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Several costumes bought! Love this time of year! |
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Is it still netflix and chill if its just me the movie and the hitachi?????? |
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Ready for the mountains, the fresh air, and the lake!
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I had so much fun last night!!! Lets me know I am really getting back to my old self again!
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Getting back to normal!!!! |
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sneezing after abdominal surgery is a bad idea. Damn pollen |
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My favorite body part on man????? Shoulders. Always has been. I dont want a big body builder just strong enough to carry fire wood or carry out the trash, able to open jars. Shoulders I can rest my head on, tell secrets to. Shoulders whose arms will protect me
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Cabin Fever cabin Fever!!! |
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26th is right around the corner. Kind of getting nervous |
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Fire pit, wine, friends and good food. Tonight I feel so blessed for the friends in my life. My chosen family. |
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So my "vacation" is coming up on the 26th. I wil have more time off work and more time at home than I will know what to do with. So I will probably be perving a lot of profiles soon. |
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So I am not on here, then I am on here like gangbusters. I enjoy reading the profiles and meeting new people on line. It makes me feel good to see there are others with my interests and that I am not alone.
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So focus is shifting.....need to focus on my health more. |
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Home on friday night but leave in moring for fun with my sisters. Look forward to seeing them. Blessed with a wonderful family
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So Im up at 130 am cleaning my daughters room. Decluttering my life for the new year has made its way to her room. |
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I have the house to myself today.........yay!!!!!!! |
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Bought a new car! Spring is in the air! Summer vacation plans made, heading to mountains this weekend. Life is good!
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All work and no play is getting to me. I need to get out soon!
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Haven't journaled anything in a while. Not really much going on in my life. Is everything really this vanilla? Maybe all this is just a fairytale and I am execting too much. Life is vanilla and looking for someone to share my kink path with has proved just as daunting as looking for prince charming. Maybe I have been delusional for thinking this is more than role play.
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Its cold tonight and I am lonely. I have been trying to date a vanilla man. Not going so well. Wouldn't say I'm bored........just something is missing. |
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Memories of a fabulous evening!!!!! I have smiled all day. Last night was wonderful with my wonderful friends!
I should be thankful |
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The pollen has arrived. The time of chores has arisen. Funny how when there is so much to do this home feels like a prison. My weekend was lost to yard work. I long for a mystic relaxing garden that takes me away from reality when I am home but I get discouraged when I spend so much time doing just the basic crap like weed killer and mulch. There aren't enough hours in the day to have everything I want in a yard. Which leads me to think....are there enough to have everything I want out of this as well? Will I ever enjoy all the pleasures this life has to offer or will I constantly feel like someone took my glass before I was finished? |
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Day eight....no hitachi. I'm gonna die! |
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Went to Daschau today. It was so moving. |
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in an effort to make myself happier i got a barbie dream house. gonna see how that works |
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It was a funfilled exciting evening with friends. Education, celebration of Lady O's birthday, early christmas presents were bought and um used lol. Great dinner with loved ones and seeing dear friends always makes for a great evening! i got caught in the middle of dueling whips...........don't worry i'm ok lol
edit |
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Last night was many things. Good seeing old friends, great making new aquaintences. Good to be in the company of those family members i love so dearly. Then sad very sad to watch them leave and know things are different now and i am no longer part of their lives.
failure as a submissive hurts so bad. Failing at the only thing that makes one happy or has ever fulfilled them is so unbearable right now.
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so i am unhappy right now....but i know things will look up. thankful for my friends |
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Pushing....when is it time to stop pushing? Some things are harder can He just back off a bit? i still want to serve but it doesnt seem like the end result of this form of training is going to be fruitful. How hard can you be pushed before you are broken?
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Questions Questions Questions.........so many of the things that haunt me in my vanilla life bring me joy when i serve Him. it is hard to let go an trust. Deep down i know He wants nothing more than my submission it is just hard to think i just am not giving in to being taken advantage of. my submission does not make me weak it does not make me weak. why am i sooo scared of it?
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Respect for collar -
i have always been the type that thought a collar was unneccesary. After all no one should have a problem knowing whom i am in service to. So i just had an exeprience with a friend whom i thought showed no respect for her status let alone the collar she wore.
So here are some of the conclusions i have made about the collar.
*a collar doenst keep someone faithful to you
*it doesnt stop others frm pursuing you
*the collar does not establish the bond you have have with someone it is only a symbol. if you cant uphold the promisses you make in that bond the collar isnt going to help you
*the collar is His marking on You that You are His property, it is not a gift you earned or were given. If you want an engagment ring go get a vanilla boyfriend. |
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Well i know every family has it's bumps in the road. So we are working on a bump. One family member asked for release. My heart aches like anyone's who has been in a break up. But i have my family members to lean on so i know We/we will get past this. |
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How fun it is to do the little things i am required to do for Him around vanilla folk! |
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So real life interupted kink life it seemed. Personal stresses kept me from providing the service i know He deserves. i don't want to cut my submission off to Him like a switch.....it just happened. It was an off day. But never do i think that what We/we have isn't real. i am disappointed in myself. Seems my highs and lows come form my service to Him. What is happening to me??? |
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Another family weekend. i love my time with them! |
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i am trying to communicate more. It seems that is my issue. i am just used to resolving my issues myself. i need to get used to having the support of my family. Other things i just don't say because i don't think He wants or needs to hear. Does He really want to know all this silly stuff??? i fantasize about Him and my family. We were in the car the other day.....maybe i was dozing off but i suddenly awoke flush realizing i had just had a dirty dream. i was kind of embarrassed and didn't tell Him. Does He need to know this kind of stuff? Maybe i am taking for granted that He knows how i feel becasue i show up here again and again to serve Him. i am going to make a more diligent effort in communicating. i know this Family is for me. i am always humbled in His prescence and could not imagine serving another. |
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Sir gets back tomorrow,the family will only be missing one dear one then and we will be whole. i love and cherish the time we are all together!
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Thanx to a dear friend and my submissive sister i am back on track. The road has bumps i am thankful to have her on my journey. My very dear friend sees a slave in me?? Hoping he is right. |
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Having doubts about my submission today. It seems i failed. i failed at something simple. Does it mean i am not submissive? i hate i let Him down.
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Wonderful 4th! This just keeps getting better!He tightened restraints around my neck....i didnt want to stop. Something kicked in and made me struggle. It wasn't that i didnt trust Him i guess the mind has a self preservation mode. i must say it got my "virtual dick" hard when i heard my neck pop and i saw the excitement in His eyes! |
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i got to spend a lot of time with my chosen family this weekend and it was soooo good to! i am so happy doing everything or nothing with them. R is wonderful to serve and my sisters are wonderful for support and sharing. this has got to be the best part of my journey so far!
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Happily under training of One and His poly house
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Why am i so drawn to poly? i guess it offers everything i need in a realtionship. |
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"Overcome"
even now the world is bleedin' but feelin' just fine all numb
in our castle where we're always free to choose never free enough
to find i wish somethin' would break cuz we're runnin' out of time
and i am overcome i am overcome holy water in my lungs i am overcome
these women in the street pullin' out their hair my master's
in the yard givin' light to the unaware this plastic little place
is just a step amongst the stairs
and i am overcome i am overcome baby holy water in my lungs i am overcome
so drive me out out to that open field turn the ignition off
and spin around your help is here but i'm parked in this open space
blockin' the gates of love
i am overcome i am overcome holy water in my lungs i am overcomed
beautiful drowning this beautiful drowning this holy water
this holy water is in my lungs
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my little at home dungeon is almost done. of course i need some furniture
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SERVICE...hmmmm has never seemed sooo nice |
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can't it just make you happy to make them happy?
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i have a question to pose to everyone? Do you have to be in love with the One you serve?
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so we are working on a little adult playroom! my fetish is taking over my life! of course i have never been happier so i am just giving into it. |
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Wow!!! my butt is soooo blue. i have never been spanked so much. So my birthday has passed...but it was great! thankyou friends! |
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Trying to make birthday plans but there are already so many things going on this month. Is it possible to reschedule a birthday?
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i am at a very weird place. Something i can't run from any more. i didnt want to face all that i was or all that i needed but my need is over powering me now. i have to face it or end this chase. |
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i suck at this lifestyle...one day it feels like home later it feels like hell. |
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WOW!!!! my New Years started with a bang and hasn't shown any sign of settling down. Was great seeing all the T3 crowd this weekend. i definitely had missed all my SC friends! Tried a lot of new things lately even some things i once considered limits. i guess i am changing. things that once scared are now intriguing. i am lucky to have friends willing to help me explore....still trying to find what fits
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My xmas list is so different than last year. |
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taking a break from this, all too intense. its mentaly exhausting to weed through all the lying pretenders. is this real anyway? some days i hate myself for my kinks. why am i this way? i am tired of feeling shamful of my submissive nature. at this point it seems easier to let it go then then to feed my desires. |
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i have protocols!!!!!!!!!!!! my Ma'am has given me a list of protocols (and its growing ) But i am liking it. The little things i do that make it obvious the power i have given her over me allow me to enjoy my submission. |
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i am cheered up.....just another lesson learned i guess. keeping my smile on and my eyes wide open
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tried some humiliation play and breath play.....loved them both. i am beginning to wonder if i am going to come across anything i dont like! |
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Watched a fantastic fisting scene. i think i need to share my desires with my Ma'am.
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when i am away from them its harder and harder. is this sane? |
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First the tail now a cage............puppy just loves the cage......and her Ma'am.
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Got a new tail! i am soooo excited. got to wear it for Her a bit the other night. She is gonna let me wear it to the dungeon this weekend! She makes me want to be such a good girl!
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Had a great time at NC Edge! Was brought down really fast after all festivities when my daughter was in car accident. She was ok thankfully and all my fellow kinksters were at scene of accident to support me. My leather brothers and sisters are the best! |
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ahhhh the sweet rewards of being a good pup for my Ma'am! She rewarded me for being such a good girl with a chew toy (my favorite oral fetish). |
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Spent a lovely weekend with my Ma'am. We went to vendor's fair. Had a fabulous time with our friends. Ms K got me a pretty black collar. The jeweled paw hanging on it matches the paw on Her necklace. i thought i was only supposed to wear it in Her dungeon but to my suprise She said i could wear at NC Edge this weekend. i am honored to wear it for Her. She is sooo wonderful to me! |
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Ms K gave me a tag! It reads Korupted's puppy slut! i even wore it too work! i am so proud! i love our new family! leather brothers and sisters are the best! |
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So these wonderful people that i keep going to see are becoming more to me. We are becoming a poly-family. Each person offers something unique to our blend and i love them each dearly. i couldnt imagine being without them!
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happy hump day! gray skies are cleared up ad i am feeling myself. all is right in the world ( at least in mine) i am so thankful for the wonderful friends i have made in the lifestyle! each one has shared with me, taught me and helped me to grow into my truest self
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ok so there is a down side? what the hell is happening to me? i am normally not moody or down but it seems i always feel well blah the day after my great weekend. i would think it was fatigue but i get rested. maybe its just the monday blues. |
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i felt something building in me. i almost thought it would never come. But it happened. my mind was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Warm tears will trailing down my cheeks,it was the release i have longed for.........what now?
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training? hear a lot about it on here. why do i need to be trained. this is something i need, i enjoy doing. i am educated, sensible and gainfully employed so i guess the fact that i need training almost makes me feel as though i have to be led where i am going. like it isnt my freely made choice to submit. it is my need, who i am, how i best enjoy myself. wouldnt training just suck the fun out of it? |
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ohhhhh my what a weekend road trip it was! can i just say i LOVE LOVE LOVE the quirt! |
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looking forward to the weekend. going to greensboro to see some friends and as always ...make some new ones! |
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i dont know if i need controling or not maybe i just need a sick sadist to help me with my kinks. i am not sure yet. |
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i wonder if everyone goes through this. if it starts to consume them. i think about it too much. |
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ok i have a new addiction.....the dang tetris game! somebody stop me! |
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reading my past entries, man i cannot type! lol. So many mispelled words. thats what happens when your head is going faster than your hands. Still doing my tasks. keeping a journal at home. far to much is going on in my head to just type here. |
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played with the mose wonderful Ma'am this weekend. she likes puppies! goodie!
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a lot of new things this weekend. surgical staples and tasks! my path has taken a slight turn. i though i was uneasy with the turn but its actually excitement building. i know more good things are to come
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07/13/07 - tried needle play!
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ok summer time colds are the worst! i feel like shit today! i wouldnt wish this in anyone! |
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well i had a wonderful weekend that was also a learning experience that has help me grown in terms of lifestyle and myself. Not to mention i made a new Friend. |
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i feel the need to mention my interest in this lifestyle is both true and genuine and although i dont know my place or how i am best to serve i am not straying from the path i am on. That being said i wish to meet people who are also on genuine journeys of self exploration. |
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Doing a lot of readnig right now. just trying to find my place. |
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