Cotard's Delusion

As defined by various websites, Cotard's Delusion is a rare mental disorder in which the afflicted feels as though he or she is dead.

Several weeks ago, I witnessed a co-worker going through an extraordinarily hard time.  For days I would see her teary-eyed and exhausted.  She would break down into crying fits at a moment's notice.  I felt a great amount of empathy for her, from a distance, without letting her know.  I thought about her quite a bit.  Even when not at work, I would remember her eyes. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, I felt jealousy.

In a moment of self-realization and weakness, I knew that in the past five days this woman, with whom I was only acquainted with, was feeling more emotion than I had experienced in the past five years.  I had become numb, emotionally ramshackle, and - quite possibly - categorically dead.

This was a painful conclusion.  I had felt sort of rotted for some time but was never fully capable of understanding why.  In seeing another human truly feel something, I could no longer remember the last time I felt anything.  Like, any little, minuscule, insignificant thing.

When I was a child I used to walk in my sleep.  I still do, actually.  The difference lies in whether or not I am asleep.  Some days I pinch my arm or bang a leg against the banister of a set of stairs.  The pain reminds me that I am awake and living and supposed to be accomplishing this or that, paying bills, seeing friends, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.  The fact remains, though, that I am not really alive.  I go through motions, doing what people do.

Exploring the BDSM lifestyle is part of my journey to rediscover the act of living.  I'm on a hunt, tracking down emotions and stimulation and connection.  Self-discovery is ultimate; the only activity I'm currently interested in.  I have to find the grave my heart has been buried in and dig it out.