Boradis

Here's an idea. I think I'll blow off some work to update my journal on this BDSM dating site. Brilliant.

Why am I even here, really? I almost got together with a very fun and kinky-seeming young lady I met on here a few weeks ago, but things didn't quite gel for one reason or another. I thought it was really unfortunate since she was exactly the kind of person I was looking for. Sadly though, it wasn't too surprising since chemistry is so difficult to predict let alone manage.

In ye olde days of the mid-90s it seemed to be a lot simpler. I met friends and playmates both local and long-distance easily using the ancient art of "good manners." I've talked about this before and, while politeness still seems to be in short supply, it sometimes seems to be less-valued.

I wonder if that's not because of the prevalence and perceived importance of profiles.

I suspect that many people, men and women, look at profile comparisons as end-all, be-all checklists which conclusively confirm compatibility. Note: I wasn't even trying to be alliterative there.

Maybe that's why I always preferred the immediacy of chat over comparing of profiles. All I have to do is be myself and try to hold a fun conversation with someone I already know has an interest in BDSM. Then when stuff gets "profiley" we both already have a personality to connect it with. And for myself and the type of people I like, personality is paramount.

I'm not going to lie, when I talk to someone I am both being myself and adjusting what I say to sync with them. Everyone does this. But when creating a profile you're basically "cold calling" a prospective friend, playmate, or significant other. So you only have three choices.

1. Highlight one specific aspect of your personality and hope that a person who is looking for precisely that finds it.
2. Try as best you can to cover all aspects of who you are and what you like, despite the fact it can make you look wishy-washy.
3. Assume a popular persona that you have at least some affinity for and become it to the best of your ability.

I've chosen #2 as being the most honest, but I've gotten responses from people with whom I have a lot in common who told me I wasn't a "real" [insert role here] because I didn't only talk about that. Even though the idea that someone can know who or what someone "is" from a few e-mails is absurd.

So what is my point ... aside from the fact that I'm hot and awesome and women with similar kinks should drop me a line? ;-)

No, joking aside, my real point is what Walt Whitman said a lot better than I ever could.

"I am large. I contain multitudes."

As do you. And you can only see compatibility when your multitude gets to know theirs. And you can't do that from a simple profile.

I'm not a pic trader: I'll never ask you to send me something. And I only share G-rated photos.

I'm not a time waster or a fake: I want to meet someone in reality, not keep it to chat or e-mail.

I'm not making conquests: I'm looking for a person I can stay connected to, maybe get serious with.

I'm not looking for something on the side: Feel free to test me on this however you want.

Friendship and chances

Back in 2000 I had just moved to NYC from the midwest and one thing I learned early on was how tough dating can be here regardless of whether or not you make kink a priority.

After about six months I was very lucky to make friends with a lady I'll call "Pam." We first met online and, while she wasn't into BDSM, she was certainly a free-spirited hedonist which is one of the things I really enjoy. The thing is I would never have known how cool she was if we hadn't… well, here's what happened.

After we'd spoken online a bit it turned out we lived extremely close to each other, no more than three Manhattan blocks, or basically a 10 minute walk. Since we liked the way each other looked and thought she asked me to come over for a visit.

It was a disaster. Things started off politely enough as we tried to size each other up (trying to figure out whether the other person was stable or crazy), but then an innocent question about international politics turned heated and then angry.

Looking back on it now I think the nervousness caused by sexual tension and our rational need for restraint on a first meeting overloaded our buffers and made us both overly sensitive. We both got our feelings hurt, I was asked to leave, and I gladly stormed out of there.

Of course after I'd cooled off I realized how stupid the whole thing had been. While I did actually disagree with her about one point of foreign policy, so what? I don't agree with anyone about everything. But I also knew she was emotionally closer to the subject than I was, so I didn't know how to proceed or if I should. For all I knew I may as well have just kicked her dog.

It's been quite a while so I'm not sure who contacted who next, but when we did we had a bit of a laugh over it and realized that it was irrelevant to the reason we'd wanted to get to know each other. And while part of the reason the politics thing had bothered her so much is that she worked in the field, she still found me likable enough to overlook that. The downside is that it meant we couldn't be a couple, but it didn't mean we couldn't be friends who shared a mutual fondness for fucking.

She soon invited me over again and, instead of sitting down to debate global affairs, she just dropped to her knees, unzipped my fly, and started sucking me the moment I walked in. The door hadn't even fully closed as I leaned back to steady myself, and I think it slammed loudly enough for all her neighbors to hear.

This turned into a wonderful year-long routine, and we turned the "using each other for sex" thing into a way to make our visits even hotter. I worked about 10 minutes in the other direction from her apartment, so it was still a short walk to her place after work. Once or twice a week I'd call her after I left the office and bluntly tell her I wanted to "use" or "borrow" her. Sometimes she'd call me or leave voice mails.

One early summer weekend I called to say I wanted some pussy, but she said she was busy watching Wimbledon. I said that sounded fun too, and pointed out she'd still be able to see the TV if she was on the bed with her ass in the air. I could almost hear her grin as she agreed (I think she took it as a challenge) and soon I was over there doing my best to completely distract her from the game. She held out for quite a while which was nice in itself, but it was even hotter when her focus crumbled as she buried her face in a pillow and clutched at the sheets. I didn't apologize.

Another time I had just arrived and was lying on the bed while she was sucking me hard when my phone rang. One of my staff was in the middle of a big project and I'd told him he could call at any time, so I had to take it. Grabbing my pants off the floor I dug my phone out, climbed back up on the bed, smiled at her and pointed back at my cock. She grinned and went back to sucking as I answered it.

Turned out it was quite a big issue he needed help with and it took more time and more of my concentration than I had expected. But as I was starting to regret answering it I noticed she wasn't being as quiet as she had been. She was making the sexy little noises that meant I was teasing her a bit too much, and then she started doing her best to distract me by sucking harder and deeper. Her eyes she made it clear that serving my cock while I was otherwise busy was driving her up the wall. She didn't stop though, and instead she started to rub herself between the legs.

I apologized with a look because I really couldn't hang up yet … though I admit I was enjoying what it was doing to her. Ok, if I'm being honest, I didn't hang up quite as soon as I could have, and let the conversation have a couple of false stops before actually pressing the "end" button.

Once I did though, holy cow. I think she swore at me as she let go of my dick, unceremoniously shoved a condom onto me, climbed on and pushed her sopping pussy down on me in one pump. She leaned back and reached back to brace herself by holding on to my legs, and started grinding herself hard on my lap. When I reached up to guide her hips she slapped my hand away and went back to fucking how she wanted.

That time I did start to apologize, but she just told me to shut up and went back to making herself cum. Considering the show I was getting I wasn't really sorry anyhow.

Anyhow, eventually she had to move for work and we lost touch after another year. That was over a decade ago now, and while I did drop her an e-mail a couple of times since I never heard from her again. I'd love to hear from her again if only to catch up. I hope she's happy wherever she is.

At any rate, we wouldn't have gotten to know each other, been friends and had this fun if we hadn't given each other a chance after that disastrous first meeting. It's often hard to realize or admit when you're not acting the way you really feel, but when you do you shouldn't let pride or embarrassment get in the way of mending bridges.

2/16/13

Back when AOL was the main way people got online I was hanging out with a female friend while she used her account. Within 10 minutes she was bombarded with at least a dozen obnoxious and/or vulgar IMs from complete strangers, and the barrage didn't stop until she signed off.

It taught me a valuable lesson (too many guys are complete idiots), and I decided I'd always be a gentleman first and foremost.

Why are those guys like that? I think some of it is an attempt at the "shotgun approach," except that instead of firing little Cupids' arrows they're using something nastier for ammunition. As to why they pick such disgusting ammo, I think that's partially explained by "The Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory."

It goes like this:

Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = Total Fuckwad

Here's a link to the cartoon that gave it its name:

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/03/19

Scholars call it the "Online disinhibition effect," explained here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_disinhibition_effect

Basically what that name means is "being online lowers people's inhibitions." And there's something else we all know of that lowers inhibitions: alcohol.

If you've ever been drunk enough to act out of character, still remember it, and are honest with yourself, I think you'll remember that the things you did were impulses that you normally controlled. In other words, your subconscious was freed to act as it pleased.

When one has a "pleasant buzz" going you may find it easier to approach someone attractive or try new things in general. When it goes too far though you may wind up kissing complete strangers or starting arguments over nothing. It seems to me that the more your inhibitions are lowered, the worse the released impulses are. But they are all still things one emotionally wants to do on some level, even if you know it's wrong.

So what does this say about guys who text "show tits bitch" to introduce themselves? First it shows they can't handle their Internet "liquor." Second, I think it shows they have their assertive desires mixed up with aggression and can only inhibit one by inhibiting both.

Otherwise, why would you try to offend someone you want to be friendly to you?