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catchmeyet

		Back		Interests



	i have been here since 2009 and have not found that One for me, so i thought a little rewrite might be in order. My profile contained a lot of me, i , myself blah blah blah, so that it read like those “subs” who make a list a mile long of what You must do to own them. That’s not who i am or wish to be grouped with. So i will tell You about me and maybe that will make more sense. i am a submissive girl, with a slave heart. i do believe in limits and the word NO when i first meet someone. As the relationship progresses between Him and i, my limits fall away, the want to say No falls away. If i love someone i never want to tell Him NO, even if He is a vanilla. It’s who i am. i love with all i am, all i have, all i can give. i was lucky enough to have that before and wish and pray i can again. But i do ask for something in return for all i offer. i want His heart, His love, His guidance, His power, His control. i don’t think that’s a whole lot to ask in return for all of me, is it? So i am more then just that girl. i am a sports nut, generally watch more sports then a lot of guys i know. i am a lover of most things, without rules i will try to rescue every animal i see. i am kind and gentle, :). i am the girl next door, i am the girl you pass on the street, i am not a model, i am me, but i am the woman who will do anything i can in life to help You, please You, serve YOU.

Do you ever just want to toss your hands in the air and be like i tried it didnt work i give up? i think i might be there.

i have been told a million times, that looking for love in this lifestyle isnt a smart idea. Not saying that there are not couples out there who do not love each other more then life. But that most people you meet in this lifestyle do not place the importance on love that i do. And i get that. i get that i differ from a lot of people because of that. i live my whole life from my heart. i run on emotions. i love You i give You my all. i have no feelings for You getting me to follow an order is like beating a dead horse.

i dont know how else to say it. It says it all over my profile, my journal, if You talk to me.

Maybe its just a really bad day or week because of the stupid holiday, i dunno, but i wanna toss my hands up and cry.

So i have never been one who is into tattoo’s butiI think i want one, well actually two. But they go together.

First one on my left wrist for many reasons, starting with the left being the side of the heart. i want “Ms”. First for vanilla reasons my initials are Ms, and being me is who I draw my strength from. The M is the professional side of me, the side that is strong and takes charge. The s is the real me, the submissive, the caring one, the loving one. Which just makes it a bonus to have that hidden meaning. Because if anyone who knows what Ms really means see’s it they will see the person most people over look.

The second, i want on my right wrist “the tie that binds”. Again double meaning. It is something my mother has said to me my whole life, family is the tie that binds. So when anyone who knows my family see’s it that is what they would think it means. But again if You are lifestyle and put it with the MS on the left wrist You see “Ms the tie that binds”.

These aren’t tattoos i want to get for anyone else. To me tattoos are private. i have one other one i got at 14 (yes i know i was a mild wild child) that i kept hidden until 18, because it is on my hip and even a bathing suit keeps it covered. So why place these on my wrist, because i want to be able every day see it and remember who and what i am and its ok. i know on the wrist may not be the most professional looking spot to pick but, i figure between a well-placed bracelet and watch or some minor makeup it can be covered.

i don’t know something i have been thinking about.

Never make someone a priority when you're only an option

So i found this on a profile the other day and again it is one of those quotes that really hit home. So with permission i borrowed it and again am writing what i took from it.

i have spent my whole life doing that. Making people around me a priority when i am only an option. i want to be more then just an option. i want to be His priority. i can go both ways on this on how unsubmissive it is and how true it is. So i will leave it as that, and say thank You for reading and feel free to ask the rest.

You have to be the person that the person you are looking for, is looking for.

i noticed this on a profile and after asking permission; was granted permission to use it in this journal entry.

i keep looking at that statement and it kinds goes with that i have been feeling late. i have not made myself the best that i can be. In my head i was a blank canvas going to my Master for Him to paint me the way He wished. So what if i was a few pounds overweight, or out of shape. He would take me and make me what He wished. i have realized lately that is a selfish way of looking. i should be pushing myself to become the best i can be. i should be keeping myself fit, learning new ways to be pleasing, and just generally making myself become a prize for Him.

So i have started doing just that. i have started a new healthy eating plan, started working out, started taking yoga. i have started pricing out the classes i wish to take, such as: a few different cooking classes, a yoga class, a strip class(pole and lap dance). i have again started putting thought into the way my hair is done daily, getting my pedicures, and keeping everything involved with me neat and tidy. It wont be an overnight thing but then again it didn’t get bad overnight either. So wish me luck, and any advice is welcomed.

Do you ever have one of those i feel like i am doing nothing right kinda days? That's me today. And its my own fault, i have gotten into my own head. i cant be perfect to all, there are only two people i need to be perfect for, myself and one day that One who steals my heart and captures me as His own. i need to learn to forget everything else. Hard lesson, but benefical in the long run. See sometimes good things do come out of randomness on CM. i have to remember even though i am submissive i am still a strong woman, and its ok. i can take care of me, stick up for me, and still be polite and even submissive in nature, just not a doormat people get to make feel bad. WOOOHOO go me and randomly learning more about me.

A Saturday night spent home alone, curled in bed watching bad movies, thinking. See recently it was pointed out to me a side of me i didn't realize i had nor wished to embrace. i have never been into age play as a kink so where did this little innocent girl who wants a Man to protect and care and love and use me all at once. How do i wrap my head around a part of me that i never fully understood.

So I got this brilliant idea about a year ago about how since I couldnt find a Dom for me I could handle a vanilla relationship. Because as long as he loved me I could find a way without him knowing it of submitting to him. PSHHHHH yea that worked sooooo well. So now I am nursing yet another broken hard that I set myself up to have :( and trying to untangle my life again. The really bad part is I hurt someone else because going in I knew it wouldnt last it wouldnt be enough but I wanted it so badly. So thats my life right now, enter at your own risk. But it proved one thing to me. Yes a broken heart sucks, but trying to live a life that isnt me, ie. nilla, will never work and always end in heartbreak. So onward and upward to find Him, the one who loves me as much as I love him, who will know how to own my heart my soul and my body.

Yep emotional masochist. i think we really need to add this term to the list of words to describe submissive’s. i generally hate pain, bring a whip or a flogger out and i run like a little girl, tears and all. Bring out something that will tug on the heart strings a little bit and hurt my feelings im like ooohhhh more please. What is wrong with me???? i know it will hurt yet i stay . i dont rip off the bandaid on my heart because doing that will hurt others, so i suffer in silence. Yes even emotionally i put everyone else before me. You read everywhere about damaged subs. Do You count this as damage? I dont believe i am. i just believe in putting someone elses pleasure before my own until im beat. Wow this is coming out all wrong. i wish this all made more sense. Aghhhhh never leave a subbie alone with her thoughts.

If it gets bad it just goes worse. I have been having issues with my roommate, alot lately. And tonight me and my other roommate walked into the door with her waiting with a 15 minute personal attack on me about how I am to loud to have any real friends, no one in my life likes me, and I dont deserve to have friends. Which hurt because these are all weakness I deal with, and have shared with her when we were friends. You tell your friends your fears, thinking they have your back, not that they are some day going to use those fears against you. And whats really bad is I almost believed her when she said them. See its things my family has told me my whole life. I am to loud, to much to handle. And I remember my mother used to tell me, if one person told you something take it with a grain of salt, if two or more people told you something you might want to believe it. So if my family has been telling me that, and then she did, maybe it was true. But its not. Yes I am loud, when I am having fun, why not express my enjoyment. But she only said it because she knew it would hurt me. Who knew my roomie was a sadist. And me who hates pain but loves to hurt myself emtionally ate it right up. Yep I must be an emotional masochist. New term there, ya like it? So what do I do? I need help, I need guidance. See this is the bad part of being a single subbie. No freaking clue how to make things better but ways to make it worse.

Have you just ever had a day where you wish someone would come along and make it better? Im having that day. I want to be wrapped in someones arms and told that its going to be ok. I had a minor issue a tiny flat tire. Tiny bit annoying fine, not having my tools in my car ok now Im starting to have an issue. So I call my dad, who laughs at me. His little girl is stuck beside the road in a rainstorm and hes laughing. Awesome there come the tears. The idiots driving by on the interstate who didnt stop but honked and yelled stuff at a single white female sitting on the side of the road with a flat in the rain. That was the full on break down.
Now I want someones arms to crawl into to be safe to know its all ok. I dont have to take care of myself all the time. I can and I have taken care of myself. But just once I want my knight on a white horse to ride in and save me.

im having a hard time with the heartbreaks i keep stumbling into, finding my submissive side. It kinda hides when my heart is hurt. So a very dear friend of mine is going to help me find my switchy side. i have always said i enjoy seeing a subbie cry, yep i hate pain but love to inflict it. First lesson, bondage. See i fully admit i am a rope whore. Tie me up and im so beyond subspace. So i want to see what the other side of the rope feels like. To be the one doing the tieing. So a weekend very soon i am headed to tampa to tie some poor sweet girl up. Sounds fun right :)

Whats proper protocol? When a Dom stops speaking to the girl He has under consideration, when is she released? Should she ask polietly? Or is His not returning a call or text a signal that He is done and i am free?

Its amazing how certain things effect us. Something that to you would seem so small yet, it would have me break completely down. Hate breaking down, hate crying, hate that i give THAT power over me. Dont like pain but would rather take a beating, then show someone this weakness in me.

i wish i could handle my insecurities, or atleast explain them. Because they beat me down every day. i walk around completely sure
i am unworthy of any attention, negative or positive. im told i am pretty, and sweet, and loving, and strive so hard to be perfect
that i am an amazing girl and more so with time will make an amazing slave. my issue is that i am so completely unsure of that. i
have spent my whole life hearing im to much, i need to much, and want to much to be good for anything. That is so beaten into my
head that im pretty sure its true. i used to think, i wasnt damaged goods, because give me a nilla guy and none of these issues,
but to be honest thats mainly because, at the end of the day i dont trust them to love me enough. But put me anywhere near a
D/s relationship and i doubt i can even speak properly. i want to impress so much, that i spend 99% freaking myself out. i hear
"good girl" and i adore it but i dont believe it. i tell myself that while what i did was "good" it should have been great or in
some cases better then great. im working on it, have faith in me please. Please dont give up on me for this flaw. i promise some
day You will want back these days when i was so unsure of myself to be anything less then too much.

How do i explain what goes on in my head? How i want to be near You more then i want to breath? You tell me i cant want You to much, i cant need You to much. How do i tell You when i dont hear from You for even an hour all the evil things that go on in my head? That its all fake? Its not real. You dont really want me but i will be fun to pass the time with. That im not good enough, Youll find someone better. i hate being this weak and needing. Its not me. i am the girl who can submit because she loves someone but doesnt need to submit. Yet i cant get You out of my head. my phone rings and i jump thinking its You. i hold my breath when i log in, hoping You are on to say hi. Help me understand where this silliness comes from. ive never been this silly school girl, why am i now? What have You done to me???????

The problem of submitting from the heart is you dont get to choose when to stop. You dont get to be mad and decide your dont belonging to someOne. You dont get to stop wanting to be there just because They dont want you anymore. You dont stop trying to prove that you are what they want you to be. You have to wait until Your heart realizes it over.

i just wanted You to love me. Tell me not to go to stay and be Yours.

Do you ever feel stupid? Like get your hopes up over something all the time, and when it doesnt turn out or change its like a major let down. Thats the cycle im in now. i get told one thing yet see another. Over and over and over. Yet i still believe what im told. Even if every other things screams dont trust dont believe. Its no different. And i get my heart hurt again. The good part is im starting to expect it to hurt. i know its coming.

i keep hoping that someday im going to wake up and Your going to be back here, with me at Your side the way it should be. i realize that its a false dream. im not who You want, im not who Your going to love and spend forever with. Thats a hard lesson.

Please dont tell me You miss me, You want me. Please dont say things You dont mean. Please let me be free.

Love is a minefield, you take a step and get blown to pieces, put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step. I guess thats human nature, it hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow-up than be single.

At what point did the human race become masochistic. When did it become the in thing to hurt yourself with a relationship you know you should walk away from? Yet we all go back, in the name of love, to someone who hurts us and not in a good way. We make excuses of why they treat us badly, we lie to ourselves that this time will be different. They will love us, they will treat us the way we deserve to be treated. We lick our wounds and go running back into the game. When do we say enough is enough?

Wow, awesome way to forget my birthday. An email would have been nice

There will be a day, when my dreams come true. When everything i have ever wanted and waited for will be real. i dont think its that time yet. And for that i nurse a heart this hurt. It will heal and i will repair it and wait for the person who i will hand it to, to take care of it. im sorry it wasnt You.

Is it weird that i draw submission from the bible?

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.—Colossians 3:18-1

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.—Titus 2:3-5

And with that i am religious? I do group therapy at church on mondays. To help me find where i lost my path with god. Tonight was hard for me. To say im mad at god and why, to try to understand forgiveness.

i forgive You.

i used to believe i was a strong person. Maybe thats what this lesson was. That im not as strong as i thought i was. Not sure if i am supposed to become stronger from this pain or learn that i dont have to be as strong when i meet someone. i have learned when its the right person or i think it is, that my submissive side is alot bigger then i thought it was. Which also means my clingy side is too.

Heart broken.

New feeling and im not sure if its good or bad and if i like it or hate it. He left yesterday for 3 weeks. He didnt even call to say goodbye. So a new loneliness mixed with im not sure whats going on. Im going to go with not the best mix of feelings.

we learn lessons every day. my lesson today has been to relaxe and good things come to those who wait. i know i have a GREAT thing, if i was smart enough to sit back and wait. i wont push, i wont beg. i will wait until He wants me. i will work on me in the mean time. Become a better slave for Him. Give Him reason to want me, to make me his.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Judy Garland

If i as a sub am willing to give everything to You is it wrong to want Your love in return? Am i wrong to ask for that?

Its funny how people change our lives. ive had a hard time lately needing someOne more then i should, even for a sub. In my needing Him ive pushed him away in alot of ways. No one likes to be that clung to, but its hard to find that line of sub clingy and psycho clingy.

i found a new bad habit in the past few days. i test people. In different ways depending on the situation and when they fail i push them away. Trying to work on that one.

i lost my heart today. Do you think He will ever give it back?

Humpty had all the kings horses and all the kings men trying to put him back together. Who puts me back together when I have a great fall?

If i gave my life to You what would You do with it? Would You cherish it? Would You take care of it? Or would You ignore it and let me wilt alone? i need Your love, You touch. i need You. i need You to want me as a sub and a woman. i need You to want me as a friend. i want to be the one You talk to at the end of a bad day. The one to make You smile, the one to wipe away Your tears, the one to whipser "i love You Master". Will You be that one? Or should i run away now?

Someday You will love me. Someday You will want to keep me as much as i want to be kept. ill just wait for someday.

I fell at Hello. When its meant to be its meant to be.