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I started my New Year with a new playmate who I enjoy and hope to continue enjoying with this New Year. I have, also. decided to start developing my Domme side and with him I believe I can learn to be a good Domme. I've been a good submissive but there has always been that Dominant side that peeks through. so. I am going to nurture that side of me,
This past year was a very bumpy ride for me - I started the year out with my 1st Master, who I have decided was not good for me and I have removed from my life completely. Then I found a Master who I thought was going to be there for me and teach me to be a great submissive - he taught me protocol and discipline but in the end he broke my heart. Then I met a man on here who online made my world spin - he gave me that giddy school girl smile and made me feel oh so good, but, he had issues outside of our D/s relationship that he could not overcome leaving me as well with a broken heart. So, I am beginning a new year with a new play partner and a new direction. Here is to a New Year!!!
Mistress Tara
One door closes with a bang and another opens .... 
Found a Dom who is training me the way i need to be trained - i'm very happy and content.  i am owned
i have been going through a Metamorphosis during the past few of years - since leaving my husband. There, i was living as a slave without my consent. The humiliation that i had endure on daily basis was not good for me. When i, finally, figured out that this was emotional abuse, where i was continuly worried about when the other shoe would hit the ground, i got up the nerve and strength to leave with just the clothes on my back and no money in my pocket.
i got into the lifestyle through my 1st Master, who introduced me to being able to submit to someone and having the power of giving consent to that submission. He was very helpful in many respects to my growth but his help did not come without cost. He has hurt me in so many different ways due to his inexperience and inability to take others' feelings and thoughts into consideration.
i do have to thank another. He was someone i could trust and i did believe that he had my best interests in mind. He taught me discipline and respect for my Dom. He was very patient and would put me in my place when I needed or deserve it. In the end, his silence right after our 1st and only rl meeting was so painful and confusing. It made me feel that I had done something wrong. i understand and recovered from this hurtful experience. i do miss our friendship and wish that had continued. i hope he finds what he is looking for in his complicated life.
i moved to the Pasadena, CA, area for better economic opportunities, in October 2009, leaving behind a city i truly loved and miss. I am living at home in a very very vanilla situation which is driving me crazy. I will be moving on from here as soon as possible.
i found a new job which is very fulfilling and challenging. It is much like my 3 last jobs, cleaning up someone else's accounting mess. It is a puzzle right now but the pieces are starting to fall into place. i've just completed my 90 day probation and now have benies i didn't have in the past - woohoo....
Well, that is enough of me for now.
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I am now uncollared - spoke to my Master on Friday night after a week of soul searching and told him that I could not do poly anymore - the distance is too much for me.
Everytime I turned around, him and his pet were doing something together and I felt very left out. It was too lopsided. I got to do nothing with him except maybe once a month. I could not deal with this anymore.
Yes, I was jealous after all I had a 3 year relationship with him and she had a few months. She was receiving the vast majority of his time. I could not do this anymore.
What I need in a Master is someone who will be there for me, someone who wants me, someone who thinks I'm important.
I want to thank everyone who has reached out to check on me - your caring words are very much appreciated. I will be okay and I deserve better.
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 Well, since Valentines day, I've found that my place is on the outside looking in - where else would it be - I live too far away....
Time to do something else....and stop worrying about whatever .... 
I need a Chico fix - oh, to see friends who don't expect anything out of you and you don't expect anything in return  |
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Well, I got erotic poetry read to me by Master but I wasn't the one he was holding while he was reading it. I wasn't the one being caressed. And I won't be the one he will be fucking tonight. My heart is exploding!!!! |
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Well, here I am alone like usual and I just found out that my Master is at a play party with his pet. Now usually this does not bother me but he told me earlier in the week that she is taking him to the Rocky Picture show, his fav, Saturday night and even got him a costum to wear to the show. I didn't know that they had the whole fucking weekend sown up with plans to be together leaving me out of everything. I would have been able to take this if I had been given some heads up but no that just didn't happen. It is like they were hidding the fact that they had plans for this weekend. Then the icing on top of all of this is that for my birthday she gave me plane tickets so I can spend the weekend with him. I thought she was doing that out of the kindness of her heart not because I was being left out for Valentines weekend. I know that I am probably being unreasonable about this but my nose is really bent and I am lashing out.
When I complained about what was going on he had the gall to compare me to this bitch who has been stalking him for what seems forever. I am so very pissed and very broken hearted. I'm sitting in my brother's apartment all alone with no one to talk to or anything. I'm so very unhappy right now I just don't know what to do.
I hate where I live I hate what is going on I hate how it is making me feel I hate what is on tv I hate everything right now!!!!!!!!
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Well, Valentines Day is this weekend and I will be alone for the 1st time in a long time but the following weekend is my birthday  and I will be with my Master to celebrate it.
You see his pet gave me a very wonderful birthday present - plane tickets so I could be with him on my birthday. She knew I was having a hard time being so far away from him and so generously gave me what I really wanted for my birthday - I do thank her and love her for what she has done.  |
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I forgot one important thing that happened in November 2009 - I got a voice mail from "Switchy," during the time period I was not speaking to him at all, saying that he had gotten a call from Chico PD saying that someone had turned in a duffle bag with his passport in it and pictures that belong to me going back 25/30 years which was found in front of PV High School in Chico, CA.
Well, I could not believe it because I had moved from Chico two weeks prior and everything should be in storage. So, after a few days I called him and asked him to send the duffle bag to me. I was still in dis-belief that could be true.
The bag showed up a few days later and yes it was mine and my pictures. I have no idea how the bag ended up in front of PV - we have no idea how it showed up there. It is a huge mystery.
This fortuitous event started a dialog between "Swithy" and me which once again opened the door, which I had slammed shut, to our friendship.
I believe this was providence bringing us back together the way we are suppose to be - side by side. |
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Today, i received my new name tara to go with my new collar and New/Old/1st Master.
I am very happy with my new name and my Master. It is Gaelic and refers to the mountian in Ireland that was protected because it was where the gods lived and no one but gaurds and kings/queens were allowed. Plus, there is a buddist connetion in which the name refers to a Buddha in female aspect, Tara represents enlightened activity with the ability to help all sentient beings quickly and gives refuge. Oh, and, it is the plantation in Gone with the Wind that Scarlet O'Hara protected so vehemently.
Thursday night, Master told me why he finally collared me after 3 year of being together off and on. He said that he did not want to lose me again. It hurt him too much to lose me the last time when i got collared in August. This made me ball like a baby and really know that he truly does love me and re-enforce the love we have together.
Friday night, i met Master's pet, luna. We are in the process of getting to know each other. She is a wonderful woman and i believe that we will get along just fine. |
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Well, it has been a very long time since I've written.
Things that have happened:
1. Finally, met "Master" on 11/15
a. he officially collared me
b. had a great scene (for me)
c. sex with Master was wonderful
d. spent hours in each others arms really getting to know each other and watching tv -
i. cuddling is wonderful
ii. getting petted is wonderful
iii. lying in his arms and caressing and being caressed is wonderful
2. Silence from "Master"
a. why - don't know
b. completely frustrated
c. hurt
3. Sub Drop
a. 1st time ever
b. continuous crying
i. returned to taking my anti-depressants
ii. doesn't help much
c. did a lot of research to combat it
i. communication pramount
ii. reassurance very necessary
d. continued silence from "Master"
4. Contacted his other sub and found out that he was being silent towards her too and she was getting pissed. 
5. Finally heard from "Master" on 11/25 - 10 days since our 1st face to face and him putting his collar on me
a. he said he was running and was stopping
b. he was confused
c. wants to be "freinds" 
i. i am very very disappointed
ii. i am very very confused
iii. i am very very heartbroken
d. he told me I had done nothing wrong - he was having problems
e. i asked about my collar and he said he was not going to remove it from me.
6. Called my best friend - "Switchy"
a. told him what happend
b. he was very surprised
c. told me not to worry he was sure it wasn't anything I had done.
d. said that he was here for me if I needed him
7. Thanksgiving
a. called "Switchy" needed some TLC
i. found out that "Switchy" was with one of his gf's
ii. "Switchy" & gf broke up
b. didn't hear from "Master" until prompting him
8. Got text msg from "Switchy's" gf - telling me that she wishes me well
9. Invited "Switchy" down for Christmas
10. Communicated with "Master"
a. "Switchy" wanted to know whether or not the no penetration with anyone except "Master" was still in effect
b. Asked "Master" about it and said that if we are just friends I should have the option to have sex with whom ever I wanted
c. "Master" agreed with my request
11. Removed my "Master's" collar
a. depression
b. strong feelings of loss
c. lots of weeping
12. Continued my communication with "Switchy"
13. Spent 96 hours (4 days) in jail for a DUI I got back in September
a. "Switchy" was there for me spiritually
b. he requested to pick me up - he was told it was not necessary
c. 1st time I said "I Love You" to "Switchy" in a very very long time
d. silence from "friend"
14. Continued Silence from "Friend"
15. Christmas 
a. "Switchy" came down for a 5 day visit and re-aquaintence
b. spent the 5 days in a motel alone without my vanilla family - except for a few hours on Christmas Day
c. 1st night "together" I was very nervous
i. we had not been together in months
ii. still reeling from "Friend"
iii. still operating as "friend's" sub
iv. needed and got help from "Switchy" to break those feelings
d. being with "Switchy" wonderful, sweet, and intense all at the same time.
e. Love for "Switchy" still there
15. "Switchy" and i attend the D/s Poly Support Group and MAsT @ Lair deSade
a. verbal confirmation that the break up with "Friend" has brought us together
i. brought giant smile to my face
b. still wanting "friend" to want me
c. confusion
16. Got an email from someone asking why "friend" has removed me as his submissive - 1st news of this to me
a. check "friend's" profile
i. yes, he has removed me as his submissive
ii. no, he did not give me any warning of my removal
iii. his new profile says in the 1st paragraph: I am currently in the middle of a metamorphosis... I am sorry to anyone Ive hurt and I did not wish to hurt you (well not in the way I did...)
A. I take great exception to this
B. he has said he would not hurt me
iv. hurt/confusion
A. hurt because my heart his breaking
B. confused because I love two men now
v. wrote "friend" told him how I felt
b. wrote friend of "friend"
i. told her that I really didn't know what happened
ii. thanked her for the heads up.
c. she wrote back
i. thanked me for being up front with her
ii. said that she was going to steer clear of him
iii. became friends with her
d. removed "friend" as my Master on my profile
17. talked to "Switchy" about how I felt
18. got 2 voice mails from "Switchy's" ex-gf saying basically the same thing.
19. became "Swtichy's" submissive
a. changed my profile to reflect this change
b. Switchy is now Master
20. 1/13 flew up to the Bay Area
a. spending 5 days with Master
b. Master gave me his collar
c. added to my profile my collaring by Master
d. going to meet Master's new Pet luna
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As I have submitted to Master to have sexual relations with him only I'm finding that I really miss the physical. I'm beginning to believe that I am turning into a virgin again, which is what he has said he is shooting for in denying me.
It has been since the middle of July since I've been with anyone and I am becoming very meloncholy. 
I've gotten to the point that I don't ask when it will happen because I am beginning to think it might not ever happen - so, in order to keep my emotional being in check I just don't go there anymore - if it happens it happens - I give up.  |
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Well, this is the 1st Halloween in a very long time that I have spent all alone - wow, is that boring - I hope to never do this again.
Had a great phone sex session with Master last night - very intense and took awhile to calm down from afterwards. I can't wait to do that in person - it will be the Perfect Storm.
Went to my 1st Munch down here in Pasadena this last Thursday. I had a great time and met a couple of nice like minded people. We are getting together again this week on Thursday. The munch is called the Pasadena Roses and Thorns Munch - we are listed on .
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Well, I've made the move to the Pasadena, CA area - a place I used to live years ago. I've returned home due to economic difficulties and my never ending divorce. So, I've living in a very very vanilla situation which I'm hating. I have no real privacy and feel like I do not belong here. I'm hoping and praying that this will change very soon. I don't want to be emotionally raw too long.
My only saving grace is that I am much closer to Master - woohoo!! |
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Submitted to Master - became his - last night. It was very intense and wonderful and given freely... |
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Well, this weekend Master is visiting with an old gf - so, I'm a little lonely and I do miss his sexy voice.
Tomorrow I am going with friends to the Folsom Street Fair. This will be my 1st time and I'm sure it will be an eye-opener. I can't wait. |
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Went to a weekend play party - had a good time - got to show off my new collar - but I had to deal with "switchy" - I made sure he kept his distance and did not speak to him at all. |
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Well, today is one of my many days of the week that I have off - spent the day really doing nothing - very bored...
 Today, started out to be a boring day but these things change - I got my training collar from Master today. It is perfect!! I'm so very happy!!
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 Well, I am lonely today - Master is visiting another and won't be back until tomorrow evening. I do hope he has a good time - he does deserve it, just wish it was with me. Oh well, my turn will cum....
So, I'm here with my cats, Dawg and Hacha, trying my best to entertain myself. |
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Learning to control my orgasims through Master - used to be very hard to do - but I think I needed the correct controller, Master. Or someone I wanted to be controlled by...
I am a gusher and I cannot wait to gush all over Master.
What I am learning from a distance, with my Master, would have been wonderful to learn earlier....
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Well, Switchy was told not to contact me and Sunday he broke all the rules - I over reacted and hid with friends - came home - did a little puking - not a happy camper here at all. And I think Master is not happy with me either. Anyway spent tonight filtering out Switchy and removing and blocking him from me.
On a better front - I've taken care of a 3 day notice and my cats and I will have a roof over our heads. I knew everything would work out and it did. 
Missing my contact with Master :(
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Well, things are changing - I've found a Master - He has given me a new name "ladybug" which I love. Today is his Birthday - Happy Birthday Master!! 
No more Switchy for me - I am done with him. |
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| Age: 24 |
| Ny,
New York |
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I do need to find a munch group down there - if anyone belongs to one please send me a message. Thanks