CDDana

Male Submissive, 38, Salt Lake City, Utah

Transgender Submissive, 19

I do wish I had really amazing stuff to write, but truth be told, transitioning to a more fem form takes place in tiny little increments that are all too often impossible to write about in anyway that is interesting -- it's kind of like trying to write about a turtle trying to cross a busy highway...... "He's walking........he's walking.........he's walking......OH WAIT, HE ALMOST GOT HIT........no?........he's walking.........he's walking..........he's walking............he's there" As stirring as that play-by-play of the turtle's progress was, it's positively nail bitingly exciting next to such tidbits as "Nipples hurt today.......areoles are bigger........pants a little more snug in the butt........pants a little more loose in the waist." With that all said, I do want to say thank you to the one Master who has helped me so much, who is making this all possible and who I will belong to for as long as He wants me.

I have been dealing with computer issues recently so it has been hard to get on line --- or stay on -- since the computer fan is apparently not working and my computer keeps overheating and shutting down!! Before I get kicked off by the computer gods, let me just say very quickly that the hormones have begun to make still subtle, but more noticeable changes to my body. I thought the estrogen alone would be all that I needed for breast development but the finasteride has led to renewed nipple and areoles growth- which is painful but fun to watch. The finasteride is also noticeably accelerating the redistribution of subcutaneous fat from the genetic male areas to the much more fun, female places. This is a long process that can take up to two years to complete, but it is nice to see that it has actually begun in earnest.

Been taking a slight break from writing mostly because there's little of real substance to write about (unless people want to know what I did or didn't have for a snack - or some similar irrelevant subject). I started taking finasteride on Sunday and while I've not seen any radical changes in the few days since I expect that I will shortly begin to see much more of the feminine me emerge. Till then, I'm boring :-)

::sighs:: I am leading a somewhat boring life right now, but it's been worth it. After all, there's a chance of my moving into a new household situation and I will do everything I possibly can to be both ready and desirable. Pretty much all the more obvious hormone-related changes that were supposed to occur have occurred. These have been lovely but I'm anxiously awaiting the opportunity to begin taking anti-androgens since these - when combined with hormones - are said to be responsible for the most profound and desirable changes - including a girl's waist and booty. I really wish I knew someone who both wanted to do castrations and actually knew HOW. Once I am castrated, the changes will come faster and be more pronounced

I was told a long time ago that, despite my having been born a male, that my nature, my personality and even certain physical "cues" indicated that I probably should have been born a girl. I never had "gender dysphoria" and never gave a lot of thought toward being a girl - but that was before a strong Master took me and turned me into one - or as close to one as was possible - against my wishes. Since that point I have accepted that he knew better and have accepted that my true purpose is serving Men rather than being one. I got more evidence today of who and what I am meant to be when I was able to squeeze my nipples and have milk first bead up and then squirt out. I am lactating and this is totally unexpected and MUCH earlier and easier than I think it ought to be - unless of course the hormones I am taking are simply correcting my body's purpose and function to that of a girl's. Mind you, I had given much thought to the possibility of eventually being able to induce lactation but had not EVER expected it would (or could) happen so quickly - or without any real efforts at inducing lactation. I guess I should be happy. I definitely am not sad. I think maybe the best word I'd use is to say that I'm stunned.

I've not been writing a whole lot lately. This has nothing to do with any disinterest in writing and is more the result of where I am at as a gurl and as a person. Since I consider myself owned, I don't have any stories to tell about sexual escapades (which I doubt I'd share even if I did). Since I remIn focused on weight loss, there's not a lot of interesting stuff to talk about there either. Finally, since the estradiol is doing all it's supposed to do and since I think I'm close to all the major physical changes it brings, I'm kind of boring until the next round of pills - when I will be starting finasteride. That's when I hope to see my butt filling out and my hips widening noticeably. ::laughs:: till then I'm kind of a bore

Not a lot to write about today. Mostly, my boobs have stopped hurting which, if what I have been reading is correct, means that my body has finished developing the ducts necessary for lactation. My boobs will now continue to grow, but they've already reached that very important stage of development- that means I could (with proper inducement) produce milk........::smiles:: which I guess means I could be a hucow (just kidding - I could, but I'm sure there are better candidates). Since I am still dissatisfied with the snail's pace of my weight loss I am going to start a new diet/exercise regimen. I had already cut out ALL sweets and was trying to hike anywhere from 3.5 to 12.5 miles every day (except for last week when I had a toothache and this week when I've been kind of in recovery mode). Starting next week it's going to be a minimum of 5 miles a day and I'm limiting myself to 2hardboiled eggs and 2 pieces of toast in the morning, soup at lunch and a normal meal at dinner. If this doesn't produce the results I want, I may just have to throw in the towel and go see a doctor.

I have been slacking off on my journal this last week - mostly because I had a filling come loose and was in a fair amount of discomfort/pain. I'm good now but need to play catch up... Fortunately (or unfortunately), I don't have all that terrible much to report. After close to 2 months of my body resisting weight loss, it finally started responding again - funny what a starvation diet will do for you. Either way, this week I lost 4.5 pounds -- if I can now just average half this amount for the next 3 months I will be happy. Physically changes: Clitty is now very small and it stays that way 24/7. Happily, I can rub it with my finger (the way any real girl might rub her clitty), but it is too small to do anything else than this; My boobs have slowed down a bit - or appear to have at least. In truth, it only seems that way because my chest muscles are shrinking; Butt and thighs are still getting slowly but undeniably "thicker"; Shoulders have shrunk some, as has my upper back area; My face now has a very definite feminine aspect to it.

Another day, another small but encouraging change..... I have been keeping myself on a fairly brutal daily routine. I get up, have coffee and either 2 hard boiled eggs or 2 pieces of toast. Then I will put on jogging or hiking clothes (usually sweats of some kind) and try to walk/jog a minimum of 3.5 miles (maximum so far has been 12). The reason I do the walk/jog is to both help develop my butt and thighs (womanly areas) while avoiding any workout of my chest, arms or shoulders (manly areas). That plus the calories I burn are important since the hormones increase the difficulty in losing weight. One little trick I do to help sweat off a little extra more quickly is to wrap my torso in Saran Wrap (it acts like a sauna suit only better). Usually, this "sauna suit" will stay in place for 45 minutes before my upper back muscles push it down. Today was the first day that the Saran Wrap stayed up the entire day. What is important about this is that my upper back has already started to lose mass - one of the most important steps on the way to full femininity.

This has been my "flu weekend" and I am just now starting to feel a tiny bit better (but still not wonderful).  As a result of having the flu, I have been sleeping a lot - which means I've been neglecting my writing.  As much as I'd like to be sleeping even now, I think it's more important to at least say a little something, so here goes...... I didn't get a lot done this weekend but did manage to get my ears pierces - two on each ear.  I am currently wearing posts/studs that they gave me at Claire's and will go looking for some pretty earrings during the week. Despite being sick I think it is very important that I remain focused on who and what I now am.  I am somewhere between a caterpillar and a butterfly.  But mindful that I am to become a butterfly, I am not allowing my being sick to stop me from being who I now am.  As such, today was shaving and Nair day and after a nice bubble bath I slipped into a cute pair of pink thongs I had just bought along with a baby doll top. One more hour spent curling my hair and I was finally ready for bed. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new phase - a very important one.  I am beginning what I hope to make a week-long fast.  I exercise a ridiculous amount now but I am just not dropping the weight as fast as I'd like.  As a result, tomorrow (when I HOPE I feel completely better) I am beginning a 7-day fast in which I will have no more than 1 hardboiled egg in the morning and then water only.  I am hopeful that all this when combined with my usual strenuous workout will lead to a dramatic increase in the speed of my weight loss.  I am now dressing as a woman 24/7.  But I don't look womanly enough in terms of my curves.....having once been there when I was owned and controlled by a strict Master, I know what I am capable of looking like.  I will not be content until I look like that - or better - again.

I've been trying to make an effort not to write too much (after all, nobody wants a talkative gurl!). Anyway.... I am in one of the more difficult stages of MTF - the stage where I can feel and even see subtle little changes to my face and body but know that these changes are much too discreet still to be recognized by the casual observer - things like an oh-so-subtly more feminine face and skin tone, pants that are ever so slightly more snug in the butt and s bit looser in the waist (far too subtle still to be readily seen, the easiest way for me to Know is happening is that I now need to wear a belt to keep my pants from slipping down and becoming hip huggers - six months ago my waist would have been more than enough on its own to keep my pants from slipping down). I know that these subtle changes will begin to erupt into major changes that are readily apparent to everyone just to soon as I'm able to start taking finasteride - which I will be doing beginning with my next cycle of hormones. That is when life should really start to be fun since my curves will then start to become truly feminine. One other substantial change brought about by the hormones are perpetually sore and sensitive nipples. This is a result of my body's ongoing process of natural breast development

...and then there are days like today when everything seems to be going to slow and the estrogen tastes more like candy then estrogen- those are the times I stand in front of the mirror squinting and asking myself "is it really working" (even though I'm sure it is).

It has been awhile since I posted to my journal, but I'm going to try to start doing so on a semi regular basis since I wish to give my Master way of monitoring my progress without needing to look for an overabundance of emails. Having on hormones now for a sufficient amount of time, I am beginning to notice a few changes that's only be the result of these hormones. Emotionally, I am much different than I was even two months ago. I am far more inclined to cry at moments that we really shouldn't really call for crying. For instance, the other night I saw the final episode of the series "Justified" and ridiculous as it sounds, spontaneously burst into tears at a scene that just seemed particularly moving to me. that just isn't something I would ever have done before hormones. There are other slightly more subtle changes to my emotions which also show that I am in a way wearing them much closer to the surface than I used to. So far, the biggest physical changes have been agonizingly painful nipples and areoles which result of breast tissue beginning to grow beneath them - including the mammary ducts which will eventually make lactation possible. An equally big change which I first noticed just today is that my butt and thighs are perceptively bigger and my waist ever so slightly smaller. That is great because it means my body is now accumulating fat in female areas and depleting it from male areas - and while my overall weight loss has slowed to a crawl, it is largely explained by my body's shift in chemistry. (The way I know that my weight is shifting is 2-fold. For one thing, I put on my sweat pants to go on my daily walk and they kept slipping off my waist - a first (sadly, my love handles had held them up but these are noticeably shrinking. Secondly, after getting home and showering I pulled an a pair of jeans I have owned for years and for the first time ever noticed that they are a bit snug in the butt and thighs -- not quite "so tight my butt cheeks are squeezed into them", they were definitely noticeably more snug).

The Emperor Hadrian was asked about the greatness of the Roman Empire and how it grew to dominate the Ancient Mediterranean world. His answer was the now famous "brick by brick, my citizens, brick by brick" And so too are T-gurls built. An estrogen pill here, a diet plan there, an understanding that it isn't enough to strive to look feminine: true femininity lies in an internal sense of being feminine. It's that feeling when a man walks in the room to simultaneously want to be as sexy as you can be for him - and to abandon ALL thoughts, even about being sexy - by the overwhelming need to serve him. On more mundane matters, I have been diligently sticking to my exercise and diet routine. My caloric intake has ranged between 660 and 1200 a day for close to 2 weeks and I have been alternating gym days (glutes and sauna - since the last thing I want are muscles!) with hikes of anywhere from 5 to 8 miles (yesterday was 5, tomorrow will be 8). I doubt this current diet will be as effective as the sperm diet I was once put on, but with perseverance I should see results -- and once I begin back on the hormones, I'd like to think my old round-in-all-the-right-places body will begin to reemerge.

Today's winner (day's still young though). Cut and pasted, but NOT edited or altered in any way: Domxxx. So do you like tattoos? CdDana. I have 2 already and am never adverse to more - it's nice when they're tasteful but it's the Dom's decision. Domxxx. So if I owned you, you would get whatever tattoos I told you to? CdDana. Yes. Domxxx. No matter what? CdDana. Almost no matter what. It'd depend on our type relationship. If it is a casual situation (which I've actually never done), that'd be different from a LTR. Domxxx. I am only interested in LTR in which you become permanent property. CdDana. Then I would submit entirely as would be proper. Domxxx. I want your body tattooed to reflect both your status and my ownership. On your tummy between your clit and belly button, I want SISSY SLUT, on your butt on either side of your pussy I want CUM DUMP, on the back I want a tramp stamp and on your neck I want you marked as my property. You are good with all of these? CdDana. If I am taken as your property for life then I would not have any right to object. I would be every bit as much yours as a chair or anything else - except I DO a lot more. Domxxx. Good, you will do well. What about piercings? CdDana. I'm not wild about the idea since I've never had any but it's the same answer. If - IF - I belong to you, I cannot say no. What piercings? Domxxx. Nothing crazy - clit, nipples, ears, tongue. CdDana. Oh definitely then. I had already accepted these piercings as inevitable anyhow. Domxxx. I read something about someone wanting to pull your teeth? Are they bad or something? CdDana. No, not at all. All things considered, they are in extremely good shape. I had 2 pulled over the years (wisdom teeth) and another 2 filled, but they're good. It was just one of a potential Dom's requirements. He decided oral sex would be improved with no teeth. Domxxx. Really and you would DO that??? CdDana. Same answer as before. If you are a feminine submissive, especially if you are a feminine submissive who believes completely and unwaveringly in obeying your superior male Master, you must dedicate your life toward pleasing HIM and meeting HIS needs - so yes, if things had worked out, I'd of submitted to this. Of course, that's why people talk first - like you and I. What are the other modifications you'd be interested in making to me? Domxxx. Hormones of course and tits when the time came - big tits. CdDana. Absolutely on both. How big is big? Are we talking Dolly Parton big? Domxxx. 36dd or bigger - depending how they look. No smaller though. CdDana. My bone structure is actually medium at best, so I think I'd look fine with 36DD although I think that'd be close to the limit for sexy. Domxxx. Castration. CdDana. Of course, that is something most want and I am more than fine with -especially since it's one of the keys to maintaining a fully feminine figure and face - as well as a submissive and subservient nature. Domxxx. Collagen. I want thick cocksucker lips on my girl. CdDana. And you would get them. Next? Domxxx. I would keep you in a whore cage and you would be naked most of the time. When you dressed, it would only be as a slut. I also want to train your pussy for extreme dilation so you would need to wear progressively larger plugs 24/7. CdDana. I can't really give any opinions on the first few things, but you do realize that there is a chance that, if I wear progressively larger plugs, 24/7, that the dilation may become permanent. Would you actually find that sexy? Domxxx. Extremely and that is the main reason I want it. You would always need to keep the plug in you no matter where you go as a reminder of ownership by me. CdDana. Ah, okay, makes sense. Anything else? Domxxx. If all else proceeds and if the proper medical professional found, I would want you eventually - sooner rather than later - to have a cordechtomy. That would be one of the last things. CdDana. What is that? Isn't that basically like castration except where you'd crush the spermatic cord? Domxxx. lol, no, not even close. It is where the vocal cords are paralyzed or cut. It would reduce your ability to speak to basically grunts and moans. I've seen video of it only one time and was completely turned on by it. Bitch had the fucking of her life and all she could do basically was whine and squeal like an animal - not loud even, just loud enough to be a complete turn on. CdDana. Wow. Hey, we can talk a bit later if you want but I need to sign off for a bit. Domxxx. Okay bitch, talk to you later tonight. ............ That was on fetlife (I ordinarily won't share Collarspace conversations on Collarspace) and I've still not decided whether I want to renew the conversation. But it shows you both how far most feminine subs (like me - I think I am pretty average) will go to please a Master. It also shows just how far beyond some Masters will go if given complete control. No vocal cords?!? Honestly, I am still in a little bit of shock over that one.

I am nothing if not honest and up front. Who I am, where I have been and where I hope to end up are ALL laid out with perfect clarity -as, I hope, are all my current short-comings (e.g., I was once a real "looker" with a pretty face and a killer body - for now, I've still got the pretty face but need a strong man to beat, starve or encourage me back to the killer body). Since I am honest with myself, I tend to take criticism well - not some people. THIS from the Dom with the unreasonable time-table I wrote about yesterday: I just read your latest journal. I see you mocked Me!!! Good luck finding a Master I am no longer interested in you!! Although I am not sure, that almost reads like a Haiku poem, lol. Putting all conversation regarding accidental poetic talents to the side for the time being, this is why some Doms find themselves chronically alone. I knew very quickly that we'd not "match up" well (I crave dominant, not dumb) but did my best to be properly submissive in conversation (believe me, I was trained by the best), but a review of his journal revealed all anyone needed to know about his continuing solitude. It was replete with entries about how this sub or that sub was "just another fake" or disappointing because they wouldn't adhere to his fantasy-based timetable. I hate to see people stay lonely and unfulfilled - truly - and he's as entitled to find happiness as any other human. But I doubt he ever will so long as he expects his submissives to chose a life where the first words out of his mouth are (I am paraphrasing): "I have many things I want to do to you. They all cost money and are cumulatively VERY expensive. I want them done ASAP - oh, and I can't pay for any of them because I have no income- so you'd better get busy". Whatever you say, Tiger. I'd never mock anyone intentionally - least of all someone I feel sorry for at a basic level - but anyone who joins unrealistic goals with an equally unrealistic timetable would be about as ripe a subject for mockery as I know.

Every so often I talk to Dominant men who understand the basic truth of CDs, sissies and T-gurls. We fall into 3 broad categories: (a) those who derive deep sexual satisfaction from the fantasy of being a girl; (b) those that derive satisfaction simply from serving and find adopting the feminine role as the surest way of achieving this; and (c) those that sincerely want a strong Master to take them and forcibly strip away every last bit of hated masculinity they have - to create in their gurls the living, breathing, obedient embodiments of their sexual ideals. Anyone who has - even briefly - been in the 3rd category knows that it is the "Pandora's Box" of desires. Once a strong man has taken you and has worked to make you his woman - once he has held the mirror up and forced you to see the feminine face staring back at you - everything else will never be enough. The need to complete the journey, to become what you see you are capable of becoming is all you know. I write these thoughts because there are always Dominants out there who DO understand that only a very small percentage of we gurls are truly willing and psychologically capable of submitting completely to their Master's will and desire. When possessing this knowledge, the Dominant Master needs to understand that what he possesses when he has one of these 3rd type gurls is real and if he seeks to own and control her, to mold her to his desires, then his desires must themselves be rooted in the realistic. Not so terribly long ago I was - if I am allowed to be a little bit vain - quite pretty and quite feminine. I had a small waist, nice hips/butt and the beginnings of breasts. I had a strong Master who didn't give a damn about what I wanted and only cared about making me into what he wanted. He succeeded and it was brutal at times - but when he had finished, I couldn't have been happier or more devoted. I was his creation fully and I belonged to him as a result. He was a hard Master but also a reasonable one. He broke me down piece by piece and he put me back together piece by piece - while tossing away the pieces he didn't like or have use for. ::laughs:: now where all of this is heading is that I had a conversation with a Dom recently where he wanted me to upend my entire life and accept 24/7 servitude. My reaction? I've done it before so I know it's in me to do it again. He also had a laundry list of required body modifications ranging from castration and breast augmentation (no complaints here) to complete extraction of all teeth (since it apparently enhances his oral pleasure. I can understand the logic, but.....ouch). Then the icing on this cake. He has only a limited income, so I would need to pay for it myself. (Believe it or not, while I am like any gurl in hoping my Master can contribute, this wouldn't be a deal breaking moment for me). Then the candles stuck on top of the icing. I had to accomplish ALL of these things within only a couple of weeks or I would be, in his eyes, insincere. Reality. A harsh Mistress that some just refuse to bow down before. ::laughs:: goodness gracious.

I was speaking to a Dom today who said something that -to me- was remarkable in its perceptiveness.  The conversation was about how there are so many CDs who are less than remarkable in their appearance - and far, far from the photo-shopped beauties you can find in any random search when you type in "feminized sissy".  Anyway, what he said was that "inside of every unattractive CD there is a pretty t-gurl waiting to be discovered" and that the difference between the two often is a Dom who is unwilling to settle for a lazy CD and who does whatever it takes to tear out the ugly and the muscle and the weight and the maleness - leaving only behind what he wanted. Very interesting.

I see so many profiles where men are looking for "the complete package" type sissy or t-girl. That's nice and understandable but also a bit unrealistic. It isn't that those type girls don't exist, it's just that they usually need to be made. After all, a girl who's ready to be featured in magazines is going to be in so much demand that you've a better chance of visiting Mars then getting her attention. Michelangelo always said that he found his statues within the marble and all he did was chip away what didn't belong. I really love that because it describes perfectly the perfect Master/T-girl situation. I had a master once who knew what HE wanted, didn't care what I wanted and began to chisel away my masculinity. When he started I weighed a whopping 280 pounds (::laughs:: trust me, I never want to get back to that) but he saw I had a pretty face and potential. He caged me and collared me, shackled me and bound me and for 9 months my diet consisted of sperm in the morning, soup at lunch and sperm at night. Not only did the weight melt off, but I was so completely desperate for sustenance that I was quickly reduced to lapping stray droplets of cum off the floor. Perfect t-girls DO exist. But it takes the man who wants one to break what they were to mold them into what he wants them to be.

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