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The Twist
She whispers with flushed cheeks of her soul. His mind struggles to grasp her past and does not even fathom her present. The future is lost.
Try again to hush the hunger, avoid the tears.
She whispers with racing heart of the wild fire. He squirms. He dodges. An addict of comfort. Angry at the disruption. The future is lost.
Craving the forbidden. Wanting to open his mind.
She whispers to him her fears like a falling angel desperate for a savior. He hears only her past, and turns his back. The future is lost.
Growing colder. Hope is dying.
She warms herself by the fire. Floating, flying, tasting, watching, longing, craving, needing more.
Shame.
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Its just like me to come here promising myself a fleeting taste of well-deserved pleasure-- To give myself permission to become someone else and just let off some steam but instead to bear my ugly soul and sit depressed in a room full of potential thrills. I guess I should be proud of myself. Instead I feel empty and without hope.
Time to quiet the fires again and just shut this out of my head. There are bigger things in this life than my sexual desires. Much bigger. I feel pathetic and worthless at the moment despite the efforts of a well-meaning kind soul. I'm grateful, and at once skeptical and close-minded toward all of this.
Quiet the fires. If only water would work then these tears would surely solve every equation presented within this mess.
Forgive the anger. I'm sure you the reader are not a monster after all. I'm just not intending to find out at the moment. |
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Trying so hard to find my way. Piecing the mess together in my head bit by bit but I've no idea what to do next.
The present: Typical. Frustrating. Married to a wonderful vanilla man with no will to explore for five years now. I love him. I will not be unfaithful.
Before him: A dead-end marraige that ended with me feeling completely undesirable. Then, uncontrolled mania on and off for two years. During that time there were two relationships.
First relationship: I blindly was lead into the role of a slave with no knowledge of BDSM. I was taken in deeper and deeper and I never questioned it. He said I was truly a natural slave. It was graceful, frightening and addictive. Then something went very wrong and I used the anger it created within me as the opportunity to end it, completely. Still confused about that relationship but beginning to understand some of it after recent research.
Second relationship during the manic period was something all together different and wrong. He was a monster in disguise, not a Master at all. I was completely naive and stupid. I lost myself and hit bottom. The price was sickening. I drew a line in the sand and swore not to ever go back. Easy to do because this many years later I still feel hatred for him and the rage within me frightens me enough that I strictly maintain a three-hour driving distance from him for his own good.
The distant past: Its all a blur. I don't even know what's real nor do I care to know or venture there. Safe to say it was a mess, and there are scars and triggers that I consciously avoid. There is also a great deal of fear that frustrates me even now as an accomplished successful woman.
My sweet vanilla husband was so easy to fall in love with. He is strong in every way. He is good-hearted and beautiful to the core of his soul. His personality is gracefully confident and dominant outside of the bedroom. I guess I thought it would develop in the bedroom as well in time with my "permission" so to speak. Now I know I was wrong about that. After last night's last ditch effort to communicate with him, I now know that he is was and always will be submissive in the bedroom. I've found myself playing the dominant role because I love to see him happy. It doesn't bother me at all or at least not much.
The problem: The mania returns. For the past three months I've found myself craving the rush. An impromptu adventure to an amusement park and riding every coaster there. Jogging in the middle of the night despite a very real fear of the dark. Openly discussing my desires with my sweet vanilla despite knowing the predictable anger it will cause him. And craving. Swimming in the forbidden memory of a state that I now know to be called "subspace" and perhaps even "slavespace" at times. And finally, finding myself here, researching to understand, exploring, tempting myself, longing for it.
My Conclusions, The Twisted Facts: The mania will again subside in time. I worry about my ability to control myself while it lasts but I also am truly scared of the falling when it subsides.
I refuse to risk making another mistake and hurting him. I love him. Its really very simple.
I've no desire to be owned or collared again. The thought just makes me angry. The monsters heavily outnumber the Masters and there's no Master out there who could gracefully solve this problem within the constraints of my vanilla life.
I've no desire to trust anyone on this planet again. Beyond desire, I doubt there is even an ability within me to trust again. With a great deal of reason and experience behind me, its safe to say that any sign of trust that I may display is false.
I've no desire to please anyone but my sweet vanilla because he is the only one I can come close to trusting. This means that I don't feel that I owe anyone or One anything at all, not even honesty or respect, let alone obedience. As far as I'm concerned, I'll probably assume you are among the monsters rather than the Masters upon meeting you on this site.
I wish I didn't crave this. I hate myself for it. I'm sure a simple pill would lead to the solution but can I overcome the desire enough to get myself to swallow the pill? Sweet vanilla thinks I don't need it. Then again, sweet vanilla chooses to believe that I'm a satisfied woman despite my many direct efforts at communicating the contrary. He simply is not dominant, cannot perform in a dominant fashion and therefore does not know of a solution, so he's chosen to deny the problem.
I wonder, is there a way to take one's self into subspace without trusting, without hurting him, without risking anything? I fear the answer. It may end up being just another wall of this prison.
There lies my soul in so many words, disected for all to judge. I care not. |
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| Age: 40 |
| Honolulu,
Connecticut |
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