?t hurt me or use me.  I got close to no one that way no one could hurt me, the way they hurt my mother.  More importantly I wouldn?t hurt any one else either.  I wonder how many people know what it is like to live in constant fear, to the point that they avoid people all together or as much as possible.  Without really knowing why it is not like you think about it all the time.  You do it without thinking it just becomes second nature.  You can?t think about it all the time you would loose your mind if you did.  He didn?t want you he hated kid?s, he gave me money for an abortion and then left.  Why would you want to know someone like that?  I wasn?t supposed to be here I was not born in love.  I was born in pure lust, selfishness, and thoughtlessness.  Not out of love that two people had for one another.  It was all selfish desires thinking only of what one wanted.  With no thought or care to anyone else, or the re-precautions of their actions.  I think she saw him as a ticket out of a bad situation, of a life she hated.  Then she found out he did not love her.  That he just used her.  How does one get like that?  So care free and totally without care of anyone else?  How does one do that?  It is a cruel world that we live in.  People are cruel to one another and they don?t even realize the damage they do or how deep the pain is or that it lasts a life time, or how many people they effect.  People?s attitude seems to be I will hurt you before you hurt me.  I put myself before everyone else because no one else will.  How do you fight that?  You don?t, you take care of yourself.  What if you feel like you don?t belong here?  What if you feel like you should have never been born in the first place?  Then you don?t feel you have a right to put yourself first.  I feel like I constantly have to prove that I deserve to be here.  I feel like I always have to prove that I am a good enough daughter to be here.  That I deserve to take up the space I take on this earth.  I am in this house and if I wasn?t someone else would be.  Someone more deserving than I am.  I have this job and if I didn?t someone else more deserving would.  I don?t deserve to think like other people.  Like thinking it is not okay to put myself before anyone else, nor would I want to.  It hurts people to much to put what you want before all else.

It hurts people to much to put what you want before all else.

My joy and happiness comes from pleasing others.  I am a good person who deserves to live.  I try to prove that every single day.  I was a good girl a girl that any man would love to call their own.  But you didn?t get to do that, you gave it all up.  You turned it down and wished me dead, before I ever had a chance at life.  I think anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad.  I am special because my dad chose me.  He didn?t have to adopt me he chose to do that.  I wanted to be a child that he could be proud of, proud to call his own.  That is the best gift I could think to give him for choosing me.  What else did I have to give him?

Yes I know about sub safety, it is one of many reasons why I liked being married.  Why I liked having my girls here, why I like having a room mate.  Most left me alone and stuck to just talking because, "oh you are married."  I never told them the arrangement I had with my husband.  I liked getting to know them with them having the idea we could never meet.  When he left I had my girls, "no sorry I have my girls here."  "No sorry you can't come here I have girls."  Now it is my room mate.  I like that most guys do not want to come here because there is another woman here.  I liked that she was here when one of the guys came here, less happened because she was here.  I liked that she went with me the first time I met the trucker.  My mother lectured me about men my whole life to the point that I am afraid of meeting men.  That is the last thing I need right now.  I am well aware of the horror stories.  I can't live in fear my whole life because of stupid decisions other woman make out of desperation. 

We can talk about anything, you can ask me anything.  But asking me if I am a slave or sub does not tell you anything in my opinion.  You have to draw your own conclusion.  Just as I have to come to my own conclusion based on what you write in your journal and say.  Do not try to convince me of something I can already see by your journal and that you have said in conversation.  Stop trying so hard and just talk to me.  It is like a guy who wanted to convince me he could be a Dom and do the things my husband wouldn't.  I already assume you can do that or you wouldn't be here.  I would question more on if you would do it to hard than if you could do it at all.  Men have got to stop being insecure.  I will never lash out at you or try to get even because you are not interested in me or because you made me mad.  Stating that does nothing.  I have to prove that.  How I talk about my husband and Master of ten years should tell you that.  If I was going to don't you think I would be with them?  But no I have good things to say about both of them.  I am stating the truth about both of them.  I can't help that the truth means my husband is an ass and I have to state that to feel I am being heard and understood.  But do the same thing he is?  Stoop to his level?  I am not a vindictive person.  That is what I feel my journal tells you.  Some things don't have to be stated.  Some things should be seen and known by what is written and not written not what is stated or not stated.  Yes I can state to you and everyone else I am not a vindictive person.  Do you think a vindictive person would say oh yes you treat me like shit and I will do everything I can to ruin your world.  No they are not going to say that.  In fact I bet most of them would think they are not like that even though an ex could tell you otherwise.  So why say I am not a vindictive person?  You have to see that for yourself.  I have to prove that about myself.  That is what I like about the journal.  You can tell that not because I tell you I am not a vindictive person, but because you can see that by how I talk about people.  I assume people can do this because I can.  I assume people can read people by what they say how they say it and the context.  I know from others that most people may not be able to do this.  That is why so many get hurt, in my opinion.  I like asking about ex girl friends for many reasons.  Some of those reasons most would not even think about.  You can learn allot about a person by hearing about past relationships.  Not just what they like or don't like but things that are unspoken as well.  Jealousy gets in the way for a lot of people to learn a lot of things about prospective people they might want to be with.  I am very analytical I am very detailed oriented.  I try to figure out what other people are thinking, so I know what to say about what they say.  I learn about you not just by what you tell me.  I learn about you through your journal and even by how you look in your pictures.  The expression on your face and the surroundings in your picture, I have had guys tell me how they have a lot of money.  Yet when you look at their picture they have a broken dresser and clutter.  It is interesting how dumb people can be and assume others to be.  Yet I say nothing about what I know to be true and still talk to him.  Why?  Because I am a nice person and interested in people and learning about people.  I like learning about people.  Why they act the way they do.  I wish I could educate most.  So the world would be a better place to live.  People need to stop jumping to conclusions about other people, I will tell you that much.  It is interesting how one can read one journal entry and jump to conclusions or one statement can be made and that person never wants to speak to you again; when just minutes ago they couldn?t wait to meet you. 

Sex from behind?..

When I first learned about bdsm it was not a Master sub relationship.  It was just him telling me what to do and seeing if I would do it.  It then evolved into something more.  I remember the first time he talked about taking me from the back door.  I was first in shock that he would even consider it much less want to.  After the initial shock wore off I thought okay this is easily resolved.  Being the good Jehovah?s Witness that I was, I went and got my bible to show him all the scriptures that showed it was wrong.  I showed him the scripture 1 Timothy 1:9-11 Law is promulgated, not for a righteous man, but for persons lawless and unruly, ungodly sinners, fornicators, men who lie with males, and whatever other thing is in opposition to the healthful teaching according to the glorious good news of the happy God.  I told him of Genesis where it talked of Sodom.  I told him of Romans 1:24-27 Where it says God, in keeping with the desires of their hearts, gave them up to uncleanness, that their bodies might be dishonored among them? gave them up to disgraceful sexual appetites, for both their females changed the natural use of themselves into one contrary to nature; and likewise even the males left the natural use of the female and became violently inflamed in their lust toward one another, males with males, working what is obscene and receiving in themselves the full recompense, which was due for their error.  I was very proud of myself.  One that I was able to find the scriptures and two find them so quickly, I am even impressed now that it took me a short time to find them again.  And they say you forget that shit if you don?t go on a regular basis.  I only wish that were true.  Anyways, I sat waiting for his reply thinking this whole idea of the back door was resolved.  He types back, ?Interesting.?  I thought to myself yes exactly of course.  He then types back, ?But I am still going to fuck you in your ass.?  My mouth drops open and I think what?  No wait that was not suppose to be his response, what went wrong here?  Why on earth does he want to do that for any ways?  Maybe I need more scriptures.  He types back chuckles.  He always typed that.  That is when I realized the amount of time that had passed where I didn?t say anything.  Dag nap it, I didn?t cuss back then lol.  I was so frustrated I so wanted to please him, but at that time pleasing him was interfering with how I felt about pleasing God.  It was a real dilemma for me at that time.  I was on my way out of the organization at that time.  Doing a great deal of research on the Jehovah?s Witnesses, finding that if some of what they were teaching was not true than how much more was not true.  I now see the bible as very outdated.  He loved to tell me what to do sexually, basically taught me how to masturbate. Which was also consider wrong in the organizations eyes.  I was so clueless back then.  Hard to believe how far I have come since then.  He could tell by my breathing how close I was to cumming.  When ever I was close to cumming he would then say, ?I am going to fuck you in your ass.?  I would get so angry with him because then I couldn?t cum.  I said why do you do that?  I know why he did it and it worked in spite of my knowing why.  Gawd I am so abstinent.  I was determined to hold to my guns on this one.  I was not going to let it get to me.  I eventually got to where I would cum in spite of what he said.  That was his intent and I knew that too.  It was at least another year before I met him in person.  During that time he enjoyed amusing himself with his innuendos of taking me from behind.  Eventually he told me to buy a dildo for it.  I said there are those just for that?  He said yes, I said who thinks up this stuff?  Then actually make it and who buys this?  He said you do and laughs.  I smirked and just shook my head.  I so didn?t want things to end with him which I was afraid it would if I didn?t do as he wished.  I learned so much about my self when I was with him and enjoyed the attention and for once in my life had someone to please that not only enjoyed my trying to please him but found ways to please him, with his creative mind.  I always wondered what outlandish thing he would think up next that he would want me to do.  It was a simpler time where I didn?t worry about anything except getting my girls to school, the laundry done and the dishes washed, and the bathrooms cleaned.  Not if I would have food to eat or a place to live.  When we finally met he did not take me from behind.  It was many visits after that.  The first time was a terrible experience.  I don?t know why, but most everything he had me do the first time was not enjoyable.  He seemed to like it that way.  I think to see if I would still come back, I don?t know.  Anyways at one point I had a whole week to spend with him.  My girls took a trip with my parents.  I would never leave them with my husband; he was never competent enough to keep his girls for a weekend much less a whole week.  He is proving that to be true even now.  I will just be glad when the attorney, judge and therapist can see that.  During that week he would gently touch me with his fingers there.  Every day through out the time we were together.  By the end of the week he was driving me crazy, which was his intent of course.  It was an experience I will never forget.  Nothing is like the first time.  Now when someone asks me what I think of that, I tell them I like it more than I like talking about it. 

What you should learn from this is one I am open minded.  Two how I was raised affects me and my thinking even today.  I am down to earth and some what old fashion but not to the point of being a prude.  My husband would never do anything like that.  My therapist says I intimidated him in the bedroom.  I guess this is an example of how.  I didn?t look at it like that though.  I looked at it more like personal preference than intimidation. 

I am really getting into these shows on mtv and cmt.  On mtv they had a show called a shot at love.  A woman who is suppose to love both men and woman and she tries to get to know both to find the one she wants.  There was this guy on it that now has his own show where woman are trying to get to know him to win his heart.  On cmt it is a group of people who are trying to prove they can sing country.  They are just to funny.  I think they should have one for bdsm.  That would be really cool.

I think it would be neat to have a room full of guys who have to win a girls heart.  Based on how they use a whip, hand and creativity.  You have to admit that would be cool show to watch.

Today I went to the zoo with the guy I met last night.  Then I came home to take a nap.  Was woken to be told I was suppose to work today.  I thought the Sunday was for next Sunday not this Sunday.  So I ran into work, just got off.  Have a few hours before I go to bed.  The zoo was nice, would have been nicer had I been able to go with my girls.  A part of me wishes I could walk away and forget I ever had girls.  Especially since they are doing a great deal of lying to the attorney and to the therapist, but then my heart gets in the way from doing that.  They are great girls just getting some really bad advice from shitty adults who are acting like brats; with their dad the leader of the pack.  I just hate that they won?t realize it until they find out they don?t have an education and need to depend on others for the rest of their life.

Well I was able to go out last night.  I met a real nice guy for dinner, he is a sub.  He has only been in Memphis for a week yet you would think he had been here for years.  I envy that about him.  His ability to find his way around with ease in a place he doesn?t know and without a GPS I might add.  We met on the square because I was not comfortable driving to Beale street.  It is so much easier for a guy.  They do not have to worry about a guy over taking them when walking down the street.  The strangest people come out at night.  I like the clothes that some of them wear and wonder what they wear during the day.  We saw this one guy with a Mohawk.  I can?t help but wonder what he does for a living that allows him to have his hair like that.  After we had pizza in a really old building with cool windows; we then went to another old building for drinks, music and watch more people.  Okay for me to watch more people, he watched me.  When we got there it were mostly blonds dancing at their chairs.  This one blond was singing away to material girl.  She fit that song to a T.  There were these two guys sitting at a table watching the fight on tv.  They looked so together, good looking, young and could careless about finding a girl.  No they were not gay.  I can?t help but wonder what these people did for a living what their life was really like.  I wondered what their problems consisted of.  Going out made me miss dancing.  This city does not really get started until midnight.  That is about the time I am ready to go home.  I hate that about this city.  When we left it was all brunettes and the blonds were gone.  I think that is weird.  I was home by 11 and actually slept through the night for the first time in over a year. 

Well I have spent a week with a guy. I listened while he talked to his ex-wife. He is much sweeter than I think he would like people to know. He fixed my dryer by hitting?two fuse?switches on my circuit breaker. He replaced most of my light bulbs that are more energy efficient and?he fixed another circuit breaker that fixed?my dishwasher so that?now works as well.? He also put in a more energy efficient thermostat. He?then fixed the fuse in my car so my cigarette lighter works now as well. Not that I smoke, but there is always something you want to plug in, for example a phone charger. He basically fixed the little things around the house that most woman take for granted that the man of the house does. He has two medical cards that he must update every two years stating he has nothing.  I really liked seeing that. He talks of rape a lot, but nothing like that in person. He would make for a great fantasy rape if you are into that kind of thing. He does talk of raping woman; just enough to make you wonder if he has or not. He likes it fast and hard which is great if it has been forever since you have had sex. He certainly has potential. Just going to have to work on him having a sensual side, slow and seductive is nice once in awhile too. I look forward to seeing him again and hope he has a flogger with him then. I think I am going to have to find some good erotic sex tapes. Any good suggestions? Ones where he seduces a woman not fucks her. There is a difference guys.

I don?t know if people do not comprehend what they read or if they read half and then assume the rest or what the problem is.  One I am NOT a Jehovah?s Witness that WAS 12 years ago.  That is a very long time ago.  I was 30 when I stopped being a witness.  I am now 42 and NOT a witness.  I have gone to church, but don?t feel the need to go.  I studied most of my life.  They have five meetings a week and when you are not going to a meeting you are looking up scriptures to prepare for a meeting.  I did that from the time I was 9 till I was 30.  I do NOT now. 

Second my husband did NOT make me feel guilty.  I made myself feel guilty.  If I did not have sex with him and too much time went by I felt guilty about that.  Not him ME, I did that to my self.  That is why I have no desire to be with a dominant man who can insist on it or force it.  That was the one part I hated about our marriage.  That he did not give me the desire to want to have sex with him.  He felt I should be like a guy and just want to with no stimulation or effort on his part.  I find that that is what a lot of guys on here think as well.  You will because I am the Dom and you are the sub there fore if I want it you will do it and I do not have to do anything on my part for you to want it. 

As a Jehovah?s Witness you study out of a book called the family book and it talks about giving your husband his due.  In other wards it is your wifely duty to have sex with your husband.  Now because my husband grew up hearing these bible study discussion and because they had talks on Sunday mornings about it he took that to mean woman have sex because they have to not because they want to.  After we were married for a year is when he told me he didn?t think women liked sex; that they only had sex because they had to.  I was a little irritated at first until I tried to figure out why he thought that.  That is when I remembered the talks on the subject.  Then it made sense.  My husband is naïve, gullible, not intuitive at all, and very sheltered.  He has no clue what most of you have come to find out over the years.  That what he is looking to get is the left over?s the woman no one wants.  For what ever reason.  He also has no scruples.  The last two women he has wanted, both of them have been married.  The first one that has given him the arrogance to believe he can have any woman he wants went back to her husband.  The woman he deny?s wanting now is also getting a divorce.  He has been very protected and as long as the woman he is seeing now enjoys his attention.  He will continue to not know what it is like to try and find someone.  He dated a girl when he was 18 and she was 14 until she was a senior.  He touched her vagina with her pants on once.  He never saw it.  Then he was alone for a year and then he met me.  He was only with me for the next nine years.  At that point he started having sex with his secretary then asked me to find us couples.  That is it for his experience.  There is not a Dominant bone in my husband?s body, NONE not even a little.  He is an immature child who never grew up and never took his responsibility as a husband, father and caregiver seriously.  And as long as he has this woman pitying him and feeling sorry for him and saying poor baby he will continue to be in denial of what he has lost.  Having his girls want to live with him and being convinced that I am a terrible mother and person allows him to continue to be in denial as well. 

I really hope this clears it up for you guys.  If not continue to make comments and ask questions that lets me know you still don?t get what you are reading and I will find another way to put it again. 

Guys really need to start being more understanding to a woman.  Just because you are in love with us doesn?t mean you should assume we are in love with you. Let me put it this way if you have to ask us to kiss you or ask us to give you a hug and ask us to hug you harder.  That should be a sign that maybe we are not feeling it the way you are.  That doesn?t mean we won?t feel the same way over time, but it is wrong of you to assume we do now.  Let me reiterate what I have said in the past.  Just because we like bdsm and we like pain doesn?t mean you can go head first doing what ever the hell you want as strong handed as you want.  You have to take into consideration how long it has been since she has done anything bdsm wise.  You have no idea how hard I would want something just because you know I like it.  That means you still have to go slow and build up.  I will restate this as well just because I say I like my hair pulled does not mean I want you to grab hold of it and go nuts.  I want to have hair when I am 65 as well, not just for the next ten years.  Do not assume I want to go down on you just because that is what you want, especially on a first date.  Don?t assume that just because I am interested in the lifestyle that I am okay with having no say in what I do when.  I have enough guilt on myself.  The last thing I want is to be with a guy who now can demand what I felt guilty about not wanting to do with my husband.  That is going from bad to worse.  Now instead of feeling guilty about not doing something, I am demanded to do it?  No thanks.  That is not to say that I wouldn?t be willing to do what ever a guy wants when ever he wants when I find that right guy.  I know I was willing and felt that way with my Master of ten years.  Of course I only saw him real time once a year.  So I don?t know if I could 24/7 or not.  That depends on how intuitive he is.  I know my Master could read me like a book. He could tell by the tone of my voice what I needed when.  That is what I am looking for.  Is a guy that can read a woman to get what he wants.  Not get what he wants just because he is the guy. 

This is exactly why I don't like guys to ask me what I like.  I find most guys can not handle knowing what you like.  They are then heavy handed and assume to much.

I can?t believe how some people start conversations.  I want to collar you, you will be mine, I will own you, I am looking for someone who will let me do what ever the hell I want to.  Then not even have a picture.  It is obvious they have not seen my profile or read any of my journal.  They just take it for granted than I am a slut who will sleep with the first guy who will give me the time of day and then any guy there after.  I can be discreet implies they don?t care if they are married.  They brag about how they can bring you to orgasm and keep you there for hours.  This means after this poor woman gets attached to you and realizes there is more to life than the every day grime.  She then decides to leave her husband and he couldn?t give her the time of day because she doesn?t read between the lines where he says he doesn?t want to be bothered by your problems.  That is also part of a relationship.  He is clearly just looking for a fuck not a relationship.  You know these guys couldn?t give a damn if they have children or not and how it would devastate that family.  The whole thing just disgusts me.  I could just scream at how irresponsible men and woman for that matter can be.   

Then there is my husband who says how easy it is to replace him and find someone else.  Hoping to force me to be with someone by threatening not to have to give me the money I need to live on.  Taking my girls and convincing them not to want anything to do with me.  He throws me to wolves and couldn?t careless what happens to me.  Then I read how you don?t care what is going on in my life?  Then I am supposed to want to have sex with you?  Oh because you brag about what a great lover you are.  Hate to break it to you guys but there is more to a relationship than sex.  Then guys wonder why woman like me are afraid to get close to anyone.

I only remember one Valentines that my husband and I celebrated.  When we first got married we were still Jehovah?s Witness?s.  When we were not witnesses we didn?t have the money.  Well we never had the money to be honest.  The one year we did my girls were just a giggling.  They couldn?t wait for me to open the present that was wrapped for me.  I unwrap it to find a chain and lock.  I said a chain and lock?  Honey you shouldn?t have.  The girls just laughed and giggled some more and said that isn?t it.  There is more.  There is more? Really I can hardly wait.  They then excitedly said it is in the bathroom.  Really the rest of my valentines present is in the bathroom.  I look at him and he has no expression at all.  We then walk to the bathroom and they open the door to reveal a bike.  I turn to him and said honey is there something you are trying to tell me?  He said no.  Then the girls said now we all have a bike and can go bike riding.  I said oh okay.  I cooked dinner and it wasn?t much different from any other night other than that.  The girls enjoyed it though.  All the bikes are gone now.  They were not very good and broke.  My youngest is the only one that still has a bike.  He has replaced hers.

And that is my only valentine story.

There is lots of ways to get an endorphin, serotonin and adrenalin rush besides through pain.  A great deal of Dom?s I think do it through working out.  There is also shopping and chocolate.  I also think some people use food to do it.  To be honest I think wanting pain runs in my family.  When my girls were little my mother talked of grandparents rights and talked of taking my girls.  We didn?t see her for a very long time.  I went to the assembly one time knowing she would be there for her to see the girls.  I saw her before she saw me.  She was cringing when she walked from her arthritis in her knee and was using a cane to walk.  When she saw my girls she picked up my youngest dropping her cane and walked to her chair with a big smile on her face.  Her girl friend laughed and said it is a miracle she is cured.  I told her not to give my mother a hard time because the pain she felt was very real even if some of it was mental.  Just as when I was a little girl and was to sick to go to school and threw up when she yelled at me for it.  The brain is an amazing thing not to be under estimated.

Okay bdsm stories that really happen to me.

Had a guy once that blind folded me and took me to the kitchen.  He then broke a glass on the floor.  I heard it shatter.  He cussed and then I heard what I thought was him cleaning it up.  Then he told me to walk across the kitchen floor. I was bare foot.  I felt the broken glass on the floor beneath my feet.  He was impressed that I did what I was told without hesitation.  He then took the blind fold off to find it was cereal on the floor that I walked on not glass. 

Another time I was in a hotel room.  I had been with him many times before.  He walked me around the room with a blind fold on.  We had done a lot but I had a fair understanding of the lay out of the room.  All the same where I thought I was, was not where I really was.  He leaned me back where I thought was in between two beds.  So when he leaned me back I grabbed hold of him to keep from falling.  The thing is it didn?t do me any good because he went with me.  So I screamed really loud thinking I was about to hit the floor on my back.  We both ended up on the bed and he asked what was wrong with me.  I felt ridiculous, we both laughed.

This same guy was very sadistic.  He loved to cause me pain.  One evening he decided to do something different.  I of course did not know this.  So I keep waiting for the ball to drop.  I just know there is going to be pain.  Instead I feel feathers.  Every time I cringe it is something sweet that he does.  He was planning a romantic intimate moment very different from any other.  Instead I start to giggle.  Finally I can?t hold it back any more and I just start laughing.  He is then irritated, stops what he is doing, takes off the blind fold and says, ?WHAT!!?  I then laugh harder and said, ?I keep waiting for you to do something mean and you don?t, so I figure okay he is going to kill me with kindness.?  I know he started to smile and didn?t want me to see him.   

Ah fond memories of days gone by.

This question has been asked more times than I can count.  The one question I hate the most.  I don't know why I hate it, but I do.  So, I am going to try and explain it here in a way that I hope satisfies most if not all of you.

WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR IN A MAN:  


I want a husband, a man who does not need guilt to get what he wants in the bedroom.  I do not want a guy who is going to demand sex but knows how to work for it to get what he wants.  I want a guy with confidence, a guy who not only knows what he wants and how to get it but not afraid to go after it.  Who enjoys fucking with a girls head to get what he wants not just demand what he wants because he is the Dom.  Makes even getting in the mood for sex fun.  I want a guy who can take the lead.  What I mean is if we do decide to meet he can state when and where with no problem.  Something you guys do not understand.  If you are going to be the one to pay for dinner I do not think it is appropriate for me to say where to eat.  I do not know your financial situation.  If I say some place really cheap that could offend you just as stating someplace more expensive could.  Depending on your financial situation.  A guy that understands a woman.  Someone who understands the dynamics of bdsm.  What it does to a woman.  The excitement of the unknown of not knowing what is going to happen next.  I want a man who is not looking for a woman just to full fill his sexual needs.  A man who wants all of a woman not just her ability to get him off at his command.  One who appreciates the fact that she has needs as well as most likely a lot more complicated than yours.  One who does not mind this fact in fact finds it interesting and a challenge in its own right.  I refuse to state the standard that everyone puts in their profiles.  Those things go without saying.  I also want someone who understands how pain and pleasure works on the mind.  The dynamics of it.  Here is some of what I can explain: Pain can release endorphins, serotonin and adrenalin from the brain. That can give you a chemical high from that which your own brain creates, putting you in a head space. The Dominant can get a similar experience from what he does as well, because he is so in tune with what he is doing and her reaction to it. That is the clinical description of what it can do.  
Mixing pain with something that feels really good can be a distraction. If you continue the pain your brain will want to concentrate on what feels good to withstand what is not feeling good. You do this long enough and your brain will no longer know if it feels good or bad. That could be the physical description.  Another example would be guys driving down the road while having a girl go down on him.  You have to concentrate on driving.  That means when you finally do cum it is much harder than if you were able to just lie in bed and enjoy what was being done.  
Then there is the mental description. People can want pain for many different reasons. Some like it to block out everything going on in their life at that time. Others do it to forget the past. One book I read described it this way. If she swims far out into the ocean and swims back it can get hard. She is then putting all her thought into surviving and can erase everything else bad that is going on in her life. Others do it because it is a safe way to feel emotionally. If you are a very companionate person and you look at all the bad in the world it can be very overwhelming. So they choose to shut down shut it off. You still have to deal with those feelings you block out or it would come out in a worse way. Add pain to the equation and you can then feel that emotion with an end insight. When the pain stops or heals.  You can then attach your emotional pain to the physical pain, heal while your physical pain heals.  I think a great deal of people who have been emotionally abused do this whether they realize it or not.

This is an entry from my private journal. I am trying to figure out how to explain why I have such problem with this whole idea of training and disciplining and all these Doms who take this attitude so seriously.

Arguing about if I really want to please or not

I remember after a therapy meeting my mom arguing about whether or not I liked to please or not. It was one of the stupidest arguments we had had yet. You might have them fooled but your not fooling me she said, I know you don?t like to please me or want to please me your just saying all that to get attention. Yeah mom okay, you are right it?s just to get attention, from you or them? I was curious as to what the answer was. Don?t you patronize me little girl. That is exactly what I am talking about total disrespect. Any other mother would be thrilled that their daughter wants to please their mother but not my mom noooo that is just not acceptable. But I knew that wasn?t true or why would I spend all my time in my room? I would much rather spend my time in my room than be around my mom. It was to much work to be around her and other people. I hated going to therapy and having to talk about myself and our problems. I couldn?t wait until the nightmare ended and we could go on the way we did. Once I found out for sure that my mom really did prefer me to be in my room and not with her all the time. I was glad to go to my room. If I was trying to please her to get attention, I wouldn?t have done that. I would have been with her no matter what. But I didn?t because I knew that didn?t make her happy and it didn?t make me happy either. The more they knew the more I hated telling them, because they said it was wrong. I knew it was only because they didn?t know or understand us or give me credit. They just couldn?t believe that I understood my mother in the depth that I did. I think sometimes that I understand my mother better than my mother understands herself. 

There is a reason it upsets her, because she is jealous. I do it better than she did. It is because that is all she ever wanted to do as well, which was to please her mother. Her mother wouldn?t allow it either. She just couldn?t believe her daughter wanted to do the right thing. You tell a child they are going to be bad enough times sooner or later they will. If you convince them that they don?t want to be good they will eventually get the message and not be. That is what happened to my mom. Her mom loved little kids and she loved to spoil them. To the point of no balance, and then when they got in their teens she didn?t want anything more to do with them. They were brats who got into trouble. All teenagers are brats she would say. Well of course they became brats, if you don?t discipline them when they are little. What do you expect? My mom was not like her mom. She was strict right from the beginning. She wanted me to be a good person. She knew that if I was going to be. She had to expect me to tow the line and do what I was told. She also showed the same love as her mother had for her when she was little. I think my mom did it ten times better than her mom. She also disciplined me as well with love. What she didn?t understand is once that was instilled in me as a child. It would carry through as I got older and into my teens. She felt in order to be a good mom she had to be hard on me the whole time especially in my teens. By then who you are going to be is already decided and at that point you have to hope that you have instilled the right values and moral in your child. To do the right thing and then it is just positive reinforcement and advice.

By the time I was a teenager I had already decided I wanted to be a good person regardless of how she treated me. Who I was going to be was already mapped out and she needed to trust my instincts, my judgment. She always thought only she knew right from wrong, because she had been hurt and I hadn?t. But I didn?t have to go through what she did to learn from her mistakes. She didn?t understand that, no matter how hard and how many different ways I tried to explain that to her. I will admit she did make it hard to be good when she was always treating me like I was going to be bad. I didn?t want to hurt her like everyone else did. She wanted me because she knew children love their parents no matter what.

My mom can come up with a hundred reasons why or how I didn?t please her. I could come up with a hundred more on how I did. She said; ?I was disrespectful because I talked back. Well if she didn?t come up with the most ridiculous reasons to be mad at me for. I wouldn?t have to talk back or argue with her. I think she did that because I didn?t give her enough real reasons to discipline me for. I can?t count how many times I told her that; ?It is like your looking for reasons to be mad at me mom.? I remember I had a favorite red valor shirt. I had patch work on the top but my mom said; ?red is the color of prostitutes.? So I couldn?t wear it for picture day at school. Oh I could wear it any other day of the year. Just not for pictures. I might win the battles but my mom always won the war. So every year for school pictures we would have a big argument as to whether or not I could wear my red shirt or not. In the end guess who always won. I eventually got sick of it and used it as an example of how she always got her way in the end. But I don?t want to please her. Even when I knew it was a dumb reason why I couldn?t. For that reason I got to wear that shirt the last year that I could. I had to put a white button shirt on underneath because the sleeves were so short on me by then. My mom would say; ?you don?t forget anything do you or let me live it down. On what a bad and horrible mother you have?? That may be how she see?s it. That is not how I saw it. Her reason for not being allowed to wear that shirt might have been wrong and silly. But her heart was in the right place. This is why I didn?t wear it even though it meant a lot to me to wear it. She cared about me and how I looked to other people. She wanted me to have the respect she never got. So I always gave in to her because it made her happy and that made me happy.

The social workers had good intensions, but they can?t say word for word everything that I said. So they made it sound like I was complaining about my mom. That is how my mom took it. Even though I told her that was not the case. By the time the doctors realized the problem. The damage was already done and she wasn?t going to listen to them any more. They hurt her feelings just like everyone else had. What is worse they damaged our relationship too. My mom now thinks I am hurting her as well by talking bad about her again. So just like when I was in kindergarten, my mom is getting in trouble for trying to be a good mom. I am getting in trouble for wanting to please her and be a good daughter.

Well I got a letter from my husband?s attorney.  He says court is not until June 6.  That means I pay child support for two kids when he only has one.  It also means I pay child support based on me working 35 hours a week as court ordered when I am only getting 20 hours a week of work.  That I pay for child support based on 10 dollars an hour when I am only getting 7 dollars an hour.  The first thing you think is that he will have to pay all that back.  Well when all of this was set up he didn?t pay what he was court ordered to pay me for the first two months it was ordered.  How am I supposed to get back pay for this?  When I can?t get back pay for those two months?  I call in to work every day asking if they need extra help in hope of more hours.  Life is getting interesting to say the least.

My first week working at Kroger

 
Well it is my first week working at Kroger. I am learning the keys and the lingo. For instance you can not say food stamps you have to call it ebt or something like that. No one knows what it stands for, but that is what you have to call it. I click on the key for it and then the next key that I was told to click. Nothing happens, so for awhile I would call someone over to do it. They do it so fast that I can?t make out what they did which just makes me have to call them over again the next time. You would think they would figure out that they might need to do it slower and show me what the hell they are doing, but most of the time someone else is there to show me the next time. That means no one is showing me. I finally figured out that there are two ebt keys and I was hitting the wrong one. I figured out a way to get it to work it doesn?t look right, but it makes it work, so until someone tells me I am doing it wrong that is my story and I am sticking to it. The register they like to put me on is the one for 15 items or less. I like that one too. The problem is the meat scanner thingie doesn?t work. After you scan the meat you are to put it over this other thing that keeps the beeping thing from going off when they go past it so no one thinks they stole it. I don?t know if the supervisors forget or just not paying attention, but when I let the customer know that the scanners will go off when they leave and to let them know mine doesn?t work. The supervisor?s questions me and I have to let them know there is a hole there and nothing plugged in. Fun fun. Being new I have quite a few problems on a regular basis, so this one woman made the mistake of showing me the telephone and how to announce that I need help. Oh boy it was on then. I was on that thing all day long. Customer assistance needed on isle one, customer assistance needed on isle one. (Saying assistance needed doesn?t work near as well as customer needs assistance.) Like I said you have to learn the lingo and what works. Now if this isn?t bad enough the supervisor who is usually on my shift is hard of hearing. Add that to he doesn?t have a clue how to use the register and never been a cashier. Well you have just thrown a wrench in an already crippled wheel. That makes for no dull moments when I am at work. Everyone knows I am there muahahhaa. Then I found out you should not say isle but register. Isle refers to an isle in the store not the isle I am working at. This one woman comes over and she politely says, ?Are you the one that keeps saying customer needs assistance on isle one?? I said, ?Yes.? She says, ?Could you please say register one instead of isle one because every time you say that we rush over to isle one and no one is there needing help.? I couldn?t help but laugh I apologized profusely and said I would make a note of that in the future and she thanked me. I can just see it now. I have people all over the store racing here and there to find out where I am and who this phantom customer is that needs help. You have to admit it is pretty funny. So far I like my job and the customers. Mainly because they are always leaving, so if they are in a bad mood it is okay they are on their way out the door and usually just as much in a hurry to go as I am for them to go. As far as other employees go well they are to busy to be a problem either. I love giving the customers a hard time too. I had this one couple there and they were kissing I went off and said oh no we don?t allow any of that in here. He said he liked my spunkiness. Most of the times when a customer is mad it is at another customer not me, usually because they want a price check or heaven forbid they didn?t get the right wic item that is allowed by the govt. That means waiting for someone to go get the right item or check the price. It never fails that the person who goes doesn?t have a clue either. Add that to them being old and slow or they have a limp. That makes them the slowest and worse person to be sent to get the right item or price check. By the time they get back everyone is cranky. I am just glad they feel they should blame the customer and not me. Personally I think the person who went slower than malaises should be getting the slack, but that is just me. I always thank them for being understanding and let them know what a trooper they have been through the ordeal. Basically talk to them like I would my own kids and it seems to be working pretty good for me. If I still feel tension is building I compliment them on how good they look or compliment them on some personal apparel they have or I will talk to them about the weather. I might ask them where their Kroger plus card is that always seems to keep them busy for a bit. Even though they know they will have to get it out sooner or later anyways. Always glad when it is a guy or a guy there to. I can always think of something to say to give them a hard time. I like that I can flirt because it will keep the customer coming back and I know they are leaving. Never a dull moment and it is a nice distraction from the chaos going on in my life. They have no idea.

ebt stand for electronic balance transfer.

My husband has done all he could to financially devastate me.  The problem is I am much better at handling money than he is.  He always kept the girls and I without money through out the entire marriage.  He can not budget if his life depended on it.  Sadly it is his girls that depended on it.  He told our girls about our sex life and how we lived, so they would not want anything to do with me. 

The two women who are sisters found out how much my husband made and just assumed he had a ton of money.  Not knowing about his bills.  I knew he had a lot of bills I didn?t know what those bills were but I knew there was a few of them.  He was living with a guy though so I knew that meant he didn?t have the bills I did.  That meant our bills came out pretty even.  The problem is these two women had been unaware of his bills.  Like a little kid all they knew is that he made a lot of money, therefore; he should have a lot of money.  My husband wanting to impress one of the women because he had a crush on her since childhood, therefore; he used credit cards to compensate for what these two women thought he had.  He wanted her to think he really cared about his kids.  They knew he used a credit card to spend a thousand dollars on a camera for himself.  They knew he did this when his girls had gone without things for years.  Then wonder why I was so enraged at him for what he has been doing and how he had been acting.  Instead of taking this into consideration they instead felt sorry for him.  This worked in their favor for their own personal gain.  You see one of the women wanted my daughter so her son would marry her and give her grandchildren.  The other women wanted my other daughter and to play house with my husband.  When they realized my husband financial situation they thought okay will fix this.  They convinced my oldest to leave by telling her she could quit school to do home schooling.  They also told her that if she came and lived with her dad she could also spend the night at her boy friends house.  Who by the way she now lives with, she is now 18.  This caused a ripple effect.  I was not aware of his credit card debt.  I told one of the women that I didn?t think he could afford to buy all that he was buying.  She said oh no he makes tons of money he can more than afford it, so it didn?t make since to me why he would take his daughter to be home schooled and say she could sleep at her boy friends house.  Nothing made since to me for months after he took my oldest child.  Not until I saw his bills in court.  Not until after the confusion and fear for my girls and for myself caused me to be hospitalized and then forced to take drugs that made the situation worse.  I even told them it was not the right drugs for me, but what do I know it was just my head being fucked with not theirs.  Now he is talking about taking my youngest to the Middle East.  Once she is there she is going to feel isolated and alone.  He can then keep her without a computer and without knowledge of the phone number and no way to reach me.  He will stay away because he will not want to hear her complain and whine about wanting to go home.  That will make her even more isolated and alone.  Right now she is seeing moving there as one big adventure.  Not how it really is.  She has seen lots of baby pictures of herself when we lived there for a year when she was two weeks old.  That just reinforces how much fun she thinks she is going to have.  Not how it was day to day with nothing to watch and nothing to do.  He hates helping her with homework and everyone knows other countries are much more advance when it comes to education.  Add that to it being a private school and she will never make it.  Both my girls have needed extra help and teachers with extra training to get through their classes.  He is being selfish and thinking about his own financial situation not what is best for his kids.  The girl?s attorney has papers that state there is nothing wrong with me, but she says she is keeping this from the judge until the end when she turns in her final report.  The attorney I had told the judge that she doesn?t even know if I am seeing a therapist or have seen a psychiatrist.  She knows I have because my therapist had tried to call her for four weeks.  She also knew about the psychiatrist because I signed release papers for her to talk to her.  I am being set up, but I can?t say that because it makes me appear crazy.  That is why the judge could very well let him take her to the Middle East because she has a crazy mother in the courts eyes.  Once she is there she will not have a babysitting job or bowling to distract her from missing me and now her sister too.  I am very worried about what that kind of isolation is going to do to her emotionally.  Right now she has stomach ach and ulcers and now he is saying she also has acid reflux.  He refuses to see that it has anything to do with her not seeing me or what he has done to all of us.  It is tearing me up inside.  Then they wonder why I become so enraged at him.  How dare she be angry, this poor man he milks it for all it is worth.  I on the other hand have managed to pay off what few bills I had.  I still have a dental bill of 400 will pay it off soon.  Then I have a tooth that has needed to be worked on for over a year now.  Once that is done I will have no bills except the bills you can?t get out of rent, utilities, phone, basic cable, food, car and rental insurance.  Even with just the bare minimum I am barely making it.  I lost my good paying job and am now making half the money with half the hours at Kroger. 

It is not all about looks for me.  If it was I wouldn't have half the friends I do.  If I am physically attracted to someone I will be first to let you know.  If I am not I will just kindly thank you for letting me see what you look like because isn?t it nice to see who you are talking too?  I think everyone likes to know what the person they are talking to looks like.   Just because I am not physically attracted to you does not mean someone else won?t be.  Does that mean we can't be friends?  No.  We can still be friends, but I am not going to lead anyone on to think that I would marry them if I wouldn?t.  Physical attraction is just important to me as the next person.  If you feel that makes me a bad person or shallow because I want to be with someone I am physically attracted to then I guess I am a shallow person.  I don't doubt for one second that I would get half the messages I do if I weighed 300lbs.  I watch what I eat, I don't over eat, and I get enough sleep.  I didn't stay out late and up all night when I was teen.  I did all that so I would look good in my later years.  Yes I really did think about that as a teenager.  It is no accident that I look like I do.  We choose the life we live and we choose how we take care of our selves.  I know that if I want a good looking guy that I better damn well look half way decent as well to get him.  With that said I will reiterate that I don?t want a really skinny guy or a guy that has no neck.  A little stomach is good and weight proportionate is good too.  I like a guy with dark hair and I am a sucker for a mustache.  I am not crazy about beards or guys with long hair.  I also love a guy?s chest less hair the better.  With all this said I will say that if you now refuse to let me see a picture of you.  I am going to assume you are over weight and not good looking.  Does that mean I won?t be friends with you?  No, I will be friends with you, I just won?t consider you as a person I would believe I should consider spending the rest of my life with.  To be honest I think many of the guys I have been attracted to were surprised to find that I was.  I am not big on tattoos, so I will honestly say there has been a few I was attracted to, but they ruined it with tattoos.  I didn?t say that to them though.  I will also say there are exceptions to every rule.  I have wanted a guy who had a very hairy chest and I have been with a guy who has tattoos.  I will also say I hated them.  There is also a guy I am considering who has long hair.  It is just not my preference or first choice.  It just goes to show I am not a shallow person and a person?s mind matters more than looks.  It doesn?t make me a bad person if I don?t want to be with you.  To force me however to state that is mean.  I should be able to politely say thanks for the picture and leave it at that.  I should not be forced to say anything more than that.  If I think you are a good looking guy I will say so.  That doesn?t mean I would marry you though either so don?t go on an ego trip either.  There is a lot of guys that I think are good looking that doesn?t mean I would run off to be with them.  There is a lot more to a relationship than just physical attraction.  It is neither more nor less important than anything else to make a relationship work.

I have recently been told that I am a bully by expecting my husband to give me alimony after 20 years of marriage.  That alimony is only for woman who have been physically abused.  So if he doesn?t beat the shit out of me I should not get any money to have a place to live while I go to school.  The amount of money I am asking for is one dollar out of every four he makes.  I don?t understand how that makes me a bully.  If he stops giving me any money I would loose the apartment I am living in.  I think after 20 years of marriage doing all the house work, all the yard work, and all the cooking that I am asking too much, so I can go to school. I couldn?t even get him to take the garbage out.  It is not like I am getting a house out of the deal or nice furniture.  He didn?t make anything.  He waits until he wants a divorce and then goes out and gets a good paying job.  Then racks up credit cards to say, ?Your Honor I can?t afford to give her one cent because I have this credit card debt, car payment for this car I just bought, and rent for this more expensive apartment I just moved into.  Not to mention the irs debt I created while I was married to my wife pretending to know what I was doing running a company.?

I loved my job when I worked in a dental office for two dentists.  I worked in the back filing insurance claims, the person that was doing the job, just up and left. When I came in there, there was a huge stack of claims that had not been filed.  No one knew how to do it, so no one could train me.  I sat down and just started figuring it out.  Some of them had two insurance companies so that meant calling them.  There was dealing with parents that had separated and who were going to pay what.  Once I got all that straighten out and caught up I started looking around.  I found in the bottom drawer all these patients with balances, so I started calling them to see if I could collect on any of them.  I loved that part of my job the best.  One day the woman in the front who actually got the checks comes back yelling at me.  She comes in and says very angry, ?Why are we getting checks from people that we have not seen in here for months?!  I said, ?Well there were all these cards down here with balances so I started calling them to see if I could get them to pay.  She says oh?. okay and left.  I thought it was pretty funny.  Another time I was on the phone with someone letting them know they had a balance and was seeing if I could get them to pay, after I got off the phone one of the Dentist that was sitting in his office and over heard me talking asked me to come into his office.  He asks me what they said.  I told him they appreciated me letting them know they had a balance and didn?t know they did.  He didn?t say anything more so I asked him if there was a problem.  He said no, and then said, ?That was my mother-in-law.?  I said oh would you like me to call them back?  He said, ?No? and I said, ?Okay.?  I thought that was pretty funny too.  I loved my office job.

When I first met my husband he worked in Clark Tower.  Where I grew up I never went in an elevator.  We just didn?t have them.  The town I lived in had one building with an elevator in it.  It was the hospital and it had two floors so one button to choose from to push.  I went in that one, one time by myself.  Now if we drove a half hour away there were more buildings with elevators but I never went into those.  Except one time when I got my tonsils out, but my mom and doctors was there the whole time.  So when my husband expected me to go in this big building by myself I was scared.  I had been in it many times with him but never by myself.  All the floors look the same.  The same red carpet the same side walls.  I could just picture myself going in there and getting lost and never figuring out how to get out of it.  How do you know what floor you are on when all the floors look the same?  Now if I knew I could go in and it go exactly to the floor I pushed I would be fine, but to many times we would get on that thing together and it would stop at a different floor.  I would go to get off and he would say no not this floor, so how was I supposed to do that on my own?  He just had no clue my fear.  Now of course I can go into any elevator and realize there is some where that tells you the floor you are passing and the floor it stops on.  I also now know L does not stand for level but Lobby and B is for basement.  I have come a long way in that regard from 21.  I still get scared of the thought of the elevator getting stuck or getting on it with some guy and the elevator stop moving or the elevator free falling, but I have come a long way.  At least I will now get on one.

When I started seeing my therapist he suggested I go to college.  Just his suggestion terrified me.  I started crying saying how can I do that?  I don?t even know where it is and even if I did know where it was how am I going to go?  I have no money.  Even if I had the money how am I going to find the classes? heck I don?t even know where to go to register.  He said, ?okay okay bad idea we will talk about this again another time.?  Well it came up again and I freaked out again and he then said, ?I tell you what I will take you myself.?  Dead silence I didn?t say a word.  I am now thinking why he would be willing to do this.  You would leave the office to take me to the college?  You would go with me to the college?  Why would you do this?  Can you do that?  How can you do that?  I am thinking isn?t there some rule that we have to meet in his office?  He said we would just use the hour and go to the school.  Well at that point I realized that this was some how a big deal to him.  This was like really important to him that I go to school.  Why he felt I could go to school I don?t know, but he seemed to be convinced I could do this.  So I am thinking if he feels it is that big a deal and he is that sure I can do it maybe I should try.  At the very worse I had a safety net, if I couldn?t do it he would take me.  So I went out to look for this stupid college.  I was so proud of myself when I found it.  I went back to my therapist office all excited to tell him all about it.  I told him about all the people and how few had books on them how are they in college and not carrying books. I was talking a mile a minute.  I told him how I didn?t? like all the buildings looking the same and asked him why they would do that.  I told him how I saw the building that said psychology and how I wasn?t sure if I could drive down one of the roads, but did anyway.  I felt like such a rebel.  I was driving at a college.  He then asked me if I went in any of the buildings I said oh no of course not, I FOUND IT!!!  I then started to go on about how they had a welcome center and the little pay things to park in front of like down town and how do wondering how you could possibly know if you paid for enough time.  He laughs and says well you have to actually get out of the car and go in.  I got quiet for a few minutes again and said why would I do that?  He then said how else are you going to apply for college if you don?t get in.  Well I then started crying again how am I going to do that?  All the buildings look alike and how am I going to know which one to go to and how would I find my car and what if I don?t put enough money in that steel thing and they tow my car?  I am so emotional.  I could never be a guy.  How men put up with us I will never know.  Men are so much more even keel when it comes to emotion.  I would much rather be with a guy than me.  So any ways here we go again with I will take you.  I am again feeling the pressure to do this myself.  I eventually went back up there and parked in front of the welcome center and went in.  I know I parked illegally but all the spots were taken and I knew I wasn?t going to be in there long and the whole thing had windows so I could see my car at all times.  He gave me a map and explained in detail it was almost like he knew I was clueless.  I did everything he said and was in the building.  There was a booth right at the entrance for people like me for them to tell me where to go next.  I then went up to that guy and he told me what to do to apply for school.  You have to go to fafsa.com and fill out the application for your pell grant that pays for you to go to school.  Dang I could have done this from home?  Why didn?t my therapist tell me this?  I gave him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he didn?t know either.  He said I could either do it from home or fill it out over there where all the computers were.  Well if I did it there than this guy could come over and help me if I had a lot of questions.  If I do it at home my therapist will make me do it myself.  I opted for doing it there.  I asked a lot of questions, but got it done.  They were suppose to call me back but never did.  I ended up going to a smaller school that didn?t have the meters.  I figured out that is what they were called later.  That is what they are called isn?t it?  I found out I was actually going only a week before school started.  Even when I was sitting in the class room waiting for them to call my name I couldn?t believe I was actually going to go.  I just knew the teacher was not going to call my name.  When the teacher did I turned to the person next to me and said she called my name I get to stay!!  What my mother told me at such a young age has had a lasting impression on being able to trust people.  Feeling that guys are just looking for someone they can have around to permanently have sex with doesn?t help. 

It is not that I am not capable of doing things.  I am very capable and know I can do anything I put my mind to.  It is when you put other people into the equation that can make the whole thing feel impossible.  Most subs are very good at hiding their fear.  I can look a lot more confident than I really am and again most subs I think can.  I can certainly do it better than the women in the movie the secretary.  I would love to have a job like that.  I loved answering phones, having people come to me; I loved calling people who owed money and hearing the reasons why they couldn?t pay.  I really liked that part of my job; hearing people who had it worse than me.  Maybe that is one of the reasons I like the idea of being a nurse.  They would have it a lot worse than me and I get to help them get better.  Maybe some day I can go back to school.  I miss it very much and try not to think about it for to long or it makes me start to cry.  I got a B in elementary algebra, an A in my study skills class, an A in my writing class, an A in my intermediate algebra, and an A in my nutrition class.  It is like being let out to get a taste of how fun life can be when given the chance.  To only be forced back into a box with nothing but memories.

My advice for a new sub

The best advice I can give is not to get to comfortable with giving up all control.  It is easy to stop thinking for yourself and let someone else do all the thinking for you.  The way that is done, is by giving you a lot of rules, structure, and protocol.  The more they do this the easier it is for you to stop thinking and only concentrate on what he wants you to do.  Then when he decides he doesn't want you any more because you have lost all personality you are lost.  A good book to read is called story of O.  It is not a true story, but the concept is very real.  It happens to many.  It happens to most.  That is what makes it easy for another guy to swoop you up and comfort you until he is done with you as well.  That is not to say rules, protocol and structure can not be done at all or isn?t fun.  It can be down right nice.  Just don?t do it all the time and forget how to think for yourself no matter how much you may want to.

Other than that it can be a lot of fun.  Trying to cum with a distraction like pain makes your orgasm stronger when you do cum.  Pain releases endorphins and serotonin from the brain giving you a natural high without chemicals.  That is how you read about women who can lift things they could not have otherwise lifted from the adrenalin, same concept.  The brain is an amazing thing.  If you listen to a song and only orgasm at a certain spot in the song and you do this over and over again.  Eventually you would be able to cum just by listening to that song while driving in your car.  Same concept a guy has by conditioning you to cum by the sound of his voice.  That is how it all works.

 What is a sub? and what does she do....what are her limits?  Is she allowed to have any?

You are allowed anything you wish it is finding a Dom that agrees with your thinking that is the hard part.  It is not much different than the vanilla world.  You still call the shots and a good Master knows that.  It is when you say you are a slave that, that changes.  You will loose respect fast if you say you are a slave when you wish to have limits.  It is never good to be a slave that is not healthy.  That is what will happen if you choose to commit to all the protocols and rules.  That is not to say protocols and rules can't be fun too they can.  Just be careful with that.  That is when you can loose your self and the ability to think for yourself.  That is when you become a slave without realizing it.  It will creep up on you ever so gently with a man who knows what he is doing.  Stay alert when not doing things with your Master.  Do not let it get out of hand.  You need time to gather your thoughts again and composure.  It is easy to get carried away in this and drown before you know it. 

You figure out your limits with each Dom.  What you like with one you may not like with another.  With that said you may not like the guy you are with to pull your hair for instance.  Yet you tell that to another guy and he decides to do it anyways and you find you love it.  You love it because he does it more cautiously.  Do not make the mistake of telling him you like it.  Then he will continue to always do it cautiously and you always like it.  The minute they find out you like something they are less careful in how they do it ruining it for the both of you.  Let them figure it out and you learn what you like with that person as well.  Do not limit your self or him, explore together.  What you like with one you may not like with someone else and vice versa.  Everyone is different everyone?s style is different.  Take your time and insist on him taking his time by saying you don't know.  They are always nicer when they have to figure it out on their own.  It is always a lot more fun that way too, for the both of you.  He gets the green light by the simple fact you have not said done or reacted in a negative way to what he has done.  A good Dom or confident Dom doesn?t need much to feel fine in what he wants to do. He will read you.  Let your body language eyes and breathing to guide him more than words.  In the end a heart felt thanks and a sincere erotic kiss is all he needs to drive you insane in the future trust me. J 

Does love and emotional attachment exist in a d/s relationship?

Love can be deeper and stronger than in a vanilla relationship.  Men are bad at wanting instant gratification.  People imagine how they want it to be and when it doesn't work like that in real life they blame the other person.  Do not go in with expectations and remind that to the man you are getting with.  Let things happen naturally and tell him the same.  Men here at least tend to want things to happen instantly.  They want it thier way with trust quickly.  How long it takes to get your personality the way they want it doesn't matter.  That is why they say they are very patient.  One is not the same as the other and the first is harder to do than the second, but try to explaint that to a guy lol.  It?s a Dom trait no getting away from that one.  I think for a lot of them it is trying to recreate something they had with someone else.  They want to pick up where they left off with the last person they were with.  When it doesn't happen that way and things do not progress as fast as they want.  They want to end it with you saying you are obviously not serious about the lifestyle.  Very sad actually because they do not give the other person time to trust or get comfortable with them.  They don't seem to be able to put themselves in the other person?s shoes and realize the trust they are asking for.  Keep in mind though that while they are trying to be patient with us to trust them to tie us up and do what ever they please.  They are getting more and more attached to us emotionally.  Then begin to get insecure them selves with doing something wrong to cause you to want to end it with them.  Making them more and more antsy to feel they have you completely emotionally.  That way if and when they do screw up they don't feel they will have lost us forever.  Not realizing subs are usually more forgiving than a Dom is.  Making a great deal of their fears unnecessary, but how do you convince them of that.  While all the while our fears of it happening is also very real.  Once it does and they see we do not leave and in fact half the time grow closer to them.  That is when the true love everyone is looking for happens.  Sadly it usually takes a mishap for them to see you are as serious as they are in the relationship.  Unfortunately this can also be when they begin to get sloppy thinking they can do nothing wrong and become even more careless which is what then DOES end the relationship.  People on power trips are the most dangerous and exactly what we seek.  That is where the vanilla world?s fears are very much founded.  Just read between the lines of what people say and don't loose your head about it.  They will all say they are experience care and good at what they do.  No reason not to believe they are.  Ask about their last relationships and what caused them to end.  Find out how long they were in those relationships.  If they have been in vanilla relationships try to shy away from those that have not been and those that have not been in long term relationship.  The best ones are those that were not only married but married for a long time.  They are going to be more realistic than any others.  Educated men help too.  Most likely they have had to have a psychology class or two.  That always helps as well.

How the door was opened for an open relationship

One day my husband came home from work in the morning.  I was coming down the stairs and saw him.  He startled me a little bit because I wasn?t expecting to see him.  I said hey what you doing here.  He said I had a bit of a problem at work.  I said okay but why are you here?  I am thinking if he has a problem at work the last place he needs to be is here at home.  It made no sense.  He said well I was at my secretary?s house.  I said okay but why are you here?  Again why is he here if there was a problem and work and why did he go to her house first.  He said well I was in her bedroom.  I again said okay but why are you HERE?  At this point I am thinking there is something wrong with her computer.   He then said again well we were in her bedroom.  Again getting really exasperated asked, but why are you here?  He then says getting a little exasperated himself, I was in her bed.  I again said but why are you ?? in her bed why were you in her bed?  What does she have a laptop?  I was really dense.  I never ever thought anyone would want my husband besides me.  He then said nooooo.  We were in bed together.  I then said oh my gawd!  Are you serious?  Then again I said, okay but why are you here?   Why would you come home and tell me this.  Now I am thinking he is really dumb.  He then says well her husband came home.  Again I am flippin oh my gawd what did you do?  What happen?  This is so not the reaction he is expecting.  He then says well I proceeded to get out of bed and get dressed.  You weren?t dressed?  OH my Gawd this is to funny.  He then says well it wasn?t funny at the time let me tell ya.  I then laughed and said I bet not.  So what happen?  Well he kept kicking me while I was trying to put my shoes on.  I said what did you do?  He says I told him to stop kicking me so I can put my shoes on.  I then said Geeze Scott talk about insensitive he just caught you in bed with his wife and all you had to say was stop kicking me?  You didn?t apologize or try to explain or say anything?  He said no I just wanted to get out of there.  Then there was silence for a minute and then I said yet again okay but why are you here?  At this point he rolls his eyes and shakes his head slowly for a minute cause this is so not the reaction he was expecting and then says well he said he was going to call you.  I then said well he didn?t so you can go back to work now.  He never did call me.  On his way out the door I told him that he would not leave her because he loves his girls and can?t afford to make it on his own without her.  He never did leave her.  Although the last I heard they were getting a divorce when he left me for the meth head girl.  That was 12 years ago when I found out about him being with his secretary and our marriage changed.  We got married when I was 21 and he was 22.  I was 30 when this all happened.

We lived very strict lives.  We never really dated because that is strictly for the purpose of getting married.  As a witness you are then pressured to get married if you are dating.  That leaves for no memories of the good ole days before you got married.  So while all your friends and relatives tell of their stories from before they got married.  All my husband and I could do is laugh.  We had no stories of our own to tell.  Even when we started seeing other people we still couldn?t tell our stories because everyone knew we didn?t have any and that would mean we got them after we got married.  We could tell other people that we were seeing, but not anyone we knew for many years. 

When you first get married everything is knew.  Every touch is new every kiss is exciting and exhilarating.  You fuck like rabbits for days on end.  You feel alive.  Then you get comfortable with each other.  You still enjoy the sex and you still enjoy having someone sleeping next to you, but you no longer feel the need to do it every night.  After about 5 years you not only enjoy the sex, but they are doing it right.  The way you like it; you have each others needs wants and desires down pat.  It is about then that you can start to run into trouble.  That is when it can become routine.  It is like when you lived with your parents only better.  Instead of sleeping in your own room by yourself you are now the one with someone sleeping next to you.  That also means you are obligated to take care of that other persons sexual needs as well.  So when you are overly tired or stressed out and it has already been awhile since you did anything you start to feel guilty and say yeah okay let?s do this.  Unless you are a guy that knows what you are doing and can turn a girl on even when she is tired.  My husband unfortunately was not one of those guys.  You add obsessed with sex to that and its just a disaster waiting to happen.  I was grateful for his secretary.  It meant I could have sex when I wanted to and not because I had to.  As a JW masturbation is considered wrong.  That made him want it even more because he would never take care of his sexual needs himself.  That is why I was glad his secretary was in the picture it meant I could then have sex with him because I wanted to and not because I had to.  I had a helper.  It worked for me.

Does that mean I would want an open marriage again?  No I would prefer to just be with one guy and that one guy be with me.  Does that mean I would never consider it?  Never is a long time and we never know what the future holds.  There was this one guy he loved his wife very much.  However, he got to be friends with this one woman.  He wanted to be with her.  He didn?t care if he ever got with her again.  He just wanted to one time.  So he asked his wife if he could go see her.  She thought about and she knew he loved her.  He did ask her so she really couldn?t feel threaten by it.  So she said yes you can go see her.  When he came back he told her all about it.  Listening to him tell her all that he did turned her on.  Thinking about another woman finding her man desirable was a huge turn on.  It was like listening to a porn movie only better because her man was the star of the show.  They had the best sex ever that night.  It rekindled their marriage and they have been closer ever since.  Do you want to know the number one way to know if your spouse is cheating on you?  The sex gets better.  Heard that on the radio.

I find that the more money a guy has the worse he treats you because he can.  I have money therefore you will kiss my ass.  I also find the better looking a guy is the more shallow he is.  Not realizing that how ever good looking he is outwardly is ruined by his inward personality.  The less money a guy has the nicer he is.  There is an exception to every rule of course.  I am sure there are a lot of nice guys who have money.  Just as there is a lot of guys who are very broke on here who will treat you like shit.  I am talking on average what I have found to be true.   I don?t blame the guy for this.  I think most women tend to be enablers.  If women stopped over looking how they treated them because of the money he has.  He would stop treating women so badly.  I take that back that is not always true.  I know men with money who treat everyone like crap because they have a lot of money.  I don?t understand why they feel that gives them a right to look down on others.  Like some how they are better than someone else.  Most people who do not have a lot of money work twice as hard as those that do.  Like I said those with little money are usually much nicer people to be around.  I find that sad to be honest.  Please prove me wrong.

I had one guy tell me that he would fly me out to meet him.  I would get in a limo and meet him for an interview to be his wife.  I don?t know when I have grandkids and they ask me how I met their grandpa.  Saying I was flown out for an interview for the position is not exactly the most romantic memory or story I would want to give to people.  I also find that the more money a guy has the more you hear about strict obedience and you will do what I say under any circumstance remarks.  That is not exactly what I consider to be consensual loving relationship.  Sounds pretty one sided if you ask me.  We are a gift and you cherish that gift not abuse it with total disregard to their feelings that day.  So many say they want a women who thinks yet that same guy is saying she better do what I say without question.  Without question is not something a thinking person would do.  I think you would get farther by seducing her into doing what you want rather than demanding her.  If you can?t seduce her into what you want than it wasn?t to happen.  If you have to demand it or discipline her for not wanting to she is then a door mat.  Something everyone says they don?t want.

Well I have good news and bad news the good news is I am not going deeper in debt.  The bad news is I have no attorney.  Well I talked to the new attorney.  He said there is nothing he can do and that it would cost me 6 thousand just for him to even think about it.  He said it is all to complicated to take it.  He said my kids will be very messed up from all of this I said I know and that was about the end of it.  So I have until he takes the girls to the Middle East to get the bills that I already have paid off.  Because I know once he gets to the Middle East I won?t see another dime from him.  I just hope he doesn?t go before my lease is up.  Then I will put everything in storage and figure it out from there. 

When I was growing up divorce was unheard of.  People just didn?t do that.  Back then it was very hard to get a divorce.  You had to have a real reason and the whole town would look down on you for it.  People back then knew and understood what it would do to children to get a divorce.  The problem with that is when children started to grow up in these abusive homes jails started to fill up.  People started to realize that maybe they were wrong to try and force people to stay together.  To now people get divorced for any reason at all.  I think a great deal of these relationships could be fixed, but there is more money to be made by encouraging them to end.  Relatives think about the drama and the thought of a new person being in the picture.  Because you know both parties are eventually going to find someone else.  Not to mention the drama created by the divorce it self.  The whole thing just makes me sick thinking about it.  In this city if you don?t think like everyone else then there is something wrong with you.  You are an unfit mother if you do not think like everyone else.  Woman who chase after the first guy that shows her interest doesn?t help either.  A guy tells me he lives near the ocean and I say I would love to live near the ocean he then fixates on that.  Suddenly every conversation is about how things are near the ocean to I am sick to death of talking to him.  The fact that he is extremely over weight is not suppose to matter because oh my gawd he lives near the ocean.  I am sorry, but there is more to life than having lots of money or a gorgeous house or live with a gorgeous scenic view.  There is compatibility.  I don?t want to be with a guy who is going to demand I suck his dick every morning and every night because he is the Dom.  Nor am I going to be with a guy because of the view he has outside his back yard.  Nor am I going to be with a guy who my kids are going to see me sharing with another woman.  That is not the example I want to set for my girls.  I don?t want my girls to be embarrassed by who they see me with and the life I live.  They knew nothing of my wants and desires until my dumb ass of a husband told them to turn them against me because he can?t control his spending.  It bothers me how no one on this site can understand what I am going through.  He is using my bdsm interest to keep me from seeing my kids much less have them.  If he had the ability he would be having sex with everyone and everyone.  The only stipulation he had was that they were willing.  When someone on here hears that I am meeting a guy for lunch the first thing they ask is are you going to let them play with you?  Hell no.  That is why I don?t have my kids because my husband is telling people I am a slut.  He is dying for me to find someone, but yet does everything to make me avoid wanting to meet anyone.  Then on top of it makes it so I have to work every single day, so even if I did want to meet someone I can?t because I have to work.  I am glad everyone is not ashamed of who they are or there desires, but when you are going through a divorce people treat you like you?re a slut and trash for wanting to blind folded and tied up and flogged.  If you like that then you are obviously willing to get with everyone and everyone.  You obviously have no brains and will chase anyone who is willing to give you the time of day.  I have been judged, tried, and convicted of gawd knows what.  No one will tell me anything.  I am trying to get my kids and guys are asking me if I like anal sex and shave?  How insensitive is that?  I don?t have my kids because of my interest and the first thing a guy wants to know when he meets me is when can I spank your ass.  I don?t know how to reach any of you.  I don?t know how to tell you what I am looking for.  I am looking for a guy who is sensitive, understanding, cares about how he looks, and cares about me.  Not a guy who is trying to figure out how fast he can get in my pants. 

I got off the subject here a bit on what I wanted to say in this journal entry.  I am sorry about that.  I have so much on my mind.  So much I want to say.  My husband and I had an unusual marriage from the people we have to deal with now to get through this divorce.  No one can believe that I was not jealous by him seeing other women.  The truth is I was glad he saw his secretary because he turned our sex life into my personal job.  We had no money and I stressed about over that.  It got so bad that sometimes friends were giving us food.  Then to find out he could have gone out and gotten a real job and we could have had nice vehicles and a nice home, insurance, vacations.  It hurts it really really hurts to know that he cared more about his sex play ground at the office than his family.  Then to make it worse he convinces his kids that I am abusive so they do not want to be with me.  Then he buys them everything they want so they want to stay with him.  An education for his girls or for me is the last thing on his mind.  How someone can have so much hatred for someone who did whatever he wanted is really hard for me to comprehend.  Then I go on a date and the only thing on the guys mind sitting across from me is when he can beat me and then fuck me.  When the only thing on my mind is what are my kids doing and if I am going to get more work or not so I can pay all the bills that have been created from all of this. 

There is another way besides divorce.  My husband and I were not allowed to date when we were growing up.  Most people date a lot of people and then get married.  I liked the way my husband and I did it because I already had someone I loved.  If he was a man he would have cared about who we got with.  His only stipulation was that they were breathing and a willing participant.  There are two times I can think of off hand where he wanted me to get with the guy and I had no interest; one because he was a chain smoker and extremely fat and he needed to take a shower more often and I don?t think he owned a tooth brush much less used one, but get this his wife was a nurse.  He was going to college to be a college history teacher.  The other one couldn?t talk to me unless he smoked weed first.  There were many times when my husband got with the women and I did not get with the guy.  Yet I am the slut who shouldn?t have my kids?  He use to beg me to talk to couples because I am better at talking to people than he is.  Now he uses that against me to take my kids.  I enjoyed meeting most of the guys I met and having sex with most of them was fun too, but I would not have left my husband the father of my kids for them.  For some reason guys think that if I have sex with them that I am just going to loose my head and fall madly in love with them.  There is only one guy I fell in love with other than my husband and he wants nothing to do with me.  I will never know why, but even though I loved him I wouldn?t have left town to find him.  I would not have left my responsibilities here and to my girls to find him.  I am so tired of people and not just men, but people thinking I am a flake.  I am tired of people thinking I will fuck anything that moves or willing.  I want to shake all the women who box up all their stuff to go live with a guy they have only known for three months.  I want to shake all the men who want women to commit to them that they just met a week ago.  Oh and my personal favorite waiting until you want to cum and then say oh you can not cum until you call me Master call me your Master.  Now you belong to me because you called me Master.   That makes me just want to stop right then and never cum again.  Do you really want a woman who you have to make vulnerable to agree to be with you?  Do you really want a woman you had to manipulate to be with you?  I mean honestly what a sick way to start a relationship.  I just wish people would grow up. 

sorry for the ranting this entry didn't go quite as I had planned.  I think I might have to remove it and start over.

Therapy meeting with my girls today,

We were all sitting in the waiting room waiting for our turn to go in.  We could hear a women being quite loud.  She was complaining about having to wrap all the Christmas presents herself and how her husband would never help.  She was saying how he never wanted to go out and always wanted to stay home.  Then brought up yet again on how she had to wrap the Christmas presents herself.  I said to my oldest aren?t you glad things were not like that at home?  I said I would have liked your dad to have helped me with the wrapping of the Christmas presents too, but it wasn?t worth getting mad about it.  She asked me if I talked to the girls attorney.  I said no why would I she thinks I am a bitch.  She said no she doesn?t.  I said yeah okay.  I said all of them think I am a bitch.  She again said no they don?t.  I then said, ?Are you mad?  You look mad are you mad?  Then I said, ?You like that religion with your personality??  Sure she doesn?t.  We finally got in the room and while the therapist went to the bathroom I gave the girls their presents.  I think they really liked the singing Christmas cards.  Then it was what do you want to talk about today?

My oldest was depressed, I found out she is going to lake side as an out patient again.  She said she wanted to die again.  Not sure how the drama I heard made her want to die, but here goes.  Seems my husband was mad because she didn?t do the laundry.  I think he was more mad that his girl friend did it more than he was mad that she didn?t do it.  That would be my guess as to why it was such a big deal.  Seems my daughter fell asleep and so the drama Queen just did it.  That made my daughter mad because her dad was mad.  For some reason she hung up on his girl friend.  This made Drama Queen mad and that in turn upset my daughter as well.  Then my daughter?s ex-boyfriends mother showed up to give her things.  That scared my daughter because she was not expecting her and she was alone at the house which she is not suppose to be.  She said she was afraid she was going to take her like she did a boy she felt she could fix. She said she wants to resolve issues between her and Jonathon and his mother because they all have to get alone since her dad is with Drama Queen the mother?s sister.  Which as you know he was denying in court.  So I am guessing her boy friends mother is wanting to weasel her and her son back in with my daughter.  Something I was afraid was going to happen when I heard they broke up.  Seems my daughter is holding her guns on not getting back with him at least for the time being.  The meeting ended with the suggestion that she could come stay with me so she was not by herself.  She seemed to like the idea, but I am sure that will be stiffled by next meeting.  The talk of emails came up again and they were encouraged to do it yet again.  They don?t know how to get to the address by themselves.  So my husband was told to fix that situation, will see.

We also talked about me a little more.  I like that she is getting to know my personality.  I told her that I was nine when I became a witness and that my mom started studying six months later.  That I chose at nine to stop celebrating holidays.  She asked me if I regretted not going on dates or to dances.  I said no.  She seemed to have a hard time comprehending that.  I told her it would have complicated my life to much with my mother.  I also told her that it was hard to think about dating them since I knew them back when they couldn?t keep their pants up and ate glue.  Not to mention I couldn?t stand all the drama. I told her how the girls would be in the bathroom crying because their girl friend was now dating her boy friend only to be back with her boy friend the next week for it to start all over again the following week.  I said being a small school and no one able to drive who else were they going to date but each other?s boy friends.  I found it all to be kind of stupid.  I told her that my dad knowing all the kids parents didn?t help either.  Any time I talked about a kid at school my dad would say oh I knew his mother or I know his dad.  I told her how my grandma worked in the cafeteria and that a girl I went to school with her dad was the town dentist and a boy I went to school with his dad was the town vet. I said we grew up after we got married not like most people who date other people before they get married.  I told her we didn?t have much choice but to do it the wrong way because of our up bringing.

OH and my oldest said her dad told her she should have 4 credit cards.  That after she gets her good paying job that she should get an american express card, a visa, a master card and a discover card.  I was floored when I heard that.  Especially when it is due to him being deep in credit card debt that I am to work full time. Well that is all I can remember that was said for now

My thoughts on Religion now:

If a child goes out to play do we really care if they play hide and seek or tag?  Do we care if they ride their bike or walk?  What we care about is that they are happy and healthy and grow up to be good productive people.  I think our creator feels the same way.  I call him a creator because that is the only one who created.  As a Jehovah?s Witness you are to call God Jehovah so that it is not confused that you might be praying to Satan.  I am told that the name Jehovah came from monks meaning a sheep herder.  I was told that most people could not pronounce Gods name properly.  So I decided to just call the creator just that.  If we do not care what our kids do as long as they grow up happy and healthy.  How much more so would our creator feel that way?  If the end result is the same, so what is the end result?  We go back to the whole.  I think it is safe to say we have all watched cops.  I think we watch those shows because people are entertaining.  I think we entertain our creator.  What ever we learn here we take back to the whole.  It is this thinking that for me explains people like Hitler and so many different religions.  He just doesn?t care because the end result is the same.  We all go back to the whole because everything was created from the whole. 

These are some poems I wrote.

?It Matters how we got here, to know where we are going.?

Which came first the chicken or the egg?

Does a tree still make a noise if no one is there to hear it?

We are all a little piece of God to entertain the whole.

How do you know you are thin if you have never been fat?

How do you know what is truly evil if you have never been just that?

That is how God is all things, knows all things because he has been all things.

A bad religion is just as important as a good one because there is no such thing.

How can you explain life if there is no death?

If a lie makes you live a good life can it still be harmful?

If we knew the truth would we still live a good life?

?My Bible?

If God is just and fair there must be death for there to be life

God is as much evil as he is good.

He created diseases as well as allowed cures.

Religion is for the weak as much as life is for the strong.

God is in each of us, not in a building.

Fear death no more and no less than you fear life.

The reckless fear nothing.

The do gooders fear everything.

?What happens to the dead??

They repeat the reinactment over and over again.

They watch from afar to protect those left behind.

They are born again to rein act another done before.

To dust they were to dust they will return.

But it is evil that give it all a reason and a purpose to continue.

For positive to move, it needs negative to push it.

As a Jehovah?s Witness you are told that you may never die.  That Armageddon could come in your life time and destroy all those who are not in the so called truth.  Then the earth slowly becomes a paradise again while we teach those who are left about the truth.  During that time people are being resurrected here on earth and also given a chance to learn the truth.  While those who already believe the truth help others as well.  Then after a thousand years Satan is let out of the abyss to tempt the people one last time.  Those who follow Satan are destroyed and no one ever dies again.  They like to say we do not keep our people in the organization by fear of burning in hell for eternity.  They do it by saying you will not be able to live forever on a paradise earth.  That is why Michael Jackson said he would rather die than not be on an earth where there are no more children.  He was raised as a JW.  The only way a child would be born eventually would be to replace someone who did not live by Gods rules.   Otherwise the earth would become over populated if no one ever died.  They say maybe we would have another planet to populate, but they doubt that because there is a scripture that says something about the heavens belonging to God and the meek shall inherit the earth.

So, that is where I came from and how I got to where I am today on religion.  Right or wrong. 

When you were little and I decided the organization of Jehovah's witnesses was not the truth.  Everyone asked me why you are still letting your girls go to your mom's?  Especially when you know she is taking them to the Kingdom Hall.  I said, ?One because that is her grandmother.?  Family has always been very important to me.  Maybe to important to me I honestly didn't think that is possible.  Maybe I am being proven wrong.  Another reason I was okay with you going to the Kingdom Hall was because I wanted you to know that good people end up in bad religions.  I am not saying the organization of Jehovah?s witnesses is bad.  It serves a purpose.  The organization of Jehovah?s witnesses serves a purpose and a very good one.  I hoped that you would learn not to want to be a Mormon or into scientology.  That is what I mean when I say I hope you learn that good people end up in bad religions.  Although I truly believe in a lot of ways those religions serve the same purpose.  Your dad can help you to see why not to be in Scientology but neither of us can help you to see why not to be a Mormon.  I am sure long after I am gone there will be other religions like those.  It is not the end of the world that you want to be a witness or that you wish to quit school.  All of these things I hope can be fixed.  If that means going to another town that will allow you to go to school then so be it.  Maybe that can be done.  Who knows maybe your dad can get you in school in Dubai.  You thought Germantown was a hard school.  Private school is even harder. 

            So what purpose does the organization of Jehovah?s witnesses serve?  For one it makes people feel better about them selves who otherwise felt there was nothing they could do to feel better about themselves.  Some people have done so much wrong in their life that they feel there is nothing they can do to not only feel better about them selves but to repair the damage they feel they have created with God.  The witnesses are so strict that they feel they can not possibly go wrong.  Your grandma feels she has sacrificed me just as Abraham sacrificed his son.  What she fails to remember is that he didn?t sacrifice his son.  God provided him with a goat instead.  That is irrelevant though my Dear.  It is what makes her feel better about her self.  Not to mention she feels she is showing tough love.  She is hoping that I will one day see the errors of my ways and be a witness again.  If that is what you are hoping for Wendy I can assure you it will never happen.  I am glad you are trying to find your self Wendy.  I just hope you are not becoming a witness because you feel guilty for something you have done in your past.  Personally I think religion is far to over rated especially in this city.  I have my own beliefs now about our creator.  Ones that answers my questions and allows me to sleep at night and okay with who I am and where I have come from and where I am going.  Instead of telling you that story I shall tell you the one about how I became a Jehovah?s Witness instead.  I am not sure you know it or are aware of it.  I think you will find that one much more interesting instead at this time in your life.  We can talk about what I believe now later.

            As you know from therapy and what I told your therapist.  It was my goal to be the perfect daughter.  One that not only my mom could be proud of and that her family could be proud of, but more importantly the man I didn?t know could be proud of.  I wasn?t sure how to go about that with your grandma being so hard on me and so much pressure on me to be just that.  So I sat in my room in front of my hope chest looked up at the sky and prayed to God to help me to be a good girl and do nothing wrong.  I said just get me through my childhood and I will never ask for another thing.  When your grandma and grandpa use to take me to my Aunt Lois house she would take me out door to door.  I have a picture of it or your grandma does.  I was three years old.  I think the time I remember though I had to be much older.  We went to this woman?s house and she never looked at us when we talked to her.  When we left her house I asked my Aunt Loi why she never looked at us and what was wrong with her.  She told me she was blind.  I thought it very interesting that we were talking to a woman who could never see the bible.  When I was back home there was a church down the street from me and that is where I went.   The reason I went there is because it was walking distance from my house.  Your grandma and grandpa went for Easter and Christmas, but that was it.  I remember one year I was in a Christmas play.  Your grandma was soooo mad at me.  She couldn?t get my wings to sit right for nothing.  She said you are never going to do this again do you understand me?  I said, yes mom.   To be honest I am glad you girls were never in a play for the same reason.  Your dad?s poor secretary and all those outfits she needed to sew for her daughter?s plays.  I am glad I could help her.  I had a great deal of questions growing up that I could not get answers for.  At least not an answer I was happy with.  If I remember right it was who created God and why can God not die?  If everything else has an ending why does he not?  The people at the church just said you have to go on faith.  If I recall correctly the Jehovah?s Witness say God does not have a beginning or an end and he or it is the only thing that does not have a beginning or an end.  I loved that the witnesses had an answer for everything.  Anything that you want to know they have an answer for and if they don?t? they will find it and if they can?t they will make one, right or wrong.  I will not get into the explanation to that comment for obvious reasons.  I am not saying it is right or wrong.  All I am saying is that I liked that about them.  It is why I still have the books and not only have them, but on my shelf where I can get to them even today. 

            An old woman came to the door and she was witnessing to your grandma.  I couldn?t wait to talk.  Finally your grandma was done listening and she said very politely that she was not interested.  The old woman?s name was deloris and she said well it looks like your daughter has something to say.  I said yeah I have a great teacher book that my aunt gave me, you want to see it? I will go get it.  I don?t know why I didn?t just go get it.  I guess I was afraid she would leave before I got back.  She looked at it and then asked me if I would like to study out of it.  I very excitedly said oh yes lets do that!  Then I said, What exactly does that mean?  She laughed and said well we read the paragraph and then answer the questions.  I said okay.  She then said well maybe we should check with your mom first and make sure it is alright with her.  I said, ?Oh no, she doesn?t care.?  She didn?t care at the time.  After awhile went past though she was being told that the Witness do not believe in Jesus and that they were a cult.  So for the first time she was interested in a religion.  At the time your grandma started studying it was Christmas time.  Your grandma use to go all out for Christmas.  The tree had to be just right.  Your grandma never cussed like she did at Christmas time.  That tree had to be just right every year.   She would also order crafts and the dinning room table would be full of all these Christmas ornaments that she would make and she would cuss about that.  I never got to help put up the tree she always tried to have it done while I was in school.  I guess that is why I always wanted you girls to help because I never was allowed to.  I know you girls wished I cared about how it looked as much as everyone else did, but I cared more about you girls having fun with it then how it looked.  I did from time to time move things around trying to make sure not so many colors that were the same were so close together.  I did that when you girls weren?t looking.  It?s kind of funny actually because I did the same thing when I was little when your grandma wasn?t looking.  For different reasons of course, then it was to feel like I helped decorate the tree. 

            The first year we chose not to celebrate Christmas I didn?t mind so much because it was a great deal of pressure off me.  You see that is when I would see my Uncle Paul and Aunt Dorothy from Florida.  It was the only time that all my cousins would all be in the same house at grandmas.  The best way to explain what that was like is to tell you about your great great grandma?s funeral.  I sat on the couch in the corner of the room and just watched the people.  This one guy that I really don?t know other than I was told he was the guy who dressed up like Santa Claus every year.  He says, ?Who is the girl sitting in the corner??  My Aunt Rae says, ?Oh you know her that is Linda?s daughter.?  He says ?Oh yeah.?  Then my cousin Connie says, ?Yeah it is hard to recognize her without Linda yelling at her isn?t it.?  Everybody started laughing.  I was surprised because I didn?t know they all knew that or noticed.  Then I thought about your grandma and ran in to check on her incase she heard her, but your grandma was busy talking and being center of attention as always.  So I was happy and relieved.  The second year we celebrated Christmas I cried because I thought about your grandpa.  You see your grandma and I were studying, but your grandpa wasn?t so I felt bad for him.  Till he came up stairs and talked to me and said it didn?t bother him that we were not celebrating.  He said he was thinking about all the money he was going to save.  Then I was okay about it again.

            Unlike most people who become a Jehovah?s Witness.  I did it to stay good not because I was bad.  I didn?t become a witness out of guilt.  I became a Jehovah?s Witness because I believed it.  I didn?t leave it for the reason most people leave it either.  Most people who leave it is because they did wrong or because they want to marry someone who isn?t one.   I left it because I knew it wasn?t the truth and that is why I will never go back.  No matter how much I miss it. 

            There is a great deal of assumptions that were made about me then as well as now.  It was assumed that I had sex when I didn?t.  People who were strong in the organization wouldn?t have anything to do with me because they felt I wasn?t.  Those that were not strong in the truth didn?t want anything to do with me because they knew I was.  That is another reason I came to the conclusion it was not the truth.  I felt that if it was the truth God?s Holy Spirit would help them to see the truth about me.  That didn?t happen.  I left because you would not have had friends if we stayed in it.  You were getting to an age Wendy when you were going to need friends.  And if the JW?s were not going to be friends with your dad and me then you would not have friends either.  That is fine for your dad and I we were older.  That, however, was not okay for you at that time.  We were going to have to do something about that.  As a Jehovah?s Witness if you change Kingdom Halls they contact the last Kingdom Hall.  So, if you do something wrong it follows you.  And if you don?t do anything wrong and they think you did that also follows you.  I remember leaving the Kingdom Hall one time crying telling your dad I wish I knew what I did wrong so I can be punished and be done with it.  I had just asked everyone at the Kingdom Hall if they would like to come over for dinner.  They were all going to relatives.  I told your dad it made me want to make up something that I could confess to so I could be punished and be done with it.  Back then I didn?t know why they were treating me the way they were.  I found out after I left from your aunts friend.  I got her a job and she told me.  She told me that the woman I was living with at the time told her that I had been with a worldly boy and not to associate with me.  She then laughed and said that made us want to associate with you even more.  Till we got to talking to you and realized you didn?t and were strong in the organization and not one of us. One time a family came over and it was only to find out what it was like to live in the Middle East as a Jehovah?s Witness.  Once they heard how it was done and saw all the pictures they wanted nothing more to do with us again.  I deserve better than that.  You deserved better than that.  I won?t go back to that.  I will not be part of religion where so much judging is done.  You are not a good person unless you think and act as they do.  I find most people in religion are like that.  They do not want to know about you or what has brought you to where you are today.  They are just quick to judge and make assumptions without ever talking to you.  They had their reasons and they did what they felt was right for them.  End of story.

            Even today I find that people have made up their minds about me.  No one is asking me anything.  No one wants to hear my side or hear my view point.  Why should they, they feel they already know it.  Take blame as you said.  What was my reply?  Blame for what?  You blame dad you said.  What was my reply? Blame him for what?   You know it the way your dad has said it.  That has affected how you saw it.  That has affected how you see it.  Had you heard it from me you would have heard it differently and thus see it differently now.  I know why your dad did what he did and he knows why I did what I did.  I also know why he does what he does now.  One day you will too.  I just hope I am there to help you.  I never want you to hate your dad.  Right now I feel you only remember the bad.  Just as that is all your dad wants to remember.  Some day I hope you remember more than that.

Let the therapy begin.  I call it the mom bashing sessions. 


When I walk in the door the first thing my daughter says is look at my out fit, you like it?   I said hmmm.  She wanted to know what I thought of it and to be honest I really didn?t know what I thought about it.  She had on black boots, black dress, gold hoop earrings and gold bracelets.  She then wants to talk to her therapist alone.  So the three of them go in there and talk for a long time with out me.  I heard allot of mom and not fair.  I have no idea what was being said.  I stood and looked at my husband.  He looked at me like what do you want to say.  I said nothing.  He eventually turned his head and couldn?t look at me.  I finally get in there and it is, okay what we want to talk about?  I asked her if she got my emails.  She said yes.  I said something about not getting emails from them.  The therapist rolls her eyes and states there was no obligation for them to email or you for that matter.  But you need to email your oldest too.  They will basically not be emailing back.  There was also talk right before we all left that they will not be giving me a gift and the therapist looks at my youngest and she says how she feels guilty that she doesn't plan on giving me a gift.  I told her I didn't figure she would be.  That it was okay.  The therapist says it wouldn't be okay with her and she was expecting a gift.  Then said she was kidding. 

My oldest says something about not taking blame for what happen.  I said I wanted to make him happy, I did what he wanted and I wanted to please him.  The therapist very coldly says if you say one more word you will leave this room in thirty seconds.  She then looks at my youngest; she says she is uncomfortable with it being talked about.  She asks my oldest if she wants to talk to her alone.  She says no she is fine.  She then wants to talk about it more.  She says you keep saying him and he.  I could talk about the sky and you talk about grass hoppers.  You are not taking blame for what happen.  You keep blaming him.  I said blaming him for what? He did nothing wrong.  We made that decision together.  She says do you not regret anything from the past.  Now I would have liked to have said yeah I wish he would have wanted to do more things that I wanted to do so I didn't have to go else where.  But I couldn't say that to her especially after what the therapist said a few minutes before that.  Not to mention it would have open a whole new can of worms about my wanting bdsm.  So I said no.  Obviously my husband has stated I am the one who wanted all of this and he had to go along with it.  That was a very loaded question.  Not something I could answer her in any depth.  I had a lot of fond memories.  I know he did too.  But basically because I am not religious and repentive of our marriage I shouldn't have my kids.  That is going to be my guess in all of this.  No one wants to hear the truth or me.  Since my husband has two women backing him up who am I?  When I am saying blaming him for what?  The therapist is standing at that time and anxious and hyper.  Oh it was considered normal for me to yell at my husband for wanting to leave me for someone else, but at the same time I need to say over and over again how I need to take blame for yelling at him.   So which is it?  I am normal for yelling or to be blamed for it.

There was talk of Religion big time.  I am a shit for being willing to tell her my thoughts on it.  It is assumed that I am going to say everything negative about it.  So I am not to say anything until she has done her own research.  Basically do not say anything about the religion and until I am stronger in it.  That would be my take on it.  She said something about apostate books I said no I went to the back of the Kingdom Hall and read the watchtowers and awakes.  I came to the conclusion it wasn't the truth from their own articles.  As a Jehovah?s Witness you are not to associate much with family members who are not one.  That means when you leave it they want nothing to do with you because you didn?t when you were one and those that are do not want anything do with you because you are not any more.  That causes many to go back into the religion because of feeling of isolation.  When my husband and I were a witness we had a couple that we were friends with.  The parents did not like how much time they spent at our house because they wanted them to break up.  Neither parents liked them together because he was white and she was black.  With them coming to my house I did all the cooking and cleaning and they didn?t have to do anything but have fun.  They said it was like a mini vacation ever weekend.  One day they just stopped having anything to do with us.  We found out a few years later why.  The mother of the women told everyone at the Kingdom Hall that we were wife swapping.  She did that because she wanted them to stop coming over so they would break up.  Well they did get a divorce and she did date a black guy.  She got pregnant and right after she had the baby there was complications.  She was bleeding internally.  The doctor, however, would not operate without being allowed to give her a blood transfusion and since as a witness you do not have a blood transfusion she died.  The mother is raising the baby and the father is raising the child she had when we were friends.  We were pregnant with our first child at the same time.  Mine is a month older.

There was discussion about why I was in the organization.  I said I liked the structure it gave.  What I could and couldn't do what I could and couldn't watch or wear or go.  She is all surprised, she says with your personality?  I am really surprised you would like that.  I said, I wanted to please my mom and that allowed me to do it.  Oh so you would not have made her happy if you did not have that religion to do it.  I said no.  I said if you have a mother that you can't please and she is saying I know you are going to do exactly what I did. You are going to get pregnant before you are married.  If a child is trying to please her mother knows she can't and is told she is going to do wrong what do they do?  She thought for a minute and said they will find a boy.  I said exactly.   As a Jehovah's Witness you can not do that.  ?Why not?? she says.  Want to go to the prom?   Sorry can't I am a Jehovah's Witness.  Want to go out on a date?  Sorry can't I am a Jehovah's Witness.  As a Witness you can?t date unless you can get married because that is the purpose of dating.  Once you can get married then the sole purpose of dating a person is to get married.  That means you are very heavily pressured to get married so you do not have sex before marriage.  She then says oh so you were in it for the structure not because you believed in it.  I said I very much believe in it.  That is why I had a break down 12 years ago because I lost my identity, who I was.  Everyone needs a way to identify themselves.  Who are you?  I am my mom?s daughter,  I am my husbands wife, I am my childrens mother, I am a Jehovah?s witness.

My oldest says you are supposed to set the example.  I said that is why I didn't want you to know anything.  When I told her about when she was in the carport at her aunts house.  I asked her how she felt about her dad helping the women he left me for.  She said she was glad and that she knew her dad would never cheat on me.  She also said she would rather be broke and not have much money than her dad have a job he hated. Rutledge says you don't remember it quite like that do you.  She did say to me that it sounds like something she would say.  I said it is how we all felt.   You know when a women finds out her husband has cheated on her she starts to think back and remembers all the signs.  I am sure that is exactly what my daughter did.  Then brings it up as always knowing because she is embarrassed to admit she didn't know.

It is easy to see me as the horrible person because I am not playing the victim.  A great deal of people are a witness to deal with the guilt they have for choices they have made in the passed.  It is so strict that they feel they are proving they deserve to be part of the new system in spite of past sins because of all the sacrifices you make becoming a witness. Such as feeling guilty for having had sex with your boy friend, which is what my daughter did. 

Both my girls are now talking about moving to Dubai in the middle east with their dad.  My youngest is saying how she would come back from Dubai because she would miss me and my oldest says she would want to come back for the same reason; yet, neither one of them want to spend any time with me other than the hour in therapy.  Through out this whole meeting I am being asked so are you mad?  You look mad?  Are you mad?  I told her I was numb and didn't know what to think.  I feel they are playing this mom is an evil bitch to the hilt.  They certainly have enough people helping them.

What I look for in a guy:

Confidence first and foremost.  Trying to get me to commit to you is a big turn off.  That is probably the top turn off.  If I am interested in you, you will know it.  I will ask questions.  I rarely ever ask questions and they are far and few between.  So just because I do not ask questions does not mean I am not interested in you.  I will tell you if I am not at all interested in you.  I usually say something like I wish you the best of luck in your search.  If I do not know or if I like what you say then I will respond to what you say.  Looks is not everything, but a physical attraction does have to be there.  I like guys with dark hair and mustaches.  A little of a belly is good.  I am not attracted to guys who are super thin.  Nor am I attracted to guys who are super muscular.  I love chests less hair on them the better, but not the end of the world if you do.  I want a guy who does not feel he needs to change me or discipline me.  I want someone who wants to do what he does because he enjoys it not because he needs an excuse or a reason to do it.  I want someone who does not need to be reassured.  Another turn off is someone who would try and manipulate me into being with them.  One by not wanting to let me see what you look like. Two by letting me get to know you and then avoid me.  Either by when you choose to go off line or avoiding me and then coming back on and then doing it again thinking I am going to become desperate feeling I will loose you.  That will not work.  I want a guy who can just take charge and do what he wants do to.  The less I know the better.  Thus a great deal of trust has to be there and that only comes with time.  I am being asked a lot if I have a high sex drive.  I really can't say I can honestly answer that question. Obviously you get in a new relationship you are going to want to have sex.  My desire for sex can be very connected to what is going on in my life.  If we have no money or I am under a lot of stress for what ever reason that is going to affect my desire to have sex.  Something my husband could not comprehend.  Thus he saw it as I didn't desire him.  Even though we still had sex.  He was just clueless.  I would rather you ask me how I feel about what you want to do, than ask me what I you want you to do.  That is part of the whole confidence thing.  I do not like titles or description.  I live who I am.  I am not one way in the bedroom and another way not in the bedroom.  I would like to think I could rip of your clothes and have my way with you as well when you least expect it.  As well as bring your dinner to you and sit on the floor next to you while you eat.  With no real thought to it.  That is not to say I would want to have to always sit on the floor next to you.  Just something I wanted to do in the moment.  That is not to say I am totally against protocols ever and always.  I think I am against anything that would create routine more than anything.  Not to mention remove opportunity for spontaneity from me for you.  Structure and protocol is fine if I am not married to the person, but that is not what I am looking for in a marriage.  I want normal with extra.  Last but not least if you do not want me I would appreciate that you have the balls to tell me so and why.  So I can learn from it and not be kept hanging wondering.  I think this about covers what I am looking for.  If I think of anything else I will revise or if someone asks me questions that lead me to realize I need to add to this I will.   

A lot of people have asked me about my interest in bdsm.  How I became interested in it.

I wanted to please my mom growing up.  It was an impossible feat.  I will get to the reasons why shortly.  My mom told me before I started school that my father hated kids and wished me dead.  She said he used her.  She said this because she didn?t want a boy using me the way she was used.  She loved my father but he did not love her back.  I spent my whole life trying to prove I deserve to be here.  I was determined to be the best child I could possibly be.  So if I ever found my father.  He would regret not having wanted me.  So he would regret wishing me dead.   My mother made sure she gave me a better life than she had.  Her mom spoiled her kids when they were little and then wondered why they were disrespectful and disobedient when they were older.  My mother knew her mistake, but didn?t realize that if you give a good foundation you don?t have to be so strict when your child is older.  She didn?t allow room for any mistakes and thus growth.  She had to prove to everyone that she was a good mother.  Everyone told her she was too young to have a child and that she couldn?t? take care of her self much less another life.  So they also said she should have had an abortion.  My knowing that made me want to be the best child I could to prove them wrong also.  My mom wished she had a mother like she was and so did I.  Jealousy set in and thus where the impossibility to please her began.  She always told me that I would grow up and get pregnant before I was married just like she did.  That is why I became a Jehovah?s Witness.  Where my mom left off in being strict the organization picked up and vice versa.  They say what you can wear, what you can watch, what you can listen to, even sex is covered.  I loved it, I loved the security of being told what I could and couldn?t do.  Then I came to realize that the Jehovah?s Witness were not the truth.  My whole world fell apart at that time.

Then I learned about bdsm.  I went into a room called bondage and they were talking about pain and pleasure.  This one guy messages me asking me what I thought about what they were saying in the room.  I said I didn?t know how they could put those two words in the same sentence and it still make since.  He said do you want to know and I said okay.  It went from there.  Do not ask because he does not wish for me to say the details.  Even though I am no longer with him I wish to respect his wishes.  Would you not wish the same?  We never talked about words like Dom or Sir or submissive or bdsm.  It was just him telling me to do things and see if I would do it.  He said years later that he always waited for me not to do something and then the relationship to end, but I never didn?t do what he asked so it never ended.  One day I said I wished there were other people like me.  He said there was and I got excited and asked him where?  How do I find them?  That is when he told me about a room called submission on irc.  He said if you go in there I don?t want you coming back thinking I want you to act like those women.  I asked him what he meant and he said I would see when I went in the room.  After a few weeks I said you know they are like me but they are not like me.  He said, ?Yes.?  That was about all he said.  With that I will just say I am afraid of doing wrong.  Hopefully you will all now know why.

I am going through a divorce,  I have two girls 13 and 17 about to be 14 and 18 in January.  Two years ago he left me for a woman who does CrystalMeth.   They thought they were going to get rich together.  I was the stay at home mom who took care of the girls.  She was willing to stay out all night in a dank bar playing pool, while her husband was at home taking care of their three year old son.  She then realized she loved and missed her son more than she thought and left my husband to go back to her husband.  He said she only spent two nights in the warehouse he was staying in.  The bedroom had graffiti on the wall.  There was no shower and no Ac, the windows were all way up high by the ceiling so you could only see the sky.  The kitchen area and I do mean area had the sink sitting on he counter.  It was pretty bad to say the least.  He then moved back home and wrote her love poems while I helped the kids with home work.  He slept in a small bedroom upstairs.  Then he moved out again to rent a house with her.  Then he moved back home again.  Then he moved out to live with an old friend he knew when he was a kid.  He had a crush on his sister when he was dating her best friend.  That is who he is wanting now.  He then moved in with her after living with her brother.  The living conditions were no better with him.  He tore up the plumbing in his bathroom to fix it up and never finished.  He then got evicted while he was out of town.  So all the things I gave him saying it was his he lost by it being put out on the curb while he was out of town on business.  That is when he moved in with his sister.  Who I believe is also now going through a divorce.  Personally I think my husband has something to do with that as well.  I talked to him once looking for my husband about something he was a real jerk on the phone.  So they were together before my husband came in the picture. 

            The story doesn?t end here.  It only gets worse.  My oldest fell in love with the other sister?s son.  Now the mother loved my daughter and wanted her 24/7.  So she spent two months telling my daughter what a rotten mother I was.  She also told her that she would home school her if she quit school.  My husband told her she could do that when I said no.  He also said she could spend the night at his house.  Now if this wasn?t enough he also took her off the birth control I put her on.  Now she tells me she broke up with her boy friend.  She said you were right mom he was mentally abusive.  The problem is a great deal of damage has been done.  I had a break down due to all the stress and he has everyone convinced I have been abusive to him.  The real story is he listens to these two women who told him his girls needed things and he needed to provide those things.  He wanted to impress this woman that he has had a crush on since he was a teenager.  So, instead of saying I can?t afford it.  He got a credit card and bought all that they asked for.  So, now he is 6 thousand dollars in credit card debt.  That doesn?t include all his other debts from struggling trying to run a company.  So that is the real reason he took the girls.  He has taken a debt and turned it into a great deal of medical debts on top of attorney debts.  Again this is just the tip of the iceberg on the drama.  My oldest slept with a knife one night so she is not to be left alone.  She went to a psychiatrist and he said she should not go to school.  So she is staying home and being watched by his girl friends mother.  This woman is extremely over weight and my daughter has to help her to go to the bathroom.  Who is baby sitting who?  Sounds to me they needed a babysitter for her mother and my daughter is the fall guy for it.  This is the same women who use to scream at her daughter at the top of her lungs for a piece of fuzz on the floor.  As a Jehovah?s Witness you believe cleanliness is next to godliness and so if your house is not clean then God is not there if God is not there than Satan is.  Oh did I mention the old woman is a devout Jehovah?s Witness.  From what I hear my husband is miserable because he is getting lectured on a regular basis about being a Witness again and read scriptures too. 

            My husband had no interest in bdsm.  He said to find someone else who was willing to do that.  I saw one guy for 10 years.  He also wanted us as a couple to meet people.  I did tried it to make him happy but I didn?t like it.  It made me feel used.  I want one guy and one guy to want just me.  I am not in a position really to do that yet, but that is what I want.  That is my story.

It is that time again school is back in session.  I have psychology this semester so guess what you get to read now.  muahahahha

My home work assignment tonight folks is on why a girl would take up smoking in her freshman year.

There are many reasons why a freshman girl in high school might take up smoking.  All of these different reasons could be put in different categories under different believes of how the brain works.  Personally I think all of these different ways must be taken into consideration.  There are three categories that we could put this particular incident under, social learning, humanistic theory, the neuroscience perspective, and the sociocultural perspective.

Social learning is the belief that we act a certain way by watching others.  With this way of thinking we could say the girl decided to take a puff of a cigarette by having seen others do it.  She might choose to smoke to fit in with others around her.  She might have even been pressured into smoking by her peers.  She might smoke to feel grown up since that is something we associate only adults doing.  In conclusion, society does not always make it easy to do the right thing.  Others make mistakes and they do not like to think they are alone in making them; thus, they encourage others to do the same.  This to me makes the world a very sad place.  One of the reasons I prefer to stay home than to be a part of it.

The next school of thought is the humanistic theory.  This way of thinking is how we view ourselves.  Usually with the influence of society telling us how we should view ourselves.  If society says smoking is cool than we all want to do it.  That is how society got into smoking in the first place.  Immaturity is how it has continued.  That is why it is usually young people that we see who start smoking now days, in my opinion of course.  Society also see?s smoking as those who are rebels.  If she is trying to say to the world I am grown up and answer to no one.  Then she may take up smoking to validate that.  In my opinion there is better ways to say you are grown up than by rebelling.  Such as doing well in school and making plans for your future.  That to me says you are more grown up than picking up a cigarette.

The next way we could look at the reason behind picking up a cigarette would be neuroscience.  This line of thinking is based on the nervous system to explain mental process.  I am hearing that many who go to college to become a nurse start smoking.  They say it is because the classes are so hard and demanding.  It takes a great deal of hours making it stressful.  Smoking is said to give a calming affect.  There are many reasons why a teenage girl would feel stressed.  A freshman is entering a new building.  It can be stressful learning a new building.  A freshman girl can be adjusting to all kinds of new feelings and emotions.  She is usually well into puberty by then and adjusting to all the hormonal changes that goes with that.  She could be dealing with her parents going through a divorce.  She could have her first boy friend and learning all the new social skills that goes with that.  She could also have just broken up with her first boy friend.  Smoking can also be soothing and comforting.  The down side is that you grow to rely on a cigarette even when you wish to give it up.  Most do not think about that when they choose to start.

The last way to look at a girl who chooses to start smoking is from a sociocultural perspective.  That is what society expects.  Depending on those we choose to associate with has a lot to do with the direction this idea would go in.  If the people you associate with smoke they could expect you too.  On the other hand if the people you associate with think smoking is dumb and immature you would not want to start smoking.  Commercialism worked for years to make smoking look cool.  We still have old movie?s we can watch that show smoking to be cool.  The tough guys who fight evil aliens may still show to smoke in movies.  I guess they figure if they like those kinds of movies.  Than most likely they are also violent.  If they are violent then it is okay to encourage them to smoke and weed out the people who will tend to be violent.  Today for the most part commercialism is fighting with the need to sell a product and the need to be responsible.  It took many years to make cigarettes cool.  I think it shall take even more years to make it not cool.  In conclusion I think we as individuals need to think about being more responsible and then society as a whole would be responsible.  That in turn would make this a world a more enjoyable world to live in.

I think all of these thoughts should be taken into consideration as to why a young girl would start smoking.  Psychology is to help a young girl to understand her own reasons for why she chooses to do what she does.  Understanding why you do something can help to know what other options you have.  If you do it to fit in than you can find other friends to fit in with.  If you do it to avoid stress you can find other ways to deal with stress.  If you do it to deal with depression you can find other ways to deal with depression.  Knowing why you do something is half the battle.  Finding other ways to deal with your problems can help you to not only feel good about yourself, but about those around you. 

The second half of this homework assignment is how do these different ideas view the responsibility of one's own actions?

 

I have been on the net for 11 years now. I was on the next when it was considered RUDE to ask someone for their name. All you do when you insist on having my name is remind me to keep my distance from you. All it is when you text me with my name is a red flag that you are NOT my friend. You can NOT demand respect and trust that has to be earned. Thinking that if you have my name that I then trust you is denial on your part. Who ever felt that having someone?s name makes them special and demanding to know it is wrong. It is wrong to say, ?Well you don?t trust me and the conversation ends here if you can?t tell me your name.? Then the conversation ends. If you don?t have the patience or respect for another person to wait until they are ready to give you their name then you don?t deserve that person. I am infuriated with men who have made it considered perfectly okay to want to have someone?s name. That is why we have nicks. To give a name when I have no desire to give it to you is misleading. It makes you feel like you are in some closer inner circle than you are. There is a lot of different things that can tell you if a person is more interested in you. One is to offer a picture; two, tell you their real name. To insist on it so that one thinks you meant to do that and imply you have more interest in them than you do or two want to feel like you are tighter than you are or three conditioned that person to believe you are as close as you want to be.  All of these reasons are WRONG. You can not force someone to be with you by constantly implying you are. People really need to grow up and allow things to happen in stead of trying to make things happen and force things to happen. People's personality is what creates a connection between two people not a name.? Any questions? Thoughts are also welcome.

I made an A on my last test in algebra.  A special thanks to the sub that finally came through for me.  I would also like to thank all of you who offered to help me with math.  My next math class starts the middle of January next month.  Please feel free to send me another message letting me know you can help me.  It is good to have a network of people, that way I am not overwhelming one person with phone calls.  I believe this semester will be easier now that I have a good foundation, but it is better to be safe than sorry.  Thanks again to all of you who offered to help me.  It was just at the tail end when I was almost done with math. You know how it is; it is not until the fight is over that you cry and fall apart in relief from realizing the worst is over.  This semester has been kind of like that.  I am looking forward to when school starts up again.  I hope to stay busy until then, so I do not stress about everything else that is or is not going on in my life.  I hope all of you have a good Holiday and new year.  I hope, at the very least that it is better than the year before.  

I am finally finding out why I have had such a hard time in this math class.  The teacher is so advance in her knowledge that she can not relate to the students she is teaching, so she tries to come up with ways to make it challenging.  What is in our homework and what she puts on the test could be nothing alike.  For example, in our homework they are whole numbers and we are to do foil to solve it, but on the test she will put fractions in it when we never did fractions using foil.  This makes two strikes against us that could cause us to fail to give the right answer on that problem.  One because it does not look right to know how to do the problem, and two we could know the procedure to give the right answer, but do not because of the numbers she chose to use in the problem.  She is teaching a fundamental math class, to me that means elementary level math. That means when we leave her class room to go to the next level we understand the procedures to do the problems.  Then in basic college math you go beyond knowing the procedures and learn how to give the right answer even with more complex problems.  In my opinion knowing and understanding math is not what makes you a good teacher.  She can not relate to her students to know how to teach them.  Not only does she try to give more complicated problems which doesn?t say anything about if we know and understand the concept of how to do the problem.  She also gave questions that were not even taught yet.  Two prime examples of that was factoring and Polynomials that are not Polynomials because they have a negative exponent number in it.  Since it is not taught until intermediate algebra, I don?t even know what the problem is then called.  Also, in the pretest she has us do the problem one way then in the test she wants us to do something entirely different.  For example, (x-2)(x+3) > 0 in the home work we were to give a symbolic and interval notation answer.  On the pretest she says she wants an inequality answer.  That means you never get a practice problem on the right procedure to give the right answer on that particular math problem.  Now that I know how she teaches and how she gives pretests and math tests I see why I have struggled this whole semester. To sum it all up, in my opinion, this teacher needs to be teaching a higher level math class not a class room of students who do not even have the basic foundation of the math problems yet.  Knowing and understanding the concepts of math yourself is not what makes you a good math teacher, in my opinion.  When you have an over 50% failure rate in your class; than you obviously failed to teach.

Please by all means correct me if I am wrong.  I would love to hear from you.

I want to say that I do not mind being disappointed.  I don?t' mind when someone is not able to show, when they say they were going to.  It is when they don't tell me, or tell me why, that is what hurts.  It is when someone says they will help me, and then never return a call.  An explanation as to why they do not help me, that is what eats away at me.   

Okay I was thinking, yes I am always thinking, maybe the reason I can not get anyone to help me with math is because you think I am a lost cause.  I mean let?s face it if I don?t get it by now I am never going to get it.  I got a B on my very first test, and we were not allowed to use a calculator.  That was also without any foundation.  Now I have a foundation, so it is definitely easier.  The problem is the way this teacher teaches.  She talks to us as if we are mathematician; she uses words that unless you are familiar with the terms you wouldn?t know.  To make matters worse she gives all these notes without showing us any problems, so we have no frame of reference to understand what the heck she is talking about, so that is two strikes against me right there.  Here is an example paragraph that is notes she has given us.

The solution to the inequality is going to be one side of the line.  To determine which side, select a point on one side of the line.  It doesn?t matter which side you choose.  Substitute this point into the original inequality if it gives a true statement, shade that side as it is the solution (answer).  If it gives a false statement shade the opposite side which is the answer.

Now when you are racing trying to keep up with her writing on the board and always standing in the way from being able to see, then add that to not having any reference to what the heck she is talking about.  You have no reference because she has not done what she is talking about yet.  Now I know that what she is saying is you choose a point find out what the X number is and the Y number is and then plug it into the equation to see if it gives a true statement.  If not, you shade the opposite of the line.  I know this because I went to the support center.  In there I find out that it doesn?t even have to be that complicated.  It is just a matter of seeing which direction the sign is going from the Y if it is Y< you shade in the bottom half if it is Y> then you shade it the top half.  My question is why didn?t she just say that instead of doing all these extra steps?  She said one she wants us to see we don?t know this stuff.  If I thought I knew I wouldn?t be sitting in the class.  She then said I wanted you to come to realize that by doing the problems and see the patterns.  Now here is why I like this site.  I do not do anything I am not told to do.  If I am told you have to do it this way than that is exactly what I do and I do not deviate from that.  She wants us to plug in numbers and solve the problem to get the two points to graph.  Then plug in the last one to test the points to know which side to shade in.  When I went to the tutor she wondered why she had me do so many steps.  When there was such an easier way to do it. For instance, Y< 2x + 1 so I would start at one on the Y axis and then go up two, and over one and I could do that as many times as I need.   My teacher?s way I am solving the problem three times.  My tutor?s way I am not solving the problem at all.  The problem I have had is when I had to move the x to the other side and it was just X.  Which means it became negative, but what I didn?t realize is it is either the top or bottom that becomes negative not both.  I know enough to refresh someone?s memory, but not enough to figure out what is wrong when I am trying to solve the problem.  It is the little details that I am getting confused on not the whole problem.  My teacher doing everything the hard way and not explaining it all doesn?t help.  I have twice gone to her office to show her that she did not show us how to do certain problems yet.  The last time it was something she said we would learn next semester then was going to give us homework that required us to understand that step to do the homework she was going to give us.  I always try to learn what she will be teaching us before I get to class, so that what she says makes some kind of since.  Since my teacher in the support center is not really a teacher she also doesn?t think of all the little things that can come up while working the problems.  I hate it when I get home start doing the homework and then find out there is a situation that wasn?t explained that is in the homework.  My Professor loves to make situations like that happen in class and then tell us to solve it knowing we can?t.  I notice it right away that she didn?t explain it.  The rest of the class sits there trying to solve it until I explain why it can be done.  Then they say well I thought I knew how to do it until she brought up questions.  I said, yes, now you not only have to remember the right way, but not confuse it with what you thought was how to do it.  I can do this, I just need the little details reinforced.

Well, the guy I wish was in my life will have nothing to do with me.  Two other people who offered to help me with math have not only refused to help me, but will not even tell me why they will not help me.  If anyone figures out why that is, please, please tell me.  I am not a mind reader although I wish I was more than ever now.  

I recently had a guy offer to come over and clean my place.  At first I shrugged him off mainly because he said he was muscular.  Then he sent me a picture and asked yet again.  I then thought about it felt, okay this might work, less chance of him intimidating me if he is a sub.  Yes I considered the possibility that he might be lying, but we talked on the phone a few times and I felt comfortable about it.  He was to meet me to help me with my math because he just finished school and studied a great deal in math.  He told me he had tricks to help him learn it and would be glad to share it with me.  Well when the time came to meet me he didn?t show and he didn?t even have his phone on for me to call him.  He said it was because we didn?t set an exact time to meet, but that I could punish him for not showing.  The next time with an exact time to meet he didn?t show yet again.  He never did give an excuse and never did message me even after reading my emails of frustration over the situation.   I had every intention of punishing him.  When he didn?t show I thought okay the punishment will be after he helps me that he will never see me again.  When more time went by the punishment was that I would get his help over the phone and then never see him.  To now it is I don?t care if I ever here from him again.  I now understand why Doms give up meeting submissive?s.  Dom?s are as much as a human being with feelings as anyone else.  To stand them up is beyond wrong and you don?t deserve to ever meet a Dom if you do that to try and insure that you get your kink out of it. 

            I have several Doms that I can call and know they will always pick up the phone.  I know they will because they know I will never take advantage of the privilege I have of being able to call them.  They know that if I call them it is because I truly need their help at that moment.  It could be because I am stressed out driving downtown and lost yet again.  It is because I need people that I hate who I am.  Most people need someone for companionship or sex.  I need people because I am scared or lost or inexperience and don?t know what I am doing or how to go about doing something. 

            I understand that there are a lot of people here because they can?t get sex by more traditional means.  I also know that for some it is just to get pain mixed in with the sex, and that is not something they can get by more traditional means.  Then there are those whose brains are so warped that they could never live in the real world with a real relationship because they have trumped up such an unrealistic way of thinking; that is so far from reality that it would be impossible for them to be in any relationship longer than a weekend.  Those I think I feel sorry for the most and possibly the ones I would like to reach the most.  Then there are those who truly need people to get through the day sometimes.  Everyone is not on here for the same reason, so do not assume that you can get your fantasy fulfilled by a certain person.  Just because that is who you want to fulfill that need.

            It is wrong for someone to offer to help someone and then not follow through because they want to be punished.  We are human beings before we are anything else.  It is wrong to tell a Dom you will meet them at a specific time and then never call telling them you?re not going to be able to make it.  To have them wait their for hours or to tell them your going to meet them for dinner and will call shortly and then never call; causing them not to get something to eat because they expect you to call at any moment to meet them for dinner.  I now understand what Doms go through when they want me to reassure them that I will do what I said I would do.  I now understand better why they call asking me if I will be meeting them at the time I said I would.  That is why I call them, and verify that I will be there. 

Often I am hearing guys say that I get it when so many other submissives don't.  So I am wondering what if all of you guys direct them to my profile.  All of you guys seem to do nothing, but agree with me for the most part; either that or correct me on my grammar.  Thank you very much!  No, no Sir no sarcasm there, total sincerity.

Anyways the way I look at it; since you guys seem to do nothing but agree with me.  Maybe I would actually get some arguments and we both could talk about, I mean learn something from each other.  Her and I, not, her and I about you guys.  I think it?s been a little too long; I tend to get mouthy when it has.  Not to mention I just got off my period.  See there are advantages to being single.  Right now you get to just close a web site, think if you had to deal with someone like me daily.  Okay before all of you spam me with, ?I would just put you over my knee line.?  I get it; which is the problem, I?m not.  I just love contradiction in terms that still makes since.  It?s just so like me.

  I like not knowing what will happen.   Hair pulling has nothing to do with my interest in bdsm.  It is just an example. Do not read more into what I write here that is meant to be.  One of the biggest reasons I do not like to give exampleas is because people try to read way to much into what I say.  I have no desire to have my hair pulled the whole time I am with someone.  I doubt I would say anything to the person if he did though.  It is about him and what he wants to do.  I might tell him what I did or didn't like after the fact.  In great detail, so he knows more about me for he next time we are together.  You?re never going to know exactly what to do to me, by asking me what I do or don't like.  If I were to do that then you?re doing everything to please me and that means you missed the point of bdsm.  We have to be compatible and that means I enjoy what you like to do.  Not you learn how to adapt to what I like.  That is not to say there isn't some of that, down the road.  I want someone who is confident in himself enough to take charge and do what he wants to do.  He needs to be willing to take the risks.  That means going slow and feeling me out.  How is she going to react if I do this?  That means not diving into it full force.  It means you have to take your time and read a person through body language and breathing.  I am not going to give anyone a list of things I will or will not do.  I would not limit myself or my Master in that way.  That is not what bdsm is about.  It is about getting to know each other through trial and error.  It means taking your time and talking more than doing.  So many people are just to much in a hurry today.  You don't get to skip parts to get to the fun stuff.  For the fun stuff to last you have to get to know the person you are with.  You don't get to know a person by saying, so will you do this?  Everyone is different and unique, so how they do things is going to be slightly different and unique from how someone else does that samething.  So just because you did something with one person doesn't mean either of you will enjoy doing that with this new person.  I don't understand why that concept is so difficult for people to understand. 

You can talk about doing something till the cows come home.  That doesn't mean your going to like doing it.  I will give you an example.  I talked to a guy once about bdsm.  He had a very dominant personality so I told him he had potential.  He was aroused by the idea of spanking a women?s bottom.  I tried to warn him though that talking about it is nothing like doing it.  When he finally had the opportunity to do it, he liked it, until I whispered in his ear that he could hit harder if he wished.  That was it, I was to weird and way to out there for him.  Suddenly reality wasn?t fantasy and he realized the difference.  I am sure what ever fun erotic image he had of spanking someone was, it wasn't near as much fun as it was before he had the opportunity to really do it.  That is what I am trying to get across.  You don't know how you?re going to really feel about doing something with someone until you put yourself in that situation and doing it.  You can't take one thing I say and then run with just that one information.   I could careless if my hair is pulled or not.  It is strictly an example of how one person doing something can be very different than someone else doing something.  It has nothing to do with what I like and don't like.  I could careless what you want to do with me it is the fact that you are doing what you want to do to me that I love.  That is what someone wants who wishes to please.  Yes I am still human and my thoughts should be considered.  I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't take my feelings into consideration, my feelings both mentally as well as physically.  So the person I am with would need to go slow and take his time.  Because NIETHER of us know how I am going to feel about what he does.  It is not my place to tell him what he can and can't do.  It is however his place to take my feelings; emotionally and physically into consideration in what he does. 

From my private journalOctober 29, 2002 How are family grew and the problems with it.  
   
I had a good life growing up very spoiled.  There was very little I wanted that I didn?t get.  But for some reason I wasn?t happy.  I had a play house from a camper top my dad turned into a play house.  It had carpet, lights, windows a screen door and porch.  I had so many toys in my room that I had another room just for toys that over flowed my bedroom.   I felt so ungrateful and sometimes my mom even told me I was ungrateful.  I once told Rhonda, my best friend, that I would give up everything I had.  For my mom to love me the way I loved her.  I knew my mom loved me, but it just wasn?t right, something was wrong.  No matter what I did she always seemed to find fault in what I did.  No matter how hard I tried to be good she always found fault.  
   
I remember going to this girls house Leslie.  She lived in a trailer park and her bedroom had linoleum floors, it was so empty and dreary.  There was so little to do it seemed to me.  Then she came to my room with so many toys and a TV, radio, record player everything a little girl could want and more.  She picked on me from then on and use to get girls together to try and beat me up.  Why didn?t she understand that if we had remained friends?  I would have shared what I had with her.  She could have come over to my house after school instead.  Then I could have told her that she had something that I didn?t.  Then I could have told her that I would have given up all that I had for a mom who loved me like her mom loved her.  I felt so bad for her because she did not realize what she had.  
   
One of my fondest memories was how good the house smelled when I would come home from school.  My mom was always baking chocolate chip cookies for me and peanut butter cookies for my dad.  If she wasn?t making that then she was making cherry pies and pumpkin pie for my dad.  I wished everyone had a mom like that especially my mom.  
   
I remember my grandma Laurence once asked me.  Why is your mother so hard on you?  I smiled and said; because she wants me to grow up to be a good person grandma.  She doesn?t want me to grow up and make the same mistakes she did.  She loves me.  She doesn?t feel like she is being a good mother unless she disciplines me.  Mothers who care discipline their children and are there for them.  They don?t spend all there time in a bar ignoring the children they have at home.  She knew that because of all the restrictions put on her when she would stay at here at her dad?s.  It was always all or nothing in her life.  Either they cared too much and went overboard or they didn?t care at all and left all the responsibility on her.  
   
My mom always wanted to have more children and when she couldn?t.  I think she felt she was being punished by God for the way she had me.  A doctor didn?t catch that she had an infection and it caused her to have two tubular pregnancies.  The first time they caught it pretty early.  The damage unfortunately was done to her tube and was no longer useable.  The second time the doctor who should have taken care of her was convinced she was farther along than she said she was.  So he just kept saying you?re going to have this baby any minute now and all the pain will be over.  She tried to tell him that it was too soon and that the baby wouldn?t make it.  He just knew she was wrong.  Her stomach looked full term but that was because she was bleeding to death.  He said you would be in a lot more pain if something was wrong.  He did not know my mom and how much pain she could take or why.  Any pain she had I think she felt she deserved and the rest I think she could block out.  I don?t think she even realized she does it.  I think she felt that she was a bad person for the way she had me, for the way she was as a child.  It is not something you consciously think about every minute of the day, but it is does effect how you deal with situations especially bad ones.  It is how you get through them without even realizing it.  You find strength you didn?t know you had because you have been through so much already.  The next morning when her real doctor came in, he rushed her to the emergency room.  She lost a lot of blood and they had to give her a blood transfusion.  When she told me this I felt so bad for her, because I knew how much she wanted to have kids.  She so wanted to have a large family and they would have grown up knowing their father unlike me.  Now that both of her tubes were destroyed she couldn?t.  Later in life a doctor told her that since both tubes were destroyed.  There was no point in leaving everything else in her.  So it was removed supposedly for her benefit.  She went through a great depression feeling like an it.  All hope of having children and her dignity of feeling like a woman was taken from her.  If all had not been removed she could have had a baby after all.  They did not know how advanced medicine would become back then.  It angers her to think about and me as well.  Some doctors can be so callous to the feeling of a woman.  What harm did it really do in leaving everything where it was anyways?  They just don?t always take into consideration the emotional side of a person.  I guess that is how they deal with what they see and have to deal with every day.  
   
My mom found a way around it all.  She became a foster parent and felt like she was making a difference.  Through being a foster parent she knew eventually she could be able to adopt.  It was hard sometimes because we would get attached to them and then they would leave.  She finally did adopt a girl 5 years younger than me and her brother 10 years younger than me.  There were 8 in all if I recall.  Three lived a half hour away in Jackson a nice couple adopted them.  Their dad was a cop.  Talk about your emotional problems they had them big time.  BJ who we adopted was named after a brother who had died.  We changed his name when we adopted him, but kept the same initials.  So we could continue to call him by the name he was use to, since he was three when we got him.  The social workers had gone to the house many times before they even realized he was there.  He had a list a mile long of physical problems do to being left in a crib most of his first year of life with sour milk.  Shelly was the oldest of them all, so a lot of the responsibility was left to her.  One of her brother?s never got over the abuse that his parents inflicted on him, like forcing him to have sex with his sister while his dad watched.  So one day he took his dad?s gun that was a cop and killed him self.  I will never understand how parents can hurt the ones they brought into the world so badly.  I am sure how they were treated had a lot to do with it.  But how did the abuse start to begin with?  
   
I thought it would be nice to have a sister to grow close to and talk to.  But it never seemed to happen that way.  She had her share of emotional problems as well.  My mom didn?t help with that much either.  With my mom?s low self esteem and Shelly?s low self esteem.  They just didn?t get along.  Shelly seemed to create more problems for her self than anything.  The older she got the worse things got.  My grandma asked me why my mom was so hard on Shelly.  I told her my mom was hard on all of us.  She just seemed to decide that day was the day all her attention was on her.  I said; next time we come it might be BJ.  It may sound cold but the rest of us were just glad it wasn?t us for a change.  The rest of us just tried to keep a low profile so we were not next.  Sure enough next time we went to grandmas, BJ was the one who got all her attention.  I asked grandma; do you really think BJ is that much worse than last time?  That suddenly Shelly is this perfect little angel?  No she just decided it is BJ she was going to put all her energy in to this time.  I think my mom?s, mom was like that too.  I guess we should have considered ourselves special or lucky that she cared so much.  That she wanted to give us extra attention but for some reason we were happy not to be noticed.  Having a sense of humor growing up didn?t hurt either.  
   
I remember when my grandma died and I went to the funeral.  I was sitting on the couch in the corner watching and listening.  All the people who had not seen each other in forever talked.  This one older guy says who is the girl in the corner?  My aunt Rae says; Oh you know her that?s Linda?s daughter Tammy.  Oh okay I hardly recognized her.  Then my cousin Connie blurts out very loudly; yeah it?s hard to recognize her without Linda yelling at her all the time.  Everyone burst out laughing and I was just in shock.  I didn?t think anyone knew how my mom was except my grandma.  I just smiled.  I didn?t know what to say.  Then I went in and checked on my mom.  To see if she heard, because I knew that would have hurt her feelings if she heard her say that.  She didn?t though, she was busy talking and being center of attention in the kitchen.  I was glad and relieved.  
   
I have to wonder if my telling my life to my therapist makes him and everyone else assume that I must be the same way since she raised me.  If you have a rotten mother than you must be one too, the best gift I feel I could give my mother is to be a better mother than she was to stop the cycle.  I know I did that until my husband; attorney?s, therapists and judge stopped me and allowed him to lie to our children.  No one can comprehend that my husband would do what he has done in the name of money.  He plays the victim while I get victimized.  I refuse to be a victim and not allowed to stop him from causing our girls from being a victim.  So they continue to not learn or get an education because he doesn?t give a shit. 

If you don?t expect much then you are not disappointed when you don?t get much.  Before I was born my mom was given money by my father.  He told her here is 150 dollars to get rid of it.  Obviously that is not what she did with the money.  I think she still owes the doctor who delivered me 450 dollars.  I was never able to meet him or thank him for erasing her debt to him, or able to let him see what a great person I turned out to be.  I eventually got to meet my father though.  He verified that everything my mom had said was true.  He did say however that he didn?t hate children.  I then said; ?just me.?  He said; ?I didn?t know you, so how could I hate you.?  I said; ?Nor did you take the time to get to know me.?  He said; ?I didn?t even know if your mom even told you about me or that you were adopted or if she even married.?  I said; ?Oh she told me about you alright.  She told me about you; So that I didn?t get hurt by men like you who use women.?  He did admit that he did see her as an easy lay.  That is what my mother told me when I was very young.  That he used her.

My mom did get married.  They are still together today.  In spite of all the hard times, I think the hard times just made them stronger.  My grandmother felt my dad could have done better.  My dad still loved her.  My mom is not always the easiest person to love.  I remember one time when my dad was on strike.  He was unable to provide for us the way he always had.  He went out and got drunk.  He came home and sat in the chair and my mom went off on him for an hour.  When my mom was all done yelling at him for getting drunk yet again.  My dad says with a big goofy grin on his face slurred voice and all; ?So does this mean I don?t get a kiss goodnight??  That just started my mom ranting all over again.  The next morning when he had a horrible hangover.  my mom says over and over again want another drink? Shall I get you another drink?  My mom was always good at saying just the right thing at just the right time.  My dad rarely ever raised his voice.  But when he did it was like a volcano going off.  He would get so loud you would think he was going to break glass.  Then he would get to slamming doors so hard pictures would fall.  It didn?t phase my mom in the least.  She would just yell louder; ?THAT?S OKAY YOU?RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO FIX IT!  In spite of all the hard times they are still together today.  They now have their dream mobile home and travel the country side together.  If it is one thing my parents are it is what and how love should be.  Like a rock steady and true.  I am glad my dad is retired and they are able to travel together.

I can not ever remember being close to my dad.  We would rascal on the floor until my dad got to rough and then I would go upstairs crying.  Eventually my mother would always warn me your going to eventually get hurt and then run upstairs crying.  But I still did it.  I remember one time in the dead of winter.  Going out to the garage to help my dad sand a car he was getting ready to paint.  That water would be so cold I thought my fingers were going to crystallize.  My fingers would burn so bad as I put that wet sandpaper against the car.  I would rub and rub and rub until it was as smooth as a baby?s bottom.  I did it hoping to get to know my dad.  I did it to be close to him, as well as to get closer to him.  I always thought he went out there just to get away from my mom.  I am sure that was part of it, but I also think he took a great deal of pride in his work.  Everything had to be just so.  I think he was a bit of a perfectionist as well.  But we never did talk and I never really did get to know him.  I always thought he was a bit on the dumb side until I got married.  That is when I realized through my husband telling me about their conversations.  That he really was a pretty smart man.  He just wasn?t someone who wanted to get to know me.  Maybe it was because I wasn?t his real daughter.  Even though I felt he was my real dad.

My husband found my father for me.  I then had the option to have my father or my dad walk me down the isle.  I told my dad that I wanted him to do it.  I told him anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad.  I then told him that was what he was.  Someone special, therefore who better to walk me down the isle.  I think that is the first and only time I saw my dad emotional.  When we walked to where I was getting married it was probably the only time I felt connected to him.  I can?t say I have ever felt connected to him since.

If you don?t expect much then you are never disappointed.  Then whatever you do get is that much more special. 

My Master of ten years eventually no longer had time for me.  I eventually learned to accept that.  I can honestly say I learned to adjust and adapt.  Then situations change and it was no longer enough.  I always thought my husband would always be there for me.  Like my dad was always there for my mom.  Just because a man is insecure doesn?t mean he will always know he needs you.  Then by the time he does realize it.  You can no longer need him.  Too much damage is done too much time has gone by.  The trust is no longer there.  How can you ever be close to someone again who put someone else first?  Being the best that you can be doesn?t guarantee you anything.  The best that you can do is be content with what you are given and accept what you are not.  Then hope in it getting better.

Just venting feel free to ignore me



My girls are finally getting along more often. They created away messages for their cell phones then called their aunt to listen to them. I love it when I hear them giggling together.



My youngest tells me that all the popular kids say your a geek if you don't go see a movie at night. I told her that your stupid to throw away money just because you have it. That is not teaching you how to budget in the least.



Popular kids were stupid when I went to school and they haven't gotten any smarter over time. I went to school in a very small town where everyone knew everyone and there was not another school around for at least a half hour drive. I can remember the girls crying in the girls bathroom. This guys now going out with my best girl friends other girl friend. Now I am stuck in the middle. Then this guy is now dating my best friend. The next week everyone is back with their original boy friends. Only for it to start all over again the following week. Now I am thinking there is not enough guys or girls for them to do anything but date each other. They are not mature enough to stay with anyone for any length of time. So why are they making such a production of it. I just found it all to be so ridiculous. My girl friend that I knew before school started. Always wanted to be one of the popular girls. I never could under stand why. When she finally made it into the in crowd by ninth grade. I was happy for her. She came up to me and said she could get me in to, if I wanted. I told her thank you but no thanks. That I was happy for her, but that I was happy with the friends I had. My friends were sincere, loyal, not a phony thing about them. They were not the prettiest nor did their parents have a lot of money. Notice I said parents not them. But you could tell them something and know they would not use it to stab you in the back. You could ask them something and they would give you a sincere honest answer. Those are the friends I wanted then and now.



I think some people just don't realize there is any other way. With chaos in their homes they create chaos in their own lives. Anything else I think would make them uncomfortable. Which is why I think some people look for bdsm. It is the closest to normal for them without the chaos added from childhood. Their is no other relationship with more honesty and openness then a bdsm one.



Comments are welcome and encouraged