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oneglaive37
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i am young, and enjoying the chance to meet people and learn. Right now i am not looking for an Owner or Dominant, simply the chance to meet others in the lifestyle. i am currently in a 3 year long relationship, and it is going quite well. We are interested in adding a third male for play only.
i am looking to meet people, enjoy conversation and see what happens. i believe that every relationship is built on communication and trust, even more so in a D/s relationship.
i promise, i will take the time to respond to everything that i receive.
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i know this is going to sound a little silly, but i went to my first munch over the weekend. i've wanted to go to one for quite while now, can we say somewhere around 12 years but the first 3 i was too young, and then when i was old enough i got married and hubby didn't want to go.
So, now that the hubby is no longer, i'm free to explore and have fun. ANd exploring i'm doing, meeting new people i'm doing and well the fun will happenen eventually, but for now i'm enjoying meeting people and learning what is out there.
The LCMunch is so far a wonderful group of people, a little bit older than i am, but i hear there are younger ones out there. Hey, ya gotta start somewhere, who knows if i keep going the younger ones that come by will not feel so isolated. *shrugs* who knows.
And will i go to another one, it depends on when i have child care, can't really take a 3 year old to one of these things, now can you?
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I have been released from my contract today....
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As of today, my contract has been suspended. It was made by both of us. And i feel that it is the wisest course of action at this time.
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Sir,
This is me writing to you, not your slave, not your doormat, not your
pet, but me. I hope that it does not bother you that I am doing this,
because if it does, then I don't know what more I can do.
I am so lost right now I don't know what is going on anymore. When did things take a turn so far
to this direction, where the only thing between us was anger and
hostility. Where everything that I am doing pisses you off, and no
matter how hard I try to do what you are asking of, the more punishment
I seem to receive.
I am still learning and exploring the
lifestyle, figuring out what makes me tick and where I fit in all of
this. When we met and talked I fell in love with you, and the things
that you were offering me, I still want those things. When I am with
you, you make me happy, you make me feel complete, and i enjoy those
feelings.
The more I try to do what you ask the
further away I feel, and then when I try to get closer to you, you get
mad and tell me I am not obeying you. I am confused.
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Why i want to be a slave, a submissive, whatever you want to call it.
As i stated in my last entry, i love deeply and completely. i will go out of my way to make sure that my Partner/Owner/Master is happy and fulfilled. i will do whatever it takes to make sure that His needs and wants come before my own.
Before signing this contract, i entered into a relationship with Him, a relationship that was full of love and caring. One where He treated me like a lady in public, and like his slut in the bedroom. Yes, there were times where things crossed over. He would make love to me at times instead of using me, and when we would go out, He would order me to dress like a slut, and i loved it all.
i was enjoying the relationship, and we agreed to enter a contract, but i didn't think that things would change a whole lot. After all we had already been acting that way for the most part. And in a way it doesn't seem like they have changed, but in other ways it seems that it has.
Most likely i'm just being the needy slut that i know i am and misunderstanding things. He cares for me, He loves me, and i just need to get me head out of my ass, and believe Him, but i guess it is hard due to the relationship i just got out of.
i want my body to be owned by the man who already owns my heart. At this point i can only fully submit to a man whom i love. i do no think i could be in a contract with someone that i did not love and trust, they go hand in hand. Yes i can play with others for an afternoon, for a couple hours here and there, but to live this lifestyle, to completely submit it must be to the One i love, and loves me.
i just received a package in the mail today, my 5 piece locking restraint set, and the flogger. The purple and black together is amazing, and the smell... i've fallen in love with leather now. i can't wait until next weekend when He is here, and i get to use them for the first time. It is going to be an event to remember. *drools*
in a way i hope this explains why i've decided to become what i am.
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Punishment follow up:
He wanted me to write a journal entry about how i felt about my punishment. i misunderstood the assignment, and wrote the experience, with a little bit of emotion behind it, but didn't really get into how it made me feel.
Well i think that now is a good time to really look into how punishment affects me. i am a very submissive person with my partner. This submission is not something that i can do outside of a loving intimate relationship. i need that intimacy to fully submit to Him.
i love deeply, and desire just as deeply to please my partner. i will go out of my way to make Him happy hurting myself in order to see that His pleasures and desires are fulfilled. i am easily hurt, scared, and confused. i am insecure and border on clingy. For these reason, punishment hits me hard.
i can be reprimanded by simplest of things; a harsh look, a stern voice, turning your back on me, they all work wonders. But when you want to delve into the depths of my soul, ignore me, push me away, and you will cause pain and hurt beyond understanding.
Physical punishment is one thing, i'm learning that i can handle it, it hurts yeah, but knowing that i've displeased Him tares me up inside. But if you really want to punish me, isolate me, ignore me, cut me off from you, that type of punishment cuts to the quick.
This last weekend, i was physically punished, i was fisted and then took 20 swats with a belt. But that wasn't the real punishment to me. That wasnt' what caused me to learn my lesson.
The real punishment was the time leading up to it where i knew i had displeased Him, and was waiting for Him to arrive at our house and administer said punishment. The real punishment was the mental aspect of it.Seeing His face that night. Hearing in His voice. Knowing how displeased He was. That is what killed me.
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Punishment Two:
"When I call you to tell you I am on 53, you are to go into your bedroom, insert the anal beeds, and continue with making My dinner. When I call to tell you that I am almost there, you will go into the bedroom, spread out your toys, strip naked, and lay on the bed spread eagle face down, understand"
"Yes Master, i do"
"Good"
Friday night was the time set aside for me to receive my punishment. By the time 9:00 pm rolled around that night, i had increased my swats to 43, was scared, nervous, and laying on the bed naked spread eagle face down. The swats that i received from His belt last weekend were enough of a reminder to know that i was not going to enjoy this welcome home.
i heard the door open, heard Him lay His things down in the bedroom and use the bathroom before speaking to me.
"I said, face up"
Turning over looking at Him for the first time made my stomach turn, His usual happy face was stern and angry. He sat down on the bed between my legs, spread them even wider and pushed my feet up towards my ass. Stroking my inner thighs, He said to me,
"Close your eyes, and keep them shut"
Doing as i was told, i felt His finger tips press against my pussy. It was already wet, and needed no lubrication. i felt the pressure and then the burn as His fingers pressed further inside of me, first one finger, and then two, three, and at that point i cried out. i knew what He was doing and it scared me. It hurt, it burned, i didn't think i could do this. Yet here i was, laying there, and He was asking me to do this. Not asking, telling me to do it.
"Pet, open your eyes, look at me. Relax. Breath. Do not hyperventilate. Concentrate on your breathing"
It was impossible, there was the burning sensation, the tearing feeling, the fear of what was happening. He was trying to force his whole hand inside of me. In my mind i was screaming, "It hurts! i can't do this, it won't fit. Why is he making me do this? "
"No Sir, i can't do it. It hurts.. i'm scared"
"Do you trust Me?"
Such a simple question, not a simple answer. i do trust him, but i was scared. For a minute everything went silent. The screaming in my head disappeared. He kept up a constant pressure, while looking into my eyes.
"Yes"
"I'm almost in, relax! Concentrate on your breathing, you are doing so good pet. Now close your eyes again, and don't forget to relax."
The burning that time lasted such a short time, i cried out once more, as the last bump of His thumb slipped into me.
"No Sir, i can't do it, You have to stop, it hurts, i'm scared"
"pet, I'm in. you can open your eyes now"
It was over. As i reached down, and felt His wrist at the opening of my pussy i almost cried. i looked into His face, His eyes had softened, and He was smiling. i had done it.
"Pet, you know what?
"What?"
"you just reduced your punishment down to 20 swats with My belt"
"Why"
"Because you trusted Me, because you did something that scared you, and didn't call Red"
....When he finally slid his hand out of me i was shaking, i was almost laughing. i had done it. The twenty swats came shortly after He had cleaned up, and i had time to relax. With the ball gag in my mouth, my hands under my thighs and my hips on the edge of the bed i received the first 10 swats. Not heavy enough to really mark, but heavy enough that i remained biting the ball the whole time.
"Reach your hands down and spread your ass cheeks for me"
He inserted the inflatable anal plug, and blew it up until i squeaked, not much else can be down with a gag in your mouth. The second set of ten hurt more. His hand was a little heavier, and each swat seemed to land where another had already hit. i was proud of myself i was able to keep from screaming out on all but the last swat.
The last swat hit hardest and true, right on the underside of my ass, closes to the thighs. His aim was dead on. That last one ripped a scream from my lips. When i was finally told to, i sat up, lifted my head to look up at Him, and a drop of saliva trailed down my chin and onto my bare chest. (one can not help but drool with a ball gag in)
"Will you argue with me again pet?"
i shook my head.
"Will you remember the correct way to address Myself and other Dominants or submissive you talk to?"
i nodded my head
"Then your punishment is complete."
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Punishment: We all have to deal with it at one time or another. Well it looks like mine has come.
This weekend i will be receiving 20 swats on the ass by His leather belt, half of those will be taken with a inflatable plug up my ass. i will be wearing a ball gag to silence my moans, and will not be taking if off unless i am eating or He has other uses for my mouth.
We have been working on discipline lately, and it seems that i have a lot to learn. The lesson was simple, Caps when it relates to Him lower case when it relates to me. Simple huh.
Well it isn't. For each time that i mess up, my punishment is one swats with His leather belt. How is it in the first week i earned 20 swats? The other 20 was earned by not taking my shower first thing in the morning.
i received half of those swats last weekend, and earned another 20 this week, by arguing and continuing to forget my capitalization. When will i learn that His word is law, His orders are my rules.
But i know that i am loved, and He is doing this to make me a better slave for Him, i only hope that my ass isn't beaten raw before i learn.
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On contracts, each one is different. Each one has rules and specifications that are different from the ones before them. Sometimes the rules on one contract seem to be the opposite of another.
Case and point. Today i wanted to request something from my owner. But when i did so, i was informed that since it was something that important that it needed to be a formal request. Now I have done those before, so it seemed to me like a simple thing to do.
I knelt at his feet, bowed my head and placed my hands behind my back and waited for his acknowledgement. After a few minutes he asked me "What are you waiting for?" I looked up at him kind of confused and simply stated, "You to acknowledge me Sir"
He got annoyed at me and told me to go re read my contract. I did, and no where did it state that i was to wait for him to address me before stating my request.
So i have learned this, when starting down the path to D/s do not try to learn everything, but learn instead to be prepared for anything. Each person does things a different way and we need to learn to learn. To do things differently for each person and do our best to remember what each wants.
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For some reason i decided today that a journal might be a good thing to start. On October 3rd of this year i signed a 6 month contract with my Master. It was not something that i entered lightly, and we had spent quite a few weeks talking about it, and making sure that it was something that i could handle. Not that it was something i wanted, as i already knew that i did.
I read over the contract, re read it, and spent quite some time making sure that the rules and regulations were not onerous. (Yes, vocabulary is something that is part of my training)
As with every relationship there are going to be the ups and downs, it is how they are handled that show the strength of the relationship. Distance is a major factor here, as we live almost 2 hours apart. Weekends are our safe haven and the phone keeps us connected as much as possible.
Two weeks into this arrangement has already seen my punishments for not going to bed on time, or showering before a morning greeting. My language skills have been honed, and sharpened, and respect is now something that i do not leave out of many of our conversations.
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| Age: 48 |
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Pennsylvania |
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