dazedNconfused

Male Switch, 40, Richmond, Virginia

Female Submissive, 22, Northern ireland

Male Submissive, 36, MANCHSTER

Question for the day: why the hell can't i just do as i am told to do? Why is this such a difficult thing for me? Just when i think i am making headway and growing, i assume. One would think that i would know better by now. He told me to go pick up three movies. W/we were supposed to have company this weekend starting tonight, but the person isn't coming until tomorrow. i assumed that He wanted the movies to watch tonight for the three of U/us while He unwound from working. SO, i just picked up one movie because the movies would have to be returned by 7 tomorrow and i thought that He would want the movies for at least as long as O/our guest was staying. When will i learn?

Wow! It amazes me the difference a couple of days can make. I made the decision that any fear or trust issues that i was having, were my issues. i had to learn to get it under control. Was it just that easy? Hell NO it wasn't! i have a long ways to go yet. i have made the first steps in the right direction though. i have to say, it feels damn good to know that i am getting back on the right path.

So here is my second journal entry. What to do........His question: how much do you want me? Reply: Very, very much. His Question: enough to endure anything? Reply: i will try.....XXXXXXXX obviously the wrong answer. So what do i do when my heart and body wants to scream with all of its might..........YES! I WILL ENDURE ANYTHING FOR YOU....................but your mind says.....ARE YOU FREAKING( censored by CM) CRAZY??????? and you find that no matter how much you want to let your heart and body do the responding, you just can't seem to get past the fear. Is it the fear of the unknown or is it fear of the known? Is it fear of the pain or the fear that you will let Him down once again by begging for His mercy when you just can't take anymore? Then the nagging questions start to take root...........have i made a mistake with the choice of this lifestyle? have i made such a mistake that it is not only going to cost you dearly, but innocent ones involved in this as well? Can you live with him as his vanilla life and know that He will be seeking His lifestyle and enjoying with another? Oh what to do, what to do...........

Well, this is my first journal entry here. i belong to a man that i adore and love beyond measure. He is the first man that i have given my all to. i held nothing back from Him. i allowed walls of defense that i had spent a lifetime building for my protection to be torn down. It has left me exposed and vulnerable. With that exposure came insecurity like i have never known before. The realization that this man could devastate me like no other before Him shook me to my very core. i sincerely hope that my trust has not been misguided.

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