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what i'm really looking for right now is a teacher. i'm so curious about the BDSM world. i got started in looking at it, researching it in high school. reading lesbian erotica at first i was taken aback at the idea of what i felt was violent acts of sex. but i slowly processed the passion involved, the pleasure derived. still, i didn't think it was 'for me.'
then i had a girlfriend who was more energetic, more physical than i had experienced before. things came intuitively to me, biting, scratching, fisting, restraint. i didn't think much of it for a long time. my next lover was a softer girl, one i felt i couldn't 'hurt' or be too rough with. but the online AIM conversations i had with this exgirlfriend. i realized that the blueprints were in my mind, and lying there, the desire.
such an earnest beginning. the only time i have come close to actual practice is with an ex who enjoyed being choked during sex... it enhanced her orgasms. i knew of the practice. i had researched these things. to some, my friends, this would have been difficult to do, but i did it without thought, with a laugh. i could be rough with her, i didn't care for her the way i had cared before. to me, she was... not disposible. but not someone i cared deeply for. i could hurt her. as long as she liked it.
what has been interesting to me is the evolution i have experienced. five years ago the me today would be unimaginable. i've played with the ideas of gender like a ball of clay, something i can mold to MY desires. i've played with sexuality on many levels- what do i desire? more importantly, what do i really NOT desire? i used to be a stone butch baby lesbian in training. i was to always give, never really recieve. i was to mold myself into a wannabe girly-man thing. now i could be a fag if i wanted. i would take it up the ass for the right gay boy, or from the right daddy dyke. i used to think i would never sleep with a man, that that was NOT what i desired. is that true anymore? i don't know. i find myself attracted to the idea of a transman. certainly a transman. FTM. a blend of so many interesting facets. i used to want to be a boy, growing up. now, i realize it doesn't matter. i don't need a real dick. i can imagine one. i don't have to be restricted.
i am free.
now i need to experience what i've been trying to learn. i need to apprentice. i need a teacher.
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