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Im not easy or desperate. If you are too Lazy to get to know me; move on. My time is as valuable as yours. |
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How are you?
Wus sup?
Hi.
What are you looking for?
Hows your search going?
~None of the above qualify as conversation starters for MANY reasons... but MAINLY bc i have a VERY descriptive and informative profile that i spent a great deal of time writting... when in doubt... read it. |
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Dont ask if you dont want to know the answer. I am SICK of time wasters. |
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pulling the covers over my head... |
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It sucks being ignored by the Sadist whos bruises i bear. Happy Valentines Day to me-
an idiot. |
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Flying to WA tomorrow morning.
Will be taking care of my mom after knee surgery for 2 weeks.
She'll have the best RN taking care of her that i know.... ~weg~
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How is it possible that so many Men here say, im new, just looking, curious about the lifestyle... ect.
but then click on :
Lives for ass play -? headtilt. |
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Apparently if you are a 'submissive' that is interpretted as : my time ;like me ;has no value, please waste it. |
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Warning: I have spirit and personality.
I am a 'person' first and foremost NO
MATTER what i describe in my profile.
I am honest and playful as well as insecure.
Im not perfect and never will be.
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Perhaps i should change the focus of my search-?
Perhaps i should seek a LTPP? (Long term play partner)
Leaving the option open for LTR to develope-? Head tilt.
Little distracting to be so---- distracted.
- ya know-? |
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Been away for quite sometime--
Much more settled career-wise
MUCH less angry than I seem to have been when I was here last...blushing
Life just gets in the way I guess- and when people disappoint I tend to pull away from everyone. I haven't been touched; in ANY way; for 3 years. Extreme I know but here I am yet again- 'this' is like a drug-this lifestyle...though I do not socialize with the community, go to munches, or do the play party scene- 'this' is on my mind, always on my mind.
I read a book yesterday 'Training Amy' and it describes Amy at some point as emotionally 'shutting down'- being unable to cry- and with a history of self abuse/cutting behavior...and her Master pulls her out of her emotional shutdown with pain - it was her only venue of release... it really struck a cord with me and while I don't have a history of cutting or self abuse; I ; like Amy; cant cry.
I should say I CAN cry but don't very often as it is seen as a sign of weakness in my household at this time( and for the last 7 years) Release is a good word. I shall go Google it now... |
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Re journal dated 12/20/2012:
2 entries down ... Uncle Dad died 3 days later.
RIP Daddy |
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1 tank of gas-
1 meal at " Dennys"
2 days alone in a hotel -3 hrs away from home.....
and still havent been touched.
Will make the 'drive of shame' home tomorrow. im an idiot. |
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Absolutely unreal...
the concept of communication and connection are as fake and false as this website.
im disgusted. |
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You know you havent had much 'human' contact when You send this note to an online purchase, comment box---
" I wish i had a better idea of How Long my package will take to get there....my Uncle "Dad"~ which is what i call him~ has declined at an extremely rapid rate ( as in 2 months ago he had NO trouble walking )And i would love nothing more than for him to be able to have a little of his independance back----as soon as humanly possible....?
Im sure its way too late to ask Santa for that huh?
Merry Christmas and may 2013 be Your PERSONAL Best!
~Ps ---id still like to know when to expect my package...=)
~head tilt.....
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Its official. i have arrived in 2012... the age of technology... i have the IPhone.
All this technology and im here on CM--- journalling via my phone.
Isnt anyone ready to take me over? To have me at their fingertips?
Cant help but want to use my resources... theres NO way i believe that
noone is interested in a REAL connection? Prove me wrong--- PLEASE! |
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DESPERATE for Intelligent conversation....tap tap tap ---is this thing on? |
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Newest Goal-Plan:
Relocating to Washington State...i have family there and a dying Uncle whom id like to spend his last few years with.
I will be making this move in approximately 1 year.
So im wondering...are there any single Doms/Masters in WA?
~head tilt |
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Seeking Someone SANE ( Pls Pls be SANE ) and SINGLE...
meaning...no vanilla chick in the wings...no kinky chick in the wings...i have NO desire to be a 3rd wheel. Thanks for playin! |
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...i am not the pain i have experienced,
but the STRENGTH it has taken to rise above it. |
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my release
on my terms.... |
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Do me a favor....
If you contact me....do not expect me to call You Master or Sir from the first correspondense...im a HUMAN being first, woman second and submissive/slave last at this point in my life.
If you cant handle that im sorry. |
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My Journey Began a long, long time ago...
Long before California...long before Oregon...long before Nursing school.
It began when i was just a little girl ,sitting in my daddys lap, looking up into his eyes searching for his approval,his love and acceptance.
Of course he was the first man in my life to throw me away and i have succeeded in finding man after man who was willing to do the same.
I seek these men out-those who hold me in low regard...and unfortunately i am the common denominator in these failed endevors.
The common belief is that i have low self esteem and i guess on some primitive level its true, but as i examine this pattern of mine i have come to believe that i have merely learned to seek what i know.I feel unimportant b/c noone has ever made me feel special. That feels like a crutch but i strongly feel if i had ever actually felt special or important i would be having much different emotions right now.
~Sighs~ self examination sucks.
Its like asking for a 'real' connection is some sort of a wild notion and who the hell do i think i am asking for someone to regard me as a human being...a woman of flesh and blood, with feelings and emotions....
~again.....self examination sucks! |
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Im BACK........
Completed my RN degree.
Have the good job.
Now where exactly i belong within this L/s im not sure....
Im sure i will figure it out soon... |
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The following is the note i sent to the last :.... im in a relationship with a "vanilla" person-so descretion is necessary-"Dom" who emailed me ....
Either You are delusional or you cant read....im not interested in ANYONE who is in a relationship of ANY kind. Go hm and tie this 'vanilla' chick your supposedly involved with up and tell her your secret...honesty is WAY more exciting than being a cheating piece of shit.
Have a nice day ASSHOLE!
youve been warned.... DO NOT contact me if you are not single. |
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I’m a mere shell of a woman; who has just ridden in the eye of the tornado that’s been called my life for the last 5 yrs—at least. Jaded and moody on my best days and having a perpetually disgusted look on my face indicating I’m about to tell someone the Gods Honest truth renders me judged as “rough around the edges” and antisocial but despite it all I’ve managed to succeed in spite of myself.
Succeed at what you ask. The answer is complicated and twisty but the Reader’s Digest version records the survival of [ ( or accomplishments—or the endurance of---its all a matter of perspective) ] obtaining a Nursing Assistant certification, a bad marriage and eventual divorce from a man who couldn’t be faithful….Finding out I couldn’t have children… obtaining a Medical Assistant License in the state of California-- surviving a complicated rather predatory relationship with a Dom male that lasted WAY too long…surviving an extremely abusive (vanilla) man for 3 years in California along with 2 neck surgeries and having to call her mom asking for help to get out…moving to Oregon and living alone and single for 3 years..Returning to Va. and returning to school at age 36. Now at 41, I have completed Nursing school, taken my board exam and passed and am now working as an RN.
The problem---? I have NOT even ONE person in my corner.....No praise …----nothing....
…I feel I have been abandoned by the planet. |
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To clear up some questions....
NO the drapes dont match the carpet...i dont HAVE any carpet( just sayin)
Yes i took my board exam and yes i passed ( the first time)
I am currently working with Spinal Cord Injury Veterans.
Im still 'kinky' and am still searching for EVERYTHING that is mentioned in my profile.
Please dont email me and ask how my 'search is going'...if it were 'going good' i wouldnt EVER come to this site again: b/c i wouldnt have to...
Side note: I AM seriously still looking,waiting,wishing,hoping and praying for someone to come along who has genuine interest in something besides pretending to be a "Dom" for 45 minutes just so you can boss around a strong willed submissive girl....
If this isnt you: Bring it. |
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Its official. Im a Nurse. |
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I will NOT compromise my standards.
I do NOT cheat...nor do i talk with men who are cheaters.
Be mad if You want..call me whatever names You wish...though i may sleep alone...i can look at myself in the mirror. |
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A seperate Quote taken from the website Taken In Hand.....
"Taken In Hand men tend to be more relaxed and simply take firm action when the woman gets out of hand. As one Taken In Hand man said, “Whatever happens, I win: either she obeys and I enjoy her submission, or I get out my whip and force her to obey, and I enjoy my control and breaking her resistance.” In fact they both win, because she is just as thrilled by the whole thing as he is.
If that counts as being submissive then there is no difference between that and being taken in hand. If you think that a submissive woman should “lose her ego” (which in this context appears to mean her personality), obey without question, no matter what, and at every turn put herself down and beg her man's forgiveness for the most trivial mistakes (and not because they both find that exciting), then there is a world of difference between being submissive and being taken in hand."
http://www.takeninhand.com/can.you.be.taken.in.hand.if.youre.not.submissive
................my spirit-ego-personality; my spark of life....i hope it can remain in tact. |
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Okay seriously....
~If You have a profile with NO punctuation...we have nothing to discuss.
~"Hey" is not a conversation starter
And on another note... If You do not possess conversational skills IE: Yahoo IM
Then thats simple..just DONT provide others with your information...
~Why , you ask?.... because they will expect a conversation from you there... and unfortunately will be as irritated as i am right now...just saying...
Seriously...this isnt rocket science people! |
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Completely Random- yet relavent thoughts:
I want to learn to be a better person--more patient-graceful-?
I want to believe im worthy of someone taking the time to mold me into the beautiful woman i have yet to become.
~thoughts about "Taken In Hand"...( .com)
Many points resonate with me..... one being...
"...nature to be a strong, independent and, at times, even commanding force in much of her life, while also having a genuinely and lovingly submissive side that she chooses to share with a trusted partner. It is not that the strong, independent, commanding side of her is an act, a way of ‘being tough’ for the outside world – it is who she is and neither she nor I would ever choose to change it.
Both sides of her are equally ‘her’ and each one feeds the other – the strong, independent side helps her to grow and explore and to protect herself in a world that is by no means always benevolent or benign. But her submissive side, the part of her that will always be a young girl – playful, loving and constantly reassured by having a stronger, guardian force there to nurture and guide her – helps to give the womanly, independent side strength."
Chosing to 'obey'...to me it means...
-to perform blindly
-trust implicitly
-having undying loyalty that is unshakable......
-much like the girl in Secretary...as she clutched the edges of the desk after being told by Him not to move until He returned....
After a day passes... dying of thirst,hunger, and the need to empty her full bladdar, repeated visits from loved ones shaking her will with food and drink and promises of love and unconditional support...she reluctantly releases her bladdar and remains in position...she was unmoved until He returns to collect her, milkshake in hand to quench her thirst, he gathers her up like a little child and carries her to her future.....
I wish to again be unshakable...
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Why is it SO hard for some to be "Civil"....
~im a Bitch [b/c i have morals-?]...
~i have too many stipulations in my profile...lol...so the married and dudes with g/f's say...
~my picture is 15 years old( its really 3 years old..but taken in crappy lighting) and i am really a dude pretending to be a chick---huh?....
~im prejudice against black men...(eyeroll---not even going to qualify that)
These are JUST a few emails ive recieved in the last HOUR.... |
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WOW.....a girl says shes doesnt want to 'screw-around' with married men...and voila...her inbox is empty...imagine that.... |
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im busy...not that i have a life or anything...im coming down off all the stress ive been through for the past 3 years while surviving nursing school...so im kind of numb....and pretty depressed ( save your fingers...no emails needed to tell me how much ive accomplished..yada yada...)
im depressed for many reasons....to make a long story short....ive basically let only 2 people( one male and one female) into my life over the last 3-4 years ...and those 2 people are no where to be found... save for one obligatory phone call per day..."Nothing going on here im headed to bed"
im pissed at myself for even letting my guard down and allowing anyone into my life...period...in the end people always let you down. Besides WTF was i thinking all these years...-? Oh thats right i wasnt thinking...had NO time for socialization or relationship drama...i was in school...trying to study and work took all my time...
Those who are 'here' on CM are here for easy sex...
im only here b/c how else do i even attempt to find One who is attached to the L/s?...
Try explaining the desire for a beating to a vanilla guy... ~eyeroll~
im also on another site...which is mainly a r/t social venue...and since i havent been to many social events over the years ...im insignificant and forgetable.
I will figure this out somehow... |
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i will get no more than i believe i deserve...when i respect myself, i will be respected..until then ..... |
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Nursing Degree : Associates of Science
Graduate :12/2010 "Cum Laude"
GPA 3.4
State Boards...sometime late february.....
Feeling like a member of the human race again...gonna take a minute or 2- for sure! |
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To anyone who may be interested...i've managed to finish Nursing school with a 3.4 GPA...ive survived A 12 day visit from my mother and Christmas and a disfunctional New Years Eve with my brother and his babies-mama...eye roll...
Im relieved to have survived all of the above.... next hurdle... BOARDS...
more to come... |
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Im down but not out...
im hurt but will heal...
im a brat but i still believe i can be tamed...
im jaded and hard to get close to but i pray not for much longer...
For each day that i let myself stay hardened , i move that much further from my future *Sir-Master-Top-Owner...* which ever should He be...
I realise i struggle against letting people get close to me...which is actually the oposite of how a submissive should behave in my opinion...
This to me indicates that i should be FIRED from the job of being in charge of 'me'...i obviously dont love myself enough to be responsible for myself...i need guidance back to loving myself...its not yet clear to me if i have ever loved myself ...not the way i love and care for those (very few ) people in my life...
Here is my heart...i ( want ) to be submissive...to be able to let myself be again...i wish to give my all...to be moldable and learn again how to be obediant ...
~it feels pretty wacky to have such a change of heart...im always scared i will be just like my mother...if perhapsi could just i let myself feel like a little girl again...oh to channel that wide open eyed hopeful hearted little girl i used to be...
~ Head tilt ~
i have put some time and thought into this and how better to search for my One than to throw my raw naked broken heart out there ?
...know me know my heart...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~In case You are searching for me...i will never stop believing that You arent on Your way to claim me...
Until then,pls know i am here waiting...
xoxo
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i wish i didnt have so much pride..wasnt so GD difficult to get next to...
i need a beating so bad i can taste it...its a bitter pill that i share with noone...
because my ability to trust has been so damaged... i feel noone can cure what ails me |
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Look... Local is Local... and "local" ( to me ) is NOT Canada...or Australia...or California
I try to believe the best in people and give a person the benefit of the doubt...case in point....
a 'Dom- person' from this website emailed me the most eloquent(sp?) note... i responded with a gracious thank you note back.... he responds with your welcome..if youd like a little intelligent conversation ...... and gave me his YIM.... long story short...heres how the chat went...
Me: Hi :)
Him: Greetings...Are you single?..Live alone? Have a cam?
Me: Ummm this is kinda rapid fire questioning..im single ( as my profile states) i do not live alone...live w/ my brother while im in school....and no i do not have a cam...~awkward moment...
Him: you mean i cant play with you?
Seriously ?? WTF?! |
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Staying positive in the face of the many disappointments in my life is proving challenging...one familiar line comes to mind... Life isnt fair.... isnt that just the biggest understatement??...due to a difficult home environment...i made the difficult decision on wednesday to rent a hotel room to study for an exam ( taken yesterday) and though i DID 'pass'; im incredibly disappointed in my grade. Many of my classmates werent so lucky and several of them are having to withdraw b/c their grade put them in the failing bracket...they are dropping like flys around me and i am hanging on for dear life! |
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i may not be a WONDERFUL person but i know i am a good person and there are people who do care for me even if it feels like im on an island...its only that...a feeling.
i will be the best i can be despite all the negative influences in my life! |
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Maybe im just having a moment but sometimes......
..........Some times i wish i were invisible...that way i could just expect to not be seen, there would be no sadness...no disappointment...no longing to be noticed...wishing for a glance...why am i such a lonely girl?... thats the million $ question of the day.....
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Back from my "vacation"... and to my new most hectic schedule yet...
While i would LOVE to connect with someone... and actually have aspects of D/s in my life...i am completely overwhelmed with my new schedule and last semester of nursing school...
To be fair i need to stay away and focused on my goal...
Good Luck! |
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im going to go see an old g/f of mine in Va Bch...just decided a few minutes ago and called her to make sure it was cool. She said come on! So im gonna work today come home tonite and pack and run some errands and leave at like 5am Wed....have to leave Va Bch Thurs. night though...im scheduled to work 2 jobs on Friday... sad but ive gotta take care of my bills...like a 'good girl'...eyeroll....whateva lets just say my super ego is well developed..hee hee...
Not on my ADD meds today...so im a bit scattered but im just going to roll with it...im being incredibly productive and i have a positive outlook....im actually facing my anxiety about my final semester of my RN program starting by MAKING myself refocus on something positive i could do for myself that would benefit me in this last [most difficult] semester? Support...i feel i am definately under supported by those in my life...i feel like the invisible one...not included ...secluded.
So what could make me feel more 'supported'? Spending 36 hrs with my oldest g/f and her husband and 2 boys...we'll spend the morning laughing and talking about all the crazy calls we just exchanged on my 3hr drive and how nervous i get going thru that F'ing tunnel....Then she will show me all her latest projects and newly acquired talents... she is a 'beader' and no ordinary one either...some of the stufff she has made ; i have seen comprible pieces in Macys selling for 120.00...she has won many Statefair awards/ribbons ect...i also believe her work has been in a few beading magaizines as well...but dont quote me on that....and she ALSO teaches beading classes!..Shes a frickin beading fool...so then we will go get lunch... she drives like a bat out of hell and usually causes me to scream atleast one time the first time i ride with her...laughs...We'll stop by a craft store or 2...a few bead stores..ect blowing pretty much the whole afternoon...She'll be late for her nap...has something to do with taking ATC pain meds for a chronic condition she has...anyways...she will take a 2 hrs nap...at which time i will unpack my crap...probably chatting with my nephews (her 2 boys call me Auntie) and then the grouchy bear will wake up..grumblin that we woke her up...we laugh and she slams the bathroom door...we call it her office!!
We will probably bead some ...work on projects...or she will start a project for me and will teach me a technique...then her Hubby comes home...Her and i will inevidably have to run somewhere...its usually Walmart or a bead store...we eat dinner and watch TV on her bed for a few hrs then go to bed.... then repeat fror Thursday except i leave when they all pile on top of her bed and watch TV together.
Come on...what could be more relaxing?!?!
~See what happens to my brain when i dont take my ADD meds ??? |
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This is not my "Happily Ever After" :
No little girl dreams of waiting til shes 40 to follow her dream...to settle for One who does not think the world of her...to save herself for One who is arrogant and condensending
Tomorrow i will be closer; until then i contemplate my 'Happily ever after'...... |
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Starting a Bucket List
~Get tattoo
~Own a Beautiful Home...wrap around porch
~Go to Ireland
~Hot Air Balloon Ride IN Ireland
~To understand WTF men are thinking when they do what they do..... |
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To anyone who may be interested...ive finally started a journal on LiveJournal.com....
Im doing some soul searching i guess; hell at the very least its cheaper than a therapist... so feel free to wander through my rattled mind....
http://bbg-girlygirl.livejournal.com/
Disclaimer: If i offend...im sorry .If i prattle on and on...think of how it must be for me to have all that INSIDE my brain. If you laugh...well i guess i should say : Your welcome! =) |
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Id like to start off by saying, im not new to this site...i thought after being on here ;off and on for 3+ yrs; id give my D/s relationship 100% of my time.
~besides i was becoming a bit jaded with all the unintelligent,vulgar,rediculous advances i recieved almost daily...hmm that was a bit drawn out but you know what i mean hopefully...
So i deleted my profile after a short good bye to those few i spoke with on a regular basis...ones i would consider friends...
[click here to get to the point]
The relationship cant be fixed...we arent a good match...we consistently shut each other down and neither of us has been truely happy for quite some time...
Ok that being said...yes i realise my profle is unremarkable, even forgetable...but i had quite an explicit profile,carefully laying out where i stood in this whole D/s L/s, my experience level, my hard limits...the whole 9...and i REALLY didnt get many realistic responses...ok i will give you a quick example....in my last profile i have the following words typed exactly like this :
NO MARRIED Men! No EXCEPTIONS! NO Couples! No Women! i AM NOT BISEXUAL!
This was actually the first line of my profile...as well as stragegically placed in the middle as well as placed at the very end
You know what i got for my trouble... 15 emails from married men, 2 from Dommes and 4 couples who want to make me their bitch!
Unbelievable? Well im an honest girl and speak the truth...just sayin...
I guess maybe i just want to say that i feel like i am trying to reinvent myself..or find the old me...which one im not entirely sure of yet...
I am only the product of my past experiences...i will not let my previous failed endevors(sp?) define who i am...I truely believe that if i keep my goal in sight...Finishing Nursing School this coming semester...then i will be closer to the person i need to be when 'my One' finds me... ~eye roll...yes i am aware of how cheesy it sounds...but a girl can dream cant she ?
~soft smile...
If Youd like to know more...just ask. im a regular girl...as opposed to an irreg-- nevermind...
Happy Friday!!
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