blueyeddreamer

I have been thinking this morning and I mean, as much as it will suck, I have come to a major conclusion about my life right now and that is as follows:

I am done looking for a Dom for right now...there are a few goals/issues I need to work out before I would be able to fully give myself to a person anyways, so I need to spend the next few months working on me. I have some health, I wouldn't call them problems because they aren't life threatening, but issues that I want to take care of first.

* PCOS

* my weight

plus my financial situation isn't all that great right now, as well as wanting to finish up my education. 

If I happen to meet someone who really knocks me off my feet, than so be it...but for now, I need to be happy with myself before I can truly be happy with someone else. 

here is something i don't understand....

i have a lot of guys sit there and compliment me and say i'm really attractive or that i have a nice body or whatever....but then i'm still single and unowned....

someone please explain this to me lol cause i don't get it

Ich suche dich hinter dem Licht
Wo bist du
So allein will ich nicht sein
Wo bist du
Ich such dich unter jedem Stein
Wo bist du
Ich schlaf mit einem Messer ein

Wo bist du

does anyone have the John Norman series that I can borrow??? I promsie I'll return it! =)

Update: I have decided that since I am having such rotten luck finding a Dom for a LTR, that until that time, I am more than willing for play sessions with any interested Doms....race is not an issue, but age, I would still prefer 45 or younger. =) Please read down my profile and make sure you have read over my disclaimer beforehand.

Please be advised that I do have an STD....that being said, I have never passed it on, and never plan to, and I have it under control, but realize that if you choose that you want to play unsafe...that you run the risk. =)

I still hope some of you are man enough to take a chance...I think I'm well worth it. =D

Halloween Horror Nights this weekend anyone?!?!?!?! I really, REALLY want to go this weekend!!!!

does anyone know of anything fun going on for Halloween?!?!!

I'm new the area and don't know any of the events....please message me if you know of anything....

all I have heard of is Guavaween in Ybor, but I would need a date for that as I heard there is a lot of horny van. guys there...so wouldn't mind having someone to kick some @$$ if anything got out of hand...

but let me know guys!!

So, been working both jobs now for like a week...and it's going to kill me...working 7am-9pm is not my idea of a good life...plus I honestly, never have a full day off....I would love to be able to find an office or administrative job, I really think it would be something I'm good at, and would let me still have a life....but trying to take things day by day...

...I think things would be a little easier if I had a Dom to come home to....but at this point I guess that's neither here or there as I haven't even found anyone to even half consider that seems legitimate and legitimately into me....I honestly...honestly, NEVER imaged it to be this hard...here I've been looking since 2008....and have yet to find anyone that is either into me enough, or that I think can give me what I want/need for the rest of my life....how hard can this possibly be? 

Gah it's sooo frustrating!!!!

*trying to stay positive and keep looking*

Ok so things are starting to turn around, I found a job that pays a little better than where I'm working now and I have decided that I don't give up on finding a guy...but on that same note, no one has really talked to me in awhile so maybe I'm missing something, or guys just aren't interested in me right now?

 I dunno lol but since crashing my car the other day...hopefully that was the rock bottom for me and things will start going right....trying to stay optimistic. =)

I need a new life....

I truly, honestly....give up....

follow me on twitter: X_Bailey_Lane_X

yeah I know....I gave in and got one =P

I finally thought I had broken the cycle...but no...it looks like it's turning out to be the exact way things have been going for me for awhile now...and by that I mean not making it past a first date, which seems a lot more common place for me than it should be...this really does get frustrating and then people wonder why i lose confidence in myself...kind of hard to keep it when I can't even seem to find a guy that stays interested in me for more than one date....what am i doing wrong??

Sometimes the night seems so long
When you lie in bed all alone
And tomorrow seems so far away
I don't wanna live another day this way

Scared to let someone in
Can't bear to get hurt again
But my body needs to feel a touch
Someone come and wake me up

I just want somebody to love me
I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me

Don't wanna let life pass me by
Never knowing what it's like
To be as real as real can be
To share my life and know my dreams

I just want somebody to love me
And I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me

'Cause I'm hurt and I'm scared and I'm lonely
All I want is somebody to want me
'Cause I've got so much to give

I just want somebody to love me
I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me

Is anyone on here a cop in the tampa/brandon area that can help make a ticket go away for me????

today's a bad day...fighting with the parents again....i wish i had somewhere to go, and i would totally move today...

then again..could also be that i'm just feeling lonely today too...i dunno...who can a girl feel so many emotions when guys don't lol...it's not fair

So I decided that I"m going to start looking into modeling. I have been looking on a lot of different fetish clothing sites, stuff like that, and saw some plus size girls..so we'll see how this goes I guess. I've had a few people tell me here and there that I would be good for modeling so now i'm gonna see what happens! Wish me luck!!

So my mom has been bitching that she has been spending too much money on us (her kids). Mind you, since the time we have turned 18, if we can't afford something, yes we have her pay for it, but we pay her back a little out of each paycheck until it's paid off.

I've been fighting with her a lot these past couple days and after almost getting kicked out (which I wouldn't mind if I had somewhere to go) I have come to the realization, and I truly mean this, that my  mother should never have had kids. She is too selfish to have had kids and be able to take care of them. Maybe when we were small and cute she was enthralled with the idea...but it's like a puppy, they are small and cute when young, but then they grow up, and you still have to take care of them when they are bigger and not as cute.

She has not bought groceries in oh..the past 4 or 5 years, she doesn't cook, doesn't clean, when she gets home from work, she sits on her ass for the rest of the night and makes everyone else do everything for her. Yeah, I know I"m submissive..but good god, I'm not a slave.

I honestly, if it wasn't for my dad, I would bid this fucking place adieu and hell go live on the street if I have to. But, honestly, at this point, if someone had a place for me to go, well rent free mind you, so I guess it I was a live-in sub with someone, I wouldn't give it a second thought..this is just starting to get ridiculous, I have enough stress on me as it is, but it's to the point where I don't even look forward to coming home, I dread it.

Okay, so revamped the profile, lets see how this works..the beginning of my leaf turning over lol..now the next thing is cleaning my room and going through stuff...yup.

P.S. I still really want to go on a cruise! ;)

I want to go on a cruise!!!! Someone needs to take me!!!!! lol

Decided I'm turning over a new leaf today. Let's see how this goes.

It's 5AM and I can't sleep. This is becoming a pattern that I would really like to break. I know I can't sleep well when there is a lot on my mind, but yet I've been trying to force myself to, otherwise I would never sleep at this point. I never knew how hard finding contentment could be for one person. I mean there is someone out there for everyone right? But then in the back of my mind I wonder if I had already found/had that someone...and me being an idiot, let them get away...and now I'm going to spend the rest of my life looking for something that I already had....god I hope that is not the case. It's pathetic when I'm in the middle of talking to someone, and I just pop out and say "I want to get married"...not even necessarily being directed towards them, just voicing that i want to...I dunno...maybe something is wrong with me...

ALL I WANT IS A DOM THAT I CAN BE WITH...SOMEONE WHO WANTS AN LTR WHO IS CLOSE TO MY FRIGGIN' AGE THAT LIVES NEAR ME...TAKES CARE OF HIMSELF SOMEWHAT...AND IS A GENUINELY GOOD GUY...HOW HARD IS THAT TO FIND!!! GOOD GOD!

I've decided that I've given up my search for now...It's too disheartening...maybe when I"m not looking the right person will come along....but for now....I give up...Fate:1 Me: 0...

I have had probably one of the WORST days today that I have had in awhile...which sucks, because it started off AMAZING! ....things need to get better...because I truly believe they can't get any worse....I hope...

so I have updated my profile...I have come to some conclusions about myself so have felt the need to switch some things about it...but o well i guess that's part of the process is learning about yourself and finding where you fit in your life...so where my profile states is where i fit right now...

I can't believe how hard it is to find someone that I would even want to meet to try to pursue a relationship with..and then when I do find someone...they show interest for awhile, and then...*poof* they disappear....this is so freaking frustrating...

I need to move out....

So I had to move back in with my parents, and after being here about a month I realized why I moved out...I can't get along with my mom, and since she isn't going to die anytime in the near future (although I have thought about it) I realize that I need to leave...and I don't know if by that I mean leave my family permanently, which I hate to do because I love my dad to death...but I can't tolerate her...so I don't know if I'm looking for a live-in situation, or just someone who can offer me a place to stay until I can I guess find a better job and get my own place...I don't know..all I know is that I need to get out of here before I kill someone (literally).

I think I've decided that I"m deleting this profile in a few days. I can't find what I"m looking for and I have all but given up...this is ridiculous...I mean I know it can take awhile but, holy hell.

If you'll be my soft and sweet
I'll be your strong and steady
You'll be my glass of wine 
I'll be your shot of whiskey
You'll be my sunny day
I'll be your shade tree
You'll be my honeysuckle
I'll be your honey bee

You'll be my Louisiana
I'll be your Mississippi 
You'll be my little Loretta
I'll be your Conway Twitty
You'll be my sugar baby
I'll be your sweet iced tea
You'll be my honeysuckle 
And I'll be your honey bee

<3 =)

So starting this journey all over again. I don't think what I'm asking for is too hard, but maybe I'm just being naive about that.

Bad night tonight, random bout of being upset...I am content with my life...but I do know that it is lacking, I miss having someone there to cuddle up to at night...my bed seems so big and cold without someone here...ah well..such is life.