Badonlineslave

I'm desperately searching for an answer as to why I let him break my heart. He never even loved me. Only one man should be able to break my heart. Only one man loves me like no other. Why was I so stupid? Why is it under my skin so much? I think I've discovered it's not because I loved him more. It's because I wasn't enough to make it be a priority for him. I was rejected because I couldn't and wouldn't give enough of myself to be his One. One man does feel that way though. Thank you love. Forever Yours.

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.” Anais Nin

I love this quote

Today I received the biggest compliment from an online Dom here. (thank you 95) he read my profile and journals and sent a message what a good slave I am and a good Master I have and I should he thankful daily for Him. I replied I was thankful. Every minute of every hour. This kind of recognition and support from other Doms is why I stay on this site. To hear their ideas and to know that my behaviors are the top of the line as a slave. I am so thankful for my Master. His pride in me, his love, his sexual release he provides me, his acceptance of my bad. Thank you Master. I do not deserve you. I will strive to please you for eternity.

So I have love back. A greater love than I have ever known. But then why do I still feel empty at times like this? Why do I feel lonely and caged? I hate not knowing why the need to be adored and admired and desired in me is so great. For a slave that is certainly an egotistical need I should not have the privilege of.

I can feel the invisible collar slowly enveloping my neck. It's weight feeling so freeing. Finally I can feel Him again. What will this collar be made of as it takes form? The air is crisper now. Easier to breathe. The lack of oxygen lately has it biting at my nostrils stinging as I inhale deeply. Desiring to somehow smell the air I longed to breathe again. There is a freedom in being His slave. Also a deep wound. Sometimes we must feel pain to know we are alive. I feel alive again. Let it not kill me.

I can feel the imaginary collar slipping around my neck. Reminding me of my place to serve. The air is becoming crisp and easier to breathe now but still bites at my nostrils stinging from having no oxygen for so long. Finally I feel Him again. Finally I feel alive again. Sometimes only pain can make you remember you are alive.