Darkteacherdom

Fair warning:  I absolutely HATE liars.  I'm honest, and I expect honesty from you.  If I find you're a liar, I will call you on it.  If I find you're a scammer, I'll report you.  I have no time for liars, thieves, and con artists and am smart enough to recognize your games fairly swiftly.

On being a Dominant vs. being an uncultured jerk:

Over the years, I have noticed something, especially on this site.  Many newcomers to the site and the lifestyle have a grave misconception.  They look for qualities in a Dominant which are not the qualities of a Dominant.  I'm speaking, of course, about things like unreasonable rage, abusive mentality, and a habit of making unreasonable demands of people who have no reason nor inclination to accept said demands.  To many on the outside, this seems like the way that BDSM is, but to the experienced practitioner on either side, it's clear that these people are nothing more than posers.

Being a Dominant is a position which requires leadership and intelligence.  Not just anyone can do it.  Most who claim this title are really just sexual predators who don't know the first thing about what it takes to be a Dom.  Over the next few paragraphs, I will outline a few rather important qualities that any sub should look for in a Dom, and some warning signs that the person the sub is talking to is not a Dom.  Understand that posers can be dangerous, and not in that fun but scary way you're looking for.  They're ineptitude will cause them to make foolish mistakes which can put your life and health at risk.

When seeking a Dominant, note that while they are forceful and demanding at times, those demands generally come off sounding more like firm requests.  They alert you to what they want, clearly expect to get it, but don't feel the need to threaten you to get it.  They feel that the punishment is implied if you disobey and they don't need to tell you every detail.  They assume that if you disobey, it's because you want a punishment and they're not afraid to doll it out in spades.

A Dom does not shout and scream and throw tantrums.  He isn't childish.  That would defeat the purpose.  A Dom does not need to threaten you to get his way.  When he gives an order or even makes a request, he simply expects it to be done.  He knows that if you are submissive, you will recognize the natural authority in his manner and obey.  If you don't, he doesn't grow enraged, most likely the attitude you'll receive is disappointment.

A Dom is intelligent.  Once again, this is not a position for just anyone.  A fool or an idiot cannot be a Dom.  One cannot teach and lead unless one has something to teach and experience to share.  The fool is easy to spot.  His messages will be full of grammatical errors, misspellings, and generally stupid comments which make no sense.  Sometimes, he will claim high intelligence or even that he is in a highly educated career field, (Doctor or Lawyer) but his words will reveal the truth.

A Dom is not always wealthy, but he has enough to take care of himself and to pay for the things necessary to achieve his desires.  He doesn't need your money to survive and won't ask for "gifts" in order for you to serve.  He understands that your service is the gift you are giving.  Any one, male or female, who demands a gift in exchange for their Dominance is not a Dom.  They are a prostitute.  While I feel that prostitution is a perfectly respectable profession, it is not Dominance.

A Dominant is responsible and reliable.  They won't lie to you.  They have no need to lie.  They know what they want and expect it.  They know you have no reason to deny them what they want.

A Dominant is educated in some way.  This may not necessarily be college education, or even grade school, but they know how to do all the things that they're doing with you.  They have learned how to use the rope, whips, and toys that they will want to use on their sub.

A Dominant has an air of danger about them, but somehow still makes you feel safe.  This is not a thing you can teach, it's a natural aura that true Doms carry without effort.  A Dominant wants to educate you.  It's in his nature to instruct you and he craves this.

A Dominant knows the difference between discipline and abuse.  He recognizes that most people would never understand the subtle nuances that make the difference.  He doesn't punch or kick to feel like more of a man.  He is comfortable with who he is.  He knows how to show proper restraint, keeping you healthy even as he delivers pain in so many delicious ways.

A Dominant is not insecure, and doesn't need the approval of anyone to know he is a Dominant.  It's not something he wants to be, it's something that he is.  His Dominance is as much a part of him as his heart or lungs.  It's not an acquired taste or a fad for him.  He isn't just using it to get laid or paid.  He literally needs it to survive.  He is not playing a role, he is being himself.

Don't be confused by media portrayal of Doms, or by false expectations from pornos.  The guy who introduces himself by screaming at you to get on your knees and worship his cock is not a Dom.  The guy who introduces himself in chat speak claiming to be a doctor is not a Dom.  The woman who has a million toys and wants you to pay her in exchange for her work is not a Domme.  The person who believes that handcuffing you to the bed with fuzzy cuffs is proper restraints is not a Dom.  The person who doesn't understand what basic terms such as "TPE" or "age-play" mean is not a Dom.  The person who screams, shouts and intimidates to get his way is not a Dom.

Understand that I use the term "Dom" quite a bit in this article.  It is interchangeable with Domme.  Some of the things I said on here are unpopular and will make people angry, especially for Dominatrices who make their money by fooling poor subs into thinking that demanding a gift is appropriate.  If you're one of these people who are offended, so be it.  I won't apologize for telling the truth.  If you have any questions about any journal article I write, or just on BDSM in general, feel free to send it.

So, I was just listening to Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing," and noticed something that never occurred to me.  It very much sounds like something a good Dom might say:  "Take my love.  I'll never ask for to much:  Just all that you are and everything that you do."  Only a Dominant would feel like asking for everything isn't asking for too much. :P

My new favorite quote:

Antimony says, "Gentlemen, I don't demand to see your A game. But you should probably at least know where the playing field is located."