cslave09

The vanilla world teaches a lot of 'life lessons' that starkly contrast some ways of BDSM. One of these lessons is that of equality, being your own person, etc. When I had a conversation with my then trainer about ownership, I couldn't quite suppress the prideful feeling of not being able to be possessed as a thing. Which is odd, because isn't that what I've been working toward ever since I pursued a BDSM relationship? After a long, blissful weekend together, I can say that any qualms about belonging to someone else have been erased. I embrace it. The key is the right person; someone who cares enough to own you but also cherishes his possession. My time with him has erased my doubts. I'm incredibly happy to please him, to hear him call me his, and to belong to him. 

Learning the difference between swallowing a complaint and voicing a legitimate concern has proved challenging for me. I hate to disappoint; this often causes me to remain silent regarding anything I don't like. Remaining open about how I feel then becomes difficult. I'm trying to sort out the difference between the two in order to be totally honest. I have to trust that disappointment in what I express will not overshadow the importance of openness in a relationship. 

I really love when my trainer seems to understand something about me without me actually telling him. His intuition plus my apparent easy to read personality have made him very skilled at that. It really makes some of the aspects of control, even aside from the sexual ones, more meaningful. I like that he is able to gauge with pretty good accuracy how to push me, how to encourage me, how to best make decisions for me, etc. It makes further trust in him easy to give, and I couldn't be happier about it. 

After a few meetings with my trainer, I would have thought that the nerves of being with him would have passed. I feel best when I am with him, but I worry that he will not feel the same. Each time I plan to see him, I feel some of that nervousness returning. I'm particularly excited, but also apprehensive, about having him in my home.  I think it has something to do with the unknown: I'm never really sure what to expect. In addition, as my feelings for him grow, I become increasingly worried about keeping him interested, satisfied, and pleased with me. Which makes sense: I care more about his needs and wants than someone whom I've just met who has not yet earned my respect, trust, or adoration. I suppose that is sort of inherent in training: he is unsure until I prove I am worth the investment. Being with him is my best chance to do so, which explains the nerves. Further motivation to do exactly as ordered. 

I used to think of myself as pretty confident. I'm well aware of my own skills and strengths (and weaknesses), at least when it comes to my vanilla life, and I'm very proud of them. This even extended to dating and my interactions with men. I knew what I was doing, how to get what I wanted, how to please a man, etc. Almost immediately, that confidence was taken away with training. I'm not used to struggling to know how to act or what to do. I certainly am not comfortable doubting my abilities or sex appeal. I suppose in some ways, there's a purpose to that: taking away the arrogance of self in order to reveal the true person a Dom wants you to be. I still can't help feeling completely lost at some moments, but I'm glad to have my trainer there to guide me. I'm hoping that as I learn and improve, that confidence builds again. Perhaps there will be even more confidence, because the foundation of that will be the work of a Dom, not of my own hand. 

Patience is a virtue, good things come to those who wait...gross. Frustrations happen and it becomes difficult to be patient, particularly when you want something really badly. My patience is being tried; I'm trying to hold onto positive thoughts. Hopefully it proves to be one of those 'worth waiting for' things. I struggle with some of the inequalities of the D/s relationship; one of those is relinquishing some of the more major decision making powers. It's not always evident, but occasionally some event will bring a struggle about within me. I'm bringing all the reasons I pursued this path back to mind to help. In the end, though, I have to trust that it will all be okay. Surely all these colloquialisms have some kernel of truth?

I had a house full of people most of the day. It would be possible to take my training completely off my mind with all that I had going on. Instead, I really tried to keep in contact (as good communication is a current goal) with my trainer as much as I could without being rude to my guests. Trying to progress always rather than when is convenient to me something I feel is important. Maintaining my priorities in a proper order will hopefully show my dedication. 

Remembering not to complain verbally is pretty easy for me. However, sometimes I feel myself thinking negative thoughts about a particular assignment when I'm busy or tired. Adjusting my attitude to remember my place, attempting to see the purpose behind what it is I'm meant to be doing, and keeping up positive thoughts is my newest focus. While outright complaining would be simply unacceptable, it seems that even begrudging a particular task in my mind is something I shouldn't be doing. It's either a task meant to please my trainer or a learning exercise for me (and quite possibly both). Even when I feel I don't have time, I'm stressed out by something else that's going on, etc., I'm working to accept and carry out all orders without resentment. 

Communication is key to any successful relationship. It becomes even more crucial with added distance. Apart from dedicated time together, I'm trying to remember to pass on any thoughts I have about my trainer or about things I think he would enjoy throughout the day. It's a small thing, but shows him that I continually think of him. I also just love to speak with him; any excuse to talk to him is welcome to me. Knowing each other beyond  sexual interests allows a much deeper connection to be built, and it's something that I am very excited about doing. 

Improvement goal for the day: appearance. My motivation to get into better shape has resurged with my entry into training; it almost makes it easier to meet my fitness goals.  I've now got a better reason to do it beyond just my own desires. Running doesn't seem as tough when I'm halfway through my workout if I've got his approval on my mind. Apart from that, I'm taking time to make sure I look as I would want to when I present myself to my trainer every day before I leave home. The way I dress, the way I wear my hair, etc.: I  make each choice deliberately based on what I believe he would think. It's simple for me to do, but hopefully will be enjoyed. 

In my vanilla life, I've always had an easy time fulfilling my obligations and exceeding expectations. This is definitely not the case now that BDSM has come to take a bigger role in my life. Pleasing my trainer is at the forefront of  my mind, nearly every waking minute of the day. I crave his praise and approval. The ways in which I should go about making him proud/satisfied aren't always readily apparent, especially given my lack of experience. I often find myself wondering how to do whatever it is I should be doing better. It is obvious enough that I should take the lessons he offers and use them to improve myself as a sub. Today (or yesterday, more accurately), I spent some time thinking about how I can do that in less overt ways. First of all, I feel that perhaps I should not simply check off the lessons I have learned as complete: remembering his words, replaying scenarios, and looking for areas that are not perfect will give me a better perspective on what I can continue to do better. While perfection may not be immediate or completely possible, it is my goal. Additionally, it seems to me that any thing he would deem an improvement, directly related to BDSM or not, is a worthwhile change to pursue. While the correct response to a command is something he will, no doubt, be pleased with, could he not also be happy to see me excel in something completely unrelated to my training? Talent outside the bedroom is also valuable; a well rounded sub is someone of whom to be proud, particularly if her desire to please you helped make her that way. Lastly, not being too upset with myself for not mastering lessons immediately is something with which I struggle. I desire to be so good that I often feel a bit of self loathing when I perceive that I have caused disappointment. Instead, I should trust that he will express his disappointment if he feels it. And as long as I am learning, immediate mastery of those lessons may not be the most important thing.