darqkitty

This will be a very short entry. I just wanted everyone to know I appreciate the kind words and encouragement I have received over the past couple of months. Unfortunately, things seem to have gone down hill for me. I still do not have a job, and haven't even been getting any interviews lately. I am working on getting unemployment set up while I continue to look. I have pretty well exhausted all of my own as well as my immediate families funds for helping. I am not sure what is going to happen from here. I have also lost my internet connection. The network I had been connecting to no longer connects to the internet, so I am now connecting through friends. If you would like to send a message please feel free to do so however, I am currently in an open D/s relationship so please take that into consideration while writing your message. I think that is all for now, not sure when I will write again, but will try to more often

Well, it's been a few days. I have been through an incredible journey in just the past couple of days. I am now living alone and for the first time ever, I am not scared or lonely. I spent the entire day today cleaning my house and am really proud of myself for how good it looks and smells. I have a few friends now who have really been helping me discover who I am and what I want, both out of life and out of this lifestyle. I think I feel better about myself than I ever have before. I have not yet met anyone, although Saturday I am going to a local munch. Hopefully soon I will meet one particular person. I think that is all for now. I need a shower and some food, and then will spend the evening relaxing in my clean house.

hmm....where to start? Husband is moving out today, my decision was made for me. An act I both admire tremendously and fear almost as much. I think he understands I need time to figure out who I am. This is for the best of both of us, but I am sure it will take some getting used to. I will have my own transportation by tomorrow hopefully, and will soon have a job (fingers crossed). I can feel the massive weight that has been pressing down on me beginning to lift and think I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel...I only hope it's not a train. My mother has been extremely generous and offered to pay the registration on my vehicle, some of my bills and buy me some food, so I will be well taken care of in my time of transition. One (or more) less worry is always a plus. She is also coming up to see me sometime soon and will be taking me to a local college to enroll in some classes. This scares me slightly as I have no idea what I will study and fear I will be wasting her money. She thinks I will still be able to get scholarship money and financial aid although I have been out of school for 4 years. We will see. There is more I would like to say, but at this point I think I will keep my mouth shut, or my fingers still as the case may be. But I am extremely excited about this last subject and hope it works out well for all parties involved :-)

I feel the need to clarify some things on here. I have finally slept and feel a little better. If you write me a message and I don't respond within a day, please don't continue sending messages...chances are I won't respond to those either. I am currently just trying to explore and discover, and I know many of you mean well, but I am not looking for anything serious right now. I have been debating on whether to mention this next part or not because it sounds really selfish, but I am not attracted to anyone over the age of 30, so please don't message me unless it's for friendship only. I do appreciate (most) of the advice on my marital situation, but please don't message me if you don't have anything nice to say. I really don't care. I realize a few of my posts have made me seem very weak and vulnerable. Although I am very sub, I am not someone who simply submits to everyone. Do not think you can walk all over me just because I'm a sub. I do know how to stand up for myself and will if you make me uncomfortable. Well, there's my rant for the day LOL

well, I have been up 23 hours and counting. It has been an interesting "day". It's amazing how much you can learn when you have nothing but time. My brain is slowly starting to shut down and I am hoping sleep comes soon. I want to thank the people who have been helping me. Without you, I fear I would still be quite lost.

so...I have been thinking all day about this journal entry. Trying to figure out how to say what I want to say. I suppose the method isn't nearly as important as the actual meaning, but somehow it matters to me. I have discovered something today. It both scares me and thrills me at the same time. The past day or so, really since I found this site and made the mistake of telling hubby about it, he has been trying to act more dom. And it's not working. He doesn't understand how much I am into the lifestyle, how far I want to take it. He seems to think it's just all about the sex for me, and I don't think it is anymore. The more I discover and learn, the more I realize what I truly want. I want to be a slave. Someday I hope to find a master who I will be perfect for. Someone long term who I can live with as a pet. I know that day is a long ways away, but it still excites me. Unfortunately, hubby could never be that for me. That is not his personality. I have always had to be the one to make the decisions, make the plans, pretty much be the dominant one. I have never liked it, but thought it was the only way. I don't think that is something that could be changed. I feel very lost and confused right now, regardless of the progress I have made in the past couple of days. I know it hasn't been very long since I started, but since I sit her by myself all day typically, I have a lot of time to think. I need to decide what to do about hubby. I know what I want and I know what he wants, and I don't see how they will ever 'mesh' together. At the same time though, part of me feels very selfish for thinking of separating. I know it would break his heart and I don't want to do that. I feel so horrible right now, so torn.

I updated my profile to include the blurb about me. It felt good to finally get that off my chest. I have discovered I really only have one person that has the slightest clue who I am, and sadly, it's not my husband. I think this journal will be a good way for me to think. I have always been somewhat of a writer, so I really think having someplace I can write will help me throughout my adventures.

I am awake. I have found a few people that I already know a little and would like to know more as well as a few that I would just like to get to know. I am wondering how all of this will work out.

So I wrote a journal entry earlier, but (thankfully) was reminded of my casing. As I mentioned before, I am very inexperienced. I am not sure if that journal entry is still there, I forgot to check, but I had to change my name too. The first entry basically said that I am new the site and the community, I'm inexperienced, and I really don't know what I am looking for, I just hope I know it when I find it.

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