The sun is shining.
they say its hotter than spain today, i don't know, i've never been to spain.
i went out with my ex husband today.
we took my son and his friend who is the same age.
we were walking down the road, with these two boys the same height.
for a split second
i remember we had stillborn twin boys.
for a split second
i wondered if this is how it would have been.
its nice to have company, especially when i am out with my son, or at home.
Men don't want that do they, they just want a fuck.
Nobody is going to walk down the road with you and smile.
HE had 4 children, he didn't even speak to my son when he was here.
I suppose he didn't feel the need.
I would have liked it though.
He would have liked it.
It was nice out with my ex. today, a little less lonely.
He said I made his life a nightmare, but we still go out together sometimes.
He said I make him laugh, he said I always made him laugh.
He even said HE was a cunt and I deserved better.
He wasn't being cruel, I know he has a genuinely protective streak towards me.
thats nice isn't it.
I know thats nice.
I didn't cry today.
I said I wouldn't cry today.
I once said to HIM, the problem with being an only child is
"if we had had children together they wouldn't have had any cousins"
and he said,
"That would have been sad then".
That would have been sad having children with me?
was that the right answer?
shouldn't HE have said, "we'd have had loads and they'd have had each other".
I kinda knew when HE said that,
I kinda knew it was over,
once he'd said to have had children with me would have been sad,
I did sort of know the end had come.
I held on because HE said he loved me, because he said it would be alright, because HE said everything would go back to normal, because he said we'd walk barefoot in Spain
- but -
HE must have known he was making it all up, he must have
HE must have known he didnt want me.
I think I must have imagined it.
I sit often now in the dark and realise I must have imagined so much.
But HE did so much to the house
and HE printed out the slave registry certificate
and HE said he loved me
and HE used to phone all the time.
I couldn't have known, not really
- only if -
only if I never trust anyone
only if I believe everyone is out to use me
HE said we would have Fun
and I said, "people who use the 'Fun' word are always in a relationship with someone else,
I said it but I thought this time for the first time ever, I must be wrong about that word
and I wasn't
I was the other woman and I didn't even know it
HE didn't come when he said he would, HE pretends now he was always going to come but he never was, and why, because his partner would have asked where HE was for a week.
His partner.
I didn't realise I wasn't his partner you know.
I didn't realise I imagined it all.
It felt so real.
What should I do, just never trust anyone, what is life when you never trust anyone?
but none of it was real.
I don't know why HE did the house, maybe he felt guilty because he was using me.
Maybe HE knew I was nice and he shouldn't be doing this.
I know now why HE said to me once day, lying on my bed, "I am thinking of a long term relationship - no forget I said that, just don't listen to me"
I realise why HE said that now, and I didn't then.
Maybe his partner worked away.
I think, thinking back, HE met her in December 2010
which means, in the height of our love affair, HE was still meeting other women -
and I -
never did anything with any other man
I waited for him to come back
they said
"He's down in xx and he'll be fucking around behind your back"
and I said
"No, its not like that, HE would never do that, HE would never rock the boat like that"
why did I think he wouldn't do it
because I wasn't doing it?
An ex I ended on very bad terms with said to me, "The best thing about self harming is watching it heal" - that was very profound and very poignant of him, it made me want to cry that I had not seen that side of him, there again he had done much to obscure it, although - the one thing he never did do - he never cheated on me, not him and not my ex husband.
My ex said, "It must be very painful for you because you write a lot and now all your enemies will know it all fell apart and HE never loved you". It's not because, I don't give a fuck.
Who cares what strangers think when your insides have collapsed.
My friends were good.
I said I wouldn't cry today, up until 6.30pm this evening I didn't cry and that made me so happy, I thought i turned the corner.
Am I the only person in England today, sitting in the sunshine feeling lonely?
