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| This profile isn't active anymore, but i just remembered the password to get into it. *grins*
check out my other one if you want:
c2surrender
Eyes wide open
i would consider myself to have a submissive personality. Please understand that this does not mean that i have no control over my life and am in need of Someone to save me from myself.
The people i work with, my 'vanilla' friends, those i meet in everyday situations, ~ these people would consider me to be independent and determined, but probably not submissive.
i love my life, but there is obviously something lacking, or i wouldn't be here.
i'm a masochist, yet tenderhearted. i thrive on physical pain
-and-
emotional warmth.
i am not the perfect slave, i have not yet mastered the ability to read minds. i will eventually need to be 'trained' or molded to meet specific requirements, needs, wants, desires. i'm looking forward to the challenge.
i sincerely apologize, but i must state this up front, because i am not of the mind that i need to jump into bed with You on the first meeting to 'prove' how submissive i am. i don't believe that D/s is about the sex. It's just a really really nice perk!
i am not very good at cyber sex. i haven't quite figured out how to type in "oohh moan oohh" and manage to get Anyone off.
if You've read this far, i am truly flattered and hope that perhaps You may have been atleast slightly amused. i wish You the best of luck on this site.
i'm registered and all my shots are current.
*grins*
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on a funny note... i have come to the conclusion that my job is killing me. i run the graveyard shift at a truckstop. i am literally within 5 feet of a man 8-10 hours a day. Everyone is referred to as "Sir". and they *all* call me 'girl'. i hear the term "good girl" atleast 10 times a night. You would think that by now, the effect would have worn off. But, sadly, it has not. i believe it may even have intensified. "good girl". Two very small, yet very significant words that are ruining my life, yet still making my day. Most of the men look at me funny when i blush after they say it. i can't help it. i'm a blusher. it's humiliating. Most truck drivers are completely in control, harsh, and they're almost all over 6ft tall. i think i need a new job. |
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*smiling sweetly* i sincerely apologize to all of the Trainers that i offended with my previous journal entry. Thank You very much for all of the emails. *banging head on table* |
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Things i cannot manage to wrap my brain around... Trainers. i don't understand this at all. Please keep in mind that in many many aspects i am still a "newbie" (another term i detest). So here is my confuzzlement with Trainers. A year ago i had the opportunity to briefly live 24/7 with a Trainer. At the time, my naive little self was thinking "excellent, now i'll be prepared in the event that i find my Master". Yep. That worked out really well. Let me tell Yyou, none of it is applicable. The commands are practically identical, and yet the actions expected are *not* the same. Now i'm confident that my brain will be able to deprogram the previous commands and accept the new commands as second nature. Eventually. i just feel now that all that "training" was a waste of time. Time wasted completing it, and time wasted now trying to fix it. i don't agree with 'training' for Anyone but my Sir/Master/Lord. i think it's pointless. Someone recently told me that Trainers teach the 'basics'. The basics of what?? Common sense? The investigation of positive / negative impact reactions? i just don't understand why a slave/sub/bottom would need a Trainer to teach her/him those things when it would give so much joy to a Dom/Master/Owner to complete that training through ownership and think "I created this".
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the doormat debate... This term really really irritates me. Am i a doormat? Well, not at the moment, as there is no One to wipe His boots upon me. But, if there was One, would i submit to that? Yes. Because boot wiping is not on my list of limits. Okay, enough of that - here's what i really think... When a submissive/slave states "i am not a doormat" i think what she's really trying to say is "in exchanging my power for Yours, i don't want to become some mindless spineless heartless robot". Is there really such a thing as a "doormat"? we're all human. There has to be some limits, or we'd all be perfectly content to let our Masters kill us. Yes, you can say that death is not a limit, but i'm of the mind that you'll be rethinking this when He puts the blade to your neck and starts to slice. On the flip side. The Dominant Doormat. Yes yes, i'm about to step on some very loose footing. So, You have a sub/slave/doormat who You own and expect to have Your every command fulfilled. And then she starts to change her mind. again and again and again. Punishment isn't effective. And yet still You keep her. she is receiving the benefits of Your ownership, and You are receiving... what? Well, she's walking all over You. Does that make You a doormat? Not that these comments have any real bearing on anything. Simply thoughts, put to words, no harm intended. |
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submissive -vs- slave.... daily i am asked if i am a slave or a submissive. i cannot possibly answer this. who am i to determine which 'title' i fall under? Here are my current thoughts on the matter... yes, i have limits. Should i be owned by a Master who wishes to use me in manner that entails those limits, then i am His submissive. Should i be owned by a Master that has no desire to use me in such a manner, then those limits are null and void and He would consider me His slave. Here's the tricky part. Should such Master later determine to test this submission and wish to challenge those limits, would i deny Him? i don't know. Does that make me a submissive? Here's my favorite part of the answer... Does it matter? D/s cannot be defined in complete terms by Tthose observing it. It can, and is, defined by Tthose Wwho are in the relationship. Am i to be a slave or a submissive? Again, does it matter? i am to be His. That is what matters. i care not if He calls me His submissive or His slave, my need will be fulfilled in simply being called His. |
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wow. First of all, i would like to thank Eeveryone for the supportive and inspiring comments regarding this profile and journal. i sincerely appreciate, and am flattered, that so Mmany took the time to read it in it's entirety. i'm very excited! i'm realizing an entirely different aspect to D/s that is ensuring and comforting. Even ideal. Yes, i miss playing. i miss it a lot. i just don't feel like i'm craving it like i used to. Right now there is something else out there that is more important. i haven't quite grasped what it is yet, but it's there, it's close. i can feel it. |
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Today provided an extremely frustrating experience. i was asked today what i thought D/s was. and i gave my opinion; in a round about way. i wasn't trying to be elusive, i wasn't searching for clues as to what was wanted for me to say; i honestly didn't have a definitive answer.
For me, it's kind of like porn, you can't describe it, but you know it when you see it. Which is a horrible analogy, because i don't think D/s and sex go hand in hand.
i'm not pasting these thoughts all over the internet because i am hoping for feedback. It's always been easier for me to sort out my thoughts by writing them down.
So, what do i think D/s "is about"? Initially, i would say the 'power exchange', the volley between service and control. It's so hard to verbalize my thoughts on this. What good is it for me to say that i seek ultimate trust, the ability to trust Someone else with my entire being, my life? i can say this till i'm blue in the face, but where is the purpose without action??
Yes, i believe that service is a large part of D/s. In my humble opinion, service is the only action capable of reflecting gratitude for what i hope to be given through D/s.
It's all a gift. He gives me freedom through emotional, mental, and physical bondage. i give my appreciation through service. Service can cover so many different purposes. Can i only serve through domestic and physical actions? i believe it's possible to serve to a much greater extent than this. i've never experienced it, i'd like to believe it's possible, but i'm not capable of the words to describe it.
Is serve the same as dedicate? i believe so. is dedicate the same as submit? i believe so.
The difference between slave and submissive? i have no clue what the correct answer is. Eeveryone has Ttheir own opinion and is so entitled.
Am i a slave or a submissive? i have no clue. i am what i am. Am i searching for "the One". probably not. i must be realistic in accepting that there will probably be "the Ones" long before i am educated or experienced enough to be acceptable to Anyone. And yet i must still be prepared for the course of the heart. i do believe that D/s must incorporate love. i expect Someone to love me enough to accept full responsibility for me. i expect to love Him enough to give myself to His control. Without trust, there cannot be love. Without passion and compatibility, there cannot be love.
Yes, i believe that D/s is Love. Complete and Total Love. The most extreme Love known to the Human Race.
Have i ever experience this? No. Do i have any proof that it exists? Not really. Am i willing to accept that there is more to it than this? Of course.
Next step? To continue looking, and waiting, for Someone to show it to me. |
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my adaptation of the creed…
i will be totally open and responsive to Him, and will never hide or veil any thoughts, feelings, responses, or actions from Him. with complete honesty, i will communicate my needs, desires, fears, and experience.
i understand that hiding any truths will not only prevent He and i from having the best experience possible, but can also lead to physical and emotional harm.
i will never try to manipulate Him. i know and accept that His decisions are not about me, they are about Him. Fulfilling His wishes is my ultimate goal.
i will keep an open mind about trying things that i am scared of or not comfortable with, and will work through my fears, with Him, to eliminate limits. i will continue to grow as His submissive and as a woman.
i will assume complete responsibility of fulfilling His needs, wishes, and desires. i trust that He will never allow for me to be harmed or abused, and i will thrive in the safety of His presence, and His absence. i vow to be His submissive without losing the traits which He admires and is attracted to.
i know that my actions will reflect upon Him, and will do all i can to help others see Him in a positive way, i will never intentionally embarrass or displease Him, i shall always show my pride in Him, and my pride as His possession.
i will share my obstacles with Him. Not in an attempt to have Him solve them for me, but for His guidance and suggestions. All my possessions will become His, as i will become His possession
Only Him will i see as a Man, and only upon Him will i gaze. i will give Him complete devotion. i will trust in His judgment entirely. i will never mistake sensitivity and caring for weakness.
His word will be law, my bible of sorts; as He will be my Lord and Master.
Above all, i will wear my title as His submissive and slave with joy, i will obey, honor, and love Him.
i will always present myself with honor, intelligence, and respect, as i am a product of His control, and shall always be proud of this. i will give complete control to Him, and in that submission, will accept freedom of self within Him. |
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(the following is a melting pot of comments, quotes, and my personal hopes, if any comments seem familiar, i probably saw similar words elsewhere and added it to my list, but did not have the hindsight to quote who may have said them, with this i sincerely apologize if i have accidentally plagarized Aanyone) A Wish List……
He is emotionally, physically, intellectually stronger than myself.
Exerts His will over mine regarding my well-being and the well being of the relationship.
Has enough life experience, knowledge, wisdom to be my Mentor and Teacher.
He will accept complete responsibility for me, punishing and correcting my mistakes and faults; and rewarding and praising my accomplishments.
Demands nothing less than my best effort in all I do.
Uses me as His tool and canvas to quench His darkest desires.
Creates an atmosphere of safety around me
Communicates and maintains well defined boundaries regarding accepted behavior.
He thrives on being the One in control.
He thinks before He speaks, acts, or reacts.
Provides and promotes discipline.
Readily communicates PRECISELY what i need to be/do in order to completely fulfill His needs and desires.
Relishes pushing my sensual and sexual boundaries, taking me to new levels and greater heights of sensation and experience.
He is constantly looking for new and creative ways to help me grow to His complete satisfaction.
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my goal of submission is not to erase myself in the folds of a Master. The ultimate goal is to strengthen His fiber with my being. i love myself. Yes, there are several things that need to be molded towards specific needs, i do not need to be “fixed”, it would be wrong of me to offer a possession to Someone if it was defective. my personality cannot be eliminated, it is who i am.
i have a view on submission that will hopefully come across in type as intended: the saying that “a Man is only as strong as the woman beneath Him” is what i lay as the foundation of submission. (yeah yeah, that’s not the exact saying, but it’s how i interpret it)
There are those that i consider to be brainless, spineless, and co-dependent; and it is common to refer to these sorts of submissives/slaves as doormats. i am not one of these women. i would like to consider myself as a foundation. It is my greatest desire to be supportive to my Home.
This is really what i consider a Master to be. My Home. Another cliché - ‘home is where the heart is’. Without a solid foundation to support the Home, the walls won’t stand. It is my responsibility to build Him up; to make sure that the home runs as the Master of it wishes and demands. It is under this responsibility that i will thrive.
i do not believe that all life’s problems will disappear with His entrance. i realize that life is a constant obstacle, His problems will become my problems as well, and it will be my duty to help in every way i am able to ease the everyday and not so common difficulties that life may bring Oour way. i will not give up and run away when life takes an unexpected turn. i will be there for Him, with Him, beside Him, and backing Him 100%. If He is disappointed or angry, or i am scared or unhappy, i will not cut loose. i need give an unending pledge to work through any struggles. i do not believe that giving up control and giving up responsibility are the same thing. i will take responsibility for my actions. i will trust that Him will take responsibility for His actions as well.
why is this so complicated to achieve? am i ready for this commitment? *laughing* am i even ready to begin looking for Someone to possibly make this commitment to?
i feel as though i am guiding myself on the journey to find a Guide. i spent the last few years on the kiddie trail, am i ready for the long run? can i hold reign from a sprint? So much to think about, so much to consider. So many hopes. |
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the sweet delights of the sting...
i heard that phrase somewhere, i don't remember where, but it's not a candy original. It is however, an acurate description of the euphoria i'm floating on.
It wasn't a scene. It wasn't planned. It wasn't deeply intense.
A few spanks on my bare cheeks displayed up in the air. It was exactly what i needed - and had been deprived from for so long that i'd almost forgotten that feeling.
Do Yyou know which feeling i'm talking about? Like floating and being grounded at the same time? i can't even begin to describe it; all i know is that i feel awesome today!!
Thank You so much Sir, from the bottom of my heart. i can't express what it is that You've given me, but i am indebted to You. Thank You. |
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i spent some time this morning reading through some profiles and journals. i was pleasantly surprised at the number of which that were so honest and down to earth.
i was very amused at the number of times the words "looking for someone real" showed up; i thought to myself - are these People having a lot of trolls approach them? Robots? Spammers?
As a female on this site, i have to bear the emails from Men who wish to meet me that same night for a one night stand in a cheap motel. And the Ones that want me to abandon my family and come live with them. Wonder if They'd disappear if i accepted? Not that this will ever happen. My favorites are the Ones that read my profile, see my age, have never spoken to me, and send me an email to inform me that they own me and want me to mail them my panties.
Yes, very amusing. Sometimes irritating, but for the most part, amusing.
Back to my point - if this is what i'm encountering - what are the Men encountering? |
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It's been a long time since i've written a Lifestyle journal or blog, so bear with me...
The site profile asks what you are looking for, and i always like to keep that short and to the point. Because, in all honesty, the foundation of what Wwe are looking for will forever remain, but the details often change.
i want to reiterate that i really am only looking for conversation. One of my favorite parts of actively living in the Lifestyle were all the different opinons and insights of Tthose around me. i miss it terribly.
i'm not currently playing, and i don't forsee myself doing so in the near future.
i apologize, but i really don't want to have cyber sex, i'm really not very good at it, and i don't think typing little "moans and ahhs" are going to stimulate You.
Best of luck to Aall in Ttheir searches. May Yyou find the Oone Yyou seek and have the wisdom to realize it. |
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| Age: 26 |
| Port Washington,
New York |
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