Andrew60640

You'd think I'd know better but it's funny how quickly you can drop all the supposed barriers you had built up when you think you've found what you been seeking. It's very disappointing because I know what I have to offer someone and I was laying it out on the table ready and willing to make serious changes and seemingly to a receptive audience only to have it go poof in a couple minutes of video chat. Since not sure exactly what it was because the distance factor was a know issue, so it'd have to have been my face, voice or those initial awkward moments. Now I have been known to overreact and analyze, perhaps she's been busy or perhaps she needs her own time to determine if I'm able to be what she desires. I understand that I'm not everyone's cup of tea physically or personality wise I'd just prefer to be told upfront so I don't have to wonder. If I'm too ugly, my voice annoys you, too fat or too short I just want to know. There are things I can work on and charge if given the incentive to. I can change my clothes or hair, lose weight or get more muscular and if I could I'd grow taller and have a deeper more masculine voice.  It doesn't help that I'm as picky as I am and then to weed through the fakes and the pro-domme and while trying to find single dommes seeking relationship based BDSM within a reasonable driving distance is not easy.

I'm reactivating my account not so much because I'm looking for any sort of kink based relationship but on the off chance that there might be someone out there looking for a more conventional relationship with the added bonus of kink. 

I've been pretty bad about replying back to people in the past but I'm going to try and do better. Most likely on the weekends since I tend to not want to sit at my computer after  I'm done working since I've been at that same spot all day.

I'm meeting a Mistress and her slave tomorrow, it's been a long time since I've met anyone in person from online and even longer since I've met anyone in person that I met on a fetish site. I'm completely nervous/excited. I really have no expectations  but I'm ready to just let go and let things just happen for a change.  

I wish they'd said 9am and not 9pm

2 weeks back from my vacation and I'm completely bored and wanting to go somewhere beside home for a few weeks.  If only I could find some way to afford to travel for 2 weeks and come home for 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to having some new people in my life.

I think I've come to understand a major reason I have difficult time with relationships, Avoidant Personality Disorder. People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked.

Here are just some of the symptoms that I seem to share

•  Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
• Self-imposed social isolation
• Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
• Highly self-conscious
• Self-critical about their problems relating to others
• Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
• Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism 

I sort of wish I could go back in time armed with this knowledge. It wouldn't solve problems I've had but it would allow us to work through my issues. I am really curious to figure out when I developed these issues

Journey is coming to an end, but I'm starting to feel recharged. I've only been missing one thing in my life and that's a relationship that leaves me fulfilled on all levels. Once at home I think my profile is due for a massive overhaul. I just wish there was a way to search for people that are actually looking for real long term monogamous relationships on this site or any of the kink related free sites. I'm anxious to get started on this new search, but I don't think the couch in my friend's living room is the place to start.

New Pics should be coming soonish, I need to gather feed back on whether letting the girl at twisted scissors have free reign was a good or bad idea

Back in England and as always hoping someone will find me and keep me. I do love my friends here. The want to help me find my lost mojo. Been in a 2 year funk and for the second year in a row I've had to tell them I wasn't involved with anyone or pursuing or being pursued by anyone. At least last time I was talking to a few people before my cat's death put me in a bit of a depression. That's what these trips to England are, a time to clear my head and recover who I am, along with seeing my closest friends. I'd love to have a job that would allow me to stay here at least half the year, I really feel more balanced. Perhaps that's because I've isolated myself at home and while here I'm forced to be around not just co-workers but friends and people that actually care about me.  OK rambling in the middle of the night leads to too much weird self-analysis

It'd be nice if I could just shutdown my brain and let someone else take over for a bit.

So here's where I'm at these days, 2010 was a horrible year, I lost a relationship, seeming one of my closest friendships and a dear pet. I'm not depressed but I do feel a bit helpless. I've tried a few times to reach out to people and find the connection that I long for but it's not gone well. So often it's easier just to be alone but ultimately that's not what I want. I would love to have a companion in this life. However it always seems the people I'm most attracted on a personal level and just not a physical level aren't as attracted to me. I know it's probably silly to want to find a real relationship on a bdsm site but a site like this is where I found one of my closest friend and there are traits held by most of the people on here that I'd need in any potential partner, an open mind & willingness to try new things. It's just a matter of trying to find someone that has the other bits. For me those bits are a general level of geekiness and desire to travel and explore this world. I really feel like I've been standing still for a while and I want to explore a bit with someone I care about and have fun with mentally, physically and sexually. 

So often I judge other people and ultimately get scared off by the level of "drama" in other people's lives. Perhaps I've underestimated my own drama and baggage, so here it is laid bare. I have an overwhelming need to be wanted and liked. I don't think think most people in my life have ever understood that about me, but it's been there my entire life. I know we all want to be wanted but maybe since I was in the womb I've never exactly felt wanted. I don't need or crave nonstop attention but I need to be made to be feel like I'm wanted or desired by someone. This goes for my platonic relationships as well as my romantic ones. I've always thought myself an obvious cliché, the curmudgeonly loner that just wants love and acceptance, but maybe that's not as obvious as I thought. Of course, I can also be scared off by excessive and unwarranted attention or desire, but that's not been too much of a problem these days. 

So with that out of the way, I don't know where I'm going or how to get there. I'm still regretting the mistakes I've made over the past year or so, but I need to move forward and find the one piece of my life that's missing. I'm jaded but still hopeful that there's someone out there that can figure me out and actually likes what she finds

Buying my tickets for Europe today. I had wanted to take a trip to Egypt as well, but decided I didn't want to do that alone. I find ancient ruins romantic and ideally I want to share experiencing pyramids, the Sphinx and Karnak with someone I care about. I loved Rome but not having someone to share that with changed the experience for me.  

I'm so hungry to have someone in my life that gets me, accepts me and loves me for being the geeky socially awkward freak that I am.  For some reason I always seem to meet someone while I'm away at my friend's house in England, so hopefully good fortune smiles on me again although I'd like something a bit more permanent.  I want to have someone to share this life with and of course, engage in some debauchery with. Hopefully, my next trip won't solo.

ps If any attractive ladies in England or Europe want to kidnap a lovable weirdo and keep him. please write me! 

I think I just made a total ass of myself. I rarely write people, so when I do it's kind of special to me. It means there's something about the way the conveyed who they are in their ad, that made me feel a connection on some level. Well there was one person I wrote and whom wrote back. We chatted a bit but not much and then I noticed she was never online. No biggy, sometimes I'm not feeling chatty or I get moody and avoid emails or IMs for bit, but then I noticed she had just been online and I checked her screenname on one of my old AIM names and sure enough she was on. So I'd been blocked without so much as a warning or a hey, "I'm really not interested!" So I sent her a little letter which while respectful did seem a bit emo/whiney and ensures that we'll probably never speak again.

It's funny how I always seem to drive away the ones that stir emotions in me. That's not to say I was in love but I thought the possibility for that in the future might have been there. So if I have a question for you my random viewer, was that a complete loser thing to do or not.  I think it was, but my other option was to say nothing which acomplishes exactly that.

On a brighter note, I finally got to see all of Spaced and my hair should be more interesting after this weekend. I gave my friend free reign over my hair and I'm bit scared of what she's come up with. I think I'd describe the ideas she's shown me as Ziggy Stardust meets the Joker. Hope to have new pics up either by Sunday or Monday!

here's a pet peeve: If you're not looking for a SUB MALE then don't leave that on your checklist.

I always in bold letters and different colors "not seeking single men," if they're nice and in much ruder ways if they're not. Yet a quick glance has them listing sub males as something they seek. Time to buy a clue people if you want a cute little sub girl to serve you or even a couple click those. If not you deserve all the single guys bugging you. *end rant*

Like I said it's a pet peeve.

Something I've been thinking about for a while is polyamory. In my heart of hearts (yes, I'm a cliche demon but I don't care), I ideally want a monogamous relationship but I think I'm a perfectionist when it comes to that very few people live up to everything I seek in a partner. Whereas I can find something I really like or could love in almost anybody it usually wouldn't be enough to keep me totally satisfied. I keep thinkling how nice it would be to have people that could satisfy parts of what I desire without the expectations they'd have to live up to everything.

Of course, my squishy moral center doesn't totally want to play ball with this and there's that tingling sense of pride that doesn't want to share with others. Perhaps those things holding me back can be beat into submission.  Anyone care to help with that?

I've kind  of been avoiding this site for about a month now. Some real world things (a death) came crashing down and few things like kink really haven't been holding my interest for long. I think I mention in the body of my ad that I primarily would like to meet someone for a real relationship and that holds true moreso than ever. My thought has been that I was willing to get to know anyone in the world with the secret hope that they'd knock my socks off enough to move. That hasn't quite happen and now I'm not sure if I could or should move away from here. However I'd love to get to know some people in the Chicago area more as friends to hang out with then for play, since I'm not really into casual play. Even if you're not in the area I'd love to get to know some people online that care to chat or maybe do some gaming with.

ALso, there's a few people that I've neglected on this site for the past month or so. So I apologize and will try to be more proactive in communicating.

1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
3. Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed or rejected
4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

I've been a bit jealous of a friend's journal and wanted to start one of my own. Now I don't know that my own insights will be nearly as entertaining or as intelligent as hers but one can always dream can't they?