AnvilDungeon

important read about Tittles


One other thing to keep in mind when it comes to titles – they ARE self appointed.

Just because someone says they are a Domme doesn’t mean they know anything about it. Anyone can “say” they are a master at something or other, but that doesn’t make them skilled or knowledgeable. There are no earned degrees, no knighting by the queen, nothing to signify that a title is earned or deserved. Anyone who claims to be a dominant take their words with a grain of salt and let their actions prove to you if they are the real thing or just wanting to be.

Many dream of being something they are not – few ever actually achieve all that they dream of being. If you take your time and get to know someone they eventually show their true colors. It’s just a matter of time and patience.

Submissive vs Slave vs Bottom: Bottom: someone who loves to be played with and will allow a dominant to top them but ONLY for the duration of a play scene. Once the scene is over they are 100% equals and it’s not uncommon for a bottom to dictate what kind of play they want. For example, I occasionally want an endorphin rush so I will ask a friend to use a single tail on me - I dictate when, where, how hard, what toys, and I am NEVER bound because I am controlling what I want - he complies because he is a good friend and its all in fun. Thus I can and do bottom, but I am NEVER submissive. I am not wired that way. A bottom does not submit, a bottom never gives up control.

Submissive: someone who wants to yield control to a dominant. They negotiate boundaries and the dominant sets safe words for them. BDSM to them isn’t about just the sensations; it’s about being in that submissive headspace. It’s about submitting your mind and body (and possibly your heart) to a dominant for them to use as they see fit (within your limitations of course). A submissive is a submissive long before a scene starts and continues to be a submissive long after a scene ends. It is a part of who they are and how they relate to their dominant partner. A submissive is NOT a doormat, they are an independent free thinking person who compliments a dominant in their servitude. A submissive has the right to walk away from a relationship if it isn’t meeting their personal needs.

Slave: there are so many different views on what a slave is or isn’t but here is the general consensus. A slave is a submissive who takes it one step further giving up all rights to their dominant partner. They give up safe words and trust 100% that their dominant will do whatever is in their best interest. They do not question their dominant, they obey without reservation. The rules for a slave can be quite strict and the discipline for breaking the rules can vary drastically. It is generally accepted that a slave must beg for permission to be released should they ever feel the need to leave a relationship – but the reality is slavery in that context is not legally binding (even with a contract signed) and no one can prevent someone from leaving a relationship should it either not meet their needs or if it becomes abusive.

A slave is an owned piece of property to be used at the dominants discretion. It is not uncommon for a slave to be shared, or commanded to please another, or put on public display. Collars that are locked on, brandings, piercings are common things associated with slavery. It is also not uncommon for a dominant to give away that piece of property should they no longer want to keep it down the road. Or they may give a slave to another dominant for further training.

Slavery is NOT some thing to take lightly and many take it very seriously. It is the ultimate TPE (total power exchange) for many and some crave this with every ounce of their being.

I should also note that I have never seen a TPE M/s (Master/slave or Mistress/slave) relationship last for more than a couple of years at most. It is very rare as that extreme imbalance of power in a relationship causes incredible stress on the core of that relationship. Some find ways of balancing the power a bit letting the slave assume control over certain aspects of their life, career, home, finances, etc. – the ones who do actually have a chance of making the relationship last - the ones who don’t almost never last beyond 2 years.

The problem with TPE is that the dominant usually ends up changing the slave into what they dream of, but then they are no longer the person that the dominant found desirable in the first place. It is the very individuality of the person that makes the exchange so intensely wonderful. Take away their individuality and you take away that independence that challenges and delights a dominant.

Negotiating with a potential partner. There are many things you SHOULD ask a new potential partner that is not only a smart thing to do, but is an essential thing to do in order to remain safe and healthy. After all if you are going to let someone tie you up then do anything they want to your body, you better know before you start that you are in good hands and that they know what they are doing. I’ve written another article on www.oaln.com that talks about questions you need to ask when negotiating with a new potential partner so I won’t go through those details here.

Safe words: When you are exploring bdsm for the first time a safe word can mean the difference between playful fun and being criminally violated. In the right head space some activities will be incredibly erotic, but if the headspace changes those same activities can turn into your worst nightmare. A safe word is a word that you and your dominant decide upon BEFORE playing that you can use to stop a scene if you are having problems or are unable to take anymore. It’s your safety net.

Most lifestylers use the traffic light as their safe words – GREEN means I love it and want more go go go… YELLOW means please slow down I am scared or reaching the end of my endurance… RED means STOP NOW, end of session or scene. If a submissive calls out “RED” during a scene the dominant should cease ALL play and remove the submissive if they are bound making sure that the submissive is alright.

Most lifestylers don’t use the word “no”, “stop” or “don’t” as a safe word because many enjoy being able to struggle and beg during a scene – they don’t actually want it to stop, they just like resisting verbally as it adds to the thrill. If you are ever attending a bdsm function and you see someone being played with who is crying, or screaming “no” or begging “please stop”… this may actually be a part of the scene and what they want. Do NOT interfere; ask the host of the event if you are in doubt or DM’s (Dungeon Monitors) if there are any on the premises.

Think with your head (on your shoulders!). Before letting anyone put you in a position where you give up all control and become potentially a victim get to know them first. Don’t let your desires rule your common sense. If you have doubts then walk away for another day. If you get this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of your stomach – trust your gut instinct and walk away. There will always be more opportunities in the future. You don’t have to have that scene right now. Stay safe. YOU are responsible for your own wellbeing. The dominant is only doing what you have given them consent to do… if you have turned yourself over to a psycho sadist because you failed to listen to your own inner voice then you will pay the ultimate price for that mistake. Only YOU can keep you safe. Never trust blindly. Talk, listen, watch, learn, and talk more. Never take someone at face value, get to know them over time to let that trust grow.

My dad always said “if you are going to be dumb, you better be tough” and no truer words were ever spoken. Don’t learn the hard way. Trust your gut instinct, it is there for your survival.

Last thing to keep in mind – this is all in fun. It is erotic, sensual, kinky, and it touches on fantasies that may consume your thoughts. It’s supposed to be fun. If you aren’t getting what you hoped from it, then perhaps this isn’t for you, or it may be that you have the wrong partner since no two people approach bdsm the same way. BDSM isn’t for everyone and in fact for some it is destructive to their emotional wellbeing. Only you can decide what is right for you. Whether you explore the bottom/submissive/slave end of the spectrum or the Dominant/top end or switch between the two. Kink can add spice to a relationship – but it can also be a destructive force leaving a wake of abuse in its path.

Be smart, take your time, and know what you are getting into BEFORE you jump in with both feet.

Wishing you all the best on this amazing journey we call BDSM.

things to read!!!!!  Important

The Ethical Slut
By: Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

The New Bottoming Book
By: Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Opening Up
By: Tristan Taormino

Different Loving
By: Gloria G Brame, William D Brame, and
Jon Jacobs

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns
By: Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Conquer Me
By: Kacie Cunningham

The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy
By: Anne Rice

Story of O
By Pauline Reage

The Many Shades of BDSM
By: B.J. Dempsey

The Book Of Kink
By: Eva Christina

Kama Sutra
By: Anne Hooper

Fetish
By: Tony Mitchel

So you want to be submissive huh? You've decided it's time to make all your fantasies come true and you're super excited about the thought of being on your knees! Weeeehooooo here we go! This piece is for all the newbie submissives out there....

Newsflash Being submissive is about more than just being on your knees whenever you please. Oh yes, surprising as it may be there is a lot more that you will have to work on. What's that you say, "work on?" Yes bitches, WORK. Something that doesn't seem to register with newbies is the amount of time, energy, dedication, work and money I have already put into being a Dominant/Top/Sadist whatever you want to call it. To start, I have spent years of my own being submissive to learn and experience what it is to be a submissive person, to serve, to submit on a daily basis. Then I have spent hours and hours of my time learning safety precautions and techniques so that I may play with you properly without damaging you. Not to mention the money I have spent in the process getting to/from classes, or the hundreds of dollars worth of toys and instruments I've bought to work my craft. Aside from all this there is the hours of time I have spent reading and thinking about the mental aspect of BDSM to be able to try to be aware of all aspects that I may affect my submissive. And then there is the time that I have spent getting to know you, what you are interested in, scared of, turned off by. The hours of my time it takes driving to see you, explaining the lifestyle to you, preparing you, teaching you, and coming up with a plan of where I'm going to take you and what I'm going to do with you.

And you expect to come and kneel before me and think that you are good to go?

Let me be clear once again about your part in this, as I have been quite clear in what it takes to make my Dominance happen....

1 This is not just about you- This is not just about you and all the fantasies you want to make come true. I am a real person who has invested my life in this lifestyle, and I am not here to serve you when you feel like it and be pushed aside when you don't. I AM NOT A NOVELTY.

2 Don't waste my time- I understand that you are on a journey of expanding your sexuality and realizing what you like and don't like but that does not give you the right to waste my time. You had plenty of time to think about what you were doing before you contacted me.

3 Learn to communicate- That's right, YOU also need to learn something. Surprise Surprise we are not mind readers, nor psychic. Sensitive yes. So yes I do sense there is something amiss with you but no I do not have any idea of what it may be unless you tell me.

4 Be accountable- If you schedule a playdate with me and I call to check in with you the day before, THAT is the day to tell me your not feeling well and want to reschedule, not the day of play a few hours beforehand when I've already spent over an hour of my time preparing for the session. Respect MY time as I respect yours.

5 Educate yourself- So that you have a better of idea of what you want to create. So that you keep yourself safe. So that you know that I know what I'm doing. So you have something to offer besides being on your knees. Get out into the community and take some classes that relate to being submissive, find groups for submissives, books to read. Take a cooking class or small massage course, find ways to constantly better yourself.

6 Be prepared to do something that you don't want to do- Because I will find it. And I will make you do it to prove a point. Because you can do things that you want to do all day long while we play, but until you have done something for me that you don't want to do you have not fully submitted, you have only served yourself in the long run.

CLARIFICATION FOR #6- I should have know I should have clarified on this as I had a feeling it would be taken the wrong way. I am in NO way talking about pushing or breaking any kind of limit the sub has. What I am referring to is this- A sub usually prefers to do things within their talents and comfort zones, for example, cleaning, cooking and taking pain were one of my sub's comfort zones.......they were very easy tasks for him to do which he enjoyed. That is not to say that I didn't appreciate or enjoy these tasks that he did for me, but they came easily for him and without any internal struggle, or in turn, growth for him as a submissive. At a party I had brought him to I decided I wanted him to dress as a female to amuse my friend whose birthday it was, as she enjoys this particular thing. Now, let me tell you, he did not want to dress in this cute pink dress that I picked out for him, but he did, and putting that dress on triggered all kinds of things for him, he felt insecure, I'm sure a part of him felt a bit angry, he felt a tad humiliated maybe, but I reassured him that it made me happy, and I watched him work through all these feelings, and then release them, and as he gave up his preconceived notions about what he thought of this he surrendered to me, he did it for me because it made him happy to see me happy that he did this for me. By the end of the night he was standing proudly in his little pink outfit, a huge change from his hunched over demeanor when he first put the dress on. I was so proud of him, for I saw him let go and surrender to me, I saw him push through and work through his feelings and expand as a submissive, and this meant more to me than him cooking or cleaning ever will. This is what I mean by "doing something you don't want to do". What you need to remember, is that I HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HAND, I do not want to damage/scar/hurt you, I want to help you grow in your submission.... I want to help you let go so that you can be free..even if for just a short while. I hope that this can help resolve some of the negative feelings that were triggered by #6.....

7 Work through the feelings that BDSM triggers- As I warned you, BDSM can and will bring up emotional/mental triggers that may make you feel sad, angry, hurt, rejected, confused, guilty, ashamed, whatever......it is your job to let yourself actually feel these feelings, give yourself the space and acceptance you need to have them, try to work through them, and communicate properly to the proper audience when vocalizing them.....there is plenty of support in the right places, and you are not the only submissive who has felt this way.

8 Enjoy yourself- This is an organic process in which two people create a moment that exists for only a short amount of time, and will never be duplicated again...each scene is unique unto itself, and precious. Recognize exactly how much time and energy your Dominant has put into making your scene happen and respect that. Realize that your fantasies will not always happen as you expect them to.

9 Take care of yourself- It is your job to take care of yourself. This means mentally, emotionally and physically. It is your responsibility to show up as a healthy, whole person, which means you must care for yourself. It is my job to care for you when you are with me, it is your job to care for yourself when I am not. If you do not, then you fall apart as a person, and then what good is that to either you or me? Nurture and love yourself actively on a daily basis.

10 Be Honest- With yourself and all others. Otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time. If something doesn't work for you, refer to number 3 and COMMUNICATE. You will NOT be judged for your feelings, you will, however, be doing us both a disservice if you do not communicate. And sometimes you will have to instigate conversation and communication yourself. This is real life, get your big girl panties on.

11 Show your appreciation- It can and will go a long way. You are not the only one who needs a little reassurance or encouragement sometimes. We like to know when we are moving in the right direction. We like to know when our time and energy is being put into the right place. We like to know that you like what we are doing....and D/s is a game that requires two players, not one, cause playing with yourself is only so fun for so long ;)

1. His apartment looks like an apartment.

2. He does what he does because he loves to do it – he’s more than capable of motivating himself.

3. He doesn’t ever need a babysitter.

4. When he has a problem, he speaks his mind – and does so calmly and respectively.

5. He has his priorities straight – and you know you’re most definitely one of them.

6. He takes care of himself – body and mind.

7. He supports you and your dreams, always encouraging you and keeping things positive.

8. He doesn’t complain because he knows complaining doesn’t yield results.

9. He makes decisions, but is more than comfortable with allowing you to take the wheel.

10. When he has you alone, he isn’t interested in anything other than you.

11. He admits that he is wrong when he is wrong.

12. He knows your value and appreciates you for you.

1. His apartment looks like an apartment.

2. He does what he does because he loves to do it – he’s more than capable of motivating himself.

3. He doesn’t ever need a babysitter.

4. When he has a problem, he speaks his mind – and does so calmly and respectively.

5. He has his priorities straight – and you know you’re most definitely one of them.

6. He takes care of himself – body and mind.

7. He supports you and your dreams, always encouraging you and keeping things positive.

8. He doesn’t complain because he knows complaining doesn’t yield results.

9. He makes decisions, but is more than comfortable with allowing you to take the wheel.

10. When he has you alone, he isn’t interested in anything other than you.

11. He admits that he is wrong when he is wrong.

12. He knows your value and appreciates you for you.

1. Girls like to dress in revealing clothes because they think they look sexy – women know they look sexy no matter what they wear.

2. Girls expect their men to know how they feel and what they’re thinking – women use their words.

3. Girls expect you to pay the tab – women are financially independent.

4. Girls go out and get wasted – women can hold their liquor and know their limits.

5. Girls can’t wait to update their Facebook status to “In a relationship” – women forget they have a Facebook.

6. Girls watch junk TV – women read.

7. Girls talk about trivial matters – women know how to hold a stimulating conversation.

8. Girls eat salads – women eat whatever the hell they want.

9. Girls stick to what they know – women are always searching to widen their horizons.

10. Girls need guardians – women don’t need anybody but themselves.