custardpowder

I was just thinking about when You pinned my nose, man did it bleed!!!
 

I lay there for an hour with you sitting lightly like a feather on my belly then I opened my eyes and nodded an almost invisible 'yes'. We had some serious eyecontact just then, that was your 2nd visit.
 

 
 

The first one? Well, that's an email ;)
 

 
 

We have experienced a LOT in the last 5 or so months (do you remember the date we first met? I don't).
 

 
 

And now it's turned into good old-fashioned S/M!
 

 
 

I am so much better than I was such a short time ago, having made decisions to eliminate the bullshit once and for all. That's natural process, I go so far, then *BAM* it gets frightened and scurries into the dark again.
 

 
 

But I have SOOOO much to do, You have taught me so much about things I don't have the words for, and in the turmoil I have had to work some things out that I never even knew about in myself at all. Thank you for that.
 

 
 

This is about as personal an entry as it gets.
 

 
 

Thanks for reading :)
1/3/2012 3:33:29 PM    
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Well, thank you to the eyes that have seen and the ears that have heard and yes, I have been unhappy, but I have, and always will, vocalise it, with legitimate reasons why, but for now, this drama is dormant and with respect, I would thank people for not disrespecting my Master, at least not in public. Manners are vital with me, and with Him too.
 

 
 

Our last meet was special, I wasn't in the frame for a lot of restraint but I had a go. We had a lot of humour and a lot of love.
 

 
 

We are, still, and I feel we always will be, in some way or other, how, even with our thoughts and actions, is out of our hands.
 

 
 

I'm thinking of relocation, although that won't happen tomorrow or next week or next month.
 

 
 

Thanks for reading, I'm always looking for new friends in our beautiful Community (oh, but I'm not soft!)
 

 
 

 
12/26/2011 2:32:15 PM    
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Well,
 

 
 

I see how I have moved in the last few months, and how I haven't moved at all.
 

 
 

I still have my mind, and I still want to give control to Him, even with the emotional turmoils of late.
 

 
 

I respectfully (as ever) totally disagree with His choice of playmate outside of us, and I am really struggling to accept it. I don't want to share Him in this way, I can share Him but not in this way. I don't want to see less of Him than I already do, in the general scheme of things.  I need to rest into Him and to bond and unify, something He has mentioned many many times and something I now understand.  I just really hope that this is, indeed, a new chapter for Him if He chooses to pursue it, which I feel He will, and not a continuation of the old one. I don't have the answer there.
 

 
 

I see Him tomorrow and I am nervous, for I plan to give myself.
 

 
 

That's my latest entry, thanks for reading :)
 

 
 

 
10/19/2011 10:56:13 PM    
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Tonight I'm fed up.
 

i miss you like crazy but I guess I need to realign... see things for the way they are.
 

I get clouded by my emotions at times, even though they are all and always real.
 

But i'm fed up with being slotted in when there is a bit of spare time. I need to get my A Levels done. this is Real life and this is the way it is (no capitals). this is going to be a long year if I'm not careful.
 

 
 

I can't stand the 24 hour desire, it's driving me insane.
 

 
 

I'm getting stuck into my studies and I have to accept this means a lot more to me than it does to you. That's fine, maybe it's even good. It's obviously sexual to you, maybe it should be to me too. I'm learning that I can't expect monogamy from you, your flirting tells me that.
 

 
 

I'm going to internalise a little and just have to deal with it.
 

 
 

I need to cry, on my own.
 

 
 

When you are here, I will have my hands and my very being all over you, but I need to detach here from there.
 

 
 

i guess these types of entries are a common occurance in this arena. for yes i love you badly.
10/17/2011 9:40:25 AM    
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How do I feel about this?
 

How do I feel about preparing myself for ownership?
 

How do I feel about laying my being open?
 

Is this just about the sex? Is it fuck! Sex is ten a penny, spread your legs and get it... pay for it and you get it for as long as you like.
 

This is my first entry, I've been up 24 hours and I didn't ask to write this entry, because I don't need to.
 

'You should start a journal'. Well, here it is.
 

The long and the short is that I fell for my Master... the only Master I will ever have, for should this crumble and fall I will never go here again.
 

I'm an intelligent smart woman, much removed from the 'share' mindset, I will share myself with my sub only. I feel some philosophical prose lurking somwhere... I won't be going personal here on any major level, that is saved for the 3am emails and the faltering (on my part) face-to-faces.
 

I'm not faltering because it physically hurts, I'm faltering because it emotionally bends me into stances and positions I have never known. And I have known a few. But He has known a few more and I trust Him to do unspeakable things. Unspeakable even on here. Unspeakable especially on here.
 

On any other day, and in fact, at any other hour, the immortal words 'I need sex, lol' would have gone unheard. We have both wanted something down this road on the far horizon for decades, maybe the fact that we could both carry on without it ever having happened helps in some way, for we have both functioned in 'standard life' for the decades.
 

 
 

He is an extremely strong man, extremely strong, and I need that, I need him to pull me back when need be, from whatever it is that happens when we lose our minds.
 

 
 

Or at least when I lose mine.
 

 
 

I'll be aware when I lose my mind, won't I?
 

 
 

I never wanted to feel this way really, I never wanted to crawl across my bedsheets in the night, with my hands searching for my Master. I never expected to have so much of my mind taken up with this, especially so soon, and I had no conscious desire to submit beyond the slapstick spanking and maybe a play-rape scene with someone I knew well (yes I knew that person, to a degree). That's not strictly true, but I certainly wasn't planning, although I'm going to change that 'in situ' to ... I wasn't planning to be *here* *now*
 

 
 

He is gorgeous, He is intelligent, He has a beautiful package, He has the patience that I have needed for many years, and I want to do the unthinkable, open myself from the inside. Unthinkable for I consider myself a Dominant woman, but never with men... with men I am one of the boys. In this arena I would be a Dom, but in my fantasies I have always played Sub... but never to men.
 

 
 

So here I am, a feisty, fiercely independant woman with a mind of her own and a cast-iron will, submitting to one that is indeed worthy
 

 
 

Yes He is worthy... and the only person I have ever known to come anywhere near my level of intensity, and I am an intense being. yes I am.
 

 
 

I give my submission as a gift.
 

I'm on the verge of losing my mind. Ironically as a control freak I seem to be lacking the control to do so.