collaredfairy030

I nee to try and think of the things that I need to write about. so many of them have come to mind and i am getting overwhelmed. 

righteous anger and selfishness

my husband and serving others first, how does he treat people, is he self absorbed

realizing that a husband will not be what i think he will be

having a distant friend mentally and feeling as if i give and dont get back (but that should be ok)

Lord I am struggling with these things. I want to be donee with it all. Im frustrated and hurt.  The friend i once had, is no more.  But seems to be self absorbed and only has cares for what is going on in his life, and comes around when somethign is needed or wanted of me. but yet as i write this, dont i sound like the one being selfish?

is it ok to feel hurt about this?

how do i just sit and wait on YOU.  i had let it go to you and i had peace for a while, and then he came back into the picture, and i just dont know what to do with this.  i feel like, i am upset because i keep feeling hurt etc, but isnt that my fault? isnt that like the person who keeps goin back to the person who beats her but yet if she just wouldnt go back she wouldnt get beat?

but then you say to turn the other cheek. i dont want to keep feeling hurt. can you take my emotions away or something? i would like to give and give and give, but i dont want these thoughts in my head about all these times i need help, i need a friend, i need someone to be there, and all i get is stupid silence, like i dont matter.

what happened to carrying each others burdens? what happend to putting others before ourselves? what about loving others as ourselves, what about making the most of every circumstance to do good in this evil world? none of this comes to my fellow friend? 

i need your strength to keep giving and giving and not receiving, i need your perspective Lord to keep my going. i feel as if im being selfish but at the same time i have this righteous anger.... everybody is so busy doing their own stuff, but what about us who need someone from time to time. i even feel bad for complaining, or expressing these hurts, but at this moment i am no strong enough to move passed it.

i dont like feeling used.  but i have a hard time saying no when asked to do something because i want to help. i want to extend what YOU want me to do, but now it is getting to the point that i do feel its in vain.

i ask for comfort, i go to a fellow believer and pour out my heart, and get nothing. and then i do it again, nothing.  but what i do get is. "im busy" or i was doing something, etc etc. excuses.  what ever happened to all the things the Lord says to do. 

what about simple curteousness going a long way. 

so what just because something may not benefit you, you cant extend help to someone?

because your work has got you so involved it almost seems like an idol, you cant help a fellow sister?

you may not want to "listen" to the things people have on their mind, so you just let them be?  im sorry, i forgot this life was all about being selfish and not helping others.

i want to be able to rely on my brothers and sisters, for the most part at least.  and when i couldnt i went to someone who used to be a close friend. and that person could have basically dug my grave for me, and said i didnt matter and neither did my problems.  because HE was too busy with his own, or didnt want to hear about mine.

this is how we as christians get caught up and give bad names for ourselves.

and now here i am, in some peoples eyes i am throwing a pity party, in others eyes, i have a right to be angry, but i want your eyes Lord.  This is what i feel, and it is real.  I want the peace i had when i was fine with letting this friend go about his life and not hearing from him again.

im tired of the"my time is more important than yours" attitude.  im tired of the moments when someone has an attraction to someone, and THAT is the time when they are willing to be there for someone... but oh no... if there is no attraction anymore? forget it, you are annoying and im not wasting my time on you.

these are all the thoguhts i have going through my head. i am so angry at how others are.

why do i sit, and do all these things for people, but it doesnt come twice in anyones head, that we should be doing this for eachother. not just seeking from others and not giving back.  this is why i want to quit and say screw it.

but i wont. and i cant. but boy are my feet dragging Lord.  my mind is taking a downward shift, please help me.

please help me see the light once again.

please show me what steps i need to take.

when is enough enough? or will i just have to keep moving and keep being friends?

how much do i allow this "friendship" effect my thoughts? if i am constantly being overwhelmed and distraught at how i feel things are wrong, do i back away?

or knowing that it is jsut my own thoughts and they could be wrong do i keep letting it happen?

when is time to stop? i just dont get it Lord.  i dont know what to do.

my old ways are put behind me, and my new self is here... so therefore, every little thing i just keep doing? is it ok to separate myself from this injustice?  to me it is injustice.

it may not be financially, but it is an injustice on how believers should be walking.  i dont want to be associated with the wrongness. but again, what about grace?

what about mercy? i dont understand where that line is. what do i do Lord? what do i do.....

i need more help from you Lord.  i need more strength. 

As i have been praying this week for guidance i find that i am not certain on two aspects.  there are two different ways i can approach this situation of mine and i am not certain which you are leading me to do.  maybe you are leading me to do neither which is why i am not feeling a pull or sense of direction at the moment.

I cant look at this friendship in the manner of ... ok he doesnt currently want to have any phone conversations, although i dearly miss the 2-3 hour conversations.  he prefers to communicate through texting which to me is just pure destruction.  i can have the outlook that i can continue being a friend and be supportive of this decision showing that i will be here no matter what. i will accept what makes him feel comfortable. i will show respect on his decision to have this lack of contact and be ok with it.

then i also think, ok do i want to continue to allow someone to control how something is done. he is not my husband he is not a master of mine, he is a friend.  it has been several months that i have continued to support this by simply responding to the messages.  but just as if a hard working man may not want to be controlled by his phone after 5pm and should shut it off, maybe i should have a similar approach and say, just as i dont want to have a friendship constantly connected to texted as it seems to do more harm than good, maybe i should simply quit responding.

Im just not certain on how to take this.  Lord I want to do the right thing however I am not certain which aspect to see this from.  of course there are many mpre details to all of this but i guess this is just the break down.

i can care for a person and continue to show that love by submitting to this aweful form of communication or i can care and love and not allow this destruction to continue.

Also, this revelation that you have shown me.. I dont know how i should look at that also.  Do i need to apply the things i know and am learning as if he is currently my husband? because he is not.  or was it something you simply needed to show me and since he is not my husband as of yet, i just need to go along as if it is strictly a distant friend at the moment.

all of that could change so much in how i act/react.  I dont know what the meaning of me knowing this information is. what do i do with it? do i just let it be, or do i need to therefore treat this person as if he IS my husband. sigh.

i just want to do the right thing, i dont want to cause any messes of my own.  I want to continue to try to be as blameless as possible.

also something that i thought of... so many times we have these run ins with people, and i dont think we give much thought to the fact that God being the #1 power.... we still have the #2 power that can have a great deal of influence on us.  FJust as the Lord allowed Job to be tested to prove of Jobs faithfulness and therefore of the Lords faithful ness also the same can happen to us.  we might not even know that we are being allowed to be a tool to someone else to see how faithful they are, or to help permit growth.

maybe some of all this weird conduct lately can have something to do with that.  we just never know Lord.   am loooking to you for guidance and clarity.  thank you for loving me. and thank you for how much you have opened my eyes. amen

Lord, it has been such a lonnnggg time that I have written to you.  these last 3 weeks just seemed soo...bummy... down... exhausted... tired... and I have kept reading and praying to you.  I wasnt understandig what was going wrong, and once again it felt like when i prayed i njust didnt know what i needed to pray for. 

I did realize something i was doing that you had pulled me away from before, but for some reason i decided to do it again, and at the time i had different reasoning, but i noticed in my head i couldnt understand what it was i was really going for.  and then i knew i just needed to quit.  you havent changed what you want from me.  and it was neat to see another door opened after i had that realization and followed what i believe and knew you wanted me to do.

i a not certain the words to use even though you already know what i mean, but sometimes i wish i even knew what i meant.  i feel a little tired of waiting. i feel tired at trying to look at all the good things i feel tired at looking at myself and what i can change to make myself a better person.  i guess it will happen from tiem to time living in this world caught in the middle of playing an everlasting blame game and never taking responsibility on things.

i DO know that the best thing i can do to help others is to begin with myself. and instead of pointing out things i wish others would have done or said, i should take the time, and just examine myself, and MY motives.  i know that i cant control others or how they wish to perceive things.  i know that i cant make anyone change their minds.  but i also know that it DOES hurt me when others think my motives are something that they are not.  or i know that it DOES hurt me when others are not as willing as i am to sit and clarify any sort of mishap for the benefit of clarity and pressing forward.  i dont believe it does any good to move forward without addressing things.  but many do.

i realized how important is is for fellowship. even though this is something that i already knew, i know this is one thing that caused such a steep fall of feeling  like giving up almost. not feeling worthwhile to many.  i noticed that when i got back out to serving others (and not in the bdsm sense) it was a great pick me up. 

after all that is what our call is. to ehlp others, serve others, it is what we were made for. to love. but we have all become so wrapped in loving ourselves, and "this is what i need" "what will you do for me"  and honestly sometimes, i would just love to ask that.  i know the only worth i really need to feel is from you, however, with the effort and such i would like to feel it more from others than i already do.

sometimes i notice that i have a hard time waiting for what you have promised me, and also for the vision you have shown me.  even when i know that your ways and timing is the best.  i know that i dont want to do it my way because i want what you want for me.  but i also know that at times i feel like i wish it would all speed up just a bit.  and again i also know that all of this waiting etc is to build my character for this role you have for me.  and i should be thankful that you love me so much to build all of this in me and teach me all of this. thank you. 

please continue to help me with sustaining myself.  Lord i want to continue to know you more and more.  thank you for your comfort and your presence... and as hard as it is to say.. thank you for the dead end roads, and for all the delays.  it is so hard to even say.... if this all takes 5 years or 17 i am willing.... but please know deep inside i really really hope that will not be the case.  sigh.

also Lord would you please help me with my motivation in taking care of myself.  i have been lacking on that quite a bit. and i am not certain on how to give that to you,  or how to include you in that...i know the inside of me is what matters.. but i also know how great i feel when i take the time to care for myself, and excersize and not eat junk. and i have all this natural energy.  and also Lord I ask that you would be help me with all my thoughts and emotions that i struggle with. i know all of these are learning tools, but sometimes i feel like i am just spiraling down.  i wish you could just give me a hug and appear to me.  but you have made yourself very known in these last 3 months... and i am thankful for that.

thank you for loving me.

amen

I am almost at a point where I just dont know what to say, think, of feel at this moment.  I really dont even know exactly what I want to pray about. I just feel lost.  I even feel like my mind in blank and bare. 

I get feelings of hurt inside, but then dont even know if they are validated or not.  I hate when I cant understand something, I hate when I believe it is something that could be easily understood if people would just take the time.  I hate having so many questions up in the air lingering, and I cant do anything about it. 

I dont understand the point in knowing someone has questions about things, and just not making time to answer them.  Wouldnt someone care enough to give resolution to someone?  I know I certainly would because I understand the feeling.  I think so many things are simple to have resolved but unless it is a priority to the other party involved it has no measure of importance.  I hope I dont unknowingly do this to other people.  I know I try very hard to be clear and precise and answer things that people question.  Its an unnecessary feeling that can be defeated with communication.  Simple.

Why have areas of confusion in our life when they can be easily disposed of?  Why would I want others to continue in confusion if I could resolve it?

Lord, I dont know what you are wanting me to do right now.  I have so many thoughts and I just dont know what step you want me to take.  

I want you to be my fulfillment.  I want you to be my satisfaction.  Please help me to move forward from all this.  I just dont even know what to say.

I dont want my head spinning.  why must I feel like i have to analyze every little thing? It gets tiring but I cant stop it.  I dont like the anxiety that it gives me.  Why does my mind stick on things I dont understand?  I dont want it to, but i feel this nagging feeling and it is only cured when answers are revealed.

I woke up today and my heart is pounding so bad.  I know that I trust you.  I know that I shouldnt worry.  you have control over everything.  I find safety in that. I should not worry.  So why is it knowing what I think, that i still cant overcome?

I need to understand that not everyone thinks the way I do.  O Lord.  Somedays the thought of just being able to have someone hold me.  That is how I relate love.  I want you to hold me.  Lord please help my passion to grow to communicate with you.

I want you to be my everything, so much that It does not matter with anything else in my life.  Lord please take my thoughts of confusion and clear them for me.  Please take the moments of lost hope and replenish them. 

What do i do right now? What do you need me to do?  Step away? Continue making effort? Please show me, and whatever you want me to do please give me the peace to go through it.

Lord, I have a few things on my mind that I would like to keep so that I can look back at them.  I have been feeling distressed lately.  Sort of like I have lost a friend.  I have been feeling rejected.  I have been feeling disrespected. 

Then i started wondering at what point do i stop?  at what point is enough? when do i just step away?

As in my profile states, i dont believe anyone is ever too busy.  and even if someone is busy, effort can be made.

I also have a big deal with "complete honesty" not being "honest enough" to get through.

Then I started realizing that I had been finding my happiness through a person.  I need to find my happiness through the Lord.  He is the truth.  He is the real way, so why do i look to people that can and will fail me?

I want the Lord to be my source.  I dont want to have any sort of trust in anyone else.  I want to be able to have no expectations of anyone else that that I will no longer find disappointment in others, especially when i really feel hurt from those I dont expect it from or maybe i misinterpret it.

Lately it has just been harsh on me.  wondering what was all this before? was it fake?

so then I started asking you Lord on what to do, how do i handle it, do i stop answering the phone when my friend calls, because it has been done to me?  I really wanted you expecially a few times.  my dads death date. the day i felt really belittled when i was helping your organization and i just needed a pick me up.  when i would get confused and wanted clarity.  i felt like all i have known was not really you.

and the Lord showed me. 

"Live at peace with everyone, do not take revenge" romans 12:18-19

"Love does no harm to its neighbor" 13:10

"Put aside the deeds of darkness 13:12

"let us behave decently" 13:13

do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature" 13:14

therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another, instead make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brothers way" 14:13

PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, faithful in prayer 12:12

"eager to do what is good" titus 2:14

"to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peacable and considerate" 3:1

i would have been taking revenge by not answering the phone because i was hurt.  it is also a deed of darkness.

also i was thinking of the stuff that is important to me. communication, being available for people, and by being hurt and angry and not answering my phone, i would be being someone i am not. 

learn to turn the other cheek misti.  look at how much Christ has been hurt.  Help me Lord.

I want to go back to my security.  I was feeling very secure in my life Lord.  And I chose to haVE a moment of fun.  I remember thinking that I didnt want to because I liked how comforted I have been in my new life, but I just wanted to be touched, I just wanted to feel closeness.  i had a friend that was fun to hang out with, and I started craving more comfort in the physical sense.  A hug just felt sooooo nice.  I really enjoyed just having someone to pal around with.  I was taking pride in my abstinence.  I wanted to be pure for my husband, i wanted him to be the first one to delight in me.  to see me as I am, and now I am struggling greatly.  I failed. i am insecure in my standing.  I have doubts. All because I chose to give in.  Please allow me to be confident that I can accomplish me feelings of security and trust once again. 

I need you Lord, I need your help. 

Well I know that it certainly has been a while.   It has been a reletively busy summer, and i am thankful that it is coming to an end, just so that I can simply be at home for a while, and have a bit of a routine to all that i do, and not feel like a chicken with my head cut off.
Lord, I feel as though there has been much silence lately.,  I am still seeking, and gathering time to read and devote to you.  I feel as if i have gained some much needed knowledge to assist other people now.
And the pure fact that you have felt that i would be ok in helping some other peole that have come to me is incredible. thatnk you for trusting me in that.  please guide my words and my thoughts.

a couple days ago was quite the challenge for me.  and the whole time i was sitting there debating on what to do. and i h\was conflicted inside.

 
the old me just wanted to be touched, and quite possiby more.  i was wrestling with the thought for a while.  it was simply because i felt comfortable with this friend of mine and we were watching movies.  i felt very comforted.  i miss laying on someone, or letting someone sstroke my hair, etc. and i felt like i was craving it.
 

but this person came to me because they needed help and new friends, and i kept trying to tell msyelf that i was leading an example for them.  You are trusting me to be an example, and not give in to the sort of things i used to be so careless about.
it was hard. i prayed the whole way home, i know i could have stayed over, it was already 2am at that time, but i couldnt. i didnt trust myself.

please build in me, more of yourself, please help me be stronger.

please remind me of why i am doing these things, why i am waiting.  remind me of what i am trying to accomplish.

I am reminded that I want something real. not something that will last until the spark wears out. i want something true. i want it for the right reasons. 

anyone can go out and get laid. anyone can feel they have intimacy with someone for a while, but i want to be led by you Lord.  I want you to be in control as how it should be. I want to be a true follower.

I have a desire to please.  And I certainly have been trying to pleae you Lord.  I bring everthing to your attention. 

But I want to love another. And i want another to love me.  I want a full Christ centered relationship.  I want a commitment.  I want to be touched, and caressed. Made love to, and know its for real. permanent.

Lord, please give me the desire of my heart.  Please lead my path, and show me wht I need shown right now.

Lord i am trying to follow what you woul like for me right now.  I am a little confused but I am certainly following what I feel you want me to do.

That lady from church brought me that book, and I had it read in just 3 days.  I knew it was meant for me to read.  And there were some things that i needed to fix with myself, and i thank you for pointing them out to me.  I am just not certain to what extent i do these things.

One of the things that i had learned was that i was dominating the situation without even really knowing it.  I dont want to have a relationship where i wll look back and feel like i was the one pursuing everything. I would like to feel like i am the one pursued.  I want him to lead.  I want him to take the initiative in things.  As the way you have created us to be. 

One thing i am a little nervous about is I am afraid he is thinking I am backing off completley, when i am just allowing him to grab the ropes. 

Another thing I am worried about is, what if he likes as much contribution i have been giving? what if it makes him feel good?

And another thing, i have pretty much backed off completely unless it is work related.  I only call if it has something to do with work.  i havent allowed myself to call or text "just because".  And that was very hard for me, and it still is very hard.

I enjoy talking and sharing, and showing my interest.  But i also know that i have expressed my interest many times.  So that should be a given Lord, however, I also fear, that since I am no longer expressing that interest(so as not to bother him or continuously bring it up) he will feel i am no longer intersted.

But Lord, I am.  I am merely trying to do what I feel you have asked me to do.  Please Lord show him what I am doing.  Please give him comfort and reassurance. 

It is going on 2 days that i have not talked with him, and that is so weird for me.  And I am scared because i am not used to this.  We were talk sometimes for 3 hours in a night, readign and praying together.  And now that I am stepping back i feel insecure.

please be speaking with him,

please allow me comfort Lord, I know that I shouldnt be nervous, because even if i am doing something that you dont want me to do because i have interpreted it wrong, i know that whatever your plan is will still happen.  Please Lord, know that I am trying to follow you and what you want me to do.

i want to feel you Lord, and know that you are still with me, even though i know you are, i want to feel you.

Lord i want your reassurance. am i still on the right track? have i been right all allow believing that you ahve shown me who my future husband is? please mold me, mold my heart, tune my ears to hear you.

Thank you for everything Lord, i look forward to hearing from you soon.

Amen

I had some thoughts cross my mind Lord.  I know one gift that you have given me is the ability to tell if the person communicating with me is being honest.  I am sorry that I dont use it more, and follow the instincts you hand me.

But I would certainly like to thank you. Thank you for changing my heart, and my mind.  Thank you for showing me the things that once were"ok" in my life, to be not so right anymore.  I dont want to continue down a path where you are not placed #1.  And I also dont want to do something I had done before, just to get the same end result.

In part o my day yesterday I thought some sort of break through had happened, I thought that my former ex, had reached a little point of maturity in being ok with being facebook friends.  (the ways people communicate now a days Im sure is looked at as artificial) and I agree, however, I do my best in keeping contact with those around me other ways.

However, it turned out to be a mistake that it was not intended to "Befriend" me.  And that is ok.  However, at this point was when I had learned of another time, that I was deceived at the mere cost of someone getting what they want.  And the cost to me was deception.

I feel bad for the person.  And I pray, that in life they will find that honesty in all situations is key.  And again, complete honesty.  The cost of being deceptive to others to benefit oneself, is self seeking on our part.

So therefore, the individual at one time that expressed my ex was indeed dating this sweet girl, and moving to colorado, was correct.  But he chose to play it off, as if the person was spreading false information.  He was not able to be honest with himself, or me.  Its saddening the individual I thought I had a clear impression of how he operated was incorrect.

And another thing that is saddening, is the basis on which others lie to help one another continue deception. 

Two things have been brought to my attention is discovering the truth.  The night that my ex contacted me for some sort of sexual contact... he must have be with this girl.  I feel sad for her. 

Also the "sex" issue that he referred to as the american way people do things, did not stop.  He didnt like the casual sex thing.  But i suppose at that point it was ok.  Because he wanted it then?

Lord, I pray for him and his newfound girlfriend.  I pray that you show them who you are, and reveal to them your awesomeness.  I pray that there would be no denying that Your way is best.

I do not pray for them to split, I merely pray you send people into their lives to hlep them grow.

And i thank you Lord, for making it profound to me the path I should seek.  Again, if i thought that Daniel was incredible, how much more will the individual YOU have picked out for me.

It is so easy to get caught up in our own desires, and if you are not number one we can be easily fooled into thinking what we choose to do, is what you want us to do. I dont want to be fooled Lord.  The last time I was in a relationship it was because of my choosing.

We didnt have you as a foundation.  We didnt seek your will.  We prayed maybe 3 times together in 8 months.  You clearly were not number one.  I am sorry.  But what happened is what it took to get my life back with you, renewed.

I am seeking you 100% You did not wish for me to be with Daniel for a good reason.  I pray that Daniel will take the time to realize any faults he needs conviction of to change.  I pray his new relationship is guided by you at all times.  Please Lord, help me be more Christ like. 

Help me be a true Christian.  I hate how now-a-days being a Christian basically means, " believe there is a God, or higher power".  Its a sad label placed on many now.  I dont want to be a part of that "label"

I want to be a part of your will for me.  I want to be obedient to You, I want to follow.  I want to be Christ like, i want to put you first.  I want my change to be real. I want others to see what a real Christian is.  And it is not just praying when you have a need.  It is not saying I believe in God.

Help me define the true meaning Lord.  and most of all, help me to show LOVE.  Help me to continue to be open minded, and caring, to others.  Dont allow judgment to enter my life.  That is not my place.  Show me how to be your servant.  how to speak to others. AMEN 

Well i came across that and i liked it, so i wanted to remember it.  I also seen something the other day..Work like you don't need the money dance like no one is watching sing like no one is listening love like you've never been hurt..... Love like you have never been hurt.  I will enjoy that one day.  Lord, thank you for your comfort and peace thorughout all of this.

I pray you please bless Derek with all that he has, I ask that you multiply his finances so he may do more work for you Lord.  Please remove any frustrations or stress that is in his life.  I pray during this time you would really speak to his heart.  I pray he would have a clear conciense and would be able to hear Your voice Lord. 

Please guide us both, and give us both more guidance on our future together.  I love writingi n my "God Journal" things you have revealed to me.  I think of how incredible it will be one day to share them with Derek.  Please encourage my faith Lord, I am reading reading reading, how can i NOT believe all these thigns are you?

So it is break time.  Time for me to step away a while.  Lord I ask during this time you show me things you would like for me to change.  I pray the same also for Derek.  Whether it is giving us revelations on our future together, or things i need to do to be a great wife one day, or whether he needs to work on some things, i encourage and ask of you Lord to please help me use this time wisely.

I also pray for Daniel, he will be leaving soon, and Lord i thank you for allowing me to get to know him, I thank you that i was able to see there are great people out there who are willing to communicate.  who want to be honest.  and that i can give my all to one person. Thank you for him.  Please bless him.  Please keep him safe on his journey, and bring people into his life to share their love of You with him.  I pray that his relationship with you would grow ENORMOUSLY, and he would feel his prime purpose is to satisfy You Lord, and to follow your will.

I pray for my ex husbands to be saved, as well as my mom, terry, trishden, derek, i pray that they all would be able to see my changes, and be curiuos, i pray that I would be setting a great example Lord, and if it is not great, please show me how to make it better.

Please keep us safe tomorrow as we go on our mini trip.  And please keep me safe when i leave on sunday for the mini mission trip.  please ensure that i come back home to my children.

Lord,thank you for changing me, and molding me.  I want to continue to grow, and learn and mature.  Please show me.

Amen

Lord, I have I guess sort of decided to take a little bit of a break.  Not even so much for myself, but for my friend.  Again he is MIA, and some days i have many thoughts that roam through my head, on different ways that this could be looked into

I try to think of things, that I would not like done to me.  And one thing is talking to someone, and not getting a response back, another thing is alongthe same line, but where it happens for a lot longer than a couple times.  The last time was about 5 days.  And in my head, i think that it is respectful to notify others if you plan on not talking to anyone for a while, so that no one gets worried. 

But i also have to understand that I am not that person, and i dont know what their mind is dealing with or how thye are viewing things.  But I did however notice, that once this person came around they were upset at the fact that they coudlnt get ahold of someone.  And i just think about how we should look at things that we as people are bothered by, and try to ensure that we dont do them to others.  And that is what i thought about all of that.  Here is my awesome friend, whom i love as a person, and i was very scared for him, thinking to the point something happened,

But thankfully he was ok, was just having a bad week, however.... tell someone.  And then someone is not getting back with him, and he is frustrated.  sigh. i can say i understand that frustration.

Anyways, i had been debating on taking a small break from my friend.  I am really starting to think that, i have been given all the tools to what is going to happen.  I feel that I KNOW this is my future husband with all of these confirmations You have provided me.  Sometimes i feel like you want to just smack me upside my head that I ask for so many confirmations Lord. lol  I just want to be sure.

Today the message at church helped me a bit.  As with Daniel interpretting the dream of the King, and having so much faith that God would show people how awesome he is and come through, I also feel as though, you are showing me things, and with all of these things i should just stop asking for signs or confirmations, but to put my faith to the works now. 

I think I am going to step back, and just pray for my friend.  I have had such an enormous peace over the last month concerning all of this, I am not so disturbed, or anxious, or worrysome.  I just have comfort and peace, and continue seeking You.  I just want to KNOW YOU.

I just worry Lord in getting things wrong, but wow, as many times as i have asked, and as many times as i feel you have shown me, maybe I should just be the one giving myself a slap to the face.

As i have been thinking from time to time, i have considered the possibility, that maybe it isnt me that is really having troubles with all this, but maybe he is.  i just thought of one thing that I didnt write down, but there was a moment where i had read something that resonated to me, and it was along the lines that he is scared that he has actually found his wife.... sure, that is possible.

i also consider however, again, of how busy he is in life, and how i wonder even though he is praying and asking You if I am his wife...... is he able to even listen right now?  or is he too focused on other things? And as  i have been debating this break, I have worried that it will come off in the wrong way Lord, yes i know that i get frustrated from time to time, and i have been taking the time to look over this sitation to make sure i am doing all this in the right motive.  Lord, you know my heart, and my intentions. 

It is true i feel disrespected when this happens, it is true i feel a simple text to say "im depressed i may not respond a while" is not a big deal.  it is true i worry, that here is a man i feel you are showing is my husband, but he wont communicate with me on the times where i think it is most important. it is true that i feel, if i am a true friend, it would be a nice thing to do. 

And as i shared with him, i feel even these little things we should use the "do unto others" moto.  Just as he wished his friend would get back with him, as so have i felt that he would get back with me. anyways, i suppose it shouldnt matter, and i certainly dont want to dwell or keep referring to that. :)

Lord, please give me comfort and more peace, as i decide for a little break a way.  If this is something that I should not do, then please, please show me that, i welcome all you have to show me. 

If he will need me at all, or if the time for a break is over, please show me that as well.  Lord I am putting this into your hands.  Please take care of Derek.  Please bless him with the comfort of you love, joy, and peace.  Please remove any things that are hindering him from feeling those.  I pray for an enormous passion to come over him to be in Your Word.  This man is incredible Lord, please lift him out of any despair he may have. 

Thank you for him, and our friendship.  Please show me how to be understanding and compassionate to him during his times of withdrawl.  If anything is tempting him Lord, i pray that he would rise above it.  i pray Lord that his relationship with you would prosper and continue to grow.  please place your hands on him.  comfort him. 

please direct both derek and I Lord.  please speak to our hearts.  I want to hear you Lord on this matter.  I welcome you.  i pray that you open our ears and hearts to Your voice.  bless his rest tonight, and his day tomorrow.

Amen

Lord, I haven’t done this in a while here, but I think I have a lot on my mind that it would be so much better to type it out. Thank you for all that I have come to learn over the past several months. As you of course know I have started my own bedside type journal to which I write things that I feel you are showing me or have confirmed so that I may keep record of it when times get quiet and you are just letting me go my path. I was looking over my bedside journal and there were a lot more occurrences than I had remembered of things you have shown me etc, I was going through them last night, and I couldn’t believe some of the things I had forgot about. I added another occurrence to my journal. It was with the lady from my church that I speak to on occasion. Now I am not certain if that was something I need to keep in my head or if that was something I just was emotional about, however I added it anyways so that I can document on it later. Another thing that I was thinking about was the fact that when it seems to come to any other subject besides my future husband, I have no doubts on the voice or Spirit that I am feeling. I have no questions on who it is. I was looking at othe times where I have heard or felt you and was comparing them. And when it was any other situation I had no doubts in my ability to decipher if it was you or not. I know that I have shared with you that I don’t want anything to come between us. I want to know all of you. I have no issues with you showing me that I have been wrong, or mistaken on the numerous times I have heard or felt you concerning this situation. However, I just still feel like I am not wrong, and that I am on the right track. But now I have a different concern. As you know I love to watch people and what they do or say. And now I am wondering if all this isn’t me, but Derek. I know how busy he is. And I have been wondering if he is just too busy to see anything you may have been presenting to him. And if this also may be the hold up on things working out the way the have been lately. One thing that has me a little nervous is this, I think that I would like the “in between” part of a relationship. At this moment I know Derek as someone that doesn’t “talk” about a lot of things. And many times important things. Communication is a very large portion of my pie. It takes up about 80 % of it. When people express things to me, I take that as them wanting someone to listen and to offer voicings of their own. Therefore, when I voice something to Derek, I expect to receive something back. Well, I guess I do, and its called silence. ? That is a little worrisome to me. But I guess perhaps it shouldn’t be? I mean, Lord if you are already showing me who he is, and confirming it time after time, and I haven’t already even met him, why am I worry about such things. I guess it it because, I know part of searching for a mate, you find compatible things about them. Which things you are willing to live with or not. I don’t want to just one day have him ask me to marry him, and me being like…. Uh.. well. Um. (being nervous and thinking “really? You want to marry me, but I have had no clue whatsoever, that you even feel for me more than a friendship?” I mean how confusing is that Lord, and that is what I am nervous about. Yes I would love to be in shock etc, but I certainly want to feel like things are mutual, and not just have something, come out of the blue. I want some reassurance on his end. Even just a bit, and he doesn’t have to say it over and over. Lol

Ok, so we are out camping, and I have had time to read in my book that I got from counseling at church.  I know that I have been having some tough times with how I think.  I know that sometimes I overanalyze things, but I also think that I do those things on account of people not being honest in the first place. 

I have lived much of my life not being aware of how people really operate.  I think that I have been naïve in a lot of sense.  Everybody is supposed to be very trustworthy, and we ourselves are to be trusted.  I know that I fulfill that role to the best of my ability.  I am very conscious of maintaining that role for myself. 

There were so many things that I have been totally unaware of.  False representations of things or people is a big one.  And it has caused me to be very leery of people.  I have since allowed myself to sit back and watch others.  Watch how they communicate, how do they deal with others, what do they say when others are not around, how do they use their words, or do they not use any words at all?

I have discovered that many people hide a lot of things, are not completely honest, or lie continuously.  Very rarely have a found a person that is willing to be in my line of view on how things are to be done.  Complete honesty. 

For these reasons I am scared in trying to make friends, in trying to let others in my circle, in being open and honest, but not getting it back, if thinking things are fine, but only to find out that something was never mentioned to me and was a problem all along.

I don’t want to live my life questioning people. I would like to believe that those around me would care enough to be honest all around, and find it a form of respect.  But unfortunately, they only look at theirselves.  Some would argue that it isn’t true, and they use dishonestly as a way to not hurt others.  That is an odd way of thinking, and quite deceitful to anyone, but also ourselves.

Lord with all this that I continue to gather and see those around me choosing this way of life, I ask that you help me to stand firm.  Please help me to gather confidence.  Please give me assurance that I will indeed find someone willing to accept how I look at things, and be in agreeance, be willing to be different with me.

I am scared, don’t like wondering every time if I am getting the full truth from anyone.  I understand that there will be times where I will not.  But when it comes to having a relationship with someone, this is a big fear. 

And now that I have feelings for someone, I am terrified. 

I have been mislead so many times by peoples words.  Misleading words, and lack of effort.

Lord, I want to please you, I want you to be my number one. Please help me to put my focus in you.  I want your love, your guidance, and your comfort.  I want to please you, I want to follow your will for me.  Who is Derek? Why do I get confused? I know why, its because he doesn’t choose to open up, he chooses to discuss around a subject, but never really to the specific question or topic.  Therefore leaving open the question( what I am trying to solve or understand) and causing it to be more open.

Is it something that is done on purpose? Or does he really think he is answering a question? I know that males and females resolve things differently and all around have different ways of going about things.  Maybe this is why he said “I don’t know what kind of answer you are looking for” maybe in his way he already answered it, but to me, it was just a bunch of extra stuff to be accompanied with a yes or no question.

I don’t want to continue having feelings for someone, if it is not mutual.  And if it is not, how do I know that with all the mumbo jumbo talk? Why is that so hard? And if you don’t know how you feel, then why don’t you just say THAT.

Lord,

I am learning more and more of you, and also myself.  It is never ending.  I want you to be my number one, I want to not slip away, I want to understand you, I want to be happy, I want to never be satisfied in searching after you, and always seeking more.

Thank you for the ways i have changed, thank you for helping me, you have opened so many doors and also closed many that have been of no good to me.

Lord I want to keep working on my sexual being.  I have had many things come around to tempt me, and one of the biggest ones Lord you had provided a way out.  Thank you for that.

I know that I do not want just anyon to touch me, I dont want casual things, I dont want flings, i dont want emptiness,

i want commitment, i want closeness, i want monogamy, i want what you want me to have God. 

Please help me maintain my view on sex and sexuality, on being a woman of God, on carrying my realtionship with you my priority.  Lord I would love to have a commitment with you, myself, and someone else, where we would wait until our wedding night.  Lord I want to accomplish that.  Please help me carry that out, please help me to grow even more in my relationship with you.

I believe sex before marriage is a sin. I know that it causes ruin before marriage.  I know that it would be hard for me to believe someone liked me for who i was if we had sex. I know that I would not like to cause any disturbance in my partners relationship with you by having sex with him.  I want to feel self worth. I want him to feel special, that i respect him and his relationship with you. I want him to feel self worth. 

I needed to write these things down Lord, so that i can look back at them when/if i ever i need to.

Thank you for guiding me, thank you for helping me see who i am, and that i can help others and still be a free open person, but dont need to be free or open in sex or sin, to still carry a great spirit.

Thank you for the loving people at my church, that have come forward in love and concern.  Please help me to grow more and continue to make more friends.

Thank you also for my friend Derek.  I ask Lord that you would continue to bless our friendship.  Please show me how else I can be of assistance.  How else can I support or encourage?

Lord I would like to learn more about your voice, please help tune my ears to hear you, and to KNOW it is you, and not have any doubt.

Lord you know what I feel about an experience that happened about 2 weeks ago.  I would like to be certain, if it is able to be time to be certain.  I know it was you all that week, continuously speakign to me.  Thank you.

I dont want it to stop.  I want to hear from you constantly, I want to know that I am on track.

Please show me Lord if what I feel is correct.  i dont want any doubt attached to it.  please help me to see.

thank you Lord

Amen

Dear Heavenly Father,

Wow today was a bit of a downer.  Thank you so much for my friend Derek.  Sigh, I am so thankful to have someone that loves you just as much to lift me up. 

I dont know what is making me so down today.  I know that I have been needing to write, but it has been hard.  I know that when i write, I have to think about things, and that is not always what I am wanting to do.

Lord please no, that I love trying. And today it really saddened my heart.  I love the part about me that is so uplifting and gentle and happy, and easy going.  And i really dislike the part about me that gets down, and sad, and negative, and angry.  Lord i dont want to be liek that. and i certainly dont want people to know me like that.

It is even embarrassing for me to tell things to people because i dont want to be looked at for the sad and badthigns that come about when i am sad and depressed.

please give me strength Lord, please bless me, and show me that I reallyt dont have it bad. And i honestly KNOW this Lord.  And it is not that I LIKE to get up and have a bad day, and be sad, and down.  I hate it.  It is not the person i want to be. And not how i want to live my life.

I am not certain what had caused any sort of trigger to make me feel like this today.

Lord I dont want to feel this way tomorrow, pleae help me to have ambition, and say I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. I will not have a bad day tomorrow!!! 

Last week was so great, I was so motivated and doign so much, and so proud of all that i was doing and accomplishing.  and my daughters, my awesome daughters. i know they loved all last week. and i did too, because i felt like a great mother.

why is it that something so easy i struggle with?  why do i feel i am working so hard when in my eyes i feel like i do nothing, but yet on the exact opposite of that, i feel like i am doing SOOOO MUCH, and i am working my butt off, and i cant keep up, and i am soo tired, and i help sooo many people, that sometiems i just wish i didnt have to be such a helper for people.  it is mentally exhausting and draining.

Thank you Lord for taking me and and helping me, thank you for those who are concerned about me, and have a genuine interest in my development and growth through you.

Please continue to talk to me o God, i am having a trouble right now with fear,. i think that is the trouble.

I am scared, i am fearful, of all the these happening inthis world.  I dont wnt to have fear, i want to live for the moment, and just keep living,

but right now this whole supermoon thing is freakin me out.  i am worried for people, i am worried about what is giong to happen in the next weeks, and Lord just yesterdcay i was reading about how i shouldnt worry, and i know this. 

Lord, i dont want to worry, i dont want to waste days in my life, for things that i cannot change, and i think that is one thing i am scared of , change.

i think of all these what if scenarios.  i need your help Lord. i dont want to lose you, and i want to keep searching after you. please help me feel you.

please take my confusions away.

Thank you Lord for those around me to help me, and right now, thank you so much for Derek, thank you for his compassion, and his love for you God, please show me how i can help him in times of need, and give me words of wisdom to help him also. help me to repay him for the times he has helped me.

Thank you for our friendship, and please bless it Lord, and help it to communicate better ,and get closer. help us to help eachother,

Lord please help me with my thoughts. sometims i feel that i have no control over them.  i dont want to have any wishful thinking in my head, that he is the one you have for me.  because i do not want to have that hope, and then it not be real..... is that the right way to think? or am i supposed to have that hope? i get confused on that Lord.

please show me how to think in that matter and how i can better my thought processes.

Thank you Lord for all that i do have, because i have very much. please help me to build my faith and hsow me what i can work on. i need you.

Amen

Ok Lord, I need to hear you right now.  ugh I feel sick and i thought it was going away!! ok focus.....

You grabbed my attention, and im pretty certain it was you.  i woke up today just feeling completely off.  very emotional and unstable.  im crying right now just because i am soo off balance. ugh. i dont feel well.

Lord, I need you, you know how much i need you.  I cant live without you, i need your instruction i need your guidance.  I want you to know i feel like you reached out to me today.  one thing i havent been certain on and have been praying about, especially after the first time it was brought to my attention.

i have been asking for clarity on this matter, because as you know there are some things that are so deceiving.  this had to be you. it just had to be. thank you for grabbing my attention.  and although i still may have a little bit of a time understanding, i know what i need to do.  and i did it, not only on my public sites, but even the photography ones.

as you know Lord with any change i am very scared. so i am scared. please know that.  but i know that you will take care of me, please help me be strong.

please continue to mold me Lord.  i really need your strength right now.  i am so scared and lost.  you know my heart. right now i feel super sick, but i have sooo much on my mind.

but all this couldnt have happened at a better time, i need you right now the most.

Today I felt like i needed to call Daniel.  Totally didnt expect him to pick up.  And he didnt, but that was fine.  I was driving down the road and I dont remember what made me think of him, but he was just a truly awesome person.  I loved how he was willign to communicate with me.  Anyways, I just wanted him to know that I really hope he is doing well, and gets what he wants etc.  I truly do want him to be happy. :) We all get to a point in our lives when we break up with someone that we get sour.  I know i have, and i cant expect him not too.  I feel things could have been different, i feel that communication could have still been extended past the break up.  But you cant have someone do something that they do not wish to do.  However, i still believe in complete honesty.  And a few things i think could have been a little more open about, or honest about.  you dont have to give me a life story on why or why you choose not to do something, but you can be short and sweet and to the point, without lying or hiding the truth. :)

Lord, today was a great day overall.  There are many things I would like to gladly have your assistance on.  I want to be "fit" in so many ways.  I want you to change me.  Keep molding me.  The only way to learn to be better at something is through trial and error.  I want to be physically fit.  I know that if i can keep myself active i have much more energy and a lot more gets done.

I also want the ability to not let my thoughts have control.  And Lord you have helped me SOOO MUCH with this subject.  Ask and you shall receive.  I would just get bombarded with my thoughts on why things happen or why not, it would over take me and overly consume my life.  I lifted that up to you to help me with, and a huge change has taken over.  I dont want this change to stop however, and i want you to know that i am still seekign this.

And certainly the conversation i was having with you today... about sex.  My biggest weakness.  After living the way i have for about 12 years, its the only thing i really know.  However, I want to know what it is like to honestly know someone before allowing them to explore me sexually.  Sexual things should be the most intimate thing to encounter with someone, why would i limit myself in allowing someone to just be able to have me based on no account whatsoever?  That is one of the easiest things to do.  But why not be certain who i think someone is?  Why not pursue what someone is really after? 

Lord I need you help in this.  I pray for this almost every day if not many times a day.  I want your outlook to be my outlook.  Yes sex is great and fun, and i have certainly encounted my share of experience.  But I need your help.  Help me to see the value in waiting.  Help me see my worth.   I dont want to be just another girl to someone else, and I certainly dont want the next person I like to be just another sex partner whom i like.  I want it to be more than that.  I need you to help me and mold my thoughts. 

Please help me. 

Sigh, so many confusing things when it comes to trying to understand what i believe in.  I just want to do the right thing, and then all this name change stuff, and what is really happenign in our world, and different prophecies that are yet to be fulfilled. Lord I really need your comfort right now, please give me wisdom from all of this confusion.

please lead me to the path i need to go to. i need help.

so many things in my head right now.  take me and mold me. shape me. teach me.  please help me find comfort in you. stability. security.assurance. understanding.

Having a difficult time right now.  Not really difficult, but more perplexing.  I really think that i must be the only one that thinks the way i do.  I have this yearning to understand why people do what they do.

And for many simple things i do not understand why it is so difficult to just tell someone their thoughts? i express mine. 

are people afraid to hurt eachother?

this was one thing that i really liked about Daniel.  i never found a communicative partner quite like him.  well until the end :) (he quit being so open lol) 

i rather have someone be very open and honest with me, so i dont have to play guessing games.  my question i had today involved kissing someone. but what if that person didnt want to be kissed? i would much rather have someone inform me that they didnt think of me in that light, then for someone to push me away when i went to kiss them ya know?

also, i just assume that when someone is friends with someone else they can talk about multiple things.  in my opinion i talk with people about many different things, so then why is it when i have something that i wish to address it just gets dismissed?  i just dont find that being fair i guess.

at one point it was brought up that we had talked about it before........ well... lol in my opinion i wasnt done, but you were, lots of questions i still had, but yeah, anyways :)

i guess that is the big difference with males and females, so now my quest is in trying to figure out.... how do i go about finding an individual that values my thoughts and will give equal opportunity for me to still express who i am and not have me feel retarded? lol

i mean if i had someone that seemed bothered over something, and needed to address it over and over, i would try to at least help them and address it again. would i want someone to continuously ask me things? well no... but if i was the cause of them asking e things over and over, and i could avoid it be merely talking about the situation again, then why not? what does that hurt? meh.

whatever :)

so now, there is a little game going on. it must be the "im gonna show you" game. i could be entirely wrong, and i have no issues with admitting it, if in fact i am wrong.

Lord, sigh.  I just want to be accepted, i dont like feeling stupid, and i know other people arent trying to make me feel that way, however, it is how i feel.  what do i need to work on? Will i find someone that will like my personality and being so inquisitive? or will i not?

i tend to think people just dont like to open up anymore.  they would rather be in a shell. but not me.

back to reading in exodus.

thank you Lor.d

I have been extremely thankful this last week or so.  I have addressed some concerns, as i thought they were being brought to my attention.  I do feel a lot better, i feel relief from a lot of issues.  i need to realize i just dont have control over who likes me, or why they do or dont.  i just need to work on what things i would like to have better about myself. 

i look at the relationship with my best friend, it has now been 22 years.  we have had so many ups and downs, and times we disappointed each other.  but thankfully we did not give up, and kept pursuing our friendship.

i want those types of people in my life. peiople who are willing to work with one another, willing to accept one another, and not just dispose of people because they have their own way at life, their own way of learning, their own way of dealing.

i dont want poeple to look at me and have to worry about me telling them they dont want to talk anymore, :) i want people to look at me as the person who is always willing to keep learning about others. 

i am also very thankful at somethign i have been praying about lately.  my want to just be friends.  there have been so many things in the past where i would just like to be liked. that was how i felt worth. and when someone would like me i would feel good.  i would also go right into having feelings for someone pretty fast.

i dont want that.  i dont want to be cuaght in a trap.  i want to experience what it is like to honestly have someone care for me as a friend, and honestly believe they want me as a friend.

i also dont want to be getting discouraged if that is all someone likes me for.  why does that have to be negative in my eyes? it shouldnt be. please keep helping me with that Lord.

Lots of things to go over in my mind.  :) sigh gossip is a root of evil. why do people do it? it bothers me.  i was informed  of something and decided to go right to the source... now this person neither accepted or denied what i had heard, but was just kind of crabby that i guess people knew? anyways... i was trying to do the right thing, and stop the gossip if it in fact was not true.  also by stopping gossip, it would do no good to gossip on who was talking.  i still speak to at least 7 people that he goes through, but the point is... it doesnt matter.  but i was a little discouraged when it got turned around on me, i guess that is the thanks you get nowadays. :) oh well... take heart, these days are only temporary, and i have no control over others and how they act. all i can do is work on myself, and be able to realize when i need to change something.

but the fact that the person got crappy WITH ME, upset me, what did i do? was it because i wouldnt agree to carry on who is disposing of the information?  i mean i guess if you dont want it known then dont tell people... but , sigh. it was brought to his attention, and he can now do as he wishes.  but you certainly dont have to be a dick to me about it. 

back to gossiping, so i contacted one of the individuals, and asked some questions.  it was later admitted to me, that they didnt KNOW for a fact any of the things. it was admitted it was gossip, even though this person really feels they know what is happening... really? why?  why would you do that? this person neither spoke to him or his girlfriend, to KNOw of any such matter.  aye aye aye.  my goodness people.  really?  here i am trying to do the right thing of bringing it to someones attention of what is being said ( oven though i could have just let it go) but i wont. despite everything i still respect this person, i still care, and no one deserves crap talked about them,  and now who knows how he feels. and all this because you just wanted to gossip? thats just wrong, leave people alone. 

i have been praying for him, in many peoples eyes, he should be an enemy, but i disagree.  was he hurtful? sure.  lied a bit? sure. but when have i been any better?  who am i to cast those stones?  i have done my share, and for me to cast him out because of any reason is not Godly, I am to respect everyone for their place in life.  I am a brother and sister in this family.  It is my job to try to accept people no matter how unkind or upsetting it may be.  I will be judged on it later.  And to me, that bothers me enough, but to many, not enough.

next matter of thought BAPTISM!!!! yeah!! it was awesome!  for those of you that have a pattern to judge christians.... i think i understand a little bit.  i have been there.  i would do the same thing on many occasions.  and for those of us who ARE christians, it is an easy trap to fall into.  "well you cant be christian because you curse" "well you cant be because you do nude modeling" "he said this, thats not what a christian says"  "he doesnt go to church enough" its a horrible trap to fall into.  and after my experience in california, i know how much i do not want to fall into that trap.  we are called to love others.  and judging comes in many forms.  we dont know of all the forms because most likely our relationship with God could be better and better.

it is with God that we can see things that we couldnt normally see.  he will change our perspective, we will see with his eyes, hear with his ears.  and it is a relationship that changes non stop.  if you truly seek after it, he will continuously mold you. 

so for those of you  that have those moments that point fingers(as do i) be patient, dont dispose of anyone, pray for them.  realize it is an everlasting relationship.  we are called to help others.  support and encourage, and if you mess up (as do i) dont give up, you can always change things. 

i cant wait to get the pictures in from the baptism, i was so proud to let others know that i am consciously do the best i can in carrying my life on a new level.

christianity is not corny, but it was when i knew nothing of it.  again because i did not have understanding, i wasnt searching to be more of God. 

now, when i have things that perplex me, or that happen in the moment of happening, i pray.  do you think if i react right at that moment, it would be postive? most likely not, but it could be possible, but its more feesable that it will not happen the best way, we are people who like to have control over everything. we like to make the decisions.  when i get upset, and say something not very kind, that was me, having at the control that i want. but i can turn back and always keep giving it my best.

i mess up all the time, but do i give up? no. i jump right back in.  we all can do this.  put God number one. 

next up.... Love.  I have figured out that Love, is an idol of mine.  I didnt think of it as an idol until yesterday.  What do i think about before i go to bed or when i wake up, or just day dream about during the day.  what do i want to succeed at, what do i feel will make me happy if i can JUST have that. LOVE. 

my thinking needs to be different.  in this way i am putting God second to Love.  when if i would just put him above my biggest want, i can get the love i want.

some of us, it is Career or job. that is our primary focus.  but how much focus does God get over your career?  some of us, it is a certain person, or relationship. it can be many many things.

Thank you Lord for revealing my idol that is before you, so that i may work on it.

You know my heart, you know my desires.  It has always been to find true love, someone to love me for who i am, and love my faults also.  Please help me Lord,to change my ways, and put you first.  Please help my focus to be you.  I need your help in this, because without your help, i am going to keep falling.  Please give me control over this want, and desire.

And when the time is right, Please Bless me with a Godly man.  Please finish our family by having this leader. 

Be very careful when you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a mans rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal! Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved.

So yesterday wasnt too bad, I got my five miles done, and studied a lot on the different credit based laws.  My eyes felt really crossed eyes and glossed over by the time it was all done.  The day was rather productive thankfully.  Today I am just exhausted but I havent really woke up as of yet.

Yesterday my oldest expressed she wished her father and I were still together.  I understand how saddening that is for her.  And today my youngest expressed the same thing.  I dont know what it is like to really have a split or broken family.  I grew up with both a mom and a dad figure my whole life, i didnt have to leave every other weekend, or one day a week.  Or i didnt have to live with just a single mom most of the time.  I am thankful for that.  We all make mistakes and I have made mine, and i will learn from them.  I know this time around is going to be different and I am thankful for that also.  I know that if I am meant to find someone to join me in my family it will be great.  but i guess I cant be certain that it will happen, maybe i am not meant to remarry.

I certainly hope that is not going to be the case, because i crave companionship so much.  i have hopes and dreams of just hoping that my fantasy story will someday come true to meet my knight in shining armor.  someone who finds me awesome.

thank you Lord for all that you are doing for me.  thank you for the peace in my life when things are tough, thank you for being the one that truly does love me right now.  please help me need only you and nothing more, but if i can have something more, it would just be an awesome added bonus.  you feel my hearts desires Lord.  is there anything i can do on my side of the whole picture to help anything? besides just trusting in you?  do i need to actively search on the darn sites again or something? what do i need to do? if there is something, please let me know....

today is goign to be a busy day. its my free weekend!! that is always exciting... at least it is supposed to be, but most of the time i am just sitting by myself waiting for the girls to come back.

tomorrow is the photoshoot, and that should be exciting. oh yes!! i just remember something.  i was a little bummed out because tomorrow is the last day for my phone service and it was supposed to get turned off, but since i have that shoot, i can add service. yay!

yesterday seemed a little hard, i was trying to really not contact my friend, and just let him contact me, so that i would know that he would want to talk to me.  of course i was wanting to send good morning texts, and hope your day is good and so on.  but i just let him do it.  he already knows that i like him, and that i think he is great.  I think i just need to back down at this point.  and if someone wants to talk to me, i just need to let them show that to me, in my girly ways.  but Lord, i am going to need your help in all this.  i am not good at keeping silence.  but i dont want to provide any pressure on trying to have something happen that just might not.

i remember saying something to him along the lines of him not liking me more than a friend, because i was curious. i still wanted to know where his mind was at, in that point of time. and he replied with something along the liines of him not saying that and i was putting words in his mouth.  i think the smart thing to do at that point would have been to ask if i would be putting words in his mouth if i were to say he does like me as more than friends.  but i didnt. but i wish i would have.

i know all about how people use language to their benefit, by not saying exactly what they mean but also being able to say " i didnt say that" well no, you didnt say it, but is that what you think or mean? see what i mean.  so i really try to use my words wisely so that my thoughts and meaning, and intent all are reflected in what i say. not hidden by my words because i cant or dont want to say what i really mean.

that is what i mean by honesty. and communication. but people dont seem to do it like i do.

i want someone that does, and that will. i dont want to have to figure out all the time what someone means because they cant just vocalize it.

help me with today Lord.  let me do as you would like.  guide me, help me.  i need it.  i dont want to be a pest,

Well i have had a lot of stuff going on in my head these last few days.  I was goign through quite the confused period towards a friend of mine.  I swear my brain just takes over sometimes, but also i think much of that could certainly be avoided just be having some input on the otherside, yes i understand you had testing etc, but also how many times did you text or have time to go eat. i just think about those little things.  much time was spent texting bs to me about cats licking paws after dinner etc, so that is just my .02 on that :)

i agreed with a lot of the conversation that finally took place as far as what a relationship should be etc.  i was thankful to hear his side of things on what he thinks.  i like that we were on the same page.

i want to trust someone, i want it to be my turn to have someone that is willing to be open with me about everything.  and i guess in some aspects i have had a little bit of doubt with him.  not that i dont trust him, because i trust him totally.  i love his outlook on a lot of things.  but the doubt that i have, is in his communication.  it could just be a guy thing, or it could just be not his cup of tea to answer every darned thing that crosses my mind. lol but yes that doubt was there. 

i want to feel as if everything is valid i think or say, and yes i know he has said that it is, but i also listen to responses of his, or even non responses of his, and put that into play as well.  anyone can just SAY things, but the actions help define them.

so anyways, i took the little talk that happened last night and prayed about it for quite some time.  i want God to reflect with me on what i heard and give me thoughts.

i understand that the conversation was all just one little piece to the whole cake, but its there for a reason.

i guess i just get frustrated when i feel ike i am trying to understand, but still feel like i dont understand in the end.  its all i want to do... understand. know who someone is as a person.

some things were brought up about an ex girlfriend and how she freaked over a text and thought some other girl was texting etc, i remember thinking.. how can people be like that to someone?  its ok to question, but ASK, nicely, be inquisitive, and learn to communicate and build trust.

yes i have had my share of moments. i have no doubts in that, but it just saddens me a lot that i really want someone who wants what i want, but why is it so flippin hard to find someone to share that with?

then some other things were discussed that in one way shocked me, but in another comforted me.  sex addiction.  i thought it was a stupid thing the darn counselors were just tryign to make money off of me and keep suggesting that i go to support groups etc. but i just never went.  instead i thought it was all bull honkey and just measured it up to me being a very open and free person.

one thing i wanted to know about myself was who i was sexually, sex was everything, i needed to experience it all.  and it was never good enough. always wanting more. pushing the lines a little more and more, but just never satisfied.

and to hear of someone else basically goign through the same thing i did. what a relief in some stand points. and also a relief that if anyone can understand, this person should.  its a hard thing sometimes for me to talk about but at least i know with this person there will be understanding if i need it.

it was also a relief to hear that he is also in the same boat as i.  It was almost weird hearing him talk about a cycle that has happened with each one of his girlfriends (as it was my cycle) and then talking about wanting a best friend(i understood) and not wanting sex to be in the equation. ( i am so there)

yes i LOVE SEX AND I JUST CANT GET ENOUGH!! but also, im tired of being alone, im tired of questioning why someone likes me, im tired of ever wondering if someone just likes me for who i am. 

and over the last month of so i have been really running this issue over myself about how i want things to be.  i KNOW that one reason i wanted sex was to feel like someone liked me, but i want to feel that without sex.  i want to feel like i am someones world without them having to fuck my body. i want to feel wanted just be their company, i want to see their want in their eyes. i want them to gaze at me in aww because i am special.

but i want to FEEL that from someone.  without sex.  just by being my friend and making me feel wanted, and that i matter. but of course, no confusing crap. dont make me feel wanted if you dont want me in that way. lol

so then i also thought about the fact, that he and i have quite a bit in common.  And with me knowing how much of a struggle sex is for me, i can certainly understand what it can be for him.  and i want to support him.  i dont want to be the one to make him fall in any way.

we are looking for the same things, and have basically been on the same route before, what better friends to hold each other accountable?

Lord, I need your help.  I need you to help me be a friend.  And only that.  I have these thoughts of how i like this person etc, but I dont want to give my hopes up.  I need you to take these ropes for me.  Help me to be focused on being a friend, and not have attachments.  The odds are against me.  And i need some realization here.  I am not sorry that you couldnt have this all set out for this person to be meant for me because you are awesome.  But, I dont want another let down.  So Lord please if you will help me with this.  After this whole stupid communication battle, I just totally freaked myself out.  So i think maybe distance?

I mean this whole time I spend analyzing responses, thoughts, actions, conversations, tone of voice, non responses etc.  And despite all my tryign to understand, i dont.  so what do i do from here>?   i just dont want to keep setting myself up in hopes of actually having found someone like myself, with similar interests, and the way i woudl like to depict things, a love for all, wanting a family, and to better themselves, and help others etc. plus many other things.

they say men tend to fall for someone like their mom, and women like their dad. he is encouraging, loving, humorous, computer oriented, i miss my dad. :(
 

why do i sort of feel depressed
as far as today, it was pretty decent.  the baptism class was great, i stayed in with the class for parents, but really questioned going in the other room.  But either way no matter which room i went into there was still some great stuff.

i felt so awesome after class and the pastor came in to the room to find me.  i almost want to cry thinking about it, i ran over to him and gave him a giant hug. i actually didnt realize his tallness(even with my boots on) must be the stage he stands on or something.
but he had this enormous glow on his face. he was so excited i could tell that God was in their room. he said there were many great stories that were told, and it even seemd as though he was gonna cry.
i sort of wish i would have went in with the other adults, but its ok.  i learned a lot about being a parent and setting that example for my girls etc. i guess i have mixed emotions about where i was.
i almost forgot about drama auditions.  i went in, and immediately felt pretty low.  These people are really incredible. i have never done this before. and when it was my turn, i was really discouraged. but i am happy that i got up there, and went tonight. it would do me know good to sign up for something God asked me to do, if i didnt at least give it my best. and that is all i can do
.i think that i will send an email tonight to the lead people and just let them know that i honestly have no problems with being turned down, i just want them to know i am here for soemthing and i dont know what it is yet, and i dont want any sort of pitty part, because whatever it is that God has me here for, will come in the right time. ugh i dont know if that makes any sense or not.
just got a comment from one of the people that was there on my facebook page.

thank you Lord for these doors you are opening for me.  Thank you for these nice people that are not trying to intimidate me, but honestly be my friend. Help me please to be there for everyone in any way that i can.  Let my light shine.  Use me Lord.

Please bless my girls and I with a completed family.  Please lead my way.

Thank you for changing me, for listening to me ramble and hearing my thoughts.

This was actually written on Monday, but I didnt have access to the site and wrote it elsewhere.

Yesterday I was granted some peace, sometimes my mind just takes over and i
think way too much.  I really didnt think that I would start liking this friend
of mine.  And now that I am, I am scared.  i dont want this to be just another
crush or what have you.  Last night I found some more things out about him.  I
keep praying to you Lord about my confusion and how I dont know if you are
making this the person for me.  And it seems that when i pray for that I find
something else out about this person that just matches me or what I am looking
for.  But I dont want to be deceived Lord.  I dont want my wishful thinking to
take over and cause me to be blind. 


I am so free in so many areas and just have been thinking that it will be
impossible to find someone with my sort of thinking.  And through talking i
discover his love for art.  Many forms of art.  It was so encouraging.  It was
incredible.  And then I had a thought, that at least I know, if he is not the
one for me, YOU Lord will send someone so much better.  And that is hard to
digest at times.

He talked of how he was proposed to 3 times by his ex's, and in a way it broke
my heart, but i dont know for what reasoning.  I think it was basically feeling
as though i wouldnt be worthy enough.  But why do i think that?  Why do i put
myself down on things like that?  I am awesome.  But i think a lot of it, is
just not tryign to give my hopes up.


Lord you know how much I want to please someone.  I want to Love someone with
all my heart, I want to give my all.  I am craving for a partner.  And this
person that I just totally didnt think I would have anything with comes along...

and I love talkin to him.  I love the fact that he loves you Lord. I love
reading with him.  I love his kindness, I love his way of thinking.  he is
incredible.  Lord I need you to continuously guide my way of thinking.  I need
you to lead me. Lead my thoughts.  Help me not to get caught up in wondering
what everything means, or why someone does or does not respond to things.  Help
me Lord to have you as a focus.  I know you will bring me someone.  I know that
he will be all that i want. 


I had a dream last night Lord.  Sometimes I wonder if dreams are meant to tell
us anything, or if they are also just wishful thinking.  But he told me he loved

me.  I remember the feeling I had.  It was of shock.  almost like i didnt
believe that someone like him so awesome could love someone like me.  Did that
dream have any meaning Lord, or was it just another dream.  I guess I will never

know.

Thank you Lord for the comfort that I asked for in helping my day yesterday be
so great.  And being able just to enjoy his company over the phone.  I couldnt
help myself, I just wanted to play.  I understand this is my horny week in my
cycle, but gees.  So i get to bed, and start "relaxing" and get a text from him
:) and certainly that is always welcomed.  i stopped what i was doing, but then
while talking i decided to.... turn my toy on low. lol oh boy.  anyways.  the 5
minutes turned into almost 40. and we discussed some other things having to do
with things i have an interest in.

i was actually rather shocked to hear soem things, but i also felt good about
hearing about them, i think i can be rather wild, and just never thought i could

find someone to compare, but i think i have met my match in that area.


but only time will tell.  and i just need to chill.  and realize i will probably

never be satisfied about how i am responded to, and just take each day a day at
a time.

Dearest Heavenly Father,

I dont know where to begin today.  I am so thankful for so many things.  Thank you most of all for changing my life around, i love this process, i am being at peace.

I do not feel so lonely with my current friend.  I am loving the amount of patience I have with my girls, the energy i am given and the ambition to try and start working out again.

i want to feel better in so many ways.  emotionally, physically, spiritually, and self conciously.  i am feeling better about myself.  i know there is much to be worked on but i understand this is all a process.

please continue to lead me in this life you have given me.  and Lord when you see fit, PLEASE bless me with a Godly man to lead me.  I have so many desires. so many fantasies, so much love to give out.

but firstly, please help me to distinguish between just being lonely and craving the want of a relationship with really feeling that i want a relationship with someone.

i understand that our humanly desires can get in the way Lord, and i dont want that, i want to know whatever i am feeling is coming from you.  i dont want to shy away from you Lord, i want to understand you, just as i someday want to have the pleasure of loving and understanding someone you have given to me.

i feel i am a great asset, but i want someone else to feel that as well. and for them also Lord to know that if a relationship is started, we would know it is of YOU.

i have my sad days Father, where i still get confused and let others get to me on their beliefs or just bringing me down in general. please help me to focus even more on you.  i dont want their attention.  i want your guidance. i want comfort in what i am doing. i want confidence.

Lord many things are happening.  you know them.  offers are coming in for modeling, drama at the church is starting, i am gathering feelings for someone and still very nervous, and also a job opportunity is what i would call it.

i am very confident in all of these Lord, however, i am still hesitant on my feelings.  but i do know that you are leading me, and i need to let these things be up to you.  it is up to you if i fall in love, but Lord please know i am nervous, i dont want to fall into a trap, and i also dont want this person to fall into a trap. the trap of being lonely and so desperately craving love.

Lord i am asking that this may be true. please guide my thoughts, and his as well. i feel emotional right now.. why is that? because i am scared? because it is true? 

please help me grow each day in your love, and let my life shine to the world. i am not perfect, but i am living for you.

thank you thank you thank you

Today was a good day, I completed 5 miles, and that made me feel really good about myself.  And i must give that to my grandmother for calling me to brag that she just did 5 miles.  So then of course i felt like i had to get on the ball.

I have been really thankful lately for a great friend.  A very kind spirit.  It certainly helps just bein friends in the beginining because you can analyze a lot of things to see how their real persona is.  I am truly attracted to what i have seen so far.

It does however get scary because i want to share everyday things, and that is where i get confused on the matter.  Its different being a friend to someone and starting to like them and wish they were closer or around more, but yet at the same time still be "just" a friend and be able to talk about the ways that i mess up from day to day.

It gives me the common fear of "what if" what if i admit that i did such and such wrong? what if i confess that i something mean? what if i express too many of my thoughts? but then i try to think, well.... misti, if that changed anything, it wasnt meant to happen.  and as easy as that should be to just get over, its not.  because i dont want to like anyone if its not mean to be, i only want to like the person i am meant to be with so i dont have to go through the rejection thing all over.

i wonder if i am getting too excited on some matters. i wonder if i am voicing too much.  i dont want to scare anyone off.  i just want them to be on the same page as me.  understand where i am comign from, how my thoughts work, why i think what i do etc. and if we are not on the same page, i would like the courtesy of knowing that so i can stop making a fool of myself. i rather have the truth.

Today i believe was one of those days that i was being tested, and dont think i did so well.  I caught myself in my "intent"  and it just caused a big fire to burn.  So i do have miexed emotions.  i ran the situation over with my best friend, and i feel i deserved what i had coming to me, she doesnt understand why i feel that way
 

i have this issue with myself or people i should say.... it really bothers me when i am not liked.  and this one person for some reason can irritate the crap out of me. lol and those two combined are a deathly sentence.

i am trying really hard to just look at what i have done wrong, so that i am not spending time looking at what the other party did or said. it doesnt matter what they did, i have no control over them, i have control over myself and that is what i can fix.

yes i agree with my friend that no one should say things that were said to me once again, i am in agreeance with that, HOWEVER, i instigated a bit, and that is my fault.  the instigation was not meant to be negative so much, but just to get a little bit of a rile and an answer, i dont like to be ignored.

Lord, i need more self control in this matter.  i need to realized that not everyone will like me, nor will they accept me.  Please help me to strengthen my outlook on this matter.  Please hel me to fix myself and my wrong doings, and also know precisely what my intentions are when doing something.
 

Thank you for giving me conviction on this matter and how I could have held back and none of this would have started.  I will take the blame.  I am sorry

Oh Lord,

Why do i confuse myself so much, and why do i confuse others.  Here I have this individual that is Godly, and just plain outright awesome.  Thinks a lot like me, however, I am sure there are many things he does not think like me about.  Like why i am so confusing, lol

Lord IF this is the person you are bringing to me, help me not to push them away.  I feel as if i do that all the time.  I get scared, and then would rather just push someone away than to see where it could go.

I keep going through these moments where i like someone liking me, and then i would rather be left alone (although knowing that i wouldnt really like to be left alone) its just that i am getting scared and would almost rather push them off myself, than to risk liking them.

but also this is what i have been praying for, so Lord i also know you are confused with me also.

i feel ridiculous right at this moment,

here i am contributing to the fact of liking someone by doing these mock moments as in asking him to lay with me and hold me etc. but then i jump on him for calling me mittens? really? what is my deal? poor guy, what if i really do scare him away?

Lord, i need your help with me on this one.  well everything, but you know i come to you for it all.  I pray to you all the time for a spouse, for the love of my life.  and then, i find an interest in someone that i havnet pursued really before, and find myself wanting to talk to him more and more.  buty then i get scared, and i think "cmon misti, seriously? think about it, california, and indiana, there is no way to find out anyting with that amount of distance" but then i also want to be wrong.

then i think about it, and i also think some of it has to do with control.  me trying to obtain the control that i know one day i want to give to someone, but also fearing that the day is coming to give it up and not allowing it. 

Lord, let me have a reality check, but not MY reality check, let it be of YOU. Where do you want me to go with this?

I honestly dont mind the pet name things, i like it. i love it. but part of me doesnt want it started because of the fear of liking him too much. and not stopping it.  or liking someone so far, and not being able to get closer or build things.

Oh Lord, I am sorry for doing this.  Please take over this confusion for me, please show me what i should feel, or how i should react.  I dont want to be this unstable freak.  And sometiems that is how i feel.  I felt like that last night, and then i realized i was doing the same thing he was, and then apologized, and then of course got no comment.  so of course he is probably second thinking who i am.  ugh. im just lost Lord, and now i want to lay back down, because i dont like thinking about this.

I need you Lord.

Lots accomplished today.  The brakes were finished, got more grocery shopping done, and decided to move around my kitchen items in their cabinets. where did that energy come from? i also read in my bible said a very lengthy prayer earlier, and now am actually ready for bed with 45 minutes to spare.

i decided to set a goal for myself. my goal of weightloss is going to be 17 lbs. i know that if i dont set a goal, then i want to stay the same, and i dont want that.  i want to feel better about myself and that is one thing i would like to do.

I talked with the Lord today about relationships.  About how i get confused.  People think they want things, and then dont, or vice versa.  I have asked him to show me my next step.  This interest that i have, is it worth my time?  If this isnt the person he has in store for me i honestly dont want to pursue in anything.  Frienship is fine and acceptable, but i dont want my feelings getting mixed up.  I have asked him to separate these things for me.  And also for the other.  Sometimes when someone is alone for so long, you think the person you like is the one you should be with.  I dont want to make that mistake. 

Lord, again as i expressed today.  Please guide my thoughts in this matter.  You know of me being scared, you know that I am nervous to fell for someone that is not meant for me and risk being upset.  I need you to sort these matters for me.  If i should not be pursuing this person, please show me.  Please allow me the knowledge of what to look for to decipher which path to be taking.

So many thoughts in my day today.  I dont like to think negative about things.  I want to be understood by someone.  I dont like thinking that i am not understood.  I want to finally meet someone that would like to find out what i am about, who wants to understand why i think the way i think.  I want to understand why i think the way i think also.  But i want someone to share with me, I cannot share with myself. I feel empty in that sense.  Sometimes I say things because i want to express a thought or such, but then when i do that I am not responded too.... and that is what confuses me. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things, I also like to understand other people and how they work and why.  I get a feeling of insecurity when i try to open up a little bit or express a thought, and then feel like i am left in the dark.  maybe it is the person and not me, maybe it is neither of us, maybe the person didnt like what i said, maybe the person has the same thoughts and didnt want to respond, maybe the person thinks i am getting in over my head, maybe the person..... i have no flippin clue.

but i do know that i am nervous, and i am scared.  part of me doesnt want to allow myself to be liking someone at this point. i feel as though i am not ready. i got out of the last relationship and of course felt devastated. And then went through a moment where someone was really liking me, but i just wasnt at that point.  I just wanted a friend, but this friend wanted more, but thankfully i was also having a great friend to talk to.  But holy flippin cow, i am starting to like this friend.  I dont know if i want to allow this to happen. 

I look at the possibilities.  The differences in our lives, where we live and what i have to contribute.  I feel like i would bring him down.  He is a hard worker, has no kids, is used to the single life, big state, large cities, and possibly not much trouble just living financially.  I already was holding someone back before. What do i have to give? Love. But that just doesnt seem fair.  Two very distyles.  Getting in a relationship with me... I just dont know what else i could offer. 

Lord, I dont know what all my thoughts are doing today.  I go through these moments where i am confident, and others where i pull back.  I am scared, I know that I ask you for a partner and my spouse, but I really dont want to go through something again where I give my all to have a letdown once again.  Please show me what I need to be doing with this right now.  This is a big thing for me and my girls to go through.  If this person is not it please show me so i may move on and not waste my time, or more importantly for this person to not waste his time on me.

Things are really turning around.  I am really thankful.  I havent written in a while, but just not all that certain what I want to write about.  I decided to get baptised at the end of this month.  I have been trying really hard to strengthen my relationship with Christ.  I have failed numerous times in many tests along the way, but I am not failing in humbling myself, and in doing that alone I am feeling my love for Christ blossom.  Just sunday in church the pastor had a great sermon on Love.  And at the very end, he asked people if they may be consumed with a current relationship or a past one to stand.  And that was my calling.  Yup, I was consumed, always wanting more answers because i really want to understand.

And then I know someone so well that I know when they are lying or only telling part of a truth, so then i want more answers.  But the truth is, when someone is already doing that, they are already closed down, and don't care much anymore.  But I overload myself with wanting more answers.  Anyways, I stood up.  I was prayed for, and I am feeling more peace.  Some answers i am just not meant to know.  Some people get exhausted just being honest.  For me.... I don't.  I do not feel I should be carrying someone else's task at doing their dirty work.  But maybe I am just so good at it, its best. Or maybe its easier to forget than to deal.

Looking forward to this new life of mine.  Im sure there will still be heartache, and anger, and all the other natural human emotions, but now i have something to back up my thoughts, and its not "me"

it's not about me or what i want anymore.  Thank you Lord for your help.  Please guide my thoughts and actions.  Thank you for all the tests you give me, thank you for ehlping me grow, thank you for my new friends, thank you for freeing me.

A little bit of a shocker today.  My brother called and wanted to talk to me.  He tells me he ended up goign to visit Jason.  I guess I really dont know what to feel or say or anythign at the moment.  I learned that this is the 2nd time he has visited him.  The first time was when he was deployed to Iraq, he went up there at about midnight and basically showed up at his doorstep. wow. I understand my mom is very scared and a little stressed out about the situation.  I also understand now why she has been asking me if i have heard from my brother these last couple of days.  So he told me the conversations they had and what jason had to say about things.  He told me he wanted to know if Jason would just cover up stories or if he would admit to them. I guess he fessed up to everything.  I feel kind of numb right now.  Here is this man that I have known about for about 20 years of my life now.  I understand that he is rather eager to have a relationship with us going.  I just dont know what i think.  Things arent just all peachy now that he decided to hop in. 

I also know that bro met our other brother.  I wasnt aware of this but our other brother has about the same story when it comes to our ever so lucky sperm donor of a dad.  I thought that he was raised by him, but i guess not.  It was really interesting to hear everything bro had to say.  I cried a moment of two.  I know that Jason would like to meet me and my girls etc.  

Bro wants to go with me IF i do ever decide that i would like to meet him.  And i guess he is only about 2 hours from my brothers house.  Its just weird knowing there is a whole other side of a family i am related to that i know nothing about.

Lord, I just dont know what I am to be feeling right now.  I know everything is for a reason.  I am asking of you, if i am missing something, please bring it to my attention. 

On another note, thank you for who I am.  I look at those around me, and I am actually thankful for who i am today.  And when i read that quote, it really made me think.... "Be who you are and say what you feel, becauase those who matter dont mind, and those who mind dont matter."

I shouldnt be afraid for acting or reacting the way i do.  Granted I may do it wrong sometimes, but my real friends accept me.  I would just ilke to think that i have more than 1 friend. :)  Of all the people i put up with, and what they say or do, i would like to think, it would come around to me once in a while, to find genuine accepting people.

I met another individual with an alcohol problem.  He has been in my prayers.  It just boggles my mind Lord at the differences of people that come in my life.  Guide me in knowing how I can help this person.  If he calls tonight please guide my words.  Sometimes i feel so empty and feel like I am not helping anyone. 

Todays devotional.

This week we're talking about developing the eyes of faith. When you are spiritually reborn, God opens your spiritual eyes and this enables you to see His work all around you and to see the many opportunities He places before you.

God will also open your spiritual ears, so you will be able to hear what people are really saying instead of what you think they are saying. When Jesus comes into your life, God opens a whole set of spiritual senses that help you see life from His point of view.  And for that I am thankful.

One thing that I notice, is the more I am getting IN with God, the more my friends are changing, those who seem not so close to God, either drift further from me, or get closer, but no one is stayin how i knew them.  I really think YOU are managing those around me.  I was asking for more christian relations to help in my growth.  Thank you Lord, for all you are doing.  I couldnt do it without you, or if i didnt even ask.

Have you ever been reading the Bible and, as you read a verse, it just pops out and you think, 'Wow, I never saw that before!' Even though you've read that verse fifteen times, you'd never seen the truth that just popped out for you.

What happened? God just opened your spiritual eyes.  Thats pretty flippin cool when that happens.  thank you Lord for everything.  Especially for my willingness to say im wrong and apologize.  I never thought I would like to admit things like that, but it makes me feel like I am doing what I am supposed to.

Your heart is like a house with many rooms. You've got a bedroom. You've got a kitchen. You've got a family room. You've got a work room. You've got all these rooms for the different areas of your life.

Any room that is filled with worry and fear is a room you have not invited Jesus into. For instance, you may not have invited Jesus into the relationship room. Or, you may not have invited him into the finance room. Or, you may not have invited him the bedroom or the work room.   You have my heart Lord, and everything in it.  Thank you for showing me how much more i can put you in my life.

The casualness of saying a prayer every now and then, or the lack of reading the bible, because i was "too busy" was just awful.  But now i know how much i am really getting out of all of this.  You have the control Lord, therefore I do have one dominate in my life.  And you will not leave me. You will continue to teach me and discipline me.  Thank you for having this love for me, and letting me know, that i can at least count on you. You wont lie to me. I am appreciative.

Please show me how to be more genuine to others, please continue to help me be humble of my mistakes.

These prayer lists are getting longer and longer Lord, maybe I should pray for certain people on certain days?

My trip was an eye opener.  Thank you Lord for all that i came by and learned.  I am so thankful that I like to meet people and learn more.  You are giving me many tools that I will need for something.  I am thankful Lord that I have so many experiences to better understand others.

Church today was wonderful.  Talking about Idolatry.  I took communion.  I confession my idol to you Lord.  I know that I have had many in my life.  Prior to giving my life to you my idol was sex.  I lived my life trying to experience sex, and relations with others.  I never consulted you, but I still thought I was meant to fulfill that part of my life, i felt that I was supposed to search after it.

all i know, is how easy it is to have an idol and not realize someone or something is before You.

Today I admitted that I think I need someone in my life a lot.  That once I have someone in my life I fall back.  Lord you need to be my life.

It was discussed that some peoples spouses are their Idols.  Some peoples jobs, or schooling, or in my case once, sex.

Everything revolves around this Idol.  And many times people dont even think it is an idol.  or its possible they feel they are being led by God to follow something, but in reality its our own selfish desires.

I ran into that with someone.  I am not sure if that is the situation, because i am not that person or God. however, just looking at things from the outside, i questioned it, and mentioned it. 

I think of the story of abraham having to sacrafice his son as a burnt offering. oh my goodness. I couldnt imagine being so old, waiting for God to fullfill something he said he would do, (his wife was 90) and finally eventually had this child they so wanted, and then the Lord asks of them to sacrafice this child.  NOW THAT IS STRENGTH. and just before doing it, he was told to stop. sigh he tested him. anything we do or say can be a test, and we will never know unless God is our number one.  otherwise we will totally misinterpret things we hear or see. and often times, that is what happens.

I need your senses Lord.

i have never met somebody so intense in my life Lord, still trying to figure out why this individual has come into my life. Im wondering what the purpose is.  i have thought several things, maybe to help this person calm down a bit, not be so frenzied. maybe to give me more understanding in the ways of people, how unique we all are.  how our individuality passes through all of us. how we are all affected.

Lord, i really need your strength in dealing with this person.  as it seems today.... i am not going to cali. lol. well at least not to see david.  i know you are showing me many things through all of this Lord, how can i make the best of it?

I dont know what the purpose is in all this, maybe the purpose has already been met? Just know, i am still praying, and still asking for your guidance.

do i get on the plane anyways, and just get off in Los Angeles, and not take the flight to oregon, and just see what happens? or do i just not go at all? it is 2 days before i leave, and i am not sure which direction to take at this moment. lead me Lord. thank you for these trials, they are helping me grow each day.

wow this is just nothing like before, i have never encountered someone like this, and this may be myself passing my own judgement, but i can see how how it would be to be with someone like that.

very arguementative, offensive, negative, jumpy etc.

im still listening Lord. perfect me.

wow Lord, another episode, how am i going to handle these next few days when i am in cali. 

Help me show my love.  I NEED YOUR HELP.  what are we supposed to be showing to one another? i know you are testing my understandings of things. 

another hostile type remark made to someone, it just tears my heart apart to see people do this to fellow christians, we are to be about love.  not putting people down. not judging them. not picking out the things they do that are wrong to shove it in their face.

it saddens me the outlook some have on things.  how can i help with this person Lord?  i need Your words.  i dont know how good i am going to be with this. i am nervous. 

so then i explain how it saddens me to see how he operates to people, how he cuts them down, etc. and i explain how things should be.  so instead, i was told he disagreed with me, and he was going to hang up, told me i should pray about it, and when i feel better to give him a call.

is feeling better supposed to mean changing my opinion? oh Lord. how do i help this person. what are you showing me?

this person just drives people away so fast. i dont want to be one to do that. how can i help him. what do i need to see, or what do i need to experience right now? and why?

Dear Lord,

The days are getting close, I'm getting really nervous.  I know that you are with me.  What is it that I am going to be learning?  Lately, things have been really pushing me as far as how to view people.  I know that I love how people are willing to open up to me.  I also know how much it can hurt someone when they think they are talking with a christian but then feel judgement being placed on them.  I dont want to be that person.  Please help me to be all loving to everyone.  Show me the things that i can do to help people. I want you to perfect me Lord. 

Sigh, it was nice to hear from Daniel today.  I am thankful Lord for the things he has done to improve my life.  Guide my days dear God, lead me along the bumpy road.  Last week was a heartbreak.  But it almost felt as though my heart broke for the last time.  I have your peace.  I feel as though I have followed you to the "T" of what you wish for me to do.  And now you have granted me with peace.  Thank you.  It is a great feeling.  I was wondering how long it would be that I would feel for this man.  I am certain i will have feelings deep inside, but I need to lose the connection.  Maybe that is why all that happened last week, either way, i had a great cry, and I am at where i am now.

I want true honesty Lord, help me to accomplish that.  I want a man who appreciates honesty.  I need to befriend people for a long period, to see how they are.  Who is Daniel? Is he who i thought? Why was he only partially honest with me?  It's not what i want.

I wish i could think that he would like to be back with me.  i know him, or knew him.  But Lord, anyways, you are in charge.  Keep things coming my way. I will pass.  I need you, and only you.

Thank you Lord for the personality you have given me.  You are testing me soo much this week.  I only wonder the things that i have put others through.  In this time Lord  need you more than ever to show me how to handle these things.  I want to show my love for you Lord, I want it to show through everythign that I do.

I love the fact that I consider myself all loving.  I love everyone for who they are and what they think.  We are all so different.  Thank you Lord for giving me the personality to accept everyone.  To try to make them feel loved and special for who they are.  show me how to perfect what you have given me.

As a christian many people face all sorts of persecution.  And believe it or not, lots of it comes from other christians.  I don't want to persecute anyone for anything Lord, and I am sure there have been/will be times, that occur. 

I want your patience to get through everday, along with your knowledge on the best way to over come tough situations.

It is very easy to point things to other people, and claim they are not a christian becauase of some things they may do.  But that is not our place.  It saddens me when I find this. 

We need to set an example.  I want to be looked at for being accepting, easy going, understanding, and most of all loving.

Help me portray the things you want to be seen in every situation Lord.

Thank you for the many opportunities each day you grant to me.

Today was a lot easier than i had thought it would be.  I did wake up once again with a very anxious feeling.  But overall, i thank the Lord, for my peace.

I keep thinking of what happened last night.  I just wish there was some sort of mistake.  But there can't be.  She knew who i was because i had his username in my profile, but the things he said just doesn't go along with him.

I guess this is one of those "Wake up calls"  I dont like wake up calls, i like to think that whatever i have learned or thought of a person has been real,

sigh, i just think about how i felt when he put himself on the site, how confusing his motives were.  And now looking back, feeling like he was trying to make me feel bad, because "its my problem" if i dont believe what he says. or something of that nature.

but i guess my problem was a reality.  my problem was i felt fishy, and questioned the things listed on his profile. 

his problem is giving different stories to different people.  its just weird because this is something he and i had talked about before, on how people act. not being straight forward, only telling parts of information etc.

so to look better to me, he said he was looking for friends to socialize, and to look better to sara, he said he was looking to eventually build a relationship, and to look good to me, he says the break up was because of the job, which he still stuck to last week, but when talking to sara a couple days ago, it was because of manipulation and running his life.

do i see manipulation on his part now?

this just made me realize that this dating thing, is composed of people saying what others are thought to want to hear, or to make yourself look good.  sigh. i want a real person. with real emotions. with real commitment.

Lord through all this mess, you still have continued to answer another prayer, to bring more christian people in my life.  Thank you for another friendship.  Please lead this friendship with your leadership.  Please be with sara and allow a man to come into her life to fulfull her desire to complete her life.

Lord, please also bring a gentleman in my life that i can love, and grow old with.  you know my personality Lord, please let me know when this man appears, so that i may not push him away in fear of another "typical man"

Let me see his Godliness like a bright light.  I want to be led, I want to be a wife to submit to her husband.  I want someone willing to see my bad notions, as a temporary mood swing, i want someone to see my insecurities and accept i try to get over them.

i want someone to love me, and work with me. i want someone to communicate.

Lord I know, that you will bring something better, because that is who you are.

What do i do with my profile? do i let others know i have been interpreted or labeled as manipulative? wouldn't it be the honest thing to do? just putting everything out there?

I just dont know.  Lord, I am still allowing you full reign of my life.  Thank you for changing me.  There is much work to be done.  I am full of dirt, but you continue to cleanse me.

Thank you for the awesomeness of learning about you, and not wanting to stop.  it rocks.

Help me Lord, to remove any bitterness towards Daniel.  I know you don't want that.  I don't want that either.  But it's hard right now.  i don't like dishonesty.  Thank you for showing me how true honesty is on all levels.  help me perfect my honesty even more. 

thank you Lord, you are great, and mericiful to me.  thank you for showing yourself to me yet again.  thank you for my emotions to feel my feelings to the greatest power.

Well thank you windows updates for shutting down my computer as i was typing my heart.

but i suppose my words were not meant to stick right at this moment.

Lord thank you for last night.  Thank you for testing my faith, thank you for testing my character.  thank you for showing me the truth as it was at that time.

my heart was broken. again, but different this time. for the loss of a friend. or someone i thought was my friend.  funny thing is i was reading in proverbs about talking about people to others, and how it gets around. sigh boy wasnt that the truth. 

you work in your mysterious ways. 

you show me each day how much i need you in my life. for guidance, and strength. i cannot do things on my own, my human mind is not worthy, but with you, it is.

thank you for allowing me to feel guilt,  its a tough feeling, but it helps me humble.  thank you for allowing me to feel convicted.

thank you for making me a person  who relies on you now.  i was so lost over the years.

you know that my heart is heavy.  i felt betrayed, i know i need to forgive, and accept people for where they are in their walk with you.

Lord i want someone like me, with my same intentions.  acceptance, forgiveness,

i mess up a lot Lord, but i need some to be my friend who can accept that i have faults, and mess up, but when i realize, i can come to them and say im sorry.

and that is hard to do.  but its the right thing.

sigh. 

my ex was really searching for a mate, after leaving me because of a job, after telling me its my problem if i dont believe what he is doing. (searching for friends) although he only told the half truth. which was why i was fishy in his attentions.

i know him Lord, i knew something was up.  but then to have myself bad mouthed over things that were already resolved but used against me.

i dont want to carry that kind of relationship, i want to know that things can be talked about, and not used as leverage later.

thank you Lord, for showing me things i have done wrong, that you for allowign me kindness.

be with Daniel, help him grow for you.  Guide his path.  break his heart of negativity.

i guess the girl was right about the "Drama" if people have that listed, they more than likely create their own, but dont see it/ that was an interestign concept.

he created his own drama, by only telling parts of the truth to different people, to look better to each of them.

Lord help me with my journey to complete honesty.  i dont want to be doubted ever for what i say

let him find his mate Lord. someone that will match him.

Lord find me a Godly man, a deepy committed Godly man. who can lead me. who has time for you. who makes you priority. i need a leader, a strong leader. 

but Lord, what is the 4 months? what happens in 4 months? it has been how long? like 2 or 2.5?

despite my losing trust in a friend, help me gain it back.  we all make mistakes.  i do all the time.

Lord, you tested me today, i thought for sure i had it all figured out, but a little bit of a curveball was sent. and i totally messed up.  then after a while in your word and praying, i was convicted and needed to make right with my neighbor. it was hard. and i cried.

as much as i would like to believe that i can find someone to communicate everything with, i understand the battle is going to be huge.  i need someoen to take me on whole heartedly.  i have my own faults, we all have different faults of our own, and i need to find someone that can handle mine, and still accept me, and love me, and still want to be with me.

ex saw me on pof. funny i just got on last night?  not sure how long he has been on, but..... not sure what to say. good luck i guess. you are awesome. hope you know what you are really looking for, because it seems as if its more than you are admitting to.... maybe subconciously? that is where you get in trouble, but you are a big boy, and dont need me to hold your hand and tell you to be careful. wheres your fish you say?

having a moment of confusion Lord, and i need your assistance on how to view this matter.  my girls are looking forward to hanging out with Daniel for a minute or so on saturday.  thank goodness i even bring it up to find out it may not happen.  what would i do without myself? lol so anyways, turns out his aunt that has been struggling with a cancer is having surgery on wednesday, a tough thing.

this is where i get a little confused.  i can certainly have sentiment for someone, but it is always nice to receive it back.  example. the kids are looking forward to hanging out. i find out tonight its possible it may not happen because their family may be getting together. this is totally understandable. so then i ask the question.. "was this known for a while? or was this just brought up?" referring to the "get together" because if the get together was known it would have been nice to be able to refrain from talking about seeing Daniel(more so to my oldest since she hasnt seen him) could have made other plans,  etc. or was the get together just now being thrown together, after talking about hanging out for a week?

i felt as though, yes if there is a get together he should go. certainly. i also feel that the girls should still get their time. and not be pushed off to the side.  especially since i dont see a get together lasting all day.... and more so if it did, you can step away for a couple hours and take care of previous obligations.

so i have been praying to you Lord, i want to see this as you would see it.  But then i get upset because i dont feel others do that.  they merely take there own thoughts and allow them, without confronting you first.  how should i look at this? what is the right way to handle this?

and also, i was discussing with myself, that i felt had there been a small level of sincerity towards the matter, it would have made thigns all the more better. i am not sure if he was merely tired, or just was being crabby because i am expected to understand his thoughts without any communication on the matter to understand it.

but a simple, "i hope you understand" or "please dont be upset" or somethign to show some sort of empathy of planning something, and then it not working out, rather than a "sorry about your luck, deal with it" type attitude.

just talk people, communicate, yes it can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but there will be a time when you will wish someone to explain something to you,

Lord, today is another day. Today is although a bit of a sad day.  A few things brought to my attention.  Still wondering what this 800+ mile journey and 4 months is supposed to be referred to.  then upon discussing some talk with another fellow christian, who i met on another bdsm site, something was brought up about denver.  wow i just dont know what to do right now.  for those that have not felt you talking to them, or for those who have not experienced what it is like to know that God is trying to tell you something...... right now i am a major GOOF to them.  but it is ok. i would rather be a Goof, and listen to what God is saying to me, and try to follow or make as much reason as possible, than to sit and mock or think someone is crazy because what they say doenst make sense to me at the moment. 

i have really no idea what my thoughts are at this moment, it is hard for me to sort them out.  i know i am saddened at the moment, but not real certain why.

Lord, i dont want to fall from you. I dont want to quit my search.  I need you to be here for me, i need to feel your presence.  i need a leader, i am not good at leading myself. i keep failing, for some reason i do so much better when i am being led. 

i know that i do not want someone who does not have you in their life.  i know that they need to be solid with you. You know what i need Lord, i need to see commitment in you.  i know that i am weak, i know that i need to follow someone, i know that they cannot have you as second in their life.  you need to be number one, and then family/commitment i would like to be number 2. not a job, not washing a car.

i really want someone for me Lord, but i am so scared, it takes so long to allow someone to know so much of me. to see me as the person i am, and then HOPE they can accept what they see. 

Please help me with my self esteem, and also the determination to allow myself to feel better, when i know that i will feel better just by giving my body a healthy workout every other day or so.

i hate being paranoid that i will be misunderstood when i try so hard to explain all my thoughts and actions, just because i see so many people not communicate. but i like to communicate. but i want someoe beingn to communicate with me.  willing to hear what i have to say, and respect me for my thoughts. doesnt mean being in agreeance. just listen, and let me know you are listening.

i am sitting here crying quietly because i dont want my daughter to hear me. i worry about her, the youngest isnt here,  but i worry for them both.  im trying to be strong so much, and i just need the opportunity to break down. sometimes i just wish i could wail, and sob as loud as i want.

Daniel, you were so great.  Its such a shame.  I am wishing good things for you. You deserve them.  Dont think that i could go back if things didnt work for you, and i think that is one thing that is so sad for me.  i would like to feel as if i could go back,

im having a really tought time right now. i need strength right now Lord, I am hurt. sigh. i dont want to take my hurt and turn it into anger. or throwing more hurts to someone else.  but i feel like literally sobbing.  but im trying to hold my composure.  why do i ask things? some things really dont benefit me to know.  maybe i expect a different answer, and just want reassurance.  maybe i should have expected the answer?

im just really confused right now, and im trying to be really rational. Lord i honestly dont want to say any bad things, but its hard because i feel hurt.  it should matter if he has sex with anyone, we are not together. but it just goes against everything i thought we were about or becoming. i am thankful for my new thoughts etc, i dont want meaningless stuff.  but it hurts knowing that he could handle that right now, kinda feels like our relationship isnt where i thought it was, if its so easy to do for him.  :( it hurts having that visual.  and i didnt leave him, he left me, and had sex with someone else, when he left me for the job? not just to be single? so was he planning this? :( im so lost.  i need YOU LORD. guide this matter for me, give me strength and self control on my words. i love him and dont want to hurt him, but i am so hurt. pl ease just help me cope.

its so weird that i was JUST praying to you about all the matters, and thanking you for my new thoughts on meaningful/less sex. 

Lord, im starting to think this trip to cali, is going to be interesting....  its really hard to communicate with someone that has a different point of view, or at least not willing to see other points of view.  here is one example..... ahem

a friend of mine had another relative pass away, this is a fellow christian brother, he is having a very tough time, i say prayers for him, however, when telling another christian brother about it and asking him to pray for our friend, the response i got, i didnt like. his response was basically, he had tried to contact our friend a few times, and he doesnt respond, so he will pray for him, when he is contacted an asked to pray for him.  ugh

that is not my attitude in the matter, we are to be loving, yes im sure its upsetting when someone doesnt respond, (ahem to the person who doesnt respond to me, but wants others to respond to them) but still, a fellow brother is in emotional need, we should have it in our hearts to feel that compassion and want to help someone.

Lord i am positive i am going to need you to guide me on this trip, im sure there are going to be some tough moments,

there are so many different ways of thinking in this world.  Lord please be with me and help me make an impact on others, let my love shine, let it be seen.

i had a different friend ask me today, why we never got in a relationship. sigh, and i was direct and honest, and told him i just see him as a friend. thankfully he was not offended, and told me that that was awesome. thank goodness. the fact about honesty is, it can still hurt, and i dont like to hurt people, but i want them to always know that i am honest. so they never have any doubts about me, or who i am.

Today i was thankful once again, for the time that was able to be spent with someoen well worth my time. Lord, i cried to you again.  my emotions hit a few times during the time of hanging out, but i tried so hard not to shed any tears.  i was able to compose myself enough to hold it back.  I am soo thankful i am even able to continue to talk to this person, to still share, and be myself.  but Lord it is hard, and as usual when the time is over, i cry to you. i am crying now.  i have been doing so well Lord, you continue to guide me, and offer me comfort.  I need that. i need you.

sigh, the whole ride home Lord i just kept thinking about how awesome i thought we were as a pair. Lord I am telling you once again, i want someone as awesome as he was, and more. If i cant have him, i want someone better. I cherished the level or communication and honesty.  Even people that i talk to today, i dont feel those levels. 

I miss those levels Lord.  I am craving them. But i am scared. And I am not searching.  I was honest with my feelings again today, and just told him how i felt like i should be holding his hand, or smooching him or something. and i also expressed how i didnt want to have to start over again.

the whole process is so hard getting to know someone.  but Lord i am putting my trust in you. I have no clue what is going to happen, and i am terrified.  He may get some info tonight on whether he will be moving.  sigh, that will be another step. i know that i can get through all this with your help Lord, BUT I DONT WANT TO. i hate feeling this way, i hate crying, i hate thinking about someone i have loved so much, and not having them.

but i cannot and willnot try to change someones mind, all i can do i be supportive, and honest.  just by me being honest, and saying things on my mind, does not mean i am trying to convince anyone to stay with me. that wouldbe pointless and destructive in the end.

i want someone to see me, and KNOW i am for them.  oh Lord, i am asking that you please continue to mend my heart.  my poor cat is wet from all my tears dripping on her. 

I just have these moments where i break. and right now i am breaking.  but i am thankful that i have the moments i can be free of this breaking. 

Lord guide my thoughts, actions, and words.  Make me more pure in your love. I need your help.  i am telling you that i want this man. i want you to let me have him. but if it is not in your plan, please help me be stronger in getting past this.

thank you for today. thank you for him. thank you for allowing me to experience honesty and communication to this degree. i finally met a match willing to share those experiences and give it their all. thank you.

i am not certain if i am having just a depressed moment.  an issue about looks etc was brought up, then i pursued the topic a little more, and talked about how most people only see my face in pics, not my whole body, and there is a reason for that.... because i dont like my lower body.  and i said that i consider myself thick.
then i got the response that "thick is not ok" well given my state of mind at the time, i was very upset, i felt very sad. i didnt like how i felt, and then i started thinking i dont like the fact that i may be being judged on my looks.  i want to be liked for my personality,

i am really touchy on the subject of looks or weight or whatever. i am just not certain how to proceed right now with this.

i just dont think it is understand by many my sensitivity to the matter, and also how quickly i can get upset and my mood changes.  i also think that is hard for people to accept.  i understand that most people would not want to be with someone who might be "emotionaly unstable"

sigh, anyways, i dont know what to do right now.

Dearest Heavenly Father,

I am so grateful for having the life i have.  Thank you for all the awesomeness this weekend held.  There were so many things that i treasured.  Please direct my thoughts and my ways, and let them glorify you.  Let me know how i can help those around me, whether it be an ear to lend or a shoulder to cry.  Let my words that flow out be filled of your holiness. 

This week I would really like your help in assisting me daily in continuing to read, and excersize.  I want to be physically and spiritually healthy.  I want to be at my best.  I want to achieve the things that are thrown my way.  And i know overall i need better self esteem.  Also Lord i ask that you guide me in knowing which opinions of myself should matter to others.

I am still in search of someone that is worth my heart.  Someone that can communicate, someone that can have me as one of their priorities.  Lord i am looking to you for this matter, i am craving deeply for a connection.  lease help me to be patient with your timing.  But know that i am lonely, and i would love for you to give this to me. 

Be with me Lord, let my children see how awesome we are as a family.  Bless us all, and help us get closer in our love for eachother, and for You.

Last night the Lord really blessed me with meeting two great Christian people.  I am really liking getting to know more people in my life.  I had a great time just hanging out, being silly. Thank you. I am blessed.

As you know i had a tough time for about an hour.  thank you Lord for listening to me poor out my sadness to you. 

And then the night was able to be topped off with talkign to a new friend of mine.  I am really excited for this friendship Lord.  I pray that you will be with us both and give us strength.  You know my want of companionship.  And this is a different way i can try to show support to someone.  I can communicate, and just be myself.  Thank you for knowing what i need in my life Lord, and blessign me with it.

Today i was able to meet with 600 ladies and share Tea with them.  It was a great experience.  And during that time of watching the musical band play i had another one of my visions of how awesoem it would be to have someone that had a love like i did, and to be able to share the same thing.  i just think how awesome it is to have a constant companion to love and support, and to be with and acknowledge.  I love the feeling, and i want to dedicate to someone Lord.  And more importantly i want to know what it is like to have someoen love me for who i am.  i want to knowsomeone is committed.  i want to feel special. 

I also had a hard time today with my appearance.  My body weight.  sigh.  Lord i need you in every thing in my life. I need you to assist me in losing weight.  i want to feel healthy, and positive, i dont like looking at myself right now.  I feel really bad about myself right now Lord. 

And i know that my outward appearance shouldnt matter, but i am still bothered.  i just do not see myself as i look right now.  ugh. its hard right now Lord.

Today was another church function.  So we started our evening, me and my girls, went to pizza hut with my best friend and her man and their son.  Then we headed for our church.  I would like to add how beautiful it is starting to become with all the decorations being put up! wow.

We were able to worship God with our children, so the kids when they are in church they dont just stand and sing like us being adults do ;) there were plenty of movements to all the songs, and it was just truly awesome to be able and join in with my kids and watch them watch me jump around etc.  they had a great time.

there was this one part where the leader of the family(that would be me) would put some water on my finger and make a cross on their hands and said something like "may God change your heart..(name)" and then after that was done the other leader of the family was to do it to the leader.  Well in my family, i do not currently have a partner, but i was envisioning them moment of what it would be like to have that wonderful person in my life, to take my hand and be a part of it with us.  i cant wait, and then my oldest stepped in and said, "i'll do it to you mom" it melted my heart, and then my youngest wanted to do it too. 

I am so thankful for what i have. 

I have run into a few things lately, and i really think the Lord is using my past experience to help others.  #1 i was contacted again by a gentlemen that i had talked with before, he had wanted to meet up with me but at the time i was seeing daniel.  he wanted a nite with me. and of course i turned him down. we he popped up again the other day. asking again, and of course i turned him down.  he asked why i wouldnt, especially if things were tough and christmas etc.  basically i was able to share my life change with him.  and he was pretty shocked that i didnt want to make some quick money, which shocked me that he was even shocked. but whatever. lol

then also another person contacted me.  happened to be my old landlord.  i think many of you remember the hippie type i was relating to sex. (casual sex, sexual freedom, freelove) this was something that he had known about me, and i also knew he operated the same way. things never happened between us.  and one time he came over to chill, and was way tooo forward.  since then i havent hung out with him because it was so uncomfortable with me. anyways.. he contacted me last night, asking if i was still seeing daniel. so i explained the story. he wants to hang out, and im leery.  and then i just came right out and said, "sure but im not lookign for anything. FOR ANYTHING. " he asked if i meant a relationship, and i said no like sex.

well, a conversation started about that. and again i explained my new attitude. how i have experienced what it is like to have a monogamous relationship and the intimacy involved with the sex. and i just dont want to go back to just having sex with anyone.  and many more questions arose from him.  he talked abuot how he just doesnt think it is something he can give up. and i explained i was in the same boat, but with God all things are possible, and i told him how much i pray and ask God to lead me.  That i am in no way doing this on my own. but i am done with meaningless sex.  lthen he had to ask if i was still attracted to him, and i simply explained i have always thought he was a handsome man. sigh

old school friend contacted me the other day.  wants to hang out, so i told him we could do that, i guess tomorrow we are gonna go for a drink.  i hope that i can help him with anything.  he is looking like he is doing pretty bad.  lost a lot of weight etc. :( but im hoping he can find room to talk to me. open up. so Lord, tomorrow is gonna be a big day.  I need all the assistance i can get from you.  i need you to guide my journey tomorrow.  Let me help in any way.

I just want someone who wants to build something.  The most awesome thing in the world.  i dont want to be self concious, and i want this Love to be incredible.  I want commitment.  I want to work at loving someone.  suppporting someone. 

talked to both mom and grandma today. grandma just had to tell me how she felt, and she doesnt want me to take off. and i understood, and i thanked her for being honest and telling me. i then told mom about grandma calling, and mom said "she told me she wasnt goign to say anything" lol but hey, i dont think anyone she hold anything in. i think we all need to be adults when it comes to voicing opinions. i love her for the fact that she did, i cant get mad at her for it. i know she loves me. but i told grandma i wondered how long she was gonna be able to keep her mouth shut anyways. lol

this weekend is my free weekend. i get to meet up with rebekah and her best friend andrew finally. so i am thankful to meet up with some more christian people.

Thank you Lord for all your help, for those you bring around me, and for the things i have thatmany do not.  Please guide my thoughts and words, i want to be like you.  i need your help. please help me to be patient in this life of confusion.  please help me to understand you are in control, and things will be great. but i get scared Lord. i need your strength.

 I am not a mind reader. Please adjust your communication skills accordingly.

Im not the prettiest. And Im not the skinniest. But Im honest and Im real. And it will never get any better than that.

Love involves understanding a misunderstanding.

If you can lie to yourself and live with it, I know you can lie to me without caring about it!

Happiness is Fishing with the love of your life and knowing which one to throw back and which one is the keeper.

God never leavesanything on a negative...if it's negative then God's not done yet.

 Live fully with unconditional Love, for we are not promised tomorrow. Every day is truly a gift from God.<3

Things you CAN'T recover in life 1) the STONE after it's thrown, 2) the WORD after it's said, 3) the OCCASION after it's missed, and 4) the TIME after it's gone

"Life ends when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, love ends when you stop caring, friendship ends when you stop sharing."

Your the first person I think of when I wake up, The last person I think of before I fall asleep, And the only one I dream about.

Don't ask God to guide your footsteps, if you're not willing to move your feet


anyways, enough of that. i didnt really process mom sort of being alone for christmas this year.  but i told her that she could still call me, it would be no big deal, and the time difference is behind, so even if she is up late i would still be up.  i know that she is sad though, and i told her that maybe she could come stay the night with me the day before i leave.  i guess there is a club in the hotel and a pool etc, it would be a fun time just the two of us, but she doesnt know yet if she will have christmas eve off from work.  but i would enjoy the company, and then i could say goodbye before i left :) but we will see.

Today Lord i have learned that your blessings will not be as i think they should be.  big surprise right?  i had my own way of thinking, and in a short moment i was almost not even satisfied with your help, because i felt like it wasnt enough.  i am sorry for that.  i know that there is a bigger plan beyond all of this and i need to be patient and thankful.

last night was a little rough. i am still not exactly sure what happened, but i havent felt my heart ache like that in a while. i am thankful Lord that i have made it through another day.  i dont want to be someoen that i am not, i dont want to have to shush myself for the fear of someone else's thoughts, i shouldnt have to.  what if we all lived that way.  i still do not feel as though i made any sort of mistake, however, i am sorry if i made someone feel uncomfortable or if somethign was bothersome, but i am not sorry for being myself.  i cant please everyone, and i shouldnt be expected to please those that dont know me.

i still dont get daniel... but when will i ever i guess.  how can you be emotional? what are you talkingabout?  i just think if you are willing to get rid of me, then  you should rid of those that are in my life as well.  but you can go back to your bachelor self and be lonely, try to forget what it is like to have someone by your side all the time.  i cant. but you are trying to do whatever you can to do it. maybe you arent supposed to. maybe that is why its so hard.

you talked to me today as if you told me what was wrong last night, no. no. you really didnt. unless i am a mind reader, then possibly.  you said something about "why cant you just be emotional and not want to talk" well what triggered it. what made you take that step. and it wasnt a peaceful step either. it was an angry step, but you are tryign to pass it off like something else. dont you understand, that i know you a little more than that. that is why i wasnt accepting your behavior and lack of information. explain yourself. how many times do i talk to someone and just ignore them and refuse from then on? rarely. but you seem to enjoy that route. but no good things can come of those routes.  thank you Lord for helping me desire to communicate with people. to finish the unfinished, to have empathy for those that feel they cant communicate. but it all boils down to negativity, let me be free Lord. I dont want to be closed up and fuming.  I want to be open, wantto show my emotions because then i can be more humble,

i received a phone call today from a photographer that i worked with over 4 years ago.  Turns out the Kinsey Institute is accepting photos for some sort of project, for those of you that dont know anything of the Kinsey Institute read up.

I think it will be fun, and its certainly a great way to collaborate and do erotic photos but in art form.  It truly sparked my interest, and if it got accepted, wow. but just to be able to try for this, it will be a great aspiration.  No need to do porn, this is truly Art, in its greatest form.

By what you have done, you have totally shunned me.  you have claimed at one point to love me, you have stepped into my childrens lives, only to turn your back.  You do not really accept me as who i am.  it was an illusion.  friends get upset at each other, but who actually removes someone?  and then tell me you will talk later. dont lie to me.  i have had enough of your damn crap. enough of what you have put me through, the twistedness of you not knowing what you want in life.  all the while my children were involved, so much you could discipline them. but now i am just another mark on your wall.  so easily for you to dispose of. 


now i understand the email i received.  i had a friend who mailed everyone on her friends list on fb.  i guess some people would deleted or hide her comments.  i had never done that.  but i understood her frustration, you are friends with someone because you like them for who they are.  even if i dont like what she has to say, thats who she is. i love her for that.

then i got into a discussion with another person who says they are really picky with who is on their page, and gave some instances as to deleting some people off his page.  i kindly told him i differed in his opinion.  he is a Christian as well, and i just disagreed, my approach to things is this,... and it highly hypothetical. i would not be that christian who would not go talk to a prostitute because she was a prostitute. or to a homo because they are homo, or to a murderer because of that. i am the christian who WILL talk to you because you are no different, and YOU are the people God wants me to talk to.  now if for some reason it effects me, my opinion might change. but those are the way i look at things. 

love me for who i am.  stick up for me for who i am, your friend.  but now i see who i really am to you.  such a shame.  you want a stick to poke at me with while i lay there and die on my death bed? anything else i can do to make sure YOU are happy with everythign i say or do?  SO SO SO SORRY, i forgot that i must be your exact definition of how i should act.  my apologies.  i forgot i must be a doormat to how people should look at me.  i forgot that i cant simply be as i am.  i forgot that i must pass this STUPID TEST.

OMG Lord, what in the world is going on right this moment?  What is going on with today?  What do i need to do God, i need your help right now.  I want to be of assistance.  I have felt like allll day someone has been standing on my chest.  my thoughts so confused. this terrible headache, and now acutally saying goodbye to someone that meant the world to me.  I need you Lord, i want real people in my life. those that care about me.  those that admire me as a person.  Lord help me not to worry about the thigns that shouldnt bother me.

I know you have a plan for me.  I know you will gather me good trusting people.  help me Lord not to be disappointed in these earthly things.  i sort of feel like my own family just betrayed me.  i know i will grow from this.  God i fricken hate these moments, i hate bearing them, i hate crying, i hate feeling this way, i hate loving someone and losing them.  i hate feeling disposed,

i mentioned a quote the other day, how you should never make someone a priority, when all you are is one of many options to them. 

im tired of being one of many options, i want to be someones ONLY option. 

I dont like that my girls ask so much about daniel, but i just smile and say the best things i can, they dont need to know any negativity. but cadence wanted to talk to him, so i let her call him.  cali made a comment that he hasnt come over in a long time. sigh.  i just didnt want to talk to him, i am disappointed, and want to remain positive, but talking to him at that time would not have helped anything.  i dont like feeling that i was a temporary option, i had some moments where i was doing well and could talk to him, but when i get down i need to stay back a bit.

this last dent hurt.

Lord i hear the sayign "hurting people, hurt people" and i am hurting, but i do not want to hurt others because of what i am feeling right now.  who knows how i will feel tomorrow, maybe happy, maybe angry,

sigh, now about another matter.  why do i have days that i feel like i will die soon? is it my soul? does my subconcious have some sort of knowledge of somethign that will happen or what is the deal?  but i dont want to feel it, and i dont want to know it. 

Lord, i am really worried about the new financial status, i started givign the tithe like 2 months ago. that is 60 dollars a month, and now in january my rent increases to $66. now that is $126 going out the door, that didnt used to, and i can barely make it now.  please just know that i am scared, and i ask that you take this burden, and comfort me.

Share your plans with me Lord, how else can i service you?  i followd your lead for the drama team. what else would you liek me to do?  speak to me.

i made my reservation today, and then i felt sick.  Prepare me for what is to come Lord.

Washington was brought up by my brother, i know that he would like to go back, and i know that mom and i love it there.  but how could i prove that it is in the best interest of my girls?  Just another thing to think of Lord.

and lastly, Lord, please be with Daniel.  The man i loved for quite sometime.  Give him peace in his heart.  Fill him with your joy Lord.  I do not know what is wrong, but i ask you blanket his issues, and let him feel you.  Give him strength, and let him feel you Lord, i pray he searches more and more after you Lord.  Help me Lord in knowing how to handle this.  Guide me. I dont want to intrude, i want to help.  please be with him, let him rest well tonight.

Lord, this weekend was a great time to be with my mom and those that love me.  I am thankful that i was able to hvae that time.  During that time i was also able to empathize with my mom a little.  I guess i didnt really understand what it would be like to be around someone and have them gone, and then have to be in the area you rmember them in.  Mom always gets so anxious when goign back to her and dads house, and i felt something similar this weekend, i woke up on saturday with the worst anxiety ever.  I wanted it to be a good day, i wanted to cherish what i have in life.  But the whole day was soooo hard for me.  I hated being in south bend.  I didnt like all the thoughts that came to my mind.  I didnt like remembering things.  It was hard, and now i have honest compassion formy mom having been with my dad for 25 years and losing him, and how hard that really is for her to go back to the home town.  so many memories.  saturday was cherished yes, but it was also such a down feeling.  i just kept asking for peace the whole time, i felt like i couldnt breathe, and all i wanted to do was get back home. i wanted out of there.  i am thankful that day is over.

Then today came about, Lord i really need your wisdom in helping my mom.  I want to be there for her, but i dont want to be repetitive and push her away.  You are what i am searching after Lord, you are my strength, you are my life, help me to know how i can help others, and not hinder them.

Lord, cali has really been on my mind.  The tickets are going up and down in price.  I really think that i would like to go.  Sort of a mini vacation for myself.  I am trying to make sure that my girls are set for the holidays before i go spending money on a plane ticket.  But it is still in the air.  I pray that you continue to help me with this decision.  I think that it could be fun.  I just want to get away.  I know chicago airport is sooo huge, and the last time there i had a tough time.  But it seems that i have a plan worked out if i decide to go.  I will need your comfort for this.  It could be scary, but then again it could be an awesome experience.  I guess i shall see what time brings to me.

Thursday thankfully is something at the church.  I really wish there was something going on everyweek.  But i am thankful this week i will have plans thursday, and then saturday with my best friend.  You are awesome Lord, help me please to continue to follow you, and not fall behind.

I read something today and the god's that we follow, are the god's we will become.  If i follow the Almight God i will be like you.  I am trying to follow you.  I want to be loving, encouraging etc.
are there any other things Lord that take up too much time in my life?  anything that is a priority that should not be?  i need your guidance Lord. 
'

Lord, i need your help before i go to bed.  I am being judgemental.  Assuming i know how others are as in closeness with you.  That is the last thing i want to do.  But if i dig deep down inside that is what it resorts to.  I am asking that you help me have your eyes, your words, your thoughts, your feelings. i want to be like you.  i dont want to be this person who thinks they know it all, and judges others because i dont think they are right with you. that only causes negativity. and negativity will destroy.  i need you to encompass me before i sleep.  surround me in your glory, and take over me.  show me how to be better of a person.  i need your help.  i am disappointed. 

sigh, so you managed to make my heart pump a few times today. too bad it doesnt mean anything.  :( sigh, i really do miss you.  its quite sad.  but i know i know, im just a female who is really emotional, and you are a male who doesnt carry as many emotions as i.  you can move on faster,

what am i thinking about california? i have no clue. only time will tell.  i think that it would be a new change of scene. it would be nice to get away.  it would be nice to meet new people.  it would be nice to have no cares in the world.  but still its not really up to me.  it doesnt really matter what i want, well it does but i know what i mean.  I'm still leaving it up to you big guy in the sky.  i know that one thing is finances, but just because i may get the finances in order doesnt mean that i should go.  or at least it doesnt mean that i am meant to go, or i would be making the right decision.  it just means there is one obstacle out of the way, and i need to be really careful on the decision i make and make sure i am listening to what you have to say about it.

thank you for another day that i have been given to experience life first hand. to learn more about people and how they operate, or dont.  thank you for all the opportunities to better myself.  thank you for my friends and family.  please help me Lord, i need you.  dont let me stumble.  help me to be ambitious in my search for you.  to keep reading and praying and being active. i crave your comfort Lord.

I thank you for Heidi Lord, she contacted me again, what a great person she it.  She has went through what i am going through.  I guess i dont understand the "german" ways. what a waste of time.  i want someone to value me. and to value having a family.  i want to knw that know matter what i can come home and have someone i trust and rely on.  where if i were to lose a job, i could still come home and have comfort, something to build onto.  that is my priority.  Lord i need your assistance.  Please guide my thoughts, and my ways. 

Lord, i would really like to have a dominate man.  But i would also like this man to be a God fearing man.  I want him to lead the household through you.  I already know that i am a submisive lady, and i like the attention of a dominate man, but i also now know that this dominate man needs to have you as the number one focus in his life.  i am a strong individual but i also need someone stronger than i am Lord.  And with you i want to continue to grow, i know that i need someone who is faithfully stronger than i, whom can teach me and lead me.  I pray that you will find this person for me Lord, and i will continue to wait,

I am not understanding why i am being bothered over a phrase that was said to me. i keep thinking about it Lord, and i dont know if i am supposed to be doing something about it or hwat, but why is it being in my head so much.  it was mentioned that if he got the job, then he knows he made the right decision.  i remember hearing that, and thinking, that is so not true. how could that be true? God doesnt ask us to make decicions so fast, and he asks us to consult with him, and i just dont see this decision as being of God, but of Daniel.  Im sorry Lord, but i have been struggling with this for a while, and there must be a reason this is on my mind so much.  i dont know what you want me to do with this matter, i pray and pray.

but just because we decide to make a decision on our own firstly doesnt mean anything, it means we are selfish. secondly, just because something goes the way we think it should, doesnt mean that it is of God.  i just dont think people get it.  i just have a bad feeling.  for instance Lord, this drama thing, i thought it was of you, and later i KNEW it was of you.  i had no doubt whatsoever, but for someone to say, i dont know if i should do this or not and still not know, how coud that be from you? and also the drama thing, you brought me to it, but it doesnt mean that you want me to be an actress, maybe there was another purpose, like i would need to help someone 4 months down the road.

i just dont get it, why is my mind constantly on this subject Lord? I dont want to get back with him.  I felt like i put a lot into the relationship.  And i also felt like i got short changed.  changing a lifestyle first for this person because somethign was special, then giving up a job so i could continue to be with this person, and then that same damned person picks a job over me. WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE. i cant even think it is a possibility that i could accept him back.  relational maturity, commitment, persistance, pursuit, i want those things Lord.  i want to build a life with a person, not a career. 

ugh, i feel crappy now, but i had to get that out.  anyways, i know that most of all, i am not the top choice maker, i know that i can continuously say no no no i will not go back to this person, but what good will that do if you are in the end going to want that to happen? anyways, im thinking way to far ahead.

Lord right now, i am asking that you direct my thoughts. why am i thinking so much about this? do you need me to do something? is there a reason all this keeps coming back to me, when i am trying to move on with everything? what is this? guide me please.  i need your strength,

you guess if you get the job you made the right decision? NO! it could very well mean that you chose to do what you are doing, and now God is just going to let you do what you picked, until you decide that you will finally let him have full reign.

whatever, just ask God for clarity, ask him to show you, pray all the time for everything. and for Gods sake quit working on sunday and get your butt in church.  you ever think that is what God was trying to get you to do? spend more time with him? have a realization that you need to do that?  do you spend more time with you family than God? Or more time in work then him? is everything else coming before he does? so much time on your school and work, where is God?

Thank you Lord, for just listening to me ramble, i need a friend like you. Please send me a God fearing man, that can lead us.  That has you first.  I want a companion Lord.  And please help me with the healing of losing a good man.  Please help me.

wow tonight was incredible.  for the longest time Lord i have been asking to meet more Christian people t o help me with my new path, and then the drama auditions were posted in the church, and i prayed and then there was that really big sign you had.  and so i went tonight. oh my goodness.
things were so incredible.

i prayed to you the whole way there because i was so nervous at never having done anythign like that before.  i asked for confidence. and yes i was soo nervous, but you were with me there Lord.

I am so thankful for all the poeple i met tonight.  I was utterly shocked with myself having been held back after everyone left.  And then as i was leaving they called me back again!!!?  Lord none of this would have been possible without you. I want you to know how thankful i am that you are guiding my life right now.  I am so proud to know that i am following your lead for once and not my own.  Thank you for all those people i was able to meet, the interaction was great.

Lord i feel speechless because i have called my mom and best friend and told them all about it, and i was so hyper and ecstatic at how the night went, i alsmost feel like i drained myself.  i feel like i am in shock.  thank you lord for the opportunity. thank you for helping me. let me know what else i can do, or whomelse i can help Lord.

aside from the most awesome evening, today was pretty decent.  i got some things done and went and had lunch with Daniel.  it was nice to enjoy his company again even though it is only as a friend. thank you Lord for bringing him into my life.  sometimes i get a little discouraged because i think he doesnt miss me enough, but Lord i ask that you help me see that that sort of thinking is not beneficial. 

i had a little of a break down moment and i felt a little silly. i am really trying to be strong through all this God.  But its hard.  Last night i thought was only going to be the night that i broke down, it had been a week and i have been doing so well and then last night thoughts got to me, and i relished inthe thoughts of how he treated me, and our communication, and i just started sobbing. 
that was a tough feeling Lord. but i know that it is ok to have those.  i know that you are here with me.  and when i was having that moment last night i began to doubt a little bit, and that is when i wanted to write a little to clear my thoughts. then i came about that email that made me feel really goood. i was meant to read it at that time.  you are so perfect in your ways.

so i wanted to share with him the awesomeness that i experienced last night, but then somehow it brought me right to the exact emotions i was feeling, and i started crying. he asked if i wanted to talk about something else and i didnt because i wanted to share what ii experienced. thank you for being there for me Lord.

Lord if there is naything that you want me to do for Daniel that i am not doing rightn ow, i pray that you will show me.  i dont want to stumble or mess up any plans that you have.

I am also still having a heard time Lord with believing these are your works with him applying this job.  maybe i am not meant to know, maybe i am supposed to search the answer, maybe i am to just move on. but i am just letting you know that i still fear that he is doing this on his own accord and not yours. i just know that even if this is not your will Lord it is very probable that you will allow it to happen.  but Lord i ask that if you are speaking to him trying to give him any clues to not go, i pray that his heart will soften, and he will hear you.  but if it is in your will, to just let him find out on his own, so be it. and if it is your will for him to actually go, then i support that 100% but again, if you need me for anything, no that i am yours Lord, i gave it alllllllll over to you.

But help me Lord also to be a friend, and not to be overbearing. sometimes you just want us to listen, and if we dont you let us fall.  please just let me know my part in all of this.  i continue to ask Lord for strength in this matter. please dont let this get me down. i have work to do for you. you need me at the best i can be.

thank you for showing me the sort of love from a man i can encounter.  there is no reason to settle for less.

  I am so thankful to have woken up again today.  I got my stuff read that i wanted to read.  I then got off my butt and did a 5 mile workout.  i felt really good. i got a few things done today like giong to the store, the dishes, of course dinner, and a game with the kids tonight. 
but then i started to get his headache, and i have noticed that before from working out, i wonder why that is.  i also took some medicine for it, but it still hasnt helped.

then i recall starting to feel weird.  and eventually i felt a little down.  for the past week or so i havent hard much upsetness with the whole relationship thing. i have really put it in God's hands, i know that i will find someone at some time.  but today i had a moment of breakdown, i started thinking of what it feels like to have that awesome connection with someone, to be so at peace.  how you feel when they come over to see you, sharing and communiccating so awesomely. i literally sobbed. not sure where all that came from.

i received a really awesome email today, i just happen to read it right after i was crying, and it made me feel so good.  i am quite flattered that there are so many of you that really read my journals, its more just an escape for me, but i dont mind sharing, thank you so much for the positivity. 

i am having a hard day today, i am not certain what is going on.  I miss my mom, i miss my dad, i miss being loved, i miss having a lover.  i dont like feeling alone.

i was gonna workout today, and didnt.  Lord i need your help for motivation.  I ask that you take this lack of energy from me.  I need you.

Lord i finally admitted to you, that I am lonely.  I work best in a pair.  It was a tough conversation to have ith you. 

A few days ago cali asked me why people get married, so i explained the bst i could.  She asked why i wasnt, and i explained that i needed to find someone that i loved very much, and who also loved me.  And that sometimes it takes time.  Then she said "how bout Daniel! how bout Daniel mom!" she is so sweet. but i explained that daniel would be moving far away. 

when i talked to him last week, he expressed if he had made the right decision.  i have no clue.  and then he wondered what if he doesnt get the job. did he make the right decision with he and i.  i didnt know what to say, but told him to pray.  i am not certain that i could go back into a relationship with him.  i love him, and i miss him.  but i was really hurt this last time.  and i really dont think i could push myself to do it again.  he hasnt had many relationships, and i cant be setup again for another failure.  not even saying that time would come, but still, the level of commiment, and my children are involved.

Lord i know that you will supply the right man for me.  I continue to ask for guidance on my matters.  Shall i plan this little vacation of mine Lord?  I will continue to ask for your opinion.  What do you think? will it be a waste of time, or money, or do you just not want me to do it all around?

Not sure what part of today made me feel a little down.  It was great to see my family, so many differences in our lives and how we live, but it is truly fascinating to see the different offspring and how they have managed their lives.

I am thankful that i am able to see my little cousins whom i have never seen.  i am hoping my other cousin will find it in her heart that we should be able to move on in life. 5 years or more is a long time to hold a grudge. we both had our moments, but i dont want any negativity.  i hope we can move on.

I am thankful for the chances to get to talk with my new friend.  It's a sincere curiousity.  I know that there will be other people to come into my life.  But it also gets scary for me.  The whole issue with having a connection with somebody.  Its just all around scary.  I dont want to start all over, but it is inevitable that in order to have anything with anybody i will have to have that process started over at some time.

But i think like anyone, they like the feeling of already having started that process, and feeling comfortable.  the harshness of getting to know who someone really is has passed.

I like it when my days do not focus on the lack of companionship.  but those days are bound to come.  I am thankful.  I know this. 

Lord i need your compassion on this matter.  you see my wants in having a love for my life.  Why do i feel i need someone so badly?  I am so complicated.  The way i operate. Lord i am letting you know, that i want someone to cherish my life with.  one person.  i want to feel love.  Will you please guide me?  Will you please lead me to whom you have in mind for me?  I want a true husband Lord.  I want one to grow with.  I want a best friend. I want a lover to satisfy me mentally, emotionally, and sexually.  I need mental stimulation.  I need compassion. 

But still i am scared.  Guide me Lord, i should not be scared.  You have my life, you are in control.  Let me feel your power, Let me feel your peace.  You may have me Lord.  But may you find the person of this earth that may have me also? please.

I am thankful for yet another day to live and learn.  Thank you Lord for all i am given, i still remain scared at times.  i am not certain what to be doing right at this moment, but i think i am doing an excellent job of what i am choosing to do. 

I saw Daniel today and that was nice, thank you for the peace you bestowed upon me during that time.  I pray that you will guide his path, that he will seek after you more and more each day.  He is uncertain of the decision he has made Lord, and i wonder if that is because he didnt look to you to make that decision.  i pray that he will take the time to spend with you in his busy schedule. you are most important Lord.  although he is busy, there is still time to be with you, whether its putting off his cousins once so he can just be in your presence. 

Thank you Lord again for another nite to be able to share some things with someone.  I feel good when i feel like i am liked.  I dont even care if it is relationship wise or just friendship wise.  Thank you for the new people coming into my life to share with.

I pray that i will meet more christians to help me with my walk Lord.  I want to bring up the drama team auditions, Lord i think that is something i would like to take part in, what do you think?  I have baby sitters so i know that i could go.  But is that something you would like me to do? I am looking for your answer on that Lord.

Thank you for the amount of time i was able to share with my mother.  I pray that i will have the right words to share with her.  Let my light shine!! Use me Lord.

I pray for my new friend David, he also wishes to have more christian friends Lord, i pray that you would provide us both with that need.  Let him not be weary with all the schooling and work his is doing as well.  And thank you for the nightly prayers we share before bed.  Thank you for such a person so devoured in your ways of life.  It truly is an inspiration.

Lord please be with randy and clayton and family.  losing a loved one is a tough thing.  and it is all so new, they will have many tougher days to come.  i pray they search after you for strength.  it was very sad Lord.  I still do not understand this death thing.  Let me know if i can be of any help to them.
Thank you

Thank you thank you thank you for the amount of peace given to me today.  it is amazing what a new day can do for you.  Lord, i ask that you let me see what is happening here.  I have no idea.  but i thank you for the distractions that are keeping my mind off of everything going on.  I really like it when i feel like i am being sought after.  i think one thing i am always afraid of is being lonely.  I need to take each day a day at a time.  even though this weekend i have nothing to do, i shouldnt worry about it.  right now i am getting my car worked on, and i should just worry about that, and when its done i can worry about the next thing i need to do.

thank you for the conversation last night with a fellow brother in Christ, i was very uncertain about talking with him, but everythign panned out, and i felt very refreshed.  today a very thoughtful prayer was said for me, and i love seeing how into God someone can be.  its a great feeling. 

one thing that i ask Lord, is that you keep knocking on my heart.  just because i have a good day, doesnt mean that i want to slack on my communication with you. keep me motivated Lord.
Amen

some awesome talking about sex today.  it was cool that it was not the typical talk about sex.  

" i think if you can research and contemplate sex as worship, you may see what i am saying. See, the Church is the bride of Christ, so actual worship in the church (usually singing to God) is an opportunity to open your heart to god completely and let Him fill your being with His presence (super important for you to understand this pleasure), sex is merely a microodel of this, adoration, exaltation, meditation, and communion of love."

Slavery, being a slave of love to treat all humanity with love as well as being a slave to your partners desires.. that is love, but it'd never be able to grow if it isnt an equal slavery!

Thank you Lord for all of this talk today.  I struggle, and i dont want to fall back to my old ways.  this was all incredible to hear today.  how odd was it that this was a conversation on this day.  i am so thankful.

my eyes burn so much today, could i cry anymore, yup. i am so lost for words right now, i usually have a lot to say. but my mind  just feels toasted out.  like i have thought of it all, and just cant think anymore.  so then what is making me cry?

what cant i just have the mind of a guy right now. why cant i just move on with no emotion.  why cant i just forget. 

thank you to those who write me about my journal, thank you for telling me your thoughts, and encouraging me about writing about God in the public.

i will answer one question.  why do i write my journal for everyone to read? isnt it private?  yes it is... i use my time for my private thoughts, i am not bothered by anyone and i let my thoughts out.  yes i do post them, i am not really bothered with it. it gives you a chance to see the real me.  and if you are bothered by anything you read, then dont read.  you take the chance of reading something i have to say, but you have to also understand they are the private thoughts that i dont say. everyone has those. so then read as if i dont know you are reading these.  read as if you havent read these, read as if you do not read these.  these things i write are a look into my head, the things you dont say out loud, but i let you know of them.

sigh, wow. what a discussion about sex today.  somethings i never really thought of.  some things i am not sure that i agree with, just confusing.  but i suppose everyone has there thing that they turn to when they are having a hard time.  some are work o holics, some are sex o holics. daniel would you possibly have been turnign to this job offer, to fill a void? did i hurt you so bad about saying i didnt see us getting married that you wanted to run?  if you got this job, how much time will you ahve for God now? or would you still lack time to spend with him? just curious, you feel you need to work on your career... you feel that? or God having you feel that? maybe God thinks you are spending too much time with this career effort, maybe he doesnt want that for you. maybe that is what he means. just because YOU have wanted this doesnt me he wants you to do it? o Lord today is so awful.  how can i be soo emotional. my daughter just brought me in a teddy bear and sat on my lap. asked if someone died. 

i feel like i have. 

what is going on with today? why is today so tough? i woke up and just immediately started sobbing.  my dreams didnt help me at all, but all day i am struggling so far.  my heart just feels like it is empty.  i am having a hard time and i feel like i need to fill the void.  Lord o God i am having such a hard time.  of course you know it because you keep hearing from me in all these different ways. 

you know what i am struggling with right now, and i need you to help me move past it.  i do not want to give in.  i have gotten this far, and i do not want to ruin it.  but i am just craving.  i feel like i am being convinced that i will feel better to do this. i know that i will not, but just a temporary fix. 

o Lord i cant quit crying today.  i need to realize that i will have good days and bad days, i was blessed to do so well this weekend, it is ok to have a bad day. 

i have so many reminders that i see everyday, they all have a memory of something, i wAS ON  the porch today reading my bible, and out there is his cooler, instant memories of our camping trip. wow was that awesome. i go in the bathroom and the toothbrush, then the razor in the shower, the razor just makes me think of little things, like his scruffy face after he didnt shave for a while, or my little patch i was trying to grow for him.

then i have songs that play, instant sadness.  i was cooking fajitas last night, and then i thought about when we would cook together.  so many things we would do together, as a team, a couple. we loved each other so much.
had soem things to comment on.. i received a response from a family member in Christ. part of the conversation read as follows...

"Hmmm, really tough to comment on here. If something is in or out of God's will(?) There are countless things in this corrupted world outside of God's will! Hitler killed millions of jewish people, nero killed christians, etc. I only bring that up because some people stumble over fatalism, where they believe if something happens, it then must be God's will (i think not). Being alone sucks and according to scripture, "it is not good to be alone" (genesis 1 or 2). Being with the wrong person can be far worse than being alone, so a relationship has incredible potential to increase blessing or wreak absolute havok on the soul. You've got a couple children, that's alot for a guy to commit to, this may be his way of escape. Where ever he goes he will still have to face singleness and more responsibility if he takes on a relationship there (it's inevitable)"

ok great now i lost my train of thought. the thought of him being with another makes me queezy, i willut start there.  one thing i have gained from this relationship is the ability to see what it is like to be monogamous. the power of having trust in him alone. to share my stuff with him alone.  the feelign i get in my stomache to picture him leaving driving down there, and being away from everyone, and then to start seeking. O Lord im crying again.  He will get at that point one day, the sorrow that i feel right now.  to see him holding hands or kissing another, this was mine at one time. :( and then the intimacy, you having my luvy!  he was mine before you.  :( our love making was incredible. i dont want you to have him. i want him. i want to please him. i want to satisfy him. and now you get the chance?

Lord stop this. how is this helping me in any way? or is it? shoudl ibe thinking these things?

marry me now, marry me now. dont you see yet? you dont fricken see? how can you not. what in the world!

ok well. i think i feel a little better.  i just want to type down that tomorrow i want to talk about the memories. today the dishes, the toothbrush, being petted, i wish i would have written the others down as they happened,

Lord , i dont want to be sour, i want to be better, and not bitter.  i want to be forgiving, and not forgetting.  i want to encourage and not discourage.  i want to be a friend and not a foe.  i want to help and not hinder.  but i also want to love, and not lose.
 
today i talked about opposition, and also knowign what is God, and what is us thinking its God.  I felt you today at church.  Thank you. thank you again for the lady that touched me and comforted me as i balled my eyes out. lol i needed that. 

thank you for mandi and turry being there to help those people in the accident, thank you that mandi could go a pray with the lady as they wait.  Lord be with them now.

Lord help me to be responsible for my actions, for the things i say, help me know when i am not able to express thigns the right way and to basically keep my mouth shut.  but Lord for those times that i do not know i am out of it, or dont understand myself, i pray that you will allow someone to understand me, i dont like to feel alone in this confusion.  i dont like to feel like i am always messing up or that i am not understood.  but i also know you can help me with these personality things etc, ask and i will receive.

Lord i ask that you continue to provide me with understanding, pleae help me to remain positive, and not negative.  i feel so upbeat most of the time, i just hate the change of pace when i get discouraged or feel guilty etc.

thank you for the day today, for the things to help me get through, i pray that you let me know when i should talk to daniel again, i am kind of stuck with that.  i want to feel sought after ,but also i dont want to take it in the wrong way if it means nothing. 

i really wish i could just attend the marriage seminar, but i am not married and i dont have the money, but i am very interested in the whole bit, i think it would be a very useful tool.  i would love to learn the thigns they talk about.  it intrigues me, even though daniel and i werent married i still wanted to go, just to learn \how to make things work better together. if you want to grow old with someone someday its good to have a clue what you can do to make things easier. 

ugh ok, well i need to just call it quits. thank you lord i made another day. there are many more to come, and im sure many just as disappointing as some, and more even better, but either way, i really need your help.

thank you Lord for being with me during the tough convo.  this is what i need to do.  i need to take breaks. i need to have you as a filter.  it was so hard to start it.  but how does a person go from carrying a relationship with somebody and sharing everything, to whatever this is? i mean i guess i am doing it right now... but its just like having the person you confide in, that you dont hide anything from, and then they arent there. just having some adjustment problems.

i am sort of lost right now Lord.  i dont know wht i think about that talk.  it was definately heart warming to feel him again... but also very sad at the same token. 

i need to be realistic with myself. he is leaving, i will not see him again. he will find another girl to be with at some time.  there face it.  so just assume you are right once again misti, he doesnt want you, he doesnt care about love, he cares about worldly things. and i guess "germans" dont see having a family or getting married as a mileston in their life. i really dont know very much about that. maybe that is why he came here, career? or was it family? or both? ugh. anyways, darnit, i feel sour right now. i need to read,

thank you for church today.  i will definately listen to the service again today. it was a little hard for me to compare my situation even though i am not married.  and i tried so hard not to let myself be distracted with the thought that daniel was mine. he was my soulmate, he was my husband, not on paper, but in determination, in communication, in support.  i wantto love God's way. 

I thought for sure today mandi and terry were going to have an awesome talk.  and when they asked me to drive the van and they take the truck i was excited for them.  mandi really felt that she was being talked to. terry got another job and had to leave right after church. i thought this would be a new beginning.  I couldnt believe when i walked in from searching for car parts, that she was upset, and more like the service didnt really sink in, or that power exchange just wasnt in play.  they both went up together to take communion, i was really sad Lord in how they parted today. :(

here i am Lord, i am one who wants to please someone, i want to submit to someone. this is what i seek.  i feel that those who have a relationship with someone who love them take it for granted. and here i am. ready to conquor this. 

one thing that stuck out a little to me, was when we talked about the man being the head of the house, and submitting to him like he is you... last night i remember thinknig about how i should pray before speaking things out, and that would make sense especially if i need to pray to you before doign things or saying things, i should do that for him also.  he is the other half of me. i guess he doesnt really refer to daniel although i am using him as the image of someone i will be with, even though i guess it wont be.

i understand you want me to be with you Lord.  Maybe my devotion to you was being taken up with the relationship.  i would put more time into my relationship with daniel than with you.  and i think now how awesome it will be to have the day when YOU are the one to bring someone in my life for ME. i dont want to search Lord.  You want my time to be devoted to you first and foremost.  i cannot be so busy with other things that i can not hear you.  last night just reading was incredible. that hour just reading and being with you instead of something else i could have spent it on. thank you.

what other things are are taking up my time Lord? anything? my life is supposed to be about you, not me.  guide me. i really need you.

i have never cried so hard for you.  thank you for the lady behind me that just touched me in comfort, rubbing my arm as i waited to take you into me. 

i remember the days Lord, wow do i remember how awesome things were when you were a focus.  i remember how so many people would come up to me.  i know my personality is rockin Lord.  How can i use that for you? 

i ask that all these thoughts that enter in my head, all the confusion, all the frustration, the hurt, please mask from me what i do not need.  those things that are not relevant please take them before they get to me.  i miss him Lord, and you know this.  i wanted to tell him, but i also dont want to try and cause any change in him.  if any change happens, i want it to be because of you.  help me to know Lord when or if i should say anything.  guide my thoughts and words Lord.  you take control.

its been a while yes? have you missed me? you miss having this awesome daughter of yours?  :) thank you for this extreme peace, wow its so weird.  i understand i will be sad, and have hard times, but they are different now. 

there will be a time Lord, when someone will want to share their life with me.  they will choose me and my mess.  and we will be a great team.  you teach Love overall.  you dont teach success, you dont teach power or fame.  love is one thing i will rock at.  i will be ready.  keep preparing me Lord.

this is it for now.

Wow Lord, ok first I am going to talk to you.  Today was a great day.  i am so thankful for this time that i was able to spend enjoying all the things with my girls and friends.  Today started rough, but i am thankful my grandparents called me when they did, that was great.  Thank you for that. :)

Thank you for the motivation to be reading like i have, that is always soemthing hard for me to do.  I must say once again that i am unsure of what i ready this morning.  sometiems you read something and then wonder if you are supposed to read more into it, and i had that feeling.  the whole thing with the distance and the time period.  and so i keep telling you about it.  i know that when i get closer to you i can tell what is you or the holy spirit, and i wont have any doubt or confusion, but it is because i am set so far back from all this i have lots of questions.

Then tonight, how long has it been now? at least an hour i am sure that i have read.  i thank you for the clarity, i was actually able to comprehend what was goign on in the stories.

one thing that i was thinking about while reading (and was making it tough, i hate that its so hard to focus) well... obviously YOU of all people understand about this personality stuff, so i have the "misti that is around a lot of the time", then i have that "doubtful type misti" that pops in when in a transitional stage and seems to put everything in an uproar, and then the "around a lot of the time misti" is the one suffering the consequences.... i am wondering how all of that is goign to work with you?  maybe it wont be all that hard or bad because you understand all this about me already whereas the people here dont grasp it all that much.  but i just see a lot of things that happen after i have a moment when the "doubtful misti" comes in, and then people take what i say to heart. but when in reality, those are the times to not listen lol. oh gees, what a roller coaster i live, lol so then i started thinking...this is something that i know i will struggle with. i think what i need to do in the future to help myself and those around me, is to start praying before i say things.

some times i can recognize when i am not "here" i know my mom is able to. i think when i get in those moments, i should pray to you, ask you to assist my thoughts, and my words. 


another thing that i wanted to sort of get off my chest or admit is this, you know how i always talked about being a free spirit, and openminded, and feeling like my whole life i had this calling to be whatever i was being at the time?  well im sort of understanding a little bit better.  and it was something i was pondering at another time in my life.   i started getting to this point where i felt like i was supposed to be doing these things.  but also most all of those times i never consulted you, i just felt right. and i guess overall what it was doign was blinding my view of you, and i just got further and further away, and therefore all the things that i was doing didnt seem wrong anymore.  i was so far off track.  it was like little by little things were getting more accceptable, but i couldnt see that that is how it all happens, and how you fall away.

so anyways, thank you Lord for you help in getting me away from my last job.  i think about doing that now, and im like no way.  i was so scared to get away from it because it was all i ever sought.  it was all i really ever did.  it was what i wanted and kept after, but you didnt want it.  yup i still worry, like right now i think about titheing tomorrow.  another 15 dollars this week, and my car has to be fixed.  i have no way to get around, what if i need that to get my car done? but i am also on the same note... not all that worried, you keep showing me these ways you are taking care of me.  thank you. i will continue to pray that you help me not worry about how i will manage to take care of my family.  thank you for helping me when i prayed everyday about being so worried of quiting that job.  thank you for answering me when i would ask you to help me see the wrongs that i have been thinking with sex etc.  i know i will still need help Lord because i have lived so far from you for so long.

from childhood i have sought after sex etc. some have sought after money.  some have sought after a career, some at fame, some various other things.  and we think since we have wanted that for so long, that is what we should go after. but it means nothing. what do you want me to go after what do you want me to do? the gifts that i have that you have given me, how can i use them?

thank you for all the moments of peace, for the time to cherish my family. to watch how happy they are. to watch what excites them.  i have no clue what i would do if i couldnt watch them develope. its amazing. these little girls, its such a privelege to have them, i want the best for them.

thank you that my mom called me today.  i was crying about how i just wanted my "mommy" i just wanted my mom to talk with me.  i miss her so much.  i am not used to being pretty much alone.  it used to be mom dad jeremy me grandma and grandpa. now mom dad and jeremy are no longer very close.  this is why i thought you blessed me with daniel. a companion.:) someoe to rely on, share things with, communicate, support. you know i love those things. it makes me feel good.  i know that is one thing i can offer of myself, and i feel wonderful. anyways, it was nice to hear her voice, and for her to ask how i was... of course i broke down like a little baby, and even though mom wasnt physically there, i felt her.  she cried with me, told me how sorry she was for the girls and i. she really wants to be here with me.  and i miss that so much with my family.  thank you Lord for grandma and grandpa, it amazing how close i am with them. and the love i feel everytime they call, (grandpa sitting on the other line lol) makes me feel special.

i am worried for the week to come, no car, grandma and grandpa leaving out of town, my free weekend, i dont want to go stir crazy.

mom thinks daniel is going to come around, she thinks its that fact of being scared, and a year is coming up, and all these other things, but i just told her, that i cant live as if he will come back. i cant put my life on hold. i am continuing my journey. her and terry had that epidsode last week, and mom was heart broken, confused, just unsure, and terry needed a break to clear his thoughts. he bought mom a card and apologized and he was just basically freaked out for a bit. he didnt want to leave her etc. andi am happy for them. sometiems people just need some time.
but, daniel needs to find his path.  and i told her how much i loved him, and i need to support him.  of course i think about how awesome it would be to hear of him coming back and throwing himself at me, and saying he missed me, and he wants to spend his life with me lol. sigh, yes of course i want that. :( of course.  certainly i would like to think that this is temporary, and its all a test. maybe k4-6 weeks he will find out he doesnt get the job, and God lets him know he just wanted to know if he would apply. and maybe during all that time the Lord is speaking to him of family, and the importance of it.  the importance of a foundation, and stability made of love. yes i have those hopes, but i cant hope so much that i wait.

we never know what each day will bring.  and so many lessons can be learned.  maybe this period of time will create some essential growth in us both. but everyday i am going to consult with you. and make sure you still want me to do what im doing. everyday i am going to check in. just as we all change our mind, maybe you do that too, i dont know.

one thing that i worry about is the power of deceit.  i think maybe it goes along with when i was talking about my free spirit.  i was so determined and just felt like i was supposed to be a certain way.... but i guess i was wrong, and its so weird now. i just really thought i was on the right track.  and not carryinga relationship with you creates those little moments of deceit. i worry for daniel Lord. i continue to pray for this.  and only you know, i understand.  but beings that i have been through something similar and figuring it out at the moment, i just wonder if maybe he might have the same things happening.  let him feel you Lord, i just worry that since he has had this outlook for so long about a career, what if he is wanting it so bad that he is convincing himself some of these thigns are you? what if he is doing the trick where you think its God leading you, but its really him wanting something so bad, he is just wanting your approval? i know you know what i mean.

thank you for the new brothers and sisters in Christ. please show me how i can do as much help to them as they will for me.

my eyes are tired. i dont think i have gotten out half the things that happened in my head today even though im not sure if i was really there. today was so weird, it was like 2 people were operatign at the same time. one living the day out, the other thinking. anyways it worked for today.

thank you.  the funny thing is, i started saying first i am goign to talk to you. and that is all i did. didnt realize i had that much to talk about. and now my other thoughts etc arent bothering me.
lol. hope you like books as much as my long prayers. lol 

why is it that someone can be nice, and then i feel like they are a stalker?  i told you i wasnt looking for anything, that i am scared, and that no one will compare.  but then you comment on over 50 of my pictures! wth

anyways enough of that.  Thank you to my best friend again. you have put up with me alot.  you are so supportive.  and then tonight when you ask what i am going to do i tell you SHOOT MORE GUNS!! lol and then you worried, i saw the look in your eye. and you asked "alone"? hell no. lol no chicky i wouldnt do that.  or at least i dont think that i would. who fricken knows, why do i say some of the stuff that i do? why would i tell the man of my dreams that i didnt see us getting married? cmon misti you know there are better ways to find out how someone feels about you, you can just ask. you dont have to put off this front,

well wait, i wasnt putting off a front. it was a valid feeling at that exact moment.  but did i feel that way before, or after? nope. i thought he was the one. :) i felt like i KNEW he was the one. but then the moment of doubt snuck in. why would he want me? and it took over. stupid thoughts. look what happened!!

dont you see that people dont understand the personality ? dont you get it? no because you let it happen again.  why do you do that to yourself?

but i cant control it, i do my best. im sorry misti.

sigh,

i really hate the mood swings, i really hate the impulses.  but i really love when i come back to reality, i really love when i realize i made a mistake.  why would i saw i didnt see us getting married.  that was all i thought about.  until that one moment, then i had doubts, and of course i expressed them.  it was another stupid mood change, "ant"S automatic negative thoughts. i came to the point where i was trying to convince myself, why would this man be wth you? are you serious? you can possibly be serious? as if a little devil was sitting on my shoulder again, putting these things in my head.

one day i am going to beat you at this.  So much change has happend in the last 12 years.  I have coem so far. :) and this is the next thing i want to work on.  you will not take over my life, you will not destroy these things of mine, you will not take part in the poor people who do not understand all that i am. you will not confuse them any longer.

Lord help me to think before i say things.  Anything said or done in an instant without proper time with you, is a waste.  its not a really feeling or thought, and you could not have approved it.

Thank you for this comfort  today.  Thank you for the nice gentlemen who walked up to us and mcdonalds.  Thank you for the girls and their dad's.  Thank you for my best friend whom i called at 3am the other nite.

Thank you for those who see my awesomeness and express it to me.  And thank you for my honesty.  Thank you for the ability to draw people to me.  I need to use that for you.  Let me know how i can use that gift to glorify you. 

new audio, its not really a poem, but just a bunch of my random thoughts put together, so i guess it could be a personal poem.

We humans are great starters but often bad finishers.  We leave unfinished symphonies, unfinished buildings, unfinished books, unfinished projects.  We may not always finish what we start but God always finishes what He starts. 

God doesn't create a bird and give him half a wing.  He created an unfinished flower or an unfinished star.  He puts the finishing touches on everything He does and then He says, "It is good." 

The Bible says, when Jesus Christ starts working in your life, He will complete what He started, in spite of the hang-ups, faults, bad decisions, sins, and circumstances that we face. One day when we get to heaven we're going to become just like Jesus because we will see Him as He is.  And that's the goal.

In the meantime, if we want to enjoy the people in our lives, we need to be patient with their progress.  We must allow for their growth and development.  Paul could say, "I'm not the man I used to be, thank God.  But also, thank God, I'm not the man I'm going to be. I'm growing and changing." 

If you want to enjoy your marriage, you've got to learn to enjoy your husband or your wife right now while allowing for growth and development.  Otherwise, by the time they meet your conditions, you will have still another condition for them to meet.

Parents, if you're going to learn to enjoy your kids, you've got to learn to enjoy them in the process while they're growing, because there is no such thing as a perfect kid. 

And there's no such thing as a perfect adult.  If you demand perfection of the people in your life in order to enjoy them, you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life.  Nobody's perfect.

True submission is born in the mind then developed in the soul and expressed through love, honesty and trust. Trust is the key because if a submissive is to grant Him the power to totally destroy her, and trusting Him not to.

Today was certainly a fullfilled day. I accomplished a lot and cant recall any mistakes that i might have made.

I found myself reading more.  I feel like i cant get enough or i am just not satisfied with what i already know pertaining to BDSM.

I am certainly more accepting that i now know i am truly searching for the correct Dom for me.  And i already know how hard this is going to be for me.  All my life i have lived in vanilla relationships.  But always knowing i was missing something, and with each vanilla relationship i expressed a little more to the person i was with about my interest, and therefore was able to live more and more of the lifestyle in my life.

After a lot that has happened this last year i sort of steered away from having ANY sort of relationship. 

After some time i felt like i was going to die.  not real sure why i was feeling this way. but i felt like everything around knew that i would soon pass except for myself.  i started to feel like i wanted to do more things. one of which was this online dating stuff i see a lot about.  and even at that time i was in denial i believe on what i was truly searching for.  i would often put up on the profile that i was searching for only friends.

i have no issue with having friends, but i began to realize that in this quest for meeting friends i was weeding them out. why would i weed friends out? i found myself picking things out that i didnt like, and the only resolution i could see as to why i was doing that was because i was searching for more than a friend.

i have been on SEVERAL dates since about october, some weekends i would have 3 different dates planned.  and with all sincerity i really did enjoy meeting people and seeing what they were about.

during this course of discovery i started to feel a little better about myself, i did not have one date where i was not liked for my personality. it was a little bit of a wake up call for myself... wondering why i have always looked at myself as "not that good" "just another person" etc. i still dont know why, but on occasion i still meet people that are truly facinated with me, and when that happens, i actually think about my dad.

my dad would sit with me many times tell me how beautfiul i was, how special i really am, and how i could honestly have any person that i wanted. and sometimes i start to believe that.
i dont have to settle for anyone. i can be as picky as i want, because i want a true relationship.

i started to get a little burned out on going on all of these dates, i was really ready to give up.  again... why give up when i thought i was only looking for friends?

Then i met someone i gathered an interest in.  you ever have those moments where everything just seems too good to be true?  yeah i think i am now in realization that it probably was.  i require time, commitment of some sort.  but how can i be expected to call you Sir, but i cant expect you to gather some much needed time for me?

its ok... im not really upset, much wasnt discussed about it, but then again, how could it? you dont have time to talk.

you dont have little moments to express that i am thought of.  and if/when it does happen, they are so few and far between. i respect you as a person :) you know that i think you rock, and i always will :)

but in this journey i am searching for i need more than an intimate session and an occasional "hello My Dear" :) i know you are busy and i respect that. i knew this. but i did not anticipate that i would feel like there was not a mutual effort. again i am not angry. i am just a little disapointed, i was very excited at your knowledge, you were not just another collarme person looking for kinky sex.

During this time i did not wish to speak with other people as possible interests. i felt like it would compromise what i was searching for. or providing my attention to someone i was aware that i did not mind providing attention too.

but i took a step and remained silent to see if i received any sort of acknowledgement, and it was almost a week in receiving anything.  and at which point when i replied i forgot to capitalize my Y for You. i rolled my eyes. do you not see that i would have given you my attention, i was trying to show you i was interested and just wanted some interest back.

anyways enough of that, during my silence time i decided that it would not be fair of myself to hold back on communicating with others. lately the traffic through here has been flowing and i have chose to speak with some of you.

one of which is currently helping me right now.  i may have been a little timid on some things in the beginning but that again was because i didnt know where things stood with this other person. you were a friend. and as a friend began to help me with some structure.
2 mi workout a day
clean one room in the house
200 crunches
no eating after 9pm
no junk
along with some minor things.
monday i did really well with the new structure in my life, until it was evening and i got hungry and knowing i could not eat i ate a twinkie, and then a second one, at about 3am. OMG WHAT AM I DOING?
of course i could certainly tell my friend i did everything correctly, as he would not know if i had not anyways. but of course i told him.
at that point i was to strap myself 5 times HARD and before each one to count and repeat that i would follow the rules. i did the strappings.
but i forgot to count and repeat what i was to say
HOW COULD I DO THAT, I WAS JUST TOLD TO DO THAT? so then i had to do 5 more as hard as i could.
at that point i needed to stand in the corner and count, at which i did so.
after this was all done again i needed to recite what i did wrong, i was told that he doesnt like to punish me, but these rules are to make me better, he wants to see me grow, that i am special, etc and after i had felt the guilt of doing wrong, i was brought back up again, and i felt good.

i have also another person i am talking with that i show a great interest in :) i'll call him D.  i was actually even able to meet him, and that was a nice little treat.  When i had started talking to him i told him of the individual i was calling Sir, and my confusion with that. I did not feel the need to bring up this person i was just talkingabout (R) because he was just a friend. and i didnt feel it would matter of anything.

however all these things taking place in so few days. receiving rules from R and wanting to follow them. not for him, but for myself, but he was playing the role for me because i need that.
at one point i played for him on cam. and at which point i had done that now a few times.
what do i think of it? i am not sure. i wasnt expecting it to be like that. at some point it would be possible that i may meet R. i like how i am checked upon constantly, asked if i have any confessions. told many times how great i am doing, that i am making him proud. these are all thigns i enjoy.

Ok now back to  D. gees i should have written yesterday i feel like i am writing a book and didnt realize i had all this brewing in my mind.

D... yes i was able to meet with him for a short period of time. that was delightful. i enjoyed it and it certainly gave me somethign to look forward to. this weekend i will spend some more time with him to get to knw him. i cant wait.

i have shared with him many things i am curious about. i really dont even remember as to how it all got started with the BDSM stuff.  but i think i felt like i needed to put that out there so as not to waste any of eachothers time in whatever we may be searching for. i know what i crave, and what i would like, and he just might not crave to have the power, or relationship i do.

but anyways, i decided to make it a point to bring up to him. and ever since i have been... lets just say"impressed" i like our little chats we have when we get to talk. i feel like he also respects that i like to have some contact with people i have an interest in. he works and goes to school, but even the little amounts of time that go by, i know that i am thought of. and i like the effort. he doesnt have to text me or place a call to me, but he wants to, and takes that time to do so. it makes me feel like i am worth something.

he had taken the time to give me a task, at which i did ever so gladly. i was to give a mission statement about myself. and i finished that. and now i have another task pending.

i like the fact that so far he does not mind my rambling. i get paranoid at talkign with people because sometimes my mind moves at lightning speed and i hve some many thoughts. and i feel like i have to share them all for someone to understand who i am and what i am about.
i fear being misunderstood so i feel like i need to put eveythign out there. and even if i do that sometimes i am still misunderstood. but so far, it has not been a problem, and i think i honestly believe that. but again, i feel like i need to tell myself, keep giving it time that will change. but then i think "no no no no, why do you say that?"
why do i have to put that thought in there. cant i just leave it on positive.

anyways, my mind feels meshy right now. i dont even think i want to go to work. i dont even know if i got all of my thoughts out, but i feel blank like there is nothing left.

why does my mind have to be so complicated. if one person could understand me, why cant it just be ME?


Thank you R and D.  For all the effort you are putting to me.  Giving me some structure.  Making me feel good.  tomorrow is certainly another day.

And Sir, you do rock, i will always think that. Maybe if there will be a point where i could be a little more closer to the top of your list we could share more. i like to share, i dont like to call someone my Sir and there is no clear communication. i have asked several questions of you. sometimes an email or two expaining confusion i have. in doing that i get a hope that i will get a response one way or another to clarify things. and i dont. but i know you are busy. :) again no harsh feelings. but i know what i need, and i need more than a hello after a week, and get written to because i  forgot the Y. i would be more observant of such things if i feel i get equality back. and if you say we are on a two way street.... i dont like this road. it needs a differnt path. i know that much about myself.

"Beautifull profile best of luck in your search .. softly strokes her hair.. "

*sigh* thank you. a virtual stroking of my hair.... how do i wish i could have it in reality. someone to accompany my time. to want things for me, or things for US. someone taking the lead for me, knowing what i crave. the intimacy i want. being stern but yet soooo loving to me. and despite the sterness everything from Him will come off as so loving, because i would know this. i would feel this connection. i would not be scared of Him. Although i i may get scared. and His boldness would show through :) i could cry in His arms. I could feel scared and it would be ok. because i would be protected. He would protect me emotionally. i wouldnt have to hide any feelings, i could finally share them, and be ok with it, because He would WANT to hear them. He would WANT me,

Today i had a rather stressful meeting and was really worried about it.  My stomach was in knots and i was very nervous.  Got into the meeting and had a wonderful surprise. Hopefully soon there will be an end to this year long drama.  I can not wait to get this drama out of my way. :) I think i deserve a nice hair stroking right about now.... one day... one day... i will get rewarded from someone who wants my time. honestly.

Went out bowling last night, ate some mexican food, had ice cream, then ordered some Dominoes pizza at about mid night.  It was a nice night.
Today i have had a lot to think about :) i thank all of you for giving me things to think of.... not that i dont think on my own, because i certainly do that as well.
As i have said to some of you, i am an open book. i enjoy being open with others.  especialy those of you who are interested, i am glad to share my mind with you.
tomorrow i have some pretty extreme things going to happen. i am trying to prepare myself for those. and then need to get a workout in. ;)
whistle while you work right?

some of you please bare patience, i did receive your mails, however sometimes i dont know why i delay in responding.
others of you, if you simply dont read my profile and ask me something that was certainly already stated, i do not bother to reply, i just delete and move on:)
some days i just need more thought than others, so i will hold off until i feel ok to answer.
i hope you understand. and im sure most of you will.

today i have been doing really well. its been a touchy day for sure lol. i know one of you know this!lol but tomorrow will be better i am certain.

of course tomorrow will have its own hump to get over. but BRING IT ON :)

i have enjoyed many conversations over the last 2 days. thank you all for stopping in.
and continue to do so. you are always welcome.
i enjoy company, and look forward to knowing more ofyou and what you are about.

When i do find you. How will i think.  Of course i think of what it would be like after all the searching has been done. And i am no officially yours and you are mine. How the day will pass when you are working. And how i will look forward to you comming home.

I want to greet you at the door.  With a big kiss and hug. I want to acknowledge how grateful i am of you.

I will have dinner done, or at least just about done,
can i start you a bath sir? a shower? what are your needs at the moment? i want to love on you. will you love on me too?

May i sit by your side, put my head on your lap? may you stroke my hair? i want your nurture. i want your understanding. i want your love.