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Cotard's Delusion
As defined by various websites, Cotard's Delusion is a rare mental disorder in which the afflicted feels as though he or she is dead.
Several weeks ago, I witnessed a co-worker going through an extraordinarily hard time. For days I would see her teary-eyed and exhausted. She would break down into crying fits at a moment's notice. I felt a great amount of empathy for her, from a distance, without letting her know. I thought about her quite a bit. Even when not at work, I would remember her eyes. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, I felt jealousy.
In a moment of self-realization and weakness, I knew that in the past five days this woman, with whom I was only acquainted with, was feeling more emotion than I had experienced in the past five years. I had become numb, emotionally ramshackle, and - quite possibly - categorically dead.
This was a painful conclusion. I had felt sort of rotted for some time but was never fully capable of understanding why. In seeing another human truly feel something, I could no longer remember the last time I felt anything. Like, any little, minuscule, insignificant thing.
When I was a child I used to walk in my sleep. I still do, actually. The difference lies in whether or not I am asleep. Some days I pinch my arm or bang a leg against the banister of a set of stairs. The pain reminds me that I am awake and living and supposed to be accomplishing this or that, paying bills, seeing friends, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. The fact remains, though, that I am not really alive. I go through motions, doing what people do.
Exploring the BDSM lifestyle is part of my journey to rediscover the act of living. I'm on a hunt, tracking down emotions and stimulation and connection. Self-discovery is ultimate; the only activity I'm currently interested in. I have to find the grave my heart has been buried in and dig it out. |
