Some thoughts and tips about how to be dominant

"Kneel, slave!" Is it really that simple?

Yes, in some cases those simple words can make submissives' knees go weak, make their own will go out the window and immerse them into subspace, but probably more often not. It depends on the dominant saying the words, the submissive hearing them, the interaction between them, the mood and the situation.

First, despite what some people think or state, there are no general rules for what a dominant should be like. Second, if you need to ask the question how you should be dominant, you probably first need to ask the question why you want to be dominant.

So, why do you want to be dominant? Is it in your heart? Have you found that one special person who happens to be submissive? Do you want a BDSM partner but think it's too hard finding a dominant one. Do you want submissives as easy fuck toys? Do you want revenge for being rejected? Do you like the BDSM dominant clothing fashion? Do you want to be able to hang out with other cool dominants as an equal?

If it's in your heart to be dominant, you really don't need to ask others how to be dominant. Follow your heart, find someone who is willing to match your desires without too much compromise from either side, or one or both of you will be frustrated. If you're just out of ideas, google for some of your favorite kinks and be inspired by the texts and images you will find.

If it's in your heart to be dominant but you are new to the scene or uncertain about if you really can do what you want to do, know this: There will always be someone out there who will think your kink is OK and appreciate it, even if that someone may be hard to find and some others may frown or laugh at you and your kink.

If people tell you your kink is not OK, it means it's not OK with them, which you should respect. However, it may still be OK with others, perhaps even some present who don't dare speak up. The only kinks that may not be OK are those that are punishable by law, e.g. murder and non-consensual kidnapping, rape and assault. In some places and cases such actions are illegal even if all involved parties consent to them.

If you want to be dominant for someone else, what is it that person wants, are you willing to go as far as that person needs, and are you both comfortable with you doing it not for your own pleasure but for someone else's? Many submissives won't give any kind of wish list or even hints to follow, but require the dominant to take the lead and make the decisions.

Also, to be dominant to a submissive, when it's not in your heart, may require you to do things that could be hard to bear doing to someone you care about, even if that is what is required to make that person happy and satisfied. Could you bear inflicting distress, pain, humiliation and tears to that special someone in your heart?

If you are looking for a BDSM partner and believe you can increase your odds by acting the dominant part, perhaps you should think again. Many submissives are most unwilling to switch to the dominant role, and also many switches may be upset by being misled by someone claiming to be dominant. So, unless willing to keep acting the dominant role, this is probably not a good way.

If you want submissives as easy fuck toys, many "real" dominants and submissives will frown at you. In their minds, dominance and submission is something much grander than just using and abusing. But there are also submissives who will be quite content with the degradation and humiliation of being just fuck toys and nothing more. Just don't assume everyone will accept it.

If revenge is the motivation for your wish to be dominant, you may be threading very thin ice. The step can be very short to pass those limits where your actions will be punishable by law. Even if you don't pass those limits, you are still likely to hurt people physically or emotionally in ways they will not appreciate or ever forgive. There are strong reasons not to pursue such a path.

If you believe you need to become a dominant just to be permitted to dress in some groovy and kinky clothes and attire, with a matching attitude, perhaps you are overdoing things. If you need to learn things and act up to create your own personal identity, then the question is if that identity really is you and if you will be comfortable with it.

If you want to be dominant to fit into a group, then it's the ways and opinions of that group that should guide you. Since there are no general rules on how a dominant should be, those ways and opinions may differ widely between groups. You need to listen in and be ready to adapt to become accepted in such a group.

Like beauty, dominance is much in the eye of the beholder. What one submissive sees as really dominant may be regarded as silly and theatrical by another, or psychopathical and most unpleasant by a third. No dominant will ever be able to please all submissives with one dominant act.

Regardless of your motives for being a dominant, there is also the submissive(s) you interact with that may affect the way you should behave as a dominant. Just like with dominants, there are no general rules for what a submissive should be like.

Some submissives enjoy rough physical play and severe pain, others are afraid of or turned off by it. Some submissives enjoy being scared and have their minds played with, others may panic or feel very uncomfortable with it. Some submissives enjoy humiliation like e.g. public exhibition, others would never accept it.

Some submissives want to leave all decisions to the dominant. They will accept whatever discomforts and suffering that may bring. Being forced to accept things they don't really like is sometimes the very essence of submission to them. Some are also thrilled when they feel the dominant doesn't regard them at all.

Some submissives want to be able to state clear limits and also be able to have safewords to stop the action if it becomes too much for them. Often they also need to feel the dominant regarding them and their desires even when they haven't stated clearly what they want themselves.

Some submissives want to negotiate every step of a scene. They want to be in full control of what the dominant is doing and be able to stop or adjust it at any time. Some may deliver pre-written manuscripts, describing how they would like the dominant to dress, act and treat them throughout the scene.

The behavior, limits and desires of a submissive may change with time and situation. It will probably evolve with experience, depend on mood and excitement, be influenced by the dominant and previous actions. At one time point the submissive may want full control, at another no control at all, even with the same dominant and in identical situations.

Many submissives do not want to state their desires and limits with words. They expect the dominant to be able to read their physical responses, if not their mind, to know how to proceed. This requires the dominant to be very attentive, but also allows for adjusting to shifts in limits and desires.

It is up to both the dominant and submissive(s) to find a compromise in the way of domination, when it's needed, to meet at least the minimum needs of all involved. If such a compromise is not possible, then perhaps that particular dominant and submissive(s) may not be a good enough match for each other to continue at least the domination part of the relationship.

So, the answer to how you should be dominant is up to you and your possible partner(s). No one else, except maybe the law, can tell you if it's right or wrong. If you will shape your dominance all on your own, in interaction with your partner(s), or ruled by their desires and limits, is entirely up to you and your partner(s).

Am serious and I'm not here to waste my time with some craps.......and dumbasses ...............................

Hi everybody! Cassandra here! When I realized it was going to be my turn to post *coughyesterdayatfivepmcough*, I started to think about some of the issues I see in BDSM books that I don’t think are well understood or explained. Two related items that came to mind quickly were soft and hard limits. Here’s a definition of each from , a place I would trust would know the proper definition:

Soft limit: A limit which is not necessarily set in stone. It may be flexible, may be pushed or may change over time and/or with experience or knowledge of that type of play.

Hard limit: What someone absolutely will not do, usually non-negotiable (may or may not be subject to change over time).

When I see someone just talk about “limits” in a BDSM book, I cringe, because as you can see, soft and hard limits are definitely two different things. So if I say that, for instance, being given away is a “limit” – is a “soft limit” or a “hard limit”? The reason this bothers me is because if people read BDSM books and then base their play on what they read, a Dom/me may push or force his/her sub into doing the sub isn’t ready for or isn’t interested in.

You may be saying, “But a sub can always speak up”, and that’s true, but when you combine the “mind fuck” aspect of BDSM with the need to speak up the sub may be too intimidated or afraid to upset or disappoint their Dom/me. Maybe I’m overreacting or overstating this, but I think it’s important if you’re going to be a practitioner of BDSM that you clearly understand the difference.

Now, on to the fun stuff: if you were a Dom would you push your sub regarding their “soft limits”? Why or why not?

Cassandra Carr

http://www.booksbycassandracarr.com

Today's quote from a wonderful writer:

One way to tell that a kinky relationship has crossed the line into abuse if the submissive visibly fears their dominant. Fear should never, ever play a part in a good D/s relationship. If there is fear of the dominant, then there is a reason for it. In a good D/s relationship, no will always mean no, stop means stop, or whatever variation of safe words are used. If a safe word is agreed upon then ignored, the dominant is violating the wishes of the submissive and is, without question, abusing them.

Another sign of an abusive D/s relationship is, much like in a non-kinky relationship, an uncontrollable temper. If a dominant can't control themselves, how can they control another without going too far? A dominant with a bad temper can cause more than just physical harm to a submissive, they can inflict mental damage or teach the submissive that this is how they should be treated.

BDSM relationshsips are consensual, but if a submissive finds themselves with an abusive dominant, they may find that their activities are no longer consensual. If a submissive doesn't consent to the play, then the dominant is abusing, if not raping the submissive if it goes as far as non-consensual sex. Beyond that, any play that goes beyond an limits of a submissive, whether they are discussed or not, is abusive to the submissive. If play is not enjoyed by any involved party, it is abuse.

If you see a submissive who exhibit any sort of sign of abuse, then it needs to be addressed directly, especially if they don't seem to realize that their relationship is not what a good D/s kink relationship should be. Often times, an abused submissive does not realize that they are being abused, as far too often an abused person has never known a relationship that wasn't abusive. Abusers prey on the naive, untrained, inexperienced submissives, thinking that they will believe that nothing is wrong.

If you know someone is an abuser, then you should try to get them to seek out help. If they don't want help, then try your best to watch for warning signs of abuse if they get involved with a submissive. If you are part of a lifestyle group of any sort and know of an abuser, make sure the group knows as well, so that they are aware of the potential problems to look for signs themselves.

from another author:

TIPS FOR MASTERS

1. Approach Mastery with humility. Consider the gift your slave gives you in granting you control of her mind and body. Abuse her gift at your peril.

2. Know that the slave controls the ultimate limits of her submission. You may test her limits..may be even encouraged to do so..but respect her fears. Grant her a safeword, discuss limits, hers and yours.

3. Read up on Gor. Look at the Gor web pages, find a couple of Norman's books to read. Gor is more complicated than it first appears, and many (most) Masters are less well educated in it's lore than are their slaves.

4. Consider the concept of honor. A Gorean Master is nothing without it.

5. Consider the concept of pride. A Master's pride is in himself and his honor, his slaves pride in her Master and in her submission.

6. Examine the channels you frequent. Some channels are strict, some relaxed. Fit your behavior to the channel you are in. Do not expect the channel to change to fit you.

7. Be polite.

8. Show respect. Do not abuse the property of other Masters. When speaking to a slave find out who her Master is, what limits he has placed on her service, and respect those limits.

9. Know your caste, color, and history...the question keeps coming up...and doh? isn't much of an answer.

10. Gorean Masters don't take a lot of crap from anyone..(see 4 & 5)..but this is is IRC, and any battle here is a battle of wits...try to come armed.

11. Don't get into fights with Mistresses. First, it looks bad fighting with a woman, second, being a Mistress is tough in Gor. If the Mistress has been around a while she may be VERY well armed for a battle of wits......

12. The same thing applies to slaves. it's a tough life sometimes. Don't confuse submission with weakness. Or with stupidity.....

13. Gor is supposed to be enjoyable. Enjoy it. Let others enjoy it. Or go elsewhere.

I'm going to post some interesting things which I've read and like it:

I have seen many new Dominants struggle with the fact that no one takes them seriously when they start out. Yes, they still have no idea what is going on, but dominance is sometimes a natural phenomenon. I have found myself in the presence of men that did not even identify as dominants that made me quiver with their natural power.

Yes, there are other things like learning the techniques, getting to know the toys and getting a mentor to help that all help to hone skills, but dominance is dominance and can be used from day one if you do it correctly. Here are a few tips for the new dominant to create a loving relationship or a successful play partnership.

Remember that Rome was not built in a day and that your relationship with a new submissive will not ripen overnight, even though it might feel like it does so much quicker than any vanilla relationship you have had. Patience is a virtue and you need to take it slow to create that perfect scene or the perfect relationship. If you do this at the right tempo, she or he will not go anywhere.

Know that we all started somewhere and by acknowledging that you need some help with basic techniques and toys, you endear yourself to others. Rather than hurt someone, go see a mentor together and learn together or have her or him teach you. There is no shame in a submissive teaching you. In fact, the submissive will probably give you lots of insight with regards to the psychology of the submissive. You should also try some of the things on yourself to understand what it feels like.

Be humble. Do not strut around like a fool. People will see you for the fake you are. You are not God's gift to every submissive and not all of them need to treat you with the respect you think you deserve. Be careful to not let your ego kill any chances you might have of building a relationship or getting a new play partner.

When you communicate honestly with prospective submissives, you will find that a lot of them will want to walk the path of D/s or M/s or even SM with you. You need to get to know a submissive so well that you can use the way they think to dominate them more effectively. This takes two people too, since no one will open up to someone who does not know how to be open and honest him or herself.

Be sensitive to your new partner's wants and needs. Be aware of your own wants and needs and know where to find the balance. If you like whipping and she doesn't, then you could always start off slower by doing some flogging in a sensual way. This way you fulfill some of your needs and you take hers or his into account too. She will be more likely to play with you again if you show that it is not only about you for you.

You need to be devious too. Know that you always end the scene before the submissive has had enough. You want the person to come back to you and beg to play again. You also need to take into account that not enough might be too much on some days as the submissive's body would sometimes protest something today that was fantastic yesterday. Know that limits change and that sometimes a submissive wants more even when you think it was enough. Keep track of the scene and learn to read the submissive through odor, taste and posture. The odor of a submissive in subspace or close to it is sometimes slightly metallic. That is why you never want a submissive to wear perfume

or body oils when you play.

Remember that you are here to dominate the submissive. Be firm and self-assured. Know what you want and do not apologize for wanting it. State your wants and needs clearly and clarify it should the sub not understand. Discipline transgressions consistently and make sure that you do what you say when you said you would. Use your voice and hand gestures and make sure that rules are established and that they are followed.

You need to make sure that you are physically able to play. For this you need some strength, fitness and agility some times. Make sure that you do not use drugs or alcohol when you play, as you need to be completely aware of the environment and the submissive much more so than she or he needs to be. Have fun though and enjoy the journey. I am sure these tips will help. These tips are generic though and you will find them all over. Remember that wisdom lies in the oft-repeated phrases.

By a good dominant author...