brat2Bbroken

Race and Raceplay

As far back as I can remember, I've always been cognizant of my race. I remember that despite how over protective my parents always were, whenever we went through Cullman, Alabama and stopped to eat, I couldn’t go to the buffet alone or even go to the bathroom until we got out of the town. I remember how for the longest time, even now, I’ve always been aware of when I am either the only or one of the few ethnic people in a room.I remember in elementary school, middle school, and high school, my teachers telling me that I was going to go far because not only am I smart, but I’m a black female too. I remember when my sister was ready to go out with her friends for the day but when the girls came by to get her, the chick driving the car told my sister that her parents didn’t allow black people in the car; I remember how devastated my sister was for days after that. I even remember being 15 years old with my 3 and 4 year old nieces and my 10 year old cousin, walking around the Gap when some lady comes up to me and tells me how beautiful all my children are.
 
It’s been my experience that race is one of those things that almost everyone is painfully aware, or at least that’s been my experience in the south. It’s like this invisible line that we walk on trying to make sure that we cross no boundaries and cause no big fuss. And yet at the same time we all cross that line at one point or another, sometimes in the most ignorant and foolish of ways. I’m not saying everyone is a racist. I’m saying that the idea of race, racism and respect have become so convoluted over the years due to the past abuse of races that its almost impossible these days to navigate the waters of what is acceptable and what is not. This is an issue that greatly bothers me and perhaps that’s why I find that race is a large part of who I am. I am more than the color of my skin, don’t get me wrong, but upon growing up in an environment where race is a factor in almost everything (albeit most times not a huge one) an ethnic culture starts to build. That ethnic culture is born of experiences that really drive home the differences, from the socioeconomically based difference that’s somewhat built in to the culture within the culture (the food, the dance, the history, the soul of a people.)

Being “black” is a part of who I am, yet not all that I am and not the largest defining point of me either. So many times though, with the reminders constantly there (from black people telling me that I don’t act black, to my parents telling me that they took home the wrong baby and that I’m so “different” from the culture, to people outside the culture who act surprised by how I’m so different from what they expect by the color of my skin) my race is pushed in front of my face. I think maybe that’s why I like raceplay. When I go into a raceplay mindset, I get to take something that I can not control in every day life and control it. Raceplay allows me to stop fighting the deeply ingrained stereotypes and stop working so hard to prove people wrong. I get to use them for my own benefit; I get to make these things work for me. By using these chains that I feel like I walk with on a daily basis in a scene I get to free myself. I become an “n” word, a black slave, a toy for the use of a “white man” and I can do this because I know it’s not true. It’s a farce, a mockery used simply for humiliation and degradation. A mindset that I go into to spiral deep down into my pool of emotional masochism, to revel in letting go of what others may think of me, and to become nothing—a weightless, useless nothing with no expectations, no crowd of people to feel like the only one in, no one pointing fingers and telling me I don’t act this enough. I am nothing but what the person in charge wants me to be.

I’ve struggled on and off with my love for raceplay these last few years. It seems like such a wrong thing to do, to allow these slurs that have downtrodden a people for centuries and this ideology that has killed so many of a people… it’s odd to become aroused by these things. But over time I’ve stopped guilt tripping myself and stopped getting upset when people get upset with me for liking it. I was not born inferior due to race or gender or anything else. My place is not solidified by the color of my skin. I am not an “n word” and I never will be one. I don’t believe in these things and because I do not I refuse to be held down by them or let them fly in my face only when they wish to be known. I’m okay with using the bull that has been spread for so many centuries as a tool for my pleasure. I’m happy to put it away when I am done with it and pick it back up when I need it again. Taboo-shmaboo.