casolarphoenix

Went to a sweat on the 8th down on the res at the Palace Casino.  My tuck made it almost all the way, then just quit.  Me and Sandy walked to the lodge, and when we arrived the brothers went and towed my truck in.  Sy worked on it while I went into my first sweat.  The brothers and Uncle Mike threw in 100$ for a new alternator, gas, and battery to get me and Sandy home. 

Never had so manyy people do so much for me.

The sweat itself was an awesome experience.  I didn't know the body could lose so much water so fast, and still function.

We prayed and sang and sweated and prayed and sang and sweated some more, and just when I thought I would break down and ask to leave it was done, and crawling out the lodge into the dusk of the day felt like first man entering the world at dawn.  I felt renewed...

Now unbeknowest to me is that when we get back to Fresno  Sandy's dog, which is very old had a heart attack, and the next morning she calls me very upset, and blames my youngest son, and then later my oldest son too...(my daughter was still there visiting her daughter)...My truck was dead again and towed to the shop, so I call my friend Daniel and he takes me and the boys to get my daughter 'cause my boss is supposed to pick us all up early in the morning.
So, the next day JC comes to get us, I take 50$ to Sandy for her daughters birthday and to check on her, she apologizes for blaming the boys and seemed to be her rational self that I know and love, just tired. 

To the mountain we go...

Lots of work...kids not real comfortable with there freedom, and still clinging to my hip...read some very interesting books, my favorite being "Don't think of an elephant", by George Lakeoff.  Good po,itical reading...Summer solstice came and I burned a fire, sang, played my guitar and let my soul dance around naked under the moon...

The truck was fixed, snagging my earnings, only to break down again a day later, smiles, o well...but I've received so many other gifts from this job, smiles...

School starts tomorrow, and my household is in some order, groceries are bought and things mostly in there place...

Peace

It's been a long time since I've written in this journal...last night I get a phone call from Jonah last night saying that he is going to NM because he was kicked out of his house.  He hit his mother in the leg with a glass sobe bottle!?  Sighs... I've never felt so deeply sad for someone, but this young man is such a fucking mess...Fractured...I go over and pick him up and keep hime for the night, only to take him to the train station this morning and see him off like he was my own son, but so twisted...I told him that he just needs to go on  journey to manhood that he can do it, but my heart really worries that he is just lost beyond redemption so to speak, and damaged a relationship with his mother beyond repair.  The interesting thing is that he's hit other females in the past, but he doesn't really have a sex life and is so young and inexperienced and I tried to tell him he needs a specific kind of relationship so he could redirect his negative energies, but he's repulsed and yet he's justified his behavior towards his mother and the other's he has lost control with, sounds insane to say the least, anyways someone is emailing me from this site and i'm hopeful to meet him for coffee soon smiles and hoping to find him a healthy sane male...is there such a thing?  I need some positive change in my life...peace out

love,

when you are in love there is nothing more glorious

sex can take you to the heights of heaven and touch god

and to the depths of hell embracing madness

wouldn't have it any other way smiles

we all search for that perfect someone
the one
who will travel with us
take the journey
perhaps to the end smiles
perhaps for just a brief encounter
who will walk with me
two steps in front
two steps behind
perhaps right by my side
smiles
hold my hand
smile at me
caress me with there eyes
sighs o my

blahblahblah
crapcrapcrap

Thank God the new years is over lol!
Ok I admit it!  It was very cathargic! is that the right word?  or is it catharsis lol
wgaf?!  Anyways,  I felt all my worries and baggage go away with the end of the year.  No more stress over wether or not my website was up and running by said deadline.  No more worring about if he loves me, if he don't lol!  (It's allright if you love me, it's all right if you don't! -- Breakdown by Tom Petty)
How about new goals, new deadlines, new dreams, new hopes, new aspirations, just new smiles!  Don't get me wrong, I like so many realize that all the new is just a remade version of the old unaccomplished, but sighs...I can't let go even though I have many many moments of just living for the moment I still crave happily ever after lol and I tell myself everyday that it will all be okay it will all work out .  Love to laugh, laugh to live, live to love. Smiles!  Like that old Irish proverb "Sing as if no one is listening, Dance as if no one is watching, and live everyday like it's your last!" lol  You know what?--It's not so bad smiles!